How to Stop Aggression in Children

No one wants their child to be bullied. It is something that would break our hearts. But I think that even more so, we don't want our child to be the bully. At least I feel that way. Luckily, I don't think it has to be an either/or situation.

Along the same lines, no one feels happiness inside when their little angel is aggressive toward another child. Sometimes, acts of aggression come out on a rare occasion. Your child might have been hit by another child and she is reacting to it or maybe it is an extenuating circumstance that really pushed her over the edge.

Today we are talking about consistent aggression and what to do about it. This information is found in Parenting the Strong-Willed Child. I will say, however, that there are strategies here that I apply even if my typically non-aggressive child shows aggression. 

1. Praise Good Behavior: This works on any child for anything. Accentuate the positive. 
2. Find Alternatives: Help your child to find other things to do if the child is upset--something other than being aggressive. You don't want your child hitting other people or animals.
3. Limit Television: I think anyone with any observation ability will admit that the more television is watched (or video games played) the more aggressive the child's behavior will get. If you have an aggressive child, I would do 0-30 minutes a day. Brayden is far from aggressive. He has been the child to be hit and never hit back. But one day, he got aggressive just in his demeanor. I immediately cut all TV, video games, computer time, etc. for a full week. It is the first thing to go. And it does help with all behavior issues.
4. Limit Time with Aggressive Children: If your child spends a lot of time with other aggressive children, she will be more aggressive. If she is picking up bad habits or if she is tending to be aggressive, limit her time with aggressive kids. Keep it infrequent and for short periods. Also, keep a close eye on the children while they play. As your child gets older (beyond three), she can start to self-manage even in the face of peers doing what they shouldn't, but up to that point, her morals are not developed and she needs you to carefully guard her exposure. Even after age three, you will have to be careful. Slowly over time, your child will be able to do what is right even when peers don't.
5. Don't Reward: Don't reward aggressive behavior. Did your child hit another child because he wanted that dump truck? You had better be sure your child does not get to play with the dump truck if you want to curb aggressive behavior. Did she hit you because you said no cookie? Don't give her the cookie! 
6. Remain Calm: This is important even if the child was aggressive toward another child. You can be firm, but still be calm. Remember that remaining calm ensures the child doesn't redirect anger and frustration over consequences at you. He owns up to his own decisions. 
7. Immediate Time Out: There are no second chances here. You give an immediate time out. I would look at this a a cooling off period--a chance for your child to take a break and gain composure.
8. Acknowledge Feelings: Say things like, "I know you are feeling angry because Tommy has the dump truck you want..."
9. But Stress Inappropriateness: Stress the inappropriateness of the actions. "I know you are feeling angry because Tommy has the dump truck you want...but it is not okay to hit him."

Related Posts/Labels:

• Strong-willed
• discipline
• hitting 
• Logical Consequences: Hitting and Biting: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/08/logical-consequences-hitting-and-biting.html

Self-Control: A Foundational Virtue

Sometimes, training our children, from baby to older child (and I am sure pre-teen and teen) is exhausting. Sometimes it seems it would just be easier to just sit back, relax, and see where the chips land and go from there in a year or two. Why all the effort? Why all the work?

"Self-control is a foundational virtue, meaning other virtues are dependent on it" (On Becoming Babywise II, page 22). I definitely believe this. I have long been taught the importance of self-control, but now that I am the mom of a 5.5 year old, I can really watch the effects of self-control taking place. "Self-control influences kindness, gentleness, proper speech, controlling negative emotions, concentrating, focusing, sitting skills and many other behaviors" (page 22).

Self-control influences kindness. How does it do this? For one thing, self-control allows you to filter what comes into your head. Kindness is definitely something some people lack, and I am sure a lot of it comes from a lack of ability to control what they think. 

Of course, I strive for a higher law than simply controlling my words--I want to control my thoughts, too. Perfect? No. I think unkind things about people sometimes. So the next step is to learn to control our thoughts. We push those unkind thoughts out of our heads and replace them with kind thoughts. 

Self-control also helps with kindness in the world of sharing. We control our selfishness and think of others.

What about gentleness. If you have a hitter or a biter, have you ever considered your child's ability to have self-control? Are there things you could do to help your child learn to control herself--to not act on that impulse to hit another person?

This can be helpful with positive emotions, too. Perhaps your child is very excited to see a puppy or a baby. A child with self-control is better equipped to be "gentle and soft" with the young thing. 

What about concentrating? Does your mind ever wander? Is it hard to stay focused when reading something "boring"? 

It all comes down to controlling yourself. YOU choose your emotions. YOU choose your actions. YOU choose your perceptions. You are free to act--you don't have to be acted upon. You are not the victim of your surroundings. A person with self-control knows this and recognizes this. You don't have to be angry. You don't have the right to be unkind. You are stronger than your emotions. You can find something to be of interest. 

But it isn't easy, is it! I am positive you saw something in that list that you find difficult. 

So why do we put the effort in now?

To help our children better master self-control throughout their lives. Teaching that baby to control her impulse to spit food all over your face helps her to better control her desire to crack a joke about another person down the road. She learns it is okay to spit in the tub, but not at the table. She learns to control herself. She learns to think about what is appropriate when. She learns that entertaining herself is not all that should drive her behavior.

These early steps are small, but they greatly aid in the development of self-control. 

Related Blog Labels:

• Babywise II
•  self control

Help a Reader Out: Pre-Toddler Hitting

Lisa said...

I was happy to see this post because this is something I'm dealing with right now. The only difference, however, is that my son is hitting adults, not kids (at least not yet). So far, he has hit me and my husband as well as my mom (the dog too). He seems to do it when he is frustrated, but sometimes I don't have a clue why he hits.

As far as understanding why he hits and trying to eliminate the reason, I don't know what to do. One example of a time he may hit is when I try to hand him over to daddy. He loves his daddy, but he is on a real mommy kick right now an sometimes will snub daddy. A few times, he has taken it as far as swatting at daddy's face. How can I stop that? I can't just let him have his way and not give him to daddy.

Sometimes he hits for seemingly no reason at all. If I'm holding him and I look at his face and make eye contact for too long, he swats.

Here is the scenario: Right after he hits, our innate reaction is to gently grab his hand away from our face. But, he doesn't always just swat once...he will continually swat and with both hands. So you are trying to protect your face, tell him No and isolate him in the playpen all while he is swatting at your face. In addition, our "reaction" of trying to get him to stop sometimes makes him laugh. He is the kind of baby that loves to get any reaction out of you he can. The more you tell him no, the more he laughs and does things again. That's bad enough when he is pulling on the curtains, but it's really awful with the hitting.

So by the time you get him in the playpen, it feels like so much just happened and you aren't even sure he heard you saying "No we don't hit" let alone understood what you meant and the "hitting" was the action he had just taken. Once in the playpen, he does cry because he doesn't want to be isolated, but I really don't think he realizes that it is because of what he just did. (By the way, he is 16 months old, so the talking to and reasoning with you mention in your post, really won't work here).

I am basically at the end of my rope. This has been going on for a while. We've also tried to teach him "gentle" as well (rubbing his arm or face softly while saying the word.) He just hasn't gotten it.

I would really love some suggestions. Everything you mention in your post sounds good, but none are really relevant to my exact situation. You were able to tell Kaitlyn that as a result of hitting, she no longer was able to play with Brayden. How can I apply such punishment in our situation?

August 12, 2010 10:42 AM 

D & H said...

Lisa, when I worked in a daycare I had a problem with a one-year-old little boy who was hitting another child. You said your boy "is the kind of baby that loves to get any reaction out of you he can." It was the same for this boy. What worked with for him was to watch him when he was playing and give lots of positive attention when he was doing well so he wouldn't need to hit to receive attention from me. I would minimize the attention he gets when he hits as much as possible.

August 12, 2010 11:50 AM 

thesprian said...

Lisa,
My son sounds exactly like yours and we have dealt with it in a similar manner. I always noticed that it was worse if he was over tired or overstimulated. Avoiding the triggers helps but you can't always and they need the opportunity to learn. I would say a firm No, grab his arms and gently rub them on my cheeks (or whoever he was hitting as he sometimes hit his baby brother too) and say gentle several times. He sometimes thought was a fun alternative to hitting but if he didn't comply, he went right to time out. We always used the word time out firmly several times when he was in time out so that he would begin to make that connection and before he got out of time out I would grab his hands and rub them on my face again and say gentle again. I'd also say "are you going to obey?" He's two now and still has some offenses but he immediately shows me gentle and says "Obey". It may take time of consistency.
The problem I am having now is what to do with bedtime discipline issues. Jumping up and down instead of laying down to sleep. He only does this for his naps but I can't put him in timeout before nap, that will only delay naptime!

August 13, 2010 10:38 AM 

Lisa said...

Thanks for the comments. I'm working hard to be consistent and I've taken the advice about the repetition of the words "time out" and also asking "are you going to obey?" when taking him out. I guess time will tell.

August 17, 2010 5:31 PM 

Plowmanators said...

Hi Lisa,

A few ideas:

when you give him to Daddy and he hits Daddy, I would take him back and say, "That is a no. You do not hit." I would then go put him in a playpen to have a time out. Use a timer so if he cries, he sees that the timer, not his crying, gets him out.

Be sure to keep your emotions even. Don't act hurt, mad, or happy. Just be firm but without emotions.

McKenna is 16 months old, and I am positive she would understand that when she hit and went in isolation, it would be because of the hitting.

I would continue to teach him "gently." Do it when he isn't mad. So when you are playing, touch him gently and say, "gently." When he is happily petting the dog, say "gently" and demonstrate gently.

One point on the dog issue, my vet once told me to never discipline a child in front of the dog because you don't want the dog thinking it is okay to get mad at the child--you want the dog to respect the child. I haven't thought much about it, but just thought I would mention it to you. When he hits the dog, I would pick him up and carry him out of the room away from the dog immediately.

I could also post this as a "help a reader out" question if you would like. Let me know if you want me to. If so, I will run it this Saturday.

August 24, 2010 8:42 AM 

Lisa said...

Thanks for the advice. I will also pay attention to not disciplining him in front of the dog. That is actually becoming more and more of a problem everyday (him going after the dog).

It's also okay with me to post this in the "help a reader out" section.

August 24, 2010 11:00 AM 

Commented on: Logical Consequences: Hitting and Biting

Logical Consequences: Hitting and Biting

Our next area of concern for logical consequences can really be a tough one, and one that can spur lots of controversy among parents.

Scenario #4: Hitting and Biting

Hitting and biting, we are still dealing with some of these behaviors on occasion and I can't figure out why. We never spank, our almost 2 year old son is never around other kids that hit, he just gets mad sometimes or thinks it's funny and he will hit or bite.

As a parent, this can be a hard situation to handle. For one thing, no one wants to be the parent with the child who hits or bites other children. You feel bad. I think there are a couple of areas we need to look at here. One is what do we do when this situation occurs. Another is what do we do to prevent this from happening in the future. Let's first take the what to do.

Applying Consequences
Of my three, I have had one hitter. That was Kaitlyn. She only (to my knowledge) ever hit Brayden. He was never an innocent party. But, to me, it doesn't matter how provoked you are to do something; it isn't okay--at least in the realm of the world of what my little toddler was experiencing. I don't care if your brother can be bossy, you don't hit.

As I think through what is being abused in the situation of hitting or biting, it is another person. So for Kaitlyn, if she hit Brayden, she was not allowed to play with him any more. The length of time varied on her age. It wasn't ever longer than until after the next sleep period. This actually worked quite well. Brayden and Kaitlyn like playing with each other, and since Kaitlyn was usually hitting because Brayden was being too bossy and wouldn't let her have a say, it gave him motivation to not be so bossy because he wanted to be able to play with her.

So for me, no matter the age, hitting and biting leads to immediate isolation. The length of time for that is dependent upon the age of the child.

Sweep in immediately and let your child know the behavior was not acceptable. This doesn't mean you have to yell or scream or call him names. None of those actions are good ideas. Empathy can be quite effective, "That is too bad you hit Jimmy! Now we can't play with him anymore today. We will have to go now (or You will have to sit on the chair next to me while the other children play)." But when it comes to certain situations, I would be more firm and less empathetic. Like if Brayden hit one of his sisters or Kaitlyn hit McKenna as a baby. Again, no yelling, but I would be with that child as fast as I am with freshly baked cookies....although I wouldn't look so pleased.

It would be a no-nonsense sweep that would go something like this, "That is a no. You do not hit a baby. You will now go sit on the couch until ______. That is absolutely not okay." And they would know by the look on my face that they had just messed up big time.

I must also point out, though, that you need to always be in tune and take each situation case by case. My blanket thought on how I would react is as I just described, but the one time I was faced with a similar situation, the reaction was quite different. Whatever you do, don't lose your temper. Stay calm--but that doesn't mean you can't be firm.

Preventing
While isolation might serve as a deterrence for hitting and biting, I don't think it will solve it. This is telling your child the behavior is not okay, but I don't think it alone will completely stop the behavior in the future.

So the next step it to try to identify why the child is doing this. Under what circumstances does the child hit or bite? Is it if she doesn't get her way? Is it if he can't communicate what he wants to? Is it really only happening when he is tired?

Try to identify the motivation. I knew for Kaitlyn it was when Brayden was being overbearing in the playing situation. Once you have identified why, you need to figure out how to remove this why from your child's life if possible.

So I first talked to Brayden about it and explained why she was hitting and what he could do about it. I then talked with Kaitlyn about why it wasn't okay to hit. I told her that it hurt people and that it didn't show love. I told her I knew she was hitting because she was mad, but that didn't make it okay. I explained that even if we are very mad, we cannot hit other people.

You can never remove every frustration from the child's life, so you have to teach the child what to do instead of hitting and biting. I think it is also vitally important that you don't make excuses for your child. Don't blame the child's action on another child and don't apologetically tell a parent, "he is just so tired!" You can apologize and have him do the same, but don't be making excuses. That will teach him that his behavior is justifiable and that he is not responsible for it.

Back to teaching the child what to do instead. I instructed Kaitlyn that if Brayden was making her very mad that she should come talk to me about it instead of hitting.

For some people, it won't be as cut and dry as it was with Kaitlyn. She was hitting in isolated instances and only one person. It was an easy mystery to solve. It also helps that she has always been an excellent communicator who is quite eloquent for her age, so she could fill me in on her feelings quite well.

Some of you might have a child who hits or bites seemingly randomly and out of the blue. This will be a harder case to crack. All I can say is to study and pray. Analyze the situation. Maybe even keep a log. He hit Suzie today completely unprovoked. What was the circumstance? How had meals gone? How had sleep gone? Is he getting too much unsupervised time in the day? How long had he been playing with Suzie? Maybe he can only handle interaction with other children for a certain amount of time before he needs a break. Take note of the instances and you will likely see some sort of pattern emerge.

In my experience, hitting or biting usually happens more if 1) the child is tired or hungry 2) the child is overstimulated in some way (this can include too much playtime) 3) the child is trying to communicate and is unable 4) the child is frustrated with another child or person. So to combat these simply, you would 1) keep child well rested and on regular meals 2) keep play times short and activities appropriate 3) help child learn to sign and say simple words 4) try to teach child to control anger while doing what you can to have other children share and play nicely.

This isn't an easy process. You will not solve this in a day, week, or even month. It is going to take time and patience on your part. Today, Kaitlyn does not hit. There are times when she is super frustrated and she screams that blood-curdling scream, which is preferable to hitting, but still not my ultimate solution. So we are still working on everyone. So keep working at it and you will get there.

Related Blog Labels:

• Logical Consequences