Showing posts with label word to the weary. Show all posts

How To Re-Fuel Mid-Air

Tips for mothers to be able to focus on themselves and re-energize even when life is incredibly busy and crazy. Moms can get some self-care in each day without sacrificing their families with some simple steps.

by Carrie Wiley

Have you ever seen an airplane re-fuel mid-air? Yeah, me neither unless you count that one episode of the West Wing or seen the Focus on the Family movie where they try to refuel the Space Shuttle in the middle of outer space. But we've heard it happens, right?

In motherhood, we often don't have the luxury of landing first, or stopping, to refuel. We eat lunch standing up, we shower when we sacrifice sleep for it, and I KNOW I am not the only one who often goes to the restroom with a "helper".

Taking care of ourselves comes at the sacrifice of something or someone else. Or, at least it feels that way. But while we are talking about airplanes, let me remind you about the oxygen mask theory: you can't help others if you don't help yourself.

So, we don't have the luxury of stopping or landing, but we still need to re-fuel, re-energize and take care of ourselves. Here are some tips to re-fuel mid-air:

Enjoying the Magic of Motherhood

Basically every single week at church, a woman who has entered the stage of being a great-grandmother approaches me and tells me to enjoy the time with my children. I have always taken this advice seriously, so even on those days that are super, super hard, I try to step back and look at the big picture. On the flip-side, I do not guilt myself for having thins about young children or even motherhood that I do not like. I am positive I will not miss every single thing. There are memories we will all be happy to leave behind us.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mother. I played with my dolls and was sure I would have twelve children someday. I have no doubt that I will look back in equal fondness on the magic that was motherhood, allowing time to erase the realities of what it felt like to be utterly exhausted.

I am at a serene moment of parenting. I am still in it, but I also have some space for reflection. I look back on memories with the babies and the pudgy toddler fingers. Those were indeed good old days.

I don't want them to be THE good old days. I want all of the days to have elements I can look back on with fondness. I want the teenage years to be good old, also. I want the years they have grown and I am a grandmother to be good old. When I am a great-grandmother, I want to be able to look back on my time spent in those days with fondness and be able to sigh, "Those were the good old days."

No matter what days of my life I look back on, they have potential to be the "good old" ones. I love the song "Good Old Days" by Macklemore and Kesha.

I wish somebody would have told me thatSome day, these will be the good old daysAll the love you won't forgetAnd all these reckless nights you won't regretSomeday soon, your whole life's gonna changeYou'll miss the magic of these good old days

I love that. All the love you won't forget. You'll miss the magic of these good old days.

There are so many things about young children that are magical. The peace that surrounds a sleeping newborn. The wonder of a toddler. The giggle of a preschooler. The first word. The first steps. The first time you have a real conversation with your child. It is all magical.

Never thought we'd get old, maybe we're still youngMaybe we always look back and think it was better than it wasMaybe these are the momentsMaybe I've been missing what it's aboutBeen scared of the future, thinking about the pastWhile missing out on nowWe've come so far, I guess I'm proudAnd I ain't worried about the wrinkles around my smileI've got some scars, I've been aroundI've thrown some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here nowThose good old days

This. Maybe these are the moments. Been scared of the future, thinking about the past while missing out on now. But I'm here now.

All of these moments in life are moments we can potentially look back and miss. The great trick to life is to learn to love the moment you are in. Love that moment. Live that moment.

See also:

5 Things to Know With a Newborn

Congratulations on your new little baby! Whether you are expecting or recently welcomed your new baby to your home, you probably have some questions about what to expect with a newborn.

Being a new mom is quite overwhelming. Trying to implement Babywise while also trying to figure out how to be a mother presents the parent with a myriad of newness that can lead to the mother to fail to recognize key principles to abide until months have gone by. I know I did it! We can get bogged down in rules and fail to recognize the "why" behind what the rules are. We can miss simple steps that can make life easier for us and our child. In an effort to help new moms avoid missing some key principles, I have created this list of important things for you to know now, before you go any further in your parenting journey.

1-Know the Big Picture

Know what it is you are working toward. What are your goals? What are the goals of Babywise? What can you expect over time? Knowing these things helps you to be willing to be consistent and also allows you to have the courage it can take to be flexible. It helps you through the monotony of it all and can bolster you through the hard times. Part of why a second, third, etc. child can be easier is that moms know that the efforts are worth it, that they pay off, and that stages don't last forever. For your first child, you have to live on faith that those things are all worth it.

Knowing the big picture also helps you to step back and say, "Hey, my baby is supposed to be doing xyz now and is not. What could be the cause?" It can help you to catch problems before they are huge. This is as true of sleeping and eating milestones as it is of gross motor and speech milestones. Early intervention is a powerful thing.

I have some posts to help you in knowing the big picture. They are:

2-Know the Sleep Hierarchy

The sleep hierarchy is something I created in an effort to help prevent parents from driving themselves to the point of insanity during those early months. There are always so many questions of, "Can I pick the baby up if she won't fall asleep? Will it ruin her? Will it ruin all of our effort so far?" Know this hierarchy. Recognize the consistency it encourages as well as the flexibility it allows.

My Sleep Hierarchy For Newborns

3-Know How to Calculate and Evaluate Waketime Length

Understanding waketime length is one of the most powerful tools you can give yourself as a parent. Know what the baseline is for about how long a baby your child's age should be awake. Know the cues to watch for to know when baby is tired. Know the signs for overstimulation--avoid this from happening. Also, know how to keep your baby awake. It can be hard to keep most newborns awake! Understand that waketime length is important enough that it leads to the sleep hierarchy. An overly tired baby will not sleep well and will not eat well and will lead you down a frustrating spiral of no success.

Also know that you are human, you are doing this for the first time, and you will make some mistakes as you figure this out. I made mistakes the fourth time around and believe me, I know this stuff inside and out. You don't write about it, answer questions about it, and apply it for 12 years and not be able to explain it while half asleep. I still made mistakes. You will, too. Guess what? It will be okay. Babies are quite resilient. Give yourself grace, learn from the mistake, and move forward.

4-Know How You Want to Sleep Train

A principle of Babywise is that baby will fall asleep without sleep props. The path you take to get to that goal is not important, however. There are many ways to reach this goal. Know what you are comfortable with and what you will be willing to see through to the end. Follow that path.

5-Know How To Feed Your Baby

There are important things to know when it comes to feeding your baby. Not all of them are inherent. One key thing to know is that you need to keep baby awake and engaged while eating. A baby who naps during a feeding will have a harder time sleeping at nap time (think of yourself if you take a nap at the wrong time--how does that impact your night sleep?). You also want to make sure that you accept and address growth spurts. Growth spurts are normal and are part of a baby's growth--a HUGE part. They are not signs that anything will go wrong. A growth spurt isn't something you fix. It is something you whether, and your baby will go back to "normal" once the growth spurt is over.

These five things to know can help you to have success with your newborn. Keep them in mind and you will fare well!

Other Helpful Posts:

Trust Your Momstincts

I get a lot of self-satisfaction and vindication seeing my children grow up. You see, as they grow older, little quirks I identified in their personalities when they were just newborns have proven to be true. As they get years old, they verbalize what I knew when they were mere weeks old.

Take Kaitlyn, for example. Kaitlyn is now nine years old. When Kaitlyn was a wee newborn, I realized she hated sleeping with socks on. Not just that she preferred to have bare feet, she didn't like socks on. She hated socks. If you have ever dared present a baby in public with bare feet, you know how that was received. "Tell your mom you need socks on." I mean, really? The passive aggressive comments a young mother gets will forever be in my top five biggest pet peeves. You aren't kidding anyone. We both know a newborn can't talk. If you have a problem with the way I parent, let's just talk about it or keep it to yourself.

Anyway...

Today, as the week goes on, Kaitlyn accumulates a sock pile next to her bed. I recently asked her why. "I don't know, Mom. I just can't sleep with socks on my feet. It irks me really bad." What's that you say? You hate sleeping in socks? I know! I have always known! (But I was mostly wondering why the pile on the floor...).

Brinley is another fine example. When she was a newborn, I quickly realized that she slept best with freshly washed linens. As a newborn, this meant her swaddle blanket. She also had a (affiliate link) Merino sleep sack ...that cost somewhere around $140. Yep. As much as a crib mattress. I haven't worn a $140 anything. Well, maybe a coat. Okay, a coat. The sleep sack was magical, though. So magical, and her need for fresh bedding so great, that I strongly considered getting a second $100 sleep sack. People! I didn't. Frugality won. She took a nap or two each week without the magic sleep blanket while I washed it.

This need for freshly washed blankets reigns today. Every few days, she wants me to wash her blankets. I do it once a week, but I am asked much more often than that. You can still strongly smell the detergent smell on her blanket and she asks for it to be washed because it "stinks."

What is my point?

My point is to trust your momstincts. Your "gut." That feeling that tells you what your child likes, wants, and needs. That when that family member makes passive-aggressive comments about how you are doing it all wrong, you don't give credence to the comments. You live in confidence that you know your child and that your child does indeed prefer it that way. You know what is best for that individual child.

Some day, you too have the satisfaction of being proven right by your children. You might like that so much that you smile whenever you see a pile of socks on the floor, just like I do.

Related Posts:

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How Babywise Prepared our Twins for Preschool {Guest Post}

By Emily T. Miller
My twins are now 4 years old. Today was their first day of preschool. As I waved goodbye and blew
them a kiss, I knew they were prepared to take on the classroom. I have Babywise to thank for so many reasons! “Train up a child in the way he should go” Proverbs 22:6

Schedule – Thanks to Babywise, our twins have been on a schedule since day one! Even now, at age four, they love operating off a routine. They can predict what their day will look like, and as a result be confident and secure. They know when we expect them to get up, eat breakfast, have free time, clean up, rest time, etc. To this day, both of them take a two hour long afternoon nap. I believe they thrive in knowing what to expect from their day and can operate independently knowing what their schedule is! They can anticipate what comes next, and mentally prepare for it without our prompting. I believe this will serve them well in preschool as they adapt to a new routine.
2. Obedience – Thank you Babywise for helping us instill obedience in our twins. Babywise reinforces the principle “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Babywise reminds parents to be clear, concise, and consistent. Just like having a predictable schedule, our twins learned what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Yes, they tested us, and yes we had to do a lot of reinforcing, but if you remain consistent in what obedience looks like they will catch on. They learned and are still learning that decisions have consequences. At school, I believe they will operate off a similar system (a set of classroom rules) and that similar behavior will be expected: kindness, respect, sharing, etc. I’m confident they will respect their teacher, just as we expect that of them at home.
Independence – Thank you Babywise for helping us value the gift of independence! I’ve seen many parents fall into the trap of needing to be the center of their child’s world. It’s easy to fall into, a sweet snuggly baby comes to your home, and suddenly they become the center of your world. It could have so easily happened with bringing two babies home. We could have let them set the schedule. Thanks to Babywise my husband and I didn’t lose each other when the twins entered our world. We didn’t let them sleep with us or even in our room. I valued sleep too much to give that up. Once our schedule was established, we knew each night when they would go to bed and we would have time for us as a couple. We knew when we could have uninterrupted conversation, and we knew we could entrust them with a sitter because their behavior and schedule was predictable. It has allowed us great freedom. I believe Babywise was a constant reminder for us that our end goal is to prepare our children to be independent, that was the mindset we have tried to parent with since day one. We are building for the future. With our end blueprint in mind, we want our twins to be independent, productive, Christ-centered individuals. I was ready to let them fly this year, because I knew they were ready!

Thank you Babywise for teaching not just our twins, but us as parents! As they start preschool today I
know they are well prepared for what the future holds! Emily blogs at http://alwaysanem.blogspot.com/

Related Posts:

To Preschool or Not?

Baby Standard Time

The years fly by, but the minutes crawl. That very accurately describes life with a baby for me. If you watch my weekly Facebook live videos (which I do every Monday!), you will often hear me talk about Baby Standard Time.

Baby Standard Time is a term I use to describe those early months with baby. When one minute feels like one day. One day feels like one month. And one month feels completely overwhelming.

To me, the next three weeks will go by in the blink of an eye. School starts in three weeks and that seems too soon for me! To a mom with a two week old, however, three weeks seems like an eternity! When I say, "Hey, in three weeks, you can let that baby sleep as long as baby will. You don't have to worry about waking baby up in the night anymore," it doesn't sound encouraging. A mom with a newborn doesn't think, "Oh! Only three weeks?!? Awesome!" A mom with a newborn basically stops thinking when the phrase, "In three weeks, you can..." is uttered. Three WHOLE weeks? Panic. Deep breaths.

When I tell a mom that a phase will only typically last X amount of time, it is not reassuring. The rough days crawl by. Time creeps by. It seems more like a sentence than reassurance.

When you are living Baby Standard Time, know that I get it. I remember how I crossed off each day,

waiting for the time I would feel more normal (newborn weeks are hard for me with the raging hormones!). I remember hanging on until my baby would sleep longer stretches. I remember the exhaustion and sheer loneliness. I remember checking the clock (for the thousandth time) at 9:02 AM and being sure that my husband would never return home from work because five o'clock was never going to come.

But you sweet mamas in those trenches, try to hold on to this bit of truth. The years fly. I know it is so very hard. I know sometimes you want to punch people who say something like that in the face. Enjoy it, they say. You will miss it, they say. It goes by too fast, they say.

Those are easy things to say as you look back with fondness, remembering only the good times.

I am not trying to tell you those things. I am trying to give you a hope to grasp to. It does indeed pass quickly in hindsight. Life gets faster. Your minutes are crawling now, but you won't be there forever. Baby Standard Time, just like Standard Time changing to Daylight Savings, will one day end. Time will go back to normal and even speed up.

So hang in there. Like the mamas before you, you will overcome. In the meantime, know that Baby Standard Time is real. You aren't imagining it. Time is crawling. This, too, shall pass.

Practice, Persistence, and Patience – How the Letter “P” Equals Babywise Success

By Ashley Bellis

Mother to a 3 year old son and a newborn son

Last year I wrote a Babywise success story. It praised the “system” and highlighted the lowlights of sleep training (ie: crying, frustration, my personal crying, and additional frustration.) Yea, those tears and frustrations are short-lived! As I write this in late June, I am just about nine months pregnant. I have gone through the wheel of nausea, pains, sleeplessness, and emotional and energy drains. To say that I have been off my normal game is an understatement! My almost three-year-old toddler has been so patient with my lack of parenting gusto. Part of what has kept me going has been the fact that I get three hours to myself every afternoon, and I know that nighttime will be peaceful (barring illness, of course). I have spoken with and read about other parents whose children have ditched consistent sleeping months ago. My son is still going strong. Why? Here’s the scoop.

Practice

I played varsity volleyball in high school and I love the thrill of the game. Practice on the other hand wasn’t as fun. Scrimmages were fun, but drills, repetitive drills, repetitive serving, and repetitive stair climbing were all but fun. But all of that hard work equaled a better-skilled game player. This is so true with Babywise and sleep training! When my son was four months old, in the throes of sleep regression, I was tempted to throw the proverbial book out the window and just survive. We opted to stick with our plan and kept following our practiced routine. We had a written schedule, a goal, a light at the end of the tunnel. We put our games faces on and stuck to it! Keep practicing the goal. Practice winning. Practice every waketime, every feeding, every bed/naptime routine. Practice practicing. Whatever you do, don’t assume the worst just because of one defeat. Keep practicing for victory and victory will come.

Persistence

This is as much attitude as it is action. It is a sibling of the aforementioned “Practice.” It is necessary for Babywise success. If I gave up every time my son woke early or refused to go to sleep on time, I wouldn’t be writing this. I’m not the most self-controlled person, and being a self-controlled mama is a major challenge for me. Sleep training is hard, even harder than wrangling in a toddler’s temper tantrum. (Stories for another day…) When the night before has been rough, and the first nap is looking flaky, and every living creature in the house is miserably tired, keep forging ahead. I absolutely love the Babywise concept of continuing as you mean to go on. There will be days in Babywise-Land where you have to survive and your idealistic expectations will be broken. But at the beginning of each new eat/wake/sleep cycle, continue as you mean to go on. Adjust if adjustment is necessary, and then continue as you mean to go on. Keep practicing your goal, and keep your attitude persistent. All of us Babywise parents have experienced the exhaustion and frustration, and we all have the persistence to see through these temporary rough patches!

Patience

Be patient in your expectations; success will not be immediate. When I was fighting multi-daily battles with the 45-minute intruder and someone said, “One day your son will sleep for three hours every afternoon,” I would have laughed obnoxiously in their face. My son wasn’t even sleeping for an hour, let alone three! But I had unrealistic expectations. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that my newborn/infant/toddler wasn’t an adult. He couldn’t understand why I wanted him to sleep. My expectations were based on scientific research, statistics, others’ success stories, and pictures of happy infants sleeping with smiles on their faces. Apparently my son didn’t have access to those sources while in the womb. Please take it from me, that it is going to take time to get to your ideal. It may take a few weeks to see glimpses of hope. Be patient with yourself. You will make mistakes and unintentionally ruin your child’s chance of good sleep. I just had to adjust when my son went down for nap because he was refusing to sleep. This was due to my slacking off and putting him down too late. Be patient with your child, because your child doesn’t have any degrees in sleep training or any experience with how refreshed they will feel after a good nap. Be patient with the nay-sayers who think you’re crazy for doing Babywise. The success you taste will be oh so sweet! Be patient, dear mama, trying to keep your family’s life together.

As tempting as it is to think Babywise is a science, I have found it to be more of an art. Scientific minds (ie: detail-oriented people) are drawn to it, but there are many fine brushstrokes that need to be adjusted before you see your masterpiece. Practice your masterpiece, develop an attitude of persistence, and be patient as you see the various pieces coming together. You will be surprised by the beauty of your end result.

5 Ways to Stay Motivated as a Mother

I have a couple of promises for you, and they are seemingly contradictory. Promise number one, those young years with children are hard. I haven't yet entered into the teenage years of raising children, but in the 11 years I have spent raising children, I have found the first few years are by far the most exhausting. They require a whole lot of sacrifice from you. They are emotionally exhausting. It seems like you rarely get a moment to just be. Add several children in a row living those first few years of life over and you have one frazzled and tired mom.

Here is my contradictory promise. Life only gets busier. Your kids get older and you really have less time on your hands. I think a key difference is you are doing a variety of things from day to day. You have a variety of conversations with your different children of different ages. The days are not so mundane. They are different enough that it somehow seems less exhausting even though you have less time to relax.

We can conclude, from these two promises, that life as a mom is always busy. We can't wait for the magical day when we have more time while being a mom. That is a a fond memory. Time to embrace the reality. But reality doesn't have to be a bad thing! It isn't always easy to be "on" as a mom. We have a lot of tasks and goals we want to meet for our children daily as well as in the "big picture," and sometimes it gets exhausting! Sometimes we wonder if it is worth it to worry about independent play, first time obedience, learning time, and all of the other items on our list. But hard doesn't mean bad. So how do we keep up the motivation to go on and stick with our goals in the face of the craziness life throws at us? Here are five ideas to keep us going.

1-Look to Examples

Look to the examples of other moms around you. I always like to observe people with children older than my own to see what they do and what I like and what I don't. I don't mean this in a judging way--I don't like the "mommy wars" of whose way is better than whose way. We all have our own priorities and goals. We also all have our own personalities. What works for one mom won't work for another. I like to observe what efforts produce the results I am looking for, and what efforts do not. I am looking for what I want for my family and trying to emulate those actions. I tweak them for our family and make them work for us. I talk more about this idea here: Instilling Qualities: Observation.

2-Believe That You Will Miss It Some Day and Live in the Moment

Sometimes when the older women approach you in the store or at church and tell you how much you will miss these years so you better enjoy it, you really just want to hand off your kids and walk away and see how much they really do miss it by the time bedtime rolls around. However, this is the comment I get most often from older women, so I really try to heed that advice to enjoy moments. Not every moment. I don't think we have to enjoy everything every day. But we also don't have to hate it all. When something gets ruined, I try to think about how that mark on that book will always remind me of when so-and-so was young. When my freshly washed window has fingerprints and has been licked (WHY?!?!?), I try to remind myself that I will miss those prints and licks (so they say! Still not sure I buy them missing fingerprints. What the fingerprints represent, sure. The actual fingerprints, I don't think so). I try to enjoy it for what it is because apparently, someday I will miss it. See also Enjoy the Moment.

Along those same lines, I try to live in the moment. I don't like to think, "I can't wait until...[so-and-so is older, so-and-so masters this skill, etc.]. I just try to enjoy where everyone is for what they are at that moment. Think about the things you love about the stage each child is in. Cherish those moments. Try to remind yourself of and focus on those. There will always been things you love and things you don't love about each stage, so you have to just focus on what you enjoy rather than pinning away for what you believe will surely be better in the future. See also It's A Journey, Not A Destination

3-Simplify Where Possible

Simplify your life so you have the time and energy needed to do what is necessary. We can't do it all, and when we try to do more than we can handle, we start to let important things slide. When we are too busy, we get tired, and when we get tired, we find it easier to let the child get her way than to correct her and require obedience. For more on this, see Days of Motherhood. See also Good Sacrifice vs. Foolish Sacrifice. See also Slow the Pace

4-Have Faith the Hard Work Will Pay Off

Day in and day out, you are taking small steps and working hard to make sure your child is being raised in the best way for your child. You remind your child over and over again to do a certain thing (say yes mommy, put shoes away, clean up after self...) and sometimes you wonder why you even bother? And is this much attention to the schedule that important? And why bother with bedtime and naps because life could be a bit less complicated if you weren't worried about those things...

Have faith that your hard work will pay off. It really does! This brings us back to number one. Who are your positive examples? Their hard work paid off! This is something that gets easier with perspective. This is why having a fourth baby is less stressful than the first; you know the hard work pays off at some point. When you need a pep talk, look through my pep talks: Word to the Weary/Pep Talks Index

5-Take Breaks At Times

Sometimes, you need a change in the schedule. Sometimes, you as a mom need a girls night out. You need to take a break from the sharp focus of being a mom so you can see the big wide world, gain some perspective, and realize that everything will be okay. The world keeps spinning and your child refusing to sign at the end of the meal is not the end of the world.

Have time for yourself to develop your talents and to be you as an individual. See Developing Talents.

Sometimes you also need a break from the routine. Take a pajama day. Take a day to watch a movie as a family. Take the day off from your regular routine every once in a while. It will be a fun break, and when you return, everyone will be glad for it.

For more ideas in this area, see 10 Ways to Save Your Sanity.

Conclusion

Remember as you go along and things are hard, these hard times are what make us grow. Just like when you exercise, your muscles strengthen, when you practice managing time and efforts, you get better at it. See Increasing Our Capacity for more on that.

The Love of a Mother

The night Brayden was born, I didn't sleep at all. He was born in the 8 PM hour. I remember just staring at him, all through the night. He was an amazing little miracle. I was forever changed. I know not every mother has a "love at first sight" experience with her children, but we do develop that love for our children. A love that is fierce. A love that is so strong we would sacrifice anything for our children.

Being a mom isn't easy. The task of being a mother even just in a vacuum would be daunting. You add to it the world judging every move you make and you comparing yourself to the mothers you see around you and the difficulty grows exponentially. Our job description is a long one.

But it is so worth it.

Being a mother changes you in so many ways. We sacrifice so much, and we do it again and again.

This is just true! Since becoming a mother, I have more naturally loved other people with more ease. Being a mother has taught me so much about love that my capacity for love has grown. Being a mother has done more for my improvement as a person than any other event in my life.

I know it is hard at times. I know the minutes crawl by some days. I know you long for a sick day. I hope even amid those difficulties, you recognize what a gift motherhood is. I hope you can have gratitude for the experience and find the bright side. You are forever changed. You are stronger, better, more loving, kinder, and even more patient than you were before you became a mother. "Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are." Jeffrey R. Holland.

Don't Feel Guilty About the Ebbs and Flows of Parenting

Clearly I had messed up. There she was with her little diva attitude trying idea 5001 on how to delay nap time. When it wasn't working, she really lost it. I had done it. Again. I had allowed a child to slip into having too many freedoms. Now came the fun of reigning those in.

At times, parenting can feel like a long list of mistakes and regrets. Hindsight is 20/20, and as you look back at the decisions you made with your perfect retrospective vision, you can see where you went wrong and what you should have done instead. You will realize you kept your baby awake too long and that led to short naps. You will realize you handled a discipline situation all wrong and feel like worst parent in the history of parenting.

Conversely, sometimes you will look back and say, "I rocked that!" You will have times you handle everything perfectly! But of course, being the human you are, you will make mistakes. Again! Even after that perfect day.

Parenting is full of ebbs and flows. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. I know it is easier said than I wrote about considering the source of your guilt. I hope you have read that and internalized it. If you are feeling like you need to improve and can improve, that is the Lord helping you become a better you. If you feel like you messed up and there is no hope for you ever, that is the Adversary tearing you down. What better way to stunt the progress of children than to stunt the ability of their parents?
done, but your best thing is to recognize your shortcomings, work to correct them, and move forward. Don't beat yourself up. Last year,

Ebbs and flows will come. Do not let them make you feel like a failure. EVERYONE has them. Do the best you can do and make corrections where you can. Then move forward in the game of parenting. Be open to improving yourself, but don't open wounds in yourself because you need to improve. If you aren't perfect, congratulate yourself on being human. Fix what you can. Then brace yourself for the next tide.

To the Mom of the First-Born Poor Sleeper

See those eyes? He kept his eyes like that ALL.THE.TIME.
The kid avoided sleep like I avoid spiders.

Try as I might, Brayden, my oldest, did not nap longer than 45 minutes for months. He didn't sleep through the night until he was old enough I certainly couldn't remember what it was like to sleep uninterrupted. Those days were long and hard. Life was a major shock to go from no child and doing what I wanted when I wanted to never having more than a 45 minute window to do anything without a baby. There were days 7 PM arrived and I realized I hadn't brushed my teeth yet! I worried about the importance of good, solid naps in the development of the brain and desperately wanted to know what I was doing wrong to cause these short naps! I was exhausted, emotional, and taxed. I couldn't help but feel like a failure on some level. I did constant troubleshooting until the day finally came that we reached two hour naps and full night sleep.

Oh sweet mom of your first-born. I know your feelings. I was there once. I kept copious notes of our days. I couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong. I have always been an intelligent person; I scoured the books trying to find the part I was missing. I know how to run an experiment properly to isolate variables accurately. I painstakingly went through everything I could think of. And still, it took me months to figure it all out.

Let me tell you, now as I look back on that time, I actually have enough distance and hindsight to have gratitude for those months. Brayden did not sleep through the night until he was 6 months old. He did not take two hour naps until 6.5 months old. During those six months, I learned how to problem solve as a mother. I learned it well enough to be able to help people over the internet just getting a paragraph or two of information. I learned the many variables that easily impact sleep. I learned it well enough that I have been able to write many posts on solving sleep problems. I learned it well enough that my next three children, while all different, were able to be excellent sleepers. I had learned well. I had learned to spot sleep problems and to fix them quickly. I knew what to avoid. I knew what I should adhere to carefully.

Brinley, my fourth child, has always reminded me of Brayden as far as a baby sleeper. She was by far my best sleeper. I had learned well. My two most similar sleepers were my best and worst newborn sleepers. My most predictable and most erratic. You learn a lot about the intricacies of sleep when you have a baby who is a poor sleeper. Try to recognize the wisdom you are gaining as you try to solve these sleep mysteries.

A perk of it being your first child is you have more time and mental capacity to dedicate to this one child. Once you have other children, they have needs and you will have concerns for them in a myriad of ways. So I view being able to learn to analyze sleep well with just one baby to focus on as a major perk. I was able to learn what I needed to learn without distractions.

I know you are tired. I know it would be SO MUCH easier if someone could say to you, "Hey, at six months old, he is going to start sleeping through the night." It would seem far away, but you could hang on with the finish line drawn out. We don't get timelines in parenting. It is part of the learning process.

Now for the guilt you are placing on yourself. You might be doing something wrong--there might be something you could change that would fix it. I am confident that I could go back in time with Brayden and have him sleeping longer from a much younger age. You might just have a rough sleeper and there is nothing you could do to change it. That is possible.

Here is the most important thing, however. You are doing the best you can do right now. That is enough. You might find someday you had been making a mistake. Learn from it. Don't beat yourself up. You aren't making a mistake intentionally. You have to be able to expect your best because that is what you have to offer. Oldest children are always an experimental process. While I have a lot of wisdom in parenting my current three year old, I am always a first time mom with my current ten year old. That is what makes first-borns the kind of people they are in society.

I know you can make it. I know it will be a tiring road. I know you will get frustrated. I know you will be tired. I also know if you can learn to be grateful for what it is, you will be happier. I know you are gaining priceless wisdom. I know you and your baby will make it out okay. I know you love your baby in a pure, indescribable way. You care so much. Your baby knows that, too. "This, too, shall pass" and someday you will look back and know it wasn't so bad in the grand scheme of life. Try to enjoy it for what it is now. Try to not stress. You are doing better than you think you are.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

I AM NOT GUILTY FOR SLEEP SCHEDULING | WORDS TO LIFT THE FOG {BFBN Week}

Our next post today is from Brooke at ApffelADay.com. Brooke is talking about you having confidence in your decisions to teach your children to sleep:

For the mom feeling unsure because of others. I see you. I’ve been there. You quietly doubt yourself, your abilities, your instincts, because others loudly shout their opinions. You feel in your soul that routine, consistency, and sleep will benefit the entire family, especially your little one. Yet, you see an article or a status or hear a friend or a family member and there it is, that fog. It creeps over you quickly until you are surrounded with a doubt so strong, it makes you question your instincts. Instincts that God gave you for a child He also gave you…and no one else.

I had my first baby before the Internet was huge--I know, hard to imagine, right? "Back in the day," we didn't turn to the Internet for answers or support. By the time Kaitlyn came along, less than two years later, we were there. The Internet was a part of our research process. So I was lucky in that I made a decision on how to parent my child and I just did it without getting input from the opinion of the world. I didn't even know the controversy around Babywise until my second child was born.

In our modern day, you only have that luxury if you unplug. You definitely need to learn to trust yourself. Find moms you can turn to for mentoring and support and learn to block out the voices who try to make you question yourself. Head on over to ApffelADay.com to get her words of encouragement on this front.

Related posts on this blog:

It is Babywise Friendly Blog Network week! You will be hearing from these lovely ladies this week, all on the topic of sleep:

Monday: Valerie at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday: Shea at The Moses Home
Tuesday: Stephanie at Giving It Grace
Wednesday: Brooke at Apffel a Day
Wednesday: Kimberly at Team Cartwright
Thursday: Carrie at Wiley Adventures
Thursday: Emily at The Journey of Parenthood
Friday: Claire at My Devising
Friday: Elaine at Faithfully Infertile

From Tears to Triumph

Ashley Bellis (Mother to one child)

When I was expecting, a lady from church whom I greatly respect recommended I read a book that she read for motherhood. Our church library had a copy and I delved into "Preparation for Parenthood" by Gary Ezzo (the same author as the Babywise series). Reading through it I took notes, answered the discussion questions, and filled my husband in on all that I had read. It seemed like a perfect formula!

I never had much experience with toddlers, let alone newborns! I am the oldest of two, and have two younger cousins that I spent 90% of my growing-up time with. However, the only thing I knew about babies was that they wore diapers and drank from bottles. But with my new knowledge and a very detailed and intelligent husband to back me up, I believed that Baby would be born and he would nurse immediately, sleep soundly, and only make noise when he laughed. Ha. Big HA!

My son was born screaming and spent most of his first month perfecting that scream. My nerves were frazzled. My hopes and dreams were splattered like a bug on the windshield. My husband was working full-time and helping me full-time at home. I remember trying to convince my son to sleep while Andy (husband) and I ate dinner. That plan worked once. I remember showering at night while Andy held Jake (baby) and I could hear him screaming above the shower and ventilation fan -- and they were downstairs! Oh, I was scared and freaked out. I knew I wanted to implement the eat/wake/sleep routine. I knew I wanted an angelic, smiling Gerber-esque baby. I knew I needed clarity or I could never go back to work part-time (my plan after 8 weeks maternity). I knew I needed to get my stuff together so I could give Andy a break when he came home from work. I knew I needed to put my foot down to this baby's demands and develop a routine that benefited all of us.

On Jake's 1-month birthday I had had enough. Praise the Lord I had stumbled across Valerie's blog. I poured over her newborn summaries and sample schedules. She made it sound so easy, and she had a baby ~1 year ahead of my own, I knew I could try! Over dinner I would talk with Andy about my "research" and we worked on a sample schedule for our bundle of noise, I mean joy. We worked really hard for bedtime and tried to feed at consistent times. During the overnight feedings I would take my e-reader and read while Jake nursed and then fell back asleep. I read through "Little Women" that way. Made it more enjoyable for me, I guess :) But we weren't out of the woods yet. Little Baby had learned to love his on-demand lifestyle and there were many nights/afternoons where he cried and screamed, wanting me for whatever reason. I followed Valerie's advice and checked on him every 20 minutes, and then every 30 minutes as he got older.

It seemed like every success we had with our routine was followed by instant, short-lived regression. Every time I felt like we were making concrete progress, we would have a wave of shorts naps, bad feedings, and scream-filled nights. I messaged my friend, who was also implementing Babywise, and she told me to keep on trying. Bad days happen. And this echoed Valerie's posts about beginning as you intend to go on. I started viewing each feeding as a new "beginning" in our three-hour schedule. Andy was right beside me to encourage me. I felt confident going back to work after 9 weeks of maternity, leaving my not-as-often-screamer with a Babywise babysitter.

Jake and I continued to dance and learn, created new new expectations, and fell more in love instead of in frustration. I nervously celebrated when we transitioned to a four-hour schedule. I didn't want to pop our beautiful, blossoming happy life. But you know what? After about a week, the four-hour schedule was implemented and we all adjusted well. My confidence in myself as a mother was high. My confidence in Jake's health and wellness was also high. The rings under my eyes faded away, and I was able to resume my home duties without guilt. Eventually we dropped the morning nap, and I again held my breath. We smoothly transitioned, yet again, and now we have completely free mornings. Babywise equals freedom for parents and baby!

Fast-forward from a months-old baby to a two year old toddler. I would be lying to you if I didn't tell you that my son is brilliant. I know everyone's child is brilliant, but I am so proud of our consistent striving and implementation of Babywise. I didn't do it perfectly, but I know my son is healthy and well-rested. Going out and about, I see a lot of kids who aren't well-rested and they are struggling. They aren't scheduled. They don't know what to expect. They throw tantrums and fits over trivial things. I see my son, who sleeps for 3.5 hours in the afternoon and 11 hours at night, and he is alert, active, and engaging. He throws tantrums now, too, but they aren't from exhaustion. They are just "normal," I guess, even though we are working on his anger impulses. But I have peace. I have peaceful afternoons while he sleeps. I have peaceful nights knowing that he is dreaming of sheep jumping fences. (Well, more likely Thomas the Train driving around with Woody and Buzz from Toy Story.)

Babywise takes work. It isn't for the faint of heart. It isn't for the wishy-washy. I spent many an hour listening to my wee man cry because he didn't want to sleep. It took so much work, so many tears (from me), so many hugs (from Andy), and patience from all of us. My parents and in-laws would comment about how we put our baby to bed "too often." Or that we shouldn't be so "strict" with our baby. We should lower our expectations. No, I don't think so. A baby is a baby, yes, but I don't want to start our parenting relationship with him thinking that baby knows best.

We are planning to try for Baby #2 soon, and we have every intention of implementing Babywise again. There are a few areas where I know I need to improve, but I at least know that all the hard work of scheduling will pay off. Eternal thanks to Valerie for creating this blog and giving me confidence! If you feel hopeless, keep chugging away; one feeding, one waketime, one nap at a time. There will come a day where you will look back and only remember the good times :)

Forgive Yourself

image source

If you are a reader of this blog, I think I can safely assume that you are a parent who is actively invested in trying to do everything "right"--right according to your own judgement and discernment. Of course, we often are faced with situations as parents where we don't necessasrily know what "right" is in the context of our situation. We have to make a judgement call in the moment.

Because we are humans, there will invariably be times when we make the wrong call. In our 20/20 hindsight we look back and see the choice we made was not the "right" one. We should have acted differently in the situation. We should have chosen a different consequence. We should have responded a different way. We made a mistake.

This retrospective analyzing happens quite often as parents, and I find for myself it happens most often with my oldest child, Brayden. With him, I am always a first time parent. I am always facing situations for the first time with him. Because of this, I make the most mistakes with him. I have the most "ooopps--that wasn't the best option" moments. I think we all know what those moments are like.

And this leads me to the message of my post. Forgive yourself. Yes, you make mistakes. You need to move past them. Learn what you can, apologize if needed (it isn't always), forgive yourself, and put it behind you. Don't stress about it! Children are resilient. Children are incredibly forgiving. Children can and will survive the many mistakes we make as parents (now, this is of course referring to normal, everyday mistakes parents make, not serious actions).

Don't let fear of mistakes paralyze you. Do what you think is best at the moment. If you find that wasn't best, learn from it and tweak your strategy in for the next time. When you make a mistake, it isn't as though you are thinking to yourself, "Ha ha! I am going to do XYZ because that will really take things in the wrong direction!" No! You are thinking, "I am going to do XYZ because I think that is best for my child." If you find it wasn't, offer yourself grace and take the lesson learned, act on it, and move forward. Your child will learn from your mistakes as well--it is a great gift for your child to see that you are not perfect and that mistakes are a normal part of life. Your children will forgive you, and you should, too.

Wondering why you should bother with forgiveness? Read this post on Why Bother to Forgive Others? (that includes yourself!)

Guilt as a Mother: Consider the Source

I know we all have those moments. Those moments when we feel like we have messed up as a mom. I very often see posts on Facebook that go something along the lines of "Worst parenting day ever." We have all been there.

Sometimes, we feel guilty because we have made some mistake. We handled a situation poorly. We lost our cool. We slacked off in some way.

But sometimes, we feel guilty for really no justified reason at all. We just start to doubt ourselves.

So how do you tell the difference between legitimate guilt and the guilt that seems to come just because we are female?

At church this past Sunday, my friend Annette made a wonderful comment. Wonderful. She said there are times she feels bad as a mom. She feels like she is a complete failure and will never be able to get it right. She feels hopeless.

Those are moments the Adversary is trying to bring her down.

On the flip side, there are moments she feels convicted. She knows she made a mistake and needs to do better. But those feelings are accompanied by hope. She is able to think of ways to improve and she feels like she can do it. She recognizes her weaknesses but also recognizes ways to improve upon them.

Those are moments the Lord is being her father and telling her how to be a better mother. Those are gentle admonishments from the Lord letting her know how to improve.

What a wonderful observation!

As women, we need to recognize these moments and only give the promptings from the Lord our time. As Annette pointed out, a lot of times the thoughts from the Adversary come when she is actually doing pretty well.

The Lord wants you to succeed as a mom. The Adversary does not. The Lord wants you to improve and do your best. He wants what is best for you and your children. He will guide you and help you to do so. Seek to recognize His voice in your life and ignore that of the Adversary.

As I have pondered this further, I also thought that as parents, we need to emulate the correct way of admonishment. When we need to correct our children, we need to do so in a way that is loving and offers hope for improvement. We don't need to cut them down and make them feel worthless or like they can't ever possibly get better. We need to show them love and help them recognize areas that need improvement, but help them execute that improvement.

And I know it is hard! It is not easy to be kind, patient, and loving when you are telling your child for the fifth time in 3 minutes to put her shoes on so you can leave. You will mess up. There will be times you lose your patience and respond to that moment in a way that isn't ideal.

But you can try your best to not mess up. You can pray for help. You can resolve to do better. You can figure out what you need to do as a parent to avoid those many reminders. There is always a way to improve if you will seek it.

The next time you feel guilty, determine the source. If it is a legitimate source, think of ways to improve the next time that situation happens and ways to avoid the situation all together. If it is not legitimate, cast it out!