Why We Do Not Have a Video Player in Our Vehicle

In this post: Reasons we do not have a DVD or video player in our family vehicle.

I love not having television/movies/tech permanently in our vehicle. When we purchased our [van] (not a vehicle I am bragging about..I still haven't gotten over it 3.5 years later. I know. Most of you love yours), I initially wanted a DVD player in it. Our Denali didn't have a DVD or Video player and I really wanted to have one in this vehicle.

As we looked at [vans], however, I changed my mind. I was afraid it would turn into a crutch I relied on too readily. I reasoned that we can easily bring along our Kindles or iPad for the long drives when we really want technology to be part of the drive. I didn't want it to be a thing when we drove around town.

Reasons We Do Not Have a Video Player

I am so glad I made that choice! The car is a place where a lot of great conversation can happen if the environment is there for it. As my children get older, the car conversations become more and more invaluable. Parents of older kids all agree that car talks are among the best talks they have with their kids. I think the triad communication theory is at work. You aren’t able to stare your child down, so it feels more comfortable. You are both able to focus on an activity (the driving). It is great.

When I was growing up, we drove 4 hours to visit my grandparents quite frequently. All of those years, I never had technology. I figured if I could do that (in the snow, uphill, both ways), my kids can handle a 20 minute drive through town with nothing but their minds, each other, and their amazing parents to entertain them. Some of my favorite memories from childhood and our best inside family jokes stem from those long drives (and other, longer drives).

When we take really long drives, we definitely will take along technology to help entertain the children. While I took long drives as a child without technology and survived, just because I didn't have something as a child doesn't mean my children can't ever. There are plenty of things that weren't invented when I was a child my children are able to enjoy today. In our modern day of inexpensive tablets, you can get a tablet for each child and it will cost less than the system in your vehicle.

There is also a money-saving aspect to not having a media player installed into your vehicle. It saves a lot of money! In our modern world, you can bring along an array of tablets for children when you want the technology in the car. We figured we could buy every person in the family a Kindle Fire for cheaper than we could install an entertainment system in the van. We are not alone in this conclusion. Read more about if it is worth the expense here.

Reasons You Might Prefer a Video Player

There are definitely people who love having a DVD player in their vehicle. Some love it because it is an easy way to keep a toddler quiet in the car while a baby is sleeping.

It is also very convenient to have the tech already installed in your vehicle. It is there for any emergency that might arise. Families can put boundaries and rules on the use of the DVD player. If you never use it driving around town, the child simply knows it isn't an option. If the child asks to watch something while driving around town, you respond with a no and they know it is a no. This is comforting because most new family-sized vehicles in our modern age will come with a video player automatically. You can have one and still have boundaries.

Another reason people enjoy having a video player in their vehicle is because their little ones are too small to work something like a tablet. Having a video player just makes sense for them because the children don't have to be capable of running it.
 

Always remember you are the parent. You decide if there is a video player or not. You decide when tech can be used in the vehicle and when it is off limits. Setting limits is wise for your long-term parenting. Start as you mean to go on. If you turn the vehicle into a place where everyone plus in to tech and out of each other, you will most likely have preteens and teens who don't visit with you on car rides. There is great value in what can be talked about in the vehicle. Whatever your rules and setup, be sure you are willing and able to go no-tech with your older children.

See Also:

• Rules for Balancing Screen Time

• Balancing Technology

• Digital Overload and What to Do About It
• How to Establish Safe Media Standards For Your Family
• How To Successfully Do a Technology Fast

• TV Time Under Two

How To Teach a Gifted Child Communication Skills

"Have a good weekend!" "Goodbye!" "Bye Brayden!" One day as we walked out of the school together, child after child told my then fourth grader, Brayden, goodbye and wished him well. He didn't reciprocate once. I smiled and waved to the children as the children said farewell for the weekend.

I later explained to him that when people say goodbye, he should say goodbye back. Huh. This was was a new revelation. He hadn't even been paying attention to see if anyone was saying goodbye. 

Some social skills that seem super obvious need to be explained to a gifted child. 

We are all familiar with the character. The genius who can't interact on a social level with those around them and build meaningful relationships. This type of character is very popular on television shows these days: The Big Bang Theory, Scorpion, Elementary, Dr. Who, Sherlock, Criminal Minds (and remember House and the Mentalist?) to name a few. Gifted children often need guidance on how to build and communicate in interpersonal relationships. It is stereotyped for a reason.

"Competence in interpersonal relationships is probably the single most important factor in determining whether or not gifted children will be successful, caring, and contributing members of society" (A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, page 31).

Single most important. 

Communication has long been recognized as a key to success in business. All through college I heard, "Employers want effective communicators." With this in mind, it isn't surprising that communication is so high for a gifted child, also. The tricky thing for parents is that often with gifted children, you literally need to teach how to communicate. It isn't just something they pick up along the way. Things have to be pointed out and taught. 

The scope of the topic of communication is broad. You can major in the topic of communication (incidentally, my minor was in communication). There is a lot to learn and a lot to discuss. Let's discus some key points. 

"Children learn about communication and relationships in three primary ways: first, by how parents interact with them; second, from observing parents as they interact with others; and third, from their own interactions with others" (A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, page 32).

The common thread that binds these three things together is time. 

Children need to spend time with their parents to learn about communication from them. They need to spend time with their parents as they interact with others to observe those skills. They also need to spend time with peers. Put effort into spending time with your child. 

"Your relationship with your child is more important to her long-term future than any educational or enrichment opportunities you could provide, and it will suffer without good interpersonal communication" (A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, page 31-32).

That means your child needs time with you more than any class or activity you could put her in. Build that relationship first--that is more important than anything else you might think your child should be doing. 

This also means distractions need to be removed at times so the child can learn. A child plugged in to a phone or video game will not be observing and internalizing social interactions. 

Over and over again, I read and hear from experts to respect and preserve the family dinner. A family dinner that is unplugged is a great way to "foster communication and build relationships" (A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, page 34).

Here are some great communication tips (A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, page 41-51).:

• Listen--you can't just talk. You have to listen. 
• Accept feelings (even when you don't agree with them). 
• Create an atmosphere that promotes communication. 
• Use reflective listening. When you do this, you basically paraphrase what the child said, but add in how your child seems to feel about it. 
• Understand silence. Why is silence happening?
• Set aside special time. Give your child uninterrupted attention each day. Have days where you go on dates with your child. 
• Share feelings. You should share your feelings just as you want your child to share her's.
• Use I-Statements. 
• Separate behavior from the child. Focus on behavior, not the child. Do this for praise and
  
  correction. 
• Remember your own past. Talk about what your life was like when you were a child.
• Teach interpersonal skills. Sometimes you have to point things out. With one of my gifted children, this is a constant thing. Remember the walking out of the school story? We often need to literally teach social skills that may seem obvious. 
• Monitor your own intense feelings. Gifted children are usually very sensitive. You can't hide your feelings, but you can simply say you feel too strongly about a topic to discuss it at the moment. 
• Be honest. Children can tell if your statement is a lie by your facial expressions, posture, and tone of voice. 
• Communicate with touch. Hug, touch your child's arm, pats on the back...touching is a great way to accentuate communication. 
• Avoid gossip. Don't even gossip about other children. You especially don't want your child to hear you talking about his shortcomings to another person. Again, gifted children are sensitive and are also typically perfectionists, so you airing your grievances to other people is particularly hurtful. 
• Reward honesty. 

Those aren't even all of the suggestions in the book. These are just some ideas to help you model good communication and help your child learn to communicate effectively. 

Giftedness can be lonely, and that can be minimized some by helping gifted children learn how to communicate with others. You child might simply need to be taught the obvious, like saying goodbye back when people say goodbye to them. 

Related Posts:

• What is Giftedness?
• 15 Common Characteristics of Gifted Children
• Book Recommendation: A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children
• How To Tell the Difference Between Smart and Gifted
• Recognizing Various Areas of Giftedness
• Communicating Acceptance not Rejection 
• Triad Communication {Getting Kids to Talk}

45 Questions to Get Your Child Talking

My twelve year old son has a super talent. He can answer any open-ended question with one word, and do it well. He has sharpened my skills as a question-asker. As your child comes home from school or whatever activity he/she has been at, you want to know the important details! You want to know what your child liked and what she didn't. You want to your child to know you are interested in his life. You want your child to know she can talk to you about things and that you will listen. It can be hard to know what questions to ask, and over time, it all becomes more second nature, but in case you are struggling, here is a list of specific questions to get the conversation rolling. 

Before you attempt this list, remember triad communication theory. This is especially helpful of males (and it will work on your husband!). You also need to remember time. You will find out more about your child's life if you spend 60 minutes with her than you will if you spend 6 minutes, no matter how "quality" the time is. On to the questions!

1. What was the best thing that happened today?
2. What was the worst thing that happened today?
3. What was the hardest thing you had to do today?
4. What made you laugh today?
5. What did you read today? What was read to you today?
6. Who do you love to play with during playtime?
7. Who would you want to sit by in class?
8. Who would you want to NOT sit by in class?
9. What is the biggest difference between this year and last year?
10. What did you do at recess today?
11. What part of school is your favorite (if it isn't school, what part of dance, what song, what part of soccer, etc.)
12. Tell me the names of three children you sat by today.
13. What was something interesting or funny your teacher/coach said today?
14. What rules does your teacher/coach say are important?
15. What is something interesting about your teacher/coach?
16. What is your favorite time of day at school?
17. What are you looking forward to about tomorrow?
18. Did you get frustrated with anything at school today?
19. Were you able to finish all of your work/tasks today?
20. Tell me a new word you heard today?
21. What made you happy today?
22. Did anything make you sad today?
23. How did you help somebody today?
24. How did someone help you today?
25. Were you ever bored today?
26. Who would you like to play with that you have never played with before?
27. What word did your teacher say the most today?
28. What would you like to learn more about?
29. What would you like to learn less about?
30. How were you a good friend today?
31. Where did you play the most at recess?
32. Did anyone do anything nice for you today?
33. Was it noisy or quiet during class today? Which do you like better?
34. Ask about a specific friend your child has.
35. What questions did you ask today?
36. Tell me what you learned today that you didn't ever know?
37. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your day? How could you make it a 10?
38. If you got one wish granted about school, what would it be?
39. Who is the funniest person in your class? How is he/she funny?
40. What is your favorite part of lunch?
41. What challenged you the most today?
42. If you got to be the teacher tomorrow, what would you do?
43. If you could trade seats with anyone, who would it be and why?
44. Tell me about three different times you used your pencil today at school.
45. What do you like the most about school?

How to Divide Responsibilities in a Marriage

Chances are high that when you came into your marriage, you and your spouse had different views of exactly how to divide labor in the home. Who is in charge of cooking? Cleaning? Dishes? Diapers? Laundry? Garbages? The list of household chores is extensive, and once you add children to the mix, there are even more responsibilities to be added to the daily list.

The question is, how will you divide responsibilities? Someone needs to be in charge of each thing. Even if you are both all on board with an idea of "everything is both of our jobs," you need someone to take point. That's nice if you are both willing to cook, but there needs to be order or else you will both be planning meals (and possibly even taking steps to prep) or you will both be waiting around for the other one to get started on dinner. Maybe you both cook each meal? Maybe it varies from day to day depending on what is going on? You just don't want to end up with resentment because expectations are not expressed. 

Oftentimes, our expectations for who will do what is shaped by what our parents did as we grew up. We might want to emulate what they did, or we might want to radically change what they did. Sometimes we are raised differently than how our parents did things. My husband is an example of this. His father was raised in a home where traditional roles were kept. His father continued that on as my husband grew up (though that has changed by today). His mother, however, was raised in a home where her father contributed extensively to household duties, which was rare for the era. She raised my husband to be an equal contributor at home, and he always has been. 

People can have strong opinions about how responsibilities should be divided. Some couples are happy in a fully traditional setup. Some are equal. Others do some sort of hybrid and even an ebb and flow where things can shift as circumstances change. 

While you might think there is only one right way, there really isn't one right way for everyone. What is important is that both people in the marriage are on the same page and willing to compromise to come to a consensus so that both people feel satisfied with the arrangement. 

1-Communicate

You must communicate about the division of responsibilities. You may have grown up in a home where your father emptied every garbage in the home and you feel fully offended that your husband leaves garbages for your hands to touch at times, but he doesn't know that if  you don't share that.

You both need to talk about what you prefer as you divide responsibilities. Write down what needs to be done and talk about who will be the main person in charge of those things.

Be frank about if/thens, also. My husband knows that if he does the dishes after dinner, I am going to make more elaborate meals. If I am making dinner and then cleaning dinner up, what we eat will be heavily influenced by how many dishes I have to dirty. My husband loves food, so he is happy to take on the dishes. 

2-Be More Concerned for Each Other

If you spend your time more concerned for your spouse than yourself, you will find yourself much  happier. Rather than grumbling because your life is so hard, think of how you can make your spouses life easier. When you see a need, fill a need. Don't think, "Not my job! Not my problem!" If you are more concerned for your spouse than yourself, then you will see a need and do what you can to fill it.

3-Don't Keep Score

Life isn't going to be 50/50. It just won't. If you keep track of how much more you do around the house than your spouse, you will live very miserably.

4-Step Up When Your Spouse is Overburdened

When your husband is working longer hours than usual, step up and help cover things he usually does. When your wife just delivered a baby, step up and cover some of her usual responsibilities. Also, as your children get older, use them! With my husband building an addition on our home for almost the last year, my children have had to step up and take on more household responsibilities. It has been great for them to contribute to the home more.

5-Take Back Over When Things Calm Down

If your spouse is a rockstar and takes on some of your jobs while you are stressed, step back in to those jobs when things calm down, or take on some of his jobs. Don't leave him overburdened, or he will likely be hesitant to step in and help next time. A cute older woman in my church once warned me, "Don't take on anything that he does unless you want to do it forever." Sage advice! Advice based on observation and real-life experience. We do that, right? Someone does something nice for us and we step back, dust our hands off, and think, "Whew! Got that one off my plate!" Remember, see a need, fill a need.

6-Always Contribute

Look, working outside the home is rough. Sure. That doesn't mean when you get home, you get to be "off." Being a stay at home parent is never-endingly exhausting. Yes. That doesn't mean when your spouse gets home from work that you are now off duty. You both need to help when you are both around. Sometimes one of you will need a break. You will need a night out every so often or even just someone to box out when the kids try to talk to you in the bathroom. We all have our days when we just need a moment. We don't need every day, though. We might want every day, but we don't need it. 

Many hands make light work, so help each other out. See a need, fill a need.

7-Don't Be Afraid to Change Things
When my husband and I first got married, I had total control over the finances. I did the budget, I paid the bills, and I knew where our money was. This was a great thing at the time. While we are both frugal, I am even more so than he is. By a lot, really. He lives life more spontaneously while I am always planning and preparing for the future. We were both going to school full time and working part time, so we didn't have a lot of money. It was good for me to be over the finances.

When Kaitlyn came along, I had two children under the age of two, and keeping on top of the bills got overwhelming for me. So my husband took over.

This was a great move at that point in our marriage. It helped him be more aware of the state of our finances, so he was more conscientious about what we spent where. I was not always the "no, we shouldn't spend money on that" person. He got more frugal. It helped me relax some on spending money. By that time, he had a real job so it was a good time for me to relax. It also helped bills be paid on time, which is a plus!

My point is, as life changes and circumstances change, mix up who is responsible for what. As you get to know each other and yourselves better, mix up who is over what. Play to your strengths to make a strong team. Nothing needs to be set in stone.

I will give you another example.

When we have a nursing baby, I am the one who puts the baby to bed at night. As soon as the baby turns one and is weaned, my husband takes over bedtime for that little one. We do this so that he can get some good, quality time with that child each day. He works full time, so while I spend all day every day with the little one, he has only hours. I have a couple of naptimes to do, so I get plenty of opportunity for the cuddling and reading stories. Being in charge of bedtime for that child helps my husband form a bond with that little one.

Conclusion
One of the best tools you will have as you divide up responsibilities in marriage is to communicate. Talk. Share your expectations, hopes, likes, and dislikes. Listen to his. Find something that works for both of you. Keep those lines of communication open and talk about changes that might need to be made as they arise.

The ladies of the BFBN are all talking about marriage today. Check them out:

• 5 ways to get out of a marriage valley
• Communication and Grace: Two keys to building up your marriage in times of stress
• What I Want My Daughter To Notice About Our Marriage
• Date Night Babysitting Swap How To
•  One Quick Trick To A Happier And Healthy Marriage 

Communication Index

Communicating Acceptance not Rejection 

Triad Communication {Getting Kids to Talk}

Communicating Acceptance not Rejection {Guest Post}

by Rachel Norman

Most mothers do not purposefully reject their children. In fact, if you are reading this blog, you are probably a proactive parent who looks to find ways to nurture and love your child above and beyond simply meeting their needs. Because this is a community of purposeful mothers, and because I know you want to raise independent, thoughtful and caring children, let's talk about how we can avoid giving our children the perception they are being rejected, even when we know they are not.

If children perceive something as real, it will be real in its consequences. Simply put, if your children feel you are rejecting them (even when you are not) they will suffer its effects. Now, I don't say this so that we become paranoid and give in to our children's every whim - goodness no - but so we can be aware of various things that are important to the heart of a child, and be sure to respond appropriately.

Here are some thoughts on how we can help our children to feel as accepted, nurtured and part of our family as we know they are.

 1. Listen no matter what they're saying. 
Children will go through phases where they say everything on their minds and seem to narrate each situation to phases where they don't want to talk to you. The key to making your children feel accepted is to listen to them when they speak. I have a hard time with this if I perceive my preschooler is making no sense. However, I've learned that she knows exactly what she's saying, and that sometimes I just need to listen harder.

If they are emotional and seeking to communicate something to you then you flat sure need to listen. I've written on why it's important that we let children tell us how they really feel, and believe every word. If they are always tattling about one sibling, watch closer. Is there some perceived unfairness? Does one child seem to dominate? Are privileges distributed unevenly?

 If a child is talking 'nonsense' about animals or monsters in the night, don't say "honey, you know there aren't monsters" and move on. My daughter will often ask me the same question repeatedly over the course of a few days, and I know this is her way of being reassured of the truth. The truth is (for the 1,356th time) there are no monsters, but the truth is also that she becomes scared in the night on occasion. We've taught her how to pray to Jesus, call for us, and tell the monster to go away. She doesn't often need to call for us, but she does need our reassurance that she isn't irrational, crazy or stupid for feeling how she feels.

 2. Draw a line between moral and non-moral decisions. 
Babywise speaks of being spoilt for choice, or making sure our children don't get too wise in their own eyes. I think this is very important, but think we must balance this with giving our children appropriate freedoms that are specific to their own personalities. If children are consistently told "no" to something they are genuinely interested in they will begin to feel rejected. Or in layman's terms, they'll feel as though their preferences and desires aren't important to you.

If they like to wear clothes that don't match, then let them. To church or school? Maybe not. At home and knocking around town, why not? They don't understand polka dots and plaid in pastels and solids don't look great together, but they'll eventually get it. Show you value how God made them by allowing them to do various things they want as long as they are morally sound. In fact, create opportunity where they'll be allowed to do whatever they want. Not all day every day, obviously, but make it a point to give them free rein and show them you value their opinion.

If they want to decorate their room in Spongebob Squarepants and you hate yellow then just remember, it isn't your room. This won't prevent them from getting into college, finding a godly spouse, or having children. It's their room decorations. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our own preferences to make room for their opinions to shine.

 3. Spend individual time with each child. 
The more children you have the harder this is to put into practice. Believe me, I know. While I only have 3 children, they are close together in age which prevents me from having too much time to spend on each individual child since they are all so young. I'll try to fit in time by taking one on an errand at a time when I can. Then I'll shower special attention on that child and try to make even a mundane trip to the grocery store feel fun. Sometimes it's just about your child not having to fight though the family crowd to have your undivided attention that makes all the difference.

Whether you take your children on dates with respective parents, rotate independent playtimes so you are alone with ones at different times, or pick child specific activities, spending individual time with your children communicates that you love the for them. Not just because they are part of the family (which they are). Not just because you birthed them or adopted them (which you did). But because you like them. You like who they are. You like who God made them. Parts of them completely outside of your control need to be accepted and praised. That's how children feel accepted.

4. Mind you don't have a favorite. 
I've written a whole post asking the question Do You Have a Favorite Child, but I'll start here by saying that there is a difference in having a child that you get along with easily, and having a favorite child. I was in a room with 50 adults when we were asked to raise our hands if we grew up knowing we were not the favorite and over half the class raised their hands. Over half! This is not a laughing matter.

One particular season happened a while ago and my daughter was in a difficult phase and my son was in an adorable phase. Without knowing it (and without having a favorite in my heart) I started to spend more positive time with him. After all, he was smiling. She was not. Then she started saying she was a boy. Being the genius I am I figured out what happened, started putting specific positive time in with her and it sorted itself out. Though she was too young to articulate what she was feeling, she had begun to feel that her brother was the favorite and insecurities came out as a result.

5. Guard against being present but absent. 
One of the most interesting and unexpected ways our children can feel rejected by us is when we are present and yet absent. I've written on being present but absent extensively here, but let's get into it briefly. Being present but absent means that you are physically present yet emotionally, mentally or relationally absent. This is being in the same room as your children but ignoring them while playing on your cell phone. This is being emotionally unavailable and unable to have a real or deep conversation with our children outside the superficial. This is being too stressed or caught up in other matters to pay attention to them.

Being present but absent causes a child to feel they aren't worth your time and attention. Of course there are things in life that must get done and I'm not suggesting we focus 100% on our children to the detriment of other things. However, there needs to be time of emotional connection between our children and us. I've spoken with many women who grew up with both a mother and father in the home and yet suffer from "daddy issues" just as much as those who grew up without a father. Why? Because though they were physically present, emotionally they were not.

Being a regular at Babywise mom, I'm sure you are already well on your way to creating a nurturing, safe, and orderly household. If you take one thing away from this post (and please don't take away stress or fear you are secretly rejecting them even though you don't mean to) take away this: be sure to value the God-given attributes your child possesses. When your kids know you value the parts of them that are specific to them, they will loved and accepted even though their parents aren't perfect.

Rachel blogs at A Mother Far From Home

Related Posts of Mine:

• One-On-One Outings
• Spending Time with Baby/Child
• Slow the Pace
• Ideas for Nurturing Children
• Meeting Needs of Each Child

The Screaming Non-Verbal Baby/Toddler

You may be familiar with it. The child who is old enough to know what she wants and certainly has an opinion on what she wants, but she can't communicate it with you. The screaming. The crying. The despair. And that's just you! Kidding, kidding.

Of my four children, Kaitlyn was by far and away my easiest pre-toddler (the age range of 12-18 months). One of Kaitlyn's big talents in life is communicating. She started signing before 7 months. She started talking around the same time. By 14 months, she was speaking sentences. She could communicate what she wanted and she knew we understood her, so there weren't the tantrums that come with communication frustrations.

During Brinley's pre-toddler months, we had a lot of tears shed over communication issues. Now, I happen to be a really good communicator. I read non-verbals like a pro--and really my minor was in communications and we studied those things closely, so I am not just operating off of instinct. I have read studies on such things (fascinating, let me tell you). I often find myself interpreting what my friend's children are trying to tell them--I catch it faster than the mom.

All that to say, even without words, I know what a baby or pre-toddler wants. 

But Brinley didn't seem to have respect for my education or years of experience--news flash child! You are my fourth. This isn't my first time in the saddle. She didn't care. Any time she asked for something and I didn't give it to her, she was sure I mis-understood her meaning. Positive. And she has a flair for dramatic emotions. We are talking hands covering the face while crying, "No!" (those moments when you turn around and walk away so you can laugh without the child noticing).

The older children don't help. They love to inform me of what Brinley wants. My response is, "I assure you I know what she wants. I know what she wants better than she knows what she wants. I promise I get it." And why doesn't that help? Because I have a desperate pre-toddler along with her three desperate body guards who seem to think she should never cry. And because they interfere with her making an effort to communicate on her own. I read about this when Brayden was a baby. Children with many older siblings often speak later because they have several people "speaking for them." 

We have happily moved past it. Brinley realizes that I get her and she is putting a lot more effort into communicating. So I know you are wondering what can you do to help your child move past the fits when she can't communicate them verbally? Here are some tips.

1-Teach Sign Language

If you have a 14 month old, you might cringe at this tip if you haven't taught any signs yet. It is never to late to learn signs! I didn't teach Brayden until he was older than a year (I think it was 13-15 month range). 

I always say to teach a sign that is going to reduce fits. So one of the first signs I taught Brayden was "help." I have shared this before, but he would want help with something and go into a fit. That wasn't the way I wanted him communicating help, so I taught him to sign it. It is best to teach when they aren't mad and screaming. Then when I knew he could do it, I would not help him unless he signed for help. 

If you have a young baby, start working on showing and helping your baby sign when they are young. I like to teach "more" and "all done" as two of our first signs. It helps immensely with meal times. 

2-Require Communication Effort

Do not fulfill the desires of your fit-throwing or screaming child until effort to communicate has been made (effort beyond the fit). Moms like to say, "Use your words" to fit-throwing children. If your child wants you to pick her up, don't do it at the first tears. Tell her to ask you to pick her up.

When you first start requiring communication, the communication your child will give you will likely be through tears and anger. I still remember telling Brayden he needed to say please for something and him slapping his chest in anger in order to sign please. A recent memory is Brinley saying, "buh!" through her tears when she wanted me to pick her up. I always reward the communication early on, even if the heart is still angry. 

I have hierarchy to this learning process. I want them to learn that communicating is the way to get what they want, so when they communicate, even if they are angry, I cheerfully respond to the "request." Once they get used to the fact that communication is what gets them what they want, then I will start to work on them asking for things with a cheerful heart. I will usually say something like, "Oh, that isn't how we ask for things. You ask me nicely." 

And RESPOND when your child makes an effort. Don't say, "just a minute" or ignore your child. You are trying to teach your child to turn to communication first instead of screaming or crying, so reward communication efforts.

3-Learn to Read Non-Verbals

Get to know your child. Learn what your child means when she says a word (most words come out quite wrong initially). Know what she means when she gestures a certain way. And get to know the pre-fit signs. If you can catch your child before she moves into tantrum mode, you will be more likely to coach her through the communication process without the fit occurring. This will be great reinforcement for her to communicate rather than have a fit.

4-Repeat What Your Child Has Told You

Make sure you remain calm and firm. You need to be a rock right now. When your child has commnicated something to you, repeat it. A big fit-session we would have with Brinley was when she would want some sort of treat (the girl has a sweet tooth). She would gesture for it and I would tell her she couldn't have it right now. She was sure I misunderstood and she would move into upset and frustrated mode that she wasn't being heard. 

Try to get eye-contact and say, "I know that you want a treat right now." You might even point to the treat to help her further see that yes, you get it. "You may not have a treat right now. Even if you cry about it." I add in my own non-verbals. I shake my head no. 

Once your child knows you get what she is saying, it doesn't mean she will happily move along thinking, "Oh well. I wanted a treat but mom said no. That is okay."

Nope.

She will likely cry. 

She is learning what it is like to be told no (and she doesn't like it). Once she realizes the fits don't get her anywhere, they will start to go away.

5-Don't Give In To Fits, Screaming, and Tears

And this leads me to the important factor to not give in to the tears. Don't say no unless you intend to stick with it. And once you have said no, stand by it. This gets trickier as kids get older; their desires are more complicated and you might get more information that can change your opinion on the matter. I am not talking about that. Your baby and/or toddler has very simple, basic desires. Take 10 seconds to think it through before you answer. You want to teach your baby that your rules don't change based on decibel levels or water shed. 

6-Give It Time and Consistency

You won't follow the above five steps and have this screaming solved in a week. Nope. Things are not that fast with children. It will probably take at least a month, maybe a few. Improvements will be made along the way, but it will take time for your child to move past the fit-throwing. Have faith! I promise it will work if you stick with the tips above.

7-Get the Family In On It

I find I often need to sit down with my older kids and really explain what is going on to them. I need to tell them why she is doing what she is doing and what their reactions do to help/hinder the situation. I need to tell them why I do what I do. And they get it once it is explained! (much like an adult being told about their reactions and how it affects their child). And they get on board. And they are supportive of helping to improve the situation instead of being three more hurdles for me to get over. And this is a new situation with Brinley--I never had issues with Kaitlyn or McKenna as babies. I think my kids were too young then.

Give the tips a try! You will start to see improvements and you will move toward communication happening and screaming and tantrums diminishing. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Preventing Whining

• Controlling the Young Temper

• Sign Language

• Language Development

Triad Communication {Getting Kids to Talk}

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The talking ways of children is such a roller coaster ride. First, you can't wait for that first little word. You are waiting in line just excited about that ride to start. Their first word is uttered and your ride begins! You slowly climb to the top. Then they start to add sentences and you are so excited! That initial thrill of going down that first hill...Then the talking seems to never, ever (ever) cease. You start to wish there was less talking. The roller coaster ride is fun, but you can't possibly enjoy it all day every day. Every. Single. Day. All day.

The day comes when your child hits a point where the incessant talking does stop. Your ride suddenly ends. And you want it back. And the entrance to the ride is blocked--no simple line to wait in anymore. You know your child has complex thoughts going on in his head and you want him to confide those with you. You desperately want that ride back!

You can get your child to revert back to the non-stop talking of 3-4 year olds. You can get back on that ride. And the best part is that as an older child, the ride seems to last an appropriate length. It leaves you satisfied, thrilled, and wanting more all at the same time. But the trick is finding your way back into that line. 

When you want your child to open up and talk to you, you need time on your side. You need to spend a good amount of time with the child before the child will start spilling forth all of his thoughts. 

There is a trick I call "triad communication." Triad communication is your entrance into the line for that roller coaster ride. Triad communication is simply you communicating with your child while doing a third activity. This can be as simple as washing dishes, going for a walk, or coloring. All people are more likely to open up and talk if there is that "third wheel" so to speak. It is easier for a person to share his or her thoughts and feelings when he can focus on something other than just the emotions and the talking. 

This trick is true of any gender. I find it most helpful, however, on my son. In my house, I have two who are past the age of endless talking, one taking me on the ever-lasting ride, and one slowly taking me up that first hill. 

The line for Brayden's roller coaster ride is longer than it is for my daughter. He is stereotypical male in his desire to sit and "visit about his feelings"--in other words, he doesn't want to. There is nothing about that that is appealing to him. The best way for me to get him to talk is to spend time with him doing things.

And this is why certain things like one-on-one dates and chores around the house are so incredibly valuable. Not only is your child getting some good time with mom or dad and/or learning important life skills, but the child is allowing you into line to ride the roller coaster. Some children will open up faster than others. Some will need a couple of hours of working on something before he suddenly decides to start sharing everything that is going on in his head.

I have a good friend who does one-on-one dates with her children. Her oldest is a boy of 11 years old. She has told me that when she does dates with him, she will start with an activity like bowling. They go an bowl and have fun. Then they go to dinner. She says at dinner, he will open up and talk freely. She told me that if she reverses the activity and starts with dinner, he is not talkative. 

If you want to get your child to talk to you, the approach is not to sit on the couch and face each other and say, "How are you feeling today?" The approach also is not "I have 15 minutes to get some good talking in then I need to get back to XYZ." On Monday this week I posted about Sacrifices and Investment. This is one of those situations where you sacrifice in order to invest. You sacrifice your time now in order to invest into having a relationship where your child is comfortable confiding in you.

Here are some ideas for you to create situations that lend themselves to triad communication. Not every activity will be beneficial to every child. A child who doesn't particularly enjoy art projects isn't likely to open up while you color together. Try different things to see what works for your child. Find the right thing and you will be in line for that ride of communication:

• Cooking: We rotate through and have one child help with dinner each night. Cooking or baking is a great way to create a triad communication situation. One trick, though, is to maintain patience through the mess that is sure to be created. Your child will not open up if you are freaking out about spilled flour.
• Chores: Do chores with your child. Clean a bathroom together. Wash windows together. Shovel the driveway together. Rake leaves together. Weed the garden together. Make beds together. There are plenty of things you can do together.
• Teach Skills: You can teach your child new skills as your child is old enough. I know my husband enjoyed working in the garage with his dad. It was a time he learned to work on cars and engines and it provided lots of time for talking.
• Date Night: Go on dates. Make the date long enough the child will have time to relax and then open up (the length of time will depend on the child). 
• Run Errands: Take just one child out to run errands.
• Read One-on-One: We read to each child individually each night. This gives one-on-one time with the child to allow for conversation. I find children are often more interested in talking right before bed. I don't know if it is a stall tactic or something about the time of day, but it is a great time to get kids talking.
• Get Active: Go for walks. Play basketball. Ride bikes. Do something active together.
• Do Art Projects: Sit down and color together or do some other art project.

There are so many possible ways to make this happen. They can be a part of your daily, normal life so long as you don't overschedule your family. Make it a priority to be able to have time with your child where talking can happen if your child wants it to. You will be amazed at the power triad communication can have. Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Oh, and a little marriage tip, you can also try this on your husband ;)

Communication Skills

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child has a chapter on communication and how to have good communication skills--with strong focus on listening. These suggestions work for any relationship. My minor was in Speech Communications, so I could go on and on and ON about this topic. I had an entire semester dedicated simply to listening skills alone. These are all things that I think are quite intuitive to people; when you read it, you will realize how much sense that makes but it might not be something you have fully thought out in your head.

This chapter talks about ten common problems in communication. I think these skills can help you in communicating with your children as well as your spouse. The relationship with the spouse has an impact on the children, so it is important you work to keep it strong.

Problem One--Not Paying Attention
You might think you pay attention, or you might think it will always be easy to pay attention. Once you have a few talking children who all have many, many questions, it gets harder to pay attention properly. Some of these things take a mental focus to do. Here are some tips to pay attention.

• Eliminate Distractions. Turn the TV off, turn away from the computer, stop doing the dishes, etc. Now, I know there are going to be many, many times you and your child will have a conversation while you are preparing dinner or something like that. If your child is talking to you and you have something important you are doing, do your best to multi-task. But show your child he is more important than television and other non-essential things in life. And if it is a serious conversation, put down the potato peeler and pay attention to what he has to say. And when I say serious, I mean serious to his world, not just yours.
• Listen To Understand. This means, for one, that you don't interrupt the other person. It also means you restate/summarize/and or clarify. When you do this, use "I" language. "I hear that you are saying you are feeling upset by what Bobby said to you today. Is that correct?" You don't say things in accusatory manners and you don't try to put words in the other person's mouth. You tell them what you are understanding and ask if you are right.
  And a vastly important aspect of this skills is body language. This is why you put down the distractions. You face the person who is talking to you. You look that person in the eye. You nod as he is talking. This not only shows the person you are talking to that you are paying attention, but it provides you with the opportunity to pick up on their non-verbal cues. The majority of information is passed through non-verbal cues. If you aren't looking, you don't see them.

Problem Two: Monopolizing The Conversation
This is pretty simple. You shouldn't be the only one talking. You need to take turns. The other person needs to be able to talk also.

Problem Three: Silence
This is the opposite of problem two. You should be silent. You need to talk. Both parties need to talk.

Problem Four: Being Judgemental
This can be avoided by restating and summarizing as discussed above. Leave your judgements out of it. You don't say, "I hear you are saying that you are feeling upset by what Bobby said to you. Well, you tend to have a short fuse so I am sure you said something awful to Bobby first. Is that correct?" If you judge, you are no longer listening to understand.

Problem Five: Bringing Up The Past
Keep the conversation current. If you are having a disagreement with someone, focus on the issue at hand. This is not the moment to bring up everything else the other person has done to upset you over the last five years. Stick to the right topic. And forgive. If something has been discussed and supposedly resolved, forgive and move on. If you bring up things the other person thinks you have forgiven him for, then he will have no reason to seek reconciliation and forgiveness now. Why work to attain something you can never get? Besides, the actions of other people don't justify your actions.

Problem Six: Focusing on Who Is To Blame
It is really hard to pinpoint exactly who is to blame and who is at fault. Most of the time, if there is a problem it is with both parties. Instead, focus on solutions. What can you both do to improve the situation?

Problem Seven: Cross Complaining
"You never do the dishes." "Oh yeah, well you don't show enough affection!" Remember the statement above that you stick to the topic at hand? This is more likely to be a problem with two adults or an adult with an older child. If one person comes to the other with a complaint, resolve that complaint. If one is upset by the other's lack of doing dishes, talk about dishes. The other can bring up affection at a later time after dishes are resolved. Again, the actions of other people don't justify your actions.

Problem Eight: Mind Reading
Don't finish the other person's thoughts. Mind reading causes interruption and also stops listening. Once you have decided what the other person is saying, you stop listening to what the other person is saying.

Also, don't assume you know what the other person "really meant" by a statement. If you think the other person meant more, then say, "It seems to me that you have more to say than that. Is there more you aren't saying?" Or, "Are you saying XYZ?"--but don't do so in an accusatory fashion. Just ask.

Problem Nine: Disrespect and Put-Downs
Be polite to each other. I know that it is your family. You feel comfortable with your family. You know your family has unconditional love for you. But don't treat strangers better than your family. Good manners and kindness should be extended to family also.

I know life brings stress. Often times, it seems we take out our stress and frustrations with the world around us on our families because we know they will forgive us. That just isn't right, and we all know it.

I think nothing sinks my heart faster than to hear a parent tell their little child, "You are such a brat!" in the store. I always watch the reaction of the child to this statement, and I always see pain in their eyes. If mom thinks so little of the child, why would anyone else think any better? Control your temper. It is completely unreasonable to expect a toddler or preschooler to behave perfectly all of the time. And when you top that off with allowing your own behavior to slip into an unacceptable spectrum, then why would your child do any better? If you can't control yourself, then you can't expect your child to on any level.

Problem Ten: Mixed Messages
Remember earlier when I talked about non-verbal cues? Statistics vary on this, but pretty much all agree that less than ten percent of a message is verbal. This book says 7-8 percent. The rest is understood through non-verbal cues (facial expressions, body language, etc) and para language (tone of voice). Work to keep your non-verbal cues in sync with your feelings. If you are slouching, looking around the room, and checking your watch, the other person will believe you don't want to be talking to him.

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS

• Strong-Willed
• Marriage