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Positive Communication in Marriage

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Our last discussion on marriage was on responding to challenges in marriage. Today, we are sticking with that theme with a focus on communication. 


Every married couple involves two different people. Because we are different, we have different opinions on some things. Every couple should have some things they have differing views on--you are different. That is totally normal and okay to disagree on some things. Often times, it is very productive because it causes you to really analyze your options and usually come to an even stronger opinion that you both agree on.

An important thing to do in marriage is to focus on the positive qualities your spouse has. When you first got married, you likely primarily focused on all of the great things about the other person. There were so many things you loved. At this point, no matter how long you have been married, you should know your spouse better than you did when you first married, and that means you will also be more aware of the shortcomings of your spouse.

It can be easy to start to hone in and focus on those shortcomings and faults and look past the good things. A great practice to have is to continually focus on the things you like about your spouse. You married that person for a reason. Make lists in your head or on paper about the things you like and appreciate in your spouse. 

I am a big believer in communication. My major was Technical Communication and my minor was Communications--highly focused on various interpersonal communications. Open communication, in most cases if not all, helps to prevent difficulties and resolve difficulties. Let's discuss three basic communication elements that can help greatly in a marriage.
  • Listening to each other
  • Discussing challenges openly and calmly
  • Communicating in loving and positive ways
Listening
This has got to be one of the hardest things for people to do when it comes to communication. Strange right? We put all of this effort into learning to talk but our path to learning to listen is rather passive. Often times when we are having a discussion we are passionate about, we spend the time the other person is talking preparing our next statement rather than listening to what the person is saying. 

When you listen, you know what the other person is saying. Novel! When you know what the other person is saying, you can do your best to make sure you understand and can try to see things from the other person's perspective before making a judgement call or offering advice. When the other person knows you listen, that person will feel like you love him and will feel valued by you. He will thus also feel less need to defend himself because he knows you have listened and made an effort to understand.

Listening is such a huge part of communication that I had an entire semester spent on a class called "Listening." That was it. I didn't have an entire semester on any other communication topic by itself. We covered many things. We talked about how to phrase things in times of conflict. We talked about empathizing.  But we never focused solely on any one specific thing for the semester in any other class for communication.

Listening is important. I think we think it is easy. We assume we do listen and that we can. Things, however, often get in our way. Our busy lives can get in the way. Our lack of interest in the subject might get in the way. Remember, we want to listen always, not just in a time of disagreement. Positive communication helps prevent  common problems in a marriage that arise because of poor communication. 

How do we listen better?

Have a time each day where you just talk with each other with no distractions. Couch time is one way to do this. You do nothing else but talk to one another and listen to each other.

As you listen, try to understand what is said, and no interrupting! You can ask for clarification if you don't understand.

Also, don't get angry or offended. Many times both of you can be right if you have differing opinions. There is more than one right way to do things, and many opinions are based on an aesthetic taste--which varies from person to person.

Discuss
As you discuss issues that arise, do so quietly. I am fortunate to have a husband who is not one to raise his voice. Neither of us are, but if he were to yell at me, I am sure I would yell back (sad, but true). He never does yell, so neither do I. That isn't to say we never disagree--we often do. But we don't yell about it. I love this quote, "Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, 'Unless the house is on fire' " (David O. McKay). 

We are grown ups and can control ourselves. I know I wouldn't be okay with my children yelling at each other when they disagreed, so I shouldn't have any lower standard for myself.

I think it is also important to be open in your communication. Be honest. And remember, you can disagree without being diagreeable. I am a big believer in honesty. Some people think that in order to be fully honest, you have to basically be rude. I don't think that is true. I think you can share your differing opinions respectfully and kindly. 

Be Loving
Remember those things you thought of at the beginning of this article about why you loved your spouse? Focus on those things an lovingly express appreciation for those things.

"Avoid ceaseless pinpricking...[this] can deflate almost any marriage...Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don't need frequent reminders" Joe J. Christensen. 

When we are positive in our communications, we inspire the other person to be better. When we first got married, my husband encouraged me to learn to make bread. I had no idea how to make bread, but he seemed so confident in my abilities to learn that I thought I would give it a shot. As I learned, he always ate it and told me how great it was. I am sure it was not as fabulous as he led me to believe it was. He was encouraging. Because of that, I continued to work on it. Today, I am really pretty good at making bread. If my husband had spent that time telling me what was wrong with the bread, I probably wouldn't have been to interested in continuing to work at it. 

Conclusion
Communicating positively will do great things for your marriage. Listening to each other will help you to understand each other and respect each other's differences more. Communicating opening will help avoid the problem of that pile that gets broken by the "last straw." Finding the positive and focusing on that is a great way to help encourage each other to be the best you can be. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to apply these things, but if you do, you will find your disagreements lead to a productive ending rather than a harmful one.

Inspiration for this post found here.

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Put Your Marriage First

How putting your marriage first makes you a better parent and leaves your children happier.
How putting your marriage first makes you a better parent and leaves your children happier.

To me, the principle of putting your marriage first makes perfect sense. So much sense that it never crossed my mind that other people would feel any differently. One day on a Maya's Mom (a social networking site for mothers), the question was posed in a general group about who comes first: the husband or the child.

The answers people gave were really split down the middle, and moms who responded husband were kind of "looked at" with disgust. The moms who said child said they had actually had the conversation with their spouse and they had agreed that the child comes first. I was honestly quite floored. I thought parents who put children first in the relationship did so without realizing it, not that a verbal agreement had taken place to make it that way.

There were of course some extreme arguments for putting children first. Some said that is so if their husband abused the child in any way, they would leave, if money got tight and food was scarce, the child would be fed before the husband, etc.

I had to point out that you don't have to put the child first in order to do those things. Parents will sacrifice for their children. Parents will do what they must to make sure their kids don't go hungry. I can't imagine my husband loading up his plate and requiring his children to go hungry; that just isn't a real concern of mine. Also, putting my husband first does not mean that I would step back if he started abusing the kids in any way.

To put your marriage first does not mean you have to neglect the children as many people seem to believe. Sadly, since they think whichever comes second must be neglected, this would mean the marriage is being neglected as they put their relationship with their child first.

As a child growing up, my parents put each other first, and I in no way felt neglected. I loved to see my parents together and spending time with each other. It made me happy. They can be kind of nerdy and dress all matching; despite the nerdiness of it all, it also made me happy to see them being so cheesy and in love.

When Brayden sees my husband and I kiss, he giggles and gets a huge smile on his face. Knowing parents are secure helps the child feel secure. It might seem counter intuitive to some, but it doesn't make it any less true.

The reality of it all is that your child is going to live with you for about 18 years (some more) and then move on and do their own thing. They go to college, they get jobs, they get married, and they have their own children. Your spouse, however, will not (at least that is the idea). Once the kids are gone, do you really want to look at your husband and wonder who he is, what he likes to do, and if you even still like much less love him? I have personally seen this happen in marriages. I have seen parents who put their children first have a difficult time when their kids got married. They had a hard time knowing what to do with themselves and each other. They had a hard time letting their kids do their own things and establish a good bond with their new spouse. They were overbearing because they had nothing else to do.

Are parents being selfish when they put their kids first? Absolutely not. I find it very easy to put the kids first. It is basically effortless to do so. Realize that you have a natural, strong, unconditional love for your children. You love them no matter what. You don't have to "work" to love your child. It is different with your spouse, though. You love your spouse, but you do have to work at it. Marriage requires work.

This is one reason I think it is important to make the decision to put your marriage first. You don't have to try to love your children, but you have to work to love your spouse. You can so easily become so wrapped up in your kids that your marriage relationship starts to wither, and your children can certainly see that. This post contains affiliate links.

COUCH TIME
Couch time is one way to ensure that your marriage relationship has a chance to grow, and a concrete example for your children to witness. That is one thing to remember; couch time should be in the presence of your kids. Yes, your marriage will benefit from one-on-one time with each other with or without the children looking on, but them watching it helps give them a visual example that their parents love each other. Here are some couch time tips.
    How putting your marriage first makes you a better parent and leaves your children happier.
  • Have a set time. We all know if you have a regular time set aside for things like this, you have a great chance for success. Exercising, praying, scripture study, etc. You are more likely to succeed if you set a time.
  • Make the time work for your family. It is usually advised in the Babywise books to do couch time as soon as Dad gets home from work. My husband gets home so early that the kids are both usually asleep still. For us, we need a different time of day to do couch time in front of the kids. Don't think you can't do couch time if dad gets home at a time that makes immediate couch time impossible. There are benefits to doing it first thing (shows child priorities of parents), but don't let that prevent you from doing it at all.
  • Sit and talk one-on-one for 15 minutes.
  • If and when the kids try to interrupt you, you tell them that you are visiting with Daddy, Daddy is first, and then you will be happy to play with them when you are done.
  • As they point out in Childwise, this has no negative side effects, so why not try it?
  • You don't have to sit on the couch. You can sit on chairs or at the table or on the bed.
  • If you are just starting this up, take the time to explain what you are going to do and the rules for it (you can play quietly, you can listen, etc. but cannot interrupt us)
BENEFITS
  • A healthy marriage creates stability for a child. A child who sees couch time sees her parents working together as one.
  • Anxiety over the relationship of parents can affect every other learning discipline.
  • There is an example in Childwise about a toddler waking up in the night randomly. After the parents started couch time, the girl stopped waking in the night. This might sound too good to be true, but I have heard from moms that this indeed has been true for them also. For more on this story, see Chapter Two of Childwise.
  • Couch time can help behavioral problems, impulsive behavior, talking back, sleep problems, and defiance (see page 40 in Childwise).
  • As they say in Childwise, great marriages make great parents.
I know that not all people are able to do this. I know there are single parents for various reason. I know there are dads who travel for work. I know there are families with one parent serving in the military. You can still find ways to put your spouse first even if he/she is far from you. If you are a family with two parents, make the effort to do put your marriage first. You will see wonderful results. 

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Combating Babywise Myths #2: You have to abandon your child's needs

Combating Babywise Myths #2: You have to abandon your child's needs. Babywise never encourages abandoning the needs of baby. Here is the truth about Babywise. 
Combatting Babywise Myths #2: You have to abandon your child's needs. Babywise never encourages abandoning the needs of baby. Here is the truth about Babywise.

On Becoming Babywise Book Two (affiliate) brings up the idea of couch time with your spouse, and every book following stresses the importance of it. Some critics of Babywise criticize the idea of putting your spouse first. This is not one of the hotter anti-Babywise topics, but one I wanted to address.

Even before I ever knew Babywise existed, I have felt husband and wife needed to put their relationship first. As a child growing up, I knew my parents put each other first. Their loyalties lied with each other, not my sister or me. They were a unified front. If (um...when) I was mouthy to my Mom, my Dad would talk to me about why that was not okay when he got home from work. Did that make me mad? You bet! I was sure I was justified in mouthing off and didn't appreciate him telling me otherwise. Am I glad he did? Again, you bet.

There is a great deal of comfort a child feels knowing her parents love each other and that nothing is going to break them apart. Yes, they disagreed. Yes, I knew it. But they were friends and committed to each other.

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