How Women Can Ease the Mental Load They Carry (and how men can help)

In this post: How to ease the mental load. How men and women can lift family burdens and keep the load more equitable.

There are days I feel completely over-burdened. These are days I feel like if one more thing pops up, I will surely melt into a puddle of tears on the floor. Those are days that a glass of spilled milk seems like a 1,000 pound brick has been placed on my back. My brain feels like it will explode and I cannot take one more piece of information into it! I cannot possibly take another problem to solve or task to do. This is the impact of the mental load growing too large.

The "mental load" is every single thing you have to keep track of. It is the myriad of things that have to be kept track of for a family. We all have our daily "to-do" lists, and those can be long, overwhelming, and seemingly insurmountable. Even heavier and more overwhelming is the mental load we carry. All of those invisible tasks or things that can't simply be checked off you have to keep track of in your mind.

Add on top of that mental load a day filled with children who talk constantly and you just can't take one more thing. You can't even adequately track that mental load because you can't even complete a sentence when you talk to yourself. You are constantly interrupted by a child; a child whom you love and whom you want to talk to and whom you want to take care of, but whose endless talking is significantly adding to your stress. A child who is so excited to tell you what she learned, or ask all of the questions that pop in her mind, or who needs a lot of help because she is just little. Now you have the load to carry while juggling the children. 

Men are more and more doing more in the home to help out. For the most part, gone are the days when a man gets home from work, sits down, and relaxes the night away. Men are coming home and jumping in. Men are helping out and are even happy and eager to help. They want to be more involved and they want to help their wives. This is such a great step! 

The next step is acknowledging "mental load" a woman carries and helping ease some of that mental load. Studies are showing that even women who work full time carry the brunt of the mental load. Women can get quite good at learning to balance and track all of these things. But when something comes along that is suddenly added to that load, it can be that straw that breaks the camel's back. 

Even something as simple as Suzy coming home from school sad because she had a big fight with her friends at school can be enough to put a mother over the edge. It is no small thing to talk through a situation like this and carefully respond. A mom worries about her child and the pondering continues long past the time the conversation ends, often even through the night. What advice should she best give? What is the right thing to say? Did she say the right thing? How can she help heal her daughter's broken heart? 

Then of course, the already present load of things to track start to feel like even more of a weight. How can she keep track of all of that while putting her mental focus into this new dilemma? 

Yes, it is great when someone steps in and helps out when asked. It is even better for someone to come along and say, "Hey, I got this. I will just take care of this burden I see it and take care of it."

When a woman asks for help with something, she doesn't let go of that in her mind until the task is complete. So when she asks Dad to help Johnny with his homework, the fact that Johnny needs his homework done is still on her mind and being juggled as a "to-do" task in her brain until the homework is actually done. 

So let's get the conversation going. How can the mental load be eased?

Women can help ease the mental load by:

• Avoid overscheduling the family. Do not let your children participate in more than you can keep track of and still maintain balance of that load in your head. Where possible, sign up for things with friends so carpooling can happen (and friends are usually great reminders to help you remember things you need to keep track of!). 
• Vent when you need to. Sometimes you need to talk to someone and just get it all out. Let them know you are venting. Often, when we rattle off the list of things stressing us out, we realize it all isn't a big deal. Be cautious with the ventint; you don't want to be negative or pessimistic. But I do find it helpful to talk about things you are stressed about.
• Write down everything on your mind. Do a mind purge every once in a while. Sit down and write down every single thing you are thinking of that is on your "to-do" list. Everything. Then, find a way to track it. Get an app. Keep a simple list. Get a planner. Write things on a calendar. Put reminders in your phone. Whatever works for you, do it. Get those things off your brain. Bonus tip, when you have this list completed, highlight or star things that can be done in 5-10 minutes and knock them out right then. Removing things from your brain helps ease stress significantly.
• Ask your spouse to take something over. If there is something your spouse can take over, ask him to. Do be aware and sympathetic to any mental load he may bare. You aren't the only one with worries, but studies show women carry the vast bulk, so in most cases, it is perfectly just to seek some balance. You must, however, be willing to give up anything you delegate. Your spouse may not take over a task in the same way you would do it. You have to walk away and let him do it his way. It is not relieving your mental load if you micromanage it. That actually adds to your mental load because now you have the task of overseeing. 
• Do not get mad when your husband takes initiative and does something without asking you. If he goes grocery shopping and buys the wrong brand of peanut butter, just be grateful he bought the peanut butter. If he decides to make dinner without checking with you to see what should be made, do not get upset. 
• Have fair and clear expectations. Look at the things each of you is over and try to get things in a reasonable place. If both of you work, the home life load can reasonably more even. If one person works and the other stays home, it is reasonable that the person staying home will have more of the mental load to carry than the one working outside the home. Also, talk about what you are hoping for. Don't stomp around the house mad that he isn't reading your mind. Communicate your needs. 
• Be willing to accept help as it is. If your husband cleans the bathroom but doesn't do it your way, accept it and move on. The bathroom will get dirty all over again and need to be cleaned soon, so you can clean it then. 
• Do something every once in a while that distracts your mind. A "To-Do" list is never finished. You will always have  more you can do. Find something that clears your mind so you can't think of anything on the list. My way to do this is to read a book. While I am reading, I am only focused on the book. I am not worried about my list. It rests my brain and allows me to recharge mentally. You might do this through something like a girls night out, a date night, Sudoku, or a movie. 

Men can help ease the mental load by:

A note to men. Many men, to at least some extent, wait to be asked to do something. They are happy to help, but they do not do so without their wife or partner explicitly saying, "Will you please go change that diaper that is barely hanging on the toddler?" She asks this question while she is trying to help the 6 year old with homework and make dinner at the same time. You agree to change the diaper and do it. You probably feel great and pat yourself on the back for being so helpful. 

Let me bring you in on a secret.

It would have been nicer for you to have taken note of the dirty diaper and gone and changed it yourself. That is what women are hoping for. Initiative. Noticing what is going on around you and responding appropriately. While you are patting yourself on the back for being so helpful, your wife is wondering why she has to ask a child's father to change a diaper. Here are some ways you can help ease the mental load your wife carries. 

• Pay attention to what is going on around you and take initiative. When you look around the room and see your wife balancing dinner and helping the six year old, look further and think, "What else needs to be done right now? Oh! Look at that diaper about to fall off the toddler. I will go change that." 
• Sit down and discuss the list of chores. What can you take over? What can be your thing, day
  
  after day, that she doesn't have to worry about any more?
• Ask your wife what things stress her out and see if you can take over any of that. When my husband and I first got married, I tracked all of the bills and finances. Once I had two children, this came to be too much for me. My husband took over tracking bills and the budget so that I could remove that mental load off my brain.
• Take care of everything for a while so you understand it. We can't fully appreciate and understand what a person is dealing with until we experience it. Send the wife away for several days and see what it is like to track it all. Don't just turn to technology to entertain the kids while she is gone. Get them to their events. Make sure their homework is done on time. Make sure their clothes and bedding are clean and they are showering. Make sure they have lunch money. Keep the baby on schedule and tweak it correctly if she is off. Make dinner. 
• Sort through problems on your own. Many years ago, I injured my foot and could not walk well for at least a month. During that time, my husband went grocery shopping for me. He literally called me about once every five minutes to ask a question. There were all sorts of questions. He didn't want to mess up, but it was exhausting! It is okay to figure things out on your own (and women, we have to be okay with things being done differently than we would do them in these cases).
• If you agree to do something she has asked you to do, do it in a timely manner. The reasons wives end up "nagging" you to do something is she is desperately trying to get that item out of her head. She can't until you do it. If you can't do it quickly, let her know, "I won't get to this for about an hour (or a week)." Then she can reshuffle the things she is trying to track.
• Encourage your wife. Encourage her to take breaks. Be grateful for the efforts she makes.

Examples of a Mental Load

It is utterly exhausting to keep track of everything for an entire family. There are countless invisible things a woman typically keeps track of that no one sees but her. A short list of things that need to be tracked are:

• Dentist appointment visits
• Doctor visits
• Birthdays of your small immediate family as well as extended (and for some reason, the woman is often expected to keep track of events for both sides of the extended family)
• Social events and play dates
• Changing sheets
• Hair cuts
• Clothing (what size everyone is, what needs to be purchased, what can hold on for a bit longer, and when sales are so things can be frugally purchased)
• Napping schedules
• Laundry
• Cleaning
• Teaching chores
• Lessons and extra curricular activities
• Carpool schedules
• Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner
• Paying for the lessons and extra curricular activities
• Doing hair
• Making sure homework is done
• Talking to the children about their day and life
• Reminding you complete your tasks you are supposed to be doing (whether from calling your mom to taking out the garbage)
• Bathing children
• If there is enough toilet paper in the house
• Making sure children brushed their teeth
• Teaching children life skills
• Changing diapers
• Potty training
• When the car should be registered
• How the yard is looking
• Preserving family memories (journaling, taking photos, organizing photos, sharing photos with friends and family...)
• Celebrating holidays and occasions 

The list above is just a snippet of the things a typical woman is trying to keep straight in her head day in and day out.This is a surface list, and it doesn't even expand past the home. It doesn't reach out to staying in contact with friends or taking a meal to someone in need. It doesn't account for volunteering in the community or for any work the wife may be doing. 

Understanding the mental load, what it is, and how it impacts your life daily helps you understand why a seemingly small thing can feel like Mount Everest. It can help you better understand what tasks you can add to your plate, and it can help you delegate things out and accept the best others can give. It can help you on those days, that do come, when you feel completely overwhelmed, you can step back, empty your overcrowded brain, and reach out for help. 

See Also:

• How to Divide Responsibilities in a Marriage
• Easy Cleaning Options for Busy Moms
• Balancing Household Responsibilities with Family Time
• How Clean Should You Keep Your House? 
• How to Be Productive as a Mom
• Challenges in Marriage
• Developing Unity in Marriage

How to Divide Responsibilities in a Marriage

Chances are high that when you came into your marriage, you and your spouse had different views of exactly how to divide labor in the home. Who is in charge of cooking? Cleaning? Dishes? Diapers? Laundry? Garbages? The list of household chores is extensive, and once you add children to the mix, there are even more responsibilities to be added to the daily list.

The question is, how will you divide responsibilities? Someone needs to be in charge of each thing. Even if you are both all on board with an idea of "everything is both of our jobs," you need someone to take point. That's nice if you are both willing to cook, but there needs to be order or else you will both be planning meals (and possibly even taking steps to prep) or you will both be waiting around for the other one to get started on dinner. Maybe you both cook each meal? Maybe it varies from day to day depending on what is going on? You just don't want to end up with resentment because expectations are not expressed. 

Oftentimes, our expectations for who will do what is shaped by what our parents did as we grew up. We might want to emulate what they did, or we might want to radically change what they did. Sometimes we are raised differently than how our parents did things. My husband is an example of this. His father was raised in a home where traditional roles were kept. His father continued that on as my husband grew up (though that has changed by today). His mother, however, was raised in a home where her father contributed extensively to household duties, which was rare for the era. She raised my husband to be an equal contributor at home, and he always has been. 

People can have strong opinions about how responsibilities should be divided. Some couples are happy in a fully traditional setup. Some are equal. Others do some sort of hybrid and even an ebb and flow where things can shift as circumstances change. 

While you might think there is only one right way, there really isn't one right way for everyone. What is important is that both people in the marriage are on the same page and willing to compromise to come to a consensus so that both people feel satisfied with the arrangement. 

1-Communicate

You must communicate about the division of responsibilities. You may have grown up in a home where your father emptied every garbage in the home and you feel fully offended that your husband leaves garbages for your hands to touch at times, but he doesn't know that if  you don't share that.

You both need to talk about what you prefer as you divide responsibilities. Write down what needs to be done and talk about who will be the main person in charge of those things.

Be frank about if/thens, also. My husband knows that if he does the dishes after dinner, I am going to make more elaborate meals. If I am making dinner and then cleaning dinner up, what we eat will be heavily influenced by how many dishes I have to dirty. My husband loves food, so he is happy to take on the dishes. 

2-Be More Concerned for Each Other

If you spend your time more concerned for your spouse than yourself, you will find yourself much  happier. Rather than grumbling because your life is so hard, think of how you can make your spouses life easier. When you see a need, fill a need. Don't think, "Not my job! Not my problem!" If you are more concerned for your spouse than yourself, then you will see a need and do what you can to fill it.

3-Don't Keep Score

Life isn't going to be 50/50. It just won't. If you keep track of how much more you do around the house than your spouse, you will live very miserably.

4-Step Up When Your Spouse is Overburdened

When your husband is working longer hours than usual, step up and help cover things he usually does. When your wife just delivered a baby, step up and cover some of her usual responsibilities. Also, as your children get older, use them! With my husband building an addition on our home for almost the last year, my children have had to step up and take on more household responsibilities. It has been great for them to contribute to the home more.

5-Take Back Over When Things Calm Down

If your spouse is a rockstar and takes on some of your jobs while you are stressed, step back in to those jobs when things calm down, or take on some of his jobs. Don't leave him overburdened, or he will likely be hesitant to step in and help next time. A cute older woman in my church once warned me, "Don't take on anything that he does unless you want to do it forever." Sage advice! Advice based on observation and real-life experience. We do that, right? Someone does something nice for us and we step back, dust our hands off, and think, "Whew! Got that one off my plate!" Remember, see a need, fill a need.

6-Always Contribute

Look, working outside the home is rough. Sure. That doesn't mean when you get home, you get to be "off." Being a stay at home parent is never-endingly exhausting. Yes. That doesn't mean when your spouse gets home from work that you are now off duty. You both need to help when you are both around. Sometimes one of you will need a break. You will need a night out every so often or even just someone to box out when the kids try to talk to you in the bathroom. We all have our days when we just need a moment. We don't need every day, though. We might want every day, but we don't need it. 

Many hands make light work, so help each other out. See a need, fill a need.

7-Don't Be Afraid to Change Things
When my husband and I first got married, I had total control over the finances. I did the budget, I paid the bills, and I knew where our money was. This was a great thing at the time. While we are both frugal, I am even more so than he is. By a lot, really. He lives life more spontaneously while I am always planning and preparing for the future. We were both going to school full time and working part time, so we didn't have a lot of money. It was good for me to be over the finances.

When Kaitlyn came along, I had two children under the age of two, and keeping on top of the bills got overwhelming for me. So my husband took over.

This was a great move at that point in our marriage. It helped him be more aware of the state of our finances, so he was more conscientious about what we spent where. I was not always the "no, we shouldn't spend money on that" person. He got more frugal. It helped me relax some on spending money. By that time, he had a real job so it was a good time for me to relax. It also helped bills be paid on time, which is a plus!

My point is, as life changes and circumstances change, mix up who is responsible for what. As you get to know each other and yourselves better, mix up who is over what. Play to your strengths to make a strong team. Nothing needs to be set in stone.

I will give you another example.

When we have a nursing baby, I am the one who puts the baby to bed at night. As soon as the baby turns one and is weaned, my husband takes over bedtime for that little one. We do this so that he can get some good, quality time with that child each day. He works full time, so while I spend all day every day with the little one, he has only hours. I have a couple of naptimes to do, so I get plenty of opportunity for the cuddling and reading stories. Being in charge of bedtime for that child helps my husband form a bond with that little one.

Conclusion
One of the best tools you will have as you divide up responsibilities in marriage is to communicate. Talk. Share your expectations, hopes, likes, and dislikes. Listen to his. Find something that works for both of you. Keep those lines of communication open and talk about changes that might need to be made as they arise.

The ladies of the BFBN are all talking about marriage today. Check them out:

• 5 ways to get out of a marriage valley
• Communication and Grace: Two keys to building up your marriage in times of stress
• What I Want My Daughter To Notice About Our Marriage
• Date Night Babysitting Swap How To
•  One Quick Trick To A Happier And Healthy Marriage 

How To Achieve Happiness in Marriage

It was almost my turn. I should have felt a little nervous or silly, but I felt confident. Though I had only been married for 10 months myself, I was sure I had the best marriage advice one could receive. We were at my cousin's wedding and taking turns offering the newlyweds marital advice. I was sure I had a winner.

And you know what?

I did.

It isn't because of my own wisdom and life experience. It was only because I was wise enough to listen to the wisdom and life experience of others who had that gift of hindsight in life. 

"I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come." Gordon B. Hinckley

Rephrased--if you focus on the needs and wants for your spouse instead of your own, you will be happy in your marriage. If both parties in the marriage will do that, can you imagine the happiness? That is the simple key to unlock happiness in marriage. Selflessness and service. You are focusing on making sure you are doing enough, not tallying up your spouses mistakes and noting every way there has been failure. 

image source

Is it always easy? No, of course not. It sounds sublime in written form, but it isn't always easy to apply. We are humans, after all. We get selfish and we get feelings hurt. 

But what if you tried? Would things improve? Yes! 

Put the time and effort needed into making sure your marriage is strong. When you put your marriage first, your children benefit, and so do you! The marriage relationship is important not only now for your children, but for their marriage relationship down the road. Try this relatively simple trick to having happiness in your marriage.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Forgiveness in Marriage

• Marriage, Technology, Social Media, and Loyalty

• Positive Communication in Marriage

• Communication Skills

• Challenges in Marriage

• Love and Friendship in Marriage

• Developing Unity In Marriage

• Strengthening Marriage

• Importance of Marriage

• Uniting as Parents

• Put Your Marriage First

• Marriage: "Just Hang In There"
• Doing a Weekly Check-In
• Foundations for a Strong Marriage
• Managing Marriage Slumps

Managing Marriage Slumps

I recently posed a question on the Chronicles Facebook page asking people how they manage those marriage slumps. Having children to take care of, nurture, and raise can take a lot out of you. You can find it hard to stay awake much past bedtime, giving you and your spouse little time together. You can find it hard to think of things to talk about other than the children. You can get extremely impatient because you feel like you are doing it all alone. I asked how people find more patience and how they improve their relationship.

These marriage slumps are real life. Real life is hard. In real life, you disagree sometimes. In real life, your spouse disappoints you sometimes. In real life, your feelings get hurt sometimes. In real life, you get tired. In real life, you get lazy. In real life, things get "blah." That doesn't mean marriage turns into all of those negative things at all times, but there are moments when we feel these things. 

Last year, I asked questions on how to survive certain situations. This is a situation we want to do more than survive. We want to be the master of these situations and manage them.

Make a List

Roesmary said: I write a list of all the things my husband does well. It helps me tremendously to focus on the things that he's great about rather than the little things that might drive me nuts.

Prayer

Sheena said: PRAY..Christ in me will do it because He promises to manifest HIS PATIENCE LOVE AND KINDNESS thru me and those who believe...anything born og my self effort might work 4 a day but not long lol

Kina said: I remind myself that my expectation should be in God, not my husband. I put the responsibilty on Him!  Saidah Washington from A Proverbs Wife has a YouTube video on her "hubby journal" and she says it really helped her marriage. Check it out!

Alyssa said:  I pray to see him through God's eyes. It really works. I've done this consistently over different time in our marriage and it's amazing how easily we work through the hardest things when I see him and his potential with unconditional love. When I'm not working on seeing him that way life can get really rough.

Golden Rule

Megan said: I was just telling one of my girls- "would you treat your best friend like that? well your sister is your best freind so please think about that before you respond to her in an inapproriate way". It got me thinking about family and marriage and how I respond to my husband- decided to take my own advice and remember he is my best friend. Parenting myself!

Love More

Alyssa said: I've also trained myself to see these rough patches as opportunities to pour out excessive love in his love languages. I make it my goal to smother him with all the love in all the ways I can think of and we both are much closer in a day or two. 

Allow No Other Options

Betsy said: I think on the very roughest days or in the lows, what brings me the absolute most comfort is that there is no plan b for us. we will never give up on each other (no "D" word) and I know that there will be valleys and peaks. we're in the funnel right now...5 months, 2, and a newly turned 5 year old. curious to see what types of responses you get 

wink emoticon

Just Carry On

Susan said: Sometimes I lose it and start slamming pots and pans around and really cleaning the crap out of the house lol. But usually you just carry on, you're bound to have days that aren't stellar. Like a lot of days I think. We talk and try to keep our sense of humor when things get bumpy. I also mentally go through the list of things my husband does that I could never do. I've actually imagined what would happen if he died, how would I cope? He's invaluable to our family:)

Kristen said: I just...manage. I take it as it comes and deal with it when it needs to be dealt with. I don't have any sage advice on the matter unfortunately. Lol. It's just part of life. Part of married life. Part of raising a family. It's hard stuff and you just stick your feet in and ride the waves. 

The best you can do is take time to think, breathe, talk it through when you need to, work it out if it needs to be worked out, and then start again the next day when it will inevitably happen again...at least in my experience.. 

Choose Words Carefully

Traci said: When I know that I want to spew venom, I keep my mouth shut! I only say what's completely necessary. I take a deep breath and try to speak those necessary words in a fairly gentle way. If I'm still troubled after a good night's sleep or the chance to decompress, then I can address the issue with much more kindness.

Take Time to Think

Ashley said: I usually retreat into myself and wait it out. I understand that I'm not being ignored on purpose, but that work, parenthood, and other stressors are creating the rifts. After several days, I usually share my struggles and things work out. It is critical to resort to fun things we have in common (for us it is watching Top Gear UK), and know that it is only temporary.

Dawn said: Sometimes I just wait until the next day. For whatever reason we aren't clicking and I know it will be better tomorrow.

Date Each Other

Katrina said: Try to always have a date night or some other fun activity to do together planned so when things feel mundane and frustrating, some fun and relaxation is around the corner!

Jessica said: Find time to spend alone together. Pray. And communicate

Alyson said: It's hard, but I try to "date" my husband as much as possible. We also have date night once a week and go on kid free vacations. I find that couples get into a vicious tit-for-tat cycle. I take the initiative to look nice, cook dinner, make compliments, etc. when my husband feels appreciated, he returns it.

Show Affection

Skye said:  I try to stay affectionate. I pair requests for help with a kiss and hug! Also, making a point to unplug and connect via date night or something to look forward to.

Forgive

Janneke said: Pray for God's help to be gracious to my husband. Just as God is more gracious to me

Allison said: I remember that love keeps no record of wrongs.

Understand Cause

Alexia said: I feel it is almost always a communication problem, especially where I felt he acted unloving, so I in turn treat him disrespectfully. This happens in reverse too.

Have Someone to Talk To

Jess said: Sometimes (depending on the issue) I talk to one of our "safe" friends. When we got married, we established two friends (two girls for me, two guys for him) that we could talk to if we were mad at each other. These were friends we trusted and knew wouldn't let us get away with just griping 

smile emoticon I'm a verbal processor so sometimes just talking it out makes me feel better.

Foundations for a Strong Marriage

Having a strong and happy marriage is easier said (or imagined) than done. This is especially true once children enter the picture. Life becomes infinitely more complicated than it was and you both have so much more to worry about than you ever have. It is easy to find yourselves feeling separated by much. You can wrack your brain for ideas and answers to know how to fix this. Maybe you aren't to a point of feeling separated, but you want to make sure you stay that way. Here are four cornerstones of a strong foundation for marriage. 

Respect Each Other

You need to know who your spouse is as an individual and accept that. We aren't meant to change each other. Women often joke about "fixing" their husbands. We shouldn't spend our time looking for faults and trying to improve the other person. 

Undoubtedly, we all hope we become better people over time as we get older. We gain life experience, wisdom, and maturity. We improve. Improvement comes intrinsically, though, and not because someone pressured us to change who we are.  When you respect each other, it covers so many common problems. Loyalty will be there. Honesty will be there. You will be united. This is part of the foundation because it helps so many other necessary things be built up from it. 

I have always loved this quote:

"I have long felt that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. That involves a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes." Gordon B. Hinckley

Speak Kindly

Proverbs 15:1--A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger."

There seems to be a focus among parents these days to want to stop yelling at their children. This is a fantastic goal! This goal should be broadened to include your spouse. Speaking quietly and with kindness brings peace to the conversation. I know it isn't easy! We have to discipline ourselves to accomplish this. It is a worthy goal and aspiration. If you can maintain a soft answer, your disagreements (and they will come) will be able to be handled with grace. Read more about positive communication in marriage here. 

"...quiet talk is the language of love. It is the language of peace. It is the language of God. It is when we raise our voices that tiny mole hills of difference become mountains of conflict." Gordon B. Hinckley

Be Honest About Finances

Money has long been blamed for problems in marriage. CNBC reported a year ago that "Finances are the leading cause of stress in a relationship..." Money issues are always right up there when people try to pinpoint common reasons for divorce. 

Finances is a topic far more complicated than can be discussed in a couple of paragraphs here. Here are some basics. Be honest about your expenditures. Communicate and come to an agreement before making big purchases. A "big purchase" needs to be defined by the two of you and will most likely change as your life changes. When we first got married, anything $20 or more really would have been a big expense for us. The budget was super tight; we were both going to college full time and working part time. Money was scarce. That number has changed for us today--12 years later. 

Be open and honest about where money is going and where you want it to be going. Be united on money. I don't think you need to discuss every penny ever spent, but you should both be good stewards over the money you have. Do not go spending it as you desire. 

When we were first married and money was very tight, we decided to each have an allowance. Every paycheck, we would each get a set amount of money. That was money we could spend on whatever we wanted individually without stress, but we couldn't go beyond that on frivolous purchases. The budget absolutely didn't allow for it. Read more at Avoiding Debt and Living Within Your Means.

Pray Together

Prayer is a powerful tool. Utilize it. 

These are four broad and basic foundational cornerstones to build your marriage on. Do not discount them. They sound simple enough, but when put into practice they help you go higher and reach more.

Doing a Weekly Check-In

Today is BFBN blog swap day. Today Stephanie will be posting here and I will be posting on Stephanie's blog. I am writing about the roles of father's in a baby's life. Head on over to http://www.givingitgrace.com/2015/08/guest-post-fathers-role-in-babys-life.html to read all about it. 

by Stephanie from GivingitGrace.com

My husband and I started doing a weekly check-in each Sunday evening shortly after we got married. I'm all about intentionality, and this seemed like a great way to ensure he and I were having purposeful conversations. Somewhere along the way our weekly check-ins became less like an interview and more just a framework for a conversation we have about how our week went and what our upcoming week looks like. Doing a weekly check-in with your spouse is a great way to get past the "How was your day? Good" conversation that can happen on repeat every evening. We've also found a weekly check-in is especially helpful if you have tiny humans in your house dominating the topic your conversations (tell me we aren't the only couple that spends our date nights talking ad nauseum about our kids?!). 

The weekly check-in encourages my husband and I to push pause on all the goings-on and just spend some time face to face before we start a new week. Having this time set aside every week helps us to be intentional about our relationship. We've found this to be really fruitful in our marriage, and I hope other couples will consider doing this as well!

Here are the questions we ask and answer to each other each Sunday evening:

• What is your high and low from past week?
• I really try to listen to his answer on this question, as often things going on at his job are either his high or his low. I find it worth noting if he's stressed at work so that I can be mindful of that when he's at home.
• How did you feel loved this past week?
• I love this question. I am easily susceptible to putting standards on myself as a wife that mean nothing to my husband. I've learned over the years that my husband does not feel loved by a fancy Pinterest dinner or the fact that I make the bed every morning (which apparently I just do for me as he could care less). He almost always answers this question by saying he feels loved by how well I take care of our kids. As taking care of the kids often takes up my entire day, it's such a relief to know that really the only thing I can offer him right is the very thing that makes him feel loved during this season in our lives.
• Anything I need to be called to repent of?
• I also love this question, as it prevents me from being a nit-picky wife (most of the time!). If Kyle does something during the week that rubs me the wrong way I make note of it to talk about at the weekly check-in. If it's still bothering me on Sunday night, I tell him about it. If I forget come Sunday, clearly it wasn't worth mentioning in the first place. Obviously if it's something huge we address it in the moment, but most of the time it can wait. I also like this question because Kyle knows it's coming and his heart is in a good place to receive whatever I have to say. And vice versa; when Kyle has things he wants to bring to my attention I'm expecting it and am willing to listen to him more so during this time than I would be in the heat of the moment. 
• How would you best feel pursued this week?
• Some might find this question weird because it's aimed at our sex life, but in this season of our lives (having little kids) we find it's imperative to talk openly and often about the most sacred part of our marriage: our intimacy.
• What does your upcoming week look like?
• Walking through the upcoming week on the calendar together helps prevent scheduling oopsies. It also helps set expectations so we both know what's going on and there's no "you never told me about that" or "I didn't realize you'd be home so late", etc.
• How can I support you logistically this week?
• This question is probably unnecessary to most but we find it's useful to be extra clear about what would be helpful to each of us so that we aren't making assumptions.
• How can I pray for you this week?
• Another question I really try to listen to his answer on - and then actually pray for what he asks for. As his friend, I really like to know what's weighing on his heart or what he is rejoicing over and coming alongside him for either. 

Marriage: "Just Hang In There"

Shortly before my grandfather passed away last month, he and my grandmother celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. My grandmother was asked the secret to a successful marriage. My grandmother's words weer simple, "Just hang in there."

I would assume that anyone who is married and has children by this point in time can chuckle and see the wisdom in the simplicity and truth of "Just hang in there." The secret isn't grand. It isn't doing a certain list of items. It isn't finding the perfect person to marry. It is both people hanging in there. Marriage isn't all roses. There are moments of frustration, even moments of anger! There are misunderstandings and miscommunications. It can be hard. You have to hang in there. 

Of course, there are ways you can take the advice of "hang in there" and "flesh it out" as they say in writing. You can brainstorm ways to help yourself "hang in there." I am sure you can sit and think of some things you can do to hang in there. Here are some ideas I had:

• Recognize and accept differences. Not only are you male and female, and thus very different, but you came from very different upbringings. Even if you grew up in close proximity to each other, there will be many differences in your life experiences. Allow your differences to complete each other as a whole rather than drive a wedge between the two of you. Whatever your differences, you can find ways to allow those to make you an even more awesome unit. If you were the exact same, your strengths as a team would be very limited. 
• Pray for your spouse.
• Focus on the positive. Look at the good things about your spouse. Do not spend time dwelling on the negative sides. When you focus on the negative, a cycle starts and just snowballs until you find yourself fuming mad. You know the idea of "you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be right." Sometimes we need to choose happiness over being right. 
• Speak kindly to each other. Be respectful to your spouse. Speak nicely and kindly about him and to him. Offer compliments even!
• Forgive and ask to be forgiven.
• Communicate. Talk to your spouse. Be direct in your communications--do not hint at what you are thinking/feeling/wanting. Just say it. 

Like I said, there are many things you can do to "just hang in there." These are just some starting point ideas. The next time you face a bump in the road in your marriage, remind yourself to just hang in there. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Forgiveness in Marriage

• Marriage, Technology, Social Media, and Loyalty

• Positive Communication in Marriage

• Communication Skills

• Challenges in Marriage

• Love and Friendship in Marriage

• Developing Unity In Marriage

• Strengthening Marriage

• Importance of Marriage

• Uniting as Parents

• Put Your Marriage First

Living Within Your Means

Today the ladies of the Babywise Friendly Blog Network are all talking about emergency preparedness topics. In the past, I have covered a lot of basics on emergency preparedness. I have talked about Food Storage, Emergency Kits for the Vehicle, Lifefolio, Food Preserving, and 72 Hour Kit Tips. I have also shared ways to organize with my 72 Hour Kit Free Printables and Emergency Preparedness Binder. 

Today I want to go into a topic I haven't covered in the past, and that is living within your means. Living within your means is simply spending less money than you make. This is such an interesting topic to me because I think if you sit and discuss it on a logical level, everyone can easily agree that yes, it makes sense to not spend more money than you make. If you spend more than you make, then you will be in a tough spot. You will also end up paying more for things because you will be paying interest on whatever you are buying. 

Then you step away from that conversation and you find yourself living real life. You find that you see something you really want, and you want it now. You think about all the reasons you need it now. You think about how much easier your life will be, how much more enjoyable life will be, or how it will basically not be worth buying it in the future. 

The next thing you know, you have purchased something on credit and you have extended yourself beyond your means. You now have interest to pay. 

We have to learn to control ourselves. We have to be responsible. We have to say, "I will save up my money for that and then buy it."

I like to heed advice to limit what you are willing to go into debt for. These are:

1. House
2. Education
3. Vehicle

Now, with all of those things, you need to apply the term "modest" to each one. A modest home. Do not go into as much debt as the bank is willing to give you. Also, if you need to go into debt for a vehicle, keep it modest. 

So what is the big deal about living within means? Why should we care? Why not live it up?

1-Debt hurts marriages

One of the leading causes of divorce is financial problems. Many studies say it is the number one cause of divorce. "According to Jeffrey Dew’s paper titled Bank on it: Thrifty Couples are the Happiest,when a spouse feels the other spends their money foolishly, it increases the likelihood of divorce by 45%" (source here). Anderson points out here that a key word here is "feels." Both members of the partnership need to be on the same page of how money will be spent.

If you have ever been in a lot of debt, you know how taxing that stress of the debt can be on your marriage relationship. Maybe you both are placing too much value on material things and letting it get in between your relationship. Maybe you fight constantly because you are both so stressed out about how to get out of this debt-binding situation. 

It is important for couples to get on the same page financially and to make a plan on how to spend and save money. 

2-You will never make enough money

I just don't think people ever make so much money that they can't spend it all. The more money you get, the more you think about spending it on. Higher incomes will equal larger homes and fancier cars. People in general can't seem to ever be satisfied with what they have.

When we were first married, we made so very little money. We were both students full time who were working part time. We lived in a tiny little thing someone called an apartment (and we believed it). We spent maybe $25 a week on groceries. We rarely ate out. We pinched our pennies in order to get by.

Today, we make a significantly higher amount of money. Neither of us feel, however, happier than we did when we were first married. Yes, we can afford more, but in many ways, we don't have a lot more free income. Our fixed expenses have grown. We live in a house on a good piece of land. We own two vehicles instead of one. We have children to feed and clothe. We have internet service and dish TV. 

Despite making more money, we are not happier nor are we able to buy whatever we want whenever we want to.

I say all of this to convince you that it is worth the discipline it takes to be willing to live within your means. Living out of it will not make you happier. Debt is binding. 

3-Money can work for you

When I was in college, I took a fabulous class called "Personal Finance." My professor stressed the importance of living within your means and saving for your future. She pointed out that money can work for you. Like I said before, debt is binding. It is a "harsh taskmaster." You can, instead, make your money work for you. You can save and invest and let the interest be on your side--coming to you instead of paying for it. If you can discipline yourself to wait to save for something before you buy it, you will find yourself paying less money for it and earning some interest along the way.

4-Letting debt take over is allowing yourself to become indulgent

If you can't be patient for something and save up for it, you feed indulgence within yourself. Learn to distinguish between needs and wants. Do not let yourself go into debt over a want. Don't do it. Spend less than you bring in and put money in savings. 

Conclusion

I know it can be super, super hard to save for what you want. Despite my extremely frugal nature and my husband and I agreeing from the beginning we wouldn't ever go into debt for a want, we have done it from time to time in our marriage. It wasn't fun. We are in a place now where our debt is our home and that is all. It is a very nice place to be. 

Even with having the experience we have, the conversations arise of, "should we just go into debt?" Should we go into debt to get a nicer camp trailer? Should we go into debt to do an addition on our home? Should we go into debt to buy a truck? Should we go into debt to go on vacation?

Happily, these conversations always end in "no" now. It is very satisfying to have a financial goal and reach it. It is much more fun to go on vacation with money you have saved. It is fun as a family to forgo certain treats at the grocery store to help us reach our next financial goal sooner (I seriously love this for shopping with my kids. "If we buy that treat, it will make it that much longer before we can go to Disneyland"--I don't get begged at anymore!). 

If you are not living within your means, I highly encourage you to start. Start paying down that debt. Cut the things you can cut. Save what you can save. You will enjoy more peace. You will be prepared for the difficulties that surely will come. You will have less, but your heart will be more content. It is so worth it.

Be sure to go check out the other BFBN ladies today for more emergency preparedness info!

Here are some resources I have found on Pinterest that are helpful:

5 Quick & Easy Financial Tips for Couples Getting Out of Debt

4 Financial Tips for Marriage from Psalm 49

In Search of Financial Peace {5 Things I've Learned So Far}