The -Wise Series and Older Children/Adoption

The -Wise Series and Older Children/Adoption. Babywise has benefits for older children and adopted children.

While Babywise is often read and implemented by parents with newborns, I think the real genius of it actually comes into play in the older years. 

I read Babywise before my first son was born and so I have used it with all of my children; however, I wasn’t prepared for how it would help us in welcoming an older child to our family! We fostered, and later adopted, our daughter beginning when she was 11 years old. She came to us after a turbulent childhood with very few rules and nothing she could rely on. In fact, even food was not a given on any particular day or at any particular time. She was not underfed per se, but she truly never knew when, or what kind of, food would be available. 

The Steps to Expect in the Process of Domestic Adoption

The Steps to Expect in the Process of Domestic Adoption. How to know if adoption is right for you and everything to expect.

Many people don't fully understand just how much is involved in the domestic adoption process. Often times when we hear "adoption" we think "long wait" and that's very true. The path to a baby joining the family of a hopeful adoptive parents is long. There are several steps involved along this path and each one has it's own hurdles, hardships and waits.  

When we first started our adoption process we had no clue just how many steps it would include. I'm hoping by sharing what to expect in the adoption journey that hopeful adoptive parents will have a clear understanding of what lies ahead and that their friends and family will have knowledge of the process so they can offer support through each stage!

Decide to Adopt

Adoption is not a decision to be taken lightly. Typically one spouse feels that calling on their heart before the other spouse does. God put that desire within me before He did for my husband. I highly recommend waiting and praying rather than trying to persuade your spouse to jump on board. I'm so thankful I was patient and allowed my husband the time to pray and see where his heart was leading him. During the tougher phases of our journey, I knew he was just as "all in" as I was which was a huge peace of mind! 

When making the decision to adopt it's also important to consider all the factors involved. Your current family situation (bio kids? extended family?), living situation (are you settled in your home? career?), large events in the future (a big wedding coming up? long distance travel plans?). It's also important to consider what path you want to take in adoption. This post covers the domestic adoption of a newborn because that's the path we chose but there are many different options when it comes to adoption and it's wise to consider each one and figure out that best fit for you family. 

You can read about our decision to adopt here :) 

Figure out Finances

Adoption is expensive. Like crazy expensive. 

Go through your finances. Do you have funds you can access? Savings? Loan options? 

There are many adoption loans as well as grants available that are worth considering (keeping in mind that many require home study approval first, some even requiring a match being made with an expectant mother, and even others that you can't qualify until the adoption is final!)

Be sure to check with your CPA regarding the tax adoption credit requirements too as this is a large credit that can really help offset the adoption costs. 

Also consider fundraising options. We did a t-shirt campaign, yard sale, and a puzzle fundraiser. All were successful and family and friends enjoyed the opportunity to help us!

Consider a Consultant or Agency

I was SO confused as to what to do first once we decided to adopt. Some people will say to go ahead and start the home study process, which is fine. But as someone who was CLUELESS about adoption I wanted to find someone who knew what to do and could help me throughout the entire process. 

We decided to go with a consultant (we used Christian Adoption Consultants) as I liked that our consultant had a ton of knowledge about adoption and the process, that she'd design our profile book for us, and that using a consultant would allow us to be in contact with multiple agencies and lawyers rather than just one. 

Many families decide to work with an agency but I have heard that it typically takes much longer to be matched and that there are often rules regarding being "stuck" with that agency. The consultant path was the best fit for us but be sure to explore all options. 

This is a good time to reach out to anyone else you know who has adopted before, ask questions! Join Facebook Groups! Do research to learn about what to expect in the months/years to come!

Announce Plans to Adopt

There is no "best time" to announce your decision to adopt. We decided to announce our plans after we signed on to work with our consultant and as we were beginning the home study process.

We knew we'd need help with childcare for our bio children while completing the home study and we knew we wanted as many prayers and as much support as possible throughout the entire adoption experience so we decided to announce pretty early on. We also have three bio children whom we wanted to be fully part of each stage and wanted them to be able to share in our experiences right from the start!

I've heard of many couples who wait until they are matched to announce. Or even those who wait until a baby is in their arms to make it public. It's a personal choice and one that is truly up to the hopeful adoptive parents to decide!

You can see how we told our bio kids and other friends and family about our adoption decision :) 

Complete Home Study

Each state varies on their requirements for home study completion but most likely you'll work with a social worker in your state to complete this step. The home study process can be a huge source of frustration. There are a TON of things to do, appointments to make, paper work to fill out, and hoops to jump through. 

It's frustrating to have to "prove your worth" and can feel redundant. Take it slow. Work through it all at your own pace and don't let it stress you out. 

Also do not overly fret over the home study visits. For our home study we were required to have an in home visit from the social worker. She was there to make sure our home was safe and that we'd be offering a healthy environment for a new baby. I cleaned my house from top to bottom and it was really unnecessary. It's not a show to impress, it's just a simple visit to make sure things are safe and that's it! I did so much work and the whole thing was done in 30 min and she really only went in each room to check for a smoke detector ha!

Submit Profile to Expectant Mothers 

While working on the home study it's also good to be putting together your profile book. Different agencies do things differently but in working with our consultant we gave her photos and information and she created a beautiful book to be able to submit to agencies and law offices when presenting to expectant mothers. 

Once you are home study approved then you move to the next stage of waiting and that is the wait to be matched! 

This is one of the hardest waits in the entire process. Adoption is a journey of waits but remember the faith is in the wait :) 

Again this stage can vary but for us we received emails of expectant mothers who our consultant thought would be a good fit for us. My husband and I reviewed the information together and decided if we wanted to submit our profile. If we did then we'd write a personal letter to that mother and send our profile book to the lawyer or agency she was working with. 

The expectant mother would then review all the profile books she'd receive and would select the best fit for her and move forward from there! 

This stage is a double wait stage. You spend time waiting for potential birth mothers to view and then spend time waiting to hear their decision. This is the most emotional rollercoaster phase of the process as it's hard not to get super excited and hopeful each time you present and is heartbreaking when the expectant mother chooses another family! 

Update Home Study

A home study is only valid for 1 year so when you reach month 10ish it's wise to go ahead and re-do anything necessary in order to update your home study. 

I'll keep it real: this was hard for me emotionally. We were on the verge of being a year out from our home study being approved and had to start doing everything again and it felt pointless when we were yet to be matched! 

Become Matched

I truly believe that the PERFECT match WILL happen for each hopeful adoptive family. We submitted to 7 birth moms. We received 7 nos. But that 8th? She was our YES and it couldn't have been the more perfect fit. So many stars had to align just right and I wouldn't change a single thing about our journey because it led us to Mama E and our baby boy!

In our situation Mama E chose our book and then we had a phone call where we spoke to her and got to know each other a little better and then both told her lawyer that it was a "yes" for each of us. When we were officially matched is when we had to pretty quickly send ALL the funds. It's so wise to have the money ready and waiting because when you need it, you need it QUICK!

Here's more about when we got our match :) 

Meet Birth Mother / Form Bond / Dr Visits

Every situation is different and unique.

When starting the process we hoped we would have a semi-opened adoption relationship where we'd send photos but not really get to know the expectant mother personally or have a long term bond with her after placement. 

It was interesting because Mama E felt the same way. She too didn't want any sort of relationship with the adoptive family. 

But then we got to know each other. During her pregnancy I'd call and we'd text and stay in contact. She ended up asking for me to come to her dr visits with her. She lives 2 hours from me so I'd go to every visit I could and we'd have lunch together and a bond naturally formed between us. 

I firmly believe this relationship benefits ALL parties involved. My husband and I had a peace of mind in knowing Mama E and felt more confident in her decision to place her son with us. Mama E knew us and felt more confident in her decision to have us raise her baby. And the baby benefited too, I believe our bond helped Mama E to get the best possible care for her child throughout her pregnancy. 

Birth of Baby

One thing that is pretty consistent among all adoptive newborn situations is to never trust the due date. We were originally told mid-November and then the due date was changed to mid-December and our baby was actually born on December 1st! The wait for that phone call that "it's time" is very exciting and nervewracking. 

Depending on your specific situation you may or may not have the option to be present at the birth of the baby. We were able to actually be in the delivery room with Mama E (you can read my version of our son's birth story here...and my husband's perspective here). 

Be prepared that this will be a very tender time for everyone involved. It was beautiful and amazing to be there to see our son come into the world, but it was also heartbreaking to see Mama E go through that pain while knowing she wouldn't be raising this sweet boy. 

Wait for TPR to be Signed

Another one of the most difficult waits in the entire adoption experience is the waiting for the parental rights to be terminated. Again, this varies from state to state. In the state where our baby was born his birth mother had to wait until she was able to be discharged or 48 hours...whichever came first before she could sign. 

Some states require the biological mother to have a certain amount of time with the baby, some allow adoptive parents there from birth. In our situation our baby was able to room-in with us at the hospital. We kept continuous contact with his biological mother as she was just down the hall from us. 

This was such a tough time for me. I was holding this precious baby in my arms. That I'd prayed for. Waited for. Wanted so badly. Yet I was so scared to allow my heart to fall completely in love with him as I knew everything could change in a second. 

Once those rights were signed it was the biggest sigh of relief in the world!!! You can read about our time period of waiting for rights to be signed here, and when it was finished here. 

Post Placement Visits

Depending on your state, after the parental rights are signed it's all pretty much complete and over and is just waiting on final paperwork to make it official. I know some states have a grace period to allow the birth parents to change their mind after signing, but where our son was born that wasn't an option. 

While waiting for finalization there are a couple of post placement visits with the social worker as part of the requirement to legally complete the adoption. Again, don't overly stress about these visits. The social worker is simply looking to see that the baby is adjusting well, the family is adjusting well, and that it's all a good fit.

Finalization 

Even though our son was already ours, finalization day was still so magical and exciting. It's the day that everything becomes official. All the waits and the adoption journey comes to an end! 

Again, it varies by state but ours was able to be over the phone with a judge who asked us very simple questions (all requiring just a yes or no answer) and then she granted us as our sons official parents forever and ever! 

Every moment of waiting. Every struggle. Every obstacle. Every single thing was worth it and all had to happen the exact way it did in order for our son to be OURS and I wouldn't change a thing!

I hope this post helps hopeful adoptive parents to have a clear understanding of the timeline of adoption and what to expect at each step in the process. I blogged pretty much every detail of our entire adoption journey and you can find all of that information here :) 

Emily is a mother of four who blogs over at The Journey of Parenthood. You can also follow along with her family adventures through Instagram! 

Babywise Bonding With Bottle & Breast

I have 3 children and have followed babywise with all of them.

Two of my kids were adopted at birth, and the babywise method provided a great vehicle for bonding with them.  

My oldest was adopted and we implemented babywise right away.  She took to it like a champ.  I felt much more relaxed about bonding in those first months because I could tell she knew I would meet her needs (not that there wasn't some crying;), and could see her gaining a sense of when those needs would be met.  

My second was natural and breastfed.  Immediately I started off a little on the wrong foot, and who wouldn't as a first-time nurser?!  I nursed her to sleep when she was fussy on occasion, but mostly stuck to the 2-3 hour feeding mark.  She was much more difficult to teach to self-soothe and put down awake because I allowed those times of nursing to sooth.  I mostly regret that because it made me so exhausted, but also am glad I had the experience to see what it was like.  Nursing is such a powerful mystery!  Still, she was sleeping through the night consistently at 15 weeks.  I've heard a lot from nursing moms about how impossible it is to sleep train and know that it's because of not laying babies down awake, which is so difficult once you've established a nurse to sleep pattern.  I had to break the cycle by holding her through those times I would have nursed, keeping the paci in her mouth until eventually I held her less and less, and eventually was just shushing and patting until she fell asleep (until my arm felt like it'd fall off!).  Eventually she figured it out and I got to sleep!

My third is adopted and I still had milk from my second when she was born, so she is also nursed (amazing!).  Right away I laid her down awake and didn't nurse to sleep.  I knew this time around we'd have plenty of special nursing times and it didn't need to be when she was tired.  She's thirteen weeks and is pretty consistent thru the night.  

With all of my kids, as they get older, I see the HUGE benefits of how much sleep babywise provides them.  So many of their peers don't get nearly as much sleep, especially in that first year.  Mine are mostly well-rested, and we're able to get out of the house for chunks at a time.  My oldest is now 3.5 and needs to be out running around a little every day.  I can skip the occasional nap with my middle child to make that possible for her older sister, knowing that although she'll be tired, her routine allows enough sleep that it's rare for her.  With 3 kids 3 and under, Babywise also really helps syncing their schedules.  Yes, there's a little time each day where they're all resting at the same time!  It doesn't last long (I do still have a 3 month old;), but it allows Mama a breather.  Their routines provide sanity for the whole family, especially Mama!  

The only thing we don't do is room time.  We live in a very small apartment and I don't keep toys in their room, so they're always playing in the same room (our living room).  I don't keep toys out that need supervision, and my oldest has a box of "Table Toys" where we throw anything that's chokable size.  This allows me to go about my chores as needed, or tend to the babies without having to shut down play time.  They've become really independent about it, but of course, are excited to have me join them ;)

I love Babywise and don't know how Mamas survive the first year without it!

by Ellie

Babywise and Adoption

by Elaine - http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/

I have 3 children, ages 7, 5 and almost 2 years old. They are all essentially Babywise babies from birth. All of my children were adopted at birth. My youngest was a very unexpected adoption that happened within the span of 2.5 weeks. As in, we went from being a family of 4, starting our first year of homeschooling our then 5 and 3 year old daughters to adopting our first son in a city 2.5 hours away from home!

Our son had a lot of health concerns at birth and spent the first 4 weeks of his life in the NICU. That time in our family was extremely chaotic as we had the stress of the adoption on top of the health concerns with our new son on top of being separated from our daughters for a month while we sat by our son’s side in the NICU.

Once we brought our son home, I was so relieved to finally have all members of our family under one roof, but the chaos did not go away anytime soon. Our son required round-the-lock constant care and attention to the point that it was not possible for me to care for all three of my children on my own. Fortunately, we had help and support from family in those first several months.

The Babywise principles were already ingrained in my older children, so it was not difficult to keep the basics of their routine and schedules in place. Because our lives were turned upside down during that time, I had to just survive off the basics of Babywise and a lot of prayer!

Looking back, it was enough, because my 5 and 3 year olds were at least eating, sleeping and playing in a semi-orderly manner while our family was dealing with the chaos that came from caring for a special needs newborn. I remember specifically thinking during that time, “What if the girls were not sleeping well? I would lose my mind.”

It was about 3 months before I could attempt to manage all 3 kids alone. I had implemented as best I could the basics of Babywise with my son. I was feeding him every 3 hours (or sooner if he was hungry earlier! Surprise! Surprise! Babywise mamas don’t deny their hungry babies food.), attempting a nap after an appropriate waketime and beginning his day at the same time every morning so we could fall into a good routine eventually.

It took many months (actually, over a year) for our family to fall into a good groove with 3 children. I think part of that was just the going from 2 to 3 children transition - for many, apparently, that is the hardest transition. It certainly was for me! Another part of it was our son’s special needs in that first year and him going through surgery at 6 months old. His little body had a lot of healing to do that first year.

When he was 18 months old, I knew we had made it through that rough season. And, for a third time, Babywise had given our children the stability they needed to grow and thrive. Our oldest two children got through that time because they had a good Babywise foundation. The first year of my son’s life, I implemented Babywise as much as I could and when I could. Now at almost 2 years old, he sleeps 12 hours at night and takes a 3 hour nap!

This is a testimony to the fact that holding your baby when they need to be held does not “spoil” them at all. Those first 3 months, he was in my arms more than he was in a crib. He needed me to hold him because he was in pain. Even still, I was working on Babywise with him, little by little, as I could and as he could handle. Little by little, he started sleeping more and more in his crib and because I was doing the foundational principles of Babywise with him (feeding every 3 hours, starting his day at the same time every morning, doing whatever I had to do to get him to sleep when it was sleep time), he is a Babywise baby just like my other two children and our whole family reaps those benefits today!

He had very short waketimes and didn’t drop his morning nap until I forced him to drop it at 21 months old (because we are about to adopt again and I needed to transition him to his new 1 nap schedule before the baby is born!). In other words, he loves his sleep and slept way longer than even the average for a Babywise baby his age. I firmly believe all the sleep he got (and still gets) helped him heal from everything he endured in utero. He has made remarkable progress from a baby that was born blue and nearly died at birth had the hand of God and a team of brave paramedics not come to his rescue on the night he was born.

Babywise works. I think the key is using the brain God gave you to implement it. It is a tool that you can use to bring consistency and predictability to your baby’s life. It is not a rule book that must be followed to a T because every baby is a unique individual.

Babywise has worked 3 times for us and I am excited to once again use these principles to bring stability and predictability to another baby!

3 Easy Steps To Get Your Baby Sleeping Through The Night

by Erica Hicks
http://halfagonyandhope.com/

Who am I kidding, there's no short cuts in parenting!  You have to do the work, put in the time, but that is why we do it right!  Right?  

I'm a new, first-time mom, and I'm loving every minute of it.  But I'm all about gathering tips and tricks to make life run smoother so I can enjoy it more.  And this tip is no gimmick. Babywise saved my sanity.  And for something I had never even heard of just four short months ago, it has changed my life.

STEP ONE: READ (the book and babywise websites like The Chronicles of a Babywise Mom)

Rewind to the beginning of March, and you'd find me circling a roller derby track warming up with my derby "Big Sister", chatting about her recent adoption.  She had just told me that her 9 week old baby was now sleeping through the night.  I almost fell over - and it wasn't because of the 8 wheels on my feet.  I needed to know more!  And I needed to know quickly!  See, although nothing was final yet, there was a possibility that I would also be adopting in a few short weeks.  So I needed to know more about this secret sauce to get the baby sleeping.  I was intrigued, and immediately purchased the book and started reading.

Sure enough, we brought our beautiful baby boy home the beginning of April.  We only had about a month to prepare, and even then nothing was definite until we left the hospital.  Luckily, my derby "Big" had shared this amazing tool with me.  I consulted the book almost daily for the first few weeks.  The growth spurts that it listed were RIGHT-ON...something else that I had never really heard of before.  I'm not sure how I was so baby-clueless before.

STEP TWO: WAKE THE BABY

The biggest adjustment in thinking for me, my husband, and our extended family was the whole concept of waking the baby up to get it on schedule.  (Some of them still think we're crazy, all I can say is hey...it's working!)  I think I even said it out loud as I was reading it, "WHAT!?!  You are never suppose to wake a sleeping baby!!!"  I was about to put the book down and start looking for help somewhere else.  But I kept reading, and as I did things began to click in my brain.  This actually makes sense!

I know it says to not even worry about working on a sleep schedule for the first few weeks, but just having the schedule there as a guide was so helpful.  We tried to be fluid and relaxed about it, and just enjoy the time with the new family addition, and it worked great.  And he fell right in line with the schedule.  It was really amazing how well it worked...especially when I would wake him up to keep him on a regular schedule.

STEP THREE: LOOK FOR PATTERNS AND ADJUST

I was a super big nerd and made excel spreadsheets to keep track of the feeding times, amount of ounces, and wet/dirty diapers.  Mostly because lack of sleep causes one to seriously loose your mind.  Plus, since we adopted and were formula feeding, my husband and I could rotate feeding times.  This way we could write the info down and the next person knew when to expect the next feeding without having to wake each other up to ask.  We cruised right along with feedings pretty much at every three hours until about week 6.  Other than the 10 day growth spurt, which was AWFUL, he's been a great eater and sleeper.  Starting about week 5 he started trying to drop his early morning feeding, the times adjusted all over the place until it finally settled in week 6 to about 3:30am.  

Our "goal" times from week 5 - week 8 were 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 11pm and 3am.  And that's pretty much exactly what he did.  As with life though, there was always some flex and adjustments.  Reading Babywise and sites like Val's helped us so much, just knowing what to expect gave us such peace.  And then it happened...week 9.  He dropped his over night feeding.  He wasn't quite making it to our goal start time of 7am, but I can handle an early riser with a full night's sleep.  

We seemed to be settling into a rhythm, so I sat down and looked over my nerdy spreadsheets to see what time I could try to work in a regular quiet time with my journal and Bible again.  Since bringing him home, and then going back to work at week 6 I hadn't figured out the best time for that again.  I'm a creature of habit, and if it's not at a regular time for me, it usually doesn't happen.  And that's when I realized he was usually waking at about 6:30am, not the 7am like I was trying for.  So, instead of trying to make that happen, I just adjusted my thinking, and his schedule.  

I also got a little more relaxed in my "schedule" mentality.  Instead of shooting for a specific time (to the minute) for his next feeding, I tried for a range of about an hour.  I had always been attentive to his cues for food or sleep, but I would also try to make the schedule happen.  Suddenly my brain shifted, it relaxed into this new thing called motherhood.  Instead of feeling totally unprepared and clueless, I was feeling more in control, and prepared.  Our schedule, was still a schedule, but it became much more natural.  So for week 11, our new adjusted and relaxed "goal" times were: 6:30-7:30am, 9:30-10:30am, 12:30-1:30pm, 3:30-4:30pm, 6:30-7:30pm, and 9:30-10:30pm.  

STEP FOUR: RELAX & ENJOY

I know I said 3 Steps, but this last one is so important to remember as you try to survive these long hours in these first few weeks.  It seems like it's never going to end, but when you stop and look at the bigger picture, it's really not that long.  Don't miss it!  Enjoy it!  

Now we're at week 13, and the next magical step happened....he dropped/adjusted his late feeding.  What a difference some sleep can make!  His new evening schedule is usually 3:30pm,5:30pm, and 9:00pm.  And then he's been sleeping until almost 7:00am, longer than he was when he was taking that last, later feeding before.  We had been doing a dream-fed for the late night one, in hopes that he would make it longer in the mornings so we could get ready for work.  But when we stopped doing that one night he actually slept longer!  So we just continued that, and let him sleep.  It's been working great.

I'm not sure what I would have done without Babywise.  But I do know that I'm telling everyone I can about this way of thinking.  And when people tell me I'm lucky because I have a good sleeper, I tell them, "NO way, we've worked hard for this!"

This, Too, Shall Pass {Guest Post}

by Elaine from http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/

As a general rule, I dislike the “newborn phase”. Newborns are challenging! I know some love the newborn phase. The newness of life, the newborn noises and smells. I enjoy those aspects of course, but the sleepless nights and frequent feedings are very tiring, especially when you have older children that are up and ready to start their day even though you were up with the newborn half the night.

My youngest is just four months old and we are just now coming out of the difficult “newborn phase” with him. All of my children are adopted and all three of them had to go through Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome (NAS) upon birth due to drug exposure in the womb. This is the main reason I dislike the “newborn phase”. There is nothing fun or pleasant about watching your baby go through something like that.

My son spent the first four weeks of his life in the NICU. When we brought him home he required constant 24/7 care. Because of severe stomach pain associated with eating and digesting food, it took him over one hour to eat. After he ate, he would be in extreme pain that often times would last until it was just about time to start the cycle over again with his next feeding.

The first 2-3 months home with him were extremely challenging. I would daily tell myself that “This too shall pass.” In those months, it felt like I had been given a life sentence and my life was going to forever be consumed with a baby boy consumed in pain. There were days and weeks when I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I would keep telling myself that “This too shall pass.”

And you know what?

It did.

Even if there was no drug exposure in the womb, the first 3-4 months of a baby’s life can be extremely challenging, especially to a new parent. You might be thinking that your life is over and you will never feel normal again! You might be wondering if you will ever sleep again for more than 1-3 hour increments. You might be wondering if your baby is going to forever be fussy during the hours of 7-10pm.

This too shall pass. I promise.

You are also probably wondering if anything you are doing with Babywise is going to make a difference! This was my 3rd baby but the one most affected by the NAS. I held him more than I didn’t during his first month or two of life. I thought for sure I was going to have a baby that didn’t know how to sleep in the crib.

But you know what I learned? If there is a genuine issue going on with your baby (NAS, colic, witching hour, etc.) holding baby to sleep is NOT going to “spoil” them. My son needed me to hold him as much as I did. When I could, I would lay him down to sleep in his Rock N Play. I always encouraged sleep in there because I knew my ultimate goal was not to co-sleep but to have him sleeping in his own bed.

As time passed and his pain decreased more and more, do you know where my son wanted to sleep? His Rock N Play! There was seriously a day when I was trying to get him to sleep in my arms and I realized he wanted me to put him down in his bed! From then on, he has slept in his bed for the majority of his sleeps.

This too shall pass. And in the meantime work towards your Babywise goals when you can.

With babies, they are constantly growing and developing. Focus on full feeds, eat-play-sleep cycles, appropriate wake times and, for newborns, Valerie’s Sleep Hierarchy and, with the passing of time, you will notice improvements.

At 4.5 months old, my baby’s eating and sleeping patterns are well established and he is most definitely a Babywise Baby. I know difficult phases will arise again, but I also know….this too shall pass!!

Talking About Adoption {Guest Post}

How do you talk to an adopted child about their adoption story?

When it came to this particular topic concerning adoption, my husband and I simply discussed the matter and decided pretty quickly that we would openly talk about our girls’ adoption stories from a very early age so that there will never be a time in their lives when they are not aware of their adoption stories.

We came up with five ways we felt this could best be accomplished and, so far, we are seeing beautiful results in teaching our daughters their adoption stories in this way.

1. Tell them their adoption story when they are very young.

We desire for their stories to be familiar to them from the time they can even begin to slightly understand their adoption stories. We didn’t want this to be something that we formally tell them when they are old enough to understand the complete story. We don’t want the fact they are adopted to be a surprise to them. Instead we want them to begin having an understanding about being adopted at a very early age.

Our oldest daughter is 4.5 years old and it is amazing what she understands about her story. From the time she was about 2 years old, she knew that she “used to be in Mrs. Tracy’s tummy” and that was the extent to what she knew. She didn’t need to know any more than that at the age of two. She probably didn’t understand what that simple statement meant at that age either, but that was the foundational phrase we wanted to use to build her adoption story for her. We wanted her to never remember a time she didn't know that simple fact.

The way we introduced this statement was when she became curious about the pregnant belly. I cannot remember whose pregnant belly she asked about but I used her curiosity about the pregnant belly to have this simple conversation with her at around the age of two years old:

Me: (in reference the pregnant belly) Little Bug, did you know that you did not grow in Mommy’s tummy?

Little Bug: Why? (The “Why Stage” comes in real handy here!)

Me: You used to be in Mrs. Tracy’s tummy!

And that was all the information she needed at the age of two. I look at this phase of talking to my girls about their stories as the time when we are planting seeds to further discussions in the future.

2. Tell them details that are age-appropriate.

Those discussions will come! I can remember feeling nervous about this, wondering what I would say when Little Bug was ready to hear more.

We decided to simply tell her age-appropriate details, nothing more and nothing less. There are details about her story that are not appropriate for her to know at the age of four. However, as she gets older and grows into a young lady she will be able to handle learning about some of the more difficult and sensitive details about her story.

For now, we tell Little Bug the four-year-old version of her adoption and it goes something like this:

Mommy and Daddy prayed that God would put a baby in Mommy’s tummy. But God kept saying, “No!” Mommy and Daddy were very sad, but we trusted God. God created you and you were growing in Mrs. Tracy’s belly. Mrs. Tracy decided that we would be the best parents for you and when you were born she gave you to us so we could be your Mommy and Daddy. God knew all along that you would be our special baby girl.

That’s all she needs to know at the tender age of four. As she gets older, we will continue to build and expand on this foundational story that has already been planted in her heart.

3. Allow the child’s curiosity to spur adoption conversations.

We don’t press Little Bug to talk about being adopted. Most of our adoption conversations have been initiated by her. We don’t feel the need to constantly bombard her with “adoption talk” and instead take the approach of talking about her story whenever her natural curiosity desires to know more.

4. Don’t hide anything.

As our daughters grow up and may or may not want to know every little detail concerning their adoptions, we will hide nothing from them. It’s their story. They have a right to know and who better to tell them than us? I kept handwritten journals while we were going through both adoption processes. Those journals have very intricate details about things that happened along the way that I knew I would forget had I not written everything down. I imagine myself handing over my journals to my daughters one day and letting them read them at their leisure as they continue to put the pieces of their stories together, one by one.

We desire for them to both understand that in our family, their stories are not taboo; we are all willing to talk about anything, anytime. All they have to do is express interest in learning more and they will have access to every piece of information we have access to.

5. Focus on the redemption found in adoption.

Every adoption has a painful side. That is the very reason the adoption was necessary. Adoption is the result of some kind of crisis, most likely. There is also a beautiful side to adoption and we will choose to focus on that with our daughters. This does not mean we will neglect the painful aspects. That is not it at all. We will talk about the painful aspects of their adoptions but we will also be sure our girls understand God’s redemptive love that is evident in their adoptions for both us and their birth mothers. We will choose to focus on that.

Our Plan in Action

While at a Reunion in Beersheba Springs I was sitting on the couch and Little Bug was standing in front of me. As I was siting there I heard Little Bug start telling my mom’s classmate, “Mommy prayed for me to be in her tummy, but God didn't."

I immediately put my full attention on her to see where this was going to go.

Never before had I heard Little Bug use those words to tell her story. They were basically the exact same words I have been using for a couple years now to tell her her story!

The classmate said, “Well, you were in somebody’s tummy, weren't you?!”

And Little Bug enthusiastically replied, “I used to be in Ms. Tracy’s tummy” and then, with a big smile she turned to me where I was siting on the couch and said, “but this is my mommy!”

That was the extent of the conversation and Little Bug was on to something else but I sat there for a couple minutes, just amazed.

I don’t know what kind of emotions Little Bug may have to deal with later on in life due to her adoption, but I do know I have desired from the beginning to make her adoption be something positive and special in her life because that is the truth. It was something positive that happened in her life and I believe one day she will see the complete picture of why being adopted was such a positive event in her life.

I think for her four year old little mind, we are on the right path. The simple story God laid on my heart to tell her when she was just a toddler has taken root in her heart and I am beginning to see those results now as she is initiating adoption conversation to others.

Elaine blogs at God’s Faithfulness Through Infertility about infertility, adoption, Babywise, parenting and her new adventure of homeschooling her two daughters who were adopted via domestic infant adoptions.

Babywise with Two Adopted Children

I have two girls, ages 4 and almost 2. Both of my daughters were adopted at birth. I started BW with my oldest when she was 15 weeks old. She was short napping because she would wake for the paci. I knew she needed more sleep than she was getting. A friend had given me the Babywise book and I decided to check it out. I started immediately sleep training my daughter. Within a week, she was not crying when laid down to nap and she was sleeping 1.5-2 hours for her naps (instead of waking at 45 minutes for her paci). 

So many people hear the word "Babywise" and automatically think of sleep training and a baby crying. But Babywise is so much more than that! My 2nd daughter came along when my oldest was just over two years old. I startedBW with her from birth. Exposed to drugs in the womb, my youngest had stomach issues that made her have reflux-like symptoms. There is no doubt in my mind that the routine and predictability of Babywise helped her condition to be easier to manage and helped me know exactly what she needed and when. I always felt so in tune to my both of my baby's needs and I know that was a direct result from doing BW with them. I didn't have to guess whether they were tired or hungry and, for the most part, they never even had to cry to alert me that they were tired or hungry - their needs were always met before it got to that point!

I absolutely love the predictability and consistency BW has given our entire family. The girls know what happens next (because of our daily routine/schedule) and our family runs like a well-oiled machine because everything has a place and time. There is no resistance to bedtime/naptime in our house because the girls just know that is part of their daily schedule. 

When the girls were little (as in 2.5 yrs old & 6 months) Babywise was seriously a life-saver! Taking care of two little ones like that was a challenge (especially with a baby recovering from exposure to drugs in the womb), but BWgave me the tools I needed to not just survive those months but to actually feel like things were under control (for the most part!) and every one's needs were being met - including mine and my husband's.

At ages 4 and (almost) 2, I still have my girls on a predictable routine/schedule. I have two girls who sleep 11-12 hours at night with a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon. They are so well rested, we don't have meltdowns constantly. My children are pleasant to be around. I know as we begin our homeschooling journey having them used to being on a schedule is only going to help make our homeschool run as smooth as possible.

Family life does not have to be filled with chaos all the time because "that is just how it is with little kids in the house"! Sure, there are times when things are chaotic around here, but ultimately you can describe our family as one with order, predictability and consistency to every season of our lives even when things seem to be "out of sorts" due to certain circumstances.

I am thankful to God that He allowed me to learn about BW when my oldest was still so little and I am so thankful for the stability BW has brought my family of four.

-Eliane from  faithfullyinfertile.com

Babywise and Adoption

I have two daughters. My oldest is 3 and my youngest is 10 months. They were both adopted at birth. My youngest was born addicted to methadone and she had to go through withdrawals. The main thing that was affected was her digestive system. She had a very sensitive stomach and would writhe in pain after feedings. Over the first several weeks of her life, we learned what would help her: Zantac, ready made similac allimentum formula, Rock n Play sleeper, mylecon and Gripe Water. However, I believe the foundation of all that was Babywise!!

I vowed to start my second child on Babywise from birth - and I did. The first 2-3 months with her were tough as we tried to manage her "reflux-like" symptoms from the drug withdrawal. The stability that Babywise gave us was simply amazing. I know Babywise made all the difference in the world with her. The stability and predictability that Babywise gives was what her little body needed while going through those withdrawals. 

My daughters are 26 months apart but I never wanted my children 2 years apart (God had other plans, thankfully!). However, this past year with a 2-year-old and baby has really been smooth sailing overall, thanks to Babywise. I pictured chaotic days with both girls needing me at the same time and both girls crying while I feel frazzled and pulled in two different directions. Because of Babywise it is a rare day for me to feel that way at all! We have our daily schedule/routine and the girls know what comes next. 

People are always concerned about bonding when it comes to adoption. I feel that Babywise allowed me to bond and know my baby's cries and what it meant from a very early age. When my baby is upset and crying I always know exactly what the problem is or, with some troubleshooting, I am able to figure things out pretty quickly. 

Babywise works for my family beautifully. It has given me the ability as a mother to know my children and meet their needs before they even have to ask and it has given my family as a whole stability and consistency, even with two small children. 

-Elaine

Website: http://www.faithfullyinfertile.com/

Babywise and the Adopted Child

We had friends who implemented Babywise and were eager to do so ourselves when we adopted our son, but were unsure what to do with an already established routine from the children's home and forming a proper attachment/bonding. 

At 10 weeks old we were able to bring him home and were filled with joy. Even though this is considered early in adoption circles, we only wished it was from day one, as we would have loved to have known him his whole life. 

The house mother at the children's home he stayed at gave us very little information. "He eats every 3 hours, 24 hours a day, we even wake him up for it if needed. And likes to be in arms as much as possible. He eats ____ per hour." That's it! Off we went with this little person that we knew not much else about. 

I remember feeling this pit of my stomach fear. Would we be able to reshape these habits? 

That first day, I kept wanting to pick up the phone and call the house mother to get more information. Finally it was my husband that said lovingly and firmly, "We are his parents now, we set the way forward". And so we did. 

First things first, we figured out how much really was a full feeding for him. Turns out he was eating too little and thus very upset after meals. 

After we knew he wasn't hungry, we worked on the shock we noticed he was in, so we "wore him" for days (only during awake times). Yes, this may seem very non-Babywise. But, we firmly believed that Babywise is about being Parent-Directed. He needed to get to know a new home, new smells, and a consistant set of caregivers. We as the parents felt that he needed this most in his transition. And it didn't ruin our plan.

Next we set him on a daytime schedule. Within weeks, it was visible what how the routine made him feel secure. In this routine, we could get to know him better as opposed to chaos. I would even say as adoptive parents, this gave us confidence that we DID have the capacity to know our son and read his cries even if he wasn't from my body.

Then we worked on the nights, setting firm bedtime and morning wake time. He had never even had the chance to STTN since he was always woken up just to keep the schedule going for the whole children's home. (Which I am grateful for the care they gave him, and understand that they want to be sure no baby goes hungry because they fell through the cracks. But it is the difference between institutional care and a home.) At nights we let him sleep and surprisingly HE DID! He managed at first about 5-6 hours and we were overjoyed. Slowly, we worked on stretching it out to a full 10-12 hour night. 

It wasn't easy but I'm pleased to report that with in a month of being home, he was eating well, gaining weight appropriately, happy during awake times, napping well, and most importantly sleeping a solid 12 hour night. 

He's now over 13 months old and affectionately called "the champ sleeper". He's a wonderful child who is well bonded and knows his mama and pappa love him. He gives affection, laughs, plays well, and is a joy for other people in his life (family, babysitters, church friends, etc). You would never know we got a late start on Babywise. 

-Mary