Any links to Amazon are affiliate links. '
Showing posts with label Child Age Range. Show all posts

7 Chores Your Six Year Old Can Do

Chores Your Six Year Old Can Do. A list of chore ideas that your child can learn to do when your child is six years old. 
Chores Your Six Year Old Can Do. A list of chore ideas that your child can learn to do when your child is six years old.

Having a child who helps with the household chores is invaluable. Every person in the house contributes to the mess, so having everyone contribute to the clean-up helps off-load the parents. Many hands make light work! Beyond easing burdens upon parents, chores help teach responsibility and life skills. Children learn not only how to care for a home so they are prepared to care for their own someday, but they learn the value in hard work and a job well done. If they are expected to be responsible in one thing, they can be responsible for other things in life.

It is important to keep chores age-appropriate. If a child is expected to care for something beyond her capability, it can lead to frustration. If she is expected to care for too few things or items that are too easy, he is losing the opportunity to grow and expand. 

8 Ways to Respond to, "Everyone is Doing It!"

8 Ways to Respond to, "Everyone is Doing It!" Helpful phrases to be prepared for how to respond. 


The phrase, "Everyone is doing it!" is a time-honored phrase of children everywhere who are trying to get their parents to agree to something. While parents have a time honored response of "If everyone jumped off a cliff...", you also can't help but start to wonder if you on the right track with what you are allowing and what you aren't.

It can be good to crowd source from similarly-minded parents to see if you are on the right track or not; however, you don't want to drive your parenting decisions based on what others are doing or not doing. It can be so helpful to have some phrases you have in your family that express the point that your child won't get to do everything the friends and acquaintances get to do. 

I have written a post on how to respond when your child presents "everyone else is doing it!" I asked blog readers how they respond to this phrase. Here are 8 phrases you can use when your child tells you "But everyone is doing it!"

"We want to make wise choices for our family."
Rene said: for our youngest and "we watch movies as a family". With wanting things or to do activities we often talk it out. For example, my girls wanted light up shoes (they later got them for Christmas from grandparents). It was a good opportunity to talk about budget, giving to others, and comparing cost. Once the 9yo was on board, the younger ones were too. (It's funny because now the 9yo is very conservative on where she wears them.)

"Other families have different rules; these are your family's rules."

"We're not going to play that way in our family."

"The road to destruction is broad, but the road to life is narrow."

"We show kindness and respect to ourselves and others. Is {fill in the blank} kind and respectful?"

"Other families have different rules."Amy said: We talk a lot about how other families have different rules, and their rules are good for them, but our rules are our rules and that's the way we will go. When my second grader was on his last few days of kindy, the teacher suggested we send in a game that the kids could play as she was packing up the classroom. So Ethan and I discussed it and we settled on Connect 4 - I figured it was one he could easily set up and there weren't too many pieces to loose. He came home all chatty about how so-and-so brought their iPhone and so-and-so brought their iPad. Apparently most of them brought in "their" devices. 

"If they jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?"

"Yes, your friend's family may do xyz, but we are [last name], and [last name] don't."Manda said: I also often discuss with them why. When my 16 yo was 11 and everyone had a cell phone she was super annoyed that we don’t allow it until the kids are driving age. I pointed out our reasons (safety, cost, etc) but also what I had seen among her friends. Namely that what they had often wasn’t a full cell phone...it was a prepaid minute plan and they were always out of minutes. Also, they would get grounded from their phones for misusing them All.The.Time! Seriously, they always had it taken away. We explained that this was a good sign her friends weren’t really ready for the privilege. She listened but didn’t agree at the time but now 4 years later told me, “I see what you guys meant about the cell phones!”

Conclusion
When you have a solid plan on how to respond when your child tries to talk you into agreeing to something based on peer pressure, you can respond easily and with confidence. You can always respond with your phrase and then ponder it. Decide if you think you should change a rule. We aren't perfect. Sometimes we need to tweak things. But we should parent our individual children based on their needs and not on what other people have decided is best for their individual child. Having a phrase gives you something to say in the moment and also sets a bar in your home so your child knows mom and dad won't do something just because "every" other parent is. 

8 Ways to Respond to, "Everyone is Doing It!" Helpful phrases to be prepared for how to respond.

8 Ways to Respond to, "Everyone is Doing It!" Helpful phrases to be prepared for how to respond.
..


10 Chores Your Five Year Old Can Do

By the time your child turns five, he can really do chores that are helpful in the home. this is such a blessing and benefit in the home! It is so nice to have your little people start to help contribute to cleaning up after themselves and not just making messes. Here is a list of chores you can expect a five year old to do.

10 Chores Your Five Year Old Can Do | Chores | Chores for children | #chores


Now, with these chores, always keep in mind that you need to teach the child how to do the chore and give time for the child to work at it, practice, and get better over time. Just because "help clear the table" is on the list won't mean your five year old will know exactly what that looks like and be a pro the first time you have him help. So look at these as skills to work on over the entire year five. Also, be sure your child is doing the chores from the previous lists I have shared before adding on these chores. I have linked those at the end of this post.

  • Clear the Table: Have your five year old help clear the table. Decide on things your child can put away that you are okay with. You need to expect some spills; food might fall from a plate. A dirty spoon might fall on the floor. Remember the child is learning. You can have your child move things from the table into the kitchen or go as far as having the child literally put stuff away where it goes. 
  • Straighten A Room: A five year old can straighten up a room. A five year old can even reasonably be expected to clean her own room. It might not be as organized as you would clean it--that is highly dependent on the child's personality. But it can still be done. 
  • Empty Garbage: Since McKenna was five, she has been in charge of emptying every garbage can in the house once a week. This is something you will need to help your child do several
    10 Chores Your Five Year Old Can Do | Chores | Chores for children | #chores
    times (at least) before leaving your child to it. 
  • Prep Own Lunch: Your five year old can prep most if not all of her own lunch if lunch is simple enough. 
  • Clean Base Moldings: I have a hard time getting base moldings cleaned as often as I like, so I love having a child do base moldings from time to time. This is a great task for a five year old.
  • Fold Laundry: I have my children help fold laundry starting at four or five. This is a task that requires your patience for sure. The children quickly improve at this skill.
  • Fold Socks: A five year old can fold socks and sort them to piles of who the socks belong to. If you fold the way where one sock goes into the other, this is a skill that may take several months to develop--it is a motor skill. 
  • Put Laundry Away: A five year old can learn to put clothes on the hanger. If the bar is low enough in the closet or a step stool is availale, the child can even hang those clothes back up in the closet. The child can also put clothes away neatly that are folded. I HIGHLY recommend teaching children these laundry skills at five. You have no idea how much time and mental load will be lifted off your plate when you can hand your child her basket of laundry and say, "Put your laundry away!" and you walk away. So amazing. You probably won't get to that point with a five year old, unless the five year old is very much detail oriented and takes care to be neat, but it will happen by six or seven. It is a goal worth working toward, from one mom to another.
  • Be a Runner: When I am organizing and decluttering, I LOVE having a child with me. I will hand an item to the child and have her run it where I need it to go. It saves me so much time.
  • Build on Previous Chores: Your child has some chores already on her resume. You can build on those. As a four year old, you introduced unloading the dishwasher. You may have started with the silverware. This year, add something else she can reach and have that be her job, also. 
Do not look at this list and decide your child needs to do all of them tomorrow. You can add one skill a month over the course of being five. I have ten items here for you. Pick the ten best months for you to work on a skill and focus on one a month. If your child catches on faster, you can add more quickly. 

I like to have the child observe a chore for a while. Then I help the child with the chore for a while, then I observe the child doing the chore and correct if needed. I finish up by giving instructions and then walking away so the child can work freely without me helicoptering around. 

 Chores for toddlers

 Chores for three year olds

 Chores for Four Year Olds


See Also:

9 Things to Know About Having Older Children


Do you ever sit back and daydream about life with older children? How life will be so much easier then? Do you look at that grass on that side of the fence and just sigh?

Okay. Life with older children is definitely different than it is with babies. It isn't necessarily easier, nor is it necessarily harder. It is different. Your take on easy or hard it is will probably vary based on your own personality and the personality of your children. Baby sleep is stressful, but so is the moral (and physical) safety of your child. Here are 9 things for you to know about having older children.

1-You Need to Pay Attention to Them
Pre-teen years are the golden years, at least in my perspective. You don't have naps. You don't have very much attitude. Your child still thinks you are the coolest and still is thrilled to spend a Friday night with the family. You have flexibility and yet maintain innocence. It is easy to kind of ignore this age group. Don't do it! Do not expect your teenager to turn to you when times get tough if you didn't maintain or build something in the preteen years. Do not pay less attention to them just because you can.

2-You Should Continue to Hug and Kiss Them
One day as I put Brayden to bed, he asked me why I didn't kiss him on the lips anymore. I hadn't even realized that had come about. I think we often as adults assume our children are trying to grow up faster than they are trying to, so we step back in an effort to give them space. Keep showing affection for your child. Be the last one to break from a hug; hug long and strong until your child lets go. Hug and kiss unless and until your child asks you not to. 

3-You Need to Teach Them to Work
Your older children aren't likely to ask you to be sure they have chores. They aren't likely to thank you for giving them jobs around the house to do. When you do give chores, however, they know they are a part of something. They know they contribute to the family and that their contributions matter. They need to learn to work and they need you to teach them by working with them. If your child had to be taught how to use the toilet, you can be sure your child wasn't born knowing how to clean the toilet. Continually add types of chores to their lives as time passes. They can learn to do the dishes. They can learn to do the laundry. Keep adding available jobs to your child's repertoire. 

4-They Need You To Follow Through On Consequences
You might think you are being super nice when you go back on a consequence, but that leaves children feeling insecure. Sure, if you overreacted and need to tone a punishment back, go for it. Verbally acknowledge that you have decided to change the original consequence. In general, however, give out consequences that are fair and then stick to them.

Something to note is that older children are very capable of helping to think of consequences that are fair. When they do something they shouldn't, ask your child what would be an appropriate consequence. This often helps them to accept the consequence with grace. I have always found that my children suggest a punishment that is bigger than I would have done myself.

5-Electronics Need to Be Limited
When you let your child play the computer, watch TV, or play apps on the smart phone, your child will be quiet and won't make a big mess. However, I have found the more screen time a child has, the more he or she is whiny and snaps at siblings and parents. Limit screen time. When you do, your child will find other ways to entertain herself. 

6-Your Child Will Do Things on Her/His Own If You Let Him/Her
Try to avoid bailing your child out. If you allow your child to have personal responsibility, she will take it. Just like the preschooler who always has her shirt put on her versus the one who is expected to put the shirt on herself, older children rise up to expectations.

Let's say she forgets her homework folder at home. You can either run the folder to school or you can not. If you run it to school, you are likely to be hearing a request to bring the homework folder to school again very soon. If you do not, then you likely won't see the folder sitting forgotten on the counter again, or at least not frequently.

This of course needs to be balanced with grace. I want my children to learn responsibility, but I also want them to learn what grace looks like. I always tell my children that I will help them out when they forget something, but if forgetting becomes a habit, they will be on their own. I am up front about this and they know. Children are humans, and humans make mistakes. They sometimes forget, just like I forget things sometimes. So I want to allow for mistakes to be made and grace to be applied. I don't want them to neglect learning responsibility, however, and that is where a balance must be struck.

I think every one of my children taps into that grace once or twice each school year, but never more than that. This also helps them to analyze the situation and access real emergencies. Sad that she forgot her library books at home? Yes, but she can bring them back next week. That isn't an emergency she needs to call me for help with. She won't get new ones this week, but this isn't a moment to freak out about and call mom for help. 

7-They Need to Be Able To Make Choices
As children get older, we have to give them more control. This is always a balancing act. This is similar to the waketime length mystery of babyhood. What is enough, what is too much, and what is too little? We can't give too much control, but we can't maintain all control, either. We have to learn how to let them have appropriate control over their lives. This means things like letting them dress themselves. It means letting them have input and even complete control over what their after-school activities are. The amount of control allowed is a trial and error process. Do your best to guess what is right and adjust as needed. Always remember you are the parent, so you get to be in charge, and you can make changes as needed.

Beyond their need within themselves to make choices, they need to learn how to make choices. This will hopefully be an extension of life as a younger child. Let your child take over making decisions. Be a guide and source of wisdom, but let your child make the choice. This is a great time to let your child make decisions and continue to learn what living with decisions looks like. 

8-You Need to Apologize When You Mess Up
You will make mistakes, just like you did when this child was a baby. When you do, apologize. Do so without offering excuses or justifications for why you did what you did. Apologize and ask forgiveness. This teaches your child that you aren't perfect, which helps your child know she doesn't have to be perfect, either. It also models to your child how to behave when he/she makes a mistake. 

9-Life Doesn't Get Less Busy With Older Children
I used to dream of when my children would get older and I would have more time. One day I saw the calendar of a mom with preteen and teenage children. I realized that day that life actually only gets busier. 

Brinley started having preschool this year, which leaves me with 6 hours a week kid-free. You probably think I have all of this free time now and that I am able to kick back, relax, and nap! I had one friend ask me if I have figured out how to fill that time yet. 

The reality is that having those 6 hours kid-free just help me to keep my head above water. I am able to stay on top of all of my commitments and responsibilities without slacking on them. I can do things like sweep the kitchen more than once a week. I have had a cookie or two in those hours over the last six weeks, but I have yet to read a book or chill in any way. 

Even though life is busier, for me, I enjoy it more. I like the variety older children bring to the days. While I am a person who loves routine, I enjoy the subtle ways my days are different now that my children are older. 

Conclusion
Now you know the secrets. You know what to daydream about. I will tell you, I have loved having older children! It is definitely a time to look forward to and a time to cherish when you are there. Life with younger children also has its wonderful perks that you fully lose when your children are older, so cherish those moments as you can. 

Independent Playtime for the School-Aged Child

Independent Playtime is one of my favorite things from Babywise. What is not to love? Your child plays for about an hour a day--alone. This gives you an extra hour of uninterrupted time to do...whatever. You also see great benefits in your child. Problem solving skills improve. Independence increases. Some children really even thrive off of that time alone (I have found those children often turn out to be introverts, and introverts just need alone time every once in a while). We put a high priority on independent play. We only miss independent play at our house if we are gone all day and don't have a way to work it in (for more on what independent play is, see my Independent Playtime Overview).

That high priority changes, however, when the child enters school daily.

When we are in half-day school (Kindergarten for us), we often still have independent playtime. It does decrease from a definite daily thing and becomes more sporadic. We will miss it if we have a friend over to play. We might miss if rest time is needed instead. We might even miss just because we are spending time together. What we used to do in a full day is now in a half of a day, so there are days when we just need to cut something. We still do it most days, but it isn't absolutely every day. I am very flexible in missing it. It is still our norm, but we are fine missing it. 

Once we enter full day school, however, independent play becomes the exception rather than the norm. We do not do it on school days. My kids are in school all day long. They are also getting older and more involved in things, so they have things like lessons or practice or games in those evenings they are home each day. We also have homework, dinner,  and family time to work in, so independent play takes a backseat--like, third row backseat. We do still do it every Sunday consistently. This is very handy for my husband and I in getting ready for church. We will do it on Saturdays if they ask (but Saturday is an optional day for pretty much all ages over 2 so this isn't different). It is just no longer a part of our every day routine.

If you homeschool, I imagine independent play would be invaluable to you. It could be used as a time for one child to be away and occupied while you work with another or as a time for the older child to be away and occupied while a younger child naps so you can think a coherent sentence without being interrupted. If I homeschooled, independent play would be a part of our norm each day.

Independent play is a great tool in the summer months and long school breaks. Just because you don't do it regularly through the school year doesn't mean you can't reinstate it when you need ti. Having independent play each day during summer and long breaks helps separate children and cuts down on the chances of them bickering and complaining of being bored. 

Despite the fact that we don't do independent play daily with our older children, I am so glad we put the effort into it with our younger children. It is still a tool we can call on when we need to. Since it was a part of their daily life for so many years, it is no big deal now. It also was a great avenue for them learning so much. The benefits of independent play are real and I have seen them come to fruition. Beyond benefits I have talked about, I have seen that it really helps my children be comfortable in their own skin. They are content being in the company of themselves. They take with them to school that confidence, along with their focusing skills, sustained attention spans, creativity, and more. So it was absolutely worth all of the effort we put in with them as babies and young toddlers. 

As life changes, your daily schedule changes. Continue to use tools as necessary, but don't be afraid to change those tools or shelf tools as needed, either. 

For more on independent play, see these posts:

Independent Playtime Overview

Benefits of Independent Play

Implementing Independent Play

It is Babywise Friendly Blog Network week! You will be hearing from these lovely ladies this week, all on the topic of play:

Private Interviews with Children


Each week, we set aside one night that is our family night. We call this Family Home Evening. This year, we have started a new tradition. The first week of the month, we are doing private interviews during our family home evening. One by one, my husband takes each child, including Brinley (age 2), into a room in our home and conducts an interview with the child. During each interview, I play a game with the other three children. 

A private interview is a great time to encourage children. It gives the parent an opportunity to ask questions and to share testimony. 

Why do interviews?
I want my children to know that we will be regularly asking questions of them. I want them to know that at some point, they will be asked about a variety of pointed topics that they will need to answer. I figure starting at the younger ages will mean that when they are older and I really want these interviews happening, the interviews will just be a part of life. So far, my children all love it. 

Who does the interviews?
It can really be either parent. My husband does the interviews for two reasons. One is that I feel like I talk to the children regularly already. This is an opportunity for him to stay in touch with what is going on in life and to also develop a special bond with them. Another reason is he is the head of our household. Now, I am all for strong women and girl power and all that. Being the head doesn't mean he is the final word (or only word); it is serving as Christ served and serves. It is loving and protecting and providing. These interviews definitely do not need to be done by the father; it can be the mother instead. You could take turns. For us, we do father.

Who should be interviewed?
My husband does everyone from Brayden, our oldest age 9, on down to Brinley, our youngest age 2. Brinley's are short :). Even if your child can't talk, you can take the child into the room and share your thoughts and feelings about the child and say a prayer with the child. 

What is talked about in an interview?
  • I think it is wise to include prayer in the interview. They start with a prayer and end with a prayer. My husband says one prayer and the child says the other. 
  • The child should be able to talk about any topic. Any subject, problem, experience, or concern should be freely spoken of. It is important to take these concerns seriously. Do not brush them off or tell them their concerns seem big now but someday they will be small. As humans, we learn line upon line. Many of our own concerns now as adults will seem small in retrospect. That doesn't mean they are small now, and the same is true for your children. If you dismiss their concerns, they will have less reason to share their concerns. 
  • You can ask about how relationships are going. How are sibling relationships? Friends? Teachers? Peers?
  • To prompt them to talk, my husband asks questions about what they are involved in. He asks how school is and who they play with at recess. This can lead to other questions coming up naturally. He asks about each activity they are involved in.
  • My husband has the child set at least one goal to work on for the month. He asks them if there is anything they want to improve on. He wants it to be their own idea and not him telling them what to improve on. At the next interview, they review the goal and talk about how it is coming. He lets the children set their own goals, though he will help guide them to certain goals if he has seen a need. If they have a hard time, he will bring up anything that has come up in the interview. "Do you think there is anything you might want to improve with your siblings at home?"
  • My husband always shares things he appreciates about the child. He shares how he feels about them and things they are good at. 
Conclusion
A private interview is a great way to establish a time and place your child can share private concerns. It is a great time for you to ask those hard questions (has anyone tried to show you anything inappropriate at school? What will you do if they do?). It is a great time to connect to your child and share your testimony with your child. We have loved this new tradition, and I can tell it really makes my children feel an extra dose of "you are loved." 

Teaching Children to Speak Nicely and Honestly {THINK}


Children are naturally honest people when they first enter this world. As parents, we have to figure out how to keep our child from doing things like walking up to that guy in the restaurant and asking him why his tummy is so fat (real experience here). It is a difficult thing to teach a child about tact while still requiring honesty in life.


Some children are naturally more black and white than others. Some have a natural ability to hone in on the feelings of others. Some are far more naturally socially aware than others. Some are able to think things without needing to express them at high volume. In other words, some seem to have better social skills than their parents while others need a fair amount of coaching.

So how do you teach a child to speak honestly but also with kindness? How do you teach the concept of tact? How do you get a child to read a social situation and understand that not all things NEED to be said?

An important step is to teach your child to love others and how to show love. Another is to teach your child to think about how they would feel if the situation were reversed. That can work for a lot of kids.

But there is still a category of people out there who are basically like defenders of truth, and truth is truth no matter the consequences. I fall into this category, and my son Brayden (age 8) does, also. If he is aware of something being spouted off as truth when he knows it is not true, it is basically impossible for him to stop himself from saying so. He is a frank person and always has been. And I so get it. It is still hard for me to hear someone say something that isn't true and not correct them. I have to have internal dialogue to stop myself from saying things that don't need to be said. And those moments I have to talk myself down are basically seared in my brain for years. It is very difficult for me to let untrue things be documented--no matter how trivial.

I have tried explaining to Brayden about understanding when to say something and when not to. But here is the thing. This is a gender stereotype, but we all are aware that men and women are different. We see things differently, and men have a very different perception of feelings than women do. There are some tactless women and some sensitive men, but by and large, females are naturally better at figuring out what does and does not hurt feelings than males are. I naturally have always had more understanding of how others are feeling than Brayden does. So my efforts in helping Brayden learn to read when to say something and when not weren't really a fast solution. I totally believe he can improve his ability to read people and with life experience realize what you should and should not say to people, but until then, he needs a mechanism that helps him NOW.

Then I found this fabulous acronym. THINK.

Before you speak, THINK. Is it:
True?
Helpful?
Inspiring?
Necessary?
Kind?

This has been so, so helpful. Almost everything Brayden wants to say to people is true. That isn't an issue. Some might find this acronym helpful if they have a child who likes to toy with the honesty line.

The helpful question is one that can be debated. To someone who is a black and white person, the truth is always helpful.

Inspiring is a great question. Does it help the person to be better in some way? This can be debated also with the black and white person, but it will cut back some comments.

Is it necessary. This is a the most helpful one for us. Does it need to be said? Naturally, to the black and white thinker, there is some level of need there because the truth needs to be known. But a black and white thinker can also analyze and decide rather honestly if what they are about to say is necessary in the moment. They can remove themselves from it being "necessary because it is true" and look at it as "necessary in the context of the situation."

Another great one is the kind. How will it make the person feel. Usually you won't make it to kind if the comment wasn't necessary. Brayden is a kind person and he does not want to hurt feelings. Just focusing on the kindness wasn't enough, but having those other four steps before the kind makes him analyze it more accurately.

I love this acronym for several reasons. One is a comment has a rigorous five-step qualification process it must pass before it gets said. Another is when he forgets to check his comments, I can simply say, "Think" to him and he immediately knows what I mean. I don't have to give him a lecture, embarrass him in front of people, or pull him aside for a talk. I can say, "think" and he knows what I mean and he can change.

Finally, I love it because sometimes hard things do need to be said. Sometimes we really need to say things even if it isn't what another person wants to hear. We can form what we need to say into being phrased in a kind way. We can stand firmly on our moral ground and position. And maybe some people would find this acronym helpful for a people-pleasing child who is prone to say whatever the person wants to hear rather than what the person needs to hear.

This has been a very handy tool for us. Give it a try!

Triad Communication {Getting Kids to Talk}

source
The talking ways of children is such a roller coaster ride. First, you can't wait for that first little word. You are waiting in line just excited about that ride to start. Their first word is uttered and your ride begins! You slowly climb to the top. Then they start to add sentences and you are so excited! That initial thrill of going down that first hill...Then the talking seems to never, ever (ever) cease. You start to wish there was less talking. The roller coaster ride is fun, but you can't possibly enjoy it all day every day. Every. Single. Day. All day.

The day comes when your child hits a point where the incessant talking does stop. Your ride suddenly ends. And you want it back. And the entrance to the ride is blocked--no simple line to wait in anymore. You know your child has complex thoughts going on in his head and you want him to confide those with you. You desperately want that ride back!

You can get your child to revert back to the non-stop talking of 3-4 year olds. You can get back on that ride. And the best part is that as an older child, the ride seems to last an appropriate length. It leaves you satisfied, thrilled, and wanting more all at the same time. But the trick is finding your way back into that line. 

When you want your child to open up and talk to you, you need time on your side. You need to spend a good amount of time with the child before the child will start spilling forth all of his thoughts. 

There is a trick I call "triad communication." Triad communication is your entrance into the line for that roller coaster ride. Triad communication is simply you communicating with your child while doing a third activity. This can be as simple as washing dishes, going for a walk, or coloring. All people are more likely to open up and talk if there is that "third wheel" so to speak. It is easier for a person to share his or her thoughts and feelings when he can focus on something other than just the emotions and the talking. 

This trick is true of any gender. I find it most helpful, however, on my son. In my house, I have two who are past the age of endless talking, one taking me on the ever-lasting ride, and one slowly taking me up that first hill. 

The line for Brayden's roller coaster ride is longer than it is for my daughter. He is stereotypical male in his desire to sit and "visit about his feelings"--in other words, he doesn't want to. There is nothing about that that is appealing to him. The best way for me to get him to talk is to spend time with him doing things.

And this is why certain things like one-on-one dates and chores around the house are so incredibly valuable. Not only is your child getting some good time with mom or dad and/or learning important life skills, but the child is allowing you into line to ride the roller coaster. Some children will open up faster than others. Some will need a couple of hours of working on something before he suddenly decides to start sharing everything that is going on in his head.

I have a good friend who does one-on-one dates with her children. Her oldest is a boy of 11 years old. She has told me that when she does dates with him, she will start with an activity like bowling. They go an bowl and have fun. Then they go to dinner. She says at dinner, he will open up and talk freely. She told me that if she reverses the activity and starts with dinner, he is not talkative. 

If you want to get your child to talk to you, the approach is not to sit on the couch and face each other and say, "How are you feeling today?" The approach also is not "I have 15 minutes to get some good talking in then I need to get back to XYZ." On Monday this week I posted about Sacrifices and Investment. This is one of those situations where you sacrifice in order to invest. You sacrifice your time now in order to invest into having a relationship where your child is comfortable confiding in you.

Here are some ideas for you to create situations that lend themselves to triad communication. Not every activity will be beneficial to every child. A child who doesn't particularly enjoy art projects isn't likely to open up while you color together. Try different things to see what works for your child. Find the right thing and you will be in line for that ride of communication:
  • Cooking: We rotate through and have one child help with dinner each night. Cooking or baking is a great way to create a triad communication situation. One trick, though, is to maintain patience through the mess that is sure to be created. Your child will not open up if you are freaking out about spilled flour.
  • Chores: Do chores with your child. Clean a bathroom together. Wash windows together. Shovel the driveway together. Rake leaves together. Weed the garden together. Make beds together. There are plenty of things you can do together.
  • Teach Skills: You can teach your child new skills as your child is old enough. I know my husband enjoyed working in the garage with his dad. It was a time he learned to work on cars and engines and it provided lots of time for talking.
  • Date Night: Go on dates. Make the date long enough the child will have time to relax and then open up (the length of time will depend on the child). 
  • Run Errands: Take just one child out to run errands.
  • Read One-on-One: We read to each child individually each night. This gives one-on-one time with the child to allow for conversation. I find children are often more interested in talking right before bed. I don't know if it is a stall tactic or something about the time of day, but it is a great time to get kids talking.
  • Get Active: Go for walks. Play basketball. Ride bikes. Do something active together.
  • Do Art Projects: Sit down and color together or do some other art project.
There are so many possible ways to make this happen. They can be a part of your daily, normal life so long as you don't overschedule your family. Make it a priority to be able to have time with your child where talking can happen if your child wants it to. You will be amazed at the power triad communication can have. Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Oh, and a little marriage tip, you can also try this on your husband ;)


Scheduling Homework Time/Piano Practice Time/etc.


When Brayden and Kaitlyn were both young (Kaitlyn was a baby), I sat in a meeting with moms in various stages of life (we all were in a presidency together over the teenage girls in our church). We were planning an activity. I watched a mom with teenagers pull out her calendar to see if she was available that day. I kid you not, every square inch of that calendar was filled in. I commented, "Oh, so I guess as your kids get older, you don't get more time, huh?" She laughed and said, "No, you don't."

Well, that changed my future plans some. Here I was dreaming of the day I would have more time to do all of these things I wanted to. And I now hear that when your children grow up and move out, they are even harder than when they lived with you...I am still asking opinions on this one (so far, all affirmative) and wrapping my head around it. 

So maybe you never get this time I dream of. That was a fanciful object I experienced before I ever bore my first child.

As my children have grown (now 8, 6, 4, and 1), I have seen that yes, it is true that I do not have more time now. As an 8 year old, Brayden does not take up less of my time than he did as a 2 year old. You have the normal time you would spend with a child, you have teaching how to clean or cook, you have listening to descriptions of the latest Lego creation, you have driving to and watching sporting events and other extra curriculars, you have helping in school, you have helping with homework, you have helping practice piano, you have playing catch...it all takes time.

There are certain things you do that require time and require some real focus from you as a parent, like homework and piano. These are moments when it is helpful if you can focus in on the one child. So how do you provide the help each child needs while still parenting the others?

First, I must say, if you are paying for your child to take some sort of lessons, it only makes sense that you have your child practice. I know my children's piano teacher has students who don't practice at all. What is the point in paying for lessons if you don't do the work you need to do to learn? Students who don't practice progress so slowly that they often end up dropping out at some point. So making sure this practicing happens is important. 

SCHEDULE IT
This is really an extension of all of the scheduling practice you got when they were younger. I remember juggling naps and independent play...now I juggle homework, piano practice, driving kids places, and so forth while still having to juggle those naps and independent play.

So first, pick the time of day you are going to do whatever it is your child needs help with. Before school? After school? After dinner? Do what works for your family. Have it be part of your routine. 

A note on scheduling, I find it works best for our family to do these things first. Just like chores, we get the homework and practicing done before we start playing. It is so much easier for a child to find motivation when they have playing to look forward to than it is to interrupt play to do work. 

Your child might need a snack before you start homework or practice. If so, do it. Hungry children are grumpy, distracted, emotional, and non-compliant.

SCHEDULE OTHER KIDS AROUND IT
This is probably the biggest concern of people--how to manage the other children while one child needs your full attention.

Schedule your other kids around it! 

If you have a baby, have this practice/homework/whatever time happen during a nap of baby's.

You can have the other children:
  • Nap
  • Have Rest Time
  • Color or draw
  • Do other table time activities
  • Have Independent Playtime
  • Have Sibling Playtime
  • Have TV Time
  • Read
  • INSERT YOUR IDEA HERE
All you need is to have an explicit activity that your child is supposed to be doing.

WORK TOWARD INDEPENDENCE
Do not hover over your child as your child does his homework or practices his instrument/sport/whatever. Be close and ready to help if needed, but you want your child to be able to work independently as soon as possible. You will need to check homework and correct notes/form sometimes, yes. But you don't need to guide the child through every problem and note on a regular basis. 

Having your child be relatively independent in these activities makes it so when the next child comes along and starts school or music lessons or a sport and needs your attention and help, you can offer it without completely overwhelming yourself. You can also get to the point where one does homework while one does piano and you can help as needed.

I usually clean something or cook something while they are working on whatever they are working on. Sometimes I read or just plan things. These are activities I find I can usually step away from quickly and easily. I don't want to be totally wrapped up in something and unable to help when needed, but I also want to be distracted enough I don't turn into helicopter mom.

MAINTAIN FLEXIBILITY
With children one or older, you can be pretty consistent and predictable. With a baby, however, you have growth spurts and random wakings to work around. Have a "Plan B" if the baby is not cooperative during your regularly scheduled homework/practice time. It is much easier to meet disruptions with grace when you have a game plan. 

Having a plan B will also help you prevent that moment the next morning when you are walking out the door and suddenly remember your child never did homework the night before...never a fun realization. 


When is your homework/practice time? What are your tips for making this work?

Our Chores for 5-8 Year Olds

Here are our ideas for what we think our kids can do at certain ages for the ages of 5-8 range (as old as my children get right now). To see the years 1-4, see Our Family Plan. I will add this info to that post, as well. These lists are adding to those lists, so if you don't see something you think a five year old should be doing, it might be on those lists. Also, I don't think this is an all encompassing list that universally will work for every child, every culture, and every family. This is just to give you some ideas.
source

A note on this age range. This is the age range most children in the USA start a team sport. Even if your child does not aspire to be an athlete some day, playing a team sport can teach great things. You don't have to start in this age range, but it is something to consider.

Another thing commonly done in this age range is the start of a musical instrument. My children start piano at age five. That is younger than most do it. It is something else to consider. 

If these things are in your long-term goals and in your value system, watch for your child to be ready to take on these responsibilities and activities. 

The things listed here are things I want them to be able to do during that year sometime. So it isn't that a five year old is able to do all of these things as soon as they turn five, but that I make sure during the fifth year, these things are mastered. We start teaching at the birthday and I want them to be able to do them by age six.

I got many of the ideas on these lists from The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan to Teach Kids to Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent by Merrilee Boyack


FIVE YEARS OLD
This is a year to really focus on teaching your child to function independent of you. Your child needs to have responsibility for herself, her jobs, and her things. Keep that in mind this year.
  • Straighten a room alone when told to
  • Empty garbage cans (our kids have all actually started this as 3 year olds)
  • Clear table after meals (our kids also started this as a 3 year old, but at five, this can be done more independently)
  • Make lunch for self
  • Be responsible for pet (with your reminders!)
  • My son has been able to shower independently by this age. Girls can do everything but hair (a girl might be able to do her hair with short hair--long hair is too much I think).
  • Water plants
  • Memorize phone number
  • Memorize address
  • Make sure they know your full name
  • Start putting away laundry that can be reached

SIX YEARS OLD
Your six year old should be able to be quite independent. 
  • Load dishwasher
  • Continue to unload more things from dishwasher as he grows
  • Warm up canned food
  • Clean sinks
  • Learn to run microwave
  • Learn to make and answer phone calls (and yes, many kids need to actually be taught phone etiquette)
  • Floss teeth

SEVEN YEARS OLD
This year is not a huge leap--the child simply continues to be able to add on personal responsibility and take control of tasks himself.
  • Wash dishes by hand
  • Pull weeds (effectively...)
  • Do own hair (again, Brayden could at 7; Kaitlyn is 6 now and I will still need to help with many things. But as a 6 year old, she is learning to comb her hair own her own so that it is smooth and she has super long hair).
  • Put all of own laundry away.
  • Wrap gifts

EIGHT YEARS OLD
This is a big year; this is a year we will be turning over even more personal responsibility and also adding some personal responsibility spiritually. 
  • Clean toilets
  • Clip own fingernails
  • Wake up on own (with alarm if not a natural riser)
  • Clean mirrors
  • Start personal scripture study
  • Use stove top

Kindertude

What is Kindertude? It is a word I made up to define the attitude a Kindergartner gets when he/she starts school.

I remember when Brayden was a one year old and many of my friends had children starting Kindergarten. I remember them talking about the attitude that crept up. 

Flash forward to when Brayden started Kindergarten. Pretty quickly, he started an attitude. It was an attitude of that seemed to be saying, "I have now realized that I can be independent of the home. I have also realized I am pretty smart, and that there are other smart people besides you, mom and dad." 

I recalled those days when Brayden was young and consulted with my friends with older children. Was this normal? Did you see this happening with your child? I got a response 100% in the affirmative.

I don't remember exactly when he snapped out of it, but I do know that by first grade, it was gone. I think maybe first grade is a bit more humbling. Kindergartners are more protected from the big kids of the school (at least with half day kindergarten). In first grade, they eat lunch with the big kids, have recesses with the big kids, and all around realize they aren't so big after all.

Now let's flash forward to Kaitlyn. Her Kindertude has been more magnified than Brayden's. Hers has extended into being very impatient at times with younger siblings (ahem, McKenna) at home. Not only does she have the "I am so smart" thing going on, but she puts more pressure on herself to be perfectly behaved. She is also very aware of proper social manners, where Brayden is pretty oblivious, and I think it is exhausting for her to be so "on" for school. So far as I am aware, Kaitlyn hasn't made one social mistake at school. She is on her best behavior at all times. Her teacher is always telling me how great she is, helpful she is, good she is...I think she just gets tired.

So why does this happen? I don't know exactly, but I can give some ideas:
  • Here is an interesting thing. Neither of my children had this issue in preschool. Both went to preschool three days a week for several hours each day and never picked up the "kindertude." So I think part of this must be caused by it being an age thing. In other words, it is partially developmental.
  • You child realizes there is a big world outside the home. Her world is expanding and she is figuring out how to manage all of that in her head.
  • Your child is starting to grow up, but still wrestling with the desire to just be a kid. She wants to be more grown up, but wants to be (and IS) a kid. The good side of this transition is your child will learn to be more responsible and will be more responsible at home if you encourage, comment on, and thank for that behavior.
  • Outside influence. There are always those things kids can pick up from other kids. My children have yet to come home with some major issue they have picked up. They are small things. I take it as an opportunity to reinforce what they have learned in the home and to teach the importance of "right is right even if no one else is doing it."
  • Feeling "wise in her own eyes." Your child might feel like a big girl now that she does this all important thing of leaving the house each day. 
What can you do about it?
  • Have some patience. To an extent, this is normal for the age. That doesn't mean you let her talk back to you or be grumpy at home. It just means you don't take it personally and don't freak out that your child is morphing into something.
  • Maintain structure at home. Still have independent playtime when able, rest time when able, chores each day. Keep a routine at home.
  • Have free play. In your routine, make time for creative and free play. Your child will not have a lot of play at school, so make sure you have that in her day so she is well-balanced.
  • Encourage childhood. Keep your expectations of your child appropriate for her age. Remember the funnel. Keep her in her funnel. Make sure she knows you are okay with her being a child right now. 
  • Teach her well at home so she is less inclined to pick up on bad habits. When she does, gently remind her of appropriate behavior. 
  • Talk to her about her day. Spend some time with her each day when she comes home (or as soon as you can after she comes home) talking about what she did and how she felt. Many times, children are more willing to talk if you are doing another activity, like folding laundry, washing dishes, baking cookies, coloring, etc. It is less intimidating than sitting and being stared down by a parent. 
  • Remind your child when her behavior is not okay. Be compassionate, "I know you are very tired from being at school, but you do not get to treat your sister that way." Remember to be positive, directive, and to use the virtue rather than the vice. Here are some related posts: Teach What is Right, Not Just What is Wrong, Childwise Principle Four: Instill Morality and Behavior Will Follow, and The Golden Rule (and the Platinum Rule). 
Your child will not keep the Kindertude forever. As she gets older, realizes she isn't so "big" after-all, and as you guide her through it, she will  get back to her normal self. 

Homeschooling

This is a guest post from Raegan (you know--the  Chronic 45 Minute Naps and Chronic 45 Minute Naps: One Year Later author). Raegan and I have come to be good friends over the years. Her oldest is just a bit younger than Kaitlyn. Raegan will be homeschooling this year. I always find Raegan to be completely sensible in her decision making. She thinks things through well and takes a path of pondering and prayer. I knew she would be the right one to write on considerations for homeschooling. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For as long as I can remember, I always assumed my kids would start Kindergarten in a public school. I did, my husband did, and I taught Kindergarten and first grade in the public school system before becoming a stay-at-home mom. For us, the dilemma was always whether to send her to Kindergarten at age 5 or age 6 since she has a summer birthday. As time grew closer, I began weighing whether or not to send her at age 5. So I started researching, paying attention to close friends and neighbors (and their children), and asking questions. 

My choices widened with options: public school at 5 or 6, private school (too expensive), a school with a blend of homeschool and private (still too expensive), and homeschooling. I knew the least about homeschooling, so I dove in! I read online, looked at statistics, and asked a million questions to those few I knew that homeschooled. As I researched, I felt increasingly pulled towards homeschooling, not only for academic reasons but personal, religious, and social reasons. There was this nagging feeling that I’m not finished sowing seeds in my children. Parents are never really finished, but I feel like the time to give another person/place thirty (or more) hours a week to sow into my children has not come yet.

BENEFITS
There were a lot of benefits to homeschooling. I could see their weaknesses and move slower if needed. I could also play into strengths and add depth, speed, or more ‘weight to the bar.’ We could do our schooling in the morning and take a field trip the day lessons coincide. I can bring our lessons to the Botanical Gardens, zoo, Aquarium, beach, on vacation. I get to teach life skills like folding, laundry, clipping coupons, making grocery lists, managing money, caring for pets, interacting with adults in stores, patience during appointments, the importance of working together, and so much more. Yes, I’ve been trying to do that all along, but I’m excited to see that now the understanding of a school aged child will merge with accomplishing these things together daily. My five year old understands the importance of teamwork much more than my three year old, I and I have the privilege to continue to develop these areas.

POSSIBLE DOWNSIDES
I had questions, I had concerns, but after my prayer and weighing, my husband and I decided that homeschooling was the route for us, for now.  So we decided…and then came the questions (and opinions, as it is with any choice).

*Isn’t it sheltering your child too much from the real world? You can’t protect them forever! True, we cannot protect them forever. But our job as parents is to discern when they are ready. You put a child on a bike without training wheels when they are ready (either ready for the push or ready by their own growth and initiative) not when they are a certain age. For us, we are taking homeschooling year by year.

*Won’t they miss out on parties, school buses, and the cafeteria fun?  Again, we had to weigh it. This is part of the reason we enrolled our kids in a local homeschool co-op, to be around other kids one day a week, to have field trips with those kids, and to grow up with a familiar group. And like any group of kids, they will not be immune from conflict, the need for conflict resolution, decision making, and personal behavior management.

*What about socialization? I really believe that is a main concern for many people when they consider (or know someone considering) homeschooling. Like I mentioned above, we joined a co-op partly for socialization. My kids also have other siblings, plus other homeschooling families we get together with during the week, church, Sunday school, dance/tumbling/swim, family get togethers (large and small). I’ve heard it commented that in some ways it can be a benefit to socialization because only during the school years do people spend 30+ hours a week with only people their own age. I can see the benefits to socializing with groups that are diverse in age.

*How can I manage schooling for my older child and manage younger children at home too?  There is LOTS of help out there regarding this issue. For me, I can utilize tools I already have been using: independent play, siblings playing together, educational DVDs, and joint learning. For instance, many of the activities I will be doing with my Kindergartener, my preschooler can listen and participate in, too. For my toddler, he can color, sit and look at books, or play with his cars and trucks. We’ve worked on his sitting skills for a long time now, so this shouldn’t be a huge issue. I also needed my friends to remind me that just like public school, I’m not teaching the entire time. I teach, we practice, and then they complete independent work with me close by for answering and helping. While she is working independently, I can help my younger children.

IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS
Before beginning a homeschool journey, I do think it’s important to consider a few points. For each person the answer (and the importance of the question) will vary, but these were key for me to answer honestly, putting all superhero “I can do it no matter what” ego issues aside.

*The time commitment- Though it isn’t huge at first, it is an adjustment if you aren’t used to setting a decent amount of time aside for learning.

*Commitment to learning- My goal is to teach my children to love to learn, to be lifelong learners. Learning and discovery can be fun, and it should be. It takes time for me to prepare. (Side note: I prepared the first week of Kindergarten starting next week. It took me 30 minutes to prep the entire week. And saying I have a passion for teaching is putting it mildly, so it isn’t a huge time commitment unless you intend to generate all the curricula yourself.)

*You don’t have to say you’ll homeschool through high school. In general I like to make decisions that are concrete, so having a start and end date works for me. Not in this case, however. I plan on tracking her academic, social, emotional maturity progression to make that evaluation year by year.

*For me, if I’m saying that I’m taking this responsibility that means I’m saying that I can do it just as well or better than public school. It doesn’t mean that you need to have a teaching degree to do it. I am the only homeschooling parent that I know that actually does have a degree in education. There is a lot (a ton) of premade curricula out there. It takes a little passion and some willingness.

CONCLUSION
I don’t see a lot of negatives when it comes to homeschooling as long as kids have a chance to be around other kids and learn some conflict mediation through natural trials in life. Academically overall homeschool children outperform public school children in testing (there are always exceptions). 

To quote a family member of mine, “They aren’t going to be weird are they?” I guess if I’m weird, they will be too. J We have the saying ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’ for a reason. The negatives I could find were less geared towards my children and more for me and other adults. Remember not to stereotype; every homeschool kid is no stranger than every private school kid is spoiled and every public school kid is wild. I won’t judge you for choosing public school and you won’t judge me for homeschooling; we are both choosing what we think is best for our children. And lastly, especially me, try not to feel the need to justify choosing homeschool every time I get that funny look.

I am so excited to get the opportunity to teach my children more than just academics as they learn from home this year. I look forward to seeing them succeed firsthand, to work on weaknesses and tap into their strengths. It’s an honor to live in a country that let us all choose what our family needs.