To the Mom of the First-Born Poor Sleeper

See those eyes? He kept his eyes like that ALL.THE.TIME.
The kid avoided sleep like I avoid spiders.

Try as I might, Brayden, my oldest, did not nap longer than 45 minutes for months. He didn't sleep through the night until he was old enough I certainly couldn't remember what it was like to sleep uninterrupted. Those days were long and hard. Life was a major shock to go from no child and doing what I wanted when I wanted to never having more than a 45 minute window to do anything without a baby. There were days 7 PM arrived and I realized I hadn't brushed my teeth yet! I worried about the importance of good, solid naps in the development of the brain and desperately wanted to know what I was doing wrong to cause these short naps! I was exhausted, emotional, and taxed. I couldn't help but feel like a failure on some level. I did constant troubleshooting until the day finally came that we reached two hour naps and full night sleep.

Oh sweet mom of your first-born. I know your feelings. I was there once. I kept copious notes of our days. I couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong. I have always been an intelligent person; I scoured the books trying to find the part I was missing. I know how to run an experiment properly to isolate variables accurately. I painstakingly went through everything I could think of. And still, it took me months to figure it all out. 

Let me tell you, now as I look back on that time, I actually have enough distance and hindsight to have gratitude for those months. Brayden did not sleep through the night until he was 6 months old. He did not take two hour naps until 6.5 months old. During those six months, I learned how to problem solve as a mother. I learned it well enough to be able to help people over the internet just getting a paragraph or two of information. I learned the many variables that easily impact sleep. I learned it well enough that I have  been able to write many posts on solving sleep problems. I learned it well enough that my next three children, while all different, were able to be excellent sleepers. I had learned well. I had learned to spot sleep problems and to fix them quickly. I knew what to avoid. I knew what I should adhere to carefully. 

Brinley, my fourth child, has always reminded me of Brayden as far as a baby sleeper. She was by far my best sleeper. I had learned well. My two most similar sleepers were my best and worst newborn sleepers. My most predictable and most erratic. You learn a lot about the intricacies of sleep when you have a baby who is a poor sleeper. Try to recognize the wisdom you are gaining as you try to solve these sleep mysteries. 

A perk of it being your first child is you have more time and mental capacity to dedicate to this one child. Once you have other children, they have needs and you will have concerns for them in a myriad of ways. So I view being able to learn to analyze sleep well with just one baby to focus on as a major perk. I was able to learn what I needed to learn without distractions. 

I know you are tired. I know it would be SO MUCH easier if someone could say to you, "Hey, at six months old, he is going to start sleeping through the night." It would seem far away, but you could hang on with the finish line drawn out. We don't get timelines in parenting. It is part of the learning process. 

Now for the guilt you are placing on yourself. You might be doing something wrong--there might be something you could change that would fix it. I am confident that I could go back in time with Brayden and have him sleeping longer from a much younger age. You might just have a rough sleeper and there is nothing you could do to change it. That is possible.

Here is the most important thing, however. You are doing the best you can do right now. That is enough. You might find someday you had been making a mistake. Learn from it. Don't beat yourself up. You aren't making a mistake intentionally. You have to be able to expect your best because that is what you have to offer. Oldest children are always an experimental process. While I have a lot of wisdom in parenting my current three year old, I am always a first time mom with my current ten year old. That is what makes first-borns the kind of people they are in society. 

I know you can make it. I know it will be a tiring road. I know you will get frustrated. I know you will be tired. I also know if you can learn to be grateful for what it is, you will be happier. I know you are gaining priceless wisdom. I know you and your baby will make it out okay. I know you love your baby in a pure, indescribable way. You care so much. Your baby knows that, too. "This, too, shall pass" and someday you will look back and know it wasn't so bad in the grand scheme of life. Try to enjoy it for what it is now. Try to not stress. You are doing better than you think you are.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Chronic 45 Minute Naps
• 45 Minute Intruder
• Dealing with the 45 Minute Intruder
• Naps: Troubleshooting--Revised and Updated

The Long, Hard Hours of Being a First Time Mom

Being a first time mom was somehow simultaneously the most glorious, rewarding, taxing, lonely, and draining thing I had ever done. Most of us dreamt of being a mother. We imagined what it would be like. When I was a little girl, I spent many hours in my room with my cabbage patch dolls pretending to be a mother. I planned to have 12 children. Having a baby via doll was so fun and serene!

The night Brayden was born, it was serene. Labor had been hard (though I didn't necessarily realize that then--I know now). Despite the efforts of the day, I could not sleep that night after he was born. I could only watch him sleep. What a miracle! Those new hours with a baby are such a miraculous time and you feel very close to heaven (not so much if the baby is whisked away to the NICU--I have had that experience, also). 

Time went on and the hours for sleeping came and went over the weeks with me being unable to use very many of them. The reality of motherhood set in. It was hard. While it was a fulfillment of my dreams and I loved it, my reality turned out to be much harder than my dreams were. I went from basically being able to do what I wanted when I wanted to having my life revolve around a baby. If I was super tired and the baby was up, too bad for me. A surprising difficulty for me was the loneliness. I am an extrovert and being home alone taking care of a baby who didn't even smile much less speak was socially isolating. Oh I loved him. I loved that baby. I loved being a mother. I loved holding that little miracle. But I still felt very alone.

To put it bluntly and non-eloquently, sometimes days just sucked.

I write this to let you young mothers know, it is perfectly normal to find motherhood hard and lonely. It is perfectly normal to watch the clock slowly tick by. The years fly by, but the minutes drag. I remember watching the clock closely. If Nate had to be home later than expected, even fifteen minutes, it was enough to send me to tears. 

That aspect of motherhood does get easier. These days, when Nate walks in the door, I typically think, "Wow! It is time already?" I enjoyed the newborn days of Kaitlyn much more than I did Brayden because I had this little two year old who would talk to me all day long. I also had less monotony. I wasn't just doing eat, play, sleep, repeat...I had a two year old to keep things varied and interesting. I also had gotten into the grove of being a mom and being home all day long and had a million ways in my mind to fill my time. 

I know how hard those beginning months of motherhood are. Keep in mind as you are there that you are doing God's work. The difficulty of it all can really turn you to the Lord like little else. It is a growing time for you spiritually. You will come out more kind, empathetic, loving, patient, selfless, and much, much more. 

Hang in there. You will look back soon and find certain aspects of what it was to be a first time mom quite desirable. You will long for time to just be at home with no where else to be. You will fondly remember those quiet hours at home with just you and your babe. As in any stage of life, try to focus on the good aspects before you. There are always good and bad to each situation and walk of life. Focus on the good of what it is and you will make it through happier and more content. 

Index: First Time Mom

• First Time Mom Reflections...Changing Diapers
• First Time Mom Reflections: Easily Discouraged
• First Time Mom Reflections: In Your Face!

First Time Mom Reflections: In Your Face!

When Brayden was a baby, I really had no idea what I should be doing so far as face time with him. If he was awake, I literally felt guilty--pure guilt--if I was not in front of him and interacting.

I would sing songs, make faces, read books, talk, try to get him to smile, take pictures...I wouldn't do anything but focus all attention on him when he was awake. 

It is no wonder I was so tired and found it hard to get things done...

And the poor kid! He never had a moment of peace! When I think of how overly stimulated he must have been....oh boy. 

As he got older, I came around. I started to implement independent play around 6-7 months. He was not happy to suddenly not be entertained by me at all moments of the day, but he worked up to 30 minutes of playing happily (until he started standing at 8 or 9 months...that story is told in the independent play posts). 

With my girls, I was a lot more balanced. I allowed them to play while I watched and without me being in their faces or even talking to them. I let them have some peace. I knew they would not feel completely neglected if they had only the pleasure of their own company sometimes. They were always very content babies, and I am sure it is largely in part because I didn't spend all of their waking hours in their faces. 

Was anyone else an "in your facer"? 

RELATED BLOG LABEL

• first time mom

First Time Mom Reflections: Easily Discouraged

I think this is something most of us can relate to as first time moms. When Brayden was a baby, I was so easily discouraged. I had a picture of perfection in my head, and when that didn't work out, it upset me. When he didn't take the perfect nap, I stressed. I remember stressing even while I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. If he took a long time to fall asleep at night, I worried. I fretted over if he had enough food or not.

My oh my how I worried.

And where am I today? The other night, it was 9:30 PM and McKenna was screeching with delight in her crib. I turned on the video monitor to check out what was going on and saw her walking around the crib. How did I feel? Stressed? Not even a little bit. Worried? Nope. I laughed. A real laugh. I thought it was funny. I shook my head at her being up so late, then went on with my relaxing.

I have come to learn that the child will sometimes not sleep well. I have come to learn that a normal child sometimes eats one bite at a meal and is "full." And that is all fine. I provide the opportunity. I provide the right atmosphere and do what I can to make these times successful. Then it is up to the child. If I did my part, I will not lose any sleep over her staying up a bit late one night. She will be fine. And I can see it for what it is.

Funny.

If you are a first time mom, do what you can to relax and see the humor in the difficult situations that arise. They will come. Despite your best efforts and best planning, things will not be perfect. You will be so much happier if you can learn to laugh instead of cry. I know that is easier said than done :). If you can manage it, don't feel guilty about it. You might be saving yourself some gray hairs :)

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• First Time Mom Reflections

First Time Mom Reflections...Changing Diapers

Sometimes I look back on how much I have learned since first becoming a mom and really just have to laugh at myself. I have come a long way! Then it struck me; many of you are first time moms and might have a tendency to compare yourselves to me and feel bad. So, I thought it might be fun for me to share some of my first time mom stories with you so you can see that everyone makes mistakes and has things to learn along the way.

This is a story about when we first had Brayden and were in the hospital. A lot of it was kind of a blur for me (unlike my girls). At some point, a nurse walked in and asked us a series of questions, including if Brayden had any wet or poopy diapers. My husband and I kind of glanced at each other, then at her and replied, "No?"

You see, the nurses had taken Brayden out every so often to do some test here and some test there. We assumed they were also changing his diaper for us. Really. We really thought they would be doing that while we were in the hospital. Maybe they were? After that question, we knew we now needed to change his diapers while in the hospital!

Okay, now I must be fair to us. We really didn't know. And, with my girls, the nurses did talk about diapers a lot more and in the case of McKenna told us, "While we had her, we changed her diaper." Of course, this was unnecessary by then because we were seasoned pros and changed her diaper every time she ate--even if maybe she didn't need it. It can be hard to tell with the little newborn and those super absorbent diapers. So we just changed them all the time. We had our routine down. Feed baby. Change her diaper. Let her play if she will. Have her sleep. It is in our blood now.

So go ahead. Have a little chuckle at our expense. We laugh about it often now. We really had no idea what we were doing. We marvel that they just send babies home with first time parents--there should be a quiz or something! ;)