Self-Worth Comes Vertically, not Horizontally

There is a period in most people's lives where we are surrounded by peers of the same age range. We get judged by those peers and we judge ourselves against those peers. We got a lot of instant feedback on what was and wasn't socially acceptable. Those were our teenage years--jr. high and high school.

Many of us were able to live life beyond that experience. We graduated high school and were able to come to know ourselves as individuals better. We were not so strongly influenced by peers. The world is very different now than it was when I graduated from high school. When I graduated, not even Myspace existed. Really! When I graduated, 99% of people my age did not have their own cell phone. We sometimes got to take a parent's cell phone out with us. I moved to college and had to wait three days before I could call home because it took the phone company that long to set up our line (but we did have email--at school. We didn't have internet connection at the apartment because, no phone! Back then, the internet was dial up for the average person). 

Now we live in a world where we are able to be constantly connected with people. We share our lives on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube, blogs...all the while, our choice are being "liked" and commented on. Judged. And we judge our own lives against the people we see on these same sites and apps. Because of this constant connectedness, we see behavior from adults that we used to see only from teenagers. Opinions passed off as fact and the only acceptable way to think are posted rampantly. People feel the need to make their judgments of the actions of other people very well known.

Now, more than ever, we need to understand self-worth. I am not talking about self-concept or self-esteem. I am talking about self-worth.

Self-esteem is your confidence in your won worth and ability. Self-respect. What you believe to be true about you.

While self-worth is often used as a synonym for self-esteem, I propose that it is different. Your self-esteem can vary. It can change based on life experience. It can vary based on how many likes or page views you get. It can drop or rise with comments from friends and strangers. 

Self-worth never changes. Your worth is the same no matter how many likes you get or don't get. It is not impacted by the comments people sling your way. It isn't even impacted by your own opinion of yourself. Your worth is the same always. Your worth doesn't come horizontally from peers--in person or e-person. Your worth just is. It comes vertically. 

Your worth is infinite. Your worth comes from above. Once you understand that, your self-esteem naturally follows. Your self-esteem becomes accurate and is not impacted by the ebbs and flows of the horizontal world. 

You are then able to pass that confidence and knowledge on to your children. You learn to love yourself on a pure level and you can teach your children to do the same. You can be an example of finding a true source for a measuring stick rather than what the social world thinks of us.

We used to be able to escape that constant judgement at some point in life, but that time is past. We can lament the days of yore, but that doesn't change what today's reality is. We have to learn to adapt to reality. 

Love yourself, and love yourself the way you should--vertically. 

Today the ladies of the BFBN are posting under the topic of Love. Be sure to visit their blogs for discussions like loving your kids, loving your season, and what love means as a parent. 

• Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
• The Journey of Parenthood
• Mama's Organized Chaos
• The Moses Home
• Wiley Adventures

Praise Effort, Not Results

This post contains affiliate links.  One of my favorite chapters in the book NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, is called "The Inverse Power of Praise." The major point of this chapter is this: Offer praise for the effort put into things, not on the results themselves.

The Damage of Praise 

Here are some examples of praise that will actually backfire:

• You are so smart!
• Good job!
• That's amazing!

Do you know someone, adult, child, or in between who is smart, but who won't put a lot of effort into things? This often results from being told how smart you are. "Giving kids the label of "smart" does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it" (page 13). Nurture Shock discusses in great detail many studies that find this praising to have a negative impact on the effort children give later down the road. 

Studies show children praised for effort rather than intelligence are willing to try harder tasks in the future. They also improve on scores over time. "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that the can control...They come to see themselves as in control of their success" (page 15). How vital is this? How important is it for a person to believe he/she can work hard enough to make an impact in their own lives?

Studies have also shown that children who are praised for talent rather than effort have a harder time being honest. They turn to cheating and lying.

Praise can also lead a person to becoming less intrinsically motivated. "...they do things merely to hear the praise..." I have seen this happen to people. You want your child to do the right thing or to work hard at something because that is what he or she wants to do on their own--not because of the praise that will come raining down if they do. Those children grow up to be adults, and guess what? Adults just don't get showered with praise. They just don't. You will be hard pressed to find a boss who stands by you and pats your head all day for doing your job. You certainly won't get endless praise from your children. Your spouse can't possibly spend the necessary time praising you that you will need if you become dependent on praise to motivate you to do the right thing in life. 

"A person who grows up getting too frequent rewards will not have persistence, because they'll quit when the rewards disappear" (page 24).  A child who is praised constantly will someday become an adult. Be careful in your praise--you don't want your child being an adult who can't try hard in life because the constant praising is gone.

Effort is Okay

People who are told simply how smart they are often start to believe that if they have to try, it proves that they aren't so smart after all. "Expending effort becomes stigmatized--it's public proof that you can't cut it on your natural gifts" (page 15). When I read this book for the first time years ago, this really stood out to me. I know that I have many times fought the idea that if I am asking questions or trying too hard, it means I am not that smart after all. 

This can be applied to other things beyond intelligence. You might think if you pin something on Pinterest that relates to a topic you are generally believed to be an expert in that it somehow shows you are not that good at it. I have been impressed to see people who I consider to be expert sewers pin things about sewing on Pinterest. That is the sign of someone who will only get better in that talent because she is willing to learn more than she currently knows.

The important thing to realize is that effort is okay. It doesn't mean you are bad at something if you have to work at it. 

And here it is--the brain gets stronger when it works. No matter how smart you are, you can always be smarter. No matter how much you know, there is more to learn. No matter how good you are at something, you can always get better. Effort is always rewarded at some point. Effort is worth it.

Parenting Practice

The value of effort is important to realize for ourselves. It is also important to realize as parents. We can easily think our child isn't very good at something if they can't work at it. Parents often tie so much of their own success up in the succss of their kids. We try to make up for past mistakes or failures through our children. We want them to be the best and perfect. It is important to remember and teach that great skill is not developed without great effort. Even people who have more natural talent at things do not continue to thrive and grow without effort and practice being put into it. 

Correct Praise

Praising can be wonderful. It is positive parenting. Praise in general isn't wrong. There are some keys to making praise have a positive impact.

• Be specific in your praise. Tell your child exactly what it is that you are appreciating. "I am impressed with how much time you put into practicing that song. You worked on it every day! Because of that, you can play it well." That is much better than, "You are a good piano player!" or "Great job!"
• Be sincere. Researchers have found children older than 7 are suspicious and can tell if a compliment is not sincere. Really think about what you are saying and really mean it. Studies find that children actually believe in a classroom setting that the child who is struggling the most receives the most praise. 
• Be real. Only praise things that are real talents and skills.

Acknowledge Mistakes

Mistakes need to be acknowledged and discussed. Pretending like the mistake never happened doesn't do your child any favors. "A child deprived of the opportunity to discuss mistakes can't learn from them" (page 22). 

Pointing out mistakes can encourage people to try harder in the future. I am not talking belittling, but talking about what went wrong and what can be improved in the future. Studies show children whose parents told them they needed to do better did much better than children whose parents simply ignored the need for improvement. 

Conclusion

Praising effort is most definitely not the norm in our society. Maybe we are too rushed to think of something real. Maybe we are afraid of our child feeling anything less than amazing. Maybe we are way too preoccupied with the notion of self-esteem. Maybe we are just doing what we hear everyone else around us doing. 

Let's say your child makes it across the monkey bars for the first time. "Wow, that must have taken a lot of effort! You worked hard and you made it!" is superior to "Good job! You are so strong!" Avoid the "stock" praises. Be specific. Recognize the effort made. Don't be afraid to correct a child when needed. Allow your child to work hard at something; do not feel like it means your child can't be great at it.

See Also:

Why Kids Lie (and what to do about it)

• Book Recommendation: Nurture Shock
• Building Positive Self- Esteem

Body Image

Oh body image! Isn't this just such a hard thing? I really feel very strongly about trying to help children have a fighting chance at positive body image. I grew up with a mother who constantly (or so it seemed to me) talked about how "fat" she was. And I am talking about a woman who is 5'6" and at her "worst" weighed maybe 150. Sound fat to you? Not me! Didn't look fat to me at the time, either. And even me being as confident of a person as I naturally am, in my head I knew if she was fat, then I was, too. Yes, me at about 110 pounds was positive I was fat, also. Which leads me to:

Oh that is so true!

My mother-in-law was no different. I remember she and my mother talking to each other about how fat each of them was sure she was while the other assured no, she was the fat one. And my mother-in-law is no where near fat! Never has been.

LOVE YOURSELF

Please oh please oh please do not say self-deprecating things to or in front of your children. I don't even want you saying them in your head, but I will settle for your children. Example, example, example. If you put down your own self, then why would you ever think your child won't do the same to her/him self? This post sums it up well: When Your Mother Says She's Fat.

When I got pregnant, I informed both my mother and mother-in-law that they were in no uncertain terms to talk about how "fat" they were in front of my children. Oh no. If they did, they would find they were not around my children anymore. I am not okay with it. It is actually the ONLY thing I have ever drawn a line in the sand about. And so far as I know, they have complied with my threat  request.

BUT HOW?

So you love yourself. Sure. Easier said than done, right? Anyone not relate to the cute little cartoon I posted above? Anyone relate and then some? Meaning, you wish you were as fat as you was the second, third, or fourth time you thought you were fat. Ha! 

How do you love yourself? Oh so complicated! First, stop trying to blame everything around you for how you feel about your body image. We seem to like to blame the media for how we feel about ourselves. The women we see in put make-up on heavily, use expensive cameras and great lighting, and with anything that winds up a photograph, they spend a fair amount of effort editing that photo. 

While I think the images we see in the media are not helpful, I do think we would struggle with our body image even without the "help" of the media. Our bodies are a wonderful gift and one I believe gets assaulted on because it is so amazing and beneficial to us. Our body is a gift from God, and as such, Satan wants us to hate our bodies. Yes, if looking at magazines or watching certain things on TV leads you further into hateful thoughts toward yourself, stay away from those things. But recognize full blame is not on the media. Women are naturally hard on themselves even without the help of external forces.

Second, look at your body through different lenses. Are you looking at your body as half full or half empty? I love this story about a woman coming to love her body as it is for what it is. What about your body that you don't like is actually a result of bearing children? Three of my children "gave" me stretch marks in different places. One "gave" me a new mole. These are things I can look at and lament or despise or I can look at and say, "That is Brinley."

Third, realize and accept that every body is different. We have different body types. That means that in our ideal, each of us will look different from each other. Know what your body type is and accept it! Embrace it! Work with it! I have really come to see this as true even more so as I have had two girls who have worn the same clothes. Clothes fit them differently even as little girls with basically 0% body fat. Just their bone structure is extremely different.

A little search on Pinterest will easily present you with ideas for what looks best on your body type and what doesn't. Also, do a bit of learning on what looks good in general. Even very thin people can wear things that make them look not-so-hot. I like this article for simple information on what goes well together.

I also like How to Dress for Your Body Type. If you want more articles that are similar, search "body type" on Pinterest. 

Fourth, figure out what works for you to lose weight and/or get in shape. Remember that body type I just talked about? Well, it not only impacts what you look like, but it also means we will need to work differently than others to get into shape. A friend recently commented that running is the only thing that works for her to get in shape. What works for you to get into shape? There is no one-size-fits-all workout plan. If there were, there would probably only be one plan around by now. This article discusses how to get "skinny" according to your body type. Again, work with your body. Try things out. How much cardio do you need? How much toning? Treadmill? Elliptical? Walking? Running? Do you need a gym? Do better with a friend? Figure out what works for you.

Fifth, aim for healthy! Remember the body type thing? You will look like the best version of you. And that is okay! "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken" (Oscar Wilde). Eat well and exercise daily. Healthy matters. Size doesn't. Sometimes we have a negative self-image because we are frankly being lazy or gluttonous. You will have a harder time feeling good about the body you see if you know you are not taking care of it the way you should. Exercising and eating right are healthy. And they are required for healthy. Thin people can be thin and not healthy. When you aim for healthy, you aim for lifestyle. When you aim for "size" or "pounds," you can easily tip back to old habits once you reach those goals. 

No gender is exempt from negative thoughts toward body due to size. There are males who are naturally very thin and no matter how much they eat or how much they lift weights, they stay thin. This is frustrating for a male! So whether you have daughters or sons, focus on healthy.

Sixth, assess any obstacles you might be facing. If you have some medical condition between current you and your optimal you, you will find it bitterly difficult to be content with where you are. There is nothing quite as frustrating as putting in effort and getting no results because of something like your thyroid is off (I know from experience). 

Sixth, come what may and love it. You may find that your natural body type is not what you were hoping for. Work to love it! Once you have done all you can, love yourself! It is what it is, and hating yourself isn't going to change what it is. It will only negatively impact your happiness and contentment. It is much easier to be happy with yourself once you realize what works for your body type and what doesn't, so take those tips seriously. Once you are in a healthy pattern, be happy with who you are.

Seventh, get professional help if you need it. Some of you will need help to see yourself for who you are. Maybe all it will take is prayer. Maybe it will require some counseling. Please do what it takes to love your body and self mentally. 

HONESTY IS OKAY

I am not asking you to lie to your children about how you feel about yourself. But there is a difference between answering questions and observations honestly and frequently commenting on how fat you are, how old you look, and how your physique is overall undesirable. 

I think the desirable place to be mentally is if your child comments on your flabby belly, you can say something like, "Yes, it is flabby. I don't like it that way, but that is what happens when you have a baby! And I would rather have you and a flabby belly than no you and a tight belly. But part of the reason I try to eat healthy foods and exercise is to help get rid of this flabby belly--or at least get it less flabby."

If you can't honestly speak kindly about yourself, then you need to change your view of yourself, as I discussed in the section above. Honesty is often about perspective more than it is about your perceived version of reality.

WHAT ABOUT DAD?
Dad should talk nicely of himself, too. But more importantly, he should talk nicely about you and about your children. I know not all do. Try to get Dad to talk nicely about it. If he can't, tell him to listen to Thumper's mom and just say nothing at all. And a lot of times they are just trying to be helpful--they think they are helping. Let them know it is not helpful. I can't really speak of more experience beyond that--fortunately for me, my Dad was not one to make comments about weight or looks in a negative way. That is probably a huge contributing factor to me not having an eating disorder or major body image issues. See

Fathers Impact on Daughters

CONCLUSION

Remember we are talking about body image. What image do you see? We all see things differently, and you can see yourself as fabulous if you allow yourself to do so. And the way you view yourself will impact your children--males and females. 

And if the idea of body image is one that you really want to look into further, I highly recommend the blog The Great Fitness Experiment written by my friend. I have linked to all of her posts she has labeled with "body image." She is funny, she is real, and she has had real struggles in accepting herself as she is. 

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• How I Do It: Exercise

  Exercising With Kids

  Building Self-Concept

  Building Positive Self- Esteem

Fathers Impact on Daughters

My husband and Kaitlyn several years ago

Today, I did a guest post on DaddyLife.net about the profound impact fathers have on their daughters. Check it out here:  http://daddylife.net/2012/05/10/fathers-impact-on-his-daughters/. This post talks about what research finds as positive results of the father/daughter relationships (including positive self-view) and gives ideas for what fathers can do to make sure they are there for their daughters. 

Compliments

I often hear from other women about compliments and how they have a hard time giving them. Not because they don't want to or because they don't think the nice things. I think we all think nice things all the time--we just don't say them nearly as often as we think them.

Then the conversation turns to how silly it is that we don't just say the compliment we are thinking because what does it hurt? How hard is it?

The other night, I attended a class on marriage. The presenters had some tips on parenting also. One thing the woman talked about was levels of communication. I won't go into all of it, but she pointed out that complimenting a person is a deeper level of communication, and one that often makes us uncomfortable. The reason is we feel vulnerable when we compliment, so people really only feel comfortable complimenting if they feel secure in the relationship. She then pointed out the importance of complimenting our spouses and our children, and that if done so, it would bring our relationships closer together.

That sparked an idea in my head. My husband was with me in the class and agreed to my idea.

Here is our newest family tradition. I can't yet testify to the power of the tradition--we haven't been doing it long enough. But I have seen such wonderful results so quickly, and I feel like it is such a great idea, that I didn't want to wait to tell you. I want you to know now. It is very simple.

Each night at family prayer, we kneel in a circle (this is old tradition). The new part is we now each offer a compliment to another member of the family. I think the easiest way to do this would to go down the line and on the first night, everyone compliments Dad. The next, everyone compliments Mom. Next, Brayden, etc. It would be esaiest to remember who gets the compliments that night.

But I think it would be very beneficial to the family to each get a compliment each day.

So we are rotating. Night one went like this:

Mom complimented Dad

Dad complimented Brayden

Brayden complimented Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn complimented McKenna

McKenna complimented Mom

Night two:

Mom complimented Brayden

Dad complimented Kaitlyn

Brayden complimented McKenna

Kaitlyn complimented Mom

McKenna complimented Dad

So each night, the right column moves up one. This is similar to how many families alternate gift exchanges from Christmas to Christmas. 

Do you want to know what McKenna said to me night one? "I like that you are a friend of Jesus." Isn't that one of the sweetest things a child could say to a parent? 

I encourage you to try it. My children just light up when they hear the compliment given them. 

"I Do It Myself!"

image source

"I do it myself!" Recognize that phrase? You must have or previously had a two year old living in your home.

When Brayden hit this phase, I admit I was impatient with it. I didn't want to be slowed down, and most of the time it really made life with a newborn (Kaitlyn) a lot more difficult. Trying to help Brayden do something while she was crying and him insisting on doing it himself stressed me a bit. 

I don't know if I am older, wiser, and/or just less stressed sans newborn, but I have no problem letting McKenna "do it." And you know what? She is at the point where 95% of the time she does it and does it pretty quickly. 

I was reading through The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack. On page 15, she quotes John Rosemond, "If you are so determined, you can indeed keep a child happy for eighteen years. In the process, you will surely destroy the child's self-esteem. Why? Because self-esteem is reflected in the child's belief that 'I can do it myself!' " 

Encouraging our children to do it and standing back while they do so is a great way to not only help the child learn to do it herself (afterall, how will she learn if she doesn't try?), but it will also help build her self-confidence. 

Boyack also quotes Ann Landers: "In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings" (page 17). Boyack also says, "Our children will get their best feelings of self-confidence from being independent and capable" (page 17). 

I know. I know. Waiting for five minutes while your toddler climbs into the car "herself" and another five while she does her best to buckle "herself" in causes a bit of stress. You have somewhere to be and your toddler slows you down significantly, from pants, to shoes, to walking, to buckling. 

Here is a simple tip. You need to add toddler time to your time allotment for getting out of the house. You thought adding a baby to your life made getting out slower, ha! Adding a toddler adds even more because of all of the things she must do herself. 

What you need to do is factor in those things and add that time. You used to need to start getting shoes on 10 minutes before you walked out the door. Now you might need 20.  This is a moment to practice your patience. I promise it pays off. Letting her practice each and every time enables her to learn how to do it herself. Then when she is four, she will be doing all of those things herself instead of still needing your help. 

Allowing your toddler to do it herself will help build her skills and her confidence. She will have confidence in her abilities in a rightful way. She will know her abilities and her limitations. She will have a realistic and positive self-concept, along with the will to try, try again until she gets it right. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Parenting breakthrough
• self-esteem
• toddlers

Building Self-Concept

Love and Logic Magic has some great ideas for building positive self-concept in your child. Some people really recoil at the idea of "self-concept" or previously used "self-esteem." This isn't your fluffy self-esteem building exercise. This is building a positive self-concept that is real.

Allow Child to Solve Own Problems

The first step is to allow the child to solve his own problems. You, the parent, remain patient. Give your child space and time to think and to work it out on his own. This means when he is having a hard time with that toy, you don't jump in and do it for him (yes, I have been that mom). Solving your own problems builds confidence and also builds ability to solve problems in the future. 

Show Child Love

In line with the remaining patient part above, show your child empathy and love. Our children take on certain traits we have, and sometimes we don't like certain traits. Keep your empathy glasses on so you can see where your child is coming from. For example, my husband has always been a brother who likes to scare his sisters and a son who likes to scare his mom. Even to this day, he will take the opportunity to do so.

Brayden took on that same enjoyment. My husband, however, did not appreciate Brayden doing that. I had to point out to him that not only did he do that as a child, he does it as a grown man to this day. He came to the conclusion that as a brother, he feels kind of like it is his job, but as a father, he feels it is his job to protect his girls. So watch where you are coming from and have empathy for your child in his unique (or not-so-unique) personality traits.

Do Not Criticize

Criticizing just doesn't work well with anyone. People don't like to be criticized no matter how old they are. Remember to offer praise and encouragement. Criticizing is different than correcting.

Home should be a safe place. Home should be where he feels love. He will be slammed by the world enough; make your home a place to feel safe and loved.

Do Not Do Everything

When my dad got married, he literally had never made his own bed. His mom had always done it for him. Fortunately, my Dad still thought highly of himself :). Don't do everything for your child. Let him dress himself, clean his own room, and (gasp!) brush his own teeth.

When he is able to do some things for himself, he knows he is capable of it. 

Offer Real World Experience

Make home life similar to real world life. This means consequences are real. Don't save your child from the consequences of his decisions. Allow for learning experiences to take place based on his actions, for better or worse. 

Knowing about consequences and how they work allows you to move forward in the world with confidence. The world does not save people from consequences (okay, I can think of times it does...but it never turns out well. Consequences will always be had at some point). Give your child the gift of navigating life with the ability to see what happens when he does something. 

It also gives him the confidence to know that he controls his own destiny. He isn't randomly acted upon. He can largely control what happens to him. 

Conclusion

These are some simple ways to allow children to build a positive self-concept. He will know who he is, how the world works, and he will know he is loved at home. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Love and Logic
• self-esteem

Why It is So Important for Parents to Keep Promises to Their Children

The last post I wrote from the book Parenting the Strong-Willed Child was on Building Positive Self- Esteem. I left one important thing out of that post, and that is because I wanted to dedicate an entire post to the topic. That important thing is keeping promises. Forehand and Long state on page 209 that an important aspect for building positive self-esteem is don't make promises you can't keep.

It is difficult for a child to be told something will happen over and over only to never (or rarely) have it come to fruition. All that teaches the child is 1) don't trust people and 2) never get your hopes up.

Yes, sometimes you will promise something and for whatever reason, it won't be able to happen. I think that is all fine and even healthy. It is good to learn to deal with disappointment. When these times happen, I think it is important to explain to the child why it can't happen and apologize for it. I don't think these rare instances will emotionally scar a child.

It does emotionally scar a child, however, if the promises are broken more often than kept. Whether you subscribe to the idea of "self-esteem" or not, I think it is clear that being raised under this being a generality is not good for the psyche. 

So what can you do to avoid broken promises? I think you need to be honest from the beginning. "We are going to try to go to the Fire Station Monday. We will go unless something happens to prevent us from going." This is an example from our life a couple of months ago. Our friend is the fire chief and we planned to go get a tour of the fire stations. I am, however, quite careful about making promises, so I was sure to explain that it wasn't a for sure deal. I was glad I did because Sunday, a house in our community burnt all the way to the ground. The fire fighters were busy watching the ashes Monday, so there was no tour for us. Our children were disappointed, but understood the situation. 

So when your children ask you if you can do XYZ, don't commit to it unless you intend to fully follow through. Again, I think the occasional inability to keep a promise is not going to be damaging. I think our kids would have been fine and understanding even if I had promised we would go to the fire station no matter what. 

Another idea is when you do have to break a promise, explain the reason for it as I mentioned above. If your child is old enough to be disappointed about something, he is old enough to understand extenuating circumstances. 

A third idea is never tell your children you are going to do something until you are on your way :). This can work, but I personally think half the fun of anything is the anticipation for it, so I do like to let them know ahead of time. 

So, say what you mean. Mean what you say. Only promise if you intend to keep it. It is better to say "I don't know" and not do it than "Yes! For sure!" and not do it. If you are an example of someone who keeps their word, it will be all that more likely that your child will grow up to keep his or her word.

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS

• Strong-Willed
• self-esteem

Building Positive Self- Esteem

I know there is much debate among authors of parenting books (and therefore among parents) about whether self-esteem is real or not. No matter what name you give it, I think that children, just like anyone, have a perception of themselves. I also think that it is important to try to make that perception both accurate and positive. There is no reason for a person to have a negative view of themselves.

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child has an entire chapter dedicated to building self-esteem. Here are some thoughts:;

Skill Level
Forehand and Long talk about skill level. They say that self-esteem builds based on the child's skill level and his evaluation of it. I believe that the child's evaluation of it is key here. Some people think they are better than they are, while others never seem to be able to accept they are as good at something as they are.

While we want to raise children who are humble, I do think it is best to recognize and accept what you are good at. For one thing, from a religious perspective, refusing to recognize your strengths is essentially refusing to recognize the gives the Lord has given you. For another, the inability to recognize strengths can paralyze, or at the very least, slow down your ability to help where your skills are needed.

Forehand and Long go on to say that as the parent, you should help your child develop skills necessary to achieve the best of his ability. Focus on strengths. Minimize his weaknesses. Help him to feel good about his strengths.

It takes perceptiveness as a parent of young children to recognize strengths. I also think you need to be careful you don't box your child into a stigma that isn't necessarily true.

What about minimize strengths? I can't speak to what the authors meant exactly. To me, that means for one, you help the child improve in that area so long as it is an area that is either needed or that he has interest in. If your child can't find a beat but loves to dance, let her take dance. But if she hates it, don't push it. Let her do what she is interested in. But maybe your child isn't very good at being polite to others.

Among my children, Kaitlyn has this amazing ability for being a hostess that far exceeds my abilities. I am not exaggerating in the least. If you come to my home, it likely won't even cross my mind to offer you food or drink, but it will Kaitlyn's! I literally learn from her. She invites people in, invites them to sit, asks if they want a drink or some food...I don't know where she gets it from. What a great talent! Brayden is more like me. So while this is a weakness of his, it is one I think should be worked on to become a strength (and yes, one I need to work on too).

Forehand and Long emphasize to allow your child to follow his interests, not yours. Did you always want to be first-chair in the orchestra? That doesn't mean your child does. Let your child follow his dreams. Also, encourage your child to develop skills in areas he has a strong aptitude or ability.

Now, this can all get a bit tricky. I am of the belief that a person should strive to be well-rounded without running himself into the ground. My current game plan is that our children will be required to be involved in one physical activity and one musical activity. So they can do dance, sports, gymnastics, tumbling, track, etc. I think it is important to be physically active. I also highly value music, so I will want them in a musical lesson of some sort. These are things I will encourage, and yes, require. But the exact avenue they take in these areas is up to them.

If you are a praying person, I would highly encourage you to be prayerful that you will recognize you child's natural strengths and weaknesses so you can properly assess each.

Offer Encouragement
Offer praise and encouragement to your child for a job well done. Make them verbal and non-verbal. Pats on the bag. Verbal praise. Hang artwork. Something Forehand and Long say is to praise the effort rather than the outcome. "Wow, I can tell you worked really hard on this picture." "You sure tried your best out there on the field!"

Limit the negative feedback you give. Many psychologists say to offer so many "good jobs" per negative comment. Forehand and Long say to offer 3-4 positives for every negative. Remember to say yes when you can, no when you must.

Avoid absolutes. "You always..." or "You never..." are not productive. "You always spill your milk!" or "You never put your shoes away!" Statements like these paint a false sense of reality and can make the person receiving this comments feel like there is no reason to put forth effort because the positive is not recognized anyway.

Encourage your child to have positive self-talk. When he talks about his abiltities, encourage him to talk positively.

Allow Responsibilities
Give your child responsibilities. He will feel good about helping.

Let your child make simple decisions, like what shirt to wear or which sippy cup to drink out of. You have to make decisions you offer age appropriate. Allowing for age-appropriate decisions shows your child you trust him, and it also helps him practice getting to know about consequences.

Allow your child to take some risks. Sometimes he might fail. I love the point from Forehand and Long that says that single failure does not have a negative impact on self-concept; repeated failure does. Children need to learn how to cope with failure. We can also learn a lot from failure. So step back and allow those consequences to come.

You have to be careful that you don't demand perfection. No child is perfect. Encourage best effort.

Teach Problem Solving Skills
Teach your child to be able to solve problems on his own. This of course is easily achieved through independent playtime.

Teach Social Skills
Give your child chances to have social experiences as age appropriate. Make sure you are present as needed by age, also, so you can be there to observe and discuss things with your child.

Give Time
Remember to give your child time and attention. Be accepting of your child. Show love. Keep your home a safe place. Your child gets enough assault from the world; make sure that you are one who shows him unconditional love. That doesn't mean you never discipline or correct, but it does mean you are kind and show love at the same time.

Conclusion
This is a rough summary of one chapter in one book on building positive self esteem. There are entire books written on just one category (for example, The Five Love Languages of Children would discuss showing love to children (under give time) and The Parenting Breakthrough is all about teaching responsibility).

In the end, stay present in your child's life, be prayerful, and show love and these things should happen naturally.

RELATED BLOG LABELS:

• Strong Willed
• love language
• Parenting breakthrough
• parenting
• Making Children Mind...Show Love
• Making Children Mind...Encouragement vs. Reward