Implementing You Parenting Plan

Back in June, we talked about the steps to creating a parenting plan (and why you want to do so). This time, we will talk about implementing the plan. These ideas are taken from the book The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack.

Step One: No guilt (page 31).

Boyack's first requirement is that you Dump the Guilt. No matter the age of your child, if the child is still living with you, you can implement this plan.

Step Two: Time it right (page 43)

You want to start implementing the plan at a good time of year. For school-aged children, this is often around New Years or the beginning of summer. September can be bad because there is a lot of "new" already happening.

For younger children, it doesn't matter too much when you start.

Step Three: Family meeting (page 31)

With babies and toddlers, the family meeting can be just with your spouse. This will just be a way of life for your children if you start young.

If you have preschoolers or older, you will want the entire family involved. First, tell the children what you will be doing. 

Next, talk about why you are doing this plan. Why is always helpful with the children. "It is interesting that when you explain to your children the why of things, you can get tremendous buy-in" (page 32). Keep the description on the child's level of understanding.

Next, go through the list. For older children, you can point out what they already know and have accomplished. 

Finally, get the children's input, if old enough, on what they want to learn to do and work on. Add it to their list. 

Step Four: Create a time table (page 43)

Write down on your calendar when you plan to start training the child to do the tasks. Create a routine in when you will train (you need to train the child to do the task before you hand the task over and expect the child to do it alone). 

Step Five: Vary who does the training (page 43)

Your child will need to be trained. It can be mom, dad, neighbor, grandma, older sibling...it is fun for kids to get training from various people. 

Step Six: Vary the tracking methods (page 43)

You might track progress on the computer, sticker chart, a list you cross off, your phone...just like with chore charts, tracking charts will be best used when you mix it up over time.

Step Seven: Increase freedoms/privileges as tasks are passed off (page 44)

This is especially true for the older children like teenagers. Boyack points out that if your child wants to do a task like start babysitting, you can require skills like basic first aid, making phone calls, knowing how to contact authorities, CPR, and fix simple meals. Once the necessary skills are passed off for a certain freedom your child wants, that freedom can then be available to the child. Does your younger child want a dog? What sorts of skills does your child need to demonstrate first? 

But be careful--"...don't push this so far that they give up altogether" (page 44)--don't put so many requirements in the way that the child decides it isn't worth the effort.

Step Eight: Use rewards appropriately (page 45)

You can offer certain rewards to work toward for passing off a certain number of goals. A date out for ice cream, a trip to the pool...or maybe you tell them they can have their own apron when they learn to do XYZ in the kitchen.

Points to Remember

1- "...kids want to be taken seriously...They want their lives and their abilities to be respected." (page 46)

2- "...implementing The Plan is harder and more work for Mom and Dad." (page 46)

3- "Just keep that end goal in mind" (page 46)

John Rosemond said, in Daily Guide to Parenting, "Self-sufficiency is the yardstick of self-esteem. The road to self-sufficiency is paved with frustration, disappointment, failure, falling flat on one's face, and other equally 'unhappy' experiences. We cannot afford to deny children these things."

This is a broad view on how to implement. I think one of the most crucial parts to implementing is the actual training, so next time we will look in depth on how your help your child achieve these goals.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Parenting Breakthrough
• chores 

How to Create the Perfect Parenting Plan

How to Create the Perfect Parenting Plan

I am not much of a spontaneous person. I like to plan things out and have a road-map. That is why when I first read about creating a plan for my parenting journey, I was all over that!

In The Parenting Breakthrough (affiliate link), Merrilee Boyack talks about this strange phenomenon that seems to happen with most parents. We fail to make a parenting plan. We plan for so much in life: education, careers, homes, cleaning, meals, weight loss...but many or most of us do not sit down and put the same planning and thought into the long-term goals we have for our children how we are going to raise our children to get there.

I think most if not all of you readers are probably exceptions to this generality. We all at least have good short-term goals. We have goals of healthy sleep, learning to play independently, obedience, and moral values. Boyack really takes it a step further and makes it a long-term vision that is then broken down into smaller steps to achieve that goal--and she includes a lot on work ethic and becoming self-sufficient.

About two years ago, I started describing this process.

You start with making a simple list of goals you have for your children.

Here is my list of lifetime goals.

How to Create a Parenting Plan

Now, let's discuss the steps to creating your own plan.

Step One: Start with the end in mind (page 24)

Boyack suggests you think back to when you moved out of the house. What could you do? What could you not do? I knew some people in college who left home not knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, manage money, check the oil in the car, etc. You know, my opinion is it is our job as parents to teach our children how to do these things. Not easy. It means you have to let your young kids help around the house and later require the older children to help. Both can be difficult. 

I think we all agree these are things children need to know how to do if they are expected to leave the home and take care of themselves. If we don't teach them, as Boyack points out, "Who" do we expect to teach our children, and "When" do we expect them to learn?

It isn't like parents don't train their children out of spite or because they are neglectful. They often think they are doing a huge favor by not making their kids worry about such things. With younger kids, they often don't want the hassle of having the "help"--because for a long time, it is much easier to do it yourself than to have "help."

I have always let my kids "help" me, and let me assure you, the day does come when "help" turns to help and then to help! Help! with glee! Brayden (7) and Kaitlyn (5) are both at least a help. Brayden is often help with glee! Real, true help to me. Let me give you three great examples from just the last two days.

Yesterday we were at the store looking at the cleaners. Brayden says, "Oh mom, we need some more floor cleaner for the bathrooms. It is almost all gone." A mom at the other end of the aisle walks down the aisle for no reason other than to say, "Wow, they are cute. Do they actually help clean the floors, too?" This mom, by my judgement, was about 5-10 years older than I am. I replied, "Yes. We actually just cleaned bathrooms this morning so that is why he knows the status of the cleaner." She said, "That is impressive! I wish I could get my boys to clean!" I smiled, but of course thought it was a strange wish. It isn't like my kids clean because of any reason other than I let them "help" and now make sure they help. Although they do get such satisfaction for helping that they often take initiative themselves.

This also happened yesterday. We got home from the store and brought in the groceries. McKenna was late for her nap, so I took her to her room and put her down. When I got back to the kitchen, Brayden and Kaitlyn had put away all of the groceries without me having ever asked or hinted for them to do so. They just did it. 

This morning, Brayden and Kaitlyn swept the entire kitchen and great room without me asking or hinting. 

Brayden, yes, seems to love to clean and always has. He may be an easy case to produce such results. Kaitlyn, however, has always hated to clean. Even as short as six months ago, she would often sneakily disappear when it was cleaning time and hide somewhere with a book or two. She even did this at preschool. I really put my focus into getting her to find some enjoyment in cleaning and helping and she has really come around and is a real help now, so it can be done even with those that hate it.

So, in thinking through the end in mind, you make a list as described in this post: You start with making a simple list of goals you have for your children.

Step Two: Make a list of everything your child will need to learn (page 26)

Once you know your overall end goals based on your list of goals, you make a list of "every task [you can] think of that your children need to be able to do to get to the end goal of independence" (page 26). 

Don't forget spiritual goals, academic goals, physical goals, chore goals...there are a lot of categories.

Step Three: Assign ages to the tasks (page 26-27)

You have your list, now you need to know when to focus on each task. I started a list here. What I do is around my child's birthday, I look at my list and see the things he/she should be able to do now. So when the child turns 3, I look at my goals for age 2 and make sure she met those. If not, we make sure to work on them.

Then I look through the goals for age 3 and break down sub-goals to reach those. 

Boyack points out that you should "Keep in mind that every child is different. Some learn things faster and are more motivated" (page 27). So you want to make a plan, but keep it flexible not only in general but also specifically from child to child. All of your children will not necessarily be able to do the same things at the same ages. 

Also, it is nice to get ideas from others, but realize you will vary on things. One example is pulling weeds. Boyack lists that for a 7 year old. I start having my kids pull weeds at age three. By age 7, I more than expect that I could send the child out to any given area and things could be weeded well and without supervision--and maybe that is what she meant by age 7 because I stay right by the 3 year old for sure. I don't want my corn getting pulled out in the name of weeding :).

There are lots of things to think through. What age do you think make-up use is appropriate? What age do you think a child can start babysitting? Things like those topics are helpful to have in mind years in advance--not only for informing the child (because they will ask years in advance) but also to do the little things to train to be ready to start using/doing those things at appropriate ages.

The next time we discuss this, we will go through the steps in implementing your plan. For now, just make your plan. That should be enough to get you through the next few months before we visit this topic again.

3 Reasons YOU Get To Be In Charge

Following the Leader

There is definitely some trepidation in society from parents on taking the leadership role as parents. I am not really sure why that is. I don't know what led us to this point. Part of it, I am sure, springs forth from the idea of "child-centered" parenting. Putting the child's needs before the parent's or family's on a consistent basis can kind of make you a bit hesitant to step up and take charge as a parent (you might hurt the child's feelings if you do that).

In The Parenting Breakthrough, Merrilee Boyack's third principle is: Remember that we are the parents and we are in charge (page 19). 

Simple right? Makes sense? And yet we hesitate. Part of me can see why. I remember my mom when she was my age. She had me young enough that I was old enough to really remember her and her parenting. I don't know what she was feeling inside, but she definitely seemed perfectly confident in her parenting decisions. I honestly don't feel that confident. Perhaps the world of our children is much, much different than our world was at that age. The difference between my life as a 6 year old and Brayden's life as a 6 year old are quite different. 

Brayden lives in a world of technology. He also lives in a world of danger. When I was 6, it wasn't even a law that I had to wear a seat belt. Brayden not only needs a seat belt, but a booster seat to go with it. He lives in a world where it isn't safe to just wander the neighborhood. I wandered all over the place when I was six. 

For my mom and I, however, our worlds were pretty similar as six year olds. Sure, cars were a bit better and VCRs were about to come out, but I watched a black and white television as a six year old just like my mom did. No microwave, just like my mom. Life was very similar. 

Despite the differences in our worlds, we are still the parents, and I believe that means we not only "get" to be in charge, but that we "must" be in charge. It is our DUTY to raise our children. If we neglect that duty, we will have to answer for it. 

And it isn't always easy. As Boyack points out, "As parents, we have to be willing to experience frustration, lack of cooperation, and challenges to our patience and certainly our sanity, all without giving in!" (page 21).

If you are feeling a lack of confidence in you being in charge, Boyack offers three reasons.

NUMBER ONE: YOU'RE A LOT OLDER!

You have more experience and more intelligence than your children do. Boyack points out that your children won't believe that and won't accept it, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. I remember not realizing how smart my parents were really until I moved out of the house. That is the moment you suddenly appreciate all they did for you. Then you have your own children and appreciate them even more.

NUMBER TWO: YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN

Boyack points out that you don't wake up in the morning with the desire to be a bad parent. Each day, you want to do the best you can. You are trying your best, and that is fabulous.

NUMBER THREE: YOU"RE ENTITLED TO DIVINE DIRECTION

The Lord has entrusted you to take care of these children, and He will help you do so. You can pray for direction, and you can get direction. Maintain your humility in this and it will take you far.

There you have three great reasons you should be in charge, not your child. Face this responsibility with confidence (while remembering humility) and you can guide your child in the direction he or she needs to go.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Parenting Breakthrough
• parenting

Work: More than Economic Value

image source--a great article on work

Work, work, work. A lot of our efforts as a society seem to go into finding ways to reduce the work we have to do--either by eliminating it or by making it easier. Oh yes, I love my inventions that have come as a result. Thank you dishwasher inventor. Thank you to the evolution of the washing machine. I can't say enough good for my iRobot Roomba. I am waiting for someone to invent my iRobot Folda for my laundry!

Or am I?

Sure...if it is just me doing work around my house I would love a folda. It isn't just me, however. Nor is it just my husband and me. We have three little people in our home we are in charge of raising, and I think work is an essential part of our raising plan.

"People who see only the economic value  of family work miss what some call the 'Invisible Household Production'--the potential of family work to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities" (The Parenting Breakthrough page 18). 

I was reflecting on why I love this above quote so much. Why is it I value hard work so much and believe it does more than just "get things done." Sure, I like a clean house, but I can get a clean house in a lot of easier ways than involve my children in the process. And if it was just about a clean house, I could even hire out the cleaning. It isn't about the end product--the economic value. It is about what children learn along the way. Here is my short list for why I work with my children:

1. Help them learn how to do these things--achieve independence

2. Spend time together 

3. Stay out of trouble

4. Learn that things of value take effort

Learn How

One basic reason I work with my children is so they learn how to do work. Some day, they will move out of my house and into their own residence. They need to know how to take care of their home--and they need to know how to do it frugally. Yes, I could pay someone to come clean my house, but how long (if ever) will it take my child to get to that point financially? 

Yes, I have my iRobot Roomba, but you know what? As much as I adore that thing, we mostly sweep. Why? Because I think my children should learn how to sweep. So each night after dinner, two members of the family sweep the floor. 

Basics. I want my children to be able to do these things for themselves. I don't want them leaving my home unsure how to get their own home clean.

Spend Time Together

I have noticed that the more quantity time I spend with Brayden in a row, the more he talks to me about things that are of importance to him--things of his heart. We have three bathrooms. When I have Brayden help me clean bathrooms, it isn't until the third bathroom that our conversation turns to something of more substance. I just have to spend that time with him and wait for him to be ready to talk about it. 

I fully plan to wash dishes side by side with my children if I feel like they need some talking.

There is a theory in the study of communication...I can't remember the name off the top of my head. Some day I will have a post just on that alone. The theory states that people communicate more openly if they are focused on a task. It is like a triangle. You, the other person, and your task. A person is more comfortable talking about things when there is something else to focus on while you are doing it. This seems to be especially true for males. 

This is why work is so valuable. As you work, you think. As you work side by side with your child, those thoughts will come to the forefront of the conversation. 

Stay Out of Trouble

The Parenting Breakthrough quotes the old saying, "An idle mind is the devil's workshop" (page 18). That is what reminded me of this good reason for including work in your child's life. I kind of think the old saying says it all.

Learn About Value of Work

It seems to me that anything of value in life takes work. Anything that comes the easy way is hardly worth your time. A good marriage takes work. Bearing children takes work. Raising children takes work. Saving money takes work. 

When we work for something, we appreciate it more. When we work for something, we take better care of it. When we work for something, we understand how much work other people put in to doing things for us. As my children get older and are able to do different chores, I see that they take better care of the house in general. They put more effort into keeping things nice because they know what it takes to get it that way. 

I believe it is important to know that in life, you have to work for what you want. I think working around the home helps a person understand that concept better than if he did not work around the home.

Conclusion

I have to point out, because I know someone who hates Babywise will run from this post with this idea, that I am not saying we need to work all.the.time. I am saying work has its value, and that value is not only in what it actually gets done. Children learn a lot from work, and we learn a lot while working with our children. It definitely takes work to teach your children to work, but just like anything else of value, the payout will be well worth your efforts. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Book Review: The Parenting Breakthrough
• Dump The Guilt: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/06/dump-guilt.html
• The Ever-Changing Child
• "I Do It Myself!"
• Parenting Tip #1: Never Say Never
• Purposes of Parenting
• The All-Important "Why"
• Chores
• Chore Cards
• Chore Jar
• Creating a "Good Helper"
• Let's Make a Plan: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/02/lets-make-plan.html
• Making Work Fun
• Our Family Plan: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/04/our-family-plan.html
• Parenting Lesson from The Biggest Loser
• Work and Responsibility
• Parenting breakthrough
• chores
• work
• work ethic

"I Do It Myself!"

image source

"I do it myself!" Recognize that phrase? You must have or previously had a two year old living in your home.

When Brayden hit this phase, I admit I was impatient with it. I didn't want to be slowed down, and most of the time it really made life with a newborn (Kaitlyn) a lot more difficult. Trying to help Brayden do something while she was crying and him insisting on doing it himself stressed me a bit. 

I don't know if I am older, wiser, and/or just less stressed sans newborn, but I have no problem letting McKenna "do it." And you know what? She is at the point where 95% of the time she does it and does it pretty quickly. 

I was reading through The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack. On page 15, she quotes John Rosemond, "If you are so determined, you can indeed keep a child happy for eighteen years. In the process, you will surely destroy the child's self-esteem. Why? Because self-esteem is reflected in the child's belief that 'I can do it myself!' " 

Encouraging our children to do it and standing back while they do so is a great way to not only help the child learn to do it herself (afterall, how will she learn if she doesn't try?), but it will also help build her self-confidence. 

Boyack also quotes Ann Landers: "In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings" (page 17). Boyack also says, "Our children will get their best feelings of self-confidence from being independent and capable" (page 17). 

I know. I know. Waiting for five minutes while your toddler climbs into the car "herself" and another five while she does her best to buckle "herself" in causes a bit of stress. You have somewhere to be and your toddler slows you down significantly, from pants, to shoes, to walking, to buckling. 

Here is a simple tip. You need to add toddler time to your time allotment for getting out of the house. You thought adding a baby to your life made getting out slower, ha! Adding a toddler adds even more because of all of the things she must do herself. 

What you need to do is factor in those things and add that time. You used to need to start getting shoes on 10 minutes before you walked out the door. Now you might need 20.  This is a moment to practice your patience. I promise it pays off. Letting her practice each and every time enables her to learn how to do it herself. Then when she is four, she will be doing all of those things herself instead of still needing your help. 

Allowing your toddler to do it herself will help build her skills and her confidence. She will have confidence in her abilities in a rightful way. She will know her abilities and her limitations. She will have a realistic and positive self-concept, along with the will to try, try again until she gets it right. 

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• Parenting breakthrough
• self-esteem
• toddlers

Purposes of Parenting

In The Parenting Breakthrough, Boyack talks about three main purposes of parenting.

Health and Safety of Children

It is our job to care for the physical well-being of our children. We feed them. We give them healthy food and try to teach them to like healthy foods. We give them a place to sleep. Many of us work to teach our children good sleeping habits. We give them clothes. 

We take them to the doctor and to the dentist. We teach them to wash their hands. We teach them how to safely interact with strangers and people they know. We buckle them up in their car seats and keep them off of high surfaces.

Values Education

This is the next step. The first purpose is kind of enough on its own, right? That is a lot of things to do. 

Then we add the values education. We teach our children values and character traits we view important. We teach them about God. We help them develop virtues. We teach them how to be kind to others and be good friends.

Another huge category.

Training Children to be Independent Adults

I think this one is the hardest of all. Most parents I know do a great job of category one and two. This third category is hard to do. This involves teaching children how to work, which means we go through years of training how to work, followed by years of "encouraging" work--the whole thing is a lot of work for parents. There is also teaching about finanancial stability.

This category requires a lot of what seems to be hands-off parenting. It requires you to allow your children to feel the consequences for actions as discussed in the Love & Logic books. It requires you to stand away with your hands behind your back while your child makes his bed. It means that you will give your child a task, teach him about it, and then trust him to do it. 

As Boyack says, you "teach them well and then boot them out" (page 8).

As John Rosemond put it, "The ultimate goal of raising children is to help them out of our lives and into successful lives of their own" (John Rosemond's Guide to Parenting).

This third category is really what this entire book is all about. How to go about achieving this goal.

But let's be honest, as we are raising these children, it really is easier to do things ourselves, right? In order to have a teenage boy who makes his bed on his own, I need to have taught him how to make his bed at some point. When that point comes, while he is learning, will he do it as well as I do? Of course not! 

When I had 3 year old Brayden vacuum a room, did he miss a lot of spots? For sure. Did he take four times as long to do a job? Painfully so.

"The real problem with doing everything ourselves is that we end up always doing everything ourselves. And our children don't grow up; they just get bigger" (page 10). 

Do you know what happens after a while? Well, four year old Brayden could vacuum a room well. He still took four times longer than I did, but he did it well. Five  year old Brayden can vacuum a room well and do it only twice as long as I can. And  he can do it independently enough that I can have him vacuum a room while I clean up the next room to be vacuumed. 

"...we end up always doing everything ourselves..."--I am a person who can easily see 20 steps ahead of myself to see what consequences come from my actions. I knew I wanted children who knew how to work, so I taught them to work. It wasn't hard; their father and I are hard workers. Children like to emulate parents and love to spend time with parents. They work with us.

My mother-in-law gave me a great gift. She gave me a husband who can work. I want to give my future daughter-in-law that gift. I want my future sons-in-law to have the same gift. I want my grandchildren to have parents who are hardworking and good examples. 

You know what else? I want some help from these kids. I want to be able to give them jobs around the house and lighten my load. I want to make them peel all of the potatoes when it is dinner time like my mom made me. Then when they move out, I might be like my mother-in-law and only make mashed potatoes with skins on because I really never did like peeling potatoes anyway. 

If they are contributing to the mess around here, I want them helping to clean it up. 

I want my kids moving out of the house knowing how to clean, cook, and do laundry. They don't need to be experts or gourmet--my husband knows I am a million times better of a cook today than the day we got married. I do, however, want them to be capable. I want them to be able to cook a meal with some confidence. I want them to know how to clean a toilet and how to sort laundry. 

That means I need to teach them now, even though in many ways it is painfully slow. But it improves surprisingly quickly. I love that I can tell five year old Brayden to go clean up all of the toys in his room and he does so without supervision. It gives me the will to continue working with my girls to get to the same place.

You can do it! It all sounds more complicated than it is. Most of you probably have correct instincts. Do things the right way rather than the easy way, and you will soon find out that in the long run, the right way was the easy way after all.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• chores
• parenting
• Parenting breakthrough
• Teach Your Child Independence :http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/04/teach-your-child-independence.html

The Ever-Changing Child

"...not only am I coping with different kids, but they change every year and even minute by minute sometimes. It's like waking up every day and finding a new computer on your desk. How are you supposed to keep up with that?" The Parenting Breakthrough, page 7.

Chapter two in The Parenting Breakthrough is all about the importance of "why" and not just "how." I loved the way she put that: it's like waking up to find a new computer on your desk each day. 

Change is hard, right? Whenever a website redesigns, you will find people upset about it. This is especially true of social networking sites. The other day, I rearranged my living room, and while the kids were excited, my husband and neighbors were all resistant to it, and only accepting once I assured them it was a short-term change (I needed a change of scenery for winter). Change can be hard.

So no wonder we find the change in our children hard. Like the Baby Whisperer said, Just when you've got it, everything changes. That isn't easy, especially because A) The child, unlike a redesigned website or rearranged living room, doesn't stand still for several months. She will change again tomorrow and B) You are responsible for the well-being of this child. It isn't a matter of "accepting" the change--you need to work with the change. 

And this, my friends, is what brings us to my favorite point to reinforce to you over and over again.

Why, why, why.

You must learn why. You must figure out why you do things and what your ultimate goals are. You must learn the why and understand the theory behind what you are doing. Some say why is more important than how (I am with them). Others say why is as important as how (sometimes, how is important, but not always). But never does anyone say how is more important than why. 

You can't spend your time memorizing scenarios from parenting books. You just can't. The book can't cover it all for you, and you can't remember it all even if it did.

Understand the why.

Why, why, why.

*Note: I did realize, AFTER writing this post, that I wrote a post inspired by the first quote back in December--but it is a totally different post, so I decided to continue forward with this one.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

• why vs. how 
• Parenting breakthrough

The All-Important "Why"

I have talked many times about the importance of "why" you do things, no simply how. In The Parenting Breakthrough by Merilee Boyack, she brings up a great point on the importance of why.

Every child is different.

If you plan to have more than one child, you can't just go through your first child figuring out the "hows." Well, you can, but then when child two comes around you will have to re-learn everything all over again. Why? Because each child is different. The way you held child one will not necessarily be effective with child two. If, however, you have ingrained the why into you, you will be able to roll with the punches and apply your philosophies to parenting child two just as well as child one--if not better.

Let's take some examples from my children.

First, a simple example.

When Kaitlyn was born, I definitely treated her like a mini-Brayden at first. I really didn't know any better. It took me 6 weeks with Brayden to figure out that he needed gas drops after every meal. So when Kaitlyn was born, I was sure to give her gas drops after each nursing.

But Kaitlyn seemed to have poop that was entirely too runny. I had the thought to stop the gas drops, so I did. The poop went to a normal newborn poop.

When McKenna came along, I evaluated her before assuming anything about her. In the end, she did need gas drops.

Now for a more complex example (complex to figure out). This involves early waking.

Brayden has always been the type where if you give him an inch, he does his best to take a mile. So if he woke early and you went in, he woke early as often as he could after that. I had to figure him out and discern the difference between him needing me and him trying to get me in there. He was also the type during CIO that if I tried to soothe him during the process, it only upset him more. He did much better if I backed off.

Kaitlyn was very different. She has never been the type to take more than you give her. Going in once didn't mean going in every day for a month. And during CIO, if she was crying, I needed to go in. It helped. Now, if I had assumed she was just like Brayden, things would have been a lot harder with her.

Then take McKenna. She didn't cry at all for naps ever. So when she started crying in the evenings all of a sudden, I knew something was wrong. I could have assumed she just needed to CIO, but I studied her as an individual and figured out it was witching hour. 

It is very important to remember that "why" you are doing something is the goal, and how you get there is not necessarily important (there are of course times when how matters, but so long as how is in sync with your goals, you are fine. There are many ways to achieve your goal--in other words, many "hows").

Oh, and Boyack brings up another great reason on the importance of why...

Children change.

"So not only am I coping with different kids, but they change every year and even minute by minute sometimes. It's like waking up every day and finding a new computer sitting on your desk. How are you supposed to keep up with that?" (page 7)

Let's go back to Kaitlyn. During CIO, she needed me to go in at 20 minutes if she was still crying. That was great for a while, but then me going in at 20 started interfering. So I had to wait a couple of minutes beyond that. 

It is like the post "Just when you got it, everything changes." I know we can all relate to the child changing thing. You will need to change your game plan many times throughout your parenting journey. Sometimes many times a day! If you don't know why you are doing something, you will get too stuck on how to even come close to your goal.

So once again, I implore you to study the "whys" and analyze your beliefs an goals. I promise your life will go much smoother if you do. 

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• Just When You Got It, Everything Changes:http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/02/just-when-you-got-iteverything-changes.html
• why vs. how
• Parenting breakthrough

Parenting Tip #1: Never Say Never

Okay. You've done it. You've watched someone with her child and thought, "Gasp! My child will never behave that way!" You've done that more than once, right? And how many times have you found your child doing that exact thing?

Never say never.

Side bar--do you remember that show, An American Tail? I loved that show. "Never say never, whatever you do."

Okay, back to the point. In The Parenting Breakthrough (which I still maintain as one of my all-time favorite parenting books), Merrilee Boyack lists some of her parenting tips. Number one is Never Say Never. "I can almost promise you that hte minute you get that word past your lips, you will have set in motion a chain of events guaranteeing that you will face that situation" (page 2). Call it Karma, call it your pride getting in the way, whatever, but the idea that your child will never XYZ is something to avoid.

Children have minds of their own. So despite you deciding what your child will or will not do, it isn't really up to you in the end. It is up to the child. 

Now, I am not saying "don't have goals for your children" or "don't hope and instruct your children not to do certain things." You know what I hope? Lots of things. I hope my children never use recreational drugs. I hope they are kind. I hope they never stray. I hope they develop a strong faith in Christ...Can I guarentee these things? Unfortunately no. I can do my best to ensure it. I can put forth every effort. But I cannot say with confidence "They will never..." That is their choice to make, and hopefully when they come to that choice, I will have done all that I could to help them choose that right path.

And you know, thus far, I can actually think of things I have thought, "my kids will never" where I have been able to stick to it. One example is reverence in church. When we were pregnant with Brayden, I was a careful observer of those around me at church. There were some children who were so well behaved and others who were...not. 

One in particular had his parents right where he wanted them. He got bored in Sacrament meeting or Sunday school--understandably. They aren't exciting for a 18 month-2 year old. He would throw a little fit and get taken out to the hall.

The hall was a lot of fun! He got to chase balls (yes, you read that right), run around, eat food. These things were great fun for the 18 month-2 year old! I observed that other children his age and younger were able to be good in meetings (I later discovered upon inquiry these children were all Babywise babies). I vowed right then and there that I would never take my children in the hall and have it be fun for them. The hall would not be a fun place. 

And we have stuck to that. Sure, having fun in the hall would be a lot easier. But if my kids are taken in the hall, they get to sit on the parent's lap. And that is all. No talking. No walking. No eating. No drinking. No thing. In the meetings, they can do quiet, appropriate activities. So while the meeting itself is no amusement park, it is far superior to the hall.

But generally speaking, watch yourself when you start to say, "I will never" or "my children will never..." A major problem with this line of thinking is that it is usually accompanied with a great amount of judgement on the other parent. Boyack, in her always humorous way, says, "Frankly, I think the Lord starts to chuckle the minute we say, 'I would never...' and He sends us that very challenge" (page 3). Perhaps He does. Perhaps we need some humbling at that moment. 

So make goals for yourself and your children, but don't judge and condemn other parents in the process.

Related Blog Labels:

• The Parenting Breakthrough

Dump the Guilt

In The Parenting Breakthrough, Merilee Boyack starts off by asking all readers to take the "Dump the Guilt" pledge.

"We feel guilty, sure hat we're scarring our kids for life, if we don't have dinner on the table by 6:00 every night. We feel guilty if your kids aren't perfect little angels. You're going to read stuff here that makes you think, 'Oh, brother, why didn't I do this sooner?' Let it go. Let it all go. You see, you can't do a thing about the past, and all you'll do by worrying about it is get wrinkles" (page 3)

I love this quote. I think we have all read a parenting book (or blog maybe?) that made us panic. We realize that we are behind and feel guilty and wonder if we can ever recover from that late start. We feel like bad parents when our children behave poorly. We look at other families and wonder why ours isn't running as smoothly as theirs. It seems we have one thing after another to feel guilty about.

Everyone messes up. And everyone has things they wish they could have done differently. Everyone has problems. No one is perfect.

And so I join with Boyack. Let's dump the guilt! Sure, take note of the things you need to improve on. That is a necessary part of improving yourself and helping your family progress. Perhaps it might even do you good to figure out how you could have handled a situation better so you are better prepared next time. But what if games aren't going to get you anywhere.

I get it. I am what I would call a retrospective perfectionist. When I don't do something perfectly, I will stew over it and just wish I could do that over again. I would stress more about what happened in the past than what was coming in the future, which really makes no sense. I have worked on this and think I have improved some.

And you know, I feel guilty about things all the time. Right now I am feeling guilty about school work. Here we are, one week into summer, and I am feeling guilty like I haven't done enough with Brayden so far to keep his skills sharpened. One week! So the guilty feeling is normal.

Also, I think guilt can be a good thing. Maybe you lost your temper with your child and feel guilty about it. That is telling you to do something now and avoid it in the future. But Boyack isn't saying never feel guilt; she is saying dump the guilt. Understood along with that is you will likely need to make amends if necessary and attempt to fix anything that needs to be fixed.

So, yes, you have messed up. Learn what you can from it and move forward. Spend your energy planning what you will do better next time at rather than wishing you would have done better last time.

Dump the guilt. You want what is best for your children and you are trying hard. You don't need to feel guilty about your lack of ability to be perfect; you never can be perfect at everything.

And let's be honest. We will read this and think, "Yes! I will dump the guilt!" Then tomorrow (or maybe later today) we will have that guilty feeling creep up again and feel the need to stress over what we did and what we should have done. Dump it again. Learn from it, improve from it, then dump it.

Here is to happy parenting!

RELATED BLOG LABELS:

• Parenting Breakthrough
• Parenting
• Motherhood
• Word To The Weary

Book Review: The Parenting Breakthrough

I have mentioned The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Browne Boyack several times on this blog, but I haven't yet done a review on it. I absolutely love this book. A couple of different readers recommended this book to me, so I bought it and am so glad I did. The intent of the book is to give parents a plan for teaching children to work, save money, and grow to be independent adults.

Boyack is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS--as am I), and her audience is obviously other people who are LDS. When she wrote it, she definitely wrote it with them in mind because she makes references to things in the Church without explaining them. I will say if you are LDS and like this blog, you will love this book. I think most people of any faith will like this book.

Synopsis
Here is what is included in this book:

• Chapter One: A pep talk to encourage you to work as parents.
• Chapter Two: A "why" chapter. This chapter talks about why you are going to put forth so much effort to teach your child to work, save money, and be independent adults.
• Chapter Three: The plan. This chapter outlines things I have posted about in setting long-term goals and establishing a plan to meet those goals.
• Chapter Four: Getting kids to work. This chapter talks about chores and work. It talks about the importance of work, different methods for motivating work, and implementation tips.
• Chapter Five: All about money. Teaching money management, allowance, tithing, spending, and jobs.
• Chapter Six: Advanced money. Here we have discussion on savings, investing, borrowing, investing...admittedly the hardest chapter for me to get through. It has great info, but kind of turns into text-book reading.
• Chapter Seven: Focus on family. This talks about different ways to train children through the family dynamic. It includes establishing a family identity, developing family mottos, talking about family lore, decorating your home to train, having good music in the home, and setting family goals.
• Chapter Eight: This chapter is on emotional and spiritual development. This chapter is the most focused on things specific to those of the LDS faith.
• Chapter Nine: Developing parenting skills and mindsets.

About The Author
Boyack is an estate-planning attorney in California. Her Bachelor's degree is in Business Management--Finance. She has four sons and very active in her community and globally.

Conclusion
This book is full of wit and humor. Boyack has a blunt personality that shows through her writing. The principles in this book are written for ages 3-18 and are harmonious with -wise principles.

Not everyone who reads this book loves it--not even all LDS people. Anyone who slants more toward attachment parenting or who doesn't like to teach children to work will not like this book. Those against schedules will not like this book. She also makes some poor references toward those who do manual labor--declaring them undesirable jobs. Not every manual labor job, but things like the person who holds a sign for road construction. She doesn't say terrible things about them; just that they didn't go to college.

Now, I come from a line of manual laborers. I mostly come from farmers. I am the first person in my family to get a college degree. So, I have nothing but respect for those who do manual labor, but my hope for my children is that they will get college degrees, as was the hope of my parents.

But I think anyone who likes to schedule and who wants to be proactive in training their children will love this book and find the information invaluable. It is definitely one of my top five favorite parenting books I have ever read.

The Parenting Breakthrough Book Index

• Book Review: The Parenting Breakthrough
• 3 Reasons YOU Get To Be In Charge
• Creating a Parenting Plan
• Implementing You Parenting Plan
• Dump The Guilt: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/06/dump-guilt.html
• The Ever-Changing Child
• "I Do It Myself!"
• Parenting Tip #1: Never Say Never
• Purposes of Parenting
• The All-Important "Why"
• Work: More than Economic Value