Why I Don't Let My Children Fight

Siblings fight, right? That is to be expected. The question is, how much is normal, and when has the fighting gone too far? The even bigger question, as a parent, is how much should you allow because it is "normal" and at what point should you step in and mitigate.

With my children, I simply don't allow full-on fighting. I treat any fight between my children as I would between my child and a friend who was at our house to play. I just don't allow it. Disagreements? Yes. Fighting? No. Differences of opinion? Absolutely! Name calling? No. Physical aggression? No. "I'm not your best sister anymore." Nope.

"A more loving world starts with a more loving home."

Living with people really highlights how annoying they can be. That's why when people get married and the honeymoon phase wears off, they start to find little things annoying. That is why staying in close quarters for a long family reunion can wear patience thin. That is why there is a stereotype about family fights at holidays. It is normal to have less patience with people you are constantly around.

But that doesn't mean we should just let our tempers loose on each other.

Just because it is "normal" to have less patience doesn't give us the right to be unkind toward others.

We have had the same private swim teacher for over 5 years. For most of those years, she has taught my children year round. A week ago, she commented to me that Katilyn and McKenna were bickering during the lesson that day and she had never seen my kids fight before. I love that it took 5.5 years for her to witness my children fighting! I fully believe that my requirement to have my children make an effort to get along has led to them rarely fighting.

This doesn't mean they always agree or that there are always sunshine and roses at our house. In fact, as I write this, I can hear McKenna and Brinley discussing who gets to be which character in a game they are playing. They are both frustrated and upset as they discuss. There is no yelling, however. There are no tears. There is no hitting and no declarations that the friendship or sisterhood is over.

Those things sometimes happen, and when they do, I step in.

But so long as it is a discussion, even if they are both feeling emotional about it and it gets heated, I will not step in. I allow them to practice and learn conflict resolution. Those are skills they need in life. I have no problem with conflict or differences of opinion in our home. I have a problem with them practicing how to resolve conflict in unhealthy ways.

When things get overly heated and my children get to a point of real fighting, I step in. I help them talk through the issues. I help them work to see the point of view of the other person. I explain why the tactics used were not kind nor appropriate. I work with them to learn appropriate conflict resolution skills. I expect those skills to be used not just out in public, but also at home.

If my children can learn to be kind and gracious toward their siblings then they will be able to extend the same kindness and grace to the world at large. It is often said that we treat our family, the people who live with us, the worst. We put our best face out for the world to see and give our family the leftovers.

I don't want that for my family.

I want us putting our best face toward everyone. I want our faces in public and at home to all be genuine. I want our kindness outside of our home to be the same kindness we practice inside our home.

I also want my children to be fully comfortable expressing how they feel and what they think. This is a skill that can be done respectfully. To disagree does not mean to fight. It doesn't mean insult or name-call.

Can you imagine how the world, and especially Internet, might look if people out there believed and practiced that? If they were able to express their opinions and thoughts, and do it in a way that was kind and respectful toward others?

"A more loving world starts with a more loving home."

We cannot hope for a kind society without cultivating that in our homes first. It all starts with our individual families. We, the parents, must teach our children these skills. It starts at home and it starts with us.

If you would like some concrete ideas for how to respond when your kids fight (because they will!), read How to Respond to Siblings Fighting. If you are having trouble with siblings living harmoniously, see my problem solving in The Perfect Hugging Policy for Siblings. 

How to Respond to Siblings Fighting

When your children fight, you might not know how to best respond. You don't want to create bitterness among the siblings. You also want them to learn to solve problems without your intervention. This post outlines tips on how to respond when you children fight.

The best of times and the worst of times. Sibling relationships are like that. Lots of good. Plenty of bad. The good warms your heart and the bad warms your blood pressure.

The question parents encounter is "What do I do when my kids fight?" Do you intervene or do you let the children settle it themselves? Do you ignore it? How do you respond to tattling? None of these questions have simple, quick black and white answers, but I hope to give you a guide in how to handle quarrels among siblings. This advice is based on how we respond to fighting at our house.

As a bit of anecdotal credibility, I have four children, ages 4-11 (almost 12). We have some fighting, but not much. For the most part, the children get along. One summer at an extended family camping trip, a few days into it my children "finally" had an argument. My cousin was thrilled to see they actually fought sometimes! They do fight at times, but it isn't even a once-a-day thing here. What we do works well for our family.

1-Prevention is First

I am a huge proponent of the idea of "prevention" for any problem you are facing (or concerned about facing someday). The first step to managing fights among your children is to prevent them. Sounds nice, right? 

One way to do prevent fights is to teach your child to love others (see my post Moral Training: Love). While children are naturally loving creatures, they are also naturally selfish (aren't we all!). Teaching your child how to think of others and ways to show love toward others is a very helpful and positive step in helping your child get along with siblings. Along the same lines of loving, foster a friendship between your children. Your children will be more motivated to work toward getting along if they are friends and not just siblings.

You can prevent by teaching your child how to prevent conflicts from happening--or rather conflict resolution in early stages of conflict. When your children disagree, talk about what happened and what could have been done to prevent the fight from happening in the first place. What things should have been done differently? What things should have been said and not said? How could they have been less selfish? Children need to be taught these things. 

You can also prevent by making sure your children are well-rested, well fed, and have a good routine going in life. This is setting your child up for success in playing with siblings. Children are more likely to fight when bored, tired, and hungry. 

2-Establish Rules

This is along the lines of prevention. Establish rules for playing together. Again, children aren't necessarily born knowing how to treat other people (I say necessarily because I have one child who at age 3 showed obvious signs that she understood better than I did how to be a good hostess, so some children are either born knowing things they shouldn't know or pick it up so fast it seems like they were born that way). 

Have rules like "absolutely no hitting each other," or "absolutely no biting." Have clear and immediate consequences when these things happen. I have a zero tolerance policy for physically harming each other. I don't care how mad the other person "made" you. It isn't okay. My kids don't get to play with other people if they hurt them. And while we are on the topic, my children are taught that no one makes them feel or do anything. They choose their reactions to situations.

We have rules on how to treat each other emotionally. I do not allow my children to be rude to each other. I don't even allow things like eye-rolls and exasperated sighs. I expect my children to treat each other with as much respect and kindness and they would treat any person in the world. I don't think, "Eh. That's what siblings do!" No. I teach them that siblings are kind to each other. Siblings have each other's backs. Siblings are people in the world you can count on to love you most and stand up for you. 

We also have rules that activities like wrestling, pillow fights, and tickling are all okay so long as everyone involved wants to be involved. All parties must be consenting. As soon as someone wants to be done, that person gets to be done. We also establish clearly that if you participate in the wrestling party, you will most likely get hurt, and it won't be anyone's fault. 

Establish rules for sharing, also. What are the sharing policies in your home? Decide and explain it to your children. Have clear consequences for when sharing becomes a problem.

3-Wait a Bit

When you hear your children fighting, wait for a bit to see if they can work it out among themselves, assuming they are not physically harming each other. I always give my children a chance to work it out and most of the time, they do. Now remember, I have worked for them to have a positive relationship and I have taught them rules and how to prevent conflict. Now when they have conflict, it is practice time. 

A lot of sibling conflict is short lived and will be resolved quickly if we allow children the chance to work on it. See my post Making Children Mind...Siblings Fighting for more on this concept. But stay close by during the conflict resolution and in ear shot of the conflict. There are times to intervene.

4-Intervene When Needed

Sometimes you do need to intervene. If your children are not working toward a solution and things are just escalating, intervene. If they are hurting each other, intervene. If an older sibling is essentially taking advantage of younger children and "getting his way" unjustly, intervene.

Here is what intervention is not--it is not solving the problem for your children. You don't walk in the room and try to get the full background story and then decide who 'wins' the argument. When you intervene, you help the children solve the problem. In the book Siblings Without Rivalry (affiliate link), the author suggests you describe what you actually see--facts, not value judgments. Help your children resolve by acknowledging the feelings of each child. Explain to each child the point of view of the other child. Children aren't good at doing that and they aren't good at considering the point of view of others. Once you explain it, though, and ask them to imagine themselves in the other person's position, they usually get it. 

"Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences. Children are also entitled to adult intervention when necessary...But here's the difference: We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgement, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other" Siblings Without Rivalry, Chapter 6

Please understand that I fully am okay with my children disagreeing with each other. That is totally life and that will happen so long as they are living. I want them to learn how to navigate disagreements correctly. If they have a disagreement that balloons into yelling, leads to "I'm not playing with you," or leads to physical aggression, I step in and we talk about how the disagreement played out and how it could have been handled better. I expect them to work through their disagreements and come to a consensus.

My family is comprised of 6 people. 5 people like to be in charge. We have only one "yes, sir" person, and that is dad! We have varied points of view constantly with strong feelings behind them. That is great and fantastic! We all need to be able to work together to find common ground.

5-Separate When Needed

Like I said, I have zero tolerance for physically harming each other. If it happens, they are no longer allowed to play with each other for a length of time. They like to play with each other, so this punishment is very suitable for attaining my desired results (don't hurt each other). 

Sometimes I find bickering happens when the children have been playing too long with each other. I try to have independent play time strategically positioned in the day. If I am too late and the bickering is happening, we take a break for room time. After some time alone, the children are usually ready to play nicely with each other again. Balance free play with structured play.

6-Respond to Tattling

I try to not take life too seriously. Something that I find highly grating to my nerves is tattling. Because of that, I need responses to tattling that will help me remain a nice person while dealing with the tattling. Tattling is a delicate issue with children. I want my children to come to me when needed, but I also want them to work on solving their own issues. I don't need to know every time someone looks at another person wrong. 

I have a rule--you may not tell me something in an effort to get the other person in trouble. If the intent is to get the other person in trouble, then the tattler gets the same punishment as the person being tattled on. This works in our home because the kids are for the most part well-behaved and I don't have co-conspirator children trying to get away with things. 

Sometimes when a child tattles, I ask, "What would you like me to do?" and my question is sincere. What does my child think I can do to solve the issue? A similar question I have is, "What have you done to solve this?"

Often times I send the child away with advice on what she needs to do to fix the problem. "Ask your sister to not say that. Explain to her that you feel sad when she does that."

Sometimes I respond to ridiculous tattling (he looked at me!) in an overly dramatic way, "[GASP!] What should we do?!?!? Should we make him wear a blindfold for the rest of the day?" The child always responds to such ridiculous suggestions with a half smile and a "no." Then I move on seriously to, "Then what do you want me to do?" and we work through what can be done to help the situation.

Conclusion

With a little prevention, clear rules, a good schedule, and intervention when needed, your children can learn to get along with each other and learn how to solve issues themselves. Always remember, however, that you are responsible for teaching them how to navigate life. Take the steps necessary to guide your children toward a harmonious relationship.

Related Posts:

Sibling Playtime

Planning Your Schedule for Multiple Children

Meeting Needs of Each Child

Structured Playtime With Siblings 

Helping Siblings Like Each Other

Siblings fight. They just do. It is going to happen no matter how much they get along in general. In a family, you live under the same roof and spend a lot of time together. You see each other at your worst moments. There are bound to be times you do not all get along.  This post contains affiliate links. 

That doesn't mean siblings can't get along and even enjoy each other as children. There are things you can do as parents to encourage a friendship among your children. Here are ideas taken from both NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Bronson and Merryman and Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Faber. 

Have Time to Play Together

Having friends over is very fun, but it is important to also have days and times when the siblings get to just play together--just them. Have time that your children play with each other without your intervention and without friends. You can even schedule this in--see Sibling Playtime and Structured Playtime With Siblings.

Teach Children Conflict Prevention

You don't want to just throw your children in a room together and say, "Play together! Have fun and good luck!" We are the teachers of our children and need to teach them life skills. This includes how to get along with people.

We aren't talking conflict resolution or conflict avoidance. We are talking conflict prevention. A lot of times, parents talk about the right way to respond to conflict with our children. NurtureShock talks about a program designed to help siblings become friends and their focus is on teaching children how to work together to prevent the conflict. "...fewer fights are the consequence of teaching the children the proactive skills of initiating play on terms they can both enjoy" (page 123).

If you have young children, this is an easier concept to work into them. You start young (read Sibling Playtime and Structured Playtime With Siblings.) You teach them to think of the other person and to show the other person love. You teach about taking turns and sharing. 

If your children are older and you are wanting to change something about their dynamic, you do the same, but you have to expect some rewiring. Remember your Training in Times of Non-Conflict. You walk them through scenarios on how they can compromise and work together so they can both have fun when playing.

Let Children Work Things Out Alone

When the conflict arises, you need to allow the children to work things out on their own. If you eaves drop, do it out of their sight. Do not rush in to solve the problem. This is mentioned in NurtureShock and discussed in great detail in Siblings Without Rivalry. "Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences" (page 142). 

YES, you do need to intervene if things are getting abusive either verbally or physically. "But here's the difference: We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgement, but to open the blocked channels of communication so they can get back to dealing with each other" (page 142). Basically, you help be a mediator. 

Personally, at our house, if the kids can't work things out, then they need to take a break from each other. They don't wan to not play with each other, so they do put in effort to work it out. 

Acknowledge Bad Feelings

Siblings Without Rivalry suggests you allow your children to express frustrations and negative feelings about the siblings. The author says, "Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings" (page 49). 

We all need to vent sometimes. I would caution a few things here. Do not join the venting. Also, there is a difference between a vent and nurturing anger. You want to encourage your child toward forgiveness, not on stroking the bitterness and allowing it to grow. 

Think Twice About Books and Shows that "Teach" About Sibling Relationships

This is something I so completely agree with, in any fashion. We have to be careful with media. I love books, and I know books can be very helpful in helping our children work out worries they have, from potty training to a new baby to a big move. 

But you have to be careful what you expose them to. You know the book Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus? I have never liked that. I know it is wildly popular. I have always viewed it as a book that will teach my children to hate the bus and school. It will plant the seed, and if they want to nurture it, it will grow. You can imagine my vindication when I read this in NurtureShock in discussing books that are supposed to teach children to get along. Research has found children fight more when exposed to these books and shows. Researchers said:

"From these books, the kids were learning novel ways to be mean to their younger siblings they'd never considered" (page 126). "The average book demonstrated virtually as many negative behaviors as positive ones" (page 127). 

Ignore Certain Factors

We can make excuses for the sibling relationship. "They are fighting for my attention" "It is because one is a boy and one is a girl" or "It is because they are both girls" or "It is because they are both boys" or "It is because they are too close in age" or "It is because they are too far apart in age." Studies have shown that fights aren't about those things so much as about physical possessions. Teach children to love, to share, to respect property of others, to care about the feelings of others...research shows forcing children to share is not effective, but you can teach them to share. See How to Teach Respect for Personal Property. 

Avoid Comparisons

I think this is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. I don't think we compare maliciously. We do it in awe. How can two people we created, who live in the same house with the same parents and rules, who have the same genetic heritage, be so different? How can they have such different natural talents and abilities? How can they all have such different weaknesses? 

When I was due to have Kaitlyn, Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk in which he said,

"And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that “Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright,” but all Susan will remember is that she isn’t bright and Sandra that she isn’t pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture’s obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are “enough.”"

This is hard people! Very hard. Siblings Without Rivalry agrees. There is an entire chapter on the Perils of Comparisons. "Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate 'Your brother is so considerate' into 'Mom thinks I'm not.' It's a good idea to save your enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child" (page 58). 

This is something I have pondered a lot over the years. A whole lot. I don't think the point is to never compliment children in front of each other--or ever. I think children should learn to recognize and celebrate the good and accomplishments of others. Part of it is to not compliment everyone for the sake of complimenting. I think you can solve a lot by sticking to Praise Effort, Not Results. 

There is another chapter that has similar sentiments in Siblings Without Rivalry. It is titled "Siblings in Roles." 

"Let's be wary of statements like, 'He's the musician in the family'...'She is the scholar'...'He's the athlete'...'She's the artist.' No child should be allowed to corner the market on any area of human endeavor. We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude" (page 98). 

That sounds easy on paper, but is hard. The fact is, people have natural talents and abilities. I have a child who is far more artistic naturally than any other of my children. I have a child is who is far more naturally athletic than any of my other children. These things are there. 

I love the last part of that last quote, though. Anyone can be good at something if they really want to be. Your child might not be the best artist in her class, but if she wants to be great and she puts the effort into becoming great, she can be great. You don't want to dissuade improvement upon skills and talents. 

Know the Difference Between Fair and Equal

This concept is such a passion of mine. I have written on it in the past: 

• Fair vs. Equal

Trying to make things equal among your children will not result in content children. It will result in jealous children. They won't just be jealous of each other, either, but of everyone around them. They will always be comparing and declaring what isn't fair. You will find yourself constantly needing to point out what in their life is "better" than those they are jealous of. That is not a happy way for people to be! It will eat at your soul. 

Siblings Without Rivalry devotes an entire chapter to this topic in "Equal is Less." Do not treat your children "equally." Treat them "fairly."

Conclusion

Your children can be friends and they can get along in general. Yes, they will fight. They are humans. They can be great friends with some relatively easy efforts from you.