Showing posts with label Shepherding a Child's Heart. Show all posts
Selfishness and Rebellion Are Not Outgrown
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I don't think many of us reading this post are the type to think that they can ignore behavior and some day the child with "outgrow" it. I often get questions in person from people of "At what age will my child stop doing XYZ?" This is always in reference to some discipline issue. My response is always the same. I tell people the child will stop doing it when the parent requires the child to stop.
Of course certain things are within reason and natural tenancies of age groups. Toddlers are very self-oriented and require the developmental milestone of growing to think of others (typically starting around age three). Once the child is capable, however, of learning to think of others and develop sympathy and empathy, these desirable qualities will not be developed without effort.
People don't "grow out" of undesirable qualities. They are either taught to live another way, with much effort and practice put into doing so, or they learn "the hard way" through "life's" lessons. A lot of heartache can be saved if we help our children to learn virtues through means other than hard trials in life. Doing so will not eradicate trials from life--trials happen even to the best of people. We all know that. Doing so will simply allow for further growth because the trials will be improving and building on the sympathy, rather than simply teaching it.
Mistakes with Shaping Influences
Shepherding a Child's Heart talks about six influences that shape a child's life discussed in chapter two: Structure of Family Life, Family Values, Family Roles, Family Conflict Resolution, Family Response to Failure, and Family History. Each of these things impact who a child is.
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Tedd Tripp gives parents two warnings, however, when thinking about shaping influences: Determinist and denial.
First, denial because that is short and simple. Denial is believing a child is unaffected by early childhood. Life experience impacts you. That needs to be accepted and worked with.
Next is the determinist. Seeing influences deterministically means you believe "...the child is a helpless victim of the circumstances in which he was raised" (page 15). I really love Tripp's advice on this topic. This determism can impact in two ways: one, you make excuses for a person because of the child-rearing and expect less of that person. Two is that you mistakenly think that you can single-handedly control the influences in your child's life so that all shaping influences will be positive.
"You make a grave mistake if you conclude that childrearing is nothing more than providing the best possible shaping influences for your children" (page 15). He then goes on to talk about how many Christian parents think they can do this by sending to the right Christian school or by homeschooling and provide the best possible childhood and the child will turn out okay. He points out "Children are never passive receivers of shaping. Rather, they are active responders" (page 16) and "...the outcome is more complex than whether you have done the right things in the right way. Your children are responsible for the way they respond to your parenting" (page 16).
I know several older people with grandchildren that I greatly respect. Some have children who have turned out amazing. They will also have children who have strayed from what their parents have taught them. No matter what the parent does, the child always has the ability to choose his or her own path. Hearing women with children who have strayed talk, I know it is a painful thing for them to watch. I know it wrenches their souls. And I know that it can happen to any parent.
Of course, there are a lot of things you can do. You can do your very best. And that is it. After that, it is your child's decision. Life experience does have a huge impact, and knowing the past experiences can help us know better how to handle current experiences.
A huge influence in how a child turns out is the child's heart--the moral compass--the child's values. Shaping influences are important, but they are not it. You can't just control environment and call it good. There needs to be heart training. And even after all you do, your child will still be a person who can choose for himself his course in life.
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Shaping Influence: Family Life
Now, of course we are not simply the products of what happened to us in life. We are stronger than that--or at least we have the potential to be stronger than that. It isn't what happens to us that shapes us so much as how we react to those actions. We are the masters of our own destiny.
As conscientious parents, however, we want to do our best to help our child have the best shaping influences in life, or to at least know how the shaping influences in our child's life will potentially impact him.
The first is Family Life. What kind of family environment does the child have? Are grandparents in the life of the child? Great-grandparents? Aunts, uncles, and cousins? How are the roles of the parents structured in the home?
Another impact (a huge one) is siblings. Are there siblings? How many? What is the birth order of the child? How do the personalities of the children mesh?
All of these things will have an impact on your child. These situations--this family life structure--will shape and mold your child. The reason birth order is so interesting to study is because the tendencies are typically true. Oldest children tend to be bossy, but good leaders. Middle children tend to be peacemakers, but sometimes walked on. Youngest children tend to be the funny ones, but have a laid back personality.
Knowing these quirks can help us as parents. For example, knowing that Brayden is an oldest helps me understand some natural tendencies of that birth order. I know he will naturally lean toward bossiness. We want to help him learn to quiet that bossiness without suffocating the ability to be a good leader. Kaitlyn is the middle child peacemaker. We want to teach her to not always try to please others (in other words, not being a follower to a fault) while still maintaining such a fabulous quality of keeping peace around her.
It is also worthwhile to know the impact of older generations on children. Grandparents are a great resource for our children. They are fun. The other day, Kaitlyn told me she wanted to skip being a mom and just be a Grandma. Even a four year old can recognize that being a Grandma is lots of fun, and she recognizes that grandmas bring her joy. In our global world, however, many people find themselves living far distances from Grandparents. It takes work and effort to maintain a relationship from a distance, but it is worth that effort to preserve the influence of grandparents on our children.
Knowing what influence our family life situation can have on our children can help us to know how to teach our children to best respond to these situations. An ideal situation might be both parents in the picture, but there are plenty of single parents out there who raise amazing children all on their own. They have put the effort and time into helping their children respond and thrive in their situation. We call and should all do the same.
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Behavior and the Heart
, page 4). When you have an undesirable behavior in your child, it is vitally important to examine his heart while trying to solve the behavioral issue. You don't simply want to stop behavior; you want to change the motivation in the heart.
I think it is necessary to analyze the heart even if something is a first-time offense. I remember the very first time Brayden was physically aggressive toward Kaitlyn. She wasn't hurt, and it was his first time. This was not a moment I let slip by. Brayden and I had a long heart-to-heart conversation in private. We talked about the seriousness of what he had done and why he had done it. Even though it was his first time, to me it meant something was wrong inside. Something deeper needed to be addressed.
I really like the example Tedd Tripp gives in his book. He talks about sharing (pages 5-6). He says many parents solve a fight over a toy by asking who had it first. He points out how this is simply addressing a behavioral issue, not a heart issue.
In the sharing scenario, this is the way it typically goes. One child wants something another child has. Mom gives the toy back to the child who originally had it, while the original thief typically mopes until it is his turn for the toy. Then he gets it, and the original child now mopes. Does it seem like this is teaching the children's hearts? Most definitely not, and the main way you can tell is that in 15 minutes, the same fight will break out over something else. And it will still be repeating 15 days from now. That is clue number one to you as a parent that "who had it first" and "in five minutes, you can have a turn" strategies are not being effective. Without change, there was no discipline.
We want to get to the heart. Tedd Tripp says both children in such a scenario are being selfish. I have to agree and yet disagree. Sure, child number one is selfishly wanting to continue to play with the toy she was playing with. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say that a child who is upset that her toy was taken suddenly is "sinning." I don't even blame the child one bit for being upset. Anyone, child or adult, gets frustrated when someone does something unkind to them. Children show frustration by crying.
If, however, the child who wanted the toy asked nicely and reasonably (asking for the toy when the child was done, not asking and expecting it immediately), and the original child refused to share, then yes, we have a heart issue with the child who originally had the toy.
But here is the point to take from the example. Don't get caught up in "band-aid" solutions to behavior. Band-aid solutions only mask the problem--they don't solve it. You know you are using band-aid solutions do not change behavior. They are short-term fixes for behavior.
So how do you get to the heart of the issue? It requires some analyzing. I realize this comes easier to some than others. My husband is not very adept at analyzing. It actually isn't something he ever did until he married me :). I am a huge analyzer and I am always trying to get to the root of the motivation behind behavior. Motivation is what ultimately matters to me, not the actual action.
Tedd Tripp obviously discusses how to get to the heart in his book Shepherding a Child's Heart. We will discuss some of these strategies over time.
. We will discuss some of these strategies over time. Here is my basic process for analyzing behavior. These are just my ideas. Nothing has been studied to prove this process works. I just know it works for me and my children:
- What did the person do? What was the action--the actual offense?
- Why might the person have done that? What did the person have to gain? This is a time to practice empathy and the ability to see things from the perspective of the other person. You might consider "if I did X, it would mean Y" as you analyze, but don't let what your motivation would be answer the question for you. You are not that person.
- Once I have some ideas in my head, it is time to talk to the person. It is time to ask questions. Why did you do that? Why did you think it was okay to hit your sister? What did you think it would get you? If the person has no clue, offer some of your ideas and see if any of your ideas are the reason.
- Now it is time to get that person to use empathy. "How do you think your sister felt when you hit her?" "Would you like it if she hit you?"
- Now some logic, "Do you think hitting her helped you get what you wanted?" No? What could you have done differently?
- You also need to address the motivation behind the action. Did he hit because he was frustrated with her? Looks like some work on self-control and patience is needed. Did he hit because she wouldn't do what he said? Sounds like some discussion on bossiness and taking turns is in store.
- Next is when you apply consequence, and now you can do so appropriately. Rather than simply addressing the hitting ("Now you can't play together for the rest of the day") you are also addressing the flaw in the character. You can work on teaching patience, kindness, love, etc. This is what will really end not only that specific undesirable behavior, but any other similar undesirable behavior that would stem from that weakness.
You can use this process for really anything. Whining, back-talking, getting out of bed, lying, etc. Changing hearts changes behavior. And most importantly, it puts your child's heart where you want it to be.
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Parental Authority
in the introduction.He starts off by pointing out some parents don't actually want to be parents (they do it because they "should") and some parents think quality time is good enough (it isn't).
Some of these parents, along with others who love being parents and spend lots of quantity time with their children, "live in mortal fear of adolescence. Parents of teens continually remind them their day is coming" (page xviii). Sidebar, I remember when I was 11-12 and people would ask me constantly if I was going to be a good teenager or not. Or they would comment on what a great teenager they thought I would be. I mean, constantly. I was so confused by it all. Why wouldn't I be a good teenager? And I think I was an awesome teenager, for the record.
We don't need to fear "the teenage years." The trick is figuring out the right balance for authority. We should be kind. We should look to Christ as the ultimate example of how to be an authority. Christ served those he was in authority over, and He was willing to lay His life down.
We, as parents, have a charge to be an authority for our own children. Now for one of my favorite points in the entire book:
"You must require obedience of your children because they are called by God to obey and honor you. You must exercise authority, not as a cruel taskmaster, but as one who truly loves them" (page xx).
I had never thought of teaching children to obey in that light before. Teach them to obey because they are commanded to obey. I think that is a great thing to keep in mind as we are training our children.
We will talk more about this idea of you having authority later as we discuss this book. For now, focus on the idea of you having authority over your children and looking to the ultimate example of that. Lead like Christ lead. Also, teach your children to obey in order to help them fulfill their commandments. Let's parent by love, not fear.
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Externals vs. Internals
, Tedd Trip says "Parents tend to focus on the externals of behavior rather than the internal overflow of the heart. We tend to worry more about the "what" of behavior than the "why." " (page xi)I think you are well-aware of my love for focus on "why" vs "how" in parenting and life really. It is like a "spirit of the law" vs "letter of the law" interpretation.
A lot of times, parents spend their energy trying to control the actual behavior--we react to the behavior. We punish for the behavior. We rack our brains and scour the Internet looking for a solution to curbing behavior.
When we focus this way, it really leads us away from looking at children as people with human emotion. Children are not machines that we can tweak a bit, reprogram, and send them on their way. They have motivation behind what they do. And in the eternal scheme o things, why they are doing things is far more important than what they are doing.
This discussion brings to my memory a time when Brayden was physically rough with Kaitlyn. This is definitely something we do not tolerate in our home. Brayden is not a naturally physical person and it had never been an issue for him. I could have reacted in an angry way and sent him to his room "for life," but instead, I took him to a room where we could be alone, I pulled him onto my lap, and we talked about it. This was so uncharacteristic of him that I wanted to get at the root of the problem.
Sure, I don't want him to be physically aggressive for a lot of reasons, including the safety of other people. But I also want him to be able to control his anger. I don't want him redirecting his anger--I want him telling his anger to go away. There was something in his heart that day that drove him to act out this way. I wanted to treat the root of the problem--not just cut off the bad branches.
"When parenting short-circuits to behavior we miss the opportunity to help our kids understand that straying behavior displays a straying heart" (page xi).
Why a child does something is so much more important than that he does something.
We should always be mindful of why our children are doing what they are doing, even if their external actions are good. I think about people who donate large sums of money so they can get the attention that comes from it. Some people run for presidents of clubs so they can have the power. Some people go to church for the social benefits.
I like the point Tripp makes about all people being worshipers "...ether we worship and serve God, or we make an exchange and worship and serve substitutes for God..." No matter what our children are doing, we want to make sure they are doing it for the right reasons.
I want my children to share because they love others, not because they fear consequences. I want my children to obey because they trust me, not because they fear me. I want my children to serve others because they love others and love God, not because they want thank-you notes and recognition.
As you raise your children, stay in tune with them so you know the internals of their hearts. Don't just look at externals. Externals give you clues, and good externals can lead a child to change the internal to follow. But you need to be familiar with your child's heart so you can direct it in the right direction. Look to the internals, not the externals.
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Book Review: Shepherding A Child's Heart
by Tedd Tripp. Let me say, this will be a mixed review.On the one hand, this book has some great points. It has several of what I would call "Golden Nuggets" that put things well and make great points.
On the other hand, it has quite a bit I disagree with. I think the only parenting book I have read that I disagree with more is The Happiest Baby On the Block. I find this funny because most of what I disagree with with Happiest Baby is the whole caveman/evolution thing, and Shepherding is a very Biblical book. A simple example of me disagreeing with something in Tripp's book is he lumps 0-5 year olds in the same category when discussing training objectives. I just can't even begin to pretend to make an argument for why a 6 month old and a 4.5 month old can be in the same category...
So, will you like this book? It is really hard to say. There are moms I highly respect who have this on their list of favorite parenting books. I also have moms I highly respect who couldn't even finish the book. One thought is that if you are a reader of the Bible who spanks or plans to spank, you might really like this book. I am not personally a spanker, so obviously a huge chunk of this book contains information of no interest to me. If you are a reader of the Bible and do not spank, you will find a lot you agree with a lot you disagree with. If you spank, you will find helpful information. If you do not read the Bible and do not spank, it is best you stay away from this book :)
My personal view is that I think it is worth reading. There are good points in it and Tripp brings up some great things for parents to think about. But I don't think I would read it and decide it was a "must own." Of course I purchased it before reading it, so I own it, but had I borrowed it from the library, I would return it and take it off of my Amazon Wish List.
There will of course be future posts inspired by this book--both the good and the bad. Until then, you will have to read it for yourself to decide what you think.
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