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Should You Correct for Attitude?

How to discipline a bad attitude. 

I believe as parents today, we can really waffle on the idea of correcting or disciplining for attitude. No one likes to have a child roll their eyes or grumble whenever an instruction is given. We don't even like it if the bad attitude ensues while the child carries out the instruction. However, we are also told to allow our children to feel emotions and to not suppress them. We don't want to raise emotionally dysfunctional people, so we freeze a bit and think, "Should I allow my child to express these emotions? Should I discipline for feeling these emotions? Should I just be glad my child is doing what I asked, even if she is doing it grudgingly?" Let's discuss.

Should You Correct for Attitude?


Shouldn't We Allow Children to Feel Emotions?
First, let's be clear here. Your child's attitude toward life and your child's emotions aren't necessarily the same thing. We are exploring disciplining for attitude. So say you ask your child to pick up the family room. She does it, but stomps around in anger the entire time. This is different from her coming home from school upset because she had a fight with her friend. 

I think this quote from On Becoming Preteen Wise sums it up perfectly, "...it is not the emotions themselves that get us into trouble, but the manner in which we deal with them."

We need to help our children learn how to respond to emotions correctly. This is why we discipline for attitude. The emotion is not the problem, it is our response to the emotion that is the problem. As adults, we still feel strong emotional reactions to situations. Most adults are able to work through a situation and respond in a mature fashion without having an emotional outburst (unfortunately not all). It isn't about burying nor suppressing emotions. It is about handling emotions in a mature fashion. 

What Do you Mean by Discipline/Correct?
To discipline, according to the my New Oxford American Dictionary, is to punish to correct bad behavior or disobedience. That is the connotation and denotation today. The word discipline originated, according to the dictionary, from Latin and meant "instruction or knowledge." This is the way I tend to look at discipline. Yes, there are at times punishments or consequences that happen, but I start at the root of the word with instruction and knowledge for the child. 

Sometimes as you correct or discipline your child, you will be teaching and imparting knowledge on your child as to why the behavior was not okay and what would have been the right choice. Sometimes, you will be giving time outs to allow your child time to chill out and get the attitude in check. Sometimes you might be removing privileges for the way your child reacted to something. Sometimes, there will be punishments involved. 

Why Do I Want to Correct Attitude?
I have no doubt that there is a sizable portion of the population out there that will disagree with me and say you should never do any correcting nor disciplining over attitude. I am not in that camp. I do think it should be done. I have thought at length about it over the years. I do want my children to be okay with their emotions and I do want them to face emotions rather than bury them. I do think you can maintain both emotional health and controlling emotions. As I quoted above, it isn't the emotion that is the problem, but the response to the emotion that is the problem.


  • I value a good attitude. I do. I think there is a lot of power in being an optimistic and positive person. Guess what? Life can be hard. Life will be hard. Not everything that you face in life is fair or just. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Sometimes other people are mean. Sometimes people abuse authority. Bad and hard things happen to ALL OF US. Our character is based on how we respond to the trials, not which trials we face. I value the ability to have a good attitude even in the face of adversity. That is one reason I want to correct attitude. I want my children to learn that they can control their attitudes. Ask yourself if you want your children to be able to have a positive outlook in the face of negative things going on around them.

  • I believe in self control. I believe we can learn to control ourselves. We can learn to master ourselves. I even believe that we should learn to do these things. That is why I love concepts like Independent Playtime. I do not think we should allow our emotions to be the master of our outward actions. See also Self-Control: A Foundational Virtue

  • I believe we can and should learn the right way to respond. We aren't animals--and even if you wanted to argue that we are merely animals, animals can be taught to control their actions. If a dog can do it, your child can do it. I also believe that people who learn to have a good attitude are happier, more successful adults. Do you like to be around people with good attitudes or bad attitudes? 

  • When we correct for attitude, we help our child develop the habit of having a good attitude. On Becoming PreTeen Wise states, "The more we respond to an emotion in a certain way, the greater the likelihood that it will develop into a habit" (page 26) and "[you] can help establish patterns of right behavior." You become what you think about. If you indulge in a bad attitude, you will be a grumpy person. If you entertain a positive attitude, you will be a positive person Lao Tzu said:

How Can I Correct For Attitude?
I will brush on this here a bit. You don't want to raise children who are adults who ignore their emotions in order to deal with them. It isn't about not having emotions. You can raise children who have even tempered emotions. It will be more natural for some than others, but you don't have to get your feelings hurt over everything. Not everything requires a strong emotional response in life. You can look for the good in others and assume the best about other people's intentions. 

When your child has a bad attitude and your are correcting or even punishing for it, make it clear that the emotion is not the problem, but the way your child chose to act when feeling that emotion. Some people have a shorter fuse than others, but that doesn't mean those with short fuses get to run around being jerks to everyone. 

If you have a child who tends to be pessimistic, work with that child to see the good in life. We have a child who is naturally pessimistic and one who is the extreme opposite and endlessly optimistic. I get that there is a natural disposition to work with. Work on it! You can make headway and your child can learn to see things in a positive light.

As in all things, always remember the power of your example. See also More is Caught Than Taught, It Starts With You,  and Be a Good Sheep. If you are positive and have a good attitude, your children will have an easier time doing the same. I am a very, very chill person. My dad is the same way. His dad is the same way. His dad was the same way...I have generations of people who were highly defined in their histories by their calm, relaxed, positive demeanor. Is there something in our genetics? I don't know. I believe a strong part of it is that we had a parent who was an example to us. See You Teach What You Are. And always remember to use Encouragement as Discipline. 


With little ones, you can often prevent a tantrum from happening by your attitude. Last night when we told Brinley it was time to come inside for bedtime, she screamed, "No!" and started to whimper and back up. I threw my hands in the air and declared, "Yay! Bedtime hurray I love bedtime!" and started running (toddler speed) to the house. She followed me, cheering all the way in. You have a powerful influence over the way your children respond to situations.

When choosing consequences for poor behavior, look to logical and natural consequences. Maybe your child needs some time alone. Maybe your child needs to have a break from a fun activity if a huge fit was thrown when it was time to end (when Brayden, now 9, was 3, he played Mario Kart for his first time. When I told him it was time to turn it off, he got mad and threw the controller on the ground. He lost the privilege to play for a week. He was literally on his knees, hands clasped together pleading to not have the punishment. The punishment stuck, and he has never thrown a controller again to this day). If your child has a bad attitude about the length of his chore list, maybe he needs a longer one. 

Sometimes, it will be appropriate to simply talk about why a behavior was not okay. This is especially true when your child gets to be school-aged. With initial offenses, you can often talk about why it wasn't okay and the moral and social implications. You can talk about why it is important to have a good attitude and that it might be something to work on. 

Teach your children that if they feel themselves starting to lose control, they can remove themselves a regain control. You can do hand-folding or going to a space alone for a time. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from situations or channel our energy elsewhere. See Hand Folding: Establishing Self-Control.

And remember, Actions Precede Beliefs, so that is why requiring, "Yes Mom" is a great tool for having a good attitude. I have even required, "Yes Mommy, I would love to!" if they are started to be grumpy. Sometimes saying they would love to do something is so ridiculous that it makes them giggle and their mood is changed. 

Conclusion
I hope I have convinced you that it is okay to correct and even discipline for attitude. You can be a positive person who is still emotionally healthy. Being positive in our attitude isn't necessarily something that comes naturally to all of us. What a gift you will give your children if they are able to be positive adults! What a gift to society! What a gift to your future grandchildren! It is worth the effort.

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Self-Control: A Foundational Virtue



Sometimes, training our children, from baby to older child (and I am sure pre-teen and teen) is exhausting. Sometimes it seems it would just be easier to just sit back, relax, and see where the chips land and go from there in a year or two. Why all the effort? Why all the work?

"Self-control is a foundational virtue, meaning other virtues are dependent on it" (On Becoming Babywise II, page 22). I definitely believe this. I have long been taught the importance of self-control, but now that I am the mom of a 5.5 year old, I can really watch the effects of self-control taking place. "Self-control influences kindness, gentleness, proper speech, controlling negative emotions, concentrating, focusing, sitting skills and many other behaviors" (page 22).

Self-control influences kindness. How does it do this? For one thing, self-control allows you to filter what comes into your head. Kindness is definitely something some people lack, and I am sure a lot of it comes from a lack of ability to control what they think. 

Of course, I strive for a higher law than simply controlling my words--I want to control my thoughts, too. Perfect? No. I think unkind things about people sometimes. So the next step is to learn to control our thoughts. We push those unkind thoughts out of our heads and replace them with kind thoughts. 

Self-control also helps with kindness in the world of sharing. We control our selfishness and think of others.

What about gentleness. If you have a hitter or a biter, have you ever considered your child's ability to have self-control? Are there things you could do to help your child learn to control herself--to not act on that impulse to hit another person?

This can be helpful with positive emotions, too. Perhaps your child is very excited to see a puppy or a baby. A child with self-control is better equipped to be "gentle and soft" with the young thing. 

What about concentrating? Does your mind ever wander? Is it hard to stay focused when reading something "boring"? 

It all comes down to controlling yourself. YOU choose your emotions. YOU choose your actions. YOU choose your perceptions. You are free to act--you don't have to be acted upon. You are not the victim of your surroundings. A person with self-control knows this and recognizes this. You don't have to be angry. You don't have the right to be unkind. You are stronger than your emotions. You can find something to be of interest. 

But it isn't easy, is it! I am positive you saw something in that list that you find difficult. 

So why do we put the effort in now?

To help our children better master self-control throughout their lives. Teaching that baby to control her impulse to spit food all over your face helps her to better control her desire to crack a joke about another person down the road. She learns it is okay to spit in the tub, but not at the table. She learns to control herself. She learns to think about what is appropriate when. She learns that entertaining herself is not all that should drive her behavior.

These early steps are small, but they greatly aid in the development of self-control. 

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Immediate Happiness Is Not The End Goal


Hmmm....strange title. What do I mean happiness is not the end goal? Oh, I am glad you asked. Let me elaborate.

"...childrearing gets reduced to avoidance of all negative emotions and pursuit of positive ones. Right and wrong training is measured by how parents think their child feels, rather than by the end product--what is best for the child...That approach is not healthy for children, families, or society in general." Bucknam, Baby Wise Book Two page 9.
Do you want your child to be happy? I do. Of course we all do. We want to be happy and we want our children to be happy.

Are there times your child might need to be unhappy? Definitely yes. I know that as parents, we have this urge to protect them from all pain, disappointment, fear, sadness, etc. But is doing so really best for the child long-term? Bucknam says no, and I agree. Let's look at some examples.

We were outside yesterday enjoying the weather. McKenna wanted to put rocks in her mouth. If the rock was large enough that it couldn't actually fit in her mouth, it really wouldn't bother me. A little dirt won't hurt her. But they were small rocks--perfect for choking on. She wasn't happy about it, but I didn't allow her to put the rocks in her mouth. You know what else? After she had put a rock in, I told her to spit it out and she did.

Do you think she spit out the rock, despite it making her unhappy, because she is a naturally compliant person who does whatever I tell her to? If you have read this blog you certainly know that is not the case. I have had to work with her on this. She has cried over me not allowing things in her mouth. If my end-goal here was happiness, then we wouldn't be at a point where she would take it back out after I told her to.

McKenna also really wanted to crawl on the cement. Well, that isn't great on skin, plus she has eczema,, so it produces double problems. I didn't allow her to crawl on the cement. Was she happy? No. Some moms may have put her back down when she let out a little cry and tried her best to leap from her arms to crawl on the cement. But my goal isn't to make her happy. My goal in that instance is to keep her skin protected. I allowed her to crawl on the grass, just not the cement.

Those are a couple of easy examples to follow me on. These are issues of safety, and most parents are fine with hearing a little crying in order to keep the child safe.

These situations are a lot easier to deal with if you have worked with your child to develop self-control.

"Children who have internal self-control and master of the "please and thank yous" of life also have the self-control that will help them secure a healthy academic and relational life." (page 10)

So let's take this example. Your child does not want to sit in her high chair for meals. At all. She would much rather sit on your lap. This isn't particularly what you want to happen. It is much easier for you to eat with her in her high chair. But you figure there is no harm in her sitting on your lap and you don't want to listen to her cry.

McKenna made an attempt at this. She wanted to sit in Daddy's lap instead of her high chair. She ate fine at breakfast and lunch, but at dinner when Daddy was around, she fussed and stared Daddy down in only the way a little girl can look at her Daddy to produce results. My husband did this for a couple of evenings before we decided he needed to stop it (by "we" I mean "I"--and my husband agreed because he couldn't really eat this way, but he is a big softie :) ). McKenna needed to sit in her chair to eat. You know what? She did great. She gave a little fussing at first, but then she ate right on when she saw we wouldn't change our minds. She still gets plenty of time sitting in Daddy's lap and Daddy still shares his food with her. And now? Now the whole family eats dinner happily and peacefully.

"The self-control that keeps a child sitting in a highchair without fighting with mom is the same self-control that will later keep him at a desk with a book in his hand." (page 10)

Yes, these little things will pay off in a big way later on in life. Eating dinner with your baby on your lap can be awkward, but the act in and of itself isn't harmful. However, the act of not teaching your child to sit where she is told can be harmful.

Think of your own life. Are you always happy? I doubt it. Do you really want to buy a new car, but can't afford it? If your driving motivation is to "be happy" and you lack self-control, you might buy it anyway. But then what? What about over time as you pay that car payment--the payment you can't afford? Are you still going to be happy? Or will you be stressed and worried about finances?

Now what if you instead decided to save some money for a year or two until you could afford it? Or maybe you buy a used car instead with a more manageable price tag. Now you can enjoy the car because you don't have this huge debt hanging over your head. Did that take self-control? Yes. Did that take telling your inner spoiled self to be patient or to accept something less flashy? Yes.

Self-control produces real happiness that lasts long-term. Teaching your baby to not spit during a meal, to sit in her high chair, to not put rocks in her mouth, to play independently, to sit on the blanket and stay there when told, etc. all lead to her developing self-control.

Is she sometimes unhappy about it? You bet. But these skills will come in handy, and on that day, both mom and baby will be truly happy. Real happiness is not achieved by entertaining every whim and desire. It comes through careful thought and self-control. Keep this in mind as you work with your little one to obey you and control herself. Being a parent means sometimes you do things that make your child upset. The day will come you look back at it and thank yourself for doing what was best for her long-term. She might even thank you someday when she is 20-something :)

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Reader Discipline Questions

Public Behavior
  • elle said...
    i went out last weekend wif my girlfriends. each of us bringing our chlid. my daughter is 14 months old and is a very active child. she cudnt even sit still, not for one seconds. since we were having drinks, i put her in her high chair and she started making noises wanting to go down. there she were climbing and walking aroud wif me eyeeing her. somehow my friend commented and it sounds like my child is not well behaved since she is roaming around compared to her son who is 2 yrs old and another one 15 months who is happily playing wif the toys and sitting on the high chair. well, i though eahc child is different. since mine is only 14 month old and she has just start walking, i dont think that just because of her roaming around and cudnt keep still on the high chair, that was considered as not behaved. any comments?
    Plowmanators said...
    Elle, This is hard to say. In many ways it is normal, especially for a new walker. All new walkers want to do is walk. Either way, walking around in a restaurant is not something I would allow long-term. This may have been a situation where it was an exception to do this. My son was also very active as a baby (and still is). I wouldn't ever let him get down in a restaurant no matter how much he wanted to. Now at 3, he never asks. So just remember that what you do now teaches him what he can do later in life, and while a 14 month old might be cute to other patrons, a wandering three year old will not quite draw the same reaction.
    elle said...
    so what do i do if i put my 15 months old on the high chair, n yet after a few minutes she gets bored and cries because she wanna goes down and walked around? suhd i just let her cry or put her down? i usually give her food to enjoy while we eat or sometimes toys for her to play wif but later i found out she just love throwing the toys and seeing me pick it up. im a first time mother and i believe i have yet, lots more to learn.thanx.
    Plowmanators said...
    This would be something I would practice at home, not the restaurant. You have to remember others; you don't want to ruin their restaurant experience to train your daughter. Work with her at home. Put her in the high chair with food. At this age, she should be eating with the family for most meals (maybe not dinner if you eat "late"). Give her finger foods. Once she is done with that, give her toys and books to play with. Rotate them. Don't play the pick up a million times game with her. Have practice sessions with her in the high chair where she has to sit for X number of minutes. Start with 5 and set a time. Give her the food or toys. She can get out only when the timer goes off, not with the amount of crying she does. It will take some time and practice, but you can get her there. Good luck!
Punishment
  • ProudMum said...
    Whenever u discussed about discipline and tantrums and obedience, u never mention of punsishment. Does babywise says that not to punsih at all ?
    July 25, 2008 10:33 AM
     
    Plowmanators said...
    Proudmum,Your baby is too young for punishment. There are "punishments" mentioned in Babywise, but they are in the forms of removing baby from the situation, for older babies some isolation, etc. Most discipline as younger ages are really redirection. But at 5 months your baby is not in need of any punishment. Just direction.
    July 28, 2008 11:31 AM
     
    ProudMum said...
    Hello Val, Ofcourse five months is not for punishment. I was just asking in general that how Babywise or toddlerwise philosophy deals with punishments.
    July 29, 2008 3:22 AM
     
    Plowmanators said...
    Proudmum, Always good to look to the future. There are several posts on this blog about discipline. If you go to the blog index and look under discipline, you will see several posts that discuss babywise, toddlerwise, and childwise strategies.
    July 30, 2008 3:12 PM
Self Control

 
Toddlers
  • Christie said...
    my daughter is now 14 months and for the past month she has not been listening as well, when I lay her down for a nap she screams and when I pick her up she stops, and she now hates playpen time,something she used to love. I love Babywise and up until now she has been like clockwork with the program. Now that she is walking, should I move to roomtime instead of playpen time? Her naps have been short to none at all for the past month. Thanks for your advice!!
    September 11, 2008 11:34 AM
    Plowmanators said...
    Christie, I would do roomtime now. Also, go to the blog index and look through posts under "Discipline" and "Naps" and "Sleep Problems."
    September 15, 2008 6:48 PM
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Hand Folding: Establishing Self-Control

source
In Toddlerwise, it talks about the idea of hand folding. This is referred to as self-control training with hands. "When you begin to see those early signs that your kids are going to lose it, physically or verbally, instruct them to fold their hands and work on getting some self-control" (p. 157).

I must admit, when I first read that I thought, "Right. Have you ever met my little guy? He is such a bundle of energy. He can't even sit still to watch a TV show." I know. I doubted. I doubted even though it specifically mentions this is good for those "movers and shakers." Plus, the book refers to this situation in regards to two-and-a-half or older. So, I decided to wait to implement the idea.

Then, it sort of just happened. We were out swimming last summer. Brayden was barely two years old. My husband and he were waiting in line for a water slide. My husband was a bit concerned because really in Brayden's life he doesn't need to wait long for much. Naturally he needs to more now that he has a younger sister, but at the time she was two months old and he wasn't really aware of the fact that this new phase was permanent. So my husband explained to him that he needed to wait his turn because all of the people in front of him were first and got to take their turn before he did. My husband suggested they fold their arms to wait.

So they did, and Brayden became a hand folder. Well, arm folder. I often find that when I tell him he needs to wait for something, he will nod resolutely and fold his arms and wait. He gets it. He has skills to cope with the need to wait. Let's be honest, nobody likes to wait. Have you ever noticed how grown adults think they need to be ahead of everyone else in lines? The majority of people think whatever they have going on is far more important than what anyone else has going on. We cut each other off in traffic. We get very agitated when kept waiting in the doctors office. I could go on.

The skills to patiently wait are not only beneficial for your child as a toddler, but for the rest of his life. If he can patiently wait now, then imagine how amiable he will be as an adult! Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go teach myself to fold my arms and wait.
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