Moms- Finding Time To Grieve After The Death Of A Loved One

Moms- Finding Time To Grieve After The Death Of A Loved One. How mothers can find the time and space to grieve after the loss of a loved one.

When a loved one dies, grief can rear its ugly head at unexpected times. When you are a mom, it can be difficult to find the time to properly grieve. It can be difficult to give yourself the space that you need to mourn.

After all, your toddler and/or baby is demanding your undivided attention. Your needs as a mom often take a backseat. This can unfortunately also include your time to grieve. It is so important, however, to allow yourself the space to grieve and heal properly.

The only way to move through grief is to allow yourself to actually grieve. It takes time. Time isn't something moms have plentiful forms of. After losing my daughter, however, I had to find time to make the time.

Grief also comes in waves- unexpected at times. Things trigger emotions that otherwise wouldn't have, and it can consume you in the blink of an eye. There's no right way to grieve. There's no normal way to grieve.

There are, however, some things that can help as you navigate the waters. And, there are ways you can find the time and space that you need for you.

What To Say To a Woman Who Has Lost a Baby

What To Say To a Woman Who Has Lost a Baby that will be helpful and what not to say.

They meant well, but it still hurt. I knew people were not trying to be hurtful. I knew they were trying to be helpful. The comments hurt anyway. I wasn't offended. The comments hurt anyway. The comments also frustrated me. I wanted to emphatically explain (maybe shout, but let's stick with explain) to them why their comments made no sense and were actually terrible things to say. I kept quiet. I had enough pain inside of me without pushing away people who were trying to help me.

When you lose a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth, the pain is all-consuming. And it is lonely. You are really the only one who knew you were pregnant on a real level. The baby inside you reminded you every day. The nausea reminded you every day. The massive changes your body went through reminded you every moment of every day. For everyone else, it was easy to forget the pregnancy. 

There are certain things people commonly say to a grieving woman that are intended to be helpful, but really just bring more hurt because it highlights how alone you really are in your pain. You know just how much no one around you gets it. 

The griever knows you mean well. The griever knows you are grasping at anything you can to try to help her feel okay. Here is the revelation we all need when approaching someone grieving. You can't take the pain away. You can't say anything to make that person feel like is all okay.

And you don't need to.

You just need to love and support that person and let them know it is okay for them to be upset. It is okay to grieve. It is healthy to grieve. If you have a friend going through the pain of  a miscarriage or stillbirth, just love and support that person. Don't try to offer wisdom unless she asks for it. 

The best two things to say to someone who has lost a baby are:

1. I am so sorry.
2. I will pray for you.

You could add in things like, "I am so sorry. That totally sucks." If you can think of ways to help, you can do them. No matter the situation, whether it is the loss of a baby or for a friend who just brought home a baby, saying, "Let me know if I can do anything!" is nice, but it isn't helpful. Instead, say, "I am going to bring you dinner. Does Monday work?" or "What time does Tommy get out of preschool? I am going to pick him up for you." Think of something you can do and offer to do it. 

I noticed when I lost my baby, the people who simply said, "I am so sorry. I will be praying for you" were consistently the ones who had lost babies themselves. The ones trying to make me feel better by telling me why it was okay or what I had good in my life were the ones who had never lost a child.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage or Stillbirth

When talking about what to say, I want to be sure to highlight some major things to not say. These things pretty consistently are said because people think they are being helpful. Each year in the United States alone, about 24,000 babies are still born. Each year. That means each year, there are 24,000 women grieving that loss. When you add in miscarriages (which some estimate to be half of all pregnancies) and other fatal endings to pregnancies, the chances are high you will have a friend or family member experience the loss of a baby. Here are some things to not say:

1-At least you have other children!

I think of all the things said to me, this one bothered me the most. This is the thing I desperately wanted to tell people was not helpful. I had Brayden when I lost Braxston. Yes, it was great to have a child. In many ways, having a child to take care of helped me to pick myself up and move forward. In other ways, having a child to take care of gave me a valid reason to bury my pain and ignore it.

Here is the problem with telling someone "at least you have a child!" Each child, including the one lost, is an individual. A pregnant mother knows that. While the lost baby isn't so real to you since you weren't carrying the baby, that baby is very real to the mother. If a mom of four lost one child when the child was 10, no one would say to her, "Well, at least you have three other children!" because it is obvious that the three other children don't replace the one lost. Losing a child is losing that individual child. Having another doesn't make you think, "Ah well. No biggie about that lost one." Children aren't socks. You can replace a sock that disappears into the dryer system with a new pair of socks and move on with your life. You can't replace individual children. That exact child is gone.

2-At least you know you can get pregnant! You can get pregnant again!

All the reasons the comment above also apply here. Again, the mother just lost an individual and she knows it. There is also a new, cold fear settling into the mother. Will I ever be able to have a child again? Just because you got pregnant X number of times doesn't mean it will happen again. For me, I had one successful pregnancy and one failed. Which was my norm? I had no idea. Even if my loss had been my fifth go, I would have wondered if having another child would ever even be possible. 

3-Your baby is in Heaven now.

There can be a certain amount of comfort that can come with this, but there are some things to be aware of with this type of statement. A grieving mother starts to feel like she is unfaithful if she feels sad. You feel like your faith is weak and you are displaying that for the world to see. I shouldn't feel sad! Heaven is great! I should feel happy! Heaven is better than here! Those are thoughts that run through the mother's head. Then the mother feels guilt for feeling sad and also feels like she needs to bury her pain so people don't judge her faith. 

It is absolutely okay to grieve the loss of those we love. When Jesus went to Lazarus, to raise him from the dead, he wept first. "Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandments" (Russell M. Nelson).

When a mother is grieving, it is an expression of her pure love for that baby. Don't try to talk her out of her grief. 

4-Sometimes life is hard and it is supposed to be that way.

I know when you read that you will think, "Well, duh! That is a horrible thing to say to someone! No one would actually say that." But they do! I had it said to me and I personally witnessed it said to a friend of mine when she lost her two month old to SIDS. This is the type of statement people say when they are desperately clawing for something to say to comfort people. That is why I said above, don't try to make people feel better. You will likely say something that you just shouldn't say and wouldn't if you were thinking rationally.

5-Here is a story about someone who had or has it worse than you do.

People like to offer stories of their friends, sisters, sister-in-law who went through this very difficult like experience to try to make the grieving person feel grateful their challenge isn't worse. That doesn't help. It minimizes the very real pain they are experiencing. No, I didn't just lose four of my children in a car accident like that poor woman, but that doesn't mean my pain right now isn't very real for me.

6-Inquiries of what happened to cause it.

Every single mother who has ever lost a baby has blamed herself for it. We all come to a conclusion for what caused the death of the baby. The reasons we come to are typically ridiculous because we typically did absolutely nothing to cause it. My own reason I landed on? I had driven the car while stressed. Other reasons I have heard? "I was cleaning." "I got a cold." These are legitimate, real reasons women decide caused their miscarriage or stillbirth and they blame themselves forever for it. It makes no rational sense, yet they believe it. 

A grieving mother does not need anything else pushing the idea that she did something to cause the death of her baby. Even if you don't mean it at all, the mother will blame herself more if it feels like others are suggesting she contributed to the loss. I was fortunate to have a doctor who quickly and immediately made sure I knew I did not cause it, but not all women have this.

Conclusion

I was the first of my close friends to ever lose a baby. I had these things said to me. I knew they came from a place of love. They still were not helpful. I found it interesting over the years the number of apologies I got from those friends as they moved through life and lost babies themselves. Years later I would get the random email apologizing to me for saying one of these 6 things I listed above. The friend just lost a baby herself and now realized how hard it was to hear those things. I think that highlights just how hard these things really are to hear. A woman, years later, would realize she had said the same things and apologize for saying them because she had experience in what it felt like to have them said.

I know lists of "what not to say" can be hard to read if you have said them before. I know they can bring about paranoia in people because they worry about ever saying anything to anyone because they worry about saying the wrong thing. I think it is important to get the message out there to people that, though well-intended, these statements aren't actually helpful (and this is true for any tragedy...I have had friends go through cancer who have talked about the same types of things being hard to hear from people). If you have said these things from a place of love, your friend or loved one knows where it came from. 

If you haven't said them yet, don't. Always remember to focus on "I am so sorry. That sucks. I am praying for you." Love, support, help, and never try to fix. 

Related Posts on Baby Loss:

• Miscarriage/Stillbirth
• Baby Braxston
• Allow Grief to Be Felt
• Heartbreaking Sorrow Strengthens Us
• I Remember Him Still
• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
• Processing Pain of Child Loss
• Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It
• Stillbirth: Still Painful 9 Years Later
• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

I Remember Him Still

I think of him every single day. Some people raise their eyebrows in surprise when they hear that. But any parent only needs to ponder it for a moment and imagine themselves in that position. Then they understand. They realize they would, too. It isn't just once each day, like it pops in my head at some point each day. It is throughout each day. Every day.

I think of him as continuously as I think of any of my other children. Because he is mine. Today marks 11 years since I lost my baby Braxston. He was stillborn. Each year on his "birthday," I write about him. Often times I write something in an effort to be helpful about this type of process. 

Allow Grief to Be Felt. Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It. Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday. Other times, I haven't been able to say much more than I am hurting (Stillbirth: Still Painful 9 Years Later). 

This year, I just want to say that he was. And he is. 

He was and is my baby. He was and is a brother. He was and is a part of our family. Throughout each year, I report on what is going on with each of my children. Each of them except one.

He was and is a part of our daily conversation at our house. I don't think a day goes by that we don't talk about Braxston in some way. The children will also tell anyone and everyone about him. "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" is a questions Brinley is often asked. "I have two sisters and one brother. I also have a brother who died" is the theme of her response each time. That usually draws a startled look from the inquirer. 

He was and he is.

We talk about him. We don't tiptoe around him. 

Each year, to celebrate his birthday in a happy way, we go to the cemetery and bring flowers. Sometimes we bring a toy. We then grab pizza and go to the best park in the valley. It isn't close to our home so we don't go often. It is Braxton's park. It is where we have fun together to remember him. 

This year, McKenna and I bought the flowers. She wanted tulips, and they had to be white because he is with the angels. The cashier commented on how beautiful they are and asked what they are for. "They are for our brother. He died" McKenna replied cheerfully. The cashier searched for something to say, and I simply smiled kindly at her. It is okay. 

He was and he is. 

He is. 

And he will be. Forever. 

Are you wondering what to say to someone who has lost as baby and what not to say? Read this post for tips. 

Processing Pain of Child Loss

This is me walking Brayden with our little Braxston in my tummy

I didn't want any sort of medication at all. I didn't want to block whatever pain would come. I wanted to feel it. I needed to feel it. I needed to have this last physical connection with my son. In the end, it didn't really hurt much. Or at all. If delivering my stillborn baby at 20 weeks hurt physically, it was greatly masked by the pain I felt emotionally. 

It has been ten years. An entire decade. It was ten years ago that we lost this sweet boy. You might think that after ten years it would be something that I rarely thought of...that is incorrect. I think of him throughout each and every day of each and every year. The pain is not as raw as it was ten years ago. But it is Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It. 

I love this quote I saw online recently: 

I love this quote because it is true for me. I love to talk about my baby boy. I want him to be just as natural of a part of my conversation as any of my children. This desire isn't true for everyone who has lost a child. Not everyone loves talking about it. And that is okay. People are allowed to feel and process experiences differently from each other. We do need to Allow Grief to Be Felt. We can't pretend it didn't happen, even if we don't want to talk about it with every person we meet.

That is an interesting concept I have come to understand over the years--we are all unique. We all process even very similar experiences differently from each other. Even when have had similar experiences, we don't all feel the same. We don't all want the same things. We do not know how other people feel. We never know. 

The only one who does know is Jesus Christ. Through the power of the Atonement, He knows precisely how each of us feels in any given situation because He lived it. He felt it. He experienced it. And He knows how each of us feels. 

When you are hurting, turn to Him. He can succor you. When your friend is hurting, turn to Him. He can help you know how to succor your friend. We will all experience sorrow that we feel will break us. This is part of life. The good news is that Heartbreaking Sorrow Strengthens Us. The bad news is that strengthening time just basically sucks. But again, He can succor us. 

Something I hope to accomplish in my life through this experience is helping others in similar situations. Whether that is me directly helping those around me who feel this pain or if it is one of you reading my words and then helping respond the way a friend needs you to respond, I hope to help inspire people to respond in the best way possible for each person. I hope to help ease the pain, even if just a little bit. I hope to bring hope and love to those who have this heartbreak. 

Process the pain, and do it in your own way. Pray for help, through the power of the Atonement. Even if you haven't been a person who prays in life, I promise if you pray for this help through this power, you will have this prayer answered. All you need to do is ask. 

See Also:

• Miscarriage and Stillbirth
• Baby Braxston
• Stillbirth: Still Painful 9 Years Later
• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

Laurelbox {Giveaway}

This post is in partnership with Larelbox. I received a Larelbox to try in preparation for this post. All opinions are my own. 

In life, we often go through difficult times. As friends and family members, when we see someone going through a hard time, we want to do something to show love, care, and concern, but sometimes we can't think of what to do or get. Enter Laurelbox (www.laurelbox.com).

I love the idea of this company. When someone has a miscarriage or stillborn baby, people are often at a loss of what to do for that person. The Larelbox is a touching way to do something for that woman. When you lose a child in that way, you don't have a lot to hold on to to remember that child by. Something like this will give the woman something to hold on to--something to look at to remember her little one by.

They also offer boxes for difficult seasons, baby or child loss, infertility, foster families, spouse loss, and family member loss. You can also create your own box. They even ship internationally!

The ladies of Laurelbox sent me a box in honor of Braxston. I loved it and wanted to let you all know about this company and they offered to do a giveaway. 

The winner of the giveaway will get a personalized Laurelbox. You can use it as a gift for someone you know or for yourself to nourish your own heart. 

You will get your choice of one forget me not or infinity necklace (in gold or silver), choice of herbal tea, choice of a tea towel, and a seed plantable paper.

They are also offering a 10% discount to all of you. Use the code CBWMom. This code will expire July 3, 2015.

Enter below:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

ENTRY RULES 

• You must enter the giveaway to have an entry.

• You must fulfill the rules of each entry for each entry to count. If I see the entry is not valid (did not meet entry requirements), I will disqualify your entry. Trust me, I check each winning entry to make sure it was valid.

• Entries will be accepted until 12:00 midnight June 26, 2015.

• The winner will be randomly selected through Rafflecopter.

• The winner will be announced sometime after the winner is chosen. I will email the winner.

• Once the winner is announced, you will have one week to contact me or another winner will be chosen. Be sure to check back and/or check your email. The only thing worse than not winning is to win but not realize it in time.

• I will not use your email address for any purpose other than contacting you if you are the winner (and FYI, I don't have access to the email addresses except for the winner's).

Stillbirth: Still Painful 9 Years Later

9 years ago, I delivered our second child, stillborn, at 20 weeks. It was a little boy we named Braxston. You can read more about it here: Baby Braxston and Miscarriage and Stillbirth. I have been trying to decide what to write on really for months. Posting about the topic has become part of my tradition in recent years (see more on Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday here). I have been blank.

Two years ago, I wrote about how the pain doesn't lessen, you just get better at handling that pain (see Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It). You learn to manage it. You learn to live with the pain that is always there in the background. Even so, I am blank. 

I am blank because it feels too painful to me right now. The pain management is raw right now. I don't know why. It has been 9 years! Shouldn't it be a dull memory by now? It isn't. And in all honesty, even though I think we should Allow Grief to Be Felt, a lot of times my way of dealing with the pain is to not allow myself to dwell on it. Don't get me wrong, I think about him throughout each and every day, even 9 years later. He is my son. But I don't allow myself to feel that pain. I push it aside. Most of the time. It is hard to do that at this time of year. I reflect back on my excitement 9 years ago at knowing I would soon find out if I was having a boy or girl. I had no idea what was coming. 

I have moments where I wander down the path of what if. What if he hadn't died? What would life be like for us? How would life be for Brayden to have a brother only 14 months younger than he is? I know the Lord knows all. I trust in Him. But I still wonder sometimes.

It still hurts. Some days are hard and some days are full of optimism about the whole situation. The hardest days are the days of significance. The day you found out. The day the baby was born. The day that was supposed to be the due date. The day you found out you were even pregnant. These are really some of the only things you have to "hold on" to that represent your child. I am fortunate that I do have some pictures and other mementos, but not all people do. 

If you, too, have lost a baby, I think it is normal to still be sad at times (I hope so!). I do find it comforting to write about it (I actually feel better already). Try it yourself (you can write in a journal--let it all out). 

If you haven't ever lost a baby, please don't expect people to "get over it." How can you get over something like that? Allow people to grieve in their own way. Allow people to be comforted in their own way. Respect their individual needs. Some like to talk about it and some do not. Everyone is different. 

Heartbreaking Sorrow Strengthens Us

image source

October is officially National Pregnancy Baby Loss Awareness Month in the United States. I typically only write on the topic in April since that is when I lost my baby boy, but I felt compelled to write this month as well.

Losing a baby is nothing short of heart breaking. Soul breaking. It really just kills you. As a mother, you wonder what you did wrong to cause this to happen. I know moms who still blame themselves 20 plus years later. We women are hard on ourselves and when it comes to protecting our children, we have a hard time ever forgiving ourselves even if there was nothing we could have done to cause the problem or to prevent the problem. 

I remember when we lost our baby boy, my husband commented that he felt like someday, we would know why it had happened, but that we wouldn't know for a while. I can think of lots of reasons the experience has strengthened me, but I do feel like the greater purpose of it all is still unknown to me. 

I also remember the utter fear I had while pregnant with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn came after our baby Braxston. She is my rainbow baby. I feared for her life in earnest for many years after she was born. I spent her newborn months positive she would die at any moment. I spend several years of her life with every fever sure it meant she was about to die. 

When I was pregnant with Katilyn, my amazing doctor was kind enough to do an ultrasound on me any time I wanted to. I could walk on in and he would do it. In the early weeks, he monitored me weekly. One week I went in and Kaitlyn hadn't grown at all in the last week. That is a bad thing. I went home a complete mess. I prayed to the Lord and let Him know I was not strong enough to experience the loss of another baby. I don't think anyone is strong enough for one loss of a baby. My heart aches for mothers who lose baby after baby. The strength they possess is nothing short of a miracle. It is only through the Lord that we can make it through these times. To finish my story, when I went in the next week, Kaitlyn had doubled in size from the previous week. She did two weeks of growing in one. Obviously she made it through (though she had a rough start to life. She went to the NICU shortly after being born. It seriously shot my nerves). 

I love this quote:

"...there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."

-Thomas S. Monson-President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Times of trial and difficulty usually result in one of two ways--you either become stronger in your faith or bitter in your faith. I pray you will turn to the Lord. I pray you will allow this sorrow to strengthen you rather than tear you down. With the Lord, you can do it. 

October 15 is a day set aside for grieving parents to come together. At 7 PM in your time zone, you light a candle and leave it burning for one hour. The idea is that if everyone does this, a wave of light goes around the Earth. See http://www.october15th.com/ for more. I love this because I think it is important for us to speak of and support those who have lost a baby.

See Also:

• Baby Braxston

• Miscarriage and Stillbirth

• Allow Grief to Be Felt

• Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It

• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Allow Grief to Be Felt

As we face the difficulties of life, I think we tend to think we need to face them without emotion. We have led ourselves and each other to believe that if we are sad about something bad happening, it means we lack faith. We unwittingly pass this mentatlity on to each other as we say things like, "At least he is in a better place now" or "You know you will see her again" to each other. These comments are meant to console those grieving, but it carries the message that with the proper perspective, there is nothing to be sad about.

We need to allow ourselves and each other to grieve. 

I don't just mean for the extreme situations in life. Not just very hard illnesses or death. No. Any sort of grief we encounter in life should be dealt with--and I mean felt.

Grief hurts, but it can be the salve that helps us heal when it is allowed to do its work appropriately. The first step in handling grief is to recognize that the pain is a normal part of the process. It needs to be acknowledged, not avoided. Steven Eastmond

As I approach the anniversary of my baby Braxston's death, this is the message I wanted to share this year. 

Do you know what is very normal? To be upset when something bad or sad happens. It is normal to feel the emotions that come with it. I got thinking, the experiences we go through are what shape us into the people we become. If we suppress the feelings associated with these experiences, then we suppress the growth we can experience when we allow ourselves to go through the grieving process.

I decided to do some searching on this idea. I found some gems that say things better than I.

 I have learned that grief is the price we pay for loving someone—and that the price is worth it.   Steven Eastmond

At first, I felt that my grief meant I lacked faith. But with time, I understood that grief was a normal, healthy response to my son’s illness. In God’s plan for me, grief was a refining fire that transformed my love for others, my perspective on life’s challenges, and my faith in Heavenly Father. ASHLEY ISAACSON WOOLLEY

Elder Lance B. Wickman, an emeritus member of the Seventy, explained: “Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning

When I turned to the scriptures for comfort, I learned that grief is a godlike attribute that goes hand in hand with love. Jesus grieved alongside Mary and Martha at Lazarus’s death (see John 11:33–36). Isaiah said that the Savior would be “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). God wept as He spoke to Enoch about the wickedness of the world and judgments to come on His beloved children ASHLEY ISAACSON WOOLLEY

 In my observation, grief can change our nature if we let it turn us to the Savior. ASHLEY ISAACSON WOOLLEY

And grieving over my old expectations for my son’s life allowed me to let go of them, freeing me to see my son as a beautiful child of God with an eternal destiny, regardless of the imperfections in his physical body. ASHLEY ISAACSON WOOLLEY

No matter your challenge in life, do not try to suffocate the grief you feel over it in fear that it shows a weakness in your faith. Allow that grief to be felt and you will be able to learn from the experience what you need to. As you grieve, continue to pray and to stay close to the Lord. But it is okay to feel sad and to feel whatever emotions you are feeling with grief.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Miscarriage/Stillbirth: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/03/miscarriage-and-stillbirth.html
• Baby Braxston
• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

• Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It

Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine was speaking in church about the death of her father. She said that over time, the pain hadn't lessened, but she had gotten better at handling it. I clung to her statement so tightly in my mind that I basically didn't hear another word she spoke that day. It struck me as so true!

As many of you know, between Brayden and Kaitlyn, we lost a baby boy, Braxston, when I was 20 weeks pregnant (for more about this, see Miscarriage and Stillbirth). It was on this day, in the early morning hours, that I delivered him. He was a tiny little baby who looked absolutely perfect to my eyes. It has now been seven years! And it still hurts. But I am better at handling that pain. 

Last year, we started a new tradition of planting a plant in Braxston's honor. This is what we planted:

The terribly sad thing is that this beautiful plant is struggling to live right now. I guess it is fitting. Last summer was unusually harsh and hot and it really reduced this plant to a tiny thing fighting to live, despite my constant effort to keep it alive. I guess maybe my efforts kept it alive? I don't even really have a point to that--just that it is bitterly sad. I am hoping it will pull through and grow to be the beautiful plant I want it to be to remind me of my lost son--something that brings a smile to my face rather than a wrench to my stomach. I guess in a way I enjoy nurturing it and trying to will it to live. Braxston died inside of me and I don't want his plant to die under my care! 

These are the kinds of of things you cling to when you lose a child. Anything tangible. And these are the kinds of things you get irrationally upset about. 

I do have a sweet, tender mercy given to me this year. Kaitlyn is in the same grade Braxston would have been--Kindergarten. In Kaitlyn's Kindergarten class, there is a sweet boy named Braxton. He was born really close to my Braxston's due date. I think some people would encounter this situation and it would be hard for them to face. For me, it is a strength. I love this little Braxton. He is such a sweet and polite boy and I just look at him and know my Braxston would have been, too. He is good friends with Kaitlyn, and they are even in the same assigned group at school, so when I go to help in class, he is there the whole time. I have come to know his mom and his grandma actually lives on my street! I am so grateful to have him to look to in my life. 

I seem to always have a song that makes me think of Braxston, and a very likely song this year is "I Will See You Again" by Carrie Underwood. I love the message of this song.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Miscarriage/Stillbirth: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/03/miscarriage-and-stillbirth.html
• Baby Braxston
• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

Index: Miscarriage/Stillbirth

• Miscarriage/Stillbirth
• Baby Braxston
• Allow Grief to Be Felt
• Heartbreaking Sorrow Strengthens Us
• I Remember Him Still
• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
• Processing Pain of Child Loss
• Not Less Painful--Just Better At Handling It
• Stillbirth: Still Painful 9 Years Later
• Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday
• What to Say to a Woman Who Has Lost Her Baby

Traditions for Lost Child's Birthday

Yesterday (as I write this) was Braxston's birthday. (see Baby Braxston and Miscarriage and Stillbirth).  Each year, we have our set traditions of what we do to remember him and celebrate his birthday. We want the kids to remember him, but we also want it to be more of a celebration than a day of sadness.

We start by going to the store and choosing flowers to take to the cemetery. We then go visit the cemetery and take some photos.

Next, we go get some pizza and head to a park. We go to a park that is not in our town, so it is a special treat. We eat and play until it is time to come home.

We come home and look at his scrapbook I made and his box of remembrance given to us at the hospital after I delivered him.

This year, we added a tradition. We decided to get something to plant in our yard to remember Braxston. This year, we got a beautiful blue perennial flower called Lithodora. 

I was thinking about our traditions and thought I would share and see what you all do to remember your lost little ones? I would love to hear!

See Also:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In all 50 states in the US, October 15 is recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This has been spreading around the world also.

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan ProclaimedOctober as National Pregnancy and Infant LossAwareness Month. "When a child loses his parent, theyare called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or hispartner, they are called a widow or widower. Whenparents lose their child, there isn't a word to describethem. This month recognizes the loss so many parentsexperience across the United States and around theworld. It is also meant to inform and provide resourcesfor parents who have lost children due to miscarriage,ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birthdefects, SIDS, and other causes." http://www.causes.com/causes/257846-october-15th-worldwide-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-remembrance-day-miscarriage-stillbirth-sids/about

On October 15 at 7 PM in your time zone, you can participate by lighting a candle and leaving it lit for one hour. 

What a great way for those who have experience loss to come together! Many of you know about my story in losing a baby: Miscarriage and Stillbirth. 

Here are some resources for you for more information on this day. 

The founder's website: http://www.october15th.com/

The Facebook page: http://www.causes.com/causes/257846-october-15th-worldwide-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-remembrance-day-miscarriage-stillbirth-sids

Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/october15th

and a YouTube video:

Baby Braxston

Today marks 5 years since we lost our little Braxston (for more about this, see Miscarriage and Stillbirth). I still think about him throughout each and every day. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about the little boy we lost.

I remember that day. It was actually the middle of the night when he was "born." My husband and I were able to hold him. He looked absolutely perfect. He looked like a small baby. This amazing group called Share Parents came and took pictures of him and pictures of us holding him. When we looked at the pictures later, we were both surprised to see that he didn't actually look as perfect as we thought he did in the moment. We knew the Lord had blessed us to be able to see our son in a perfect light.

What a blessing to be a mom to such a valiant spirit. I am overwhelmed at the trust of the Lord in me to do that, and I hope I can be worthy of that trust. I love my Braxston just as I love my other three children. I pray for him as I do for them. 

Today, I will cry a little (let's be honest; I am crying right now). I will look through his scrapbook I made for him with my family. I will look through his memory box Share Parents made for us. We will go buy some flowers and take them to the cemetery. We will buy some pizza and go to a park by the cemetery and have some fun in memory of Braxston. 

Until we meet again Braxston. We love you.

***Last fall, my dear friend, Kelli, lost a baby girl. She is a fabulous writer and wrote the perfect poem for this situation. With her permission, I link you to it: Still.***

Miscarriage and Stillbirth

I read the other day that statistically one in every six pregnancies ends in miscarriage, which is about 16%. Other statistics say more like 20%. Of course, these are just numbers based on women who know. Many women have miscarriages before they ever even know they are pregnant. But for the purpose of this post, we will just focus on those who know they have lost a baby.

Miscarriage is the loss of the baby prior to 20 weeks. Stillbirth is after the 20 week mark. Statistics on stillbirth range from about one in every 150 to one in every 200 pregnancies.

In April of 2006, we had a stillbirth. Our son, Braxston, died in utero. I was exactly 20 weeks along.

Braxston was a total surprise pregnancy. Brayden, my only child at the time, was only 6 months old when I got pregnant with Braxston. If you have read my blog, you know my idea is you can either laugh or cry at situations, and I prefer to laugh. I knew that children 14 months apart would be quite the challenge, but I wanted my reaction to our new baby to be happiness rather than sorrow. We were excited.

And I was exhausted. Brayden was a busy, busy little baby. I was a very tired mom. My husband was working and finishing up his degree and was gone from before we woke up in the morning until just before Brayden's bedtime. I did nothing beyond normal things around the house and taking care of Brayden. Even so, we were excited.

I don't think many people ever think they will lose a baby. I have a friend who is always ready for it because her mom lost a lot of babies, so a family history might have you thinking about it. But I never even imagined it would happen to me.

We went in for our 20 week ultrasound where we would find out the gender of our baby. The girl started looking around, then said she needed to go get my doctor because the baby was small. I was excited to see my doctor. He came in and asked how I was, then followed up with, "Probably not very good if you are seeing me, right?"

"Huh?" I replied. Then I noticed he was in his scrubs. They had pulled him out of surgery to come talk to me.

I started wondering what was wrong with my baby, but didn't think it would be death.

My doctor broke the news, and my husband, doctor, and I all cried (he is the best doctor--and now in North Carolina if you are there and looking for an OBGYN).

We went home, numb. I was going to deliver Braxston that night, but I wanted to wait until Brayden had gone to bed first. So we went home and put him to bed, then left for the hospital. There, I delievered our baby boy. We were able to hold him and take photos. His little body looked absolutely perfect to us.

It has almost been four years since we lost him. The pain is still there. The loss is still there. I think about him throughout every single day. I don't think an hour passes by without me thinking about him. And of course not. He is my child.

The sharp pain does lessen over time. I have had the most amazing, spiritual experiences of my life in connection with this loss. I miss my boy, but I continue to learn what the Lord wanted me to learn from this experience, and I think of my son with a fondness.

Everything is not perfect. I have troubles stemming from this loss. Nearly a year later, I delivered Kaitlyn. They unknowingly first put me in the room I had delivered Braxston in. I told them I could not be in there. They said it was the only room available, but just then another room opened up and I was moved. But I had a panic attack. I was so scared of losing another baby. Then they put Kaitlyn in the NICU, which of course was terrifying for me. She ended up having no problems at all. With McKenna, I had a small panic attack during her delivery, as well.

I have realized that there are a lot of women out there who have lost babies, and we don't talk about it enough. Only a woman who has experienced it can truly know what you are going through (of course aside from Jesus Christ). I understand why we don't talk about it; other people just don't get it. Even my mom at the time commented on how it was a strange situation because she didn't feel the loss like I did. No one did.

As I share this experience with people, I am always amazed that at least half of the women I tell have experienced a miscarriage or even a stillbirth. It is a wonderful thing to discover! We can talk about our babies together!

I share this with you to let you know you are not alone. I want you to know that it is a hard and painful experience. It is my opinion that the loss of a child is the most painful emotion you can ever have.

I also want you to know that it will get better. Give yourself time to grieve. I think a miscarriage or stillbirth is hard because most of the time, other people really have no idea what you are going through. It almost feels like you need to grieve on your own because you are the only one who feels a real loss. Take the time you need to grieve your loss.

People will say lots of insensitive comments. "At least you can have another child" is one of the worst. Try to take the comment in the spirit it was intended. People have no idea what to say and they want to say something. They are trying to be helpful. To anyone who knows someone experiencing this, the best thing you can say is essentially, "I am so sorry." The mother doesn't need to hear she can get pregnant again or anything like that. She just needs to feel support and feel love. That is the best thing you can do. Children aren't like cars. You can't just replace a child. Once the child is gone, he is gone.

I hope you will pray and turn to the Lord at this time. He can and will help you through this.

Be honest with yourself and others about how you are feeling. You will come to know some comfort and peace.

We have come a long way. I know a woman who lost a baby in the 70s. They put her to sleep to deliver. When she woke up she asked about her baby. The doctor responded, "what baby?" Oh that poor woman.

I think we can continue to progress in this area by talking about it as we need to. The pain is real. There is no reason to cover it up and keep it a secret. Perhaps we do that because it is so raw and so painful. But we can gain strength from each other. We can bear each other's burdens.

I am so sorry you have had to experience something like this. I know it has made me a better person. I have gained and developed many qualities I wouldn't have otherwise. I know Braxston is my son, and I love him dearly. Having him in my life is something that has taught me much. Through our greatest trials, we are refined the most. Hang in there as best you can. You can come out stronger, too.

"Faith makes the discords of the present the harmonies of the future." -Robert Collier