How to Set Boundaries

Last week, we talked about why you set boundaries with your children. As a quick review, we set boundaries to protect health and safety, and to guide morals. But just how do you set boundaries for a mobile child? And how do you set boundaries for a mobile child who has older siblings around? I can make sure there are not toys in the house beyond the ability of my oldest child, but how do I keep toys age appropriate for the three year old with a seven year old at home?

It isn't just toys. A seven year old can watch shows a three year old can't. A seven year old can participate in activities the three year old can't. A seven year old can handle things around the house that a three year old is not yet able to do.

No matter the birth order of your child, she is going to have things she wants to do that she can't, and as On Becoming Pretoddlerwise puts it, "...he will let you know he is unhappy with you" (page 109). This can be quite startling. Up to this point, your child has been a little sweetheart for the most part. Then he starts protesting and tantruming. Do not let the tantrums drive your judgement on what is appropriate and what isn't. Remember you are the parent, and remember you aren't setting boundaries because you want to be mean. You are setting boundaries to protect the mind, body, and heart of your child.

In setting boundaries, you will be limiting your child's freedom in environment, speech, and choices (page 108).

Physical Boundaries

One thing you can do to set boundaries is to set up physical boundaries. You can strap your child in a high chair to play while you make dinner. You can have your child play in a pack-n-play if you can't watch her--whether you are helping older children with homework or using the rest room. You can use less physically restrictive boundaries and use a blanket as described for blanket time. 

As your child gets older, you can remove actual physical boundaries and give verbal instructions on boundaries. You might have a certain room be off limits for playing in. At our house, my craft room is not to be played in without me in there. I have scissors, pins, and other sharp things I don't want children getting into.

You start with more physical restraining. You might put toys in a tote and up higher than your child can reach. You might have a baby gate, doors closed, locks, playpens, etc. to restrict your young pretoddler from where she should be and play with. 

As your child demonstrates responsibility and ability to obey, you add freedom. You open the door--but the room is still off limits. You might start to allow the child to be in the room with your supervision. These turn from physical boundaries to understood boundaries. 

A Word About Siblings

With younger siblings, always keep in mind that life isn't even. Fair and even are two different things. It is not fair to allow a young child freedoms beyond her ability to handle. It is not fair to deny an older child freedoms just because the younger sibling isn't ready for it. Fair is treating children appropriate for their age. 

That doesn't mean younger children won't complain or "wish" they could do things the bigger kids do. McKenna (3) often says, "I wish I was bigger so I could..." Something I like about that statement is that she at least realizes she needs to be bigger/older before she can do certain things. 

You will also find your older children complain about things the younger child gets to do or doesn't have to do. This is very easily solved. Brayden complained about what McKenna didn't have to do when she was younger. I explained the difference between fair and even, but then added, "If you want to be treated just like McKenna, I am happy to do it. McKenna takes a long three hour nap every afternoon. We can be sure you take a three hour nap every afternoon. She also doesn't get to play video games. We can make sure you don't play video games." And so on. He quickly saw he didn't actually want things to be "even" between McKenna and himself. 

I will be writing more on this topic of fair vs. even in the future because I want to make sure we all really process it. 

Always be mindful of your child's environment. I think the nature of living in a family and being a few years behind an older child means the younger child will often be exposed to things before the ideal age. Do the best you can. We don't live our lives in vaccums, so you can't just isolate the younger child from the influence of an older sibling. You can, however, minimize the impact. 

It would be easy to just not worry about it and let the 18 month old play with the little Legos. That 18 month old will be drawn to them both by the nature of the toy and the fact that big brother spends a lot of attention on those little items. The 18 month old will not appreciate being told he can't play with them, and life would be easier for mom at the moment if she just let him do it. Always remember that what seems easiest right now often leads to more difficulty down the road. If you allow your child too many freedoms, you will at the very least have a battle of wills in the future. You also might find yourself taking your child to the doctor to remove a tiny Lego piece from his nose.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries for your child, no matter the age, is what is best for your child's development. Playing with toys that are developmentally appropriate for your child makes it so your child can learn from the toy, rather than be either board or frustrated. Setting boundaries also helps protect your child's safety and helps protect property. It also helps prevent your child from getting "wise in his own eyes"--also often called "too big for his britches." Your child doesn't need to grow up faster than he should. Childhood is so short in comparison to life; it is not a bad thing for a 15 month old to act like and be treated like a 15 month old. All of the grown up abilities and responsibilities will come soon enough. For now, he can be a child.

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• wise in own eyes
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• pre-toddlerwise 
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Boundaries: Part II--Making Choices {Toddlerwise}

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This is a continuation of Boundaries (Toddlerwise). This post is also posted on Growingkids.org: Boundaries Part II.

Boundaries give us freedom. When we know the choices, the limits, and the consequences, we are able to make a full decision. We are aware of what will happen when we cross the line and what will happen when we stay far from the line. We are free to live our life in the way we really want to.

Our children will grow up. They are growing up each day. The time to teach them about boundaries is now, not later. You train them now while the stakes are low. Most choices they make at the age of toddlerhood are not going to make or break something of huge significance (at least from an adult perspective). We aren’t talking about grades that will affect which college to get in to or committing some crime that gives them a record or worse. This isn’t to say that the things you teach them at this young age are of little importance or that your toddler can’t possibly make a choice that can be detrimental to him. It is to say that giving your child boundaries now will teach him about choices and consequences, so when he has those more important choices in the future he is better equipped to handle them. He will know that consequences are real and will have respect for them.

On Becoming Toddlerwise states that boundaries take on two forms. Physical boundaries and neurologic boundaries. Physical boundaries are important for your toddler. Your toddler lacks the knowledge and life experience to know what can be dangerous and what cannot. These are boundaries for health and safety. Neurologic boundaries are associated with learning. Your toddler is an individual; “…your toddler’s developing brain sets its own boundaries and has its own way of organizing” (Toddlerwise, p.30).

A good way to teach your child about consequences and choices is to put in place your physical boundaries. You have certain things he can’t touch and certain places he can’t go. You have certain times he needs to wash his hands. You also have your neurologic boundaries. There are activities your child doesn’t do yet because he isn’t mentally ready for them. He needs to learn smaller steps to lead up to the activity. You limit his time in front of the television to allow for active rather than passive learning. You guide his curiosity to help him learn rather than letting him wander at will in order to learn. You provide structure, guidance, and proactive teaching. You keep freedoms equal to your toddler’s self-control.

I would like to revisit my illustration on boundaries from the last post. Remember the three papers? Let’s discuss how this might be applied to your child in real life.

SITUATION ONE: I put before you three pieces of paper, each with a different picture on it. I then tell you to pick one, so you do. I then deliver a consequence for your choice.

I think as parents we do this to our children more than we realize. The problem with this situation is that we are delivering consequences to our children without first explaining the rules. In this illustration, they don’t even really know what they are picking. Perhaps you tell your child to choose a shirt for the day. The activities of the day require a dressy shirt, but your child doesn’t know that. He chooses a shirt with Lightening McQueen on it. You are a little stressed because today is a busy day. You become frustrated with his choice and reprimand him. Maybe you remain calm and don’t reprimand him, but tell him he can’t wear his fun red shirt, he has to wear his white polo shirt and he gets upset. You then punish him for getting upset at your instruction. In reality, this wasn’t fair. He started off thinking he was choosing his shirt for the day. He chooses and feels proud of himself for being so responsible. You then reprimanded or chose for him and he naturally becomes disappointed, which earns him more negative consequences.

Here is another possible scenario with this situation. You might tell your child he can finish his show if he wants to before bed. Once the show is over and bedtime arrives, you tell him there is no time for a story tonight because he chose to watch a show instead. He is disappointed because he loves to read stories with you before bed. The problem here is that you didn’t tell him if he watched his show he wouldn’t get to have a story before bed.

Sometimes you might find that you have taken this scenario a bit further. About a month ago, our family went to visit a couple who had just adopted their first baby. I guess I assumed my three and a half year old son would know how to act and what would be expected of him. The couple we were going to visit are good friends of ours. They love children, and having previously had none of their own, they were surrogate children to all they knew. My children love them. My son was very excited to be there and expected the same level of attention he had always enjoyed. He basically got hyper in the excitement. I was disappointed in this. I realized I had expected him to see the choices he had before him and to also choose the correct choice without even telling him those choices were there.

A few days later, we took dinner to this same family. Before we left our home, I sat down with my son and told him the appropriate behavior for the occasion. I told him there was a new baby in this home and we needed to show the baby respect. We needed to speak quietly and we were not to run around. I also brought a few toys for my children to play with to keep them occupied—you know how people don’t have toys for kids before they have kids. This visit went very well. In fact, it took my son about 15 minutes before he even talked because he didn’t want to disrupt the baby. He knew about the choices he had. He also knew the consequences of each choice. I didn’t have to threaten him with any direct consequences to himself; I simply had to explain to him how we show respect in a situation like this.

SITUATION TWO: I put before you three pieces of paper each with the same picture on it.
This situation can actually work well in the young years while you are teaching your child how to make choices and live with those choices.

Something simple to do to teach your child consequences of actions and choices is to give him choices. Of course you want to keep in mind the funnel and not give choices that are beyond his ability to handle them. At first these choices are of little consequence in your eyes. Let’s return again to the example of choosing which shirt to wear. You might choose two shirts you would be happy with, then you let your child decide which shirt he wants to wear. He then has the consequence of that choice all day. You don’t put him in one then change it an hour later when he has changed his mind. He chooses his shirt and then wears it for the day.

As he gets older, you increase his freedoms as he demonstrates ability to handle it. Perhaps you will increase his options to three shirts. Some day, he will be able to choose any shirt he wants to. Eventually he will dress himself. I have watched my son through this process. Some days I choose everything he wears–I do this for things like family pictures and special occasions. Other days, I choose either the pants or the shirt. Others, I let him choose it all. On those days he always asks me if what he has chosen matches. He has grown bit by bit and learned along the way.

This situation becomes a problem when you don’t expand the freedoms as your child grows into them. As we read in the –wise books, doing this creates frustration in the child. In summary, this situation can be useful in the young toddler years, but can become a frustration to your child if you do not expand freedoms as appropriate. You want to expand his freedoms so he can practice making real choices as he is able to handle them.

SITUATION THREE: I place the three different pictures in front of you, but this time, I explain that each picture has a different consequence. One is positive, one is negative, and one is neutral, but I don’t tell you which is which.

For this, perhaps a parent will say “Yes, you can have a treat from the refrigerator, food cabinet, or dish of fruit on the table.” The child selects a Popsicle from the refrigerator and the parent punishes the child for that decision. Perhaps the parent tells the child the Popsicle is unacceptable so he will have no treat. The parent wanted the child to choose a piece of fruit since it would offer the most nutritional value. The child had no knowledge of what consequences each option would bring him.

SITUATION FOUR: I put before you the three different pictures and tell you the first one will earn for you a piece of candy. The second one will cause you to lose a piece of candy. The third will do nothing.

This situation offers the child the options for a choice, then tells him what will happen with each choice he makes. This is the most ideal situation for you and your child. It gives him the option to choose while having full knowledge of what the consequence, good or bad, is of each choice. This is the situation that fully teaches him about his ability to make choices. It teaches him that consequences are a reality.

Boundaries are important. I know that many parents today cringe at the thought of putting limits on their child. They worry about stifling creativity and learning ability. They look to the future and all the rules that will have to be followed and don’t want to start that earlier than they have to. “Let kids be kids.” But not giving boundaries is a great disservice to your child. Without physical boundaries, he can get hurt. Without neurological boundaries, he won’t grow in intellect as quickly and he could otherwise. Without boundaries he will not grow as a person. He will not learn about consequences. He will have expectations of the world that the world simply isn’t willing to give back; only his parents are willing to bend over backwards for him. Help your child to learn and grow as much as possible by placing the necessary boundaries on him now.

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How to Give Your Toddler Boundaries

Your toddler will not thank you for placing a boundary in her life. At least not verbally. She will likely start with some resistance. Over time, she will thank you with her attitude and disposition. This post discusses the need for boundaries and illustrates why you should give boundaries and how to accurately give your child real boundaries.

As our little babies move into toddlerhood, it is important as parents to accept the need for boundaries. Boundaries can have a negative connotations, but in reality, boundaries are not bad. Boundaries show us our limits. They let us know how far we can go. They in effect give us freedom. Every act has a consequence, and the boundaries help protect us from consequences or reward us with consequences, depending on the action.

When I think of boundaries, it takes me to our ability to make choices. As humans we all possess the capacity to choose what we will and will not do. This ability should be used responsibly, however, because we are always free to choose our actions, but not always free to choose the consequences of those actions. For example, we have laws of the land to obey; if I choose to speed in my vehicle, I must accept responsibility when I get caught for speeding. The best case scenario for speeding would be a ticket from a police man. A worst case would be taking the life of another as a direct result of my speeding. Free will represents the human capacity to choose, while wisdom reflects our judgment in choice. Our children are born with the first, but must be taught the second.

There are also moral laws and family laws to obey. With family laws, you have rules in place for your family. Perhaps there are certain words or actions you don’t allow to be said and done in your family. Life is full of boundaries, but we arrive at those boundaries, and test those boundaries, through our free will. Through these tests we can learn the benefits of respecting our boundaries and the negative effects of pushing, or disobeying, those boundaries.

What are the implications of free will and boundaries for parents? This article discusses the essence of what free will is when it comes to parental instruction and training with toddlers and preschoolers. In part two, I will to speak to the value of boundaries in the life of children.

First, what is the relationship between free will and boundaries? Here is an illustration that I have found helpful.

I put before you three pieces of paper, each with a different picture on it (what the picture is of doesn’t matter). I then tell you to pick one, so you do. After you have chosen a picture, I deliver a consequence for your choice. Did I really provide you the freedom of choice? No, not really because I withheld from you pertinent facts required for you to make an informed decision. You didn’t have a full understanding as it related to your choices. Now, let’s say I put before you three pieces of paper each with the same picture on it. Again, you are not able to practice free will in decision making because your choices are all the same.

For a third time I place the three different pictures in front of you, but this time, I explain that each picture has with it a different consequence. One is positive, one is negative, and one is neutral, but I don’t tell you which is which. Again, this is not allowing for your free will to operate fully because I am still withholding some facts. You do not have the full knowledge necessary to make a wise decision. Finally, I put before you the three different pictures and tell you the first one will earn for you a piece of candy. The second one will cause you to lose a piece of candy. The third will do nothing. I then ask you to choose one. Now free will is operating within the confine of established boundaries. You know your choices and the consequences that will follow. The boundaries now have meaning beyond simply a limitation.

How do these examples relate to child training? Our children, like us, possess this freedom to choose. All day long, they are making choices. As parents, our goal is to help instill within our children a sustaining wisdom that will help them make good choices for themselves and those around them, now and in the future. To achieve this, we must make sure that our instruction and council present the element of reward for wise decisions and the consequences for foolish decisions. In this way we become partners with their free will as we help mentor our children in wise decision making habits. My next article on this topic will give examples on how to put this idea into practice.