2 weeks or less: 20 (17%)
2-4 weeks: 19 (16%)
2-4 months: 13 (11%)
4-6 months: 7 (6%)
6 months or longer: 7 (6%)
Still working on it: 46 (41%)
Total of 112 votes
RELATED BLOG LABELS:
Reminder: You can leave comments on poll results posts if you would like to add to the poll after it has closed. This would be helpful for those who have more than one child, those whose children have reached certain ages after a poll closed, and those who didn't visit the blog while that poll was open. To find closed polls, click on the poll results link above.
Showing posts with label yes mom. Show all posts
In Action: Power of "Yes Mommy"
I wanted to share how powerful "Yes Mommy" can be for those of you who aren't enjoying the benefits of utilizing it.
Kaitlyn is a two year old. While she is quite obedient, she still has her battles dealing with her wanting to do everything herself and deciding when she will do it. Whenever she hesitates to obey me, I repeat my instruction and follow it with "say Yes Mommy." So let's say I have told her to come to me so I can help her get dressed. She looks at me and starts to tell me why she can't come at the moment. I say, "Kaitlyn, come to Mommy so you can get dressed. Say Yes Mommy." What is her reaction? She smiles a big smile, says "Yes, Mommy" and runs to me.
Does that sound powerful? Does it sound too good to be true? It works! For Kaitlyn, it is 100% effective. Now, she has grown up witnessing "Yes Mommy" with an older brother. She has also been told to say "Yes Mommy" for quite some time. I started this later in life with Brayden, but saw results so quickly that I was sure to use it with Kaitlyn from as early we could.
I have written on the power of this a few times. Even so, I am still shocked, amazed, and pleased at how well it works in getting my independent two year old to obey me. It is well worth your efforts!
RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:
- yes mom (blog label)
- discipline (blog label)
Poll Results: At what age did you start to require "yes Mommy"?
Results:
9-12 Months: 4 votes (4%)
12-15 Months: 9 votes (8%)
15-18 Months: 14 votes (12%)
18-21 Months: 19 votes (17%)
21-24 Months: 20 votes (18%)
2-2.5 Years: 27 votes (24%)
2.5-3 Years: 13 votes (11%)
3-4 Years: 5 votes (4%)
4 Years or older: 3 votes (3%)
Total of 114 votes
RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:
9-12 Months: 4 votes (4%)
12-15 Months: 9 votes (8%)
15-18 Months: 14 votes (12%)
18-21 Months: 19 votes (17%)
21-24 Months: 20 votes (18%)
2-2.5 Years: 27 votes (24%)
2.5-3 Years: 13 votes (11%)
3-4 Years: 5 votes (4%)
4 Years or older: 3 votes (3%)
Total of 114 votes
RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:
- poll results (blog labels)
- yes mom (blog label)
- discipline (blog label)
Reminder: You can leave comments on poll results posts if you would like to add to the poll after it has closed. This would be helpful for those who have more than one child, those whose children have reached certain ages after a poll closed, and those who didn't visit the blog while that poll was open. To find closed polls, click on the poll results link above.
Toddlerwise: Discipline Points for Toddlers
CORRECTION
Some parents feel hesitant to discipline their child because the child wasn't necessarily doing something "wrong"--at least to the knowledge of the child. Discipline, or correction, doesn't mean your child has done something terribly wrong. "Correction simply means to realign or bring back from error" (Toddlerwise, page 91). You child is going to do things he shouldn't. He will say things, touch things, go places, and play with things he shouldn't. When he does these things, he is stepping off the path that leads him where you want him to go.
At these moments, you want to quickly get him back on the path. The faster you get him on the path, the easier the transition. A child who has only stepped off the path will make it back faster than the one who has been wondering away from it for several weeks.
PRINCIPLES OF INSTRUCTION
We first encountered the principles of instruction in Babywise Book Two. Here, most of the principles are the same. These are found on pages 94-96.
Expect A Response
When you tell your child to do something, expect him to do it. When you ask your child a question, expect a response. Children rise to the expectations placed on them. You want to be sure your expectations are age appropriate. That means you neither expect too little nor too much. Be sure to be aware of what you can realistically expect from your toddler. See this post for more: Obedience Percentages
Give Instructions, Not Suggestions
In Babywise II, this category was Mean What You Say. With your toddler, Toddlerwise points out that you don't need permission from your child to be a parent. This means you don't ask your child if he wants to go to bed. Very few would respond yes. You don't ask if he wants to help you clean up his toys; he might say yes, and he might say no. You tell him it is time to clean up the toys.
Be Consistent
By now, I am sure you fully know the importance of consistency. It was important for your baby, and it is now important for your toddler. The key to so much in raising children is consistency. Discipline is certainly no different. Inconsistency will only confuse your child. When you are consistent, your child knows what to expect, which gives him a lot of control over the outcome of his day. You want you to be consistent, the boundaries to be consistent, and the consequences to be consistent. Then your child can be consistent. You cannot expect a child to be consistently obedient until you are first consistent.
Require Eye Contact
At age 12 months, require eye contact from your child when you give instructions. Be sure you have your child looking at you before you give instruction. He will be better able to pay attention to your directions and therefore follow through better.
I want to add a cultural qualification here. For the U.S. culture, eye contact is an important non-verbal cue that the listener is actively engaged in what the speaker is saying. If you live in a culture where this is inappropriate, you don't have to do it. I know that for many cultures, a child looking an adult in the eyes would be a sign of disrespect. If this is true for you, think of something you can instruct your child to do that is culturally appropriate that can demonstrate that the child is listening.
At age 16-18 months, require a "yes, Mommy" after you give the instruction. Toddlerwise says it might start with only a head nod (especially if your child is not able to say the words together yet). For more on this topic, see this blog label: yes mom . I find "Yes, Mommy" to be a very helpful tool. I can give Kaitlyn an instruction and have her, as a new two year old, refuse. As soon as I say, "Say 'Yes Mommy' " she responds, "Yes, Mommy" and does what I have asked her to do. Kaitlyn doesn't ever refuse to say "Yes, Mommy," but there are times she says it and then continues on her own way. There won't be 100% perfection with this phrase, but you will see dramatic results (dramatic in the positive).
See this post for the Babywise II thoughts. The are still applicable to the toddler: Principles of Instruction
HABITS OF THE HEART
Up to age three, you are training habits of the heart (page 99). You are not giving your child a full background on the reasons he cannot do something or should do something. You are simply helping him get in the habit of doing what he should. When you tell your child to not throw food on the floor, you don't need to get into the many reasons for not doing so. Right now he is just learning not to do it.
As he approaches three and you can see he is ready for the reasons, you can give them to him. "We don't throw food on the floor because it makes a big mess. It also isn't nice to Mommy. She just cleaned the floor and throwing food on it isn't respectful to her hard work." You child needs to be able to understand the reasons and needs to be able to care. While toddlers are pure and wonderful, they aren't yet capable of empathy. That doesn't mean he is malicious and mean--he isn't capable of that yet either. He is just still in the frame of mind that tells him he is the center of the world.
IMPORTANCE OF SLEEP AND NUTRITION
Chances are when your child was a baby, you were obsessed with sleeping and eating totals. These things might start to slip your mind as you start to worry about discipline issues. Keep in mind that sleep and proper nutrition are still vitally important. An overly tired and/or hungry child is simply not going to obey as well as a child who is well rested and well fed. You can be tempted to keep your child up longer than he should be up now that he is older and more capable of doing so--life has more freedom! But don't do so to the detriment of your child's health and behavior.
RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:
- Principles of Instruction
- Obedience Percentages
- yes mom (blog label)
- boundaries (blog label)
- consistency (blog label)
- BW II: Freedoms: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/babywise-ii-freedoms.html
- discipline (blog label)
- Discipline Methods: 10 Months and up
- Proactive and Directive Parenting
- Moral Training: Start Early
- Prevention
- toddlers (blog label)
- toddlerwise (blog label)
Principles of Instruction
On Becoming Babywise II lists five principles to keep in mind when you are giving instruction to your child (pages 89-90). These principles apply with your baby and on up through your toddler and child years. Here are my thoughts on the principles.
EXPECT A RESPONSE
When you tell your child to do something, expect him to do it. When you ask your child a question, expect a response. Children rise to the expectations placed on them. You want to be sure your expectations are age appropriate. That means you neither expect too little nor too much. See this blog label for more on this idea of responding: yes mom
MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
Don't ever tell your child to do something if you aren't going to follow through with making sure he does it. Don't hope he will respond, but when he doesn't think, "Oh well, maybe when he is older." If you do this, he will learn to disregard your instruction.
When you give instruction, be clear in what it is. Keep it at a level of understanding for your particular child. Once you have given the instruction, you need to be consistent in expecting your child to follow through and obey.
If your child is doing something he shouldn't and you know you have no intention of making sures he stops, it is better to say nothing than to tell him to stop and then let him continue on.
CONSISTENCY
The key to so much in raising children is consistency. Discipline is certainly no different. Inconsistency will only confuse your child. When you are consistent, your child knows what to expect, which gives him a lot of control over the outcome of his day. You want you to be consistent, the boundaries to be consistent, and the consequences to be consistent. Then your child can be consistent. You cannot expect a child to be consistently obedient until you are first consistent. See:
EXPECT A RESPONSE
When you tell your child to do something, expect him to do it. When you ask your child a question, expect a response. Children rise to the expectations placed on them. You want to be sure your expectations are age appropriate. That means you neither expect too little nor too much. See this blog label for more on this idea of responding: yes mom
MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
Don't ever tell your child to do something if you aren't going to follow through with making sure he does it. Don't hope he will respond, but when he doesn't think, "Oh well, maybe when he is older." If you do this, he will learn to disregard your instruction.
When you give instruction, be clear in what it is. Keep it at a level of understanding for your particular child. Once you have given the instruction, you need to be consistent in expecting your child to follow through and obey.
If your child is doing something he shouldn't and you know you have no intention of making sures he stops, it is better to say nothing than to tell him to stop and then let him continue on.
CONSISTENCY
The key to so much in raising children is consistency. Discipline is certainly no different. Inconsistency will only confuse your child. When you are consistent, your child knows what to expect, which gives him a lot of control over the outcome of his day. You want you to be consistent, the boundaries to be consistent, and the consequences to be consistent. Then your child can be consistent. You cannot expect a child to be consistently obedient until you are first consistent. See:
- boundaries (blog label)
- consistency (blog label)
- BW II: Freedoms: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/babywise-ii-freedoms.html
REQUIRE EYE CONTACT
When you give an instruction, require eye contact from your child before you give it. Babywise II says to start this at twelve months old. You can start by saying, "Look in my eyes" or I say, "Look at Mommy's face" and turning the child's chin so he is looking at your face. Before too long, he should understand what you mean and look without your turning his face for him.
When your child is looking at your face, there are several benefits. One is that you know he is listening and aware that you are speaking to him. Another is that he isn't getting distracted by the other things going on around him, so he can process your instruction.
When you do this, be sure your eyes are not intimidating to look at. Your child isn't going to want to hold eye contact with you if you are essentially "staring him down."
I want to add a cultural qualification here. For the U.S. culture, eye contact is an important non-verbal cue that the listener is actively engaged in what the speaker is saying. If you live in a culture where this is inappropriate, you don't have to do it. I know that for many cultures, a child looking an adult in the eyes would be a sign of disrespect. If this is true for you, think of something you can instruct your child to do that is culturally appropriate that can demonstrate that the child is listening.
EVALUATE CONTEXT
You need to always be mindful of the context of the situation. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming legalistic. You can assume your child's actions were wrong incorrectly. You can also assume your child's actions were innocent when they were quite wrong. Few "rules" or actions are always right or always wrong.
Here is a simple example. Let's say you have instructed your child to not run. He is usually very good at obeying this instruction, but one day runs. You find out that he ran because there was a bee next to him. He was stung by a bee last week, so he knows he doesn't want to be near it. In the context of this situation, your child wasn't acting out of disobedience but rather self-preservation.
You might be in a situation where running just isn't safe. For example, you might be walking down the sidewalk with a busy street by you. Rather than punishing your child for running in this situation, you would want to talk to him about this and come up with a plan for him if he feels the need to run.
See this blog label for more along this idea: context and especially this post: Adjusting for Context
These five principles can help you to have more successful training periods with your baby, toddler, and child.
Related Posts:
- discipline (blog label)
- Discipline Methods: 10 Months and up
- Proactive and Directive Parenting
- Moral Training: Start Early
- Prevention
- Babywise II (blog label)
In Action: "Yes, Mama"
The other day, I was in the kitchen and heard Brayden (3) talking to Kaitlyn (14 months). He has this tendency to parent her--something we are working on. I heard him telling her not to do something, then he said, "Say, 'Yes, Brayden', " pause "Say, 'Yes, Brayden!' " The frustration was building. "Say, 'Yes, Brayden'! "
Yes, I started laughing. I composed myself and went in to the two of them and explained that Kaitlyn couldn't say 'Yes, Brayden' at this point in her vocabulary. That appeased him. I had to smile at the situation. It was one of those moments where I knew without a doubt that he understood what was supposed to happen after an instruction was given. He knew the importance of a response. He knew the reason behind me requiring that.
Our children of all ages understand more than we realize.
Yes, I started laughing. I composed myself and went in to the two of them and explained that Kaitlyn couldn't say 'Yes, Brayden' at this point in her vocabulary. That appeased him. I had to smile at the situation. It was one of those moments where I knew without a doubt that he understood what was supposed to happen after an instruction was given. He knew the importance of a response. He knew the reason behind me requiring that.
Our children of all ages understand more than we realize.
How to Get Your Child to Obey with a Simple "Yes Mom"
"Of all the practical helps we can offer, this one has undoubtedly the most impact on a child's willingness and ability to comply the first time" (On Becoming Childwise, p. 122--affiliate link).
Does that sound too easy? I think it does. A little too easy. It sounds easy enough that at times I let if fall back in my radar. Despite the easiness of the way, let me assure you that it absolutely does work.
When you give instructions to your child, you want to require him to give you a "yes, mom" (or yes, dad) response. For you, hearing a "yes, mom" lets you know your child heard what you said. If your child doesn't obey, you know it is because he chose disobedience, not that he didn't hear what you said.
For your child, "yes, mom" is your child committing to obey. Years ago, a person's word was completely trustworthy. If someone verbally committed to something, they did it. We have been taught in our modern age to lie, cheat, and steal to get where we want to go. We tell people what they want to hear. If you want a commitment, you need it in writing. But our children haven't learned that yet. They are still pure. We all know that morally, a verbal commitment should be honored as much as a written one.
Of course, your child will have moments where he "yes, moms" and then doesn't follow through. But it really does make a huge difference on the rate of obedience. There is a communication theory that many people have heard about. It is called "self fulfilling prophesy." This theory basically states that if you tell yourself something will happen, it likely will--for better or worse. When your child agrees to obey, he is creating his own self-fulfilling prophecy.
The first time I tried "yes, mom" I knew we had a winner. Why? Because it was so hard for Brayden to say. He didn't want to say "yes, mom." He was avoiding eye contact. He was struggling internally. He tried just nodding. I told him no, I wanted a "yes, Mama." He finally gave it. I knew that he knew if he said "yes, mom" that he would be committing himself.
Starting "Yes, Mom"
- Sit down in a time of non-conflict and explain the new rules about compliance.
- When you first start "yes, mom," you need to tell your child to say it. You tell your child "In five minutes, it is time for your nap. Say 'yes, Mama.' " Your child should then say it.
- Require eye contact when giving instructions. If your child is used to ignoring you, you might need to hold his face in your hand to get that eye contact. Eye contact helps your child focus on instruction. Also, it is a great communication skill for your child to develop.
- Practice what you preach. If you are going to require your child to respond "yes, mom" when you call his name, you should do the same for him. Like I said, eye contact is a great communication skill. It tells the speaker that you are listening. When your children call to you and talk to you, you should respond with a "Yes, Brayden" and look him in the eyes. I have also read in an article that responding with a "Yes, Brayden" or "Yes, Honey" to your child is a lot more inviting and friendly than a "what." You are more approachable with a "Yes, dear." If you want your children to be kind to you and others, you need to be kind to them.
- After some time, your child will surprise you by saying "yes, Mom" on his own without any prompting. Be sure to thank him and tell him what a good boy he is to say that without you reminding him.
Resistance to "Yes, Mom"
You can be pretty confident that the day will come that your child refuses to say "yes, mom." Be prepared for how to deal with that so you aren't standing open-mouthed. Brayden quickly learned that when he said "yes, mom," it meant he had to comply. Just last week we were outside and I told him in five minutes it would be time to go in for his nap. I told him to say "Yes, Mama." He responded, "No, Mama." I said, "You don't have the freedom to tell Mommy, "No, Mama." You need to say, "Yes, Mama." He then let out a whimper but said, "Yes, Mama." When the five minutes were up, he went inside, washed up, and got in bed with no problem.You also will likely have moments when your child says "yes, Mom" but then doesn't follow through. If/when this happens, be sure you have a consequence. "I am sorry you chose to disobey Mommy, now you won't get to play outside after your nap" for example. Be sure you have a consequence fitting for the offense, will mean something to your child, and also that you follow through with that consequence. See this post for more on that:
Tantrums and Discipline: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/tantrums.html
In conclusion, don't let the easiness of the way deter you from using "Yes, Mom" with your child. You will be surprised by the results.
Related Posts:
- yes mom (blog label)
- discipline (blog label)
- childwise (blog label)
- prevention (blog label)
- heather said...
I wanted to thank you also for your post on "Yes, Mom" for today. Even though I have such a young child, I think it's a great idea to be thinking in advance on things like this. Thanks!!!
May 22, 2008 8:52 PM
Plowmanators said...
You are welcome Heather! It is a great tool to have on your radar.
May 23, 2008 4:54 PM - Dana said...
Yes momma is such a wonderful parenting tool! I've found with my son that reminding him in sign language helps me get eye contact. It also keeps me from having to verbally say it so many times each day.
May 23, 2008 11:18 AM
Plowmanators said...
Thanks for your added testament Dana!
May 23, 2008 4:56 PM - Don & Denise Sullivan said...
I absolutely agree with this. Our 19 month old son can say "mama" but cannot say "yes" yet. So whenever I give him an instruction, I tell him, "Say "Yes Momma"" and he'll look at me and nod his head "yes". When he does this, he almost always complies. If he refuses to nod his head "yes", that earns him a timeout and afterwards, he'll give me the "yes momma" and comply. It has helped him tremendously.
May 24, 2008 5:47 PM
Plowmanators said...
Thanks for your thoughts Denise!
May 26, 2008 10:07 AM
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