Showing posts with label technology. Show all posts

Technology Index

Why We Do Not Have a Video Player in Our Vehicle

In this post: Reasons we do not have a DVD or video player in our family vehicle.

I love not having television/movies/tech permanently in our vehicle. When we purchased our [van] (not a vehicle I am bragging about..I still haven't gotten over it 3.5 years later. I know. Most of you love yours), I initially wanted a DVD player in it. Our Denali didn't have a DVD or Video player and I really wanted to have one in this vehicle.

As we looked at [vans], however, I changed my mind. I was afraid it would turn into a crutch I relied on too readily. I reasoned that we can easily bring along our Kindles or iPad for the long drives when we really want technology to be part of the drive. I didn't want it to be a thing when we drove around town.

Reasons We Do Not Have a Video Player

I am so glad I made that choice! The car is a place where a lot of great conversation can happen if the environment is there for it. As my children get older, the car conversations become more and more invaluable. Parents of older kids all agree that car talks are among the best talks they have with their kids. I think the triad communication theory is at work. You aren’t able to stare your child down, so it feels more comfortable. You are both able to focus on an activity (the driving). It is great.

When I was growing up, we drove 4 hours to visit my grandparents quite frequently. All of those years, I never had technology. I figured if I could do that (in the snow, uphill, both ways), my kids can handle a 20 minute drive through town with nothing but their minds, each other, and their amazing parents to entertain them. Some of my favorite memories from childhood and our best inside family jokes stem from those long drives (and other, longer drives).

When we take really long drives, we definitely will take along technology to help entertain the children. While I took long drives as a child without technology and survived, just because I didn't have something as a child doesn't mean my children can't ever. There are plenty of things that weren't invented when I was a child my children are able to enjoy today. In our modern day of inexpensive tablets, you can get a tablet for each child and it will cost less than the system in your vehicle.

There is also a money-saving aspect to not having a media player installed into your vehicle. It saves a lot of money! In our modern world, you can bring along an array of tablets for children when you want the technology in the car. We figured we could buy every person in the family a Kindle Fire for cheaper than we could install an entertainment system in the van. We are not alone in this conclusion. Read more about if it is worth the expense here.

Reasons You Might Prefer a Video Player

There are definitely people who love having a DVD player in their vehicle. Some love it because it is an easy way to keep a toddler quiet in the car while a baby is sleeping.

It is also very convenient to have the tech already installed in your vehicle. It is there for any emergency that might arise. Families can put boundaries and rules on the use of the DVD player. If you never use it driving around town, the child simply knows it isn't an option. If the child asks to watch something while driving around town, you respond with a no and they know it is a no. This is comforting because most new family-sized vehicles in our modern age will come with a video player automatically. You can have one and still have boundaries.

Another reason people enjoy having a video player in their vehicle is because their little ones are too small to work something like a tablet. Having a video player just makes sense for them because the children don't have to be capable of running it.

Always remember you are the parent. You decide if there is a video player or not. You decide when tech can be used in the vehicle and when it is off limits. Setting limits is wise for your long-term parenting. Start as you mean to go on. If you turn the vehicle into a place where everyone plus in to tech and out of each other, you will most likely have preteens and teens who don't visit with you on car rides. There is great value in what can be talked about in the vehicle. Whatever your rules and setup, be sure you are willing and able to go no-tech with your older children.

See Also:

Rules for Balancing Screen Time

Balancing Technology

TV Time Under Two

The Tech-Wise Family Book Review

This is a review for the book The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place (affiliate link). I really enjoyed this book. One of the things I really liked about it is that the author, Andy Crouch, is very reasonable and stated often that this is what worked for his family and it might not be exactly what you want to do. You may be more strict or you may be less strict. You may keep some things and cut others. It is full of great ideas for how to have technology in your life but not let it consume life in your family.

I read this book because as modern parents, we do not have wisdom that has gone before us on the technological front. Most if not all other parenting concerns have been faced for many years and we can ask older parents and grandparents what they did. What worked? We can glean wisdom. With technology, however, we are so new with it that it is a situation where we don't have the gift of hindsight yet.

The author says (I read this on my Kindle, so no page numbers), "But the pace of technological change has surpassed anyone's capacity to develop enough wisdom to handle it." This is just how I feel about it. Technology is so fresh, we don't even really know what we are dealing with yet.

Technology Rule Ideas

Here are some of the rules and ideas about rules I loved from the book.

Our Family is Different: "But if there's one thing our children need to hear from us, over and over again, it's this: "Our family is different." I fully agree with this. I agree with this on every level of parenting, and that includes technology. We have to be willing as parents to set rules that we feel are best and stick with them, even if "all the other parents" have different rules. Your children are individuals and need an individual plan.
Keep Technology In It's Place: "Technology is in its proper place when it helps us bond with the real people we have been given to love." I love this measuring stick for technology. Is technology helping you bond with the people in your life whom you love? Or is it distracting you from bonding with the people in your life? There may be times it does both. When technology is distracting you from the people in your life, take a step back and put some limits on technology. "Sure, there are other people at the end of those interactions, but they all too often substitute my family."
Don't Be a Passive Consumer: "When we let technology replace the development of skill with passive consumption, something has gone wrong." Be a creator in life, not just a passive consumer. We can easily let technology become all that we do. "Children, in particular, are driven to create--if we just nudge them in that direction."
Set Limits: "If there's one thing I've discovered about technology, it's that it doesn't stay in its proper place on its own;...it finds its way underfoot all over the house and all over our lives. If we aren't intentional and careful, we'll end up with a quite extraordinary mess." Technology won't meter itself and it is easy to get sucked away and lose track of time. Set limits so you can control it. I know technology can seem to make life easier, but as the author states, "...the more you entertain children, the more bored they will get."
Live the Life You Want: "We are continually being nudged by our devices toward a set of choices, The question is whether those choices are leading us to the life we actually want." Spend your life the way you want to spend it. I think we often cruise through technology and later regret the way you spent that time. Just be sure you are spending your days the way you want to spend them. "We simply have to turn off the easy fixes and make media something we use no purpose and rarely rather than aimlessly and frequently."
No Technological Secrets: Have the computer in a public place and make sure the parents have the password to every device in the house, including each other's. "Until children reach adulthood, parents should have total access to their children's devices."
Have Breaks: Have no-technology times. The author had a no tech rule for one hour a day every day, one day of the week every week, and one week of the year every year. At our house, we like to do a technology fast for one week every month. Choose what might work for you and set those rules and limits.
Do Not Allow Devices in Bedrooms: This is pretty self-explanatory. We have a "charging station" in our house where the devices go at night. This is something we started years ago. By the time the kids are teenagers, it will have been a part of life for as long as they can remember. It won't be a big deal.
Car Time is Conversation Time: Keep technology out of the car as much as possible so you will use that time for conversations instead. The car is one of the best places for having great talks. I promise you will love that you established this rule as your children age.
Other Rules: He had some other rules that are of interest but not what we do at our house. One is to not allow screens in the lives of children at all until age 10. He admits that is extreme, but they did that in their family and loved it. He also talked about pre-recorded music as a bad version of technology.

Setting rules isn't always easy. Our children might fight back. We might even get other parents telling us we are doing it all wrong. Mommy wars are a real thing, and technology rules is not a battle people skip over. You will probably get people who disagree with the rules you set. While it is helpful to know what other people have as rules so you can help consider if your rules are all appropriate, do not give into "peer-pressure" any more than you want your children to. You have to set the rules you think are best for your family, no matter what everyone else is and isn't doing.

This book was a fast read and gave some great ideas and considerations for technology rules to set in your families. It was very accepting of the fact that other people will have different rules and it didn't make you feel like a bad parent for not agreeing with him or for having other rules in mind. I highly recommend it to get your mind thinking about these rules and to get some good ideas for tech rules in your home.

Related Posts:

How To Successfully Do a Technology Fast

I expected weeping and wailing. Gnashing of teeth. I at least expected gasps of utter horror.

Instead I got nonchalant, "Okay" responses from my children. My four-year old may have furrowed her brow in consternation a bit, but no words were uttered.

I had made the announcement. We were going to have a technology fast.

A fast. To abstain from. Completely.

No television. No movies. No devices. No video games.

Nothing.

For an entire week.

We already limit technology at our house. 3 hours a week per child of video game/device time. Maybe a movie each week. Rarely television during school weeks. Like, maybe one evening a week if they do that instead of the movie.

Even so, the kids were addicted. Technology was the only thing they could think to do. We probably had some extra technology time with the extra harsh winter we were going through, but not by much. All they could think to do was watch TV or play video games.

So we needed a little detox session.

A little into the fast, Kaitlyn made a comment one more that everyone was so happy. Brayden piped in and said it was because we were doing the technology fast and having no screen time made everyone happier. Kaitlyn then asked if we could do a technology fast every month and Brayden agreed.

Here are the details of the fast.

Step 1: Start with a warning

I told my kids one week before the fast that we would be going without technology for a week. This gave them plenty of time to process the idea and mentally prepare themselves. I of course reminded them periodically throughout the week, and the night before.

When you give your warning, your children might ask why you will be doing that. Brayden asked me. I was fully honest with him. I had been doing my research for my

Rules for Balancing Screen Time post and explained the situation to him. Technology has been found to be as addictive as drugs, and at times we might need to cut back to help ourselves maintain control over ourselves.

Step 2: Start the fast on the start day

This is a simple task! Remind the family that the technology fast is starting.

Step 3: Stick to the fast

Stick to the fast! No screens for no reason. There will be things that come up that leave you wishing you chose a different day. Stay strong! Do not cheat! You are DEtoxing. You can't sprinkle it in there when it seems convenient and expect to get detoxed.

During our fast, Brayden had a swim meet. Swim meets are loooong (hours) and they are not the kind of event that draw you in the whole time. You get excited when your swimmer swims, which lasts half a minute to a couple of minutes depending on the distance. You might look up if there are a lot of cheers for other swims, but for the most part, you do a lot of sitting. We typically let the girls do some movie watching during a swim meet. Couldn't do this one!

Kaitlyn and McKenna had already taken up weaving through the week since they were doing no technology, so they had their weaving stuff with them. Brinley did some coloring, looking at books, and some sitting on my lap harassing me. It was definitely harder with her without the technology to distract her, but it wasn't a terrible, horrible experience.

Step 4: Point out the happy feelings that come

Just like Brayden pointed it out for us, when people have that extra perk in their step, find a great new hobby, or have fun inventing a new game, point out how they were able to do it all thanks to the technology fast.

Step 5: Repeat when necessary

We really are doing a fast for one week of each month, and it is so worth it! Repeat your own fast as needed.

Conclusion

A technology fast can be hard, but it is a great way to help break obsessive focus on technology in the home. You might be afraid and expect that gnashing like I did, but you will definitely find positive results if you give it a go.

What Age Should Your Child Be Allowed To Have Social Media Accounts?

As your child comes out of the preteen years and approaches the teen years, you will likely start to get inquiries about when he/she can open up various social media accounts, if you haven't heard about it earlier than that. The minimum age for most social media sites is 13 according to each platform's rules. Despite that, many, many children sign up earlier than that, using a fake birthday to create an account.

"According to The Social Age Study by knowthenet.org.uk, approximately 59% of children have already used a social network by the time they are 10." as reported on the Huffington Post

Brayden is coming up on 12 and recently inquired about social media. Would he get accounts on some of these social media sites when he turned 12? A lot of people at school are getting them as they turn 12 (which I know is true because they follow me on Instagram. Many even started younger than 12). His upcoming birthday has led me to do some researching, digging, and pondering on the topic. While I am not yet at a solid stance, I have come to enough awareness that I want to shed some insight to the topic sooner rather than later so you can also be pondering for your children. I will no doubt write on this topic frequently over the years as we navigate these waters.

The reality is that we are yet to have a generation who has lived through the social media world be able to tell us, verbally or statistically, what is and isn't a good idea. We don't have wise grandmothers to turn to to glean advice from on how to handle the social media beast. We are pioneers on this front. Pioneers build strong foundations for future generations, and we must do the same with social media.

We do have experiences of some to look to. And we do have opinions of people, like law enforcement, who deal with the potential ramifications of social media issues on a daily basis. Here is what I have found so far.

SO...WHAT AGE?

Let's say at this point you are dead set on your child getting social media as a child and want to know the best age to do so. Your child must be at least 13. Don't do it younger than 13. At least wait until your child is 13 to set up social media accounts. This post dose a great job talking about some reasons why. In summary:

COPPA: The Children's Online Privacy Protection Act protects children under the age of 13. If your child signs up under the age of 13, but had to lie about his/her age to do so, your child is no longer protected by that act.
Brain Development: "Research shows that it takes children about 12 years to fully develop the cognitive structures that enable them to engage in ethical thinking." This is a point I have come across time and time again when researching this topic. Honestly, age 13 doesn't go far enough for me. Do we all not remember what it was like to be a teenager? The stupid things that were done? Even beyond 14: "There is also biology to consider. The prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain that controls impulse, finishes developing in the mid-20s. In other words, parents should not be surprised if younger children with smartphones lack impulse control." (What's the Right Age for a Child to Get a Smartphone?)
Lying: If you help your child set up a social media account under the age of 13, you have to lie to do so, and you are teaching your child that's okay. I don't know about you, but I don't want to start my child's social media life off with a "lying is sometimes okay" undertone.

I also enjoyed this article from the New York Times.

"The takeaway will not please smartphone makers: The longer you wait to give your children a smartphone, the better. Some experts said 12 was the ideal age, while others said 14. All agreed later was safer because smartphones can be addictive distractions that detract from schoolwork while exposing children to issues like online bullies, child predators or sexting.
“The longer you keep Pandora’s box shut, the better off you are,” said Jesse Weinberger, an internet safety speaker based in Ohio who gives presentations to parents, schools and law enforcement officials. “There’s no connection to the dark side without the device.”"

BUT...EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT

Age old issue. What did we used to hear from our parents? "If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you?"

Would you?

Our parents asked us that. As teenagers, we often wanted to jump off the cliff to fit in. And now, as parents, we are sending our children to jump off the cliffs because everyone else is doing it. Instead of stepping back an asking our children why they think they need to follow the crowd like our parents did, we are worried about our children being left out of the crowd.

Stay away from the cliff. Wait until your child is 13.

And then, carefully consider if you want to allow it past then.

I am glad that I have some more time to ponder this topic before Brayden hits 13. I had thought the magic age was 12, but now that it is 13, I still have some more time. But as I think, here are some points that have been brought to my attention.

Social media is causing real problems. I don't think it was by accident that just over a week ago, I was talking with a good friend who works at our emergency dispatch location (she takes 9-1-1 phone calls). She isn't allowed to talk about any details on calls she gets. That day, there was a hearing for a call she had taken. A call where a 14 year old girl was shot in the head by 16 year old boy and his friend. Why? So far, the reason given by the shooter is he was tired of her Snapchatting him so much.My friend was understandably emotional that day as we visited. It is a hard case for her as a parent to be involved in. She shared that based on several calls she has taken over the last several months, she took her two teen daughters' social media accounts away. Fully gone. She agonized over the prospect of doing it for a while before actually doing it. She talked with a detective who strongly recommended she take the social media away. Based on what he is seeing, he said he wishes he could tell all parents to do the same.

An interesting part to this story for me is that her two daughters didn't even care that social media was taken away. In fact, she said her older daughter seemed relieved and in the weeks since, has been happier than ever.

This shooting story is just one story that is local where I am. I would guess many, if not most, of you can think of a similar tragic story in your area in the last few years.
Children need a break from the drama. When we were kids, we had a safe place, called home. With social media, home isn't a safe place anymore. No where is. Everywhere you to, your life can be penetrated. There is no break. I read, and shared on Facebook, this interesting article where the father explained they won't let their son have a smartphone because they want him to have a break. "I want you to be free from middle school drama when you’re at home. Of course, our son thinks the phone represents a new rung on the ladder, the next step toward the freedom of adulthood. We think the phone, at his age, is a step down into slavery. It traps kids, just like it can trap adults, into the social game of likes and comments and never-ending comparisons." I have adult friends who can't handle these things--worrying about likes and comparing themselves to others. Some have removed themselves from social media as a result. Others suffer through the insecurities brought on by social media.
Even adults often can't handle the drama. Sometimes it feels like social media has reintroduced the high school culture into our lives. Remember when we left high school and grew up? I know not all of you young mothers were really able to do that unless you don't use social media. But those of us who are older or don't use social media left high school drama once. We put the drama behind us and gained some powerful perspective on life. Look, I loved high school. Fully. I wouldn't even mind repeating it. I had a great time and some of my favorite days each year are the days I get together with my high school friends. However, there was DRAMA in high school! Anyone like me who graduated before social media existed was able to put that behind us. Social media is definitely a way drama has been reintroduced into the lives of adults. Some adults can't handle it. They post things they shouldn't, they overshare, they get their feelings hurt, and they call out people. If adults act like they do on social media, you better believe teenagers step it up beyond that.
Dangers of sexting, pornography, and predators are real. Those all exist. Those are there and always will be. Are teenagers smart enough to avoid those things? Obviously not all. Again, let's step back and remember what it was like to be a teenager. Teenagers tend to think they are indestructible in every way. Even people who were overall very mature, responsible teenagers can look back on teen years and think of at least one event where they recognize that act or decision was really stupid. The dangers of sexting, pornography, and predators are all very real, but that doesn't mean our teens will believe the dangers are real to them.
Children need to learn to communicate "the old fashioned way." Yes, a lot of communication can and does happen over social media or texting in our modern world. However, in the real world, there is still a lot of communication that needs to happen face to face or voice to voice. More and more people are uncomfortable with people trying to talk to them in person or call them on the phone. We still live in a society where communication skills are important, however. When I was in high school and college, communication skills were number one for employers when looking for an employee. It is still high if not number one today. According to this New York Times article, "James P. Steyer, chief executive of Common Sense Media, a nonprofit organization that reviews content and products for families, has a strict rule for his family: His children get a smartphone only when they start high school — after they have learned restraint and the value of face-to-face communication."

BUT...I HAVE GOOD ARGUMENTS FOR SOCIAL MEDIA

Above you find all of my concerns with social media. The more I have researched it, the longer my list of concerns has grown. Now, I am a blogger. As such, I personally have a lot of social media accounts. I also actually think social media can be used for a lot of good. It has its major benefits to life! We are able to connect with people and stay in touch with relatives who live far from us. We are able to find and share great ideas and life hacks with each other. We are able to find like-minded parents and parents going through similar life situations. We can be inspired and uplifted. I personally love social media. My knee-jerk is to let my kids get on it and love the benefits!

On the major flip side at our house, my husband does not have one single social media account. Not one. He isn't against them in general, he just has no interest in it.

As I first started pondering this topic, I thought, "Social media is a prevalent part of life in our modern world. Shouldn't we let children use it so we can teach them how to use it correctly? Won't they be behind if they don't use it and all of their friends are? Won't they feel and even be left out of things without social media? And doesn't drama come home either way? Might as well bring the drama home and not let them be left out."

I would imagine many of you have had similar veins of thought as you have read thus far. Here are some of my refutations to myself.

Social media is prevalent, yes. However, there are a lot of things in life that are prevalent that we don't allow children to do until they are considered old enough to handle it. Let's take driving a car. Most adults drive cars, just like most adults have social media accounts. Does that mean our elementary-aged children need to be driving cars? No. Laws vary from state to state for when teenagers can legally drive, but they all manage to learn to drive as a teenager and still function in society as an adult. I would guess we could safely assume a child can also wait to learn social media as an older teenager or even adult and function just fine. In fact, I have only been on social media for 9 years! This month is my 9 year anniversary of joining social media. That means I was in my mid-twenties when I first started learning.

Not being on social media can definitely leave you feeling or even being left out. Will my kids be the odd ones out if they aren't on social media pretty much ASAP? Possibly. They might feel like the only ones in the world without social media accounts. I refuse to parent based on what is the status quo, however. I am their parent. It is my job to do what is best for them no matter what all the other parents are doing.

I have a handful of friends who are not on social media at all. There is a lot we plan as friends on social media because it is easy and convenient. Guess what we do, though, because we are nice friends? We make sure we contact our non-social media friends so they know about our girls' nights and park days. They might not be privy to every conversation that happens on social media, but I don't feel less close to those friends because of it. My children can ask any friends they are close to who are on social media to tell them about events they need to know about that are discussed and planned on social media if that becomes an issue.

As far as drama goes, yes, your teenage child will bring drama home with him/her at some point. For sure. If there is no social media to continue to fuel that drama, however, there can be a break and a recharging time. There can be time to reflect, take a step back, and try to get in a good mental space. There is time to think about what really matters, to hash things out with mom or dad, and gain some perspective on the situation. There can be solace at home. There can be refuge. The drama can dissipate.

CONCLUSION

I am not at a full conclusion yet with my thoughts on social media for my children. I don't have a planned set age. I am still gathering insight and wisdom into the whole matter. My husband and I will talk it out and pray about what we think is best. Some day, I am sure I will have wisdom to pass on to you based on life experience. As it is right now, I am trying to best set my oldest up for a positive experience. I am trying to be an adult and parent based on what is right for each of my children. I am not trying to be his best buddy. I am his parent first. He only has two parents and needs us to act like parents.

You can bet he will not get social media until age 13 at the youngest. That much is sure. I still have time to ponder the topic beyond that date. We will decide from there based on what we feel is best, and what we feel is right as his parents.

See also:

Rules for Balancing Screen Time

Screen time can be fun. It can be helpful for mom on rough days. Screen time needs some balance, however. This post outlines four rules to help you have a balanced screen time approach in your home (and why you want to do so).

When we first moved into our current house 7.5 years ago, we had no television hook up. Antenna service wasn't fantastic in our area then. Satellite service was so very expensive. Cable service was not an option in our neighborhood since a contractor cut the main line when building one of the homes. So we did without for about six months...until American Idol started up and I needed television access.

Those were a great six months. It was haaarrrddd at first. We were all used to our short but daily television time. Brayden and Kaitlyn didn't know what to do at first (McKenna was still a baby). They figured things out, though. They found things to do and managed to have an enjoyable six months despite the lack of television in their lives.

Despite our enjoyable hiatus all those years ago, we do allow screen time at our house, though our children do not have free reign with it. We have limits. I am trying to teach them balance. We live in a world filled with technology. I want them to learn to meter screen time and use it wisely.

We have been raising a voyager generation over the last ten-ish years. Our children are the first to grow up with access to screens everywhere. Screens are becoming more and more present in our lives. Even many restaurants are cutting back on waitress time and replacing that interaction with a screen. We have to figure out how to teach our children to learn to balance technological presence in their lives while simultaneously trying to do the same in our own lives.

"The uncertain reality is that, with this new technological frontier in its infancy and developments emerging at a rapid pace, we have neither the benefit of historical hindsight nor the time to ponder or examine the value and cost of these advancements in terms of how it influences our children’s ability to think." How Technology Changes the Way Children Think and Focus

We don't know all of the impact technology has. I do not feel technology is all good, nor do I think it is all bad. I think we can take it either direction. I am a believer in the axiom "moderation in all things," and so at our house, we have moderation when it comes to technology. Here are some rules we have in our home for balancing screen time.

Have Limits

Limit the amount of time allowed with screens in a week. Limit the places screens are allowed (no dinner-time screens, for example). Limit the number of days screens are allowed each week.

Some children (and humans) might be able to have free reign with no rules or limitations with technology and not spend most of their free time with it, but most cannot. They need limits. I don't use the term "need" lightly. They NEED limits. Need. You cannot let your children have free reign and unlimited access to screens.

The impact of television and other technology on people is an old debate. When I was in college, I worked in the writing center tutoring students through their required English 1010 and English 2010 classes. In 2010, they were required to write a paper defending a topic. One of the most popular topics covered was if television was harmful or not. The thesis statements came down on both sides of the issue.

I stand firmly on the side that says television (and other forms of screens) impacts you. Screens impact you. Since my college days, more and more studies have come out to support that thesis.

"Many parents intuitively understand that ubiquitous glowing screens are having a negative effect on kids. We see the aggressive temper tantrums when the devices are taken away and the wandering attention spans when children are not perpetually stimulated by their hyper-arousing devices. Worse, we see children who become bored, apathetic, uninteresting and uninterested when not plugged in.

But it’s even worse than we think.

We now know that those iPads, smartphones and Xboxes are a form of digital drug. Recent brain imaging research is showing that they affect the brain’s frontal cortex — which controls executive functioning, including impulse control — in exactly the same way that cocaine does. Technology is so hyper-arousing that it raises dopamine levels — the feel-good neurotransmitter most involved in the addiction dynamic — as much as sex." source here

Did you catch that last paragraph? Read it again. "...in exactly the same way that cocaine does." Technology needs limits. NEEDS. Needs.

At our house, our children get three hours of video game time a week (if they don't pass of piano songs, they get two hours instead. I tell them that is how they can find the extra time to practice their songs to the point of passing). Yes, I said week. I know numbers show some children have more than twice that in a day. We are week.

They get maybe one hour of television a week, though we don't have hard-drawn rules. Most weeks, it is zero. This is different for Brinley, though. She gets an hour a day.

They might also watch one movie each week on the weekend.

We have exceptions. This past weekend, the Steelers played a football game. The Steelers are my kids' team. They watched the game. I didn't turn it off after an hour; they watched the whole thing. So have rules, but don't be afraid of making exceptions in either direction. More on that below.

Take a Break When Needed

Even with your limits, you will find times when your children seem overly addicted and obsessed with technology and need a full on break. I call this a technology fast. I find this need especially true for my children in extended periods of bad weather. For example, right now, we have had feet and feet of snow in just 2.5 weeks. We have had three snow days from school when there hasn't been one in 15 years. Our area is used to snow, but this is a season's worth of snow in a couple of weeks.

Just yesterday, I told my husband I feel like the kids need a full on break from technology. They have limits. They know their limits. Even so, they ask for extensions. They ask for more. We decided that next week will be no screen time week for our kids. A technology fast.

My kids know it is coming and they are totally on board and supportive of it. They can tell they are feeling obsessive. They don't like the feeling and want to break the cycle. They also know why we are doing the fast. It isn't a punishment. It isn't because we are mean parents. It is because we love them. We have explained our reasoning for having technology fasts and they get it.

"...your kid’s brain on Minecraft looks like a brain on drugs. No wonder we have a hard time peeling kids from their screens and find our little ones agitated when their screen time is interrupted. In addition, hundreds of clinical studies show that screens increase depression, anxiety and aggression and can even lead to psychotic-like features where the video gamer loses touch with reality." source

I find it imperative to take these breaks from technology from time to time. This following quote helps me hold my position:

"In my clinical work with over 1,000 teens over the past 15 years, I have found the old axiom of “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” to be especially true when it comes to tech addiction. Once a kid has crossed the line into true tech addiction, treatment can be very difficult. Indeed, I have found it easier to treat heroin and crystal meth addicts than lost-in-the-matrix video gamers or Facebook-dependent social media addicts."source

No Screens In Bedrooms

I talked about this in How to Establish Safe Media Standards For Your Family; do not allow screens in your child's bedroom. Have a place electronics are stored each night. This protects your child in many ways. For the purposes of this article, it helps protect your child from spending too much time with screens.

It's Okay To Have Days You Have More Screen Time Than Usual

The potential for addiction is real. We need to be mindful of that. Some days, however, we might allow our children to indulge heavily in screen time. Those are not days to be guilty over! You might be sick. You might have a newborn. You might be trying to get some project completed. You might be in major need of a break. It is okay to have the occasional day that breaks your limitations. Make these days the the exceptions and it is okay to use them when you need to.

Conclusion

Technology can have its place, and can even have its benefits.

" Research shows that, for example, video games and other screen media improve visual-spatial capabilities, increase attentional ability, reaction times, and the capacity to identify details among clutter. Also, rather than making children stupid, it may just be making them different. " source

Despite the benefits, you can have too much of a good thing and striving to have balance in your home is wise. There are harmful impacts of too much screen time, and those impacts are becoming documented. Be intentional with your days and with your rules. Roald Dahl recognized the damage of too much television when he wrote his book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What was true for Mike Teavee all those years ago is true today. Plus, you'll get no commercials.

Related Posts:

Balancing Technology

Digital Overload and What to Do About It

Babywise Friendly Blog Network:

The ladies of the Babywise Friendly Blog Network (BFBN) are all talking on screen time today. Check their posts out:

How to Establish Safe Media Standards For Your Family

As I sat listening to the older, seasoned women in the room talk, I came to the horrifying realization that we were alone. My generation of parents were the pioneers in learning how to parent children in the digital-crazed, media-filled modern day. On most parenting topics, we can turn to people who have been there, done that. Even if the world is a bit different, we can glean wisdom because the basic problems faced are the same.

But the digital world has changed that.

We don't have previous wisdom to tell us what age is wise to allow a child to get a cell phone. We don't have data to show the impact of too much social media, or even too little media. I mean, we are living in a digital world; will children be able to grow to be adults who can function in society if they are simply banned from digital media throughout their childhood?

That horrifying realization was about ten years ago. We knew very little then. We could postulate and hypothesize. We did not know for sure, though.

Ten years is a long time, and we now have some evidence of what media is doing to our world. We are starting to have young adults come into society having a hard time interacting face to face; they are used to interacting over things text and SnapChat. Granted not all early 20-somethings are that way, but it is prevalent in society.

The concern goes beyond concern for social skills, however. It goes deeper than that. It goes to concern for moral skills.

When children and teenagers (and even adults!) have the Internet at their fingertips 24 hours a day, they do more than surf and chat with friends. Many times, they chat with strangers and end up in morally compromising situations. Many times, they find themselves caught up in pornography.

So how do we protect our children from this pitfall?

Remember when I said even if the world is different, we can glean wisdom from those who have gone before us? Even in facing the digital unknown, we can apply that principle.

What are some core values we can look to? What can we do with our children even from a young age to help protect them against media pitfalls down the road? How can we possibly manage this without years of wisdom to guide us? Here are some ideas.

1-You are the parent, and therefore in charge

Always keep this in mind. You are the parent, so you are the one in charge. That means you get to set the rules. That means you get to set the limits. That means you get to set the limitations. Keep this in mind from the time your child is young and on up. Your child has one set of parents, but many friends. Do not neglect the parenting role in order to try to fill the friend role. Have the Courage to Be a Parent. See also:

2-Start as you mean to go on

Start as you mean to go on. We talk about this with sleeping and with simple discipline rules. Do the same thing with your media and technology rules. Do not start something with a toddler or preschooler that you don't want happening with a teenager. Always keep prevention in mind. It is easier to prevent problems than to fix problems. Now, this doesn't mean you can't ever change a rule or update a rule. Just be aware of habits you are allowing to form and precedents you are setting and be sure they are habits you are okay with.

3-Limit the amount of time your child is using technology

Keep your child plugged into the world around her. Do not let her only interact with the online world. Have her interact with the people around her, also. It is okay for you to have a time limit on how much technology can be consumed in a day. It is okay to just not allow any technology on certain days. I have a friend who doesn't allow any television or video games at all except on Saturdays. We do a three hour video game limit per week at our house. There are a lot of ways you can go, and there isn't one right way for every family or for every season. If the precedent is that there are limitations, then even when the limitations change, your child will understand that limitations exist in your home. For more on this topic, see Balancing Technology and also Digital Overload and What to Do About It.

With that said, technology is part of life. Do not try to just banish it from your family's life. You want to teach your children to learn to manage it. Help them learn to use technology for their own good and for helping others. What you want to avoid is your child letting technology use them.

4-Keep technology off at certain times

Today we have smartphones and tablets. When I was a kid, it was the television. While we have 24 hour finger access to technology, the idea of technology infiltrating the home is not new. Having the phone ring on the wall isn't that different from your phone beeping to alert you of a text. What is the wisdom from those who came before us?

Have times when technology is not turned to. Have family dinner without interruptions from the television, Facebook, or texting. Choose other times to just have the phones and devices put away. Make a policy. Make it a tradition. Make it what you do. Do it now so it is just the way it is when your children are teenagers.

5-Do not allow electronics to be taken into the bedroom

When my children are second graders and really grow into being avid readers, I get them a Kindle Fire (affiliate link) for Christmas. The perk of the Fire is that you can watch movies on it and play games on it, which is great if you are going on a long car ride and don't have a TV in your car.

As my children got older, however, I became increasingly uncomfortable with them taking the Internet to their bedroom each night. They were reading books, but as they got older, the possibility of them using the Internet and having something pop up became more and more of a concern. They say that it is not a matter of IF your child will see something in appropriate on the Internet, but WHEN. I don't want that when to be in their bedroom alone at night.

Computers are not new to the world, and a long-standing piece of advice for families has been to put the computer in a common area in the home so that people can not use it privately. That is the wisdom I have to look at from those who came before me. Keeping that same idea, it made no sense to send the Internet into my child's bed each night.

With that realization, I literally purchased (affiliate link) Kindle Paperwhites for Brayden and Kaitlyn the next day. I don't love spending money, especially when I basically already have the item. They both had Fires already. They read on their Fires. But the cost was low in my mind. I got them each a Paper White without the special offers. I didn't want them getting advertising. They are not allowed to take the Fire into their bedrooms. They can take their Paperwhite with them to bed to read at night.

I know a lot of families have a common charging station in the kitchen or other public area. Everyone plugs their phones and other devices in at the charging station each night. That way you can be sure

devices are not being taken to the bedroom.

6-Always have a policy that you can check any device, any time

Make a habit to check devices. Monitor what has been going on with the device. What texts have been made, what phone calls have been made, what websites have been visited? Now, sadly the world of technology changes constantly and apps are created to be able to do things untracked. That leads us to...

7-Stay aware of trends

It is wise for you to find someone to follow who is on the up and up with technology. Unless you are an expert, you won't be able to keep up. Find people you can follow who will keep up for you. Two ideas for you are Common Sense Media or The Cyber Safety Lady. Remember, technology changes more often than you changed your clothes when you had a newborn. You have to choose to be aware. What is the latest app being used? Be friends with your child on any social media site she is on. You might even require that you have the password as well.

8-Be an example

Parental example is always the first place a child looks to learn about life. Be an example of wise media use. Do not let your phone rule your life. Interact with your child and not your phone. Let that text message wait until after dinner. Resist the urge to pull the phone out every time you are bored. For young children, your example is the most profound teacher in life.

Conclusion

Enough time has now passed that we do have parents to look to with advice for technology and students. We don't have to fly blind. We also can look at basic standards that have stood the test of time and apply them to our families and technology use. We don't have to navigate this blindly, and we don't need to be horrified at the task before us. We can do it if we only try!

See also:

how to teach our children about pornography

Tools for Teaching Children About Pornography and Protecting Them From It

We live in a day when we must be proactive about a great many things--things generations of yore could ignore and most children would get by just fine. Not only do we need to be proactive, we need to be proactive at increasingly younger ages. When Brayden was born, 10 years ago, the average age for exposure to pornography was 11-13. Today, the numbers say more like 7-9. We need to arm children with the tools they need to know how to to respond if and when they are exposed to pornography. We want preventative measures here--not reactionary.

What Age To Start?

On some levels, you can start arming your child against pornography from a very young age. I will talk about the types of lessons that are great for giving young, innocent children further on. As you teach your child about his/her worth, to stand up for himself, and that you are a safe place to bring questions and concern, your child is being prepared to face hard situations.

You may have read about how we do a Family Home Evening each Monday night. During a few Family Home Evenings in 2015, we had some lessons to talk about pornography. We did it with all four kids there--ages 10, 8, 6, and 3 (though our 3 year old was not really paying attention to the lessons).

What To Teach?

Whenever you are teaching a young child about something like this, you want to keep it basic. You don't want to over-share. You don't want to expose them to things. Keep things simple. Teach principles. Empower your child.

You want to come out of teaching these lessons with your child knowing:

If I see something that makes me have a bad feeling, the right thing to do is to leave it.
If I see something that makes me have a bad feeling, I should immediately turn it off or walk away and tell my parents or another adult in charge of me.
I can always tell adults in charge of me the things that are happening. I can ask questions and tell them things without getting in trouble.
I am of infinite worth. I am in charge of my own body.

Through our church, we have some fabulous lessons all outlined and prepared to teach children about pornography and what to do about it. These lessons are on appropriate levels for children. I won't reinvent the wheel here--I will link directly to the lessons but give you a summary of each one. The lessons include ideas for object lessons and ways to involve children and preteens/teens.

My Body Is from God--All Ages

In the first lesson we used we talked about how our bodies are from our Heavenly Father. Genesis 1:27 reads that "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Our bodies are gifts. We should treat our bodies with the respect they deserve as a gift from God. This is a great lesson for a basis for pornography and also for protecting children from sexual predators.

What Should I Do If I See Pornography--School Aged

Unfortunately, we can't just leave it at "your body is sacred" and hope the rest falls into place. We need to provide more information. I would teach this lesson when your child is old enough that exposure is a real possibility. I would do it if your child is spending time away from home without you. I would do it if your child spends time on the internet at all. You never know when something might pop up.

You will need to start with defining pornography for your child. This is an area you might vary things based on age. When my husband taught this to our younger children, he focused on how things make us feel a lot. Children are sensitive. They will know if something they see is not good. Go back to the lesson on the body being sacred. If something comes up that shows the body in a way that is inappropriate--that is not using the body as a person would using it as a gift form God--then it is not a good image.

How children respond to pornography exposure will impact what place pornography has in their lives in the future. Teach them to turn it off, walk away, and come tell you. The story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife from the Old Testament is a perfect story to illustrate how to respond when something comes up you shouldn't be involved with.

Sexual Intimacy is Sacred and Beautiful--Preteens

We talked about the first two with the full family, but this third lesson I feel is often more appropriate for preteens and not younger children. This is basically a simplified version of "the talk." It can be a great help when you are ready to have the talk with your child.

If your child is in a situation where pornography is a reality in life, this would be a wise lesson to teach. A great trouble in the world of children who grow up in a conservative home is often that they feel sex is bad. It isn't talked about openly, so when they get married, they feel like they are sinning and have a lot of conflict and confusion within themselves.

If a child is exposed to pornography and not taught what healthy sex life is like, then the exposure will be the only lessons the child has. So keep this in mind for helping to teach about the sacred nature of sexual relations in the right setting. There are some good ideas in this lesson for helping illustrate that point on a level for children and teens.

Prepare Yourself

You need to be prepared for that possible day when your child tells you he has accidentally seen pornography. Do not get angry. Do not accuse your child of seeking it or being too careless. You want your child to be open with you about it, so make the conversation one the child isn't scared to have again. Help your child figure out how to avoid the exposure in the future. Be comforting. Tell your child she did the right thing by coming to you.

Prevent Exposure

Prevention is obviously ideal. You can help prevent exposure through a few simple steps.

Have content filters on your devices. Be aware that anti-virus or anti-spyware software are not content filters. Content filters help block unwanted material.
Use devices in safe mode. You can get an application that helps you control certain things. You can control time spend online and block questionable material. You can also set up things like Google, Yahoo!, and YouTube to filter. Here is a search result on apps for safe kids mode.
Have time limits. The more time spent on the internet and devices, the higher your odds for exposure to inappropriate material.
Keep all electronic device use in public locations. Do not allow these things into bedrooms. We had purchased Kindle Fires for our kids to use as an e reader and also as a tablet. We had a rule that only books could be opened in bed. Once we started pondering pornography and keeping kids safe digitally, however, I felt like I was not okay with my kids taking the internet to bed with them each night. So we purchased them Kindle Paperwhites without the advertising (you want to purchase without "special offers") so they can take their books to bed. The Fires stay out where we can all see them.
Do not allow electronic devices to be private. You are allowed to take the devices at any time and inspect what is going on and what the history is.
Follow up the lessons. We do monthly Private Interviews with Our Children. During these interviews, the children are asked if they have had any exposure or anything they want to talk about. They know they will be asked questions and they know we are willing to talk about it.

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Rules for Balancing Screen Time post and explained the situation to him. Technology has been found to be as addictive as drugs, and at times we might need to cut back to help ourselves maintain control over ourselves.