Commanding Obedience within Reason

Kaitlyn and I recently read The Little Prince together. As we were reading along, there were a lot of gems of wisdom throughout that I saw differently now that I am a parent. At one point, the little prince was talking to a king who boasted of being obeyed perfectly. 

The little prince requested the king command the sun to set right then. The king replied,

"If I commanded a general to fly from one flower to the next like a butterfly, or to write a tragedy, or to turn into a seagull, and if the general did not carry out my command, which of us would be in the wrong, the general or me?"

"You would be," said the little prince, quite firmly.

"Exactly. One must command from each what each can perform," the king went on. "Authority is based first of all upon reason...I am entitled to command obedience because my orders are reasonable." pages 30-31

This is precisely how we must look at our own authority as parents. We can not require obedience beyond the ability of our children. If we want obedience from our children, our orders need to be reasonable. 

This is definitely easier said than done. We don't always know what is reasonable. We don't always have the correct level of expectations for our children. We often expect too much from some and too little from others. You also have the fact that children can rise to our expectations, so we should have high standards for them. So how do you know if your orders are reasonable or not? 

If your child is constantly having issues being obedient, then your orders are not reasonable in some way. It might mean you have too high of expectations so your child is constantly failing to meet them (and will eventually stop trying to meet them). It can also mean your expectations are too low, resulting in your child having freedoms beyond her years to handle them. Either extreme will lead to behavior problems. For more on this, see Constantly Needing to Correct the Child.

Behavior problems are not the only sign that your commands might be off. Some children will bend over backwards trying to please their parents, no matter how monumental the task. If your child seems stressed or on edge, then you are likely giving commands that are not reasonable. If your child breaks down at the slightest hing of failure, evaluate your expectations. At some point, there will be some form of rebellion from these unreasonable commands, even if it is as minuscule as your adult child avoiding being around you (likely subconsciously). 

Keep this quote in mind as you parent and make demands of your children. Remember to request what they can give you. Always be willing to evaluate and adjust what you are requesting, how that is being received, and what you might need to change. You will likely often get it wrong--that is a normal part of parenting. Do the best you can and stay humble about it all and it will work out.

Related Posts/Blog Labels

• Wise In Your Own Eyes

• Babywise II: Freedoms

• Parental Authority

• Leadership and Authority: Childwise

• Childwise Phase One

Childwise Phase One

As I have been discussing Phase One of parenting on this blog, in the Chronicles Google Group, and in an online bookclub, it has become more and more obvious that people are really struggling to fully conceptualize Phase One of parenting as outlined in On Becoming Childwise. 

I decided to turn to Gary Ezzo for further information. With his permission, I share with you his response. Here are his words, with the emphasizing my doing. Thank you Gary!

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I read your blog [http://www.babywisemom.com/2011/04/leadership-phase.html] and I think you have grasp the gist of four phases. But your question seeks to understand what is going on during phase one. I'm assuming you mean what is going with both the parent and the child.  

In our new toddler series (The Toddlerhood Transition) I used a covered-wagon analogy to help explain what the broader role of parenting might be during this phase. During the days of covered wagons, families traveling together in the open plains would circle their wagons at night. This was to create a perimeter of protection from outside influences. Parenting in phase one is like circling the wagons, but it serves to confine a child's nature until he is able to create his own perimeter of self-control that will protect him from hostile outside influences. 

Keep in mind that young children, especially toddlers, can act in ways that drive parents batty. For example, at the beginning of this transition, toddlers clearly act impulsively out of their natures. That’s because children do not possess any sense of right and wrong, justice or tyranny, nor are they always able to separate being safe from being sorry. They do not care how much your coffee table cost or why striking a Superman pose while standing in the middle of it should bother you. Toddlers do not live in a world of right and wrong; they live in a world of personal satisfaction fueled by a self-driven impulse that has no moral or health and safety alignment. 

That means In phase one, parents are first trainers (birth to three years of age), and once the child's conscience develops, Mom and Dad become educators. I make this distinction between training and educating because pre-toddlers and toddlers have the capacity to be trained but not the capacity to understanding the purpose, i.e. the longer term benefits of training. But children between three and seven begin to grasp the broader meaning, health and safety and social implications of their daily decisions. As a result, parents can begin to educate the child as to the  'why' behind their instructions, and a child can begin to regulate his or her behavior based on a new understanding of 'why' they should do or not do certain things. 

Okay, if I haven't confused the issue too badly up to this point, let break down what exactly is going on in this phase. It can be best explain by looking at the six major transitions within phase one. Again, I will pull from the Toddlerhood Transitions book which speaks to these transitions. 

"There are several transitions children and parents will pass through during the pilgrimage from the toddler months straight to the middle years, (eight to twelve). The word transition implies a process of maturing where old ways of doing things give way to new understanding and improved patterns of conduct. The six major transitions starting in toddlerhood include:

1. Nature to Will Transition: A child does 'wrong' as a result of his 'me, 'myself' and I' nature versus the child willfully choosing between right and wrong, because the child now understands the 'why' of right and wrong.  

2. Training to Educating Transition: Training teaches the how of behavior, (what right responses look like). Educating teaches the why of behavior after a child is old enough to gain understanding. 

3. Boundaries to Freedom Transition: This is the establishment of external limitations that are gradually replaced by personal self-restraint. 

4. Compliance to Obedience Transition: Following instructions simply because authority said so, versus yielding because of a growing understanding of the virtue of obedience that has the child's welfare at heart.

5. External to Internal Motivation Transition: Applying outward pressure to conform a child to do what is right is eventually replaced by internalized principles that motivate him to do the right thing. (Parents should be spending a lot of time educating in this season, meaning putting "understanding" into the child). 

6. Authority to Influence Transition: The need to lead by parental authority gradually transitions to leading a child by parental influence. (This can begin by the middle of the coaching phase.) As a child grows and increases his understanding of virtues, the 'need' and 'necessity' of external contra,l (authority) that insists on those virtues and values, begins to diminish." 

My summary thoughts follow. Parents are busy in every phase but very busy in phase one because of all the transitions they have to work through. That is why we encourage order, routine, and structure in a young child's life, because it allows Mom and Dad to be proactive in their training rather that reactive. In the early years, parents are not the child's 'big buddy' but their parent. Friendship, (phase four), is the relational goal of your parent not the starting point. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Four Phases of Parenting (Childwise)
• Leadership Phase
• Childwise Index

Parental Authority

What is your authority role as a parent? I really thing Tedd Tripp puts it well in his book Shepherding a Child's Heart in the introduction.

He starts off by pointing out some parents don't actually want to be parents (they do it because they "should") and some parents think quality time is good enough (it isn't).

Some of these parents, along with others who love being parents and spend lots of quantity time with their children, "live in mortal fear of adolescence. Parents of teens continually remind them their day is coming" (page xviii). Sidebar, I remember when I was 11-12 and people would ask me constantly if I was going to be a good teenager or not. Or they would comment on what a great teenager they thought I would be. I mean, constantly. I was so confused by it all. Why wouldn't I be a good teenager? And I think I was an awesome teenager, for the record.

We don't need to fear "the teenage years." The trick is figuring out the right balance for authority. We should be kind. We should look to Christ as the ultimate example of how to be an authority. Christ served those he was in authority over, and He was willing to lay His life down.

We, as parents, have a charge to be an authority for our own children. Now for one of my favorite points in the entire book:

"You must require obedience of your children because they are called by God to obey and honor you. You must exercise authority, not as a cruel taskmaster, but as one who truly loves them" (page xx).

I had never thought of teaching children to obey in that light before. Teach them to obey because they are commanded to obey. I think that is a great thing to keep in mind as we are training our children. 

We will talk more about this idea of you having authority later as we discuss this book. For now, focus on the idea of you having authority over your children and looking to the ultimate example of that. Lead like Christ lead. Also, teach your children to obey in order to help them fulfill their commandments. Let's parent by love, not fear.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• parenting
• leadership and authority
• Shepherding a Child's Heart 

Know When to Use Leadership and Authority in Parenting

Leadership and Authority in Parenting. When and how to use authority and when to use leadership in parenting. Sometimes you let the child decide and sometimes you decide. 

A current "fad" in parenting is to let the child set the pace. Let the child decide what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. What he wants to eat and when and where he wants to eat it. Who he needs to listen to and when he needs to listen. Parents don't want to suppress their children. They want them to explore and blossom. In order to allow their children to reach that potential, they remove their own parental leadership and authority form the picture.

It isn't as though these parents are wishing bad things for their children. They want the best for the children and think this free exploration and lack of parental direction is the way to get there. It really isn't.

This brings us to Childwise Principle #2: Use the strength of your leadership early on and the strength of your relationship later (affiliate link: On Becoming Childwise, page 50).