How to Develop Unity In Your Marriage

In a church lesson once, we learned that 1+1=1. Huh? Was the teacher really bad a math? No. He was talking about the marriage relationship and how we should be one. Genesis 2:24 commands husbands and wives to be one. I am a person who believes that when I obey the commandments of God, I am happy--truly happy. I also believe that the Lord gives commandments for our benefit. So when I read this commandment to be one, I believe that if I do this, I will be happy and it will be for my benefit.

How do we become one? How do we take two people who were raised by different people, who have different customs, different likes and dislikes, different quirks, different strengths and weaknesses and become one? Here are some ideas.

Become Equal Partners and Value Each Other As Such

In our marriage relationship, we must be equal partners and value each other for what we have to offer to that partnership. Now, I don't think being equal partners means we each do the exact same things. If you are business partners with someone, you don't both have the same tasks. You take on roles to fulfill. I think this is also true for a marriage relationship.

Decide which roles each of you want to fulfill to make your partnership work best. There will be times you will help each other with roles. There will likely be some roles that you both do. For example, you might both take care of the children while both of you are home. Maybe for the bedtime routine, one of you puts on or watches over the putting on of pajamas while the other brushes or watches over the brushing of teeth. Maybe one reads stories; maybe you alternate nights reading stories. Whatever it is and how you do it, make it work for both of you. Then view each other as equal partners. One person should not be the subordinate to the other.

As equal partners, work together to make sure your family has prayer, scripture study, and attends church as you desire. Work together to meet the goals you set in these areas. As partners, plan family activities together and work as a team around the home.

Work together as partners over the finances. I will discuss finances in further depth in a later post. For now, just focus on being partners over the finances. Divide the work as you see fit. Maybe one of you is better at tracking expenses. Maybe the other is better at foreseeing expenses and outlining a savings plan. Make sure you keep each other "in the loop" as to what is going on, and make financial goals together--as a team.

Finally, here is an important idea for becoming equal partners: decide on household rules together and agree on how to discipline children. You want your children to see their parents as a unified front. This whole process is harder in practice than it looks on the surface. Sure it sounds like a good idea, but it takes effort to implement.

You and your spouse grew up with different rules. You grew up with different life experiences. You are each going to take these experiences with you as you enter your role as parent. There will be things you definitely want to emulate from your parents. There will be others you want to completely avoid. You might find yourselves faced with one of you wanting to do something and the other one adamantly against it. Remember the idea to train in times of non-conflict with your children? Try to discuss these issues with your spouse in times of non-conflict. Make your decisions before you have to put them into practice.

Of course, there will be times when one of you is home alone with the children and you need to respond to a situation that might not have been previously discussed. It is hard (impossible?) to anticipate every move that will be made by your children. Try to keep each other informed as much as possible of actions made throughout the day. Remember, you are partners.

Get To Know Each Other...and Accept Each Other

I think it helps tremendously if you get to know your spouse. Get to know what makes him tick. Why does he do what he does? What does he like? What does he dislike? What are his motivations and goals? What life experiences have gotten him where he is today? What are his strange quirks (you know he has them!)?

Marjorie P. Hinckley said of her first year of marriage:

"We loved each other; there was no doubt about that, but we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has to get used to each other. Early on I realized it would be better if we worked harder to get used to each other than constantly try to change each other."

As we get to know each other, we need to work to accept that. Love them for who they are. That doesn't mean each of us becomes stagnant and never tries to improve ourselves. What it means is we try to improve ourselves, not each other :)

Complement Each Other

I think this is one of the most amazing thing about a marriage. As one person, you have a lot of flaws. All of us do. Sure, we have our strengths and maybe we are pretty neat overall, but we still have a lot of flaws. So does our spouse. Our spouse has a lot of flaws. We get to know these flaws better as we come to know each other.

Now comes the amazing part. If you take a look at your flaws and weaknesses, you might notice that a lot of those happen to be strengths of your partner. Many of your strengths are the opposite of the weaknesses of your spouse. As one person, you are quite incomplete, but as a couple, you are a lot closer to completion. Sometimes, traits might be neither strengths or weaknesses in general, but can act as one or the other in certain situations. We can also help balance each other out in some of our

extreme tendencies.

Think or your strengths. Now think of those of your spouse. Go ahead. Think about it. I will wait :)

I will give you some examples from my marriage. First, an easy one. My husband is very good at math. I am very good at communication and English skills. Together, we will be able to help our children with homework in a more rounded way than we could alone. If I were solely in charge of helping with homework, math would start to suffer--probably sometime late in elementary school :).

What about some differences that aren't really a strength or a weakness? My husband is a very outside the box thinker, while I am more in the box. Both ways of thinking can be good. Only looking at situations one of the ways can make things more difficult. My husband comes up with great ideas and is great at problem solving in new ways. But a lot of the times, he doesn't see the tried and true simple way of doing it. I am great at thinking up all of the best ways something has been done and is usually done. But a lot of time times, I can miss out on new ways of doing things because I am so focused on what the rules are. Together, we are able to come up with really good ideas and implement them in the easiest way possible. He doesn't have to reinvent the wheel and I can get fresh ideas.

My husband is also very spontaneous and not a planner in the least. Everyone who knows me even a little knows I plan far in advance and plan things very well. These traits can obviously conflict at times; but it is fun for me to learn to be spontaneous at times (even if it causes me stress) and my husband has seen the value in planning ahead. We help to bring each other to middle ground instead of on far extremes.

Be Loyal To Each Other

What does loyal mean? Do you think of words like faithful, true, and trustworthy? When you think of being loyal to each other, what categories do you apply loyalty to? I would guess there are many who think of loyalty only on a physical level. Yes, that is a good form of loyalty, but definitely not the only one.

I believe you need to be loyal in all areas of life. I believe you need to make sure that no job, no hobby, no friend, no family member, no TV show, etc. takes precedence over your spouse. Your spouse is number one. What does this mean? This means you might make sacrifices in order to be there for your spouse when needed. This means you are willing to listen to your spouse even if there is a really good show on TV at the moment. This means that you don't complain about each other to friends or your mom.

I have a friend who married a man with a really wise mom. This man once went to his mom early in their marriage. He started complaining to his mother about his new bride. His mom told him not to talk to her about his wife like that ever again. She wouldn't listen to his complaints. I think that is a great mom!

Now, I think loyalty needs to be applied with respect for each other. Say you really want to talk to your spouse about something, but you know how much he loves XYZ show. You could pout and inform him that if he were truly loyal to you, he wouldn't watch the show, he would talk to you. However, you can probably wait until after the show to talk to him. Sometimes, you won't be able to wait, and in that case, he can miss XYZ show. Loyalty doesn't mean you have no other friends or hobbies. You still need to allow each other to have hobbies, but the hobbies don't trump the marriage relationship.

I think a good rule to live by is to spend your time and efforts more concerned for the well-being of your spouse than for yourself. If you both do this, you will both be happy! Not only will you be less concerned with your own happiness and thus less selfish, you will both be working to make sure the other person is happy, so needs of both of you should be met.

Work to be unified--yes, it takes work. Pray for each other and with each other. Value each other as equal partners. Get to know each other and accept each other as you are. Work to mesh your strengths and weaknesses to create one strong front. Be loyal to each other and love each other. By doing these things, you can be unified and help your family to be happier and stronger.

Ideas for this post taken from the Marriage and Family Relations manual as well as my own head.

RELATED BLOG LABELS:

• Marriage

Strengthening Marriage

This is my latest post for GrowingKids.org.

The marriage relationship is very important and fundamental to the health of the family. I have yet to read a parenting book that states that parents should put the child first (I am not saying there isn’t a parenting book out there that says that, but I haven’t read it). Everything I have read has said to put your spouse first. For those who are divorced, these books discuss the importance of creating a united front for your child. A healthy relationship between the mother and father is very important for children.

Putting marriage first is highly stressed in the On Becoming series. The first topic discussed in On Becoming Babywise is the importance of family relationships, stressing the relationship between you and your spouse. The placement of this chapter should stand out to you. It wasn’t placed at the end of the book as an afterthought. It is the foremost topic. This is a book written for parents seeking sleeping and eating advice, and yet the authors start off with the marriage relationship. It is that important.

Of course, not all people believe the husband/wife relationship should come first. There are parents who have the conversation and agree to put the children first. I have discussed this further in Put Your Marriage First .

I think that most people who use Babywise/GKGW principles in their home agree that the marriage relationship should come first and be a strong one. Many may wonder how to do this. Sure, you were in love while you dated. As newlyweds, you loved spending time together. It is simpler before you have children. Each child brings a new dynamic to the picture. It is easy for parents to get wrapped up in their children and put their own relationship on hold. Why did it get so difficult?

There is something important to keep in mind. Having a strong marriage relationship takes work. You must give effort to building and strengthening your relationship. Popular advice is to go on a weekly date night. That is good advice, but that in and of itself will not solve all of your problems. I know a couple who did that each week for years, but when the children were all gone and moved out of the house, they faced each other as strangers. They had each put all of their efforts into their children. Yes, they went on a date each week, but they didn’t utilize those dates to build their relationship as a couple.

Here are some ideas for strengthening your bond as a couple:

• Develop Unity: As a couple, you want to be unified. You want to be as one. Be loyal to each other. You need to value each other as equal partners. You and your spouse are two different people. You have different characteristics, strengths, weakness, and abilities. Learn to take the best of each of you to create one strong front.
• Nurture Love and Friendship: You got married for a reason. Nurture your love for each other. Express your love in various ways and show kindness toward one another.
• Have Strength Through Challenges: Challenges will arise, there is no doubt about that. They might be financial. They might be with children. They might be through health or death. Perhaps a natural disaster will come your way. You will experience challenges through simply aging. When these challenges arise, meet them with love and patience, rather than frustration and anger.
• Have Positive Communication: Positive communication is so important in all relationships. Since as a married couple you work so closely with each other, there is great tendency to lose sight of kind manners toward one another. Yes, you will disagree. You are two different people. Yes, you will think the other one is strange and hard to understand at times. You can seek to find the good in each other. Learning good communication skills will help you to make it through any challenge that comes your way.
• Strengthen Marriage through Faith and Prayer: You will bond as a couple as you come together for prayer and show faith in the Lord.
• Forgive Each Other: I am sure you already know there will be need to forgive each other. Your spouse will say something that hurts your feelings. You will do the same. As you offend, seek forgiveness. As you are offended, seek to forgive.
• Manage Finances: An overwhelming majority of marriages dissolve due to financial stress. Work together to manage your finances. This is an important area for each of you to honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses. Working together, you can keep money as little bit of a stress factor as possible.

Each of these ideas is very broad. Each idea could be at least on post by itself (don’t worry, it will be soon J ). Do they seem too simple? They are simple. But they cover all that is necessary for keeping your marriage relationship strong. There is no need to overcomplicate the issue. Applying these tips will help you and your spouse to come together as one, giving a great gift to each other and your children.

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• GFI
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How To Think

Chapter Five in On Becoming Toddlerwise is my favorite chapter in perhaps all of the -wise books. Why? Because it focuses on Why vs. How . Ezzo and Bucknam say that "this chapter might well be the most importannt for many of our readers" (page 63). They label this chapter not as a "how-to" chapter but rather a "how-to-think" chapter.

Why is this important? Why do we need to have a how to think chapter? Why can't we just have a list of "Do X when Y Happens" chapters? Think about it for a minute. Done? Okay, now I will give you my personal list of reasons:

• Think For Yourself: Okay, this isn't my personal reason. This is from Toddlerwise. "The less skillfully you think, the more others will think for you" (page 63). There is a lot of knowledge available out there. There are a lot of differing opinions on how to raise children. No two systems are the same, obviously. If they were, there would be no need for both. When you read several different theories, you run the risk of confusing yourself and creating inconsistencies in your parenting. However, reading different theories can give you a deep pool of knowledge to draw from. You will be most succesful at this if you understand your Beliefs and Goals (Toddlerwise) (found in this chapter) and can problem solve using those beliefs and goals (see Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How ). You must be able to discern what is right for you and your family. No book can tell you that. If you rely on a book, or several books, you will all be confused.
• Children Are Individuals: I have three children. While they all have similarities with each other, no two have been the same. When I had my second child, I had to consciously tell myself that she was not my son. She didn't have the same preferences he did. For example, he hated to be cold. She hated to be hot. I could not treat her as the same baby that he was. My third child is, naturally, also an individual person. I haven't had to remind myself to treat her as an individual now that I have been skillfully practicing that for over two years, but I have recognized that she is her own self. No book can successfully tell you what to do with your individual child unless you write it yourself, and by then it will be after you have problem solved and gotten to know your child. You need to learn how to think so you can take the principles you agree with and want to apply to your family and turn them into reality for your individual child.
• Books Are Short: No book can possibly cover every scenario you will ever encounter. You wouldn't be willing to pay the price for that book--it would cost too much :). If you know the "why" behind what you are doing, you can tailor things to your child as an individual. If you rely on "if X then Y" statements, then you will find yourself in a panic when X happens and the book didn't cover it.
• Children Are Human: Your child is a human, not a math equation. She has emotions and physical pain and a mind of her own. Perhaps "If X then Y" is often true for your baby and for most babies. But along comes a moment when "If X is not Y"--it is actually B, or more acurately, some obscure letter you have never heard of before. Yes, this happens. If you rely on a list of equations, you will often be applying a remedy that is not going to solve the problem. And, interesting to note, that as you progress in mathematics, the problems become abstract. I don't have personal experience with this as an English major, but my husband, the engineer, tells me this is true. So even advanced math is not as simple as "If X then Y." Your child, the human, is more complex than any math problem.
• Bumps Are Normal: Without a doubt, even the easiest baby will come to bumps in the road. As I said, babies are human. Humans are not perfect. Your baby is no more perfect at being a baby than you are at being a parent. If you have bad days, if you make mistakes, rest assured your baby will too. Sometimes bumps are something predictable like a growth spurt. Sometimes bumps might just be because your baby is having an off day for a reason you will never know. The reasons for bumps are as varied as children are themselves. No book can predict all bumps and therefore it cannot tell you what to do in every situation. You need to know the why behind what you are doing so you can access the situation and handle it appropriately.

I hope I have effectively convinced you to learn how to think. If you haven't done so, get your hands on this chapter, The Land of Good Reason, and read it. I think it is even valuable for a parent of a one month old. It will help you see the bigger picture of what you are doing and help you avoid becoming legalistic in your parenting.

***This is my latest article for Growingkids.org: http://www.growingkids.org/2009/06/14/how-to-think/***

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• Index: Babywise Information
• parenting (blog label)
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Childishness vs. Foolishness

On Becoming Babywise II discusses the difference between childishness and foolishness on page 86. Childishness is on accident. It happens because your child doesn't know or understand the rules. It is not because your child is directly disobeying you. Foolishness is on purpose. Your child knows the rules and disobeys anyway. It is important to evaluate if actions are out of childishness or foolishness because your response should be different in each case.

BW II explains it this way: Foolishness is a heart problem while Childishness is a head problem (page 87). The head problem simply needs information. The heart problem is a bigger deal because your child is choosing to do the wrong thing--choosing to disobey. Both require correction, but different methods of correction.

This might seem simple to determine, but if you have a child who makes both childish and foolish decisions, you know that you as the parent often evaluate the situation incorrectly. Usually you are wrong in that you assume a childish action was done in foolishness. This can happen if you assume your child knows rules that haven't been explained. You might assume your child should make connections that he just isn't capable of connecting. Or you might be telling your child to do or don't do something and he just doesn't understand what you are saying. He lacks the vocabulary.

For example, you might tell your child to not run. First, does your child know exactly what running is? Even if he is running at the moment you instruct him not to, you can't assume he will know what running is. He will think through what he was doing and try to figure out what you meant by "run." Many will try to reenact things they were doing when they were told to not run in order to figure that out, especially if they don't know how to say, "What does run mean?" Your toddler will be in the preschool years before he really can use words to clarify something like that. So be sure your child knows what it is you are asking of him.

You will see a lot more of the misunderstandings in the younger months. When your six month old blows a raspberry and splatters food all over you during lunch for the first time, you might touch his lips and tell him "That's a no, you keep your food in your mouth." The look on your face and tone in your voice will tell your baby he has done something wrong, but he won't necessarily know what it was. Some might get it right away while others won't. Those who don't will usually repeat the action like a little scientist, trying to figure out exactly what wasn't okay about what he just did. If you stay consistent, he will figure out more quickly what he did wrong. Your child will continue to be a scientist throughout his life as he grows up and tries to figure out exactly what is expected of him.

One morning we were in our church hurrying to our meeting. Our son Brayden was trying to hurry also, and started to run. I instructed him to not run. He was at an age where he knew just what I was talking about, so he didn't run. He walked really quickly--you know that pace where they are so close to the run--, which wasn't what I considered to be reverent enough for the church either. I might be able to expect an older child to know that if I tell him not to run that means he must also not walk quickly, but definitely not of a child this young. Also, I had made the mistake of telling him simply what not to do rather than adding in what to do. Further explanation helped him to know what it was I was asking of him. His quick walking in this situation was not a defiant action. He didn't think, "I'll show her; I'll just walk quickly then." His quick walking was a childish action. He did not yet know exactly what was appropriate and what wasn't appropriate in the church.

Sometimes you will assume an action that is neither childish nor foolish was foolish. For example, a few days ago my daughter Kaitlyn (22 Months) was sitting on the potty. She reached out and unrolled some toilet paper. This is not something I have ever addressed with her. Brayden never touched it, so it hasn't occurred to me to talk to Kaitlyn about it. This action was childishness. I told her we don't play with the toilet paper. She told me "okay Mommy" then immediately reached up to it again. I started to give her my Mommy Glare and tell her that was a no when I realized she wasn't reaching to play with it; rather she was rolling it back up as it was before she unrolled it in the first place. She was attempting to correct her wrong action. . It is good to wait a moment to know exactly what your child is doing before you jump to your conclusion and start to discipline and correct.

In general, a childish act should get a verbal response from the parent. Tell the child no, explain what was done wrong, then instruct on what to do instead: "That's a no. We don't touch the toilet paper. Keep your hands in your lap." You can certainly add things. If the child made a mess, you can have the child help clean it up. You can have the child correct any wrong that may have been done. Even if something is an accident, it still needs to be corrected. People don't just get to walk away and say, "Oops."

You can be sure an act was foolish when your child has already demonstrated an understanding for expected behavior in that situation. A foolish action will require more discipline. Exactly what you do and how you do it is dependent on the child. The child's age, frequency of the offense, situational context, and the child's overall behavior all factor in to deciding what to do (page 87)--more to come on these factors in a future post. As the parent, it is for you to decide what to do. Be sure to see the many discipline posts for ideas.

Life with children is never cut and dry. Here is a story to illustrate. Brayden loves certain types of blankets. As he has gotten older,we have restricted where the blankets were allowed to be. At one point, they were allowed upstairs, but not on the main level. Then we decided it was time that they must remain in his room. I told him his blanket must stay in his room. He had a day where he left his room with it several times. This might seem foolish, but it was actually childish. He wasn't leaving the room with it having decided to disobey, he just was in the habit and wasn't thinking. The next morning, he left his room with it again. I told him that if he left his room with his blanket one more time, he was going to lose the blanket. I asked him if he understood, he said yes. I told him to leave his blanket in his room, he said "yes Mommy." About 60 seconds later, he declared he needed a tissue and ran out of the room with his blanket in tow.

I knew that this was again a childish action. He wasn't willfully defying me. But I also knew that something extreme needed to happen for him to have reason to remember the new blanket rule. I took the blanket as promised. I have never seen him so upset. He didn't throw a fit, he was just emotionally upset at the prospect of losing his blanket. After a couple of minutes, he calmed down. He knew he had messed up and he was ready to take the consequence.

Later that day, I gave his blanket back. He was very grateful and told me he wouldn't leave his room with his blanket any more. And he didn't. So you can see from this story that childish actions still need correction. And just because the child understands something doesn't mean it is automatically a foolish action.

Make the effort to figure out if your child is being childish or foolish. As you get to know your child, you will recognize cues like a certain glint in the eye when the child is knowingly disobeying. You will continue to misjudge. You aren't perfect. I still misjudge Brayden, who is almost 4. But you will get better at it. Keep these things in mind as you determine if an action is childish or foolish:

• Don't assume your child knows rules. Explain things to your child as age appropriate.
• Don't assume your child will realize that if something is wrong, similar things are also wrong.
• Be sure your child understands what you are telling him.
• Be sure you tell your child not only what not to do, but what to do.
• Observe your child for a moment before assuming he is being disobedient.

This originally appeared on Growingkids.org: Childishness vs. Foolishness.

Related Posts:

• Proactive and Directive Parenting
• Get To Know Your Child's Personality: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/get-to-know-your-childs-personality.html
• Tantrums and Discipline: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/tantrums.html
• Training in Times of Non-Conflict
• "Yes Mom"
• Moral Training: Start Early
• discipline (blog label)
• Babywise II (blog label)

Siblings and the Funnel

This is my latest post on GrowingKids.org: Siblings and the Funnel.

Parenting inside the funnel can be trickier when you have more than one child to consider. Hopefully by the time you have two, you are familiar with the concept of the funnel, but in case not or you need a refresher course, you can see Babywise II: Freedoms or review any of your -Wise books.

So why is it trickier to parent in the funnel with more than one child? Here are some reasons I have found:

• Your attention is spread out more. When you have one child to think about, it is easier to focus on that one child and analyze every reaction and action of that child. The more children you have to think about, the more likely you will miss things. Hopefully your experience will help balance this out, though.
• Your time is spread out more. You might be tempted to let one or more of the children do things they aren't ready for because you don't have as much time as you would like in the day. Correcting takes time.
• Your energy is spread out more. You also need to allocate your energy among the children. Correcting takes time, but it also takes energy. Sometimes you might find yourself wanting to say, "whatever, just do it," even when you know it is not something your child is ready for. I have even had grandmothers tell me with a chuckle that after several children they just let them parent themselves because they were so tired.
• You want to be fair. 4 year old Jimmy gets to do X, and you just know that 2 year old Suzy is going to be really upset if she doesn't get to do what older brother does. Younger siblings love to emulate their older siblings. Or perhaps Suzy does not have the same sitting still requirements as Jimmy, but you don't want Jimmy to feel picked on so you allow him to get away with things he shouldn't be getting away with.
• You parent emotions. I have found that my younger daughter often gets upset when her older brother is disciplined. I am not talking any kind of huge discipline tactic. Even just me giving him the look and speaking firmly is enough to upset her. Some parents might choose to not discipline in order to avoid upsetting a sibling. Some parents avoid letting their baby fuss before a nap because it makes the older sibling upset.
• You expect too much. I remember when I got home from the hospital after giving birth to my second child. I looked at my oldest and thought, "You are huge!" It is easy to compare the oldest or older children to the youngest and expect more than is appropriate of him.
• You expect too little. Conversely, we can often expect too little of our youngest and younger children. My daughter is a couple of weeks shy of the age my son was when she was born. He seemed so old to me at the time, and she seems like a little baby still because I have him to compare her to at the moment. When I think about it, I realize that in many ways she actually acts older than he did at this age (for example, her verbal skills are beyond what his were at this age). I am sure that in about two months when we welcome our third child, she will suddenly seem a lot older.

We have our reasons and temptations for not parenting in the funnel. Let me now implore you to parent in the funnel for all of your children.

• You might do well to picture a funnel for each child. If not, at least realize that each child is in a different location in the funnel. I would imagine it is possible for even twins to be in different locations in a funnel, but for sure two siblings who do not share the same birthday and year are going to be in drastically different places in the funnel.
• Take the time to think through the status of each child. Involve your spouse in this. If Dad is away all day, he is more removed from the situation and can have valuable insight into changes that are happening in behavior. Talking things over with your spouse will help you work things out in your head. This can be done during couch time or before you go to bed (or any other time of day that works for you).
• Work slots into your schedule each day for time alone with each child. Allot the amount of time you can as appropriate. This can give you the opportunity to focus on that one child and her needs. You might do this while one child is in independent play, taking a nap, or at preschool.
• Take time for yourself. Take responsibility for yourself and be sure to get enough sleep at night so your mind can be fresh and focused. Take nights off to spend time alone, with friends, doing service, and having date nights with your spouse. Have friends over so you can have fun with them and get back in touch with yourself. This can help you to have the energy and motivation you need to focus on your children's needs. It also reminds everyone in the family that the child and children are not the center of the universe. Just a part of it.
• Don't hold back privileges from Jimmy just because Suzy would want to do it, too. As your child gets older and starts to compare himself to his friends, he will want to have the "privileges" they do. Chances are many of those friends will have privileges you don't think are appropriate. Teaching your child from a young age that each person needs to earn privileges can help alleviate the disappointment of 7 year old Suzy when she doesn't get her own cell phone. Denying privileges to an older sibling will eventually cause developmental frustration to develop in the older child. Privileges are not a "one-size-fits-all" for the family. Each child is an individual.
• You also don't want to hold back expectations from Jimmy just because Suzy isn't ready to live up to those same expectations. Jimmy is older and will have different responsibilities than Suzy will. You also don't want to expect more from Suzy than she can give. Just as privileges aren't one-size-fits-all, neither are responsibilities. Last night, we were having a family lesson. Brayden (3.5) is expected to sit still on the couch and remain quiet. Kaitlyn (1.5) is expected to stay in the room and remain quiet. Kaitlyn was standing next to the coffee table. Brayden wanted to get down and I reminded him he needed to sit. He replied, "Because she is younger she does different things?" I explained that she had different responsibilities, but also different privileges. I pointed out things he gets to do because he is older and more able to handle certain freedoms, but that along with those privileges came certain responsibilities.
• Don't parent emotions. You need to do what is best for each child as an individual. Don't deny training from one child just because other children are uncomfortable with it. When Kaitlyn was sleep training, I explained the reasons we were doing it to Brayden. I also explained that he did the same thing. He was not quite two at the time. He understood, or at least accepted, what I told him. I also did my best to not expose him to her crying. We would go outside with a monitor or do other things to distract him.
• Don't compare your children. I think this is good advice, but it is hard to do. Try to not compare your children. Treat your child as the individual that he is. He has his own strengths, weaknesses, and talents that are unique to him--and they shouldn't be based on what his siblings are good or not good at. The fact that one child is more advanced in a certain area at a certain age doesn't make one "ahead" or one "behind." The only person we should be compared against is ourselves. Are we better today than we were yesterday? Are we living up to our own potential?

As you consider the funnel, keep in mind that parenting outside of the funnel can appear to be easier in the moment, but it always makes things harder in the long-term. If you parent in the funnel, correction and direction are much easier. You know this. You have experienced the consequences, good and bad, of previous funnel parenting. Keep these possible pitfalls in mind as you now parent more than one child.

Related Posts:

• funnel
• siblings

Boundaries: Part II--Making Choices {Toddlerwise}

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This is a continuation of Boundaries (Toddlerwise). This post is also posted on Growingkids.org: Boundaries Part II.

Boundaries give us freedom. When we know the choices, the limits, and the consequences, we are able to make a full decision. We are aware of what will happen when we cross the line and what will happen when we stay far from the line. We are free to live our life in the way we really want to.

Our children will grow up. They are growing up each day. The time to teach them about boundaries is now, not later. You train them now while the stakes are low. Most choices they make at the age of toddlerhood are not going to make or break something of huge significance (at least from an adult perspective). We aren’t talking about grades that will affect which college to get in to or committing some crime that gives them a record or worse. This isn’t to say that the things you teach them at this young age are of little importance or that your toddler can’t possibly make a choice that can be detrimental to him. It is to say that giving your child boundaries now will teach him about choices and consequences, so when he has those more important choices in the future he is better equipped to handle them. He will know that consequences are real and will have respect for them.

On Becoming Toddlerwise states that boundaries take on two forms. Physical boundaries and neurologic boundaries. Physical boundaries are important for your toddler. Your toddler lacks the knowledge and life experience to know what can be dangerous and what cannot. These are boundaries for health and safety. Neurologic boundaries are associated with learning. Your toddler is an individual; “…your toddler’s developing brain sets its own boundaries and has its own way of organizing” (Toddlerwise, p.30).

A good way to teach your child about consequences and choices is to put in place your physical boundaries. You have certain things he can’t touch and certain places he can’t go. You have certain times he needs to wash his hands. You also have your neurologic boundaries. There are activities your child doesn’t do yet because he isn’t mentally ready for them. He needs to learn smaller steps to lead up to the activity. You limit his time in front of the television to allow for active rather than passive learning. You guide his curiosity to help him learn rather than letting him wander at will in order to learn. You provide structure, guidance, and proactive teaching. You keep freedoms equal to your toddler’s self-control.

I would like to revisit my illustration on boundaries from the last post. Remember the three papers? Let’s discuss how this might be applied to your child in real life.

SITUATION ONE: I put before you three pieces of paper, each with a different picture on it. I then tell you to pick one, so you do. I then deliver a consequence for your choice.

I think as parents we do this to our children more than we realize. The problem with this situation is that we are delivering consequences to our children without first explaining the rules. In this illustration, they don’t even really know what they are picking. Perhaps you tell your child to choose a shirt for the day. The activities of the day require a dressy shirt, but your child doesn’t know that. He chooses a shirt with Lightening McQueen on it. You are a little stressed because today is a busy day. You become frustrated with his choice and reprimand him. Maybe you remain calm and don’t reprimand him, but tell him he can’t wear his fun red shirt, he has to wear his white polo shirt and he gets upset. You then punish him for getting upset at your instruction. In reality, this wasn’t fair. He started off thinking he was choosing his shirt for the day. He chooses and feels proud of himself for being so responsible. You then reprimanded or chose for him and he naturally becomes disappointed, which earns him more negative consequences.

Here is another possible scenario with this situation. You might tell your child he can finish his show if he wants to before bed. Once the show is over and bedtime arrives, you tell him there is no time for a story tonight because he chose to watch a show instead. He is disappointed because he loves to read stories with you before bed. The problem here is that you didn’t tell him if he watched his show he wouldn’t get to have a story before bed.

Sometimes you might find that you have taken this scenario a bit further. About a month ago, our family went to visit a couple who had just adopted their first baby. I guess I assumed my three and a half year old son would know how to act and what would be expected of him. The couple we were going to visit are good friends of ours. They love children, and having previously had none of their own, they were surrogate children to all they knew. My children love them. My son was very excited to be there and expected the same level of attention he had always enjoyed. He basically got hyper in the excitement. I was disappointed in this. I realized I had expected him to see the choices he had before him and to also choose the correct choice without even telling him those choices were there.

A few days later, we took dinner to this same family. Before we left our home, I sat down with my son and told him the appropriate behavior for the occasion. I told him there was a new baby in this home and we needed to show the baby respect. We needed to speak quietly and we were not to run around. I also brought a few toys for my children to play with to keep them occupied—you know how people don’t have toys for kids before they have kids. This visit went very well. In fact, it took my son about 15 minutes before he even talked because he didn’t want to disrupt the baby. He knew about the choices he had. He also knew the consequences of each choice. I didn’t have to threaten him with any direct consequences to himself; I simply had to explain to him how we show respect in a situation like this.

SITUATION TWO: I put before you three pieces of paper each with the same picture on it.
This situation can actually work well in the young years while you are teaching your child how to make choices and live with those choices.

Something simple to do to teach your child consequences of actions and choices is to give him choices. Of course you want to keep in mind the funnel and not give choices that are beyond his ability to handle them. At first these choices are of little consequence in your eyes. Let’s return again to the example of choosing which shirt to wear. You might choose two shirts you would be happy with, then you let your child decide which shirt he wants to wear. He then has the consequence of that choice all day. You don’t put him in one then change it an hour later when he has changed his mind. He chooses his shirt and then wears it for the day.

As he gets older, you increase his freedoms as he demonstrates ability to handle it. Perhaps you will increase his options to three shirts. Some day, he will be able to choose any shirt he wants to. Eventually he will dress himself. I have watched my son through this process. Some days I choose everything he wears–I do this for things like family pictures and special occasions. Other days, I choose either the pants or the shirt. Others, I let him choose it all. On those days he always asks me if what he has chosen matches. He has grown bit by bit and learned along the way.

This situation becomes a problem when you don’t expand the freedoms as your child grows into them. As we read in the –wise books, doing this creates frustration in the child. In summary, this situation can be useful in the young toddler years, but can become a frustration to your child if you do not expand freedoms as appropriate. You want to expand his freedoms so he can practice making real choices as he is able to handle them.

SITUATION THREE: I place the three different pictures in front of you, but this time, I explain that each picture has a different consequence. One is positive, one is negative, and one is neutral, but I don’t tell you which is which.

For this, perhaps a parent will say “Yes, you can have a treat from the refrigerator, food cabinet, or dish of fruit on the table.” The child selects a Popsicle from the refrigerator and the parent punishes the child for that decision. Perhaps the parent tells the child the Popsicle is unacceptable so he will have no treat. The parent wanted the child to choose a piece of fruit since it would offer the most nutritional value. The child had no knowledge of what consequences each option would bring him.

SITUATION FOUR: I put before you the three different pictures and tell you the first one will earn for you a piece of candy. The second one will cause you to lose a piece of candy. The third will do nothing.

This situation offers the child the options for a choice, then tells him what will happen with each choice he makes. This is the most ideal situation for you and your child. It gives him the option to choose while having full knowledge of what the consequence, good or bad, is of each choice. This is the situation that fully teaches him about his ability to make choices. It teaches him that consequences are a reality.

Boundaries are important. I know that many parents today cringe at the thought of putting limits on their child. They worry about stifling creativity and learning ability. They look to the future and all the rules that will have to be followed and don’t want to start that earlier than they have to. “Let kids be kids.” But not giving boundaries is a great disservice to your child. Without physical boundaries, he can get hurt. Without neurological boundaries, he won’t grow in intellect as quickly and he could otherwise. Without boundaries he will not grow as a person. He will not learn about consequences. He will have expectations of the world that the world simply isn’t willing to give back; only his parents are willing to bend over backwards for him. Help your child to learn and grow as much as possible by placing the necessary boundaries on him now.

Related Posts:

• boundaries
• discipline
• gfi
• toddlerwise

How To Enjoy Motherhood More Thoroughly

How To Enjoy Motherhood More Thoroughly. Tips for mothers and fathers to help make motherhood more enjoyable.

I did this post a while back, but I recently tweaked it a bit and posted it on growingkids.org. It is worth repeating, so here it is with some updates.

I attended a church conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints this past April and one talk really stood out to me –and stood out to all mothers I talked to. It was presented by one of our church Elders, M. Russell Ballard and I wish to share some highlights from his message entitled Daughters of God.

“While women live in homes under many different circumstances—married, single, widowed, or divorced, some with children and some without—all are beloved of God, and He has a plan for His righteous daughters to receive the highest blessings of eternity.”

“… I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.”

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.”

“I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being.”

Other Online Babywise Resources

Here are some Babywise resources I have found online:

• GrowingKids.org http://www.growingkids.org/: This site is a great resources where you can find current posts on Babywise principles. Gary Ezzo posts, as does his wife, Anne Marie. There are several other contributors. I have recently been added to the list. I find the site to be very helpful. The post include information from infants on up to teenagers.
• I have started a Yahoo! Chronicles of a Babywise Mom group. It is private, but anyone can join: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/chroniclesofababywisemom/ . As of mid-July 2009, there are 256 members.
• I am a member of another Yahoo! Babywise Group. It is called Ezzo Moms, with 100 members. I think there are other groups available, also. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Ezzo_Moms/
• I am also a member of of a Babywise Group on Babycenter (babycenter.com). This group currently has 218 members, and growing quickly. It is a private group, so you have to ask to join. All requests are granted, but anyone wanting to bash on Babywise will be sent away. This is the most active group that I am involved in.
• Ezzotruth.com (http://www.ezzotruth.com/). From this site, you can read a lot of useful infomormation on the facts of Babywise. It also addresses critics of Babywise material.

I am sure there are many other helpful sites and groups out there for Babywise moms. If you know of any, please feel free to add them by commenting to this post. If you aren't a member of any, please feel free to join. It is always helpful to have many minds helping you problem-solve.

Reader Comments:

• jahanschen said...
  If you are on Facebook, there is a good Babywise discussion group called I Love Babywise. It is an open group, but that ask that people who wish to bash BW stay on their own forums.
  February 5, 2008 10:56 AM
  Plowmanators said...
  Thanks, I appreciate the added information. It is nice for BW people to know where to go when they want positive help!
  February 5, 2008 12:51 PM

Reader Questions:

• Salina said...
  where do you go to get on the yahoo group? I tried to look it up, but wasn't sure.
  February 7, 2008 7:38 AM
  Plowmanators said...
  1. Go to Yahoo.com2. On the left side of the page, you will see a list of links. Click on the Groups link.3. This page will allow you to search for a Yahoo group. Type in Babywise and hit search.4. The group is called Babywisemoms (the third one down when I search). Click on the link. 5. You will then be at the Babywise Moms Group home page.
  February 7, 2008 9:48 AM