Commanding Obedience within Reason

Kaitlyn and I recently read The Little Prince together. As we were reading along, there were a lot of gems of wisdom throughout that I saw differently now that I am a parent. At one point, the little prince was talking to a king who boasted of being obeyed perfectly. 

The little prince requested the king command the sun to set right then. The king replied,

"If I commanded a general to fly from one flower to the next like a butterfly, or to write a tragedy, or to turn into a seagull, and if the general did not carry out my command, which of us would be in the wrong, the general or me?"

"You would be," said the little prince, quite firmly.

"Exactly. One must command from each what each can perform," the king went on. "Authority is based first of all upon reason...I am entitled to command obedience because my orders are reasonable." pages 30-31

This is precisely how we must look at our own authority as parents. We can not require obedience beyond the ability of our children. If we want obedience from our children, our orders need to be reasonable. 

This is definitely easier said than done. We don't always know what is reasonable. We don't always have the correct level of expectations for our children. We often expect too much from some and too little from others. You also have the fact that children can rise to our expectations, so we should have high standards for them. So how do you know if your orders are reasonable or not? 

If your child is constantly having issues being obedient, then your orders are not reasonable in some way. It might mean you have too high of expectations so your child is constantly failing to meet them (and will eventually stop trying to meet them). It can also mean your expectations are too low, resulting in your child having freedoms beyond her years to handle them. Either extreme will lead to behavior problems. For more on this, see Constantly Needing to Correct the Child.

Behavior problems are not the only sign that your commands might be off. Some children will bend over backwards trying to please their parents, no matter how monumental the task. If your child seems stressed or on edge, then you are likely giving commands that are not reasonable. If your child breaks down at the slightest hing of failure, evaluate your expectations. At some point, there will be some form of rebellion from these unreasonable commands, even if it is as minuscule as your adult child avoiding being around you (likely subconsciously). 

Keep this quote in mind as you parent and make demands of your children. Remember to request what they can give you. Always be willing to evaluate and adjust what you are requesting, how that is being received, and what you might need to change. You will likely often get it wrong--that is a normal part of parenting. Do the best you can and stay humble about it all and it will work out.

Related Posts/Blog Labels

• Wise In Your Own Eyes

• Babywise II: Freedoms

• Parental Authority

• Leadership and Authority: Childwise

• Childwise Phase One

Constantly Needing to Correct the Child

Shortly before my third child was born, I wrote a post on Siblings and the Funnel. In it, I cautioned parents against allowing younger siblings the same freedoms as the older siblings. I talked about why it happens and what to do about it.

If I thought it was difficult to parent inside the funnel with two children less than two years apart, I had no idea what I was in for with the three children, and I am sure as I sit now with a fourth child who is a newborn, I don't know the challenges I will face with children 7 years apart.

On Becoming Pretoddlerwise cautions against parenting outside the funnel, including with siblings. The authors, Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, point out that we don't want to allow 15 month olds 2 year old freedoms or two year olds 5 year old freedoms (see page 106). Why do we not want to allow children to do things that are not age-appropriate? On a physical level, children can get hurt, hurt others, and damage property. 

You will also see the child is very disobedient. "If you start to see that you are constantly correcting, chasing after your pretoddler, if he throws a fit when you remove an object from his hands, or you find yourself repeatedly removing your child from the same unpleasant situations, these are realistic indicators that you are parenting 'outside the funnel' " (pages 106-107).

You certainly can (and will) find yourself parenting outside the funnel when you have just one child. It happens. As parents we are all learning on the job. I think we notice and correct it faster with just one child, though. With siblings, we easily fall into the mistake of allowing the child to do things that are not age appropriate for her. I think we need to make a conscious effort to avoid it--and I find that more true with more children.

On the flip side, always remember to give freedoms when the child is ready. If you withhold freedoms  the child will be frustrated. I think this most often happens with an oldest child.

If you find you have been allowing too many freedoms and you are now trying to cut back, know that some children are tenacious enough to repeatedly try to hold on to that freedom for quite some time. Two of my children will respond pretty immediately to reigning in of freedoms, but my third little one can and often will hold on to trying to maintain that freedom well beyond the time frame that seems reasonable. Some of you may have similar personality types :)

Next week, we will talk about how to set boundaries and I will address doing so with siblings. Sure, with an oldest child you can keep toys that are too old for the child out of reach, but when you have a 7 year old and a 3 year old in the house, how do you keep the 3 year old from playing with toys meant for 7+? More on that next week. For now, learn more about the funnel and freedoms:

• freedoms
• funnel
• wise in own eyes

Fine Balance of Protecting Children

As parents, we really, really want to protect our children. Fiercely. We don't want them hurt physically, emotionally, nor mentally. Because of this, we often worry about letting our children out into the world, whether for playing with neighborhood kids, attending dance class, or going to school.

This was a discussion I recently had with fellow Babywise moms. At what point do you start to let go? How long do you protect? Do you let go? Can you control the environment--and if so, for how long?

The point was made that we protect seedlings in the garden and often in a greenhouse. This led me to think about my gardening experience. As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, Parenting is Like Gardening. There are so many analogies you can make. This one, for me, is very powerful. It is probably because of I have a lot of experience with it. 

I live in a colder climate. In order to grow tender plants like peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, pumpkins, cantaloupe, watermelon, and zucchini, I need to protect them. Take a look at the picture above. You can see several blue and green plastic things in my garden. These are called "wall-of-water." They act as a mini greenhouse. They protect the plants from frost. 

These wall-of-waters work very well at protecting plants. I liken them to the protection we put over our children. They keep the heat in and cold out. The air inside of the wall-of-water is very warm and humid. The plants (likened to children) grow quickly and safely.

Over the years, I have experimented with my wall-of-water. You can't leave the wall-of-water on all season if you want the plant to get strong and produce fruit. One of my first seasons, I left them on too long. I wanted to make sure all danger of frost was past. When I removed the wall-of-waters, the plants were too big and broke as soon as the wall-of-water was gone. They had not strengthened to support themselves because they relied on the wall-of-water too long. They then had a lot of time to make up once they were out of the wall-of-water.

Another problem with leaving the wall-of-water on too long is that the bees cannot get in to pollinate. The plant is unable to produce fruit with the blossoms it has because there is no pollination happening.

The next year, I knew I needed to get the wall-of-water off before the plant got too big and early enough for pollination. I removed them at the size I figured was best. Sizing-wise, I was correct. The problem is, it was still often cold, and the plant went into some major shock at suddenly losing all protection at a young and tender size. I had done some experimentation and not protected some peppers while protecting others. It turned out the peppers I did not protect became stronger plants that produced more at harvest time because the protected plants went into so much shock after losing the protection. 

After several years, last year I finally perfected my wall-of-water use. 

Instead of just removing the wall-of-water when the time seemed right, I opened them up for a period of time before removing them all together. I removed some of my protection over the plant, but still kept some protection. This helped the plant get used to air that was not as warm and humid without removing all warmth and protection. It also allowed bees to pollinate. You can see this in the picture above.

Another thing you might notice in the picture above is that one of the plants does not have a a wall-of-water that used to. This was the pumpkin plant. This plant was ready to have the wall of water removed before the others.

After some time, I removed the wall-of-water completely. Some plants were then ready to continue on without support. Others, like tomatoes, still needed some support in the form of tomato cages. You can see the plants all without wall-of-water in the picture above.

So how does this all relate to parenting?

First, we do need to protect our young and tender children. We need to control their environment. 

As they age, we need to allow them to be exposed to the world a little more. I am not talking exposure to bad things, but given freedoms that are age appropriate. If we leave the protective barrier over them too long, we slow down and lesson their ability to produce fruits as well as weaken them overall--we weaken their ability to stand against the elements that life will bring them at some point. 

When the child is ready, we remove that protection all together. Not all children are ready at the same age for this. Some are ready earlier than others. For some, even though they are ready for the protection to be removed, they still need some support. 

Here is the trick to parenting: figuring out when to remove protection. What age? What exposure is okay? How often do you remove protection at first? And so on.

There is no one right answer--not from family to family nor from child to child within a family. 

Before this sounds like an impossible and terrifying task, let me assure you, children, like plants, are resilient. I once left a young pumpkin plant exposed on a night with a hard freeze. That plant turned as black as night and appeared to be dead. Hoping it had some life, I continued to water it. That pumpkin plant came back and produced very well. You never would have known it was once considered dead. So long as we continue nurturing and caring for our young children, then will make it just like that pumpkin plant did. Stay mindful. Stay observant. Stay invested. Stay prayerful. Your children will turn out great! 

Wise In Your Own Eyes

"It is our firm conviction, based on our observations, that more conflicts arise out of this wise in your own eyes attitude than any other single factor in parenting" (Preschoolwise page 72). A child who is wise in his own eyes is a child who has been granted too many freedoms. They "go places they should not go and say things they should not say" (Preschoolwise page 67). This is the reason you want to avoid the choice addiction (see The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers)).

In On Becoming Preschoolwise, they use the example of a child refusing a certain color of cup. Mom sees that as not a big deal and changes the cup. There are several other choices that the child insisting upon having control over. By lunch time, the child informs mom that he doesn't want lunch just then. He will eat later. He is busy.

Allowing your child to have a blue cup instead of the red cup you offered him is not necessarily a problem, but it can lead to a problem. Of course we all want our children to grow toward independence; we don't want to make every choice in our child's life forever (well, maybe we would like to, but we know that isn't healthy ;) ).

Ezzo and Bucknam point out that your child is unable to discriminate between amoral choices (choosing which color of cup to have) and moral choices (choosing whether or not to obey instruction). "From his perspective, saying no to Mom's instructions is no different than saying no to her selection of juice" (page 67). Saying no to something innocent like what color of cup to drink from is no different to him than saying no to naptime. If he is wise enough for one decision, he is wise enough for the other. When you grant freedoms too early and allow your child to make his own choices all day long, he will soon "assume a false sense of confidence in their own abilities and judgements" (page 71).

This is the reason you always want to watch the choices you allow. You don't want your child to get to the point of thinking he can tell you no when you give him an instruction.

My personal policy is too allow choices, but I often test Brayden's submission to me. For example, as he has gotten older, I have allowed him to have more say over what he wears each day. At first, I gave him a choice between two shirts that I would be happy with. It taught him about making choices and sticking with the choice made (experiencing the "consequence"). As he has gotten older, I have given him more freedom. Some days I let him pick any short-sleeved shirt from his closet. Some days he can choose the shorts he wears. I don't yet allow him to choose the entire outfit.

I don't, however, give him this privilege every day of the week. I know that there are days I want to reserve the right to choose the entire outfit (church, pictures, family reunions, etc.). Several days of the week, I choose the entire outfit. I watch his reaction to me choosing and make sure he has not become addicted to making choices. Brayden has no issue with this.

When Brayden was younger, there was a day when he protested the outfit I chose for him. I knew that day that he had too many freedoms overall and I limited them.

I believe the oldest child has a greater risk for being wise in his own eyes. We often give our oldest child freedoms sooner than he is really ready for them simply because we don't have the experience to guide us on what he needs and what he doesn't. We are eager for this little child to show his maturity. We anxiously await every new step. We also ask the oldest child to help with younger siblings and expect them to be a good example. It doesn't help that younger children often obey the oldest child without question (at least in the younger years).

One day as I was nursing McKenna in her room, Brayden and Kaitlyn came to the bathroom (right next to McKenna's room). Brayden got a book for Kaitlyn and pointed to a spot in the hall and told her to sit there and read the book while he went to the bathroom. She did it! I was shocked, amused, and dismayed all at the same time. That is a situation that is really funny, but you know that you need to have a talk with the oldest child on his role in the family.

With subsequent children, we typically have a better idea of the appropriate timeline for privileges. For example, I believe I allowed Brayden the choice of shirts at Kaitlyn's current age (27 months). I have never given her the choice yet.

We can run into problems when we allow the younger children the same privilege as the older sibling. It can be easier to allow it than to fight the younger child who wants to be just like older brother.

Take note of the why as to the reason we limit choices. It isn't to suppress our children. It is to require a moral maturity from them before they can be granted freedoms. If you find your child of any age resistant to your instruction, the first step is to always evaluate the child's freedoms. Get them back in line with age appropriateness and you will have more harmony at home.

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• BW II: Freedoms: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/babywise-ii-freedoms.html
• The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers) : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/03/choice-addiction-for-toddlers.html
• Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/06/problem-solving-using-beliefs-goals-why.html
• Boundaries (Toddlerwise) : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/01/boundaries-toddlerwise.html
• Boundaries: Part II (Toddlerwise) : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/01/boundaries-part-ii-toddlerwise.html
• preschoolwise (blog label)
• funnel (blog label)
• freedoms (blog label)
• discipline (blog label)
• why vs. how (blog label)

Siblings and the Funnel

This is my latest post on GrowingKids.org: Siblings and the Funnel.

Parenting inside the funnel can be trickier when you have more than one child to consider. Hopefully by the time you have two, you are familiar with the concept of the funnel, but in case not or you need a refresher course, you can see Babywise II: Freedoms or review any of your -Wise books.

So why is it trickier to parent in the funnel with more than one child? Here are some reasons I have found:

• Your attention is spread out more. When you have one child to think about, it is easier to focus on that one child and analyze every reaction and action of that child. The more children you have to think about, the more likely you will miss things. Hopefully your experience will help balance this out, though.
• Your time is spread out more. You might be tempted to let one or more of the children do things they aren't ready for because you don't have as much time as you would like in the day. Correcting takes time.
• Your energy is spread out more. You also need to allocate your energy among the children. Correcting takes time, but it also takes energy. Sometimes you might find yourself wanting to say, "whatever, just do it," even when you know it is not something your child is ready for. I have even had grandmothers tell me with a chuckle that after several children they just let them parent themselves because they were so tired.
• You want to be fair. 4 year old Jimmy gets to do X, and you just know that 2 year old Suzy is going to be really upset if she doesn't get to do what older brother does. Younger siblings love to emulate their older siblings. Or perhaps Suzy does not have the same sitting still requirements as Jimmy, but you don't want Jimmy to feel picked on so you allow him to get away with things he shouldn't be getting away with.
• You parent emotions. I have found that my younger daughter often gets upset when her older brother is disciplined. I am not talking any kind of huge discipline tactic. Even just me giving him the look and speaking firmly is enough to upset her. Some parents might choose to not discipline in order to avoid upsetting a sibling. Some parents avoid letting their baby fuss before a nap because it makes the older sibling upset.
• You expect too much. I remember when I got home from the hospital after giving birth to my second child. I looked at my oldest and thought, "You are huge!" It is easy to compare the oldest or older children to the youngest and expect more than is appropriate of him.
• You expect too little. Conversely, we can often expect too little of our youngest and younger children. My daughter is a couple of weeks shy of the age my son was when she was born. He seemed so old to me at the time, and she seems like a little baby still because I have him to compare her to at the moment. When I think about it, I realize that in many ways she actually acts older than he did at this age (for example, her verbal skills are beyond what his were at this age). I am sure that in about two months when we welcome our third child, she will suddenly seem a lot older.

We have our reasons and temptations for not parenting in the funnel. Let me now implore you to parent in the funnel for all of your children.

• You might do well to picture a funnel for each child. If not, at least realize that each child is in a different location in the funnel. I would imagine it is possible for even twins to be in different locations in a funnel, but for sure two siblings who do not share the same birthday and year are going to be in drastically different places in the funnel.
• Take the time to think through the status of each child. Involve your spouse in this. If Dad is away all day, he is more removed from the situation and can have valuable insight into changes that are happening in behavior. Talking things over with your spouse will help you work things out in your head. This can be done during couch time or before you go to bed (or any other time of day that works for you).
• Work slots into your schedule each day for time alone with each child. Allot the amount of time you can as appropriate. This can give you the opportunity to focus on that one child and her needs. You might do this while one child is in independent play, taking a nap, or at preschool.
• Take time for yourself. Take responsibility for yourself and be sure to get enough sleep at night so your mind can be fresh and focused. Take nights off to spend time alone, with friends, doing service, and having date nights with your spouse. Have friends over so you can have fun with them and get back in touch with yourself. This can help you to have the energy and motivation you need to focus on your children's needs. It also reminds everyone in the family that the child and children are not the center of the universe. Just a part of it.
• Don't hold back privileges from Jimmy just because Suzy would want to do it, too. As your child gets older and starts to compare himself to his friends, he will want to have the "privileges" they do. Chances are many of those friends will have privileges you don't think are appropriate. Teaching your child from a young age that each person needs to earn privileges can help alleviate the disappointment of 7 year old Suzy when she doesn't get her own cell phone. Denying privileges to an older sibling will eventually cause developmental frustration to develop in the older child. Privileges are not a "one-size-fits-all" for the family. Each child is an individual.
• You also don't want to hold back expectations from Jimmy just because Suzy isn't ready to live up to those same expectations. Jimmy is older and will have different responsibilities than Suzy will. You also don't want to expect more from Suzy than she can give. Just as privileges aren't one-size-fits-all, neither are responsibilities. Last night, we were having a family lesson. Brayden (3.5) is expected to sit still on the couch and remain quiet. Kaitlyn (1.5) is expected to stay in the room and remain quiet. Kaitlyn was standing next to the coffee table. Brayden wanted to get down and I reminded him he needed to sit. He replied, "Because she is younger she does different things?" I explained that she had different responsibilities, but also different privileges. I pointed out things he gets to do because he is older and more able to handle certain freedoms, but that along with those privileges came certain responsibilities.
• Don't parent emotions. You need to do what is best for each child as an individual. Don't deny training from one child just because other children are uncomfortable with it. When Kaitlyn was sleep training, I explained the reasons we were doing it to Brayden. I also explained that he did the same thing. He was not quite two at the time. He understood, or at least accepted, what I told him. I also did my best to not expose him to her crying. We would go outside with a monitor or do other things to distract him.
• Don't compare your children. I think this is good advice, but it is hard to do. Try to not compare your children. Treat your child as the individual that he is. He has his own strengths, weaknesses, and talents that are unique to him--and they shouldn't be based on what his siblings are good or not good at. The fact that one child is more advanced in a certain area at a certain age doesn't make one "ahead" or one "behind." The only person we should be compared against is ourselves. Are we better today than we were yesterday? Are we living up to our own potential?

As you consider the funnel, keep in mind that parenting outside of the funnel can appear to be easier in the moment, but it always makes things harder in the long-term. If you parent in the funnel, correction and direction are much easier. You know this. You have experienced the consequences, good and bad, of previous funnel parenting. Keep these possible pitfalls in mind as you now parent more than one child.

Related Posts:

• funnel
• siblings

Start as You Mean to Go On as a Parent

Start as You Mean to Go On as a Parent. Do not start habits you will later want to break or allow habits you will later want to break. 

Just like every story has a beginning, so does every life. And just like the beginning of a story impacts what is to follow, so does the beginning of life impact what is to follow. In Secrets of the Baby Whisperer (affiliate link), Tracy Hogg suggests to readers that they start as they mean to go on. This idea is found on page 48. What this means is that when you bring your baby home from the hospital, you start life with your baby as you want it to be in the future. If you want your baby to self-soothe, you start now. If you want your baby to sleep in the crib, you start now. If you want baby to be on a schedule, you start now.

How to Know What Freedoms to Give Baby

How to Know What Freedoms to Give Baby. Understanding the concept of freedoms and knowing how to respond when baby tests those limits. 

The idea of freedoms is talked about in the second Babywise book. I found this to be a difficult concept for me to grasp onto as a first time mother, and have found that to be true of many other mothers. When I was reading On Becoming Babywise Book 2 for my second child, the concept was not difficult and made a lot of sense. In this post, I try to explain it in my own words to help you grasp the concept if you, too, are having difficulty understanding what freedoms are.

Understanding the Concept of Freedoms

The freedoms are referred to in the parenting in the funnel section (pp. 32-37) in On Becoming Babywise Book 2 (buy your copy of Babywise Book 2 here-Affiliate link). You only allow freedoms your children are developmentally ready for (both physically and mentally). It can be an abstract idea for you to grasp when you are looking at your 4 month old and wondering how it applies to him.