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Brinley Preschooler Summary: 44 Months Old

This is a summary for Brinley as a preschooler from 43-44 months old.

Last time I talked about how she has moments of vacillating between wanting to be little and wanting to be independent. That continued, but so did her wanting to be a little sweet girl and a huge antagonist. The sweet won out more than the antagonize, and the antagonizing lasted only a week, but it always seems like forever! The boundary pushing is always exhausting. It was reminiscent of her pre-3.5 year old days. 

SLEEPING
Sleep was great. No troubles. Brinley really likes to play PBS Kids on the computer. If she stays in bed for her nap, she gets to play for a bit after her nap. If she gets out of bed, she gets no computer time. She loves her computer time so much that she will not leave that bed for anything. One time she was calling to me and wanted some socks on her feet. She is able to get her own socks and put them on, so I told her, through her monitor, she could get out of bed and get her socks. She wouldn't do it. She was afraid she would lose computer time. No assurance could convince her otherwise, so I helped her out. 

EATING
Eating is good. Nothing major to report here.

HELPER
Brinley is still finding ways to be independent. She loves to help me do things. She has started to find a thrill in helping me cook food. She helps with a variety of things, and her favorite is when her family thanks her for making dinner.


ASK AND TELL
Before her boundary pushing time, we had a lot of days where we needed to go to the school for various things. Each of the kids had a talent show at the school. It was a simple talent show just in front of their classes, but I still wanted her to be a good audience. She tends to talk at full volume. Before we went to the first talent show, I told her where we would be going. I told her children would be performing and that she needed to sit on her chair and could not speak loudly. She needed to watch and clap when the child was done. She did it! She was fantastic.

Another day, I needed to go help in Kaitlyn's class during math time. This was immediately before Kaitlyn's talent show, so I wouldn't have time to go get Brinley in between helping and the talent show starting. I decided to take a risk and bring Brinley along.

I had risked Brinley coming with me to McKenna's class a couple of months before, and it did not go well. I knew my only chance for success was ask and tell. I told Brinley we would be going into Kaitlyn's class. I told her we would bring some books for her to look at. I told her she would not be allowed to talk at all or to get out of her seat. She understood. 

We brought about 15 books. She sat at her table in the back as good as gold for 30 minutes. Kaitlyn called out to Brinley to say hello and Brinley barely lifted her hand to wave. She was quiet and just looked through her books. Kaitlyn's teacher came back at the end to compliment Brinley on being so well-behaved. 

I also used it for our musical performances. Brinley knows and loves every song. She also insists that SHE is the main character. I talked with her before and let her know other kids were taking a turn being the various characters and that she needed to watch and enjoy it. She couldn't get upset that other kids were singing the songs. She was great!

McKenna also had a first grade play that we needed to make sure she was good at. This was over nap time, so the time she was likely to be the most mis-behaved of all. Worked like a charm! 

Guys, ask and tell works and it works wonders. And it is so very simple. 

ROUTINE ORIENTED
This girl likes her routine. She really was fine until spring break. She loved having the kids home, but she also got thrown way off of her groove. She loved the fun things we did, but her response to the frequent disruptions is to get naughty. I will have to try to use the "ask and tell" idea on her before summer. 


FAVORITES
This month, her favorite thing to play with has still been My Little Ponies.  She does still love LEGOs, and still the real kind. 

SCHEDULE
Here is our typical schedule:

8:30 AM--wake up/eat breakfast/scriptures
9:00 AM--get ready for day
9:30 AM--watch 30 minutes of TV 
10:00 AM--Independent Playtime
11:15ish AM--Learning time
12:00 noon--Lunch
12:30 PM--free play
1:30/2:00ish PM--Nap
4:30/5:00 PM--Wake up and free play
5:30 PM--Dinner
6:00 PM--Family time
8:00 PM--Get ready for bed
8:30 PM--Bedtime

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Tools for Teaching Children About Pornography and Protecting Them From It


We live in a day when we must be proactive about a great many things--things generations of yore could ignore and most children would get by just fine. Not only do we need to be proactive, we need to be proactive at increasingly younger ages. When Brayden was born, 10 years ago, the average age for exposure to pornography was 11-13. Today, the numbers say more like 7-9. We need to arm children with the tools they need to know how to to respond if and when they are exposed to pornography. We want preventative measures here--not reactionary. 

What Age To Start?
On some levels, you can start arming your child against pornography from a very young age. I will talk about the types of lessons that are great for giving young, innocent children further on. As you teach your child about his/her worth, to stand up for himself, and that you are a safe place to bring questions and concern, your child is being prepared to face hard situations. 

You may have read about how we do a Family Home Evening each Monday night. During a few Family Home Evenings in 2015, we had some lessons to talk about pornography. We did it with all four kids there--ages 10, 8, 6, and 3 (though our 3 year old was not really paying attention to the lessons).

What To Teach? 
Whenever you are teaching a young child about something like this, you want to keep it basic. You don't want to over-share. You don't want to expose them to things. Keep things simple. Teach principles. Empower your child. 

You want to come out of teaching these lessons with your child knowing:
  • If I see something that makes me have a bad feeling, the right thing to do is to leave it.
  • If I see something that makes me have a bad feeling, I should immediately turn it off or walk away and tell my parents or another adult in charge of me.
  • I can always tell adults in charge of me the things that are happening. I can ask questions and tell them things without getting in trouble. 
  • I am of infinite worth. I am in charge of my own body. 
Through our church, we have some fabulous lessons all outlined and prepared to teach children about pornography and what to do about it. These lessons are on appropriate levels for children. I won't reinvent the wheel here--I will link directly to the lessons but give you a summary of each one. The lessons include ideas for object lessons and ways to involve children and preteens/teens. 

In the first lesson we used we talked about how our bodies are from our Heavenly Father. Genesis 1:27 reads that "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Our bodies are gifts. We should treat our bodies with the respect they deserve as a gift from God. This is a great lesson for a basis for pornography and also for protecting children from sexual predators.

Unfortunately, we can't just leave it at "your body is sacred" and hope the rest falls into place. We need to provide more information. I would teach this lesson when your child is old enough that exposure is a real possibility. I would do it if your child is spending time away from home without you. I would do it if your child spends time on the internet at all. You never know when something might pop up.

You will need to start with defining pornography for your child. This is an area you might vary things based on age. When my husband taught this to our younger children, he focused on how things make us feel a lot. Children are sensitive. They will know if something they see is not good. Go back to the lesson on the body being sacred. If something comes up that shows the body in a way that is inappropriate--that is not using the body as a person would using it as a gift form God--then it is not a good image. 

How children respond to pornography exposure will impact what place pornography has in their lives in the future. Teach them to turn it off, walk away, and come tell you. The story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife from the Old Testament is a perfect story to illustrate how to respond when something comes up you shouldn't be involved with. 

We talked about the first two with the full family, but this third lesson I feel is often more appropriate for preteens and not younger children. This is basically a simplified version of "the talk." It can be a great help when you are ready to have the talk with your child.

If your child is in a situation where pornography is a reality in life, this would be a wise lesson to teach. A great trouble in the world of children who grow up in a conservative home is often that they feel sex is bad. It isn't talked about openly, so when they get married, they feel like they are sinning and have a lot of conflict and confusion within themselves. 

If a child is exposed to pornography and not taught what healthy sex life is like, then the exposure will be the only lessons the child has. So keep this in mind for helping to teach about the sacred nature of sexual relations in the right setting. There are some good ideas in this lesson for helping illustrate that point on a level for children and teens. 

Prepare Yourself
You need to be prepared for that possible day when your child tells you he has accidentally seen pornography. Do not get angry. Do not accuse your child of seeking it or being too careless. You want your child to be open with you about it, so make the conversation one the child isn't scared to have again. Help your child figure out how to avoid the exposure in the future. Be comforting. Tell your child she did the right thing by coming to you.

Prevent Exposure
Prevention is obviously ideal. You can help prevent exposure through a few simple steps. 
  • Have content filters on your devices. Be aware that anti-virus or anti-spyware software are not content filters. Content filters help block unwanted material. 
  • Use devices in safe mode. You can get an application that helps you control certain things. You can control time spend online and block questionable material. You can also set up things like Google, Yahoo!, and YouTube to filter. Here is a search result on apps for safe kids mode.
  • Have time limits. The more time spent on the internet and devices, the higher your odds for exposure to inappropriate material. 
  • Keep all electronic device use in public locations. Do not allow these things into bedrooms. We had purchased Kindle Fires for our kids to use as an e reader and also as a tablet. We had a rule that only books could be opened in bed. Once we started pondering pornography and keeping kids safe digitally, however, I felt like I was not okay with my kids taking the internet to bed with them each night. So we purchased them Kindle Paperwhites without the advertising (you want to purchase without "special offers") so they can take their books to bed. The Fires stay out where we can all see them.
  • Do not allow electronic devices to be private. You are allowed to take the devices at any time and inspect what is going on and what the history is. 
  • Follow up the lessons. We do monthly Private Interviews with Our Children. During these interviews, the children are asked if they have had any exposure or anything they want to talk about. They know they will be asked questions and they know we are willing to talk about it. 
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Encouragement as a Discipline Tool

Huh? Encouragement as discipline? But encouragement is positive, and discipline is negative, right?

Nope! Discipline is teaching and guiding. It doesn't mean being angry, upset, or even disappointed. It means you are guiding your children in the direction they should go. Remember last week when we talked about your example as a tool of preventative discipline? Encouragement is another tool of prevention.

On Becoming Pre-Toddlerwise states, "...there is also the encouragement side of training which is always positive, affirming and serves to motivate" (page 117).

What are some ways we can be encouraging?

Thank for Obedience
Thank your children for being obedient. Tell your child she did a great job at coming to you when you called her. Offer encouraging words when your child decides to be obedient.

Do this even when you have had to remind her several times and when she is doing it begrudgingly. When my children are obeying in this manner, I often thank them with a twinkle in my eye and I exaggerate the thanks. This often makes them giggle and snap out of the bad mood and into a good one.

Catch Good Deeds
Your child will often do kind things or right things without you having to instruct her to do so. Recognize these moments. Offer her encouraging words, give her hugs, thank her, and/or talk about how that makes her feel inside. Help your child to recognize that choosing correct behavior leads to her feeling happy inside.

Recognize the Effort
Whether your child tried to control her temper but failed, or worked really hard to sweep the floor (and did a great job or a job you might expect from three year old capabilities), recognize the effort that was put into it. 

"I could tell that you really tried to not yell. That was good work." Then you can talk about ways she can be more successful next time. 

"Thank you for all of your work in sweeping the floor. You worked really hard." And don't go on behind her and pick up all that she missed.

Results
When you are encouraging and focus on the positive, your children will want to be even better. They will work harder and put more effort into doing the right thing. That is why I will often thank for obedience even when it is not with the best attitude. They are children after all--adults get grumpy and stomp around  why would a child be any different? A way a child is different is in the ability to snap out of a bad mood quickly, and focusing on the positive helps them do that. Once the attitude is improved, you can sometimes point out, "Isn't it much nicer to be in a happy mood than a grumpy mood?" Most of the time, however, let experience do the teaching. 

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More is Caught Than Taught

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By the time your child is a pre-toddler (ages 12-18 months), you have no doubt noticed that your child is a little mimic. Your child will start to do some strange action over and over only for you to realize you do that same thing. Children do what the adults in their lives do. Often times this is magnified--some something small you do or say will be exaggerated by your child, making it more noticeable.

I remember when Kaitlyn was a pre-toddler. She started to have an obsession with pushing her long sleeves up. I thought it was quite odd for a child of her age. She did it so intentionally that I knew she had picked it up from someone. As I observed people around her, I quickly saw it was from my mom. My mom always pushed her sleeves up if she had long sleeves. 

So what's the point of this other than that it can be incredibly cute (or incredibly embarrassing at times)? "Beware now and in the future, when it comes to training, more is caught than taught, which means your example forms lasting impressions" (On Becoming Pre-Toddlerwise page 117).

I love that--it is catchy. More is Caught Than Taught. 

Your example is paramount. You can sit and have lessons on appropriate behavior, but your example will teach more than your words ever can. If you find your child's behavior unacceptable, the first place to look is at yourself. Are you doing that behavior in some way?

The next place to look is at siblings. Younger siblings look to the older siblings and "catch" all of their behavior. Then look to other caretakers, family members, and friends. If your child is picking up bad habits from friends, you can minimize it by shortening exposure to the friends. Your child needs to learn to be able to be around friends without problems, but we all pick up on things from the people we are around. 

Minding your example is the first step in correcting children. This is the preventative side of correction. The prevention side of correction is so much more powerful than the corrective side of prevention. Preventing problems takes a lot of work initially, but it makes life much easier in the long run. 

I have written many times on example. Here are the posts:
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How to Set Boundaries

Last week, we talked about why you set boundaries with your children. As a quick review, we set boundaries to protect health and safety, and to guide morals. But just how do you set boundaries for a mobile child? And how do you set boundaries for a mobile child who has older siblings around? I can make sure there are not toys in the house beyond the ability of my oldest child, but how do I keep toys age appropriate for the three year old with a seven year old at home?

It isn't just toys. A seven year old can watch shows a three year old can't. A seven year old can participate in activities the three year old can't. A seven year old can handle things around the house that a three year old is not yet able to do.

No matter the birth order of your child, she is going to have things she wants to do that she can't, and as On Becoming Pretoddlerwise puts it, "...he will let you know he is unhappy with you" (page 109). This can be quite startling. Up to this point, your child has been a little sweetheart for the most part. Then he starts protesting and tantruming. Do not let the tantrums drive your judgement on what is appropriate and what isn't. Remember you are the parent, and remember you aren't setting boundaries because you want to be mean. You are setting boundaries to protect the mind, body, and heart of your child.

In setting boundaries, you will be limiting your child's freedom in environment, speech, and choices (page 108).

Physical Boundaries
One thing you can do to set boundaries is to set up physical boundaries. You can strap your child in a high chair to play while you make dinner. You can have your child play in a pack-n-play if you can't watch her--whether you are helping older children with homework or using the rest room. You can use less physically restrictive boundaries and use a blanket as described for blanket time. 

As your child gets older, you can remove actual physical boundaries and give verbal instructions on boundaries. You might have a certain room be off limits for playing in. At our house, my craft room is not to be played in without me in there. I have scissors, pins, and other sharp things I don't want children getting into.

You start with more physical restraining. You might put toys in a tote and up higher than your child can reach. You might have a baby gate, doors closed, locks, playpens, etc. to restrict your young pretoddler from where she should be and play with. 

As your child demonstrates responsibility and ability to obey, you add freedom. You open the door--but the room is still off limits. You might start to allow the child to be in the room with your supervision. These turn from physical boundaries to understood boundaries. 

A Word About Siblings
With younger siblings, always keep in mind that life isn't even. Fair and even are two different things. It is not fair to allow a young child freedoms beyond her ability to handle. It is not fair to deny an older child freedoms just because the younger sibling isn't ready for it. Fair is treating children appropriate for their age. 

That doesn't mean younger children won't complain or "wish" they could do things the bigger kids do. McKenna (3) often says, "I wish I was bigger so I could..." Something I like about that statement is that she at least realizes she needs to be bigger/older before she can do certain things. 

You will also find your older children complain about things the younger child gets to do or doesn't have to do. This is very easily solved. Brayden complained about what McKenna didn't have to do when she was younger. I explained the difference between fair and even, but then added, "If you want to be treated just like McKenna, I am happy to do it. McKenna takes a long three hour nap every afternoon. We can be sure you take a three hour nap every afternoon. She also doesn't get to play video games. We can make sure you don't play video games." And so on. He quickly saw he didn't actually want things to be "even" between McKenna and himself. 

I will be writing more on this topic of fair vs. even in the future because I want to make sure we all really process it. 

Always be mindful of your child's environment. I think the nature of living in a family and being a few years behind an older child means the younger child will often be exposed to things before the ideal age. Do the best you can. We don't live our lives in vaccums, so you can't just isolate the younger child from the influence of an older sibling. You can, however, minimize the impact. 

It would be easy to just not worry about it and let the 18 month old play with the little Legos. That 18 month old will be drawn to them both by the nature of the toy and the fact that big brother spends a lot of attention on those little items. The 18 month old will not appreciate being told he can't play with them, and life would be easier for mom at the moment if she just let him do it. Always remember that what seems easiest right now often leads to more difficulty down the road. If you allow your child too many freedoms, you will at the very least have a battle of wills in the future. You also might find yourself taking your child to the doctor to remove a tiny Lego piece from his nose.

Conclusion
Setting boundaries for your child, no matter the age, is what is best for your child's development. Playing with toys that are developmentally appropriate for your child makes it so your child can learn from the toy, rather than be either board or frustrated. Setting boundaries also helps protect your child's safety and helps protect property. It also helps prevent your child from getting "wise in his own eyes"--also often called "too big for his britches." Your child doesn't need to grow up faster than he should. Childhood is so short in comparison to life; it is not a bad thing for a 15 month old to act like and be treated like a 15 month old. All of the grown up abilities and responsibilities will come soon enough. For now, he can be a child.

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Selfishness and Rebellion Are Not Outgrown

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In Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp states: "Selfishness is not outgrown. Rebellion against authority is not outgrown" (page 23). I really liked these statements when I read this book. I agree with it.

I don't think many of us reading this post are the type to think that they can ignore behavior and some day the child with "outgrow" it. I often get questions in person from people of "At what age will my child stop doing XYZ?" This is always in reference to some discipline issue. My response is always the same. I tell people the child will stop doing it when the parent requires the child to stop.

Of course certain things are within reason and natural tenancies of age groups. Toddlers are very self-oriented and require the developmental milestone of growing to think of others (typically starting around age three). Once the child is capable, however, of learning to think of others and develop sympathy and empathy, these desirable qualities will not be developed without effort. 

People don't "grow out" of undesirable qualities. They are either taught to live another way, with much effort and practice put into doing so, or they learn "the hard way" through "life's" lessons. A lot of heartache can be saved if we help our children to learn virtues through means other than hard trials in life. Doing so will not eradicate trials from life--trials happen even to the best of people. We all know that. Doing so will simply allow for further growth because the trials will be improving and building on the sympathy, rather than simply teaching it. 
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Family Mealtime: Preparing for Success

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For our family, family dinner is of very high importance to us. There are some who discount the value of family dinner time, whether consciously by deciding it isn't important or subconsciously by letting busy schedules take over and push family dinner time out of the picture. 


I believe family dinner time is a great opportunity for the family to sit and discuss the activities of the day. We all sit at the table with no distractions like television on. We discuss the events of the day. We ask our children what they learned. We also like to ask what nice service they did that day (an idea we read from an article and loved). 

As in anything, it is best to "start as you mean to go on" and train rather than pull from the place you shouldn't be and retrain. Of course you can pull and retrain, and of course it is worth it to do so, but if you have the chance, starting off right is far easier.

On Becoming Babywise Book Two has some ideas for helping parents prepare for family dinner success. It starts on page 42 and ends on page 43.

0-6 Months Old
When baby is awake, have baby be in the room with the family during dinner time. For us, our young babies were usually finishing up the last nap of the day while we were eating dinner. But if they were awake, they were with us at dinner.

6-12 Months Old
Many babies will be awake during dinner time sometime in this six month span. Your baby will likely eat dinner just before or just after the rest of the family eats dinner. If baby is awake, you can have baby sit in her highchair and eat finger foods while the family eats. This is what we do as soon as baby is awake during family dinner time. 

12 Months and Older
Shortly after 12 months old, your baby will likely be eating dinner the same time as the family and eating the same thing family is for the most part. If  you are still feeding pureed food, you might start by mom or dad feeding baby the purees and then giving baby finger foods and safe food from the family dinner. I highly encourage you to share your meal (anything safe) with your baby. This greatly increases the likelihood of your baby growing to like to eat what is typically on your menu. 

On Becoming Babywise Book Two suggests spending your efforts on table manners at breakfast and lunch and not at dinner. Yes, you correct when needed at dinner, but you don't start new rules or spend your full effort on training at dinner. You want family dinner to be enjoyable and beneficial. If your child is disrupting those goals, then you address it, but otherwise wait until breakfast and lunch to work on any issues that arise.

Conclusion
Starting out life by focusing on the importance of family meals not only sets the stage for your child to love and expect family dinner time, it sets the stage for you to find value in and preserve this great family tradition. You might have to be creative. You might have a spouse who is not home at a reasonable time for family dinner. If it is a priority for you, you can think of a way to get the benefits from family dinner in (having family 'dessert' or 'breakfast' instead). 
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Think Prevention First

On Becoming Childwise: Parenting Your Child from 3-7 Years

"While we discuss many discipline options, we desire that our readers think prevention first and foremost" (On Becoming Childwise, page 11).

Prevention is not a new concept to us in life, much less to us in parenting. And yet, just like in life, we find ourselves reacting to situations rather than focusing on prevention. Reactive parenting leads to basically band-aid solutions. By that, I mean that we are covering a situation with a band-aid rather than healing the wound (nothing against band-aids, they are great for minor injuries, just not when stitches are required :) ). It is better to move your finger out of the way before the knife gets there than to cover up the deep wound with a band-aid.

I know, we can't always prevent. That just isn't possible. But that needs to be our first effort.

The idea of prevention also isn't new to this blog. I have several articles that discuss the concept of prevention.

You can learn how to prevent tantrums and mis-behavior by reading Ask & Tell. You can prevent unwanted behavior from escalating with the tips found in What and Where. Get your child in the habit of accepting what mom has to say by teaching "Yes Mom." Another great trick for prevention is Training In Times of Non-conflict.

Of course, the ultimate in prevention is to start your preventative thinking from day one. Both Babywise and The Baby Whisperer talk about this. I have a post inspired by thoughts from the Baby Whisperer called "Start As You Mean To Go On." I also have a post inspired by the -wise series titled "Prevention." The principles in these posts apply to any prevention situation. Another early concept from the wise series is Proactive and Directive parenting, as opposed to reactive parenting.

We want to avoid the trap of Credit Card Parenting from the very beginning.

So there is a lot on this blog for you to turn to for more on prevention.

Childwise points out that "Preventing wayward behavior...[means]...not creating the conditions that pull children off-track[. This] translates into less correction you will need to do" (page 11). What does this mean for you?

Let's think about the idea of logical consequences. Many of you are seeking help with discipline and want to understand how to apply logical consequences better. Last Friday, I wrote a post with ideas for logical consequences surrounding problems with diaper changes. Do you remember my main point in that post? It was to distract baby during diaper change, and distract from the beginning of it. You don't want to wait until baby is throwing a fit to give her a toy to distract her with. You give it to her as soon as she is on her back, maybe even before.

Remember, also, how I mentioned that with my girls, I was trying to give them toys at the diaper change by about 4 weeks old? My experienced mommy brain knows it is much easier to prevent behavior than to correct behavior. That idea to prevent takes over the knowledge I have that a four week old can't even hold a toy during a diaper change :)

As the first quote in this post says, "...think prevention first and foremost."

As I have been thinking about and writing this post, I have thought a lot about my own children. I really for the most part do not have discipline problems. Yes, sometimes they do things they shouldn't. We have our moments, but for the most part, things are pretty smooth around here.

I think a lot, if not most or all, of the credit for that goes straight to prevention. I am a person who easily sees the domino effect from a decision. I can quickly follow a pattern in my head of "I X, then y, then z..." I can follow that to the end. Prevention comes quite naturally to me.

The first step in understanding prevention is to acknowledge that actions have consequences. You must realize that what you do will impact your child's behavior, for better or worse. As Childwise says, don't create situations that pull your child off track.

I think sometimes acknowledging prevention means that you have to make sacrifices. I know that keeping a child up past her bedtime will mean she will get mischievous and grumpy. This does no create an atmosphere for obedience and cooperation.

I think prevention also means you get to know yourself as well as your child. Preschoolwise comments that it is better to say yes to something before your child whines, not after. So if you know you will give in to something if your child whines, say yes before she whines. Prevent the whining. I think sometimes we say no hoping she won't whine about it, but if you know you will give in, just say yes the first time. Rest assured if you know you will give in, she knows even better.

This means you need to know your child and know how she reacts in different situations. Does she get cranky if a meal is late? Are you going out close to a meal? Then bring snacks. Prevent the meltdown.

Prevention doesn't mean your child always gets what she wants in order to never make her sad or upset. It means respecting her needs and not giving in to tantrums. There will be times you will say no and she will not be happy. This is when you will stand your ground. You will say no when it is necessary, so you can have the strength of will to not bow to hers.

If you are having major discipline issues, I would suggest you focus your efforts more on preventing behavior than addressing behavior. If you have no issues yet, I suggest you get in the mindset of prevention so you can stay on that path throughout the years.

Keep in mind that prevention is the most difficult with the oldest child unless you have a lot of experiences with young children. You don't necessarily know that X and Y lead to Z, so you will do things that you later realize was unwise. You will get the hang of it.

Remember, think prevention first.


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Ask and Tell


Ask and Tell is a notion that wise parents use often. By wise parents, I don't just mean "Babywise" parents, but wise parents. It is an age-old trick. I have found that many of the moms I respect most around me, who have very wonderful children, use this tool.

So what is Ask and Tell? Ask and Tell is found in On Becoming Preschool Wise starting on page 179. This is the same idea as training in times of non-conflict. Before you leave your home to go somewhere (church, shopping, out to dinner, etc), you get down on your child's eye level. You then explain where you are going and what is expected. Explain the rules for this outing.

Over time, your child will come to understand the rules and won't need the rundown each time. Instead, you can ask. Ask what the rules are for church. You can start with questions like, "Do we run in the church?" As your child continues to get better, you just ask for the list of rules. This works well because people don't like to be lectured about something they understand well. The five year old does not need the rules spouted off to him when he has been hearing them for the last two years. He will tune out. But if you ask him questions, he will be involved, and he will know that you recognize he has progressed beyond the three year old level of understanding and behavior.

You can also use Ask and Tell for teaching about greeting people. Perhaps you are going to visit a relative you don't see often and you know your child is a bit shy around new people. You can teach him before you leave that your great aunt will say hello and he needs to say hello back. You can also say that she will likely tell him how cute he is, and that he should reply with gratitude.

Some children will also greatly benefit and need some role-playing. You can tell your child to show you how to walk in the church, or how to shake hands politely, etc.

I have also used it to avoid the meltdown when it is time to leave somewhere fun. Brayden has a hard time leaving places. This problem seems to be the worst the first time we go to the park after winter is over. So I will tell him that we are going to the park, and when it is time to leave, I don't want any fits or any crying. I know it is fun and he wants to stay forever, but we can't. I also know he is sad to leave, and that is fine to be sad, but that doesn't mean he can or should throw a fit. If he can't leave without throwing a fit, then we won't be going back. I lay it all out there. It produces the results I want.

As you use this skill, your child will come to understand and employ proper behavior and social courtesies.

I am not always great at utilizing this skill. I often find myself expecting my children to just know how to act in different situations. If you think about it, that is rather silly. Why would a child just know if he hasn't been taught? The times I remember to do this, things go much more smoothly.

I think I have shared this in the past, but this it illustrates this very well. We have some friends who had no children, but were great with kids. They loved kids and kids loved them. My children enjoyed their attention immensely.

They adopted a little baby boy. We went to visit them the day they came home from the hospital. For some reason, I didn't really think about the fact that my children would need to act differently than they were used to acting in their home. I knew they need to, but I didn't realize that they wouldn't know they needed to.

So we went over and our kid were kind of crazy. They were noisy and they wanted to have the attention they were used to. Of course our friends were new parents and enamored by their precious, long-awaited for baby.

I was shocked at their behavior at first, but as I thought about it, I realized the fault was with me.

We went back a few days later to bring them dinner. They wanted us to eat with them. Before we left, I sat my children down (they were 3.5 and 19 months at the time) and told them the rules. I explained there was a new baby and they needed to be quite and respectful.

They were fabulous! Poor Brayden was afraid to speak above a whisper at first because he didn't want to disturb the baby. It was a much better experience--and all it took was a few minutes of our time before we left the house. It was as simple as that.

This is something I am adding to my list of things I need to be better at. I have used it and I know it works. I need to make it a part of my habit before we leave the house. Try it! I promise you will like it.

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What and Where

What And Where
On Becoming Preschoolwise talks about two important words to help keep your preschooler doing what he should be doing: What and Where (page 94).

You start by deciding what your child should be doing and where he should be doing it. And when your preschooler starts to stray from the what and where? You simply ask one of two (or both questions): What are you supposed to be doing? (wait for answer) Where are you supposed to be? (wait for answer).

Preschoolwise points out that these questions are preferable to the old "I told you to..." and my additions of "How many times do I have to tell you..." and "What part of no don't you understand?"

"The what and where questions will help your child take ownership of what is expected without constant reminders from Mom" (page 94).

In Action

Now to finish up with this practice in reality. It sounds nice on paper, but of course your child will come up with his own responses that weren't in the book.

If your child is like Brayden, he might respond, "I don't know." Hmmm....here is how I work past the "I don't know" answer. I don't know again removes responsibility from the child, so we want to avoid it.

You might be a "yes, mom" sort of gal and think this will prevent all problems...perhaps so, but perhaps not. This is what I do. I give the instructions. I then ask Brayden what I just said. Often times, even after he has "yes, mom"ed me, he can't really repeat what it is I said to him. So I tell him to listen carefully. He does, and he repeats the instructions the next time.

Knowing that he will be expected to repeat his instructions, he now pays better attention in the first place. So, you give instructions. You then immediately ask your child what and where. You then have him do what you have told him to do. Then, if you need to return to what and where later, you know he always knew what he was supposed to be doing. And he knows that you know :)

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Credit Card Parenting

On Becoming Babywise II makes reference to "credit card parenting." "You will pay the training price in the future, but with compounded interest" (page 63). This statement is surrounded by so many other strong statements for parents to think about that I am sure many parents completely miss that, at least on a first read-through. Also, if this is your first child, you might not really grasp the truth of that statement.

The future. Tomorrow. It will all get better. We seem to believe everything will be easier in the future. My husband often makes plans for the future, believing we will have more time in the future to do things. A good friend of mine with three young children looks to the future thinking life with children will slow down...then she looks at the schedule of a friend of ours with three older children (two teenagers and one in elementary) and realizes it doesn't slow down. It gets busier.

I can't remember where I heard it, but someone counseled to never depend on having more time tomorrow than you have today. This is wise to apply to all aspects of life. Don't plan on tomorrow bringing you more money than you have today. And don't plan on tomorrow bringing you a child who is more willing to comply with your instruction.

What does credit card parenting mean? First, think of how a credit card works. You buy stuff using a credit card, planning to pay for it tomorrow. As soon as you buy it, you start earning interest on it. Perhaps you have a card with a grace period, but when those 30 days are up, your extra supply of cash you were hoping for doesn't come, so again, you have to pay the interest. Now that item you purchased will cost you a lot more. It will take more money to pay for it than it would have if you had waited until you actually had the money. Not only do you owe for what you originally paid for, but at the end of the interest-calculating period, that interest is added to your total that you owe. You then owe interest on the new total for the next period--not just the first total. This is compounded interest.

So how does this relate to your children and training? First, you must accept that tomorrow is not going to be an easier time to train your child. I have had these thoughts, also. You think the child will be more mature in the future, have better communication skills, and therefore be easier to teach these concepts to. When you allow inappropriate behavior to continue in hopes of having a child who is more willing to comply with your instruction, you will be sorely disappointed.

Your child will not be more willing to comply. Your child will be confused. You will be removing freedoms that were once allowed. That isn't going to make your child more amiable. It will likely bring out a tantrum. Teach your child now.

I must point out a few caveats here. When I say teach your child now, I don't mean you take your 2 week old and start working on things like "Yes Mommy" and hand-folding. You teach your child when it is age-appropriate. Not sooner, and not later. There are age guidelines for when certain training is appropriate, but you also must be the parent and evaluate your child as an individual. While doing this, don't underestimate your child. She is capable of more than you might think. She understands a lot more than you realize. I also must warn that you don't expect more than she is able to give.

Along the same lines, it is perfectly fine to wait for your child to be ready for something before you train or move forward with a transition. If your child isn't ready to handle the freedom of moving to a "big girl" bed, keep her in the crib until she is ready. This is called parenting in the funnel (see funnel ).

Also, avoiding credit card parenting doesn't mean that if you have a 12 month old and have let certain behaviors go on for the last six months all hope is lost. It is never too late to start training your child. It might take more time and more effort, but as the saying goes, better late than never. So when you realize there is something you haven't started or something you have allowed that you shouldn't have, fix it. There is no time like the present. And notice I said when and not if. It will happen. You aren't perfect.

Believe me when I tell you that it is much easier to address discipline issues from the beginning. It is easier on you and easier on the child. An 8 month old is a lot more willing to comply than an 18 month old. Start now. You will be glad you did.

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Proactive and Directive Parenting

In On Becoming Babywise II, we learn that parenting should be proactive and directive rather than reactive and restrictive (page 57). What this means is that you should direct your child in what is right to do before she does something she shouldn't. When you wait until after she has done something she shouldn't, then you have to restrict that behavior.

This doesn't mean that for your 7 month old you sit down and give a lecture on what she can and cannot do. That would probably lead to you trying to delve into the moral reasoning behind a situation, which your 7 month old definitely is not ready to understand.

This means that you try to think of things she could do that she shouldn't and train her to do something else that will prevent the behavior from happening. An example in the book is where to put hands during mealtime. The proactive approach is to have a specific place for your child to put her hands. The reactive approach is to let her put her hands wherever she wants to. When she then tries to put her hands in her food, the directive parent tells her that is a no and reminds her where her hands do belong. The reactive parent spends her time just trying to keep the hands out of the food without having somewhere for the hands to go. If she remembers the idea of putting hands on the tray, the child might be resistant to this new confinement after being able to put her hands wherever she wants to.

Children respond much more successfully when you tell them what then can do rather than just what they can't do. Just telling the child, "No hands in your food" leaves the world too wide open for them. Even Brayden now, at 3.5 years old, responds much better to, "You can't do X, but you can do Y or Z." Children do not have the experiences that we do as adults to tell them, "If X is bad, then I shouldn't do W either, but Y or Z should be acceptable." They need to know what to do with themselves.

There are going to be times, despite your best efforts, that your child does something you never even considered a possibility. In that case, you will be taken by surprise and have to react to the situation. If you have been directive where you can, then this shouldn't be a huge problem. You might even be able to pull from other directives you have given and apply them to this surprise. Even if the child isn't your first, subsequent children can take you by surprise. Each child has her own personality. But you do get better at spotting potential problems the longer you have been a parent.

I know it can seem crazy to direct a 7 month old in such a manner. She seems so young. But she isn't too young to be trained and directed to behave in the right way. The more training you do early on, the less training you will have to do in those toddler years. Trust me that a 7 month old is much more compliant than a 17 month old.

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Training in Times of Non-Conflict

Training in times of non-conflict means that you teach your child appropriate behaviors before the actual potential problem occurs. Many times your child will act in a way that is displeasing to you simply because he literally doesn't know any better. Training in times of non-conflict allows you to teach your child what appropriate behaviors are. It is also a time to work out the "kinks" without the benefit of people watching both of you.

What are some situations you might want to train for? Perhaps you have a friend coming over to play with your child. Training before the conflict would be to tell your child Bobby is coming to play, then going through the motions of what will happen when Bobby gets there. You will greet Bobby at the door and do whatever you do. Then perhaps you will go to your son's room to play. Bobby will want to play with your son's toys. Your son needs to share toys with Bobby. And so forth.

Perhaps you are going to Bobby's house to play. You want to avoid a meltdown when you tell your son it is time to go home. You tell your son what is expected and do a practice session.

Maybe you are going to go out to dinner at a restaurant or friend's house. You can practice appropriate voice levels and manners.

It is possible you have decided it is time for your son to sit more quietly at church. You might have practice church time at home. I once attended a conference where a woman spoke who had 8 children. She had some twins and all of her children had come closely together. She was determined that they would sit on the front row and be good. They practiced at home each day until her children got it.

All training in times of non-conflict needn't be in preparation for social situations. It can be for a happy attitude when it is nap time, clearing dishes after a meal, etc. The point here is that training your child before it is a battle of wills between the two of you will help prepare you both. You can clearly outline your expectations and have that clear in your head. Your child can be informed of those expectations and learn how to carry those expectations out.

What age do you start this? Probably younger than you think. You need to decide what age your child is ready, but know that your child understands far more than he can communicate. Keep expectations and instructions age-appropriate, in both directions. Don't be too hard but also don't be too easy. This is something that can be so beneficial to both you and child. Give it a try!
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Start as You Mean to Go On as a Parent

Start as You Mean to Go On as a Parent. Do not start habits you will later want to break or allow habits you will later want to break. 

Start as You Mean to Go On as a Parent. Do not start habits you will later want to break or allow habits you will later want to break.

Just like every story has a beginning, so does every life. And just like the beginning of a story impacts what is to follow, so does the beginning of life impact what is to follow. In Secrets of the Baby Whisperer (affiliate link), Tracy Hogg suggests to readers that they start as they mean to go on. This idea is found on page 48. What this means is that when you bring your baby home from the hospital, you start life with your baby as you want it to be in the future. If you want your baby to self-soothe, you start now. If you want your baby to sleep in the crib, you start now. If you want baby to be on a schedule, you start now.

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How to Get Your Child to Obey with a Simple "Yes Mom"

How to Get Your Child to Obey with a Simple "Yes Mom". This is a simple solution to get first time obedience. 
How to Get Your Child to Obey with a Simple "Yes Mom". This is a simple solution to get first time obedience.
"Of all the practical helps we can offer, this one has undoubtedly the most impact on a child's willingness and ability to comply the first time" (On Becoming Childwise, p. 122--affiliate link).

Does that sound too easy? I think it does. A little too easy. It sounds easy enough that at times I let if fall back in my radar. Despite the easiness of the way, let me assure you that it absolutely does work.

When you give instructions to your child, you want to require him to give you a "yes, mom" (or yes, dad) response. For you, hearing a "yes, mom" lets you know your child heard what you said. If your child doesn't obey, you know it is because he chose disobedience, not that he didn't hear what you said.

For your child, "yes, mom" is your child committing to obey. Years ago, a person's word was completely trustworthy. If someone verbally committed to something, they did it. We have been taught in our modern age to lie, cheat, and steal to get where we want to go. We tell people what they want to hear. If you want a commitment, you need it in writing. But our children haven't learned that yet. They are still pure. We all know that morally, a verbal commitment should be honored as much as a written one.

Of course, your child will have moments where he "yes, moms" and then doesn't follow through. But it really does make a huge difference on the rate of obedience. There is a communication theory that many people have heard about. It is called "self fulfilling prophesy." This theory basically states that if you tell yourself something will happen, it likely will--for better or worse. When your child agrees to obey, he is creating his own self-fulfilling prophecy.

The first time I tried "yes, mom" I knew we had a winner. Why? Because it was so hard for Brayden to say. He didn't want to say "yes, mom." He was avoiding eye contact. He was struggling internally. He tried just nodding. I told him no, I wanted a "yes, Mama." He finally gave it. I knew that he knew if he said "yes, mom" that he would be committing himself.

Starting "Yes, Mom"

  • Sit down in a time of non-conflict and explain the new rules about compliance.

  • When you first start "yes, mom," you need to tell your child to say it. You tell your child "In five minutes, it is time for your nap. Say 'yes, Mama.' " Your child should then say it.
    How to Get Your Child to Obey with a Simple "Yes Mom". This is a simple solution to get first time obedience.
  • Require eye contact when giving instructions. If your child is used to ignoring you, you might need to hold his face in your hand to get that eye contact. Eye contact helps your child focus on instruction. Also, it is a great communication skill for your child to develop.
  • Practice what you preach. If you are going to require your child to respond "yes, mom" when you call his name, you should do the same for him. Like I said, eye contact is a great communication skill. It tells the speaker that you are listening. When your children call to you and talk to you, you should respond with a "Yes, Brayden" and look him in the eyes. I have also read in an article that responding with a "Yes, Brayden" or "Yes, Honey" to your child is a lot more inviting and friendly than a "what." You are more approachable with a "Yes, dear." If you want your children to be kind to you and others, you need to be kind to them.
  • After some time, your child will surprise you by saying "yes, Mom" on his own without any prompting. Be sure to thank him and tell him what a good boy he is to say that without you reminding him.

Resistance to "Yes, Mom"

You can be pretty confident that the day will come that your child refuses to say "yes, mom." Be prepared for how to deal with that so you aren't standing open-mouthed. Brayden quickly learned that when he said "yes, mom," it meant he had to comply. Just last week we were outside and I told him in five minutes it would be time to go in for his nap. I told him to say "Yes, Mama." He responded, "No, Mama." I said, "You don't have the freedom to tell Mommy, "No, Mama." You need to say, "Yes, Mama." He then let out a whimper but said, "Yes, Mama." When the five minutes were up, he went inside, washed up, and got in bed with no problem.

You also will likely have moments when your child says "yes, Mom" but then doesn't follow through. If/when this happens, be sure you have a consequence. "I am sorry you chose to disobey Mommy, now you won't get to play outside after your nap" for example. Be sure you have a consequence fitting for the offense, will mean something to your child, and also that you follow through with that consequence. See this post for more on that:
Tantrums and Discipline: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/tantrums.html

In conclusion, don't let the easiness of the way deter you from using "Yes, Mom" with your child. You will be surprised by the results.

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Reader Comments/Thank Yous:
    On Becoming Childwise
  • heather said...
    I wanted to thank you also for your post on "Yes, Mom" for today. Even though I have such a young child, I think it's a great idea to be thinking in advance on things like this. Thanks!!!
    May 22, 2008 8:52 PM
    Plowmanators said...
    You are welcome Heather! It is a great tool to have on your radar.
    May 23, 2008 4:54 PM
  • Dana said...
    Yes momma is such a wonderful parenting tool! I've found with my son that reminding him in sign language helps me get eye contact. It also keeps me from having to verbally say it so many times each day.
    May 23, 2008 11:18 AM
    Plowmanators said...
    Thanks for your added testament Dana!
    May 23, 2008 4:56 PM
  • Don & Denise Sullivan said...
    I absolutely agree with this. Our 19 month old son can say "mama" but cannot say "yes" yet. So whenever I give him an instruction, I tell him, "Say "Yes Momma"" and he'll look at me and nod his head "yes". When he does this, he almost always complies. If he refuses to nod his head "yes", that earns him a timeout and afterwards, he'll give me the "yes momma" and comply. It has helped him tremendously.
    May 24, 2008 5:47 PM
    Plowmanators said...
    Thanks for your thoughts Denise!
    May 26, 2008 10:07 AM
How to Get Your Child to Obey with a Simple "Yes Mom". This is a simple solution to get first time obedience.
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