Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine was speaking in church about the death of her father. She said that over time, the pain hadn't lessened, but she had gotten better at handling it. I clung to her statement so tightly in my mind that I basically didn't hear another word she spoke that day. It struck me as so true!

As many of you know, between Brayden and Kaitlyn, we lost a baby boy, Braxston, when I was 20 weeks pregnant (for more about this, see Miscarriage and Stillbirth). It was on this day, in the early morning hours, that I delivered him. He was a tiny little baby who looked absolutely perfect to my eyes. It has now been seven years! And it still hurts. But I am better at handling that pain. 

Last year, we started a new tradition of planting a plant in Braxston's honor. This is what we planted:

The terribly sad thing is that this beautiful plant is struggling to live right now. I guess it is fitting. Last summer was unusually harsh and hot and it really reduced this plant to a tiny thing fighting to live, despite my constant effort to keep it alive. I guess maybe my efforts kept it alive? I don't even really have a point to that--just that it is bitterly sad. I am hoping it will pull through and grow to be the beautiful plant I want it to be to remind me of my lost son--something that brings a smile to my face rather than a wrench to my stomach. I guess in a way I enjoy nurturing it and trying to will it to live. Braxston died inside of me and I don't want his plant to die under my care! 

These are the kinds of of things you cling to when you lose a child. Anything tangible. And these are the kinds of things you get irrationally upset about. 

I do have a sweet, tender mercy given to me this year. Kaitlyn is in the same grade Braxston would have been--Kindergarten. In Kaitlyn's Kindergarten class, there is a sweet boy named Braxton. He was born really close to my Braxston's due date. I think some people would encounter this situation and it would be hard for them to face. For me, it is a strength. I love this little Braxton. He is such a sweet and polite boy and I just look at him and know my Braxston would have been, too. He is good friends with Kaitlyn, and they are even in the same assigned group at school, so when I go to help in class, he is there the whole time. I have come to know his mom and his grandma actually lives on my street! I am so grateful to have him to look to in my life. 

I seem to always have a song that makes me think of Braxston, and a very likely song this year is "I Will See You Again" by Carrie Underwood. I love the message of this song.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Miscarriage/Stillbirth: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/03/miscarriage-and-stillbirth.html
• Baby Braxston
• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

Dealing With the Death of a Pet

If you read my post 7 Things Having Pets Taught Me About Parenting, you know that I love my pets and find so much value in having pets. Pets provide many fond memories and many teaching opportunities. Owning a pet, however, is not all sunshine and roses--especially when you come to that day when a pet dies.

I have had countless pets in my day. I have loved and nurtured many animals who have since gone to their graves. Really, this reality is a great learning opportunity for children. My sister and I were talking about this recently and how having pets prepared us for dealing with the reality of death in our family relationships. We learned how to cope.

This does not make the death of a pet easy, happy, nor fun. I find it especially hard as a parent--you want to do and say all of the right things. Since having children, we have now had two major pet deaths. We lost three gold fish over the years, but those are easier to manage (but a great stepping stone pet for children). We have lost two dogs.

Our first was a year and a half ago. We lost a dog to breast cancer. She a bit was over twenty years old (yes indeed--about 22--I got her in elementary school). She had even had breast cancer for several years. After removing the cancer, she just kept right going. 

Our other pet lost was last month. She was also a dog, and we also lost her to cancer (sad right? How often does a dog die from cancer and we get two???). This was bone cancer. She was only 6 and so it came as a huge shock to us.

This one was harder to deal with. She was young and it was very unexpected. It also came on very suddenly--bone cancer is very aggressive. When we found out, the vet told us she would last at most 3-6 months and only if we amputated her leg. After thought and prayer, we decided against the leg amputation. We spent about 45 dollars a week on medication to make her comfortable and watched for signs she was ready to go.

It was nice to have the time to prepare the children. Brayden, 7, and Kaitlyn, 5, understood what we meant when we told them our dog would not last much longer and that she would soon die. McKenna, 3, did not understand at all. 

When the day came that we knew it was time, we decided against telling the children we were euthenizing her. We didn't want them to know a doctor was able to take life like that. My husband scheduled the appointment during school/afternoon nap time. I had Kaitlyn go to independent play strategically. 

That evening, we buried her in our yard. We were fortunate to be able to have the burial. It really brought closure to the two older children and my husband and I. At her graveside, we all went around and shared our favorite things about our dog, and then said a prayer. For McKenna, the burial helped her realize our dog was actually gone, though she didn't understand how or why.

There were many sweet moments in association with this experience. I was crying and Kaitlyn asked me why I was sad. I told her I was sad our dog had died. She told me I didn't need to be sad; our dog was in Heaven playing fetch with Jesus. She was also excited that our dog would no longer be in pain and that she would get to play with our other dog and our lost brother. Her faith was so sweet. She then drew me a picture of our dog in Heaven chasing 20 cats.

There have been hard moments, as well. McKenna did not understand what happened and still doesn't seem to grasp it--either that or she refuses to accept it. During the burial, she asked what we were doing to her "snoozing dog." She then would come to me crying for weeks telling me she wanted her dog back. Last week, Brayden and Kaitlyn talked about getting a new dog and McKenna informed them that we already have a dog. While Brayden and Kaitlyn were able to prepare for our dogs passing, McKenna was not. She is better with time.

I remember several key deaths of certain pets in my lifetime. You have a certain bond with some pets, and when you lose those pets, it is a hard thing that stays with you forever. But through these events, I have learned to rely on my faith for comfort through the process. 

Have you lost pets in your family life? What have you found to be helpful for your children in the grieving process?