A Mother's Impact on Her Daughter

Being a mother can be difficult. It is hard enough to just get through the day-to-day cooking, cleaning, running errands, bathing, dressing, etc. without adding in the stresses of what type of life-long impact we might be having on our children.

We can't be ostriches in the sand, however. Mothers have a huge impact on their daughters, and that will remain true whether we face it or not. It is better to acknowledge it and be aware of it so we can do our best to have a positive impact on our daughters rather than a negative one. We as mothers can be instruments in the hands of God if we only tune ourselves and be ready. 

Self Image

The biggest single impact that comes to mind when I think of a mother's impact on her daughter is that of self-image. Experts agree time and time again that the way a woman talks about and treats her daughter has a profound effect on what she will grow to think of herself. Girls are impacted by our talk younger than we might realize.

"According to a Wall Street Journal report, one study found 80% of ten-year-old girls had already dieted to lose weight, and another found that girls as young as five have a preoccupation with body image. " source

It isn't just about how we talk about our daughters; it is also how we talk about ourselves. Women get all up in arms about Barbie or the media giving their daughters complexes. Those things have very little impact in comparison to the impact of a mother. 

""Moms are probably the most important influence on a daughter's body image," said Dr. Leslie Sim, clinical director of Mayo Clinic's eating disorders program and a child psychologist. " source

What is a mother to do? Don't talk about weight. Don't do it. Not at all. Don't talk about your daughter's weight or your neighbor's weight. Don't let your mom or your husband's mom talk about their weight and need to lose weight in front of your daughter. If you are like me, then the generation before you ALWAYS talks about their weight and their latest diet. I have expressed to my mother and my mother-in-law that I am absolutely not okay with them talking about those things in front of my girls, but it is a rule I have to remind them of time and time again. 

Here is the thing. Much of how we look is genetic, right? Yes there are lifestyle changes that impact things, but there are many genetic components to how we look that we can't control much. Some day, your daughter will start to have those same genetics impact her. And what will happen? She will remember you or grandma talking about how terrible that trait is, and she will either succumb and hate that about herself or she will fight herself every day to not succumb and hate that about herself. 

We must be intentional about not criticizing ourselves and our weight. I know for many of us, we grew up with that talk and the inner voice telling us how terrible we look is strong. The cycle must be broken at some point. It might as well be you.

For more on this topic, see:

• Experts: Mom has biggest impact on girls' body image
• How Mothers Unintentionally Harm Their Daughters' Self-Confidence

Number One Role Model

A mother is a girl's number one role model. From her, she learns how to be a woman and mother herself. She learns how to treat other people. She observes how to respond in social situations. She is an apprentice to become a mother herself one day. She will learn how to view everything in the world of a woman, from make-up to menstruating. 

“Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world.” David O. McKay

The phrase "I'm turning into my mother" exists for a reason. The emulating is usually not even intentional. Women act like their mothers, even when they don't want to. 

image source

You have a huge impact on who your daughters will become. Take that responsibility seriously and do your best each day to be a woman your daughter will hope to be like. 

Health Impacts

I came across some articles discussing the literal physical impact mothers have on their daughters, specifically their daughters' health. Read How Mothers Influence Their Daughters for more.

Conclusion

With all of this said, I do believe there is a great amount of grace that is applied to being a mother. We don't need to be perfect; we just need to be doing our best. 

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children." M. Russell Ballard

Be aware of the real impact you have on your daughter. Strive your best to be a positive impact on her, and in instrument for good in her life.

See also:

Fighting the Body Image Battle for Our Daughters

My mom hated her birthdays. She did not like to have birthdays and didn't like to be celebrated. I remember her crying many years. Why, you may wonder? Did some tragedy befall her birthday? No. She did not like aging. She simply did not like getting older; she didn't like wrinkles and gray hair and everything else "one year older" meant. 

And yet, there is nothing simple about that. A birthday is a day that should be celebrated! Instead it was a day of mourning. Why?

My mom also often spoke about how fat she was. She has never been fat by any stretch of the imagination, but that surely taught me what "fat" looked like. My husband also grew up with a mother who was no where near fat and yet spoke of how fat she was. He also grew up with a father talking about how fat HE was. The first time our mothers met, they spent some time with each talking about how fat she was while the other declared that no, it was she who was fat. First time. My husband's sisters frequently discuss how "fat" they are. Our last family reunion with them, the conversation was about 90% on calorie counting, calorie burning, and losing weight. 

Even as a child, I hated the "fat" talk. I didn't want to hear it. That didn't mean it didn't affect me. I certainly had and have my issues because of the example before me. Was it a thing of that generation? I swear talking about how fat you were was a common as talking about the weather. I don't see that kind of talk among the moms I associate with now. 

But that doesn't mean our body image is where it should be, and that doesn't mean our daughters aren't insecure about their own bodies. 

Gilda Radner shared this story in her book It's Always Something:

“When I was little, my nurse Dibby’s cousin had a dog, just a mutt, and the dog was pregnant.  I don’t know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week.  She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawnmower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, ‘I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep in you want, but the puppies are okay.  She’ll be able to deliver the puppies.’ 

Dibby’s cousin said, ‘Keep her alive.’

So the vet sewed up her backside and over the next week the dog learned to walk.
She didn’t spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping  up her backside, and then taking two steps and flipping up her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health.  She nursed them and then weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.”

Girls behave like their mothers. Your daughters will watch your response to the messages on body image and respond in kind. They will learn to respond just like you do. 

Ask yourself, "Do I want my daughter to view her body the way I view mine? Do I want her to have the same body image I do?"

We moms are usually far more motivated to do things for the sake of our children than for the sake of ourselves. We need to battle body image for not only ourselves, but for the sake of our children. The messages out there aren't only hurting us, they are hurting our daughters. Time for mama bear to come out and fight back. Fight to protect our daughters. 

If you want to fight the body image battle for your daughters and with your daughters, you must first fix yourself. "Do you have something to say that will counteract the voices of the world? Or are you too busy buying into those voices yourself?" affiliate link (Body Image Breakthrough, page 122). 

Try to grasp and understand what a gift your body is. The body is truly amazing. My husband is an engineer who designs new body parts (like knees and shoulders) as well as the tools used to insert those parts. He is always marveling at what the body is capable of. Not only how complicated it is to try to replicate something in the body, but how well the body endures the carpentry of orthopedic surgery and how quickly the body heals itself. If you don't appreciate the body, educate yourself on the amazing miracle that it is. 

If you do not appreciate your body and you are a prayer, pray for help to love and appreciate your body for what it is. 

Think of the many things you are able to do with your body. 

Once you appreciate the body, you will be able to pass that appreciation on to your children.

You also need to acknowledge the lies you have accepted in life. What messages have you

embraced and let into your mind? Do you believe your body type is wrong? Are you striving for an ideal you really could never achieve? Are you too short or too tall? Maybe just somewhere in the boring middle? Is your hair the wrong color or texture? Eyes the wrong shape? Legs too short? 

There have been fantastic strides and efforts toward helping women have a healthier body image. Some celebrities like Jamie Lee Curtis have made a point to show themselves as untouched and unedited. Dove has its campaign for real beauty. A couple of years ago, Colbie Caillat release her song and video "Try." Just this week, Meghan Trainor removed her newest music video after seeing she had been photo shopped. Steps and efforts are being made. 

But we aren't out of the woods.

My daughters do not watch television with commercials. The only magazine we have is our church magazine. I have tried very hard to shelter them from the "I'm fat" comments I grew up with. I have not successfully eliminated the talk from my mother and mother-in-law, but it is much less than what I was exposed to. I monitor myself in how I talk about myself. 

But somehow, the message still makes it to my girls. My nine year old recently asked me if she was fat. My 7 year old says she never wants to have children because she doesn't want her tummy to get fat. 

We are making great strides, but we haven't arrived. I don't, in all honesty, ever believe we will. The body is too amazing of a gift for it to be left alone. But I do think we can do our best to improve things. 

We need to be sure we are living healthy lifestyles. We will have an easier time liking our bodies if we are taking care of our bodies. I am not suggesting we go on an all-sugar and processed foods diet and say, "Who cares! I love me for me!" THAT isn't you. You is your natural body type and shape. You isn't letting yourself go completely. 

Part of loving our bodies is taking care of them. That is one reason I exercise 5-6 days a week. Exercise was not a "get the weight off" ploy for me. I didn't want my girls to think exercise was only there for losing weight. I didn't want the focus to be weight. I wanted the focus to be health, strength, and endurance. 

The same goes for eating healthy foods. We eat healthy foods and monitor sugary foods for taking care of our bodies. We want to take care of our bodies in a long-term way. Yes, we still have dessert and treats. But we don't overindulge constantly and we make sure we have our other food groups. 

And in this pursuit of living a healthy lifestyle, we always have to be careful it doesn't become our idol. That is putting the body back on our main focus status. We need to keep our source of comfort and peace coming from the right sources. Do not rely on your body for happiness or peace. 

Embrace reality. When you have a baby, it does things to your body! That is real life. When you get older, it changes your body. Acknowledge the changes and accept it as real life. Keep your speaking with your girls about that reality positive and real. But again, you have to believe it yourself. Yes, you lost that flat(ish) tummy when you had your child. Would you trade it? No. Can that be changed? No. 

I wish I could say I have the all the right answers for this battle. For now, I am trying to limit the exposure my girls get to the messages of how skinny and flawless they need to look. I am trying to be a good example of healthy living and teaching them to live in a healthy way. 

After pondering this topic, there are things I want to do better at. I want to do more talking with my girls about their views on their body. I want to have it be an open conversation that can happen anytime and not respond with just "Oh you are beautiful the way you are!" I want to help teach them to work to love themselves for how they are and to not turn to their looks (or food or exercise)for a source of comfort. 

I know my mom did the best she could on the body image front and I hope to do the best I can and I hope to make improvements upon what was taught to my generation about the way we looked. I want to be counted among the people who are making a positive difference in the body image battle. My greatest hope for impact is upon my girls, and upon myself. 

Related Posts:

• Fighting the Body Image Battle
• Body Image

Fighting the Body Image Battle

This post contains affiliate links. This does not increase your cost at all. 

In 1970, the average age a girl started dieting was fourteen. By 1990, the average age dropped to eight. Eight! Currently, 51% of nine-ten year old girls said they "felt better about themselves when they were on a diet..." (Body Image Breakthrough, page 3). We have a body image crisis on our hands. I think we have for my entire lifetime and, frankly, I think we will. We are fighting a war that is bigger than business and industry. We are fighting a spiritual war where one side really wants us to hate our bodies. Our bodies are a gift from our Heavenly Father and if we can be made to hate them, think of all of the other things we can be talked into (drugs, promiscuity, gluttony...). If we don't respect and love our bodies, we won't feel compelled to protect them.

The side we are fighting is cunning. The side we are fighting has been doing this a loooong time. Just think of this. At the same time, we are encouraged to hate our bodies AND idolize them. What do I mean? We are bombarded with images that our body is not enough. Most of us can never attain the ideal portrayed for us. Did you know only 4% of the population "genetically possess the ideal body as portrayed in the media..."? (Body Image Breakthrough, page 2). We are set up to feel terrible about the way we look. 

And yet, we are encouraged to make attaining that ideal our idol. We might exercise to excess. We might obsess about our calories. We might focus on products that make us look better. We might search for quick fixes so we can resemble this ideal image as quickly as possible. We might spend money on clothes and accessories to fit in to the current standard. We might spend more time pondering how to look better than we do how to be better people. We can't serve two masters, so if we can be convinced to serve the body image idol, there our heart will be.

And the battle goes further.

"I don't think it's a coincidence that having flat abs is one of today's most coveted beauty features. After all, that's the first think to go once a woman becomes pregnant--and Satan knows it. For this reason, I believe he took special care to make sure the golden image of beauty included the one thing most women lose in childbearing." (Body Image Breakthrough, page 22).

Ding, ding, ding! When I read those words, while standing in a book store and browsing books while Brayden volunteered at an art show next door, it was like truth leapt from the pages at me. I opened the book Body Image Breakthrough and turned right to this page and read this exact quote. I bought the book.

McKenna, at only age 5, told me she never wanted to be a mom. "Why don't you want to be a mom?" I asked, confused. McKenna is drawn to babies. She has always loved babies and she has a natural way with them. I could not imagine why she would not want a baby of her own someday. "Because I don't want my tummy to get fat." That was the reply from my FIVE year old.

The battle is real.

That was a moment that I knew was important in our lives. I needed to pay real attention to this and not pass it off as one of those things kids say. I knew that I needed to gently help her come to terms with the idea of a fat tummy--that her love for children needed to win out over her love for physical fitness.

The postpartum body is not applauded in our world. Women today are congratulated on how quickly they look not pregnant. Women in movies and on television are portrayed as snapping right back to their size 0 selves immediately after delivering a baby. Remember the media frenzy surrounding Kate Middleton a few years ago when she presented her real postpartum body to the world? I love that she did that. And flat abs? There are certainly all the rage these days. A little time on Pinterest will show you that.

This isn't to say we shouldn't take care of ourselves. We should eat well and responsibly. We should have daily exercise in our lives. We should do our best to be clean. The trick is to do it not to impress the world and people around you. It isn't to gain the compliments of those around you. It is to take care of yourself because you care about and respect your body. It is to be able to glorify God.

Evaluate your life recognize what you might be making an idol in your life. Take care of yourself, but do it for the right reasons and in the right way. Take care of your body. Accept what your body is. Accept your body type and work with that. Love and respect the marvel that it is. It is a glorious gift. Remember that it will be a battle. This isn't just about your self-esteem or about how much media you are exposed to. This is a real battle. Fight back. 

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• Body Image

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• Accepting and Loving Your Postpartum Body {Guest Post}

Body Image

Oh body image! Isn't this just such a hard thing? I really feel very strongly about trying to help children have a fighting chance at positive body image. I grew up with a mother who constantly (or so it seemed to me) talked about how "fat" she was. And I am talking about a woman who is 5'6" and at her "worst" weighed maybe 150. Sound fat to you? Not me! Didn't look fat to me at the time, either. And even me being as confident of a person as I naturally am, in my head I knew if she was fat, then I was, too. Yes, me at about 110 pounds was positive I was fat, also. Which leads me to:

Oh that is so true!

My mother-in-law was no different. I remember she and my mother talking to each other about how fat each of them was sure she was while the other assured no, she was the fat one. And my mother-in-law is no where near fat! Never has been.

LOVE YOURSELF

Please oh please oh please do not say self-deprecating things to or in front of your children. I don't even want you saying them in your head, but I will settle for your children. Example, example, example. If you put down your own self, then why would you ever think your child won't do the same to her/him self? This post sums it up well: When Your Mother Says She's Fat.

When I got pregnant, I informed both my mother and mother-in-law that they were in no uncertain terms to talk about how "fat" they were in front of my children. Oh no. If they did, they would find they were not around my children anymore. I am not okay with it. It is actually the ONLY thing I have ever drawn a line in the sand about. And so far as I know, they have complied with my threat  request.

BUT HOW?

So you love yourself. Sure. Easier said than done, right? Anyone not relate to the cute little cartoon I posted above? Anyone relate and then some? Meaning, you wish you were as fat as you was the second, third, or fourth time you thought you were fat. Ha! 

How do you love yourself? Oh so complicated! First, stop trying to blame everything around you for how you feel about your body image. We seem to like to blame the media for how we feel about ourselves. The women we see in put make-up on heavily, use expensive cameras and great lighting, and with anything that winds up a photograph, they spend a fair amount of effort editing that photo. 

While I think the images we see in the media are not helpful, I do think we would struggle with our body image even without the "help" of the media. Our bodies are a wonderful gift and one I believe gets assaulted on because it is so amazing and beneficial to us. Our body is a gift from God, and as such, Satan wants us to hate our bodies. Yes, if looking at magazines or watching certain things on TV leads you further into hateful thoughts toward yourself, stay away from those things. But recognize full blame is not on the media. Women are naturally hard on themselves even without the help of external forces.

Second, look at your body through different lenses. Are you looking at your body as half full or half empty? I love this story about a woman coming to love her body as it is for what it is. What about your body that you don't like is actually a result of bearing children? Three of my children "gave" me stretch marks in different places. One "gave" me a new mole. These are things I can look at and lament or despise or I can look at and say, "That is Brinley."

Third, realize and accept that every body is different. We have different body types. That means that in our ideal, each of us will look different from each other. Know what your body type is and accept it! Embrace it! Work with it! I have really come to see this as true even more so as I have had two girls who have worn the same clothes. Clothes fit them differently even as little girls with basically 0% body fat. Just their bone structure is extremely different.

A little search on Pinterest will easily present you with ideas for what looks best on your body type and what doesn't. Also, do a bit of learning on what looks good in general. Even very thin people can wear things that make them look not-so-hot. I like this article for simple information on what goes well together.

I also like How to Dress for Your Body Type. If you want more articles that are similar, search "body type" on Pinterest. 

Fourth, figure out what works for you to lose weight and/or get in shape. Remember that body type I just talked about? Well, it not only impacts what you look like, but it also means we will need to work differently than others to get into shape. A friend recently commented that running is the only thing that works for her to get in shape. What works for you to get into shape? There is no one-size-fits-all workout plan. If there were, there would probably only be one plan around by now. This article discusses how to get "skinny" according to your body type. Again, work with your body. Try things out. How much cardio do you need? How much toning? Treadmill? Elliptical? Walking? Running? Do you need a gym? Do better with a friend? Figure out what works for you.

Fifth, aim for healthy! Remember the body type thing? You will look like the best version of you. And that is okay! "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken" (Oscar Wilde). Eat well and exercise daily. Healthy matters. Size doesn't. Sometimes we have a negative self-image because we are frankly being lazy or gluttonous. You will have a harder time feeling good about the body you see if you know you are not taking care of it the way you should. Exercising and eating right are healthy. And they are required for healthy. Thin people can be thin and not healthy. When you aim for healthy, you aim for lifestyle. When you aim for "size" or "pounds," you can easily tip back to old habits once you reach those goals. 

No gender is exempt from negative thoughts toward body due to size. There are males who are naturally very thin and no matter how much they eat or how much they lift weights, they stay thin. This is frustrating for a male! So whether you have daughters or sons, focus on healthy.

Sixth, assess any obstacles you might be facing. If you have some medical condition between current you and your optimal you, you will find it bitterly difficult to be content with where you are. There is nothing quite as frustrating as putting in effort and getting no results because of something like your thyroid is off (I know from experience). 

Sixth, come what may and love it. You may find that your natural body type is not what you were hoping for. Work to love it! Once you have done all you can, love yourself! It is what it is, and hating yourself isn't going to change what it is. It will only negatively impact your happiness and contentment. It is much easier to be happy with yourself once you realize what works for your body type and what doesn't, so take those tips seriously. Once you are in a healthy pattern, be happy with who you are.

Seventh, get professional help if you need it. Some of you will need help to see yourself for who you are. Maybe all it will take is prayer. Maybe it will require some counseling. Please do what it takes to love your body and self mentally. 

HONESTY IS OKAY

I am not asking you to lie to your children about how you feel about yourself. But there is a difference between answering questions and observations honestly and frequently commenting on how fat you are, how old you look, and how your physique is overall undesirable. 

I think the desirable place to be mentally is if your child comments on your flabby belly, you can say something like, "Yes, it is flabby. I don't like it that way, but that is what happens when you have a baby! And I would rather have you and a flabby belly than no you and a tight belly. But part of the reason I try to eat healthy foods and exercise is to help get rid of this flabby belly--or at least get it less flabby."

If you can't honestly speak kindly about yourself, then you need to change your view of yourself, as I discussed in the section above. Honesty is often about perspective more than it is about your perceived version of reality.

WHAT ABOUT DAD?
Dad should talk nicely of himself, too. But more importantly, he should talk nicely about you and about your children. I know not all do. Try to get Dad to talk nicely about it. If he can't, tell him to listen to Thumper's mom and just say nothing at all. And a lot of times they are just trying to be helpful--they think they are helping. Let them know it is not helpful. I can't really speak of more experience beyond that--fortunately for me, my Dad was not one to make comments about weight or looks in a negative way. That is probably a huge contributing factor to me not having an eating disorder or major body image issues. See

Fathers Impact on Daughters

CONCLUSION

Remember we are talking about body image. What image do you see? We all see things differently, and you can see yourself as fabulous if you allow yourself to do so. And the way you view yourself will impact your children--males and females. 

And if the idea of body image is one that you really want to look into further, I highly recommend the blog The Great Fitness Experiment written by my friend. I have linked to all of her posts she has labeled with "body image." She is funny, she is real, and she has had real struggles in accepting herself as she is. 

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