Essential Elements to Any Routine

A daily schedule or routine is a great way to get some predictability into your days. Ironically, the routine or schedule your baby on can really free up life for you. You can more easily commit to things when you know what your baby will be doing when. I remember telling people I had no idea when I could show up to something, but would do my best to get there. That was before my first-born had a daily schedule. Once he was on a schedule, I knew what to expect when was was able to set things like a lunch date with  friend. It meant more freedom!

There are some key elements you need to make sure you include in any routine or schedule you have with your baby. 

1-A Plan

If you are going to have a routine or a schedule, you need to have a plan. You cannot wing a routine or schedule. Write out what you want to happen each day. Allow room for adjusting as you go, but have a plan in mind when you start off. As time goes on, keep a plan in place. Always adjust as you need to and as baby grows and changes, but always have a plan.

2-A Consistent Morning Start of Day

Each day, start your morning off at the same time. Pick the time your baby seems to be able to do and start there. A good number to start considering is 7 AM. Your baby might be more of a 7:30 or 8:00 AM waker. Maybe even later. Perhaps 7 is asking too much and 6:30 AM is more reasonable. Choose the time and then start your day at that time each and every day.

You can have some flexibility. Allow 30 minutes variance. So if you choose 7 AM, your variance can be 6:45-7:15 or 7:00-7:30...but really aim for starting at the same time every single day.

This might sound like torture to you. Every single day?!? What about weekends?!? 

I can't express enough to you how much you will gain from having a consistent morning wake-up time.

While you are working toward consistency and predictability, keep every day, even Saturday, consistent. As your child gets so days are predictable and nights are slept through, you can start adding some flexibility to certain days. Until then, it is essential you are consistent with your start of day.

3-A Consistent Bedtime

On the other end of the day, work to have a very consistent bedtime each day. Just as with the morning, pick a bedtime (I usually aim for 12 hours before my morning wakeup time). Stick with it as much as possible within 30 minutes. As you get to know your child, you might find that your baby needs more of an 11 hour night than a 12 hour night. Adjust as you get to know your baby. 

4-Consistency

You absolutely cannot expect your baby to follow a predictable schedule or routine if you do not. You cannot be off-schedule more than you are on and get frustrated on those days you need baby to follow "the plan." Consistency is key to having a successful routine. That doesn't mean you can never have variance, but the variance needs to be the exception and not the norm.

Babies vary in their ability to handle disruptions. Some need things super consistent from day to day. One messed up day will mean weeks of not sleeping well afterward. Hang in there! Try to keep your baby's life super consistent so life can stay predictable. Things will ease up as your baby gets older. Other babies are super flexible and can handle changes without batting an eye. 

Get to know your baby and offer the level of consistency he/she needs. Most will greatly benefit from  a solid two weeks of consistency as you create the precedent for what is "normal." After that, give your baby the level of consistency he/she needs. I know it can seem like forever--like you will never again have a normal life. It will come! I promise. I have had the super flexible baby and the super inflexible baby. I know the days can get monotonous and hard. They will end and you will make it through. 

5-Regular Feedings

Babies and children grow, and grow a lot. They need regular meals so they can grow as they should. Be sure you are feeding as often as your individual baby needs. Work to have those feedings be regular and consistent from day to day. When you eat at the same time every day, your body gets hungry at that time each day. Consistency will pay off. 

6-Flexibility

Do not be afraid of allowing some flexibility in life. You can drive yourself crazy if you never allow for some variance in your schedule. Give your baby the consistency she needs, but be sure to take days when you need them to do something a little different. 

There you have it! These are your key and essential elements to having a routine. You need a plan, a consistent morning wakeup time, a consistent bedtime, consistency from day to day, regular feedings, and some flexibility so you can maintain sanity and add variety to life. No matter your chil's age, these elements are essential. Younger babies will need more consistency than flexibility. Older children can handle more flexibility and won't need things so consistent. Adjust as your child gets older, but always remember your key elements. 

See also:

How Schedules Impact Sleep for the Baby and the Entire Family

by Elisabeth

During the months leading up to the birth of our first baby, my husband and I received a variety of advice from friends, coworkers, and even people we didn't know regarding how to best prepare for life with a newborn. We generally listened with open ears as we were excited but also a bit apprehensive for what would lie ahead of us. One thing was certain, though: I loved my full night's sleep and was committed to getting our soon-to-arrive baby sleeping long stretches as soon as possible!

This is where Babywise entered the picture for us. Multiple people recommended reading the Babywise books before our newborn arrived and we are still incredibly grateful for this. Perhaps the most valuable concept that we have gained from these books has been the importance of schedules and how they dramatically influence a baby's (and parents!) quality of sleep well into the years ahead.

We can attest to the slight inconveniences of prioritizing our babies' schedules in order to instill outstanding sleeping habits in them. This predictability has, over the course of time, produced long afternoon naps and 11 to 12 hours of undisturbed nighttime sleep in a nearly two year old and four year old. While there have certainly been minor setbacks due to sleep regressions, baby growth spurts, illnesses, etc., we have noticed that the kids bounce back quickly as their bodies seem to crave the rest they are used to having. The same goes for traveling. If our family loosely adheres to our normal sleep routines while on vacation, the kids adjust well to their new circumstances.

While organizing your day with a baby's schedule in mind can definitely be an adjustment compared to life before a baby, you will find that the predictability and stability have many benefits to you as well. The confidence of knowing that you have established times for your baby to eat and sleep, opportunities to plan your daily outings a bit in advance and, our favorite, a solid, restorative night of sleep for the entire family creates an environment that everyone will enjoy!

Babywise and Twins: Consistency Wins

Last year I submitted a Babywise Success Story talking about how I discovered Babywise and the impact it's had on my parenting. At the time I wrote it, my twins were just a few weeks old and we were in the thick of the newborn stage. I wrote:

I have the confidence that the twins will eventually sleep through the night (and probably relatively soon!) and that they will fall into a napping schedule just like my other kids did. This phase of tiredness I’m in is just that – a phase – and with Babywise I can rest assured that it will be over soon and I will be back to my normal, well-rested self.

When the season for Babywise Success Stories came around again this year, I thought I might provide a brief update - a little "where are they now?" for those who stumble upon this in the throws of having their own newborns. Hopefully it will serve as an encouragement.

When I was pregnant with my twins, people told me it would be THE WORST. You think I'm joking, but you'd be shocked to hear the things that actually come from the mouths of strangers. Twins get a bad rap, and the general consensus was that caring for a three year old, a one year old, and newborn twins would be a nightmare.

There were hard moments, sure. There were multiple times that all four children were crying at the same time. There were nights I got no sleep. The logistics of grocery shopping were challenging at first. Nursing in public was impossible. Life had to be prioritized and some things fell by the wayside. One time in a Target bathroom I was busy bouncing my twins to keep them from crying while my 3 year old peed and I helplessly watched as my one year old dipped his finger into the toilet and then shoved them into his mouth before I could even scream NO! These are the things that happen when you have too many young children.

Yes, there were hard moments. But looking back on the year, it was overwhelmingly good. It was peaceful in a way you wouldn't think possible with the ages my kids were. There was order to our day. The was a clear routine. There was rest. There was sleep! When I look back on the year, the hard moments make me laugh instead of cry because they were just that, moments.

How did I do this? Babywise.

I am not a sleep guru. I did not study infant sleep, work in a day care, or put a spell on my children. I do not have a magic touch. I just read Babywise and I followed it. I started the eat, wake, sleep cycle with very short wake times in the hospital. I nursed on a schedule, waking the babies to feed them throughout the day. I focused on FULL feedings, which encouraged longer stretches of sleep and established my milk supply. I taught the babies to fall asleep independently and to self-soothe, choosing not to rely on sleep props. I prioritized sleep, turning down outside activities to establish a strong sleep schedule. These are all principles of Babywise and when diligently executed, they result in a well-rested family.

This was my third go-around with Babywise and it was by far the easiest, which I credit both to "practice making perfect" and to the fact that I was more regimented this time. I had to be stricter - there was just no other way to survive four little ones on my own. And the results were impressive. My twins slept through the night at 11 weeks, which was 1-2 months earlier than my other two. They had established and predictable naps very early on. When this happens - when all four of your children sleep through the night and predictably nap from 1-4pm everyday - you are rested enough to take on anything, even twins! As a mother, your outlook changes when you are rested. Things don't seem so terrible. Life doesn't seem so hard.

With four little Babywise success stories running around the house all day, it's impossible for me to conclude anything other than that when the principles of Babywise are applied consistently over time, the result is a well-rested child. This forms a foundation for all other skills and behaviors. Rest is vital for both baby and mom, and Babywise can help parents achieve it. 

The Key Element To Starting a Routine

Whether you are starting a routine with your child at one day old or one year old, there is one key element you must put into place if you want to see success. This element is no respecter of age, circumstance, weather, experience...nothing. No one is exempt if you really want to see success and the benefits of a routine.

You must dedicate some time to establish the routine. 

You must dedicate this time with little to no disruptions from what the routine will be. No nap skipping. No late nights. No vacations. You don't even want to disrupt your little one for a trip to the grocery store. 

Be dedicated to the routine. If you want a routine to stick, stick to the routine. 

Does that make you pause? Hesitate? Are you second guessing your desire to have a good sleeper with some sort of predictability in her day?

Don't panic. I said some time. I didn't say forever and ever until the end of days. So how long is some time? Ideally you will give two weeks with little to no disruptions. If two weeks is absolutely impossible, you must do at least one. You cannot logically expect a child to get established in a routine if there is never real time given to developing that habit. Your child cannot be predictable if your child can't even predict what is coming next. The only way to get here is through consistency. 

Here are some ideas to help you have success in your two weeks of dedication to establishing a routine (this post contains affiliate links):

• Let friends and family know. Be upfront and let them know you will be staying home for the
  
  next two weeks so you can help your little one get on the path to good sleep.
• Host at your house. If you can't stand the thought of missing things, host events at your house so your baby can still have consistency at home.
• Choose a good window. It probably isn't best to plan your two week window over Christmas or during a family reunion. Choose a two week window that you can be most successful in. 
• Prepare things beforehand. Get as many errands done before your two week window as you can so you can avoid emergency trips to the store. If you have to run errands during the two week window, try to get a babysitter, have your spouse do the trip, or do something like grocery pickup so your trip can be as fast as possible. Services like online shopping (hello Amazon Prime!) can be your best friend during this time period. 
• Be patient. This time period will not last forever. In baby time, two weeks can seem like forever, but it is a relatively short time period, and fully worth the time it is taking. You will be able to have a life once your routine is set. If you want to be able to have flexibility, you need to have a starting spot for your child to go back to. 

This consistency might sound tedious, but it is a relatively simple step to ensuring your baby or child can get well-established into a routine. You cannot create a routine without setting one up. This is your practice session. That would be like expecting someone to play a piano song memorized just because you mentioned to them the title of the song. You must practice and get that routine in place if you want your baby to follow it. 

The ladies of the BFBN are all discussing routines today. Check them out:

• ROUTINES (or how to start off the day on the right side of the bed) 
• Bedtime Routines- the 4 core parts you need for success
• Benefits and Types of Routines - And How You Can Use Routines Without Using Schedules 

For similar posts on this topic, see:

• Starting Babywise Late Guide

• "Flexible-izing" a Baby

• Managing the Entire Family's Schedules
• Meeting Needs of Each Child
• Let Your Schedule Serve You, You Don't Serve Your Schedule

• If You Want a Routine to Stick, Stick to the Routine

• How to Have a Routine for Your Baby and Still Have a Life

Babywise and Adoption

I have two daughters. My oldest is 3 and my youngest is 10 months. They were both adopted at birth. My youngest was born addicted to methadone and she had to go through withdrawals. The main thing that was affected was her digestive system. She had a very sensitive stomach and would writhe in pain after feedings. Over the first several weeks of her life, we learned what would help her: Zantac, ready made similac allimentum formula, Rock n Play sleeper, mylecon and Gripe Water. However, I believe the foundation of all that was Babywise!!

I vowed to start my second child on Babywise from birth - and I did. The first 2-3 months with her were tough as we tried to manage her "reflux-like" symptoms from the drug withdrawal. The stability that Babywise gave us was simply amazing. I know Babywise made all the difference in the world with her. The stability and predictability that Babywise gives was what her little body needed while going through those withdrawals. 

My daughters are 26 months apart but I never wanted my children 2 years apart (God had other plans, thankfully!). However, this past year with a 2-year-old and baby has really been smooth sailing overall, thanks to Babywise. I pictured chaotic days with both girls needing me at the same time and both girls crying while I feel frazzled and pulled in two different directions. Because of Babywise it is a rare day for me to feel that way at all! We have our daily schedule/routine and the girls know what comes next. 

People are always concerned about bonding when it comes to adoption. I feel that Babywise allowed me to bond and know my baby's cries and what it meant from a very early age. When my baby is upset and crying I always know exactly what the problem is or, with some troubleshooting, I am able to figure things out pretty quickly. 

Babywise works for my family beautifully. It has given me the ability as a mother to know my children and meet their needs before they even have to ask and it has given my family as a whole stability and consistency, even with two small children. 

-Elaine

Website: http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/

Prepping for Baby Tip: Establish Consistency

Kaitlyn holding McKenna. Isn't that precious!

As I have added babies to my family, I have of course analyzed and observed what has made the transition with a new baby easier and what hasn't. I have a number one tip for adding baby to your family. If I were forced to give a mom about to add a baby to the family just one piece of advice, this is the one tip I would choose.

Have a consistent schedule with your other child(ren) before your baby is born. Have this schedule in place ideally at least a month before the baby comes.

When you do this, you add your baby to this schedule. Your older children are not completely uprooted and turned upside down. Their day still goes like it did before baby came and at the same times. There is just an extra baby in the house.

Having a consistent schedule does not mean you can't be flexible or shift things a bit as needed. When Brayden was almost 2 years old and Kaitlyn was a newborn, during those growth spurts, we often ate lunch at 11 AM instead of our usual 12 noon. It wasn't a problem. Remember, flexibility means you start from a point and can return to that point. You need something consistent to start with in order to be flexible with it. 

I think a tricky thing if this is your second child (and maybe other children as well) is knowing how best to structure your oldest child's day to work with the baby. Let me give you some guidance.

Breakfast: This is your first stressful point in the day. For me, this was the most stressful time of day when both Kaitlyn and McKenna were babies. My husband left for work at the time by 6 AM, so he wasn't around for breakfst. When you have a newborn, you really don't know for sure when that baby will wake up. You know when you want her to wake, but they can be unpredictable. Another stressful factor was sometimes your child eats breakfast in less than 10 minutes (great!), but sometimes takes at least 30 (extra stress!). 

I think your best bet is to either plan to wake and feed your baby before or after your other children eat breakfast. I personally like after. Brayden woke at 7 AM, so I could have him fed and occupied in time to get Kaitlyn at 7:30. A newborn really needs you to watch the morning waketime. I liked having no rush with the baby in the morning. If she ever woke early, I either just held her for a few minutes while I wrapped things up with Brayden or I put her in the swing while I wrapped things up with Brayden. 

This time with our baby girl, I  have two great factors that will make this point in the day better for me. The first is Brayden. He will be 7 at the time, and he is more than fully capable of getting breakfast for Kaitlyn and McKenna if need be. Also, my husband leaves for work much later, so he will also be a great help in that area.

Take Away: Here are the main take-away points from this section. If you are on your own for breakfast, there are a few things you can do to make this time easier on yourself. One is to have your older child have a consistent breakfast time right now that stays through the baby. Get the metabolism used to eating at this time. Another is to work baby in either before or after your child's breakfast time. You might want to be mentally prepared to do either and have a plan for either side of breakfast happening. 

Independent Playtime: Make sure this is part of your older child's day. You will be so, so, so, so, so glad you do. I always did Independent play so it lined up with baby's second feeding of the day. That way I did not have to worry about the older child running around and getting into things while I did this feeding. 

Take Away: Choose a time of day you would like independent play to be (whenever you want and works best for you) and make sure that is a consistent part of your routine. Try to guess the timing for when you think your baby's feeding will be around that time of day. Then do things in the same order each day. If you have to shift the exact time of Independent Play by 30 or even 60 minutes, it will be fine. Worry about order of events more than exact times.

Nap/Rest Time: Have your older child do a regular nap or rest time each day. I time this for baby's third feeding of the day. It is another great time to not be worrying about the older child while focusing on the baby. Get this event solid in your day now. Work out any kinks. Do not wait until the baby is here to try to implement this. 

If your child is old enough he can be trusted to be nice and quiet and occupied while you are caring for the newborn, you can instead try to time this to line up with baby's nap in the afternoon so that you could potentially lay down and nap. I could nap with two kids, but it was nearly impossible for me to work it in with three. It seemed someone inevitably messed up my nap each day. But I always tried. 

My children were young enough with my other babies that I could do naps over both the feeding and the baby's nap. Remember a baby is up for less than one hour at a time. This time, I will be able to do that with McKenna. With Kaitlyn, she is up to a short rest time length, so I will have her do rest time when I am napping. Brayden will be at school. 

Take Away: Have a nap or rest time each day and make the timing work best for you. I recommend you line it up either with baby's feeding, your nap, or both. Have clear rules that involve no interrupting you while napping--make sure your child stays in bed during nap and rest time so that you can optimize this time of day. A rested mom is a nice mom.

Bedtime: If you are doing bedtime alone, this can be another tricky point in the day. I don't have to do bedtime alone, so I don't have great personal experience to draw from. I would suggest you put baby down first before your older child. For one thing, the timing of bed for the baby is far more critical than the timing for an older child. For another thing, getting a baby ready for bed is so much faster than getting a child ready for bed. If your older child is awake while putting baby to bed, have some ideas of things your child can do while you get baby ready for bed.

There is also a chance you will have baby sleeping while it is time to put the child to bed. This is especially possible for those who cluster feed.

For the sake of your older child's feelings of security, make sure you establish a consistent routine to bedtime. If you do stories at bedtime, I recommend you have a set number of books to read rather than shooting for a certain amount of time. You can say, "Choose three books to read tonight." Then stick to those three books. When Kaitlyn was a baby, we didn't have a set number of books, we just read for as long as seemed good that night. That worked fine when Brayden was the only child, but he really started to drag things out once she was around. We decided to implement the number of books rule and it worked well. 

Take Away: Have a consistent routine and order to your routine for bedtime. Also, have a plan in place for things the older child can do if you are interrupted by baby. This is very possible on growth spurt days as well as if the baby ends up having witching hour.

Conclusion

Do the best you can to have a very consistent routine before your baby arrives. I understand this is not always very possible--especially as older children get older and depending on time of year baby is born. With my girls, it was an easy feat. With this baby, I know it will be a challenge. She is due at the end of summer, and she will be born right before school starts. So our schedule will change significantly shorty after she comes. I plan to have what I can control consistent. Consistent breakfast time. Consistent bedtime and bedtime routines. Consistent nap and rest time for my girls. Do the best with what you can and it will all work out with time.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• pregnancy
• siblings
• flexibility 
• schedule
• How Flexible Can I Be?
• Let Your Schedule Serve You: You Don't Serve Your Schedule (Don't Stress):
• Understanding Flexibility
• Getting a Consistent Schedule:http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/getting-consistent-schedule.html
• One to Two Children Transition
• Two to Three Child Transition
• Welcoming Baby to the Familyhttp://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/03/welcoming-baby-to-family.html
• Babywise With Baby Plus Older Child:http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/babywise-with-older-children.html
• Nursing Schedule with Older Child(ren) :http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/09/nursing-schedule-with-older-children.html
• Planning Your Schedule for Multiple Children
• Sample Schedules: Tandem Schedules :http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/01/sample-schedules-tandem-schedules.html
• Sample Schedules: Trio Schedules :http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/05/sample-schedules-trio-schedules.html

Integrating Skills

A great thing about the book Parenting the Strong Willed Child is that it has a how-to chapter to give parentse ideas on how to integrate the skills they have outlined in the book. They have some great tips I wanted to highlight:

• Be Consistent: This is probably the number one piece of advice offered in any parenting book. No matter what you are doing, do it consistently if you want to see results. I won't ramble on about consistency; I have enough posts about it. I just wanted to point out that this book is another one that says to be consistent.
• Give Yourself Some Slack: While the authors say to be consistent, they also tell the parent to be easy on themselves. They point out that you will make mistakes. You will have times of inconsistency. Don't beat yourself up over it. I must also take this opportunity to point out that if you, and adult with much life experience and knowledge, will have times you mess up, so will your child. Despite your best efforts, your child will not be perfect. Your child will make mistakes, just like you do.
• Spend Time With Child: It is important to spend time with your child. I don't care how "strong-willed" your child is, this is important and it will make a difference in behavior and happiness. I have several posts on spending time with children. Spending Time With Baby/Child talks about the balance between enough time and too much. I love a quote I have that essentially says quality time is a direct function of quantity time. That means if you want quality time with your child, you must also have quantity. That is a topic for a whole other post, so I will leave you to think that over for a while. One-On-One Outings talks about spending time with your child one on one, as the title alludes to ;). On my latest date with Brayden, we had so many great conversations. He asked questions like, "When I die, will I still have all of my same toys in Heaven?" and "Why did Heavenly Father put stop signs on buses?" He just asked great questions that led to great conversations. These are moments that work as teaching opportunities because the child wants to know. It isn't a lecture. These are things he doesn't ask when Kaitlyn is around; he is too busy laughing his little head off.
• Have Fun With Child: When you are with your child, have real fun with your child. Be interractive. Try to let loose and be a kid again. This will strengthen your relationship, which makes discipline easier on both ends. My little sister is so great at this skill. Kids love her and they always have. I believe it is in large part because she always has fun with the child. She is never checking her watch. She has a great imagination and has fun with kid games. She has never been one to say, "That game is so childish"--even as a "too cool" teenager. Children naturally are drawn to her. Kids can tell who the fun adult is :) Now, of course as a parent there are other things you have to do in life. Not every minute of every day is fun and games (do you ever miss childhood?). But the time you take to spend with your children can be fun and games.
• Let Child Help: Let your child help with chores. Is this hard? Yes. Does it take more time to do things? Yes. I have a post on this topic, Creating A Good Helper, that outlines this idea with benefits of doing so. This book also stresses the importance for building a relationship. I remember in college learning that if you want to create a situation where conversation flows naturally and freely, put a task between you and the other person. Wash dishes. Work on a car. Go for a walk. When you allow your child to help you with chores, you create a more comfortable situation for good conversation.

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS

• Consistency
• Parenting
• Spending Time With Baby/Child
• One-On-One Outings
• Creating a Good Helper
• Parenting the Strong Willed Child

Index: Consistency

Consistent Schedule

• Consistent Bedtime 
• Consistent Schedule: Start Your Day Right
• Getting a Consistent Schedule
• Sleep Routine

Establishing Consistency

• Establishing Consistency--Make Sacrifices
• Getting a Consistent Schedule

• How to Have a Routine for Your Baby and Still Have a Life

• The Key Element To Starting a Routine

Baby Whisperer: Starting a Routine "Late"

In The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems, Hogg outlines steps to starting her EASY routine late--meaning later than birth. She outlines what to do and what to expect when starting at various ages. I particularly love one piece of advice she gives.

Hogg says when starting a routine, take two weeks to stay home and be consistent. She says you must do at least one week. "You must make the time to make the change" (page 42). I love this advice and have given it myself many times.

We started full Babywise with Brayden when he was 9 weeks old. It was summer, and we had a lot of things going on. Add to it the fact that he was the oldest grandchild on one side and the oldest grandson on the other, and he was a popular guy. We experienced disruption after disruption. After a couple of weeks, I finally decided he needed time to be consistent and get this new way of life. My husband and I decided there would be no disruptions for two weeks to his schedule except for church.

This made a huge difference! It was such a huge difference that when we were deciding on the timing of when to have Kaitlyn, we chose a time of year that we knew we could easily establish her schedule with her. This is a huge consideration for me when I am deciding what time of year I want my children to be born.

So when you are starting your routine, give time for a routine to be established. You will be able to enjoy life a lot sooner if you do :)

Related Posts:

• Starting Babywise Late: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2007/12/starting-babywise-late.html
• Establishing Consistency--Make Sacrifices: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/establish-consistencymake-sacrifices.html
• Getting a Consistent Schedule: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/getting-consistent-schedule.html
• E.A.S.Y.
• baby whisperer (blog label)
• consistency (blog label)

Principles of Instruction

On Becoming Babywise II lists five principles to keep in mind when you are giving instruction to your child (pages 89-90). These principles apply with your baby and on up through your toddler and child years. Here are my thoughts on the principles.

EXPECT A RESPONSE
When you tell your child to do something, expect him to do it. When you ask your child a question, expect a response. Children rise to the expectations placed on them. You want to be sure your expectations are age appropriate. That means you neither expect too little nor too much. See this blog label for more on this idea of responding: yes mom

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
Don't ever tell your child to do something if you aren't going to follow through with making sure he does it. Don't hope he will respond, but when he doesn't think, "Oh well, maybe when he is older." If you do this, he will learn to disregard your instruction.

When you give instruction, be clear in what it is. Keep it at a level of understanding for your particular child. Once you have given the instruction, you need to be consistent in expecting your child to follow through and obey.

If your child is doing something he shouldn't and you know you have no intention of making sures he stops, it is better to say nothing than to tell him to stop and then let him continue on.

CONSISTENCY
The key to so much in raising children is consistency. Discipline is certainly no different. Inconsistency will only confuse your child. When you are consistent, your child knows what to expect, which gives him a lot of control over the outcome of his day. You want you to be consistent, the boundaries to be consistent, and the consequences to be consistent. Then your child can be consistent. You cannot expect a child to be consistently obedient until you are first consistent. See:

• boundaries (blog label)
• consistency (blog label)
• BW II: Freedoms: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/babywise-ii-freedoms.html

REQUIRE EYE CONTACT
When you give an instruction, require eye contact from your child before you give it. Babywise II says to start this at twelve months old. You can start by saying, "Look in my eyes" or I say, "Look at Mommy's face" and turning the child's chin so he is looking at your face. Before too long, he should understand what you mean and look without your turning his face for him.

When your child is looking at your face, there are several benefits. One is that you know he is listening and aware that you are speaking to him. Another is that he isn't getting distracted by the other things going on around him, so he can process your instruction.

When you do this, be sure your eyes are not intimidating to look at. Your child isn't going to want to hold eye contact with you if you are essentially "staring him down."

I want to add a cultural qualification here. For the U.S. culture, eye contact is an important non-verbal cue that the listener is actively engaged in what the speaker is saying. If you live in a culture where this is inappropriate, you don't have to do it. I know that for many cultures, a child looking an adult in the eyes would be a sign of disrespect. If this is true for you, think of something you can instruct your child to do that is culturally appropriate that can demonstrate that the child is listening.

EVALUATE CONTEXT
You need to always be mindful of the context of the situation. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming legalistic. You can assume your child's actions were wrong incorrectly. You can also assume your child's actions were innocent when they were quite wrong. Few "rules" or actions are always right or always wrong.

Here is a simple example. Let's say you have instructed your child to not run. He is usually very good at obeying this instruction, but one day runs. You find out that he ran because there was a bee next to him. He was stung by a bee last week, so he knows he doesn't want to be near it. In the context of this situation, your child wasn't acting out of disobedience but rather self-preservation.

You might be in a situation where running just isn't safe. For example, you might be walking down the sidewalk with a busy street by you. Rather than punishing your child for running in this situation, you would want to talk to him about this and come up with a plan for him if he feels the need to run.

See this blog label for more along this idea: context and especially this post: Adjusting for Context

These five principles can help you to have more successful training periods with your baby, toddler, and child.

Related Posts:

• discipline (blog label)
• Discipline Methods: 10 Months and up
• Proactive and Directive Parenting
• Moral Training: Start Early
• Prevention
• Babywise II (blog label)

Discipline Foundations for Your Baby

As your baby starts to show need for discipline, there are certain key points that are good for you to keep in mind. It is important for you to learn how to discipline effectively. On Becoming Babywise II explains that if parents set the right course, the baby is less likely to stray and will learn more quickly (page 69).

To discipline is to train your child. When Brayden was a matter of a few days old, my Mom told me that I needed to realize that each day my job was to prepare him to leave me some day. I needed to teach him how to become self-sufficient. I needed to teach him the life skills necessary to become independent of me. Some might find that a sad notion, but that is our job as parents. Our children will have influences of teachers and friends, but for the most part, the world will not take a vested interest in training our children, though the world will apply all consequences even if our children are not prepared to face them.

DEFINITION OF DISCIPLINE
You might be thinking your baby can't possibly do anything wrong. It is important to take note of what discipline means. Discipline is training. "Discipline...is a process of training and learning that fosters self-control and moral development" (On Becoming Babywise II, page 83). You are realigning your baby to make sure she stays on the right path. We read in Babywise II that discipline and the need for correction doesn't necessarily mean the baby did something wrong (page 84).

AREAS OF TRAINING
There are three areas you train child in:

• Life Skills
• Heart Issues
• Health and Safety

CONSISTENCY
Consistency is very important when it comes to discipline. "Immediate and consistent consequences speed up the learning process" (On Becoming Babywise II, page 64). The more consistent you are, the faster your baby will learn and the less over-all correction you will need to apply. It is difficult for your baby to know your expectations if you are inconsistent.

Before your baby reaches the age for the need of discipline, it would be wise for you to think through possible actions your baby could do that would not be okay with you. Then think through what your reaction will be. Yes, it is hard to look to the future and see what your child will do. Start practicing now; it is a skill that will come in useful to you throughout the life of your child. You will definitely miss some, even if this isn't your first child. But you can get an idea in your head.

Be sure that in your quest for consistency, you don't overlook the need to modify your approach. You can be consistent in your rules while still modifying your course of action with correction.

OBEDIENCE IS HARDER FOR PARENTS
Have you heard the phrase that people live up to the expectations placed on them? "True obedience is often more difficult for the parent than for the child, for children always respond to parental resolve and expectations..." (On Becoming Babywise II, page 88).

Think about your own reservations. Do you really expect your baby to obey you? If not, why would your baby do so? Don't underestimate the ability of your child to read you, now and in the future. Every so often, I find myself giving an instruction to one of my children and realizing that I didn't really expect compliance with it. The child does not respond. I will do a quick pep talk in my head and gather my resolve and repeat. It is amazing the difference simply changing my expectations makes.

Another problem if you have improper expectations is that you likely will not apply correction if you didn't mean it in the first place. Are you really going to correct your child for not doing something you didn't expect to happen in the first place? If you don't expect it, you are better off not instructing it.

BOUNDARIES
You must provide boundaries. If your child has too much freedom, she will get into trouble. You want to give freedom in manageable limits. To set boundaries is to limit activities and freedoms, but not to abolish them all together. For more on boundaries, see the blog label boundaries .

AVOID POWER STRUGGLES and ALLOW DIGNITY
You want to avoid power struggles with your child. Parenting is not about being the "top wolf." If you have a dog, you probably know that if you want to be "top dog," you need to look away last. This isn't your goal with your child.

A power-struggle will happen if you and your baby go head to head and you basically stand over him and stare him down until he relents. A better option is to allow him to surrender with dignity. See Discipline Strategy: Surrender with Dignity.

Related Posts:

• Baby Highchair Manners
• Baby-Proofing
• Boundaries (Toddlerwise)
• Boundaries: Part II (Toddlerwise)
• BW II: Freedoms
• Childishness vs. Foolishness
• Discipline Methods: 10 Months and up
• Discipline: Progress is a Spiral
• Prevention
• Proactive and Directive Parenting
• Teaching Your Baby "No"
• discipline (blog label)
• obedience (blog label)
• Babywise II (blog label)

The More You Do It, The More Your Child Will Get Used To It

No matter what it is, the more you do it, the more your child will get used to it. When it comes to activities your family likes to do, expose your baby to them as early as appropriate so that both you as parents and she as the child can get used to it.

While growing up, my parents lived about a 3.5-4 hour drive away from their parents. We would go visit often. My sister and I became very adept at entertaining ourselves in the car. We were really good travelers. My parents started young and did it often. If your family likes to travel, the more you do it, the more baby will get used to it. However, please remember balance. You need to be sure you provide the consistency your child needs so she can have somewhere to return to once you get home. A new vacation every week is going to cause severe disruptions to your child's routine.

My Dad is also big into playing sports. Even as an "old man" (love you Dad!), he would play on five different basketball leagues at one time. When I was a baby, this was no different. As the oldest, my Mom easily took me to basketball games. I was used to the noises. I grew up very used to the behavior that was expected of me at the games. At a young age, my Dad was able to bring me to watch his games while my Mom stayed home with my baby sister. Times were different then, but I was used to behaving as I should. If your family enjoys attending and playing in sporting events, starting baby at them at a young age will help get her used to it. If she is older, she will get used to it the more she goes.

This not only applies to traveling and loud events, but everything. The first bath Brayden had, he hated it. Over time, he grew to tolerate and eventually like it. The first time Kaitlyn felt grass, she was not excited about it. She wouldn't put her bare skin on the grass. Over time, it no longer phased her.

As you teach new skills (self-soothing), wean from bottle to sippy cup, instruct on hand folding, introduce new foods, and the many other things you will teach, your child might be a bit weary at first, but she will get used to it with time and consistency.

As baby is exposed to sights, sounds, smells, etc., she will get used to it and learn how to adapt. Of course you need to take into account overstimulation and avoid it. You can ease her into things if she needs it. Just as you don't need to avoid all things she dislikes, you also don't need to throw her into the deep end, so to speak. Some children do much better with a gradual introduction to things.

Related Posts:

• Going Out
• Overstimulation
• Overstimulation for Toddlers
• traveling (blog label)
• consistency (blog label)
• disruptions (blog label)
• flexibility (blog label)

Consistent Bedtime

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Having a consistent bedtime is very important to your baby on up through child. Consistent bedtimes are important for adults, also. Be sure you keep bedtime as consistent as possible. The -wise books recommend you strive for at least 5 of 7 days in a week to have the same bedtime for your child.

For some babies and toddlers, bedtime needs to be very specific. I have heard from readers who say that five minutes too late results in their baby waking up too early in the morning, but when bedtime is at the right time, morning wake up time is also at the right time. If your child is having difficulty making it to morning wake up time and you can't seem to figure out the reason, look into tweaking bedtime and find what is optimal for your child.

Some people will keep baby up later in the evening in hopes of having baby sleep in later in the morning. This can work if the time you are keeping baby up until is his optimal bedtime. If, however, you are passing the point of optimal, you are most likely causing him to wake earlier than he otherwise would.

For my children, bedtime has never needed to be exact to a minute as some readers have found, but they do not sleep any better if they have a later bedtime than they should. A few weeks ago when we were at the Emergency Room with Kaitlyn (see In Action: Benefits of Babywise III ), we did not get home until 11:30 PM. This was four hours past her bedtime. The next morning, she did not sleep in an extra four hours. She slept in an extra 30-45 minutes, but that was it. She did take a longer nap than usual the next day, but again, not four hours extra.

I have found the same to be true with Brayden. With him, often a too late of a bedtime will result in waking earlier than usual. As he has gotten older, he might sleep in a bit extra, but not enough to make up the lost time.

Take note that just because your child will wake at about the same time each morning even if bedtime is late doesn't mean he will sleep until the same time if bedtime is early. He should be pretty close, but he might wake earlier. With both of mine, they will basically wake up after their current perfect nighttime sleep length. For Brayden (3.5 years) right now, that is 11.5 hours. For Kaitlyn (21 months), 12 hours.

Don't underestimate the need for a consistent bedtime for your baby/child. Don't overlook the importance of finding the right bedtime for your child. Bedtime is important to your day, just as are the other elements of your day.

Related Posts:

• Bedtime (post)
• bedtime (blog label)
• consistency (blog label)
• Sleep Routine: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/sleep-routine.html
• Sleep Begets Sleep (post)

Overstimulation

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Overstimulation is when your baby or child has basically had a sensory overload. The younger the baby, the easier it is to overstimulate her. Babies have never experiences most of the things happening around them; it is all new. Their senses are all receiving new information. Sights, sounds, touches, smells, and possibly tastes all impact your baby.

Here are a few common causes of overstimulation in the baby:

• Awake Too Long: Keeping your baby awake too long causes overstimulation, and is probably the number one cause of it in the younger months. Make every effort to keep your child's waketime at her optimal length. See Waketime: Length, Extending, and Calculating: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/waketime-length-extending-and.html and Optimal Waketime Lengths.
• Held Too Long: "Too long" is going to be different for every baby. It is up to you to figure out how long is too long for your baby. This is less likely to be a problem when it is just you and baby at home. This is more of a problem when you are at a large gathering with many different people wanting to hold your baby. It also seems to be more of a problem for a baby older than 6 weeks than those younger. When you have a family or social function, watch your baby and intervene if you see the passing around from person to person is getting to be too much for her.
• Too Much Activity: This can be too much noise, too much visual stimulation, too many new smells, etc. This is most likely to happen in the evening when the whole family is home and, again, at social functions. This can also happen if baby is at a certain toy too long. For example, our bouncer that we have is a kick and play bouncer. When baby kicks, it lights up and plays music. If a baby is in the bouncer too long, she becomes overstimulated.
• Routine Disrupted: This is a capstone of all other reasons I listed. Baby isn't getting naps as regular, baby's meals might be off, baby isn't getting any quiet time to herself, there are several cousins running around having a great time, etc. Things are different from usual and baby has a lot to take in.

Unless you hide yourself in your house for several months, overstimulation is bound to happen. With my babies, I try to avoid overstimulation as much as possible, but sometimes you have something important to be at. You might have a graduation, a wedding, a Christmas party, or something as simple as family here to see the baby. We can't avoid these situations, nor do we really want to. Here are some ideas for avoiding overstimulation in such situations:

• Give Baby a Break: Whenever I am at a social function like this, I take advantage of a diaper change or feeding to give my baby a break for a bit. I nurse my babies, so I will take them to a room where it is just the two of us. I will keep it quiet. After they are done nursing, I will change the diaper and then just let her lay for a moment. She can lay there in quiet without being held and just get a breather from everyone.
• Allow for Sleep: If you can, have your baby take naps when she normally would. Most newborns will fall asleep in people's arms. If that happens, allow it. Most babies will outgrow sleeping in people's arms somewhere around 2-3 months. If your baby is at a point where she just won't sleep in arms anymore, take her and put her somewhere she will sleep. It might be the carseat. It might be a bed in a room somewhere. Maybe a swing.

Of course, even with our best intentions, baby can get overstimulated. Often times a newborn will basically shut down before overstimulation happens. They will appear to be asleep, but be more of in a neurological shut down. Not all newborns do this though. Brayden was 6 weeks old for his first Independence Day. We went to the parade where he screamed and screamed. It was all too much for him. A nice lady told me I could go up on her porch to get further away from the parade, but he just wouldn't calm down. I finally just took him home where he fell right asleep. For Kaitlyn's first Independence Day, she was close to 3 months old. She just went right to sleep for the entire parade.
What do you do once overstimulation has happened? How do you deal with it? At this point, baby is usually fussy if not fully crying.

• Remove Baby From Stimulation: The first thing to do is remove baby from the situation that has her so stimulated. Take her to a quiet and possibly dark place.
• Let Baby Cry: Babies blow off steam by crying. If she needs to cry, let her cry so she can get it out. You can hold her and just let her cry. When Brayden was a baby, we found it was good to lay him on our bed, hold his arms so he couldn't startle himself with his reflex, and just let him cry. He would get his cry out, then look into our eyes and calm down. He has never been cuddly, so holding him was a bad idea when he was overstimulated--it just made it worse for him.
• Learn Soothing Tricks for Baby: All babies are different. Perhaps when your baby is upset, a certain song is what will calm him best. Maybe he really needs a pacifier. He might like to be bounced. He might prefer to be swayed or rocked. Try tricks out to see what works for him.
• Sleep: Baby most likely needs sleep. Get baby to sleep as fast as possible. Don't expect baby to fall asleep on her own, either. This is a situation where you put baby in the swing or something to get her to fall asleep. When Kaitlyn was 2.5 months old, we went to a birthday party for my brother in law. Kaitlyn missed a nap altogether. I didn't have her take the nap while there because Grandma was enjoying holding her, and Kaitlyn was beyond the point of sleeping in arms. When we got home that night, I put Kaitlyn in her bed. By that age, she didn't ever cry before falling asleep. That night, she did. At first I thought she would just need to blow off some steam. We soon realized she was not going to fall asleep on her own. We moved her to the swing, which usually knocked her right out. In the swing, she cried for 20 minutes before falling asleep. It gets hard for them to fall asleep once they are overstimulated, which is why I caution you against expecting her to do it. You can always try, but if it isn't working, don't force it. For church, Kaitlyn always missed a nap. She wouldn't sleep in arms and wouldn't sleep in the carseat at all. Up until about 6 months old or so, we would get home and put her right in the swing to sleep. At some point, they are old enough and experienced enough to go to sleep after being overstimulated, but be mindful in the early months.
• Return to Schedule: Once baby has the sleep she needs, get her back on the schedule she needs. Also, watch her during following waketimes to see if he needs a shorter than usual waketime.

Please feel free to share any tips you have found to work for helping with overstimulation.
Related Posts:

• Playtime: Don't Over Stimulate
• Baby Whisperer: Respecting Baby
• Establishing Consistency--Make Sacrifices: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/establish-consistencymake-sacrifices.html
• Dealing With Disruptions To Your Routine: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2007/12/dealing-with-disruptions-in-your.html
• Let Your Schedule Serve You, You Don't Serve Your Schedule: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2007/12/let-your-schedule-serve-you-you-dont.html

Establish Consistency—Make Sacrifices

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Whether you are trying to teach your 6 week old to self-soothe, 8 month old to have independent playtime, or 22 month old to obey, consistency is a very important ingredient to a successful recipe.

Over and over again, I say to be consistent. So much of my advice includes the "be consistent" admonition. Consistency is likely to require some sacrifice on your part and the part of family members.

This idea of sacrifice is much easier when the child is the only child. When you are sleep training with your only child, you can more easily put things on hold for a couple of weeks than when you have an older sibling itching to get out of the house and go to the park. If you have older children at home, sacrifice is still necessary, but your efforts might take a little longer. You are likely going to need to compromise and have all children make some sacrifices. New baby will have to take some naps away from home. Older child will need to play at home sometimes.

So when you are working on something new and want to get it solidified, I recommend you maintain consistency. To do this, I often pick a time I know I can easily devote a couple of weeks to the process. Stay home and letting him get it. Plan on two weeks of really committing your time to it. If there are really bad days and you have to get out, go ahead, but try to make those very seldom and definitely not more than one nap a day (if sleep training). The effort will help him get on track. I did some major sacrificing when Kaitlyn was a baby, and it really paid off.

I purposefully planned Kaitlyn's birth to be at a time of year I knew we could commit to staying home and letting her establish her schedule. I realize not everyone has that luxury, but it is something we were able to do. We were all over the place when Brayden started sleep training. It was the middle of July and family activities were everywhere, and everyone wanted a piece of our new little baby. After about a month I realized what we were doing to him and we decided to tell people "no" and put Brayden's need for consistency above our desire to please those around us. We dedicated a good two weeks to staying home and letting him get it. He very quickly improved.

Remember, you have to establish a normal to return to. When you stretch a rubber band and then let go, it returns to where it is anchored. But what if there is no anchor? That rubber band can fly to any, random spot in the room. Create a solid schedule for your baby to hold fast to. It is well worth the effort and sacrifice it takes.

The same idea applies to whatever you are working on, though the length of time you need to devote before baby is solid will vary based on baby's personality and experience with schedules. For example, if you have a flexible 8 month old learning independent playtime who already has a predictable schedule, it might only take a week to get independent play incorporated. Or if your baby is not so flexible, it might take several weeks.

While you are introducing things that you have some control over the time of day they happen, put them at a time of day you know you can most easily maintain consistency. I have independent play in the mornings. I know I will be home in the mornings. I have it at a time of day I know I am home 98% of the time. That way, it can easily remain a consistent part of our day.

It can be emotionally taxing to devote time to establishing consistency. I would just remind you that it is but for a season. It is well worth the effort to get something solidified. Then your baby can be more flexible, giving your more freedom in the long run. Stay home and work on those new discipline tactics. Then when you take your toddler to the store, you can correct him with confidence, knowing what works and what doesn't. You can attend public affairs without fear. The sacrifice gives you greater freedoms in the future. As a parent, you will often need to make sacrifices for your children. Hang in there, do what you can to maintain your sanity, and remember those sacrifices will pay off in the end.

All of that said, I also caution against locking yourself up until your child enters kindergarten. While you do want to establish consistency, remember that consistency will help you and your family to enjoy life more fully. You have the consistency so that you can go to that social function and enjoy yourself. So you can go to the park and be able to easily control your toddler's interaction and reaction with other children. You don't want to sit in the house all day every day in fear of messing up your schedule. You can have days where things are off. You can easily go back when you know where you came from.