Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts

How to Choose the Best Parenting Strategy for You

How to Choose the Best Parenting Strategy for You. Tips for thinking through options to choose the parenting strategy that best suits you and your family.

by Diana

While I haven’t had kids for that long of my life – my oldest is 5.5 years old – I have done a lot of research as a mom. My husband and I have also had a lot of conversation analyzing parenting, how things are going, and what we can do better. At this point in our parenting journey, here are our parenting systems. Some of these things won’t apply to everyone, but this is what we try to do.

First, make sure you are on the same page with your partner.

No need to try to implement any new parenting or discipline stuff by yourself. That being said, if you and your partner are not on the same page, kids (even young ones) will figure it out. They know that certain behaviors may be acceptable with one person and not another, and they will act accordingly.

10 Uses For a Timer That Will Make Parenting Easier

Uses For a Timer That Will Make Parenting Easier. Tips for making discipline, chores, reading, and technology tracking easier.

A highly underutilized tool in parenting is the simple timer. The timer can help you with discipline, teaching manners, chores, reading minutes, independent playtime implementation, and tracking video game or television time. Basically any time your child doesn't want to do something or wants to do something too much, the timer is your friend. Here are my favorite ways to use the timer (affiliate link) to make parenting a little easier.

Why I Hate the Concept of Everyone Wins

Why I Hate the Concept of Everyone Wins. How everyone winning leads to everyone losing.

Everyone is a winner. Participation trophies. Everyone wins and no one loses. I get it. I really do. I understand why people, especially parents, like the idea and concept of everybody wins. Everyone gets a trophy. No hurt feelings. No losers. We don't want to squash the ambitions of children. If they lose, they might give up and never try again. Let's just play for fun, not keep score, and keep everyone feeling good and happy.

Yes, I understand the appeal of that idea. But I think it is wrong. I even actually hate it.

This is of course when I step back and remove myself from the situation emotionally. Do I hate to see my child lose? You bet. I have seen my kids give something everything they have and still not come out on top. That is crushing. It crushes them, and only a parent understands the fact that we hurt even more than our kids do when they are hurt. We want to take that pain away from them. We want to protect them and preserve their innocence. We do not want to crush their spirit nor deter them from sticking with something that could be a real talent some day.

But I have to look at my job as a parent from what I like to call an eternal perspective. In the grand scheme of life, of eternity, what is best for the child? What can I reasonably do long-term to keep up this everyone wins farce? What life lessons need to be learned while my child is a child rather than in adulthood? Will life protect the child in the same way I want to forever? What does my child need to experience to go on and live a fulfilling life as an adult?

My child cannot win at everything. My child needs to know that sometimes, you fail. Because in life, my child will fail. My child is a human and imperfect. Failure will come. My child needs to learn how to handle that failure. I don't need to protect my child from failure; I need to guide my child through failure. My child can learn more from losing than from winning. How you respond to failure is what shapes your future.

If I am afraid of my child failing or losing so much that I pretend it never happened and hand him a trophy for last place, how will he feel when the day comes he realizes he failed? Will he feel ashamed? Confused? Paralyzed? Anxiety? If I give a trophy for losing, I show my child that I am not okay with loss, failure, or mistakes. We must make it all look pretty and perfect and pretend the bad never happened. That does not teach a child how to manage a failure when it comes in life (and it will come).

I want my children to know that failure will come. That failure, mistakes, losing are all okay. That is a normal part of life. It is something to work through and improve upon, not hide from and bury down. When a loss or mistake happens in my child's life, I want my child to be emotionally fortified to face that disappointment, know it is normal, and move forward.

Failure comes in all forms, including sin. I absolutely do not want my children to feel like they need to hide sin. Sin will happen, and my children need to know how to work through it, rise above, and improve upon themselves.

A harsh truth in life is that sometimes you give it all you have and you still don't come out on top. Sometimes you train well and run your hardest, but you still don't win the race. One fall season, McKenna's recreation soccer team lost all but one game. They practiced regularly and played hard, but still lost. Those are hard seasons, but a lot of great lessons come from them. One great lesson that comes from losing is empathy. When we feel left out, we know what it feels like to be left out and try to be inclusive. When we lose a game, we know what it feels like to lose and can be more gracious winners.

Kaitlyn has been playing on a competitive team for three years. Her first year, her team lost most games. They worked hard over the summer and came back and won almost every game that next season. The next season, they were moved up to play against girls two years older. They lost to every one of those older and bigger teams. But as players, and as a team, their skill and ability grew much more than it had against the teams they were beating every time. Sometimes loss is your best friend.

I have seen my children work really hard at something, think they are giving it all they have, and not win. Upon reflection, they realize they didn't actually give it everything. They could have done more. So they do. They work harder and get even better. They become better than they would have been if they had been given a trophy for trying and sat comfortably believing they had done all they could, when in reality they had more to give.

I have been writing this post in my mind for several years. I have done research on the topic. I have read the opposing side. I understand that participation trophies come from a place of concern and love. But I have read about the negative impact the "everyone gets a trophy" culture has done to people as they have entered adulthood. Participation trophies do more harm than good:

"Studies have shown that rewarding kids just for participating can have a negative impact, producing a self-obsessed, irresponsible, and unmotivated generation of false achievers. At the far end of the spectrum, inflated self-esteem has been found in criminals, junkies, and bullies, which is supposed to have been what the self-esteem movement was trying to steer children away from."

The authors of one of my favorite books, Nurture Shock, stated:

"The science is clear. Awards can be powerful motivators, but nonstop recognition does not inspire children to succeed. Instead, it can cause them to underachieve." Losing is Good for You

Look, kids are smart. They learn to count before they enter Kindergarten. They have eyes and can clearly see the quality of work done by both themselves and their peers. Most kids know who won the game, even if the adults didn't keep score. They know if they didn't win and they know if they did. They know if they are good at something or not. Telling the winners everyone won and the losers they won, too, doesn't do any group a favor. It leaves both ends of the spectrum unmotivated to do more.

Several years ago, I read an article in our local paper discussing an alarming rise in antidepressants needed by college students at our local university. College kids were having more and more anxiety and mental issues. A physician interviewed at the university hypothesized it was because these students had never learned to fail. They had always been told they won, and guess what? College isn't like that. It shouldn't be because life isn't like that. Work isn't like that. You have to earn promotions, not just show up and sit there. Even more concerning to me now, several years later, is that parents are now showing up at the university to fight their college aged students battles for them. If the kid doesn't score well enough on the test, mom literally shows up in the professor's office. Mom!

I know on some level, we step back as parents and really want to protect our children on all levels. No emotional pain. No physical pain. No disappointments. No friend problems. No bad choices. We

want to control all aspects of their lives for them.

But that isn't the best way to love your children. They need to learn how to deal with all of those issues and more. They need to learn to pick themselves back up. They need to make their own choices and live with their own consequences, good and bad. That is how we as humans grow and become better people.

It has been said that no one wins when everyone wins. Let me wrap this up with a few quotes I find ring true:

“Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday.” Wilma Rudolph

“You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep going.” Morgan Wootten

“You can’t win unless you learn how to lose.” Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

I believe failure is good for us at times. I believe it so much that I have my kids try new things--things that will be hard. I have them participate in things even if they aren't the best or most talented. I want them to learn to work, empathize, and know other people are good at stuff, too, and that is okay.

Related Posts:

It is Okay That We Are All Different

As humans, we want to fit in. We want to be like others around us and others we look up to. So much of the marketing we see out there hones in on that fact to try to get us to buy what they are selling.

Here is reality.

We are all different.

And that is okay.

It is okay that we are not all the same. It is even good that we are not all the same.

This concept can be difficult to grasp, especially in our youth. As I have gotten older, I have come to really grasp, understand, and accept that fact. Once we do accept that, life actually gets so much better. When we work with others who are different instead of pushing against others who are different, our results are even better! Let me illustrate with an experience from this past summer.

I was asked to be over camp for the young women in my ward (church congregation). This is ages 12-18. Each summer, they go camping where they unplug, grow closer to each other, bond with their youth leaders, and hopefully grow stronger in their faith. I was told I could ask an assistant to help me. Well, of course I wanted (and needed) an assistant!

I was very prayerful in who my assistant should be. One day, the answer hit me, as I hoped it would. She accepted and off we went. This is a woman I get along with very well. We have a lot of similarities, but we also have some very, very strong differences in our personalities (when we were at camp, we played a "would you rather" game, and we chose opposite answers almost every time). As we worked together, I saw how beneficial it was to the overall picture that we are different. Her strengths are my weaknesses. Without her help, there would have been gaps in what we did. With it, it was whole.

"...it is by divine design that not all the voices in God's choir are the same. It takes variety--sopranos and altos, baritones and basses--to make rich music...When we disparage our uniqueness or try to conform to fictitious stereotypes--stereotypes driven by an insatiable consumer culture and idealized beyond any possible realization by social media--we lose the richness of tone and timbre that God intended when he created a world of diversity." Jeffrey R. Holland, "Songs Sung and Unsung"

I love that quote. If we were all the same, how boring would that be?!?

This quote is applicable in all areas of life, but in the interest of parenting, I wanted to focus on a few things.

First, if other mothers parent differently than you do, that is okay. The vast majority of parents out there want the best for their children and are taking measures to be good parents. Different doesn't mean bad. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong. It just means different. We are all in the orchestra together. We all have different instruments. We have different timings. Some have the melody. Some have the harmony. Some have a counter-melody. Sometimes we borrow a note we like that we heard from someone else. Sometimes our notes are completely dissonant. While the specific notes and timings we may be playing are vastly different from each other, we are all playing the same song. When all of those notes come together, the results are beautiful.

The second point I wanted to make was that each of your children will be different. That is okay. You may have dreamed of having a flute player, but it turns out your child is more of a tuba player. That's okay. We need all of the instruments in the band.

This means you may have hoped your child would be a star athlete. That might not be the case. Find out what your child is. You may have hoped your child would share your love for mechanics. That might not be the case. Find out what your child loves. You may have hoped for an artist, a horseman, a musician, a baker, a dancer, an academic...there are so many things we can imagine and hope our children will be. This hopes can stem from wanting to share what we loved as children or stem from wanting our children to be good at the things we weren't good at. Help your child find his or her instrument. Accept that. Embrace that. Cultivate that.

It is okay that we are not all the same. It makes for a richer world and sweeter sound.

Motherhood Reality Check: Life Doesn't Get Less Busy

Hi young mother. I used to be like you. I sat and daydreamed about the future--not too far away, but far enough it seemed it might never come. The day when my little ones could do a lot for themselves, be in school, and I would suddenly have more time to get the things done that I would like to get done. Me time. Even just time to clean without being interrupted sounded amazing.

One day, when I had only a 3 and 1 year old, I sat with a group of women in all stages of life. I was the youngest among them, and I had a reality check. We were planning an event for the youth in our church. As we discussed a date, one mom with teenagers opened up her calendar. It was FULL. I mean, full.

"So...you don't get more time in your life as your kids get older?" I asked?

She chuckled, "No."

I felt surprised and confused and wondered how that could possibly be.

When your kids are all older and in school, you aren't trading your current time with babies straight across. You don't trade your exact time with little ones for sudden free time. The older your children get, the more time they need from you. Sure, they can wipe their own behinds and grab their own glass of water. But they need you to run them to soccer practice. They need you to go sit through their piano recitals. You will find yourself attending assemblies and helping in class.

They won't keep you up at night as they fight falling asleep or wake up to eat, but they will keep you up late needing to talk out a problem they are facing or as you wait for them to come home from a friend's house Friday night.

You will have more time in the day to do some cleaning and cooking, and good thing you do, because you will need it! The more people you have and the bigger their clothes are, the more loads of laundry you will have each week. More people means bigger meals and more dishes. When you double a recipe, you increase the time it takes to make it.

You won't be carrying your child everywhere, but you will be driving your child everywhere. Even if you heavily limit the number of items your child is involved in to one activity at a time, if you have four kids, that is four things you are adding to your week. Things that take practices, performances or competitions, and errands to purchase what is needed for that activity.

It all adds up.

Life only gets busier.

Over the years, I have had several people tell me life only gets busier as kids get older. I have been counseled to take on big volunteering jobs at the school while my children were all younger because it just gets hard as kids get older (I have heeded that advice).

I have never been told that life only gets busier like I did the day I registered Brinley for Kindergarten. Friends, teachers, and even the principal at our school told me throughout the day that life only gets busier. Getting your last child in school does not lead to tons of free time. "It never slows down until they all move out" our principal shared with me.

So what is the point of this? Am I trying to majorly depress you?

Not at all!

I think this is a lesson to enjoy the moment. Do not wish your time away. Do not count away your days with young ones in hopes of having some major free time in a few years. It changes. It gets easier in some ways, harder in other ways, but never less busy. Learn to make the most of what time you have, because time is a commodity you won't have in excess for a long time. Learn to manage, prioritize, and work with the time you are given. Live in today. Seize the moment. Enjoy what you have, because tomorrow you will have different challenges.

If We Don't Teach Our Children, Someone Else Will

I recently read a new study discussing how to raise an honest child. The Science of Us discussed the study and what to learn from it, "The real-world takeaway, the researchers argue, is that kids are more inclined to be honest when they know honesty will please their parents." So children are more likely to be honest when they know honesty matters to you.

It is then a safe leap to say that children are impacted by what their parents teach them. If they stress honesty, honesty will be a value the child cares about.

Sometimes as parents, we might feel hesitant to push our beliefs or values on our children. We might want them to choose moral behavior on their own or we might worry about pushing them the opposite direction when we stress good morals and values. If we stress honesty, it might make them lie to us even more!

The question becomes, however, if you don't teach your child, who will? Because someone, or something, will be the teacher of your child. Humans learn things. So if you do not teach, who will? And do you want to leave that to chance?

Sometimes parents step back and totally luck out. Someone comes along to have a positive influence on the child and the child learns good values.

On the other side, many times parents step back and their child is left trying to find direction from somewhere, anywhere, and is left confused and floundering.

If you don't teach your child, someone will.

This statement can be taken down to simple tasks, also.

If you don't teach your child how to share, someone will. That someone might be a three year old. Chances are, a three year old won't be the best model on how to "share."

If you want your child to learn a certain trait, value, or virtue, you need to be the one to teach it. You can proactively find helps--maybe a great storybook or a fun show can help you drive the point home. You can strategically surround your child with good role models of the values and virtues you love. You are the strongest role model and example to your child. Your child will emulate everything about you for a time, right down to the way you clear your throat.

If you don't teach your child, someone will. Don't leave that all to chance. Take initiative and be the one to influence your child.

When kids lie, and what to do about it (click to read)

Two Things You Can Do To Avoid Yelling At Your Kids

Yelling just doesn't leave you feeling happy. It might feel good to release that pressure in the moment, but that moment is always followed by immense regret. Yelling might work to get what you want at some points, but it is not an effective, long-term parenting tool. If you are like most moms and want to avoid yelling at your children, there are two things you can do to set yourself up for more success.

If you want to set yourself up for success to not yell at your kids, you need to start by thinking of yourself like you think of your toddler. What sorts of things do you do to make sure your toddler is set up for success?

1-Make sure your little one gets enough sleep.

2-Make sure your little one gets good food at regular times.

Simple right?

But this can be easier said than done when you are a mom.

When I had one baby, it was hard to not always be able to get sleep. You think I would have been prepared for the difficulty when my other babies came along. Um, no! It is much easier to be patient toward a baby all day than a toddler, preschooler, or older when you are running on little to no sleep. Babies don't ask a hundred billion questions a day. Babies don't want you to play ponies with them. Babies don't have a driving need to get out of the house. Newborns don't need anything more than a bottle made or breast offered at mealtimes. When you have an older child, you suddenly need to be interactive all day.

You also have to parent. You have to correct older children. A newborn doesn't require discipline, but a toddler...um, yes.

Be mindful of this and do what you can to be well-rested. I know, it can be the impossible dream.

No matter what ages of your children, be sure you are aware of what time you need to be in bed by the night before so when your alarm goes off in the morning, you will have gotten enough sleep to be a nice mom.

Food is also easier said than done. This is true for moms of new babies as well as older kids. I often find myself at lunch and realize I never got breakfast. Life with kids is busy, and we moms can easily forget to take care of ourselves.

If you find that you frequently have a hard time keeping your temper in check, first look at your sleeping and eating habits. You never know if such a simple fix could lead to a happier you.

7 Phrases to help you avoid losing your temper as a parent

7 Phrases That Help You Avoid Losing Your Temper as a Parent

"I do it myself!"

"No Mama!"

"I don't want to!"

"But why!"

Are any of those familiar phrases you have heard in your home? I certainly have. Children will no doubt have times of refusing help, telling you know, an whining about a myriad of issues. Parents often find themselves wondering how to respond appropriately in those moments.

What no one seems to want to do is to lose it and begin yelling. Yelling seems to bring instant regret, and I see people all over the Internet looking for solutions on how to not yell.

One of my greatest tools is my list of phrases I turn to in those moments of frustration. I have these go-to responses for common things that come out of my kids' mouths that I can find frustrating. Rather than responding in exasperation or anger, I respond matter-of-factly with the phrase. These phrases outline pre-established rules in our home, and my child understands that mom isn't budging.

"I didn't ask if you wanted to..."

How many times do you give your child an instruction and hear "I don't want to!" in return?

"Time to clean up your toys!" "I don't want to!"

"Time for nap!" "I don't want to!"

"Time to eat dinner!" "I don't want to!"

"Come here please!" "I don't want to!"

"Go potty before we leave the house." "I don't want to!"

It is very easy to get frustrated with a child complaining that she doesn't want to do something. My simple response to that is, "I didn't ask if you wanted to."

"I didn't ask if you wanted to clean up your toys. I just said to clean them up." Alternately, I might respond in the same situation, "I know you don't want to, but you need to."

"That is not a request."

This phrase really conveys the same point as "I didn't ask if you wanted to." I tend to use it when the child is being more disobedient in actions and not just expressing likes and dislikes. I am typically more nonchalant with "I didn't ask if you wanted to" and more firm with "That is not a request."

"You don't have the freedom to..."

I most commonly use this phrase when I get told flat out no. I can say any of the instructions I listed above and get told they don't want to. If I get told no, I very firmly remind the child that "You don't have the freedom to tell mommy no." This can be used for a variety of purposes. Any time a child is trying to step out of boundaries and take more control than is appropriate for her, this is a great phrase to throw out there.

"Just sit and be bored."

You know those times when your child is looking for something to do. It can be at home, in the car, or in a waiting room. You offer up a nice list of recommendations, only to be told how boring or unacceptable every idea is. My response to this is always, "Just sit and be bored then."

Life is not always fun and entertaining. There are times we have to be able to entertain ourselves with only our thoughts. In those moments when my children are bored, I offer up ideas. I am, after all, the head teacher in their lives. I help them brainstorm and come up with possible solutions.

When the child decides to be difficult, I offer up the option to just be bored. That is always on the table. Boredom is okay and I do not mind if they go there. Sometimes life is boring.

I have been using this phrase longer than smartphones have been a thing, but in our current age of tablets and constant access to electronics, I find kids can easily complain of boredom until the electronic device is finally offered up. My children know I am okay with bored and that such complaints will not lead to my phone.

"Turn off Your Whiney Voice"

Oh the whining! It can really start to get to you like nails on a chalkboard. Common advice for whining is to simply ignore the child until she stops whining, but in practice, I haven't found that terribly effective. One of my favorite ways to stop the whining is to simply instruct my child to "Turn off your whiney voice." I don't have to get mad and snap. My child doesn't have to whine incessantly while I ignore her, hoping she will soon catch the hint that I am not responding because of the whining.

"What are you supposed to be doing?" or "Where are you supposed to be?"

You know when you send your child to do her chores and later find her doing cartwheels instead? "What are you supposed to be doing right now?" "Um, doing my chores."

You don't have to yell and carry on. You don't have to lecture. You just have to ask your child. She knows. She will head on back to where she is supposed to be.

"It won't hurt my feelings"

This is one of my favorites at the dinner table. When a certain child needs to finish her dinner if she wants any dessert, and she looks at me with those big doe-eyes hoping for a pardon, I respond, "It won't hurt my feelings if you don't get dessert tonight. It will hurt my feelings if you don't get enough good nutrients and aren't healthy, though." She knows I am not budging, and she knows it is because I love her. She isn't thrilled and kissing my cheek thanking me for sticking to my guns, but she does go back to eating without attitude nor complaint and ALWAYS gets it done in time for dessert.

Conclusion

These phrases can prevent you from jumping into needless lectures. They can help you say something without regretting it. They provide consistent ways to respond to common situations, allowing you to stay calm and in charge. They are phrases you can say anytime, anyplace. Is your child acting out in the grocery store? You use one of these phrases just like you would at home. You can correct the same way no matter where you are. They are quite handy!

Read More:

Responding when your child balks at instruction.

How to keep your child on track without losing your temper

Managing the Family When Your Spouse is Away

This post contains affiliate links.

I am a faithful Fitbit wearer. On a typical day, I clock anywhere from 10,000 to 15,000 steps. The last time my husband was out of town on business, however, I clocked in 20,000 to 25,000 each day. There is no doubt that parenting solo takes a lot more effort. This effort is not only physical, but also mental. You need to be on all day every day.

Whether your spouse is out of town, working late often, or working on some big project (hello home addition at our house right now!), tips are helpful. I asked you on Facebook what you do.

Have Friends Over

This one is from me. When my husband is out of town, my kids get really sad and miss him a lot. I like to have friends over as much as possible during that time. It can be more work having friends over, but the kids get so excited about the friends that it takes their mind off their dad being gone.

If you didn't want to do the friends, you could accomplish the same idea by doing something fun. This might be the perfect time for a movie night.

Keep Things Consistent

Ashley said: Fortunately we don't have my husband out of the house for long periods of time often. When I am single-parenting, we stick to our normal routine and try to send pictures and/or Skype with Daddy. Sometimes we try to get out of the house and do something unique. For instance, we made haircut night into a fun fast-food dinner night. I really try to encourage and give extra snuggles. Maybe read for an extra five minutes before bed. If bad behavior creeps up, I try to be as consistent as possible. Sometimes I just have to survive. Due to deaths in my family, my son and I have spent a couple weeks a state away from my husband. That can be tricky as I'm missing Daddy a lot, as is J. We try to communicate as often as possible, and stick to the sleep schedule to a T. Again, we try to do something fun, but we almost refuse to sacrifice routine.

Keep Your Chin Up

Christina said: My husband is significantly disabled, so I can really relate to single moms in that I pretty much have to physically do all of the parenting during the early (baby) years. I just have to keep reminding myself that I will have good and bad days. I have to keep on trying to work on routines and work towards the goal of a good schedule. I try to rest whenever I can/when I need it, which is honestly hard to do with a non-napping 4-year-old. I take any help I can get from outside our home (mostly only my dad and mom). I use my crockpot frequently for meals and take it easy on myself. Housework can wait a day or so later. When I get up for nighttime feedings, I usually watch something or surf the internet on my Nook (less brightness than a computer so it's easier on my son during feedings). And I just tell myself over and over again how many days old he is and that he WILL eventually sleep through the night, get on a schedule, etc. Like I said, you will have good days and bad days. Celebrate the good ones and when you have a bad day, remind yourself that things will probably get better the next day.

Take Time to Rest

Amanda said: Routine stays the same. It muddy stay the same. If I cook we eat it 3 times, but usually we eat really simple. Because we eat simple (or lots of leftovers) we usually get out of the house after naps when I would usually be cooking- library, park, target. Any excuse to get out. I also rest more during naptime vs doing my usual chores. Having 3 under 4 makes me tired, and I need extra rest if I'm not getting reinforcements. Mine actually spend longer in the bath bc they are happy and I can chill while they play in a contained area.

Cook Extra

Jennifer said: biggest hack...When I cook, I cook 4 to 5 times normal and freeze the rest with a food saver. So I only end up cooking a few times a month. The schedule changes by day of the week to give my LO more nap time on days I'm home with him cause he doesn't sleep as well at daycare. He's in bed by 7 every night which gives me precious time to myself. We're also more flexible with nap time on the days we get to talk to my spouse.

Simplify

Sarah P. said: We skip baths more often... Haha. I try to make sure we get in a play date and something special and fun to do. I also keep cooking super simple. And I try to be graceful with myself! Oh! And of it's a long enough trip, and I can swing it, I get a sitter for a few hours.

Simple Pleasures

Sarah B. said: My husband is about to go on night shift. He works night 7 days out of every 28. It is like he is gone because he obviously has to sleep during the day. We don't have TV so it when he is on night shift I let the kids watch a 30 minute video in the evening or do a special craft. Not as many baths, like Sarah Morris Perez said...and they get to go to Bible Study with me on Wednesday night - it's a women's class. Simple pleasures! I just remind myself that it is only 7 nights AND remember that there are many in his industry who are without work and I'm thankful he has a job to go to.

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"You're Lucky"

image source

"I can't believe all four of your babies slept so well. You are so lucky!" There it was. The comment that seems to come multiple times with each baby. How "lucky" we are to have good sleepers. It can be a frustrating comment; as parents, we know how much effort and sacrifice has gone into helping the child learn to be a good sleeper. We know it isn't about luck. But I have even had people who read my blog tell me I am lucky to have had good sleepers, so the comments can come even from people who have some inside information.

But you can't really blame people. They don't see the effort going on and don't know of the sacrifices made to get there. It is human nature to attribute essentially "luck" to the good we see in the lives of others. Take even seeing someone who is very skilled at something, be it anything from athletics to instruments. We hear someone playing piano flawlessly and marvel at how talented they are. Do we ever pause to think about how much work went into developing that talent?

When I was in high school, I was at a church leader's house. Her daughter-in-law was furiously playing their grand piano in the other room. My leader explained her daughter-in-law was working on a master's degree of some sort in piano--it was a long time ago; I can't remember what she was officially working toward. What I do remember is that she was required to practice 10 hours a DAY. A day! Yet we would hear that playing and think, "Wow! She is talented!" and probably wish we had been given that talent. I know some people have talents that just come naturally, but most things we see as talents in others are the result of effort on their part.

So I cut people slack. They don't know how much time and effort I have put in. And those "lucky" babies do come. People do get lucky babies who just sleep well. So the comments come. They tend to come with less frequency with each child you have who is a good sleeper. People recognize "luck" doesn't happen that often.

When the comments come, you have a handful of options for your reaction. If you don't know the person well, saying a simple, "Thanks!" or "Yeah." can suffice. If you are visiting with the person, you can throw out there, "Oh luck had nothing to do with it! We [insert brief details here]." Sometimes the comments come simply because they are making conversation.

Just remember the comment isn't intended to be a jab at you or an effort to undermine anything you have done. Those people are out there, but most make comments innocently. Respond in kind.

Don't Feel Guilty About the Ebbs and Flows of Parenting

Clearly I had messed up. There she was with her little diva attitude trying idea 5001 on how to delay nap time. When it wasn't working, she really lost it. I had done it. Again. I had allowed a child to slip into having too many freedoms. Now came the fun of reigning those in.

At times, parenting can feel like a long list of mistakes and regrets. Hindsight is 20/20, and as you look back at the decisions you made with your perfect retrospective vision, you can see where you went wrong and what you should have done instead. You will realize you kept your baby awake too long and that led to short naps. You will realize you handled a discipline situation all wrong and feel like worst parent in the history of parenting.

Conversely, sometimes you will look back and say, "I rocked that!" You will have times you handle everything perfectly! But of course, being the human you are, you will make mistakes. Again! Even after that perfect day.

Parenting is full of ebbs and flows. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. I know it is easier said than I wrote about considering the source of your guilt. I hope you have read that and internalized it. If you are feeling like you need to improve and can improve, that is the Lord helping you become a better you. If you feel like you messed up and there is no hope for you ever, that is the Adversary tearing you down. What better way to stunt the progress of children than to stunt the ability of their parents?
done, but your best thing is to recognize your shortcomings, work to correct them, and move forward. Don't beat yourself up. Last year,

Ebbs and flows will come. Do not let them make you feel like a failure. EVERYONE has them. Do the best you can do and make corrections where you can. Then move forward in the game of parenting. Be open to improving yourself, but don't open wounds in yourself because you need to improve. If you aren't perfect, congratulate yourself on being human. Fix what you can. Then brace yourself for the next tide.

Giving Prime Relationships Prime Time

I recently came across this quote:

"...please scrutinize your schedules and priorities in order to ensure that life's prime relationships get more prime time!" Neal A. Maxwell

That quote was said in 1994--many of you were probably born in that year! Life has changed a lot since then. When that quote was said, I was an early teen. Kids were not as busy then. Parents were not as busy then. Families were not as busy then. We weren't distracted by the Internet at all, much less the Internet in our pockets.

This quote has just gotten more pertinent over time. It gave me pause and caused me to think. I think it it is wise to frequently evaluate how we are allocating our time. I love the notion of "prime time and prim relationships."

I think it has long been human nature to give our best to the world. We look our best for those outside of our homes. We act our best. We are more patient. We show more grace.

As parents of young children, we often feel trapped in monotony. Life is the pretty much the same day in and day out for many years. We start to feel a little disconnected from the world (and so we cling to those electronic devices like a lifeline!). We feel like we aren't contributing much. We think about serving others and will learn about the importance of service at church and feel guilty because we are so focused on our little families we rarely think of those outside of our home.

We need to always remember that serving our families counts as service. We need to cut ourselves some slack. We are giving our prime relationships our prime time.

At the same time, of course we want to show our children good examples and teach them to serve others. We don't want to turn our backs on the world around us.

Life is a fine balancing act, and consistent evaluation of how we are doing will help us make those minor adjustments as we need to. As you choose how to spend your time, be sure you have things balanced so your family can and does get your prime time. Set limits on yourself to do so. Say no if you need to.

There is no blanket answer here. We can't say X number of hours is correct to be devoting to your family. We can't say "Do only ABC number of things that aren't focused on your family." The answers will vary from person to person. Be prayerful and mindful of how to spend your time and you will know if you need dto give more outside or less outside your family.

Childhood of the Past Was Not Perfect

For some reason, I get really bothered by the frequent harping on the way people parent today--especially when it is accompanied by how awesome it was when we were children ourselves. The parents of today apparently, according to the critics, had a perfect childhood, and yet we are running around doing most things in an opposite direction and completely failing as parents. I am sure you have seen many of the posts that get shared around social media about how perfect the childhood of yore was and how we have just completely messed up childhood today.

Don't get me wrong, I recognize that some things that are happening as a general trend these days are not really best for children. Don't even get me started on "everyone gets a trophy." But that doesn't mean that our own personal childhoods were perfection. After all, the very people who were raised in this "perfect" childhood are the ones who are now parenting in an extremely different manner. The childhoods we (we used in broad general terms) had obviously were not perfect enough to turn us into perfect parents. If we really loved it so much, why aren't we doing things the same way? So maybe it wasn't perfect after all.

The world has changed, even if a good part of that change is really just our perception and knowledge of the world. Is the world more dangerous today than it was back in the apparent "glory days" of our youth? Statistics seem to say no--crime really isn't worse. What is more rampant is our ability to attain information. We know about a lot more of the scary things happening because we have global access to news 24 hours a day.

I remember back in the days when childhood was supposedly perfect seeing crying mothers on talk shows like Oprah. They would share their horror story of the sad thing that happened to their child and proclaim that if by sharing the story it saves one child's life, it was worth the effort. We don't need talk shows anymore to tell us about those 1 in 500,000 chance events. We can get them on the Internet. Do you think that maybe some of the moms 30 years ago who had death meet their young children because of something they didn't know about might wish they had access like we have today?

I am not a parent who tries to wrap my children up in a bubble. I think we have to take what we know to be risks in life in order to actually be able to live life. We can't possibly protect our children from everything, but that doesn't mean we can't and shouldn't take reasonable measures to protect our children from the things we can.

My newsflash is this. If our lives were so perfect growing up, we would be actively duplicating them for our children now.

People by nature want to improve life for their offspring. Every generation has done it, and every generation will continue to do it.

Now, like I said, I have no delusions that lead me to believe we are the perfect parents today. I am sure our own children will change much about their parenting styles that will reflect the world they live in and things they would want to change if they could.

We can honestly assess any shortcomings we are facing as a society without trying to throw us back to the lifestyles lived 30ish years ago. We live now. Glorifying the past will not help us accurately assess the present. Let's be real--looking back on our era childhood and claiming it was perfection is like looking back on pregnancy and only remembering the good moments. As humans, we forget much of the difficulty. We can't change it to what it was, so rather, let's try to change it to what it could be.

Just as our parents before us, we do what we do as parents because we love our children and want them to have the best life possible. And while some things were probably better in our childhoods, there is plenty that is better now. Let's keep the things that are better and try to improve the things that are declining. Let's improve the now rather than spend our time lamenting what was.

Little Kids, Little Problems...

About five years ago, I bought an elliptical. My third (living) child had just turned one. In the previous five years, I had carried three babies to term, one baby to half term, and had nursed three babies for a year each. It took a number on my body and I wanted to get into some semblance of shape.

The elliptical I purchased had pre-programmed workouts. It changed the resistance and incline for you at different intervals and told you how fast to go, changing speeds as the workout went on. I tried out a simple 20 minute workout and I about died after five minutes. Seriously. I didn't know if I would ever be able to complete a 20 minute workout! Never-the-less I pressed on. I spent a few works working up to being able to complete the 20 minute workout. It was hard for me in the state I was in.

Jump ahead five years. I have been consistent and faithful in my exercising. I have added more than the elliptical to my life. Today, a 20 minute workout is basically a cakewalk. I typically do 50-60 minutes when I get on the elliptical now. I am sweaty when I am done and I have pushed myself, but I never think death is around the corner. I actually reach that state of endorphins flowing through my body from the exercise. If you challenged to only work out on my elliptical for 20 minutes, I would smile and do it happily with my hands tied behind my back if you wanted me to.

About ten years ago, I had my first child. The hours were long and hard. It was a shock to my system. I stressed about sleep (for me and my baby!). I about died. I wondered what we were thinking having a baby. Why would we do that to ourselves? I thought I could not possibly make it through each day until my husband got home to offer some sort of relief, even if only mentally.

I worried about everything. I analyzed everything. I felt like I had no time to myself. A baby waking up early from a nap left me pondering and analyzing for hours. Then the child grew to be a toddler and another one came and my worries only continued. How would I potty train? How would I keep my house as clean as I wanted to? Why even bother washing windows when they would get dirty ten minutes later? When would I ever go to the bathroom alone again (I mean, a couple of times I had a child on my lap people). These parenting dilemmas were hard for me in the state I was in.

Ten years later, I know why the phrase "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems" exists. I would love for my biggest concern right now to be a child waking early from a nap as it was ten years ago (and I know--my kids have a lot of growing left to do which means bigger problems to come my way). I could solve that early waking problem with my hands tied behind by back if you challenged me to. Admittedly, the bathroom thing is still an issue--kids have a radar! I swear (though luckily it has been many, many years since a child was on my lap). Even so, I have built up a tolerance and endurance for facing such bathroom invasions. That is annoying, like a fly can be annoying, but I have larger worries on my mind. I am facing decisions that have long-term effects and implications on my children's lives. Boundaries and rules, activities, advice on friends, freedoms allowed, moral teachings...it is a lot heavier than early waking.

However, I must say this. In no way would I ever consider dismissing another mother's struggles with those long, endless and lonely early days as "little problems." I would never tell a mom with two young children she shouldn't worry about nap length because some day the stresses will be bigger than that.

Just like I slowly built up my endurance on my elliptical all those years ago, I have slowly built up my parenting endurance over the years. Yes, I can go back and do a workout now that just about killed me five years ago without even breaking a sweat. I can do that because I have been exercising those muscles consistently for five years. I have also been exercising my parenting skills for many years. Ten of them. Of course those issues that caused me to sweat ten years ago won't now. I have bigger "muscles," years of experience, wisdom, and hindsight all working in my favor. But I had to work to get here. I had to face those hard days in the early years to build that endurance up.

Change is not a future event, but a present day activity. Each day, I got stronger as a parent. Each day I tried again. Each day, I learned from my parenting mistakes that had come in the days before. I put in effort to become a better parent. That effort has allowed me to get strong enough to face the bigger hills today.

Many years ago, I taught a group of 12 and 13 year olds in church. One Sunday as I gave a lesson, one girl commented about a struggle she faced. Then she quickly dismissed it and said, "But that is just kid stuff. It isn't really a big deal. It wouldn't worry an adult." I am sure her well-meaning parents had tried to help her gain some perspective on her concerns. "Silly teenage concerns." I looked at this girl and said, in effect, "To me, those concerns are not a big deal, but I have lived more life and I have already faced those experiences. Those are big concerns for you in your life, and because of that, they do matter. They matter to you."

The problems we face today help us to get stronger to face our bigger concerns tomorrow. If we dismiss them without dealing with them and facing them, we do not gain the strength we need to. Having little children is hard! They are hard even if they bring with them "little problems." There do not need to be any apologies for feeling that way. Those feelings do not need to be dismissed. Maybe some day you will look back fondly on some of those hard things, but right now they are piling up and can make you want to crack. That doesn't make you weak. That doesn't make you inadequate. That doesn't make you ungrateful. That makes you a young mother experiencing life as a young mother.

Take the time to work through those feelings and emotions. Take the time to learn how to stress and worry over problems for your children, even if it is "just" naps. Work through these little problems. By working through these things, you will learn how to process problems for your children and be better prepared to help them with their "bigger" problems as they get older. You are building your endurance and strengthening your muscles for your years ahead you still have as a mother.

Yes, some day you will remember some things fondly that currently just drive you crazy. Yes you will miss some things (a lady at church swears to me she misses the constant fingerprints on her windows). But that future doesn't not change the difficulty of today.

And let's be honest. We humans tend to forget certain details of things. Once we are out of the thick of things, we can't quite remember what it was like to be so consumed in those "little problems." My children want snow in the summer and sun in the winter...we forget the worst parts and recall things in a very positive light.

So never feel silly for having little kids with little problems. Do not let other people dismiss your difficulties. Right now, they are big problems to you, and that is your reality. Just like you built endurance in your arms for carrying your baby (remember when your arms got tired from holding an 8 pound baby for a while? Now you haul that 35 pounder around like she is a little pillow on your hip), you are building endurance for parenting these little ones. Take each difficulty and learn what you need from it. That includes feeling the frustrations, pains, quandaries, successes, and joy that comes with it.

BFBN Week: Creating a Parenting Team with Two Different Personalities

Today we are continuing Babywise Friendly Blog Network week with a great post from Emily at Journey of Parenthood. Emily is talking about how to be a united team as parents even though you hare different personalities.

Emily says, "Suddenly you aren't only cohabiting with a person who is different from you, but now you're raising a child with that person. Parenting is a team effort and it can be tricky to be a united team when you're co-captain has so many different ideas, perspectives, and beliefs than you do." She then goes on to share five ideas to help you and your spouse get on the same page as parents even though you are two vastly different people. Go check it out for some fabulous tips! It is quite helpful.

Consistently Parenting Your Different Children

It is time for the Babywise Friendly Blog Network week! This week, we are all posting something about personalities. Today, I am talking about how you parent consistently in your home when your children are all different.

Children are all unique. They respond to different things differently. How can you respect and respond to those different needs while still being consistent in your home as a parent? How do we enforce rules and expectations appropriately across personality and even age differences without our children forming a mutiny? How can we be consistent while still responding to the unique needs of each child?

Know Your Child

Each of your children will have unique needs. All children have different personalities, preferences, and tolerances. Some will need more time with people. Some will need less. Some will love doing outside activities; others will be overwhelmed being gone from home more than a couple of nights a week. Some will need more sleep than others. Some will absolutely need food after X number of hours. Some are quite, some are loud. Everyone has natural strengths and weaknesses. All of these things impact the way a child acts in the home.

Children will also have natural trends based on birth order and love languages. Some children are just harder than others. I love the thought of some children being like parenting 101 while others are 505. Some just plain help you earn that parenting PhD. This can be just because of how you mesh with that child, while others are just more spirited and tenacious.

Know Yourself

Just like your child will have things that make her harder or easier, you will have things about you that will make you a harder or easier parent. You might be naturally impatient. You might be a control freak. You might be extremely free-spirited.

Get to know yourself. Take personality quizzes to help you understand what makes you tic. My personal favorite is Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence. Analyze your experiences in life. Ask yourself why you do certain things or why certain things frustrate you. Deal with things as needed so you can parent your child, not your childhood. You also want to parent what is actually happening and not what you imagine your worst fears to be.

Know your limits. Know when you need to take a step back and have a five minute break. Know if you need to take 10 minutes to think before you respond to a situation or if you can rationally handle hard circumstances. Know what circumstances lead you to be either lazy in your parenting or over-reactive in your parenting.

Know Your Parent/Child Dynamics

Different parent/child dynamics result in different relationships. A parent who is an oldest child will be the hardest on their own oldest child. A parent will be even harder on the child if the child is the same gender as the parent. Understand your tenancies as a parent and guard against being unfair toward a child.

Recognize what you have in common with your child. We are often the hardest and most critical of traits we see in our children that remind us of things we don't like about ourselves. Don't take your own distaste for yourself out on your child, who really just learned or inherited it from you.

Teach the Difference of Fair vs. Equal

I have written on fair vs. equal in the past. I think it is such a crucial thing for you to understand as a parent and for your child to understand as a human. It is not appropriate for your 4 year old to have the same freedoms as your 7 year old. Will this make your 4 year old quite upset? Definitely. Does that mean you give in and allow those freedoms? Definitely not.

It isn't even appropriate for your 4 year old to have the exact same freedoms as your 7 year old had when he was 4. Same age, but a different person. The current 4 year old might need more or fewer freedoms. Maybe the number won't necessarily be different, but what is allowed will be different.

Children are different from each other. Your children are no more the same people as you are to your siblings or spouse. You are different. They area different. Some will be more athletic than others and be able to have some physical freedom earlier. For example, one child might be coordinated enough to handle certain freedoms on the playground earlier than other children would.

This same concept can be applied to many things. A child who is naturally more trustworthy might be allowed to stay up reading in bed for 10 minutes at a younger age than other children. A child who is very responsible might be given a watch at a younger age than a sibling who does not care for his things.

Equal is not appropriate. Fair is appropriate. Fair means it is right for that individual child.

This idea works not only in freedoms, but in discipline, too. More on that below.

Have House Rules

You will no doubt have rules in your home that apply to everyone who is capable of following the rules. You will want standard rules that do apply to all children. You will want to start as you mean to go on.

The way many of those rules are followed will likely shift depending on age and ability, however. For example, you might have a rule that so much food is eaten at the table or there is no dessert. You will likely require different amounts for different children. The rules are the same for all, but the exact execution varies based on the individual.

Have Appropriate Consequences

This is where things can get very hairy. Consequences should be appropriate for each child. A common trend is for parents to be more strict with an oldest child and very lax with a youngest child. Really try to have your consequences appropriate for each child individually without being too extreme in any direction.

Consequences should fit the crime, but also the person. One child might be devastated to lose a privilege like TV time, while another will just say, "Eh, oh well." If learning doesn't take place, discipline didn't happen. Your consequences should teach and motivate the child to not do it again.

The key here is to be fair in your consequences. Being unequal really irritates children. When an older child complains about a younger child having more lax rules and consequences, you can go back to fair vs. equal and point out the many freedoms the older child has that the younger doesn't. With increased privilege comes increased responsibility. I always find it effective to let the older child know that I am perfectly happy to move to equality among children, starting with napping schedules. None of the older children are interested in picking up the baby's sleep schedule, so they decide it is okay to be treated differently after all.

Teach Empathy

Help teach your child the skill of striving to understand life from the perspective of another person. This will help you when your child is upset by the unjust practice of different siblings being responded to differently.