Showing posts with label activities. Show all posts

Choosing a Coach/Teacher...How to Find the Right Fit

I look back on it as one of my biggest parenting mistakes ever. Perhaps it is my worst mistake. At the time, I wasn't sure what was the best thing to do. As I reflect, I regret the way things panned out. I regret the path I allowed my child to take. Or the path I left my child on, rather.

Kaitlyn was in first grade. She had taken dance since she was three years old and had always loved it. While we loved the studio we were at while she was young, Kaitlyn proved to outgrow it. At the end of her Kindergarten year, we decided it was time for more challenge.

After some asking around, we settled on a studio that had been open for 30 plus years. I heard great things. Soon after starting the dance year, Kaitlyn started to express dislike for dancing. This was quite the shock since she had always loved it. I decided to hang around dance instead of dropping her off and running errands. I couldn't go in the room, but I could sit in the waiting room and from there, I could hear everything.

What I heard was shocking. The teacher was unkind, to put it mildly. She told these little six year olds things like "That wasn't good enough!" and "If you aren't good enough, you can't be on the front row!" "We will do this over and over until every person has it perfect!" These things were all said in a gruff tone. I wouldn't have been happy with the way the teacher was talking to the girls under any circumstance, but this was a recreation class of 15 six year old girls. They were not competitive dancers.

Kaitlyn is a peacemaker who does not like conflict. Her way of dealing with conflict is to avoid it. She wanted to avoid it by quitting dance.

I hoped Kaitlyn would be put on the front row so I could go complain to the studio owner about this teacher. I knew if I complained after she had been put on the back row I would look like a disgruntled parent.

The next week, the girls were placed and Kaitlyn was put in the front and middle. Hurray! But I discovered a major road block. This mean teacher was the studio owner's daughter. I felt stuck. I decided against saying anything.

And that is my moment of regret. I regret not going to the studio owner to stand up for my daughter. I was not alone. The class was full of parents who were upset and frustrated. We sat by week after week while our girls were verbally abused by this teacher. By the end of the year, only 5 of the 15 girls were willing to continue dancing at that studio. Most were unwilling to continue dancing at all. Kaitlyn was one of them.

The interesting thing is that McKenna also danced at this studio. She also had a daughter of the owner. McKenna's dance experience was very different. She LOVED her teacher and her teacher was so sweet. She loved dance.

But I couldn't risk one of my daughter's getting the mean teacher again, so we jumped studios. I apologized to Kaitlyn and promised to never leave her in a situation like that again.

I talked Kaitlyn into trying dance one more year on the condition that it would be a different studio. Within a month of being there, Kaitlyn begged to add a second dance class. This is the girl who was ready to quit dance and walk away forever. As a third grader now, she still takes dance and absolutely loves it!

The business you send your child to and the teacher/coach your child has are both HUGE contributors to the quality of experience your child will have. Those two factors will determine if your child enjoys the activity or not.

It isn't a simple thing to teach or coach a child. You need to be in control, yet have love and respect for the students. You need to expect the best from the child, but not perfection. You need to encourage and uplift. You need to believe in the child. You also need to push the child. The child will not enjoy it deeply if the child is not pushed to try harder and be better. Who your child has as a coach or teacher does matter.

Your child's teacher or coach will shape your child's view of work ethic and effort. McKenna takes gymnastics. In her gymnastics experience, she changes coaches every time she moves up a level and also each summer and each new school year. She has had coaches who pass off anything close and coaches who will only pass off perfection. Some coaches are noticeably better at getting the children to do their best and learn the most they can. She has had coaches who really seem like a waste of time and money.

The right coach or teacher is a big deal. Not only does your child learn about the sport/instrument/etc. from that person, but life lessons. So how do you find the right fit? And what do you do if the fit is not good?

1-Ask Around

Ask your friends and neighbors where they recommend. Ask people who are similar to yourself or who have children with similar dispositions. If you are type A and ask your type B neighbor, she will have a different measuring stick than you will.

2-Ask Questions

When you are considering a coach, studio, or teacher, treat it like a job interview. Ask their policies on dress, attendance, behavior, skills, etc. Ask about philosophies and goals. When Kaitlyn wanted to start playing competitive soccer, my husband talked extensively with her potential coach. After talking with him, Nate felt good about him. Nate felt the coach's values, goals, and coaching style were in line with what we wanted. We have not been disappointed!

3-Test Run

Once you have a good feel for who you might like, give it a test run. Many studios have summer camps. This is a great way to try a place out without committing to a full year. Some places allow you to try a class out before committing. Our gymnastics gym is this way. My children have been able to try a class 1-2 times before deciding if they want to do it.

4-Decide on Quitting Policy

Most things start out fun, but once the honeymoon wears off, there can be a "I don't want to!" come from your child. Most adults I know who were above-average good at something wanted to quit at one point and their parents wouldn't let them. In general, it is wise to have a "no-quitting" policy. You can reevaluate at a natural break--like in between seasons or before a new payment is due.

5-But Have Flexibility

We are big on no-quitting. What I didn't do with Kaitlyn was allow for extenuating circumstances. In retrospect, I should have looked around for a studio that would have accepted her halfway through the year (many do) and moved as soon as the winter recital was done. I knew it was a bad situation, I knew she had always loved dance, and I knew she was not being lazy or dramatic.

6-Have Patience for Volunteers

If you are having frustration with a volunteer coach for a recreational sport like soccer or basketball, have some patience for the coach. It is very easy to sit on the sidelines and criticize a coach's decisions. Being a coach means you have a lot to think about all at once and it is harder to focus on your players and the game before you while also taking a step back and think things through. If you don't like it, resolve to be the coach next time.

I actually think anyone who complains about a volunteer should step in and do the job the next time. People will usually stop complaining once they realize what it is like to do the job.

You even need to have patience for those getting paid sometimes. At our current dance studio, they have been open for only a few years. There are growing pains associated with a start-up. I have recognized they are figuring some things out, and the owners have recognized those things also. They are evolving and changing and going through trial and error. In the meantime, the dance instruction is great and Kaitlyn loves to dance, so we can be patient with things like revues that go way too long while they get it figured out.

7-Do Address Problems

Like I said, I regret not sticking up for Kaitlyn when she was in that situation in dance. I did what I thought was best at the time. I view that teacher as a bully and often bullies make life harder on whistle blowers. I didn't want her making things even more miserable for Kaitlyn because her mom complained.

Since then, however, I have not hesitated to go to an authority over a teacher if I feel the teacher is out of line. It has only happened once since then and the outcome was positive. Don't let every bad look ruffle your Mama feathers. Your child isn't perfect and neither is your child's teacher. Only address real problems, not every time an ego is hurt.

8-Recognize Growing Opportunities

In life, we deal with difficult people and difficult situations. Learning to deal with those can be a great time to help your child grow. Don't rescue your child from every teacher or coach who isn't perfect. Give the situation a fair shot and only take action when your child is being negatively impacted in a long-term way. Children need to learn who to handle personality conflicts. If your child is in a short-term activity, like a sport that lasts two months, I would recommend just sticking it out unless you think it is really super damaging.

9-Assess Regularly

After each session of whatever you are doing ends, evaluate the situation. Is your child's piano teacher still a good fit? If not, find a new one. Like I said, we initially loved Kaitlyn's first dance studio. It was a great studio for a young dancer. She got to the point, however, that she outgrew it. She needed more of a challenge.

Conclusion

In the end, you want a teacher or coach who will inspire your child to love the activity. You want your child to learn and grow, but you don't want your child pushed so hard that your child loses a love for the activity. Do your homework and trust your gut.

Today the ladies from the BFBN are talking about different aspects of trusting your children in the care of others. Go visit their blogs to read more!

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Competitive Sports for Kids {the Good, Bad, and Real}

Competitive sports for children are starting younger and younger. More children are starting playing competitive sports and younger ages and more leagues are dropping the age minimum for playing on a competitive level. So is playing a competitive sport good or bad? What is the reality of playing competitively?

Our experience with competitive sports so far is limited with only two children being old enough to participate. Brayden swims competitively and plays in a competitive basketball league. Kaitlyn plays competitive soccer.

Now, there are things McKenna could be doing competitively. She could be doing dance or cheer. She is almost ready to do swimming. She is approaching the skills needed for gymnastics. But she is 6, and for our family, we have decided 6 is too young to commit to something on a competitive level. My main reason for that thinking is that I want my children to experience multiple activities before choosing one to focus on. Once you choose a focus, other things have to go.

That doesn't mean 6 is too young for every child out there. That is the decision we made for our family. Decide what is best for yours.

Good

The child has to work to play: When a child leaves the recreation sports world and enters competitive sports, your child now needs to earn that playing time. The coach no longer works to make sure everyone is in for the same number of minutes. Different coaches do things differently, but typically a coach rewards effort, heart, and dedication. Skill is also a high consideration on playing time. So if a child wants to play more, a child has to put in the effort to earn it. If your child doesn't love the sport enough or have the will to put extra time into it, moving to playing competitively might not be the best option for your child.

When Brayden started competitive basketball this year, it was his first team sport on a competitive level. It was his first time having to try hard to earn playing time. He has risen to the occasion. On top of his team practices, he gets up early twice a week and he and my husband spend time practicing before school. He has seen improvement and he is learning a valuable lesson about what practice can do in a sport.

It is worth noting not all competitive avenues will have this benefit--for example, in competitive swimming at Brayden's level, any registered swimmer on a team can enter a race at a swim meet for many meets. Some meets do have requirements for you having previously raced at a certain speed or faster, like state meets.
Skills improve: When you play against better players, you get better. You are also practicing more. This last spring, Kaitlyn joined a competitive soccer team for her first time. Previous to this, she played soccer for two months each fall and two months each spring. Once she was on the competitive team, that season extended through the summer. So she played her two spring months and continued two practices a week all summer (save a two week break). Then fall season started. Once it ended, they continued practicing one time a week for two more months. They are on a two month break right now. When you play that much more, you just get better.
The child plays with people who know the game: As you continue to get older, you still get children playing in a recreation league who have never played the sport before. There is nothing wrong with that at all--I think children should be allowed to join at any age. I never played a minute of soccer until I was pushing 30, so I am all for people trying new things when they want to. Some children can find it frustrating when they want to play a game on a certain level and can't because not enough people know how to play. Sometimes rec teams get put together unfairly so you have a team of primarily new kids and a team of 6 year veterans. Some children will enjoy playing competitively in order to play against children who know how to play.
The child learns to channel nerves: The stakes feel higher competitively. You might go to tournaments. Even at the end of a normal season, teams are given placings and medals or trophies that reflect those placings (which I happen to think is fabulous). All through life, we face nerves. Nerves facing tests in college. Nerves facing a job interview. Nerves making certain decisions. Nerves having a baby...nerves are part of life.
Children develop close friendships and bonds: When you spend your time with people, you usually get close to them. I love the friendship that comes from being a part of a group or team. When you work together toward common goals, a bond develops.
Competitive sports can teach invaluable life skills: Practice pays off. You have to be a team player. You need to rely on other people. Sometimes you can work your hardest and still not win. Patience. Endurance. Tenacity. These are all skills that a person develops when they put the time and effort into something that a competitive team requires.
Children learn to work hard physically: Your body can do so much more than you think it can or it thinks it can. Physical fitness builds mental toughness. My husband played football growing up. He often reflects on his high school workouts as a football player and knows if he could handle that, he can handle whatever life is throwing his way at the time.

Bad

Limits number of sports a child can play: There is only so much time in a day. There is only so much you can dedicate in life. Once you dedicate time to one sport, it limits your options in others. Most sports have seasons and a child is able to play each sport in its respective seasons, but once you go comp, your season extends for that sport. That will means if you start another sport, you will have to give some things up in another. For example, last Fall, Brayden did rec basketball. He missed two of his games because he was racing in swim meets. This winter, he is doing competitive basketball. He is having to miss swim practice one day a week for basketball practice. He will miss part of a swim meet because of basketball later this month.
Skills aren't built from other sports: Because your ability to commit to other sports may be limited, you might not be able to play other sports enough to develop those skills. Many skills are transferable among sports. This article really sums up the importance of being able to play multiple sports.
Injuries can increase: We are finding as more children play one sport year round that injuries are increasing. Children are still growing and are susceptible to injuries from focusing too much on one sport. This article is helpful if you want to read more about this.
Children get burnt out and end up hating the sport: This happens often. I have a friend whose niece was recently offered a full scholarship to a university to play soccer. She turned it down. By that point, she decided she hated soccer. She had played it too much.

We had a neighbor who breathed soccer. He played it as soon as he got home from school until it was time for bed. We moved, but a few years later saw the father and asked how soccer was going. "He hates it. He won't even look at a soccer ball anymore." Burn out is a real thing, even when children love a sport.
It takes a lot of time: A competitive sport takes up a lot of time for the child and by association for the entire family. If you have one or two children, playing a competitive sport might be very manageable. Make that several kids and things get tricky.
It takes more money than the same recreational level sport: Competitive sports take a lot more money. It is more money to register to play the sport. Then you add jersies. You often add equipment for the team costs. You have tournament registration costs. Travel costs. It all adds up, and it adds up quickly.
Children fear making a mistake and losing the game for the team: Remember that pressure I talked about in the "good" section? That doesn't always lead to a "good." Sometimes it leads to a "bad" with a lot of stress and anxiety over making a mistake.
Children can have such little playing time that skills don't develop or they don't enjoy it: When a child signs up to play a sport, the child wants to play the sport. The child doesn't want to sit. Rarely are kids happy with sitting. If a child is on the side of sitting on the bench more than playing, the child will not enjoy it. The child will also risk not improving skills-wise with not as much playing time.

How to Get the Good and Limit the Bad

Find a good coach: A good coach is so valuable. A good coach will work with the children

and give them as much as he/she can to help the child improve. A good coach will focus on more than the win in the particular game. A good coach won't accept too many players on the team so kids have to sit more than is reasonable.
Require commitment: If your child wants to participate in a team sport, make it clear what will be required. Once the child is signed up and on board, make sure the expectation is that commitment will follow. We make it clear that we don't care if the child is the best or not, but we do want our child to be doing his/her best. We are not paying extra money and putting in extra time unless the child is willing to put in extra effort. So much of the "good" list only happens if the child works. Finish out the season and reevaluate when it is over.
Make sure it is fun: The experience needs to be enjoyable for the child. That will depend on your child's attitude, your attitude, and the coaches attitude.
But learn from the challenges: It won't always be "fun." There will be times of hard work. There will be failures and freak accidents that seem unfair. There will be bad calls. Learn from the challenges. At one swim meet, Brayden dove in the pool to swim his best stroke. He was having his best meet of his short career and this was going to top it off. But his goggles came off in the dive. He panicked and looked at me with fear in his eyes. I told him to keep going. He did. He got probably his worst time ever on that stroke, but he finished that race and wasn't ever disqualified. His team cheered for him like I have never heard them cheer for any one person. Most have been there. He felt support. He felt pride that he completed even under hard circumstances. We point out that those are moments he will remember forever and draw strength from in the future. Those are learning moments.
Allow breaks: Don't push your child too hard too fast. Burn out happens in every competitive avenue. The way to avoid that is to allow breaks. Kaitlyn had the opportunity to do a winter soccer league indoors. We chose not to do that so she could freely play basketball and let soccer leave her brain for a few months. Kaitlyn doesn't even know what her favorite sport to play is yet and we don't want her to focus in on one sport. Brayden should be going to swim team practice five days a week. He is ten years old. We have him go three days a week. We also make sure we work it out so one of those days is not Friday. We will also make sure if things are super busy with other stuff and he can only go twice one week that we are okay with that. We don't want him to hate swimming and want to give it up because he got too much of a good thing at a young age.
Know the process: Assuming this was your child's idea, your child will likely start out loving it. Then reality will set in and your child will not like it and will want to quit. This is the hard parenting moment. I strongly encourage you to have your child finish out the season and reevaluate at the end. Look, a competitive activity is hard work. It starts out seeming glamorous, but as soon as the reality of the work required sets in, the child may want out. This is how Brayden was with swimming his first year. I told him that he wasn't allowed to quit mid-season, but we would reevaluate after it was over before signing on for the next season. By then he had been through the hard times, over the hump, and really enjoyed it. He continued. Your child needs to see what happens when you push through and keep trying.

This is a common process in people in general. I even see it in my kids in the musicals I direct. It starts out exciting, but the beginning is a lot of little details and practicing songs and just learning dance moves. There is a long period of time it isn't a lot of fun (except for those kids who can't get enough--there are always those kids). If they push through, however, the payout is fantastic.
Don't sign the child up unless the child really wants to do it: Competitive activities take enough effort that you don't want to sign the child up unless the child really wants to put in the required effort. Explain what will and could be required. Don't sugar coat it. Talk about how it will be different from rec sports. Talk about what could be hard. Also talk about what can be great.
Diversify: Make sure your child is able to play different sports and do different things. Kaitlyn still takes piano lessons. She still takes dance class. She is still participating in a musical. She played softball and basketball. Brayden still takes piano lessons. He participates in scouts. He is in a musical. Beyond that, make sure there is still time for downtime at home and time to play with friends. Free play is important.
Encourage effort: Be accepting of effort. Don't expect professional performance. Expect best effort and nothing more.
Point out improvements made: "You have really been working on rebounding and today you made a lot of rebounds! That work paid off." It is good for children to recognize when their efforts have resulted in improvement.
Be okay with a loss: A lot can be learned from losing a game. Be okay with losing. It is easy to be happy when you win. Losses will come and you all need to be okay with that.
Don't disparage the coach in front of your child: I won't even do this in a rec situation. Sometimes a coach does something you wouldn't have done yourself. But as soon as you talk bad about your child's coach, it opens the door for your child to blame the coach and not accept personal responsibility. I am sure there are times people will need to say, "Hey, what your coach did wasn't right." Most of the time, however, it is best to keep comments away from your child.

Also, most of the time, my husband is the coach for our kids. Coaching isn't easy and it is full of judgement calls. Most of the time, coaches are doing the best they can.
Carpool: The impact of time on the family can be greatly reduced by carpooling. With Kaitlyn's soccer, she would need to be at games 30 minutes early at least. If we had a conflict with that 30 minute window, we would call up a team mate and see if they could take her and we went in time for the game to start. We would take other kids when other people needed help. Carpool to practices. Help make life easier for everyone.
Take personality into account: Is your child an introvert? If so, be very mindful of the number of days a week your child is committed to something. Brayden is an introvert and can only handle so much time away from home before he gets flustered with life. Kaitlyn, on the other hand, is an extrovert and seemingly can't get enough time out having fun playing sports and doing other activities with friends.
Don't make it about scholarships: Odds of even playing as a collegiate athlete are slim, much less a full scholarship. Statistics say around 7% of high school athletes go on to play in college. Not all players get a full ride scholarship. Don't do it for the scholarship. Your money that you are spending on competitions, gear, and fees can go into a savings account instead and you can pay for college that way.
Don't live your dreams through your child: Don't force your dream on your child, whether it be that you achieved your dream and want your child to enjoy it also or that you wish you had pursued a dream and didn't. Many children will do things just because their parents want them to even if they don't enjoy it.

Your child can have a great experience with competitive sports if you are wise about the process. Do it for the right reasons. Find a great coach. Expect difficulty. Learn from the difficult times.

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PLAY IDEAS & OUTINGS FOR A 1 YEAR OLD {Guest Post}

by Katrina Villegas

Hi Everyone! I am the newest member of the Babywise Friendly Blog Network, and I'd like to take a minute to introduce myself. My name is Katrina Villegas, and I am a former engineer and chemistry teacher. My daughter, Caroline, was born in November of 2014. I am now a stay at home mom, and I am organizing my chaos one babywise step at a time!

I am applying all of my engineering, teaching, and life experiences to making my new job go as smoothly as possible. My new career as a stay at home mom is challenging and so rewarding. I am constantly tweaking things and trying new things to give Caroline the best experiences. Sometimes (a lot of the time) it is trial and error and a whole lot of research and trust. As an engineer, I always said "Don't reinvent the wheel" and "Share best practices". That's the idea of my blog... every post is to share my best practices (or share my "oops" moments) so that you might not have to reinvent! There's also no getting around the fact that we somehow all have mama brain now...so I want to make sure that I remember my own best practices for baby number two someday! :)

PLAY IDEAS & OUTINGS FOR A 1 YEAR OLD

From day 1, Caroline left the house as much as possible. We started with weekly trips to the store and have worked our way up to daily outings. As Caroline gets older, it is even more important that we have a variety of outings throughout the week. The outings provide her with a chance to socialize with adults and children (Some she knows, and others she is just meeting). She is able to explore new areas, learn about new things, and get lots of energy out. It is equally important for me to get out of the house. As a stay at home mom, it can be tough being in the house all the time. The outings are a great way to keep me sane. Plus, it can be fairly difficult to entertain a 1 year old in the same environment day in and day out. She gets bored with her toys and likes to see and do new things.

We have come up with several experiences that we like to rotate into our schedule. Most of them are FREE! Here are some fun outings to try out:

1. Playdates at someone's house- This is a great option and easy to do. It is, of course, free. Once you have met a couple of moms with kids around the same age, you can rotate whose house you are at.

2. Playdates at the library- The libraries in the county I live in have what is called a "discovery room". They are free to reserve and have toys in them! We go weekly and meet up with other moms and children for some free fun.

3. Walks and outdoor exploring- This is always our go to activity if Caroline is bored. She loves being outside. We walk, we go to the park, we sit in the grass, and we simply explore. She could do this for days. Unfortunately, with the weather getting colder, this will become more and more difficult to do. We'll still bundle up and go outside, but just for a short time.

4. Trampoline park- We just discovered these! There is a place around here called SkyZone that has a toddler time twice a week. It is very inexpensive and SO MUCH FUN. Now that Caroline is walking, we decided to give this a shot. She walked on the trampoline, ran around, fell into a foam pit and had a blast. This is most likely being added into our weekly rotation! I am so glad we finally went and gave this a shot- I had been waiting, thinking that Caroline was still too young.

5. Indoor playground- Unfortunately, this is one of the things that my area simply doesn't have. I have been to a great one in Atlanta, and many cities have them. The only ones we have around here are the bounce house type places. We will probably eventually go, but perhaps when Caroline is a little older. For now, our only indoor playgrounds are the tiny ones in the mall. LOL!

6. Community programs- Churches and community centers often have free play times set up. We go to one that is at a local church every week. They literally open up the gym and have some balls, tunnels, and hula hoops set out for the kids to play with. This has been a great way for Caroline to get some energy out.

7. Storytimes- Libraries have free storytimes! We go to several libraries in the area, so there is usually one going on every week. They sing songs, read books, say rhymes, and even have some wiggle time.

8. Aquarium/Zoo- These aren't cheap, unless you get to go to the zoo for free like we do in D.C. The family memberships are the way to go, however (as long as you go frequently enough for it to pay for itself and then some). This is easy to do when you have a little one in tow! It is such a nice option to be able to switch things up a bit. The aquarium adventures will be perfect for winter weather!

9. Petting zoo- While these are all closed for the winter, they are something that we will continue to do when the weather gets nicer. This is much cheaper than going to the zoo or the aquarium, and much more interactive as well.

10. Shopping places- When all else fails, we go to the mall, to Target, or to the grocery store. At the mall we do laps with the stroller. Caroline walks with me now, and then we head down to the play area for a bit. At Target, I try not to buy things, and Caroline pushes the cart and explores the aisles. We always need things at the grocery store, so even if we only need milk, we turn it into an outing!

11. Classes- Recreation centers and community centers have great toddler classes. We haven't signed up for one yet, but plan to in the future. They have music classes, intro to sports, and even rhyme times for the little tots.

We rarely have a day that we stay at home. Even if it is just a quick outing to the store, we take the outing. Caroline and I both love to get out and do things, and I think we would go stir crazy if we didn't. It makes us appreciate the days in and really enjoy them. If you have any more ideas for creative playtime and fun outings, let us know!

Find Katrina here at Mama's Organized Chaos.

Good, Better, Best

Back in 2007, before I even started this blog, I heard a talk given titled "Good, Better, Best" by Dallin H. Oaks. The opening line was "Most of us have more things expected of us than we can possibly do." I had a 2 year old and a 5 month old and that line had me hooked. I know for me in my life, that has only become more true over the past 8 years as I have added two more children and have taken on little things like this blog, being the director of a musical each year, and currently being the president of the PTO at my children's school...so yes, things have only gotten busier.

We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.

That is really just the plain and simple fact that we have to face at some point in life if we want to maintain our sanity. Just because something is a good thing to do does not mean we should be doing it. There are countless good things to do in life. Our world is full of rich opportunities for growth and opportunity and we just can't do it all. Our lives could take many different paths, but we can't take them all.

Consider how we use our time in the choices we make in viewing television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, or reading books or magazines. Of course it is good to view wholesome entertainment or to obtain interesting information. But not everything of that sort is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it. Some things are better, and others are best.

Not everything "is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it." This was true in 2007, but it is even more true in 2015 and I suspect it will become even truer as time progresses. The iPhone was first released in 2007. Before the iPhone, it was not commonplace to have a computer with you at all times. I personally didn't jump on the train until 2010. Before then, I was unplugged from the Internet for most of the day. I didn't have it in my pocket, able to pull out any time I felt a tinge of boredom. Now it is there all the time.

In March of 2015, about 700 million iPhones had been sold. This is total, so obviously that doesn't mean 700 million people have them. That is just the iPhone. Nearly two-thirds of Americans own a smart phone. That means two-thirds of us have instant access to the Internet almost anywhere we go!

With this rise in smart phone usage, I have seen more and more parents looking for tips on how their friends control themselves with time spent on the smart phone. I have been a mom long enough to watch this shift happen. We spend a large portion of our lives pinning things we will never again look at, reading interesting articles, seeing who is offended by what on Facebook...we also pin things we will use (sometimes). We connect with friends and family through our phones. We can capture any moment with our smart phones. There are good things we can do with our devices...but is the portion of our lives we are giving to it the best way to spend that portion of time? Could we do the best things available with our phones and leave out the good parts?

We also live in a world full of rich opportunities for our children. Most parents are eager to provide their children with every opportunity possible. Sometimes we overschedule out of fear. We fear if we don't do all of the things available, our children will miss out on opportunities later in life--and sometimes that fear is perfectly justified.

The trick is to remember the good, better, best hierarchy. If we do not have time to spend together as a family, the we are leaving out the best part for what is good or even what is better. If we can't possibly squeeze in time for family prayers and for studying the scriptures together, we are leaving out the best part. Our children also need free time. We need to have mealtime together as a family. Why?

...the time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.”³ Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs.⁴ There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you.

We, the modern day parents, are pioneers. We are raising children in a world never before seen. We do not have the benefit of wisdom of our elders to ask, "How did you handle cell phones? What age did you get cell phones for your children?" and so forth. We can certainly get opinions, but no tried and true efforts.

That is why this idea of good, better, and best can be of utmost value to us. As you decide how to spend your time, your family's time, and allow your children to spend their time, always weigh the good, better, best. We really only have time for the best part.

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Planning Lessons/Sports/Activities--Choose the Right Time of Day

Let me tell you a little secret. The time of day you schedule activities such as lessons or sports really does matter. The time of day will have a huge impact on your child's enjoyment and ability to participate well as well as the flow of the family at home and how stressful this added activity is or isn't to the family.

My husband always tells me there is no way we would be able to have the kids do what they do without my planning ability. I want to share some things I do to make sure the kids can do their activities without it taking over every single minute.

Do NOT Plan:

Too Late

If you are a person who has a consistent bedtime for your kids, you do not want a time that is too late. Kaitlyn once had a dance class that got over during bedtime when she was in first grade. It was the only time offered at the studio. I really should have just went to a different studio (hindsight). She was too young to handle being up late. She did not like dance at all that year. A huge part was the teacher, but a little part was also that she was just tired there.

This year, her dance class is again at bedtime (different studio). However, she is now old enough that it isn't a problem for her. If I had to take all of my kids along with me, I wouldn't have stayed at the studio, but the other kids can be at home getting ready for bed so it works out.

If you have a younger child, like I do with three year old Brinley, make sure you avoid scheduling things right around nap time. I did her dance class at 10 am so that she is fresh and happy.

During Dinner

Any time your child is doing an activity during dinner, you need to be very aware and make accommodations for this. You either need to have a good snack before the activity or move dinner up that day so your child can eat before the activity. This happens for us often during soccer season. A game will be during dinner and the child will run out of steam fast because it is dinner time. Instead of eating, the child is expending energy.

During Free Play

Be sure your child's free play each day is not taken up with organized activities. Free play is very important for children.

Do Plan:

When Someone is Already Nearby

My husband works right next door to the gym where McKenna takes gymnastics and this year cheer. I always schedule her gymnastics class so she is ending right when my husband gets off work. This way I just drop her off and come home. My husband picks her up on his way home from work. Then I am home making dinner so when they get home, we are ready to eat. Try to think of when you could plan things for when your spouse, a grandparent, an aunt, or yourself is already in the area to help with drop-off or pickups.

Overlapping

For any activity where it is a practice type of situation, I like to try to plan things as overlapping as possible. It might make sense at first glance to keep things one after the other, but I like them to be at right about the same time (assuming I can get each kid there in time). That way we are all busy at the same time and we can all be together as a family at the same time.

Before Family is All Home

My favorite time of day for activities is right after school before my husband is home from work. That is time our family isn't all together anyway, so any time I can get those activities in before he is home, I do it.

Before School

This year we are trying something new. We are doing our piano lessons before school rather than after school. I have always done piano right after school. We are able to get them done by the time my husband gets home, so it fits that criteria. However, it was something that interfered with a day when they could just come home from school and have free time. In an effort to have more free play during the week, we decided to try piano lessons before school.

So far, it has worked well. Our school doesn't start until 9 am, so with a 7 am wakeup time, we have plenty of time to work this in. The downside is instead of one day of piano, we have two, but that has been okay. I scheduled the lesson to start so my husband drops Brayden or McKenna off on his way to work. So I am utilizing the advice for already being in the area. Then I pick up Brayden and drop off Kaitlyn. We then pick Kaitlyn up on the way to school--again, already in the area. I am already driving my kids to school each morning, we just take a little pit stop this day.

With Carpool Friends

This year, McKenna is taking gymnastics at the same time as kids in two different families in my approximate neighborhood. We take turns and drive just every 3 weeks. This is a fantastic way to go about activities. It doesn't impact our family as strongly when she is driving with someone else. I am able to give my time and attention at home.

Conclusion

Not all activity times can be chosen. This is what makes seasonal sports more stressful--you can't control game times and if you have more than one child playing, you can have games at the same time in two different cities. That is especially why it is helpful to be wise in any activity you do have control over. That makes the others more doable.

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What Age Should Children Start Activities?

As you cute little one grows older, you will find yourself wondering what age is appropriate to start activities like dance, sports, and/or music. Or maybe your cute little one is old enough you feel like you have ruined any chance of major success at anything because you haven't enrolled your almost five year old into anything yet.

First of all, don't panic if you fall into the latter. While organized sports are starting at younger and younger ages, that doesn't mean your child has missed out on anything that he/she can't pick up on in a couple of games. Most young players in soccer, for example, run up and down the field after the bunch without really realizing what the goal of the game is (and that is why my husband and I call it bunch ball).

WHAT AGE TO START?

There is no magic number to give you here. There is no one right age for every child and every family situation. Even in our own family, we have varied a lot.

Brayden didn't do an activity until he was 4.5, and his first "activity" was preschool. He was close to 5 when he first played a sport (soccer) and was 5 when he took his first swimming lesson. So when I tell you not to panic, I tell you from a place of knowing what it is like to have an "older" child who hasn't done activities.

This made sense for Brayden and our family and I don't regret it at all. Let me give you a little insight into why this happened. Reason number one is our number two child came along when Brayden was 22 months old. You know how much I value staying true to sleep for my babies, so it never crossed my mind to put him into things as a two year old. I had a newborn who needed a consistent schedule at home.

Reason number two is that our number three child came along a couple of months before Bradyen turned four. Once again, back to the newborn life. Activities were the furthest thing from my mind. Since he was my oldest, we weren't in a habit of doing outside activities and I just didn't think about it much.

Reason number three is one I can only know looking back in retrospect. I didn't realize at the time, but Brayden is an introvert who needs his time at home. If I had put him in a bunch of activities as a toddler and preschooler, it literally would have stressed him out. We did simple activities like play at the park with friends and go on hikes and camping trips as a family. That simple life worked for him and it worked for our family situation.

Consideration number one should be "How would the activity affect my child?" Would it be good for my child? I am not against having children do things they don't want to do (I mean, how many times have I forced my children to go potty--even in the last 24 hours!!!), but be wise in the age and circumstance you require certain things.

Consideration number two should be "How would the activity affect the family as a whole?" Would the sacrifices required by the family make sense--in other words, do the benefits for the one child outweigh the cons for the rest of the family?

Let me finish the early Brayden life narrative with some encouragement for any of you thinking starting later is a good idea. Brayden started preschool "late." He has never been behind in school because of it. He has been determined to be gifted and he does extremely well in school. On the athletic side of life, Brayden is on a competitive swim team despite only swimming for the last five years. I don't know where swimming will take him, but my point is that starting at age five hasn't ruined him. He also enjoys playing a variety of other sports year round.

Now, starting activities at an older age worked great for Brayden. So is that what we did as a whole for every other child?

No.

That would be ignoring my first two considerations.

Kaitlyn is about the exact opposite of Brayden when it comes to liking to be busy and liking to be surrounded by people (for birthday parties, I have to limit Kaitlyn to inviting 15 friends and Brayden never has an interest in inviting more than 5 even though I tell him he can invite more).

Kaitlyn's first activity was at age three. She was in a dance class. She didn't start preschool until 4.5 and she has also been labeled as gifted (my actual policy on preschool is to not start until the final year before Kindergarten, so this age range has been true for all my children).

Kaitlyn was 3 when she took her first swimming lesson. Why so much younger? Because, if you check the math, when Kaitlyn was 3, Brayden was 5. When Brayden was 5, he was taking swimming lessons. So Kaitlyn was taking swimming lessons also. We were there anyway and there is a 3 year old class. McKenna was 1 at the time, but no one year old class :).

McKenna and Brinley also both started dance at age three. But both started swimming lessons before they turned 3. Again, this was a practical matter. We have since moved to having a private swim teacher. We pay her by the hour. She will fit all four of our kids into that hour or do just two if needed (Brayden and Kaitlyn are both graduated from official lessons--not to say things can't still be improved upon!). So, the whole family is there anyway and we are paying for it anyway, so might as well get it started.

That leads me to the third consideration. "Does the money I will spend have value?" Does it make sense to spend the money you will spend on the activity? Will your child benefit in some way--be it physically, mentally, or socially? Could those benefits be achieved for free at home? Or at least for cheaper? If it doesn't make sense, save the money. Put it in a savings account if it is burning a hole in your pocket. You can use that money toward activities later or toward a college education.

A fourth consideration I have hinted around is "What age makes sense for the individual activity?" You shouldn't apply a blanket age to start for all activities. All activities aren't created equal and are not appropriate at equal ages. Now, you might have an age you start things based on the other three considerations and that is great. Here are some thoughts I have on various activities:

Swimming: I like around age 3 for swimming. All children go through a phase of being scared when doing swimming lessons, and it is easier to get a 3 year old to do things than a 5 year old. If you have a baby at home with a three year old and it would make life stressful, I would feel fine with start at 4, also. With that said, while starting at 5 was harder for Brayden than it was for my girls to start around 3, it hasn't hurt him in the long run. It has taken him longer to get through the lessons than they have, though. If you want to start later, I would recommend you go swimming with your little one often enough that he/she feels somewhat comfortable in the water. See How Parents Can Help with Swimming Lessons for more.
Preschool: Like I said, I like the year before Kindergarten. My short answer reasons for this are that I like to keep my child home with me longer, I can and do preschool at home with my child before then, and it isn't free so that is $100 a month that can stay in the family budget longer. You can find my long answer to considerations for preschool here:
To Preschool Or Not?
Dance: I have liked age 3 for dance class. My girls have all been eager to go to dance and socialize, though. I wouldn't force it on a 3 year old. If your little girl is like Brayden and likes to be home, do not feel like you have to start dance at age 2 or 3 to be successful at it. Remember consideration number one--how will it affect the child. Dance class for the 3 year old is just for fun.
Sports: We start sports when they are first offered around here, but I know most of our sports are offered at an older age than much of the country. Soccer is the season they turn 5. Basketball is first graders. We tried t-ball once and didn't love it, so we go for 5-6 for softball/baseball. Brayden is trying flag football for the first time now as a 10 year old, but I would be comfortable with flag football as a 5-6 year old.
Music: The answer here would depend on what kind of music class. Studies have found that music classes are beneficial from a very young age. Spoiler alert--babies. My question would be can a music class you are paying for bring more into your baby's life than you can give at home? Maybe only if you have zero musical knowledge. I would guess it is just exposure to music, but I haven't done a baby music class so I don't know. We start piano lessons in Kindergarten. We have half-day Kindergarten here and thus far my children have all been overly ready for Kindergarten. I wanted to have something challenging in their lives at that time. A lot of people say to wait on piano lessons until closer to age 8, but I have loved piano starting at age 5 and I plan to do the same with Brinley. Here is an article on benefits of music lessons from Parents.com.

A final consideration that must be made is "How does the activity mesh with the other activities currently going on?" This will likely be part of the thought process when considering how it affects the individual and the family, but in case it doesn't come up, I want to make sure it is there. If your child is already in dance class and you add a soccer season in there, how will the two activities work together? Will you have to choose between the two at times? How will you add in a practice and a couple of games a week? What impact will that have on the family and the child? How will you juggle the conflicts?

I have a few posts that can help you manage things once you get going:

Managing Children at Sibling's Events

As your children get older, a challenge you encounter is what to do with a baby, toddler, or even preschooler at a sibling's event. Events can be everything from a soccer game to a piano recital to a school report. Sometimes you will even have challenges with the oldest child once he needs to sit at someone's event (he hasn't, after all, had to do so as a young child). For me, my husband is always coaching games, so it is just the children and me. My little ones are always upset that they can't be with dad during coaching, so I have to have ways to keep them entertained and contained. Here are some tips for you.

1-Make a list of priorities

Before you decide on rules and expectations for your children at events. You will have to have different priorities based on the event. A younger sibling might be able to play with a soccer ball next to the field during a soccer game, but will need to hold still during a piano recital.

2-Bring food

I love when an event overlaps with a mealtime when I have a toddler or preschooler. I pack lunch or dinner and have the child eat in the stroller during the game. If it is close to normal meal time, I make sure the meal is eaten at the event. It really makes it much easier for you to contain the child and be able to pay attention yourself. Even if it is not a meal time, having a snack and drink on hand is always a wise idea.

3-Have a stroller

If a stroller can go where you are going, bring it. Even if you don't necessarily require your child to sit in it at all times, it is a fabulous consequence location if the child doesn't listen. If Brinley runs onto the field during a game, she gets buckled into her stroller for the remainder of it. It doesn't take them long to learn to either have some freedom and follow the rules or lose freedom when they break rules.

4-Bring books or other things to entertain (like at church)

While you might think a basketball game will be more exciting than church is for your child, that isn't necessarily true. Your little one isn't into the game. She doesn't understand rules, and after a short while, it all looks the same. Have things to entertain. Have ideas of what your child can do while attending the event. See this post for ideas on what I bring to church--this will get your mind going;

Best Toys: Church Toys

5-Limit the technology crutch

It is very tempting to whip out the old smart phone and hand it to the child. Doing so will likely keep your child quiet. It will also, however, prevent your child from a valuable lesson in self-control. I also don't love the idea because at some point, I want my kids being engaged at each other's events, and I like to "start as I mean to go on."

6-Use technology if you must

There will be times, however, you will decide technology is needed. I have done it at times. When we are at swimming lessons and it is about Brinley's bedtime and we have been sitting there for about 50 minutes, she sometimes needs to play a game on my phone for those last 10 minutes.

Remember to keep your setting in mind. Technology in some events is inappropriate. Also, don't make it an "always" thing. Save it for your last resort.

7-Stress supporting and cheering for each other

I really want my children to be there for each other. I want them to cheer each other on, be happy for each other in their successes, and comfort each other in their low moments. My desire at events is for my children to get to the point where they have an interest in the event and pay attention to it. I want us to be there for each other.

This past summer, Brayden (9) really started to take a lot more interest in the events of his sisters. Like I alluded to above, it can be hard for your oldest child to be expected to sit and pay attention to an event with the younger siblings start to actually get involved in things. But this last summer and on, he has shown great interest in what his sisters are doing. He watches their games. He cheers them on. He pays attention to it all.

The age, maturity, and experience of your child at events will impact the exact age the child will start to be entertained by what the siblings are doing. Work toward that goal.

8-Try to get child engaged in the event

With that in mind, try to get your child engaged in the event. I encourage Brinley to cheer along. She loves to clap and cheer for her siblings. I ask her where the ball is. For musical events, she has a high interest level in music so she is typically quite enraptured by those events anyway. For games, I point out what is happening on a basic level.

Teaching your children about what is happening will help them have more interest in it. Think about yourself. Has their been a sport you have watched, not knowing the rules? Did you ever learn the rules, and if so, did your interest change when watching that sport? Appreciation for what is happening will increase interest.

9-Remember to make expectations age appropriate

You can absolutely have different rules and expectations for your children based on your child's age. Fair does not mean equal. Fair means the appropriate expectations are placed based on the child. You might allow a child to read a book at a younger age, and then when he is older, require to watch the event. You might allow a preschooler to run around and play with friends while you keep a toddler close by for safety purposes. Keep rules event, location, and age appropriate for each individual child.

10-Explain family rules

Remember the strategies of training in non-conflict and ask and tell. Let your child know of family expectations before you leave your home. It is also good to explain that your rules will likely differ from those of other families at the event. Remind your child that your rules are your rules no matter what everyone else is doing.

11-Practice at home

If you have structured playtime at home, life will be much easier for you at games/recitals/events. A child who is accustomed to having boundaries placed will be more wiling to comply with boundaries out in public. This doesn't mean the child will never cry, never have the tantrum, never test those boundaries. Those things will happen. But it will all be easier than it will be if you do not have structured playtime at home.

What are your rules and expectations at each other's events?

Managing the Entire Family's Schedules

One of the bigger challenges in having multiple children is keeping everyone's schedules straight. Even just having two children involved in one activity each creates a situation that requires some organization.

There are a lot of ways to go about organizing everyone's schedules. Here are some ideas for you.

Get to Know Yourself

The first thing to do is to get to know yourself and your organization style. You might think, "I am a 30 year old woman! Of course I know myself!" and that might be true. But I know my personal self is ever changing. My self five years ago never would have forgotten about piano lessons, but myself a year ago totally missed a lesson and from that day forward has had an alarm in her phone weekly to remind herself piano lessons were coming up in 15 minutes. As you add children to your family, you will likely need to tweak your methods.

So what do you need to stay organized? How do you function best? Do you like things in your phone? Online calendar? Dayplanner type? Wall calendar?

Do you not know what works best for you? Or you have a method but it isn't working so hot for you? Let's talk ideas.

SmartPhone Help

The smart phone really, really helps maintain some organization in the management of the family. You can set reminders in your phone so an alarm goes off when you have something coming up.

You can also use apps to stay organized. I recently wrote on my favorite apps, including the ones I use to organize us. See that post for full details.

Day Planner

I don't limit myself to the smart phone. As much as I enjoy it, I still have that "old-fashioned" gal in me who likes to have things written down in front of me. Each year, I get a simple one-year calendar from the Dollar Tree. It has each month of the year in a book about the size of a notebook (they also sell some smaller and some larger). I can write everything down in that book and look at the month all at once. There is something about writing things down that helps my brain remember things. This goes back to knowing yourself. My brain remembers better when I physically write things down.

Wall Calendar

This is similar to the day planner idea. I have also used a large desk calendar, which I initially liked, but then it just felt like clutter on my desk so I don't do that anymore.

Something Cutesy

There is no end to the cute ideas on Pinterest. If you search "Family Command Center" you will find hundreds of ideas already pinned. You can check my "organizing" board for ideas: http://pinterest.com/valplowman/organizing/ Here are some of my favorites:

I actually have made one of these--I happened to have this exact frame that I have been hanging on to but not using. It pays to save! lol Here is a link to instructions: http://craftingandquilting.blogspot.com/2012/01/dry-erase-weekly-calendar.html

Pretty self-explanatory. You put scrapbook paper in each frame. You use a dry erase or wet erase to write things on there.

I used a wet erase to write out the day of the week and things that happen every day. I am using a dry erase to add things that are unique to that week. Dry erase erases more easily so I can easily change those out.

Instead of a "to-do" rectangle, I have a date rectangle. We track which parent is with which child for our monthly date.

Now, don't get stuck on this exact frame if you like this concept. Any collage picture frame would work great. You could also get a bunch of cheap ones at the dollar store and arrange them on the wall (though I bet the money would be close if you bought a collage--even Hobby Lobby seems to have the frames on sale most of the time). You could have one with more picture holders and do days of the week plus one for each member of the family. I really like being able to just look up and see at once what the week holds.

source

Just a few ideas. I have a lot on my organizing board. I have also used the item pictured at the top of this post--it is just a frame with fabric in it instead of a picture.

Plan Ahead

As you are signing up for sports, lessons, and activities, really think through how these things will look in practice. You don't want to need to have one child in one town at 4:00 and another 20 minutes away at 4:10--major conflict! Be sure as you are signing up that you don't double book yourself.

Team up with other moms with kids the ages of yours and work together. This coming year, I have McKenna signed up to be in a dance class with two of her friends. The other two moms and I are carpooling, so for the entire dance year, I drive only once a month most months, sometimes twice. That significantly cuts down on my time spent and she is still able to go have her fun thing.

Another thing to consider is location of activities. We chose a gymnastics place that is literally right next door to my husband's work. We can sign up for classes at times so he can pick them up on his way home from work.

Another idea is to double up where you can. Any time your children can be in the same class, on the same sports team, or take lessons together will make your juggling act easier because it turns two balls into one. Brayden and Kaitlyn take piano lessons back to back on the same day. While one has a lesson, the other reads or draws quietly. This means I drive once and pick up once for two lessons. (and this is a major plug for having children who can sit quietly and entertain themselves).

Any time you can allow yourself to be more flexible with everyone's schedules, you will make the act of managing all of them easier. So carpool, double up, and choose locations wisely so you can make coordinating everyone's schedule as easy as possible.

For more ideas in this frame of mind, see: Managing Baby Plus Older Kids' Activities

Have a Weekly Family Meeting

Each Monday, we do Family Home Evening. During this time, we sing a church song and learn a gospel lesson. We also have our family meeting. During this time, we talk about anything the family needs to discuss, including what is on the schedule for the week. It really helps to verbalize what is going on. It also lets the kids know what is coming up. Kids remember everything (everything convenient). If you say on Monday night that piano lessons are on Wednesday, that is one more person whose brain is on the job of remembering to get to piano lessons on Wednesday.

Conclusion

These are all of the tactics I use to manage all of our schedules. I treat myself like an important computer server--I have back-ups, redundancy, and repeaters. I don't rely on one method to keep information safe.

What do you do to keep things straight?

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