How to Raise Independent and Responsible Children

I have such a passion for helping children to be independent and personally responsible. I know that personally for me a huge part of my success as a person in my life can be attributed to the fact that I know I am responsible for myself. There are a lot of good reasons to be personally responsible--the discussion of those reasons isn't the purpose of this post. The purpose is to discuss how you get there. Here are some ideas.

Start with Proper Expectations

The first place to start is to realize what your child is actually capable of. Chances are your child is capable of more than you think. Whether you are working with chores, personal care, homework, practicing skills, or obedience, you want to have the proper expectations. Your child will rise to the occasion. You will likely often find yourself in the middle of a task you have always done realizing, "Hey, my kid could be doing this." For everything you do for your child, the day will come that your child will be able to do it himself. You have to be aware of that fact and watch for the day that your child is able to take that task over. An example from my life is one year when I realized Brayden, who was in second grade, could be making his own lunch in the morning. It was time to have him do it himself.

Once your child has reached that point, it is time to move on in our list of steps outlined below. Big milestones and transitions are a great time to evaluate what your child is doing and what your child could be doing. Big milestones when I evaluate are: back to school time, the new year, birthdays, and the end of a school year.

Explain and Teach

Just because your child is capable of something doesn't mean he was born knowing how to do so. Just because you have done something for your child for years doesn't mean your child has paid special, close attention and knows how to do it for herself.

For whatever it is you want your child to be able to do, you will need to instruct. Have your child help you. Have your child observe. Talk through the process.Once you have taught,  Ask your child to explain the process so you are sure she gets it. Let your child do it while you verbally instruct. Be patient with this process as it can take some time. Back to my lunch example, I decided that during the summer between second and third grade, I would have Brayden pack his lunch for park day to give him practice for packing it for school. I told him how, showed him how, and stood by his side as I handed the task over to him and helped him with questions that came up along the way. When the day came for him to do it on his own, I even made a printable to make it easy (you can get a free copy here):

• Organizing School Lunches

Have Rules and Expectations

Once your child knows how to do something, it is time to set some rules and expectations. Explain when the task needs to be done. Explain if you will be giving reminders or not. Explain the consequences that will follow if the task is not done. Make sure your child is clear on these rules. Going with my lunch example, if Brayden doesn't pack his lunch, he can eat the lunch the school provides--even if it is chili. 

You can have rules for the order things are done in--like maybe homework is done first thing after school. We have expectation that our children will clean up after themselves. We also have a rule that everyone cleans no matter who made the mess.

For help with appropriate chore expectations, see these posts:

• Our Family Plan ages 0-4

• Our Chores for 5-8 Year Olds

• 12 Chores Your Toddler Can Do

Give an Instruction and Walk Away

A lot of times we impede our children's progress by getting impatient and doing the task for our child. When you give your child an instruction, walk away so your child can do it. If you tell your child to get shoes on, walk away and do something else that needs to be done in order to leave. Don't stand there for five seconds (or even five minutes) and then get impatient and start to do it for your child. A good strategy is to tell your child to do something much sooner than you need it done. Another good idea is to do something to busy yourself while your child works on it. If you need to leave the house by 8:50, tell your child to get her shoes on at 8:40 or even 8:30 if needed, not 8:48. A new learner needs plenty of time. 

Always remember, doing things for your child might seem really nice, but it can actually be harmful in the long run. It is such a benefit to your child to learn life skills and be able to take care of himself. I think it is fine to do some things for our children that they can do for themselves at times. My husband often helps Brayden with a portion of his lunch each day. There is nothing inherently wrong with making lunch for your child. It can be a display of love and service from you. Just be sure your child is learning the skills associated with the task you are doing in some other way (in our example, Brayden helps make dinner at other times).

Start by Helping with Charts/Cards/etc.

We all need reminders, and it is fun and helpful to give your child a way to keep track of what needs to be done. I find when starting a new responsibility, these things are necessary, but as the child gets use to it, it is no longer needed. When we started having Brayden make his own lunch, I made an instruction list he could refer to each day. Today, he doesn't need to use it, but initially, it helped him make sure  he had everything he needed for his lunch. I have some posts on chore charts and such:

• Pinteresting Fridays: Chore Charts

• Chore Wheel

• Morning Chore Cards

• Chore Jar

• Chore Cards

Have Consequences When The Child Doesn't Follow Through

A concept I love from the Parenting with Love and Logic book is to keep in mind that stakes are low when your child is young. This means that today, Brayden having to eat school lunch isn't a huge deal. He might not like what is made that day, but he will surely survive. He will also likely not forget to make his lunch another day. He might be hungry, but life will go on. It is better to learn these lessons now while he is young and the consequences won't have a long-term negative impact on his life than in 20 years when he is an adult and his stakes are higher. 

Logical consequences are often effective for things your child is supposed to take care of himself. You can also remove privileges as a consequence. If you have a rule that there is no TV time until homework is done, if your child decides to watch TV first, you might take away TV time for a week.

Help Child Solve Own Problems

When your child comes to you with a problem that needs to be solved, don't just solve it for him. Help him learn wisdom. Talk him through it. Ask him some ways he could fix it. Stay calm and help him think it through. Do a brainstorming session. Once you have talked about options, ask your child which option he wants to do. Doing this helps your child become self-sufficient. Your child will be able to do the process on his own before long. 

Believe in Your Child

There is huge power in believing your child can do things. Have confidence in your child and trust your child to follow through. 

For more on this topic, see:

• Creating a "Good Helper"

• Chores

Peter Pan Syndrome and Three Year Olds

"No! I won't turn four. I am free!" Brinley emphatically exclaimed. She loved being three and loved being young. And yet. Yet she wanted to be independent. She wanted to "do it myself." She could feel her dependence on me slipping away, and it both scared and excited her at the same time. I could call this "Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome," but I will instead dub it "Peter Pan Syndrome."

A three year old naturally becomes more and more independent of mom as the year goes on. The three year old can move with more ease and fewer falls. A three year old can start to draw pictures and get undressed and dressed alone. It is an exciting time!

But also a nerve-wracking time. Just like Peter Pan, these little ones often find themselves fighting against the idea of growing up. Brinley emphatically insisted she would never be anything other than three again. Also like Peter Pan, these three year olds have an imagination that is unbridled. They live in an enchanted state where deem themselves to be good at everything and can imagine whatever world they want to exist. They are carefree for the most part and literally stop to smell the roses often. 

But of course Peter Pan wasn't just all fun and games, and neither are three year olds. Every so often, Peter found himself at Wendy's window to listen to stories. There was a draw to this motherly figure of Wendy and this responsible life the Banks children lived. 

In a similar manner, three year olds have a draw to taking on more responsibility. They don't want to grow up necessarily, but they do want the privileges that come with growing up. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with the skills a three year old develops, and it makes them feel good to reach those milestones.

You might be thinking, "That's all very nice and good. What do I do about it?"

You might also be thinking, "My child does not fight against growing up." An oldest child often won't show as much resistance to the growing up. In fact, an oldest might try to grow up too quickly. There can still be anxiety over the growing up process, however.

Back to what you do about it.

Don't Push Too Hard
If you have a three year old emulating Peter Pan and declaring she won't grow up, give her some time. If I told Brinley she was a big girl, she declared that no, she was a little girl. I backed off the big girl statements. Over time, she started wanting to do things the big girl way. I let her cruise at her pace without requiring her to embrace a "big girl" status in general, and now she often starts sentences like, "Mom, remember when I was a little girl and..."

That is a funny phrase coming from a three year old.

You Might Have to Push Some
Instead of saying push, let's say "encourage." Here is an example. A standard milestone a three year old should reach is the ability to dress and undress herself. Brinley has naturally done most of this step on her own by virtue of loving to play dress up. There is one area she was not getting, and that was taking a t-shirt type of shirt off by herself. She couldn't do it and she refused to try.

I didn't push it for a long time, but she is two months shy of four and it is really time she just do it. One day recently I told her she needed to take her shirt off by herself. She got the drama face on and said she couldn't do it. I assured her she could. I talked her through it. She was dramatic about it the whole way through, but as soon as she got it off, she burst into giggles and was so pleased with herself!

So I didn't push her to just become a big girl all at once. I let her warm up to the idea. I let her request certain things. And there were other things I have had to push. This might seem like letting the child parent, but we are talking about a three year old not wanting to grow up too quickly. You can take things slowly and let the child grow to accept and even embrace the idea of being a big kid. How do you do that?

Point Out Privileges that Come 
You get children excited about accepting growing up by pointing out the privileges that come with being a big kid. Oldest children inherently recognize those privileges and usually want to be like their parents, anyway. That is why you often don't have trouble talking an oldest into embracing "big kid" tasks. You usually have to talk them into holding on to childhood longer.

Do not allow your child the privileges that come with taking on more responsibility without taking on the responsibilities. Is it harder to take your shirt off by yourself? Yes. More effort is extended that way. So your child might not have motivation to do it.

You can use privileges your child wants as motivation to do others. "You want to drink out of a big kid cup at meals? Great! Only kids who put their pants on by themselves get to drink out of big kid cups. As soon as you put your pants on by yourself, you can drink from a big kid cup!"

Allow for Mistakes
A huge part of learning a new skill is making mistakes. There will be many spills, for example, when the big kid cup first comes out. Be smart about how much liquid you put in the cup. You might even start with just water at first. Be patient with the mistakes and mishaps as they come. If you make a big deal over them, your child can become hesitant to take on new tasks for fear of you getting upset when the inevitable mistake happens.

Conlusion
"I won't grow up" may be your child's favorite song right now, but with some patience and gentle prodding, your child will soon start sentences, "Mom, remember when I was little and..."

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Today I am posting over at Childwise Chat. I am talking about raising independent and responsible children. Go check it out!

In Our Efforts To Help, We Might Actually Hurt Them

Ah parenthood. We start out with this baby who is completely dependent on us. Completely. This baby could not live without us. With our first baby, this is probably pretty shocking and takes some adjustment, but considering the huge change we are making to life, we adjust relatively quickly and accept and even enjoy this neediness.

Some of us enjoy it too much.

Or enjoy aspects of it too much.

Or perhaps some of us are just a little bit of control freaks who can't let go of things. We might not really WANT to do everything ourselves, but to let a child help out would definitely mean an inferior result and we just can't allow ourselves to go there. 

Typically when I talk about this idea, I am led to discuss it in relation to cleaning things. I encourage you to let your child clean now and in a few years, you will be enjoying real, contributing help from your child. If you want some pep talk in this area, see these posts:

• Creating a "Good Helper"
• Getting Children Actively Engaged in Household Responsibilities
• Teaching Children Life Skills
• Work and Responsibility
• Work: More than Economic Value

I have clearly pounded that topic sufficiently (but no promises that I won't talk about it again because I am SUPER passionate about it). 

And I still have to tell myself to let my children help. I recently had my children snapping green beans so I could can them (bottle them-preserve them). Nice  helpers, but not quite efficient and keeping as much of the bean there as possible. Ack! I need as much as possible so I have as much as possible in my food storage...but they need to learn--for more than just the physical reasons. And so I tell myself in my head to let it go.

Okay, so not only do we need to let go our control issues over physical, tangible things in our homes go, we need to let go of our control issues over our children's lives.

Yikes!

And yes, I have talked about this one, too:

• Teach Your Child Independence :http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/04/teach-your-child-independence.html
• Parenting is like Gardening
• Fine Balance of Protecting Children

I recently read a quote that brought this all up in my mind again.

"...in our efforts to help, we may actually hurt them. The Lord has taught us the need to promote self-reliance. Even if we are able to help, we should not give or provide what they can and should do for themselves." -Stanley G. Ellis

This quote can be applied in a lot of circumstances, but as a mother with young children, I immediately thought of how this quote applies to me as a mother to my children. 

I should not give or provide what they can and should do for themselves.

At what point do I need to relinquish some control that I am clinging to?

I don't think this question has an easy answer. It isn't, "At age 8, your child can handle riding his bike to a friend's house a mile away on his own." Maybe he can. Maybe he can't. Some can and some can't. But our task as parents is to recognize when HE CAN and then ALLOW it to happen. It is about the child, not about you. Otherwise, in your efforts to help, you might actually hurt him. 

It would be easier if there were some master list of what freedoms to allow at certain ages. And by "it" I mean parenting in general. Even parenting a one year old would be easier if we had a checklist we could go through that told us what the child can handle and what she can't. But that list doesn't exist because Every child, family, parent, and situation is different. Safety and community are different. And you can't even just go off of what you or your husband did as kids because the world is a very different place. When we were young, we basically had to seek out trouble if we wanted it. In our current day, trouble seeks out our children. 

And that statement might make you want to keep your eye on your child at all times, but you still need to relinquish control. You need to teach your child how to "fish." You know the quote, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." This applies to your child, also.

Teach your child how to navigate life (aka fish) so he can eat for a lifetime! Don't keep catching his fish for him daily. He needs to learn how to do it himself. He needs to learn how to judge situations. Teach him how and then let him do it. At some point, you will lose that control whether you give it up willingly or not. So teach and let go so your child has the tools he needs to navigate when he leaves.

Worldproof Your Baby

source

A huge premise of  Free-Range Kids , at least what I take as a premise, is the idea that we shouldn't shelter our children from the world, we should world-proof our children (page xii). 

This really falls in line with my core belief about raising children--we are raising them to be able to leave us and be independent. A smaller version of this idea I have blogged about is: 

"Child-Proofing vs. House-Proofing." You can see similar ideas also in "Purposes of Parenting."

As Skenazy says, "Helping kids? Good. Doing everything for kids? Bad" (page xiii). She encourages parents to be "...preparing their kids for the world, instead of sheltering them from it" (page xvii). 

The hard question to answer is when and how to do these things. Skenazy allowed her 9 year old son to ride the subway alone in New York City--an action that had people from all over shouting their opinions on whether or not it was okay. I think most people would agree that yes, at some point this person needs to be able to ride a subway alone. What people do not agree on is what age is appropriate. And you know what? I don't think putting a blanket statement age on it is a fair thing in most circumstances. For more on the topic of shielding kids and when to let go, see Fine Balance of Protecting Children.

Through the course in discussions on this book, we will talk about many different scenarios you can face as a parent. I think our real question, most of the time, will be when is this appropriate, not is it appropriate. Some will be an is; most will be a when. And the answer, I think, will vary greatly from person to person. We all live in very different areas of the world, and we all also have very different life experiences that influence what risks we are willing to take. It definitely leads to interesting discussion :)

How to Prepare for a New Baby: Establish Independence in Children

How to Prepare for a New Baby: Establish Independence in Children. How to get siblings prepared for a new baby.

Taking care of a newborn and one or more other children is naturally much harder than just the newborn or just the other child(ren). A simple way to make life with a newborn easier on yourself is to take the opportunity during pregnancy to bring your child to independence on all age-appropriate activities.

Think about getting ready in the morning. You have yourself, your baby, and your other child(ren). If there is anything the other child(ren) can do independently, it will make your task-list shorter. Perhaps your three year old can learn to take her shirt off on her own. Perhaps your two year old can learn to put her own clothes on. Your seven year old might be ready for choosing his own clothes for the day. Your five year old can be expected to put her pajamas either away or in the hamper. Teach your children to do the things appropriate for their ages, and then have the expectation they will do so. 

Pregnancy, I think, is the best time to bring your children up to speed on these skills. Once the baby is here, your time will be far more limited than it is while pregnant. Trying to get out of the house by 9 AM and needing to get everyone ready, packed, and fed is not the ideal time to have the patience for your young child to put her shoes on by herself or buckle herself into her carseat. 

The more things your child can do independently, the more multi-tasking can happen. You can set clothes out for the older child and have her get dressed while you change the baby's clothes. To get to this independence, follow these steps:

1. Think through the things your child could possibly do at his/her age. For guidance on this, see this post: Creating a Parenting Plan. You can also follow your child's lead. Children are good at asking to do things. Another thing to do is to think through your daily routine and think of what your child could be doing that he isn't now doing. 
2. Train and teach your child to do the desired task. Expect it to take at least weeks to get right. This will require patience and time. Be sure to start a task with enough time for your child to do it herself. If you struggle doing this in the heat of the moment, set aside time for training in non-conflict, so practice putting shoes on when you aren't going anywhere.
3. Allow your child to make mistakes along the way. Have patience through the process.

Following these steps is a great thing to do routinely--we want our children gaining independent skills as they get older. It is especially beneficial to focus on while pregnant so that when the baby comes, everyone can do their best to be independent as age appropriate.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Pregnancy
• Must Read Posts to Prep for Baby