How to Raise Independent and Responsible Children

I have such a passion for helping children to be independent and personally responsible. I know that personally for me a huge part of my success as a person in my life can be attributed to the fact that I know I am responsible for myself. There are a lot of good reasons to be personally responsible--the discussion of those reasons isn't the purpose of this post. The purpose is to discuss how you get there. Here are some ideas.

Start with Proper Expectations

The first place to start is to realize what your child is actually capable of. Chances are your child is capable of more than you think. Whether you are working with chores, personal care, homework, practicing skills, or obedience, you want to have the proper expectations. Your child will rise to the occasion. You will likely often find yourself in the middle of a task you have always done realizing, "Hey, my kid could be doing this." For everything you do for your child, the day will come that your child will be able to do it himself. You have to be aware of that fact and watch for the day that your child is able to take that task over. An example from my life is one year when I realized Brayden, who was in second grade, could be making his own lunch in the morning. It was time to have him do it himself.

Once your child has reached that point, it is time to move on in our list of steps outlined below. Big milestones and transitions are a great time to evaluate what your child is doing and what your child could be doing. Big milestones when I evaluate are: back to school time, the new year, birthdays, and the end of a school year.

Explain and Teach

Just because your child is capable of something doesn't mean he was born knowing how to do so. Just because you have done something for your child for years doesn't mean your child has paid special, close attention and knows how to do it for herself.

For whatever it is you want your child to be able to do, you will need to instruct. Have your child help you. Have your child observe. Talk through the process.Once you have taught,  Ask your child to explain the process so you are sure she gets it. Let your child do it while you verbally instruct. Be patient with this process as it can take some time. Back to my lunch example, I decided that during the summer between second and third grade, I would have Brayden pack his lunch for park day to give him practice for packing it for school. I told him how, showed him how, and stood by his side as I handed the task over to him and helped him with questions that came up along the way. When the day came for him to do it on his own, I even made a printable to make it easy (you can get a free copy here):

• Organizing School Lunches

Have Rules and Expectations

Once your child knows how to do something, it is time to set some rules and expectations. Explain when the task needs to be done. Explain if you will be giving reminders or not. Explain the consequences that will follow if the task is not done. Make sure your child is clear on these rules. Going with my lunch example, if Brayden doesn't pack his lunch, he can eat the lunch the school provides--even if it is chili. 

You can have rules for the order things are done in--like maybe homework is done first thing after school. We have expectation that our children will clean up after themselves. We also have a rule that everyone cleans no matter who made the mess.

For help with appropriate chore expectations, see these posts:

• Our Family Plan ages 0-4

• Our Chores for 5-8 Year Olds

• 12 Chores Your Toddler Can Do

Give an Instruction and Walk Away

A lot of times we impede our children's progress by getting impatient and doing the task for our child. When you give your child an instruction, walk away so your child can do it. If you tell your child to get shoes on, walk away and do something else that needs to be done in order to leave. Don't stand there for five seconds (or even five minutes) and then get impatient and start to do it for your child. A good strategy is to tell your child to do something much sooner than you need it done. Another good idea is to do something to busy yourself while your child works on it. If you need to leave the house by 8:50, tell your child to get her shoes on at 8:40 or even 8:30 if needed, not 8:48. A new learner needs plenty of time. 

Always remember, doing things for your child might seem really nice, but it can actually be harmful in the long run. It is such a benefit to your child to learn life skills and be able to take care of himself. I think it is fine to do some things for our children that they can do for themselves at times. My husband often helps Brayden with a portion of his lunch each day. There is nothing inherently wrong with making lunch for your child. It can be a display of love and service from you. Just be sure your child is learning the skills associated with the task you are doing in some other way (in our example, Brayden helps make dinner at other times).

Start by Helping with Charts/Cards/etc.

We all need reminders, and it is fun and helpful to give your child a way to keep track of what needs to be done. I find when starting a new responsibility, these things are necessary, but as the child gets use to it, it is no longer needed. When we started having Brayden make his own lunch, I made an instruction list he could refer to each day. Today, he doesn't need to use it, but initially, it helped him make sure  he had everything he needed for his lunch. I have some posts on chore charts and such:

• Pinteresting Fridays: Chore Charts

• Chore Wheel

• Morning Chore Cards

• Chore Jar

• Chore Cards

Have Consequences When The Child Doesn't Follow Through

A concept I love from the Parenting with Love and Logic book is to keep in mind that stakes are low when your child is young. This means that today, Brayden having to eat school lunch isn't a huge deal. He might not like what is made that day, but he will surely survive. He will also likely not forget to make his lunch another day. He might be hungry, but life will go on. It is better to learn these lessons now while he is young and the consequences won't have a long-term negative impact on his life than in 20 years when he is an adult and his stakes are higher. 

Logical consequences are often effective for things your child is supposed to take care of himself. You can also remove privileges as a consequence. If you have a rule that there is no TV time until homework is done, if your child decides to watch TV first, you might take away TV time for a week.

Help Child Solve Own Problems

When your child comes to you with a problem that needs to be solved, don't just solve it for him. Help him learn wisdom. Talk him through it. Ask him some ways he could fix it. Stay calm and help him think it through. Do a brainstorming session. Once you have talked about options, ask your child which option he wants to do. Doing this helps your child become self-sufficient. Your child will be able to do the process on his own before long. 

Believe in Your Child

There is huge power in believing your child can do things. Have confidence in your child and trust your child to follow through. 

For more on this topic, see:

• Creating a "Good Helper"

• Chores

Should You Bail Your Child Out?

"Hi Mom," came the timid voice on the other end of the line.

"Hi sweetie, what's up?" I responded. I knew what was up. She had forgotten something at home.

"I forgot my tennis shoes and I have P.E. today. Can you bring them to me?" she sweetly inquired.

YES! I wanted to shout. I will bring them right to you! I know you fear getting in trouble. I know you want to be the perfect student who always does what she is supposed to do. I know you love P.E. It is one of your favorite classes and you want to be able to participate. 

And I? I want to be the hero mom. I want to be the sweet mom every kid looks at and says, "Wow, you are so lucky! You have the best mom!" 

So I held my breath for a few seconds and fought with myself. 

"No, sweetie. I am sorry. I won't," came my reply.

We said our good-byes and hung-up. 

For the next couple of hours, I still fought with myself. P.E. was right before lunch, so I had time to debate. I didn't have anything else to do. No appointment I needed to get to. The school is just right down the street. It is easy for me to get there and back, even with a four year old in tow. 

So why didn't I take the dang shoes?!?

Because I want my daughter to learn to have personal responsibility. 

I can't bail her out every single time she forgets something or makes a mistake. Some day, she will be in a situation where she needs to remember and I won't be there to save her. She needs to be capable of taking care of herself before she is in a situation where it really matters.

Does it really matter if she forgot her gym shoes in fourth grade? No. Not in the grand scheme of her life. She might get a lecture from her P.E. teacher, but that is it. No grade is dependent upon her shoes, only her pride and her ability to play along fully this one day.

I couldn't bail her out that day because I want her to grow to be her best self.

Teaching personal responsibility is a fine balancing act. 

I want my children to be responsible, but I also want them to grow up knowing grace so they can show grace to others. I have pondered this over the years. Initially I started our school years out with a strict, "No bail-outs" policy in mind, but I quickly grew concerned that my children wouldn't learn to show patience and grace with others if they were never saved by their mother. 

My policy now is that I will definitely save you if it is not a habit you have developed. If it is the first time you have called me all year and you forgot something, I will be there in less than five minutes. If it is only the second time this year, and the first was a couple of months ago, no problem. I will bring it to you.

People are human and people make mistakes. I want my children to understand that is okay.

But as soon as it becomes a habit, we have a problem and you need to learn to take care of yourself.

This was not the second, third, or even fourth time my sweet daughter had called this school year.

The last time she called, I talked with her and told her this was becoming a habit. She had forgotten something, from her homework to her shoes, several times in the last few weeks. The last time she called, I told her I would bring it that time, but that she needed to work on remembering because I wouldn't bring it the next time. 

That day that I said no, when she had been getting ready for school that morning, she sat reading a book. I asked if she was all the way ready for school. Yes she had told me. I asked if she was sure she had everything she needed in her backpack. "Yep!" She read on. 

So when she called me that morning, timidly because she knew what the answer would be before she even called, I had to be her mother. Not the "cool" mom, "nicest" mom, nor the "best" mom in the eyes of the other kids. I had to be a responsible mom. A mom focused on helping my daughter learn responsibility in life. So even though it hurt my heart to tell that sweet girl no, it was the best thing I could do for her.

When she got home from school that day, we talked about it. I explained what had happened that morning. I reminded her of her many times she had left something home. I reminded her of the last time she forgot her shoes and I told her it would be the last time I would bring them.

I told her I didn't bring her shoes to her that day because I love her.

"Huh?" she asked, clearly confused. She wasn't mad or upset, but she didn't see how my not bringing the shoes had to do with my love for her.

I explained to her that my job was to help her learn to be responsible for herself so she can grow up to be a responsible adult who can take care of herself and others. I asked her if she thought she would try to remember her shoes if I kept bringing them to her. She told me no. I asked her if she thought she would try to remember now. She responded she would. I explained that her not having her P.E. shoes was a low-risk time to learn to have personal responsibility. When she was an adult and had bills to pay, a job to do, or a child to take care of, the consequences wouldn't be so mild. 

She understood. 

Since that day, she hasn't forgotten a single thing. She carefully checks to make sure she has everything in her backpack. She knows her bail-outs have run out. She is taking responsibility for herself.

Should you bail your child out? Sometimes, yes. But sometimes, no. Sometimes, we need to let our children struggle through the consequences of these situations they brought upon themselves so they can learn to take better control of their lives and have more favorable consequences in the future. 

"I am sorry, sweetie, but no" might just be the best phrase you can speak to your child that day.

Related Posts:

• Why I Hate the Concept of Everyone Wins

5 Cent Cleanup Plan {How to Motivate Children to Clean Up After Themselves}

You know, I'd had it. I really felt like I spent the whole day, every day, walking around the house just picking up after people. I wasn't really exaggerating in that feeling, either. I spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME picking up after people. I have always been big into teaching my children how to clean and they know they are supposed to clean up after themselves. I had carefully taught them how and why they clean up after themselves. And yet, here I was, cleaning up after these people who knew better. Sure, if they were home when I saw the mess and told them to clean, they did it and did it well. But I didn't want to tell them to clean up. I just wanted them to do it.

A mom can dream, right?

But I am more than a dreamer. I am a doer. A problem solver. I like to make things happen.

I knew my kids knew how to clean up after themselves and that they should. I have taught them. This was a matter of motivation. For whatever reason, it was not on their minds. Call it laziness, forgetfulness, thoughtlessness, carelessness, busyness...probably a nice recipe of all of those things. I needed a way for cleaning up to be on their minds.

And so I came up with the 5 Cent Cleanup Plan.

I gathered my children together. I explained that I had been spending a whole lot of time cleaning up after them. I reminded them of how that wasn't okay and that they needed to be responsible. I then told them the new law around the house.

Anytime I had to pick up something that didn't belong to me and put it away, I would charge five cents per item. I would save up that money and take myself to Coldstone Ice Cream (my favorite!!!). I made sure they understood. One of them said they would just join me at Coldstone with their own money. I informed them children would not be invited on this reward trip for myself.

Each day as they did their morning routine, I would remind them, "I will be doing a cleaning sweep as soon as you leave for school. Make sure you don't leave anything out unless you want to pay me for it." Each night as they got ready for bed, I reminded them the same. I would give fair warning before every sweep initially. As time went by, I would just clean.

One day, Brayden had to pay me 30 cents. He didn't forget again. The same thing happened with my other children. It really only took one time of having to pay me to set them straight.

I did 5 cents for a few reasons. It isn't a TON of money to take from a child. That way I wouldn't be breaking their banks and I also wouldn't be hesitant to enforce the law. The key to a rule is enforcement and follow through.

You would not believe the difference it made in my house! It sounds dramatic, but it really was life changing.

The next time you need to find a way to get your children to clean up after themselves, remember my 5 cent plan and try it out. It can change your life, too!

Today I am posting over at Childwise Chat. I am talking about raising independent and responsible children. Go check it out!

Teaching Your Child To Clean Up After Self

I must start off with an apology. I don't think I have any magic formula that you will walk away with that will guarantee your child will be cleaning up his own messes in a week. Sorry about that. I think reminding your child to clean up after himself is kind of just part of the job description of being a mom (and, let's be real, sometimes being a wife).

That doesn't mean, however, that we moms are going to give up on trying and give up on the dream! And, to the credit of the children, then can and will get better about it if you put in the effort and work it takes on the front end. They just won't be perfect about. I don't want to fill you with false hope. Reminders will still happen, but they can happen less frequently. Here are some tips to help you out.

TEACH AND OUTLINE

Outline to your child what your expectations are. Do you expect your child to clear his own dishes after a meal? Tell him so. It might seem obvious to you that a polite person would do that after a meal, but he wasn't born doing that and it won't be obvious to him until he is told to do so.

It might be necessary to teach your child how to do the task you want him to. Demonstrate the task. For something like clearing the table, a one-time demonstration might be enough. For something like making his bed, he might need a few teaching sessions with you. 

EXPLAIN WHY

Children are nice people. Explain why you want your child to clean up after himself. Explain that it makes things easier on you and helps you out. Explain that it is polite to clean up after yourself when you make a mess. Point out how having things clean and organized feels good. Knowing WHY you want something done will help a child remember to keep it a priority. 

START YOUNG

Work with your child from as young as possible to clean up after himself. With a baby, have him help you clean up his toys after indpendent play. Now, obviously this is literally physically impossible until your child is able to put things back into containers, which is literally a developmental milestone. This typically happens somewhere around 9-12 months. Before your child is physically able to do this, do it in front of him. Talk about it, sing about it, and do it consistently. He will see that when playtime is over, you clean up and it will be a natural thing to him. 

Follow this pattern for any task you want your child to clean up after himself for--start demonstrating young. Hand it over as soon as he is able. But still help until your child is able to do it on his own. While a 13 month old can physically put the balls back in the basket, expecting him to put 20 balls away alone is way too overwhelming. 

If you have a 6 year old and you have decided you are tired of cleaning up everything after him, it is definitely not too late! My Mom says my Dad was never expected to make his own bed growing up (youngest child), but he can do so today :). He learned as an adult and so I am confident your child can learn no matter his age.

EXPECT CONSISTENCY

Children live up to expectations. Once you have outlined, taught, explained, and demonstrated what you want done, expect your child to do it. Expect it. Have faith in it. 

ENFORCE CONSISTENCY

When you walk into the kitchen and see a dish on the table, don't sigh with exasperation and clean the dish up. Call your child into the room and have him clean it up. This is part of your expectations. This is showing your child that you expect consistency. Is it more work than moving the dish yourself? Definitely! This is part of the work on the front end. It is also more work for your child than it is to do it initially. He will be smart enough to realize that.

Be sure to recognize your child when he remembers to clean up after himself. Thank him for his efforts and for remembering. 

If you have a child who just isn't putting forth effort into remembering to clean up after himself, go ahead and establish a system for reinforcement. I am not talking about the child who is trying but forgets sometimes. I think any time you are establishing a new habit, there will be misteps. I give grace in those moments. Just stick to enforcing consistency. 

I am talking about the child who seems to not be trying at all. You might do a reward system where your child gets something positive every time he remembers. Rewards tend to work better than punishments for children. You could do a jar and you put a penny in it every time they do something good, then when the jar is full you go out for ice cream. Sticker charts also work well--especially for preschoolers and younger.

If you have tried rewards with no success, try out consequences. You could remove a privilege. You could require an extra chore be done if he doesn't clean up after himself.  You could do it for him and have him pay you from his money for doing his work for him. 

CONCLUSION

It can take some work, but I promise if you are clear in your expectations and consistent with how you handle things, your child will grow to be more proficient at cleaning up after himself. 

The Importance of Accepting Personal Responsibility

The Importance of Accepting Personal Responsibility. Why we need to own up to our mistakes, even if they were unintentional.

I was recently reading my newspaper's opinion section when I came across a submission that caught my attention.

This person (an adult woman) wrote in complaining because her mom had parked on the road illegally and had gotten a ticket for it. In my entire valley, it is illegal to park on the street between November and March due to snow-removal needs. 

The writer said a few things. One was that she and her husband "forgot" about the law, and later in the piece said that despite living here for ten years, they had never even heard about the law. She also commented that information about the law had been printed in the city newsletter sent to every home in the city a couple of times just this year, but that she doesn't always read those so she didn't know. It was also printed in the newspaper, but she missed that.

The city explained the ticket could be appealed, but the woman was leaving town and decided she couldn't, for whatever reason, come back to appeal.

The writer then complained that the city should put street signs up around the city to warn people of the parking law. 

I was really in shock over this letter. Here we have an adult woman complaining about a law in a city she has lived in for ten years and has either forgotten about or never did hear about (not sure which). She then claims street signs would do the trick, but I am not sure how often a sign would have to be posted for her to have seen it. Do they need a sign in front of every single house? (and if it was, I wonder if she would complain about the unsightly sign in front of her house). 

I am of the opinion that we have a responsibility to be aware of the laws. We are all grown adults; we don't need someone to come knock at our front door and explain each law we are required to follow. I, myself, moved to this valley 11 years ago and knew about the law to not park on the road overnight within two months of moving here. 

Contrast this woman's letter with a friend of mine who at the same time, got a ticket for the same thing. Was she frustrated? Yes. Did she blame everyone other than herself? No. 

We definitely have a culture that is more and more failing to accept personal responsibility. When I recently went to Hawaii, we went to the Polynesian Cultural Center. At the Samoa exhibit, the young man from Samoa explained, "In Samoa, if you get hit in the head with a coconut, it is your fault. Even if someone throws the coconut at your head and you get hit, it is your fault. In the US, if you get hit by a coconut, it is someone else's fault. Even if you walk under a coconut tree and a coconut falls off the tree and lands on your head, it is not your fault! And you even get to sue the tree owner for

it." 

Hilarious. 

And true.

Can't you just see someone walking under a coconut tree, getting knocked in the head, and then suing whoever owned that coconut tree for negligence? 

If we get pulled over for speeding, it is "that jerk cop's" fault and not our own (a sentiment I disagree with--it is your fault for speeding. Sorry. I agree that speed traps are annoying, but if you aren't speeding, then you won't get "trapped." If you are speeding, then getting pulled over was a risk you took when you decided to go faster than the posted speed limit). 

Why is personal responsibility something important for us to be willing to accept as parents?

Because we expect it from our children. Usually. In our home, we expect the child to accept the consequences for their actions. We want them to be honest and forthright in their actions. 

If we want our children to do these things, we need to do these things. Most children will follow the actions of their parents. It is "monkey see, monkey do" not "do as I say, not as I do." 

Keep this in mind the next time you are faced with accepting responsibility for an action. Keep the same standards for yourself that you hope for your children (and everyone else's children). Example is a powerful teacher. Always remember the line, "Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying." Your child's number one teacher of morals is none other than you--and it is through your actions, not your lessons.

Related Posts:

• It Starts With You

• You Teach What You Are

• Be a Good Sheep