Showing posts with label pre-toddler. Show all posts

Understanding Accidental Behavior

We stared at each other. I had only nano-seconds to make a judgement call. Was that intentional? Did she mean to spill that milk? Or was it an accident? I didn't want to punish a simple mistake, but on the flip side, I didn't want her thinking spilling milk intentionally was something I was cool with.

Our little ones start out so sweet that we really can't imagine them every doing anything they shouldn't on purpose. As our children grow, however, we are often encountered with undesirable behavior. Fits are thrown. Tangible objects are thrown. Tempers are lost...behavior leaves innocent land.

The first step in knowing how we react to the behavior is to identify if the behavior was "childish" or "foolish." This post contains affiliate links. This does not increase your cost at all.

The book On Becoming Babywise book Two by Gary Ezzo and Robert Buckman talks about childish vs. foolish. Childishness is accidental. It is done because your child is naive and does not understand or know the rules and appropriate behavior. In other words, because your child is a child. Foolishness is when your child is acting out of direct defiance for a rule he or she understands. In other words, because your child is a child. Obviously we will react differently is the behavior is childish versus if the behavior was foolish.

In the early years of my child's life, I like to err on the side of assuming behavior was "childish." I make my first assumption be that the behavior was done out of childishness rather than foolishness. It is a time for teaching. As your child gets older and you get to know your child better, you will have a good idea if actions were childish or not. That doesn't mean you will always judge perfectly.

For examples on childishness, foolishness, and in between, see this post: Childishness vs. Foolishness.

HOW TO PREVENT

Prevent childish behavior by teaching your children. Teach them ahead of time what is okay and what isn't okay. You need to Teach What Obedience Looks Like. You obviously will not be able to cover every situation before it happens. If you are going into a new situation, however, you can do some training ahead of time to give your child knowledge and tools to prepare for it. You can read more about this in my post Training in Times of Non-Conflict.

Before you enter a situation, remind your child of appropriate behavior. If you are going to the park, explain that when it is time to go home, your child needs to come to you nicely and without throwing a fit. At home, before you leave, demonstrate what is an appropriate reaction and what is not. Then ask your child to do the same. When you get to the park, before you exit the car/start to play, remind your child of the rules. Then ask your child to repeat to you what is expected. This helps you know if your child understands or not. This method is called "Ask and Tell."

HOW TO REACT

The first thing to do when your child has done something she shouldn't is to take a moment to decide if the behavior was childish or foolish. Look at your child, analyze the context of the situation, and think through what your child knows and doesn't know in life. You can ask questions of your child if you need to. Decide if it was childish or foolish. Once you have determined it was childish (on accident), move on to these ideas.

Just because an action was innocent or not intentional doesn't mean that it needs no reaction from you as as a parent. First, react with patience to your child. This is often easier said than done! Let's take something as simple as spilling milk. That sounds benign on paper. When a child spills a cup of milk, however, it can be very frustrating--even if the spill was just an accident. It can be harder to be patient in a situation like that when the child spilled milk because she was playing superman with her sandwich. She wasn't meaning to spill, but she spilled not just from young hands but from goofing around. Do your best to be patient. If you lose your patience, apologize to your child.

Gently encourage the child in the correct way to act. If a child runs in a place where running is inappropriate, explain to your child what is appropriate. Explain what the child did that was not okay and then instruct on what to do instead. "We do not run in the church. Fold your arms and walk instead." Again, remember prevention. If your child is prone to run, go over the rules before you enter a place that is not appropriate to run in.

Do not make the mistake of simply telling a child what not to do--children benefit greatly with being told what they can do instead. Think of yourself approaching an intersection and not knowing which way to go. You decide to go straight and I tell you, "No! Don't go straight!" That doesn't leave you knowing where you should go, just that I don't want you going straight. Always remember children are very new to life and need instruction beyond just what is wrong.

Another step to take is to have your child help right a wrong if needed. Just because something is childish, or accidental, doesn't mean restitution doesn't need to be made when appropriate If you are in the store and bump into someone on accident, you apologize. You don't just say, "I didn't mean to!" and walk off. Adults (most of them) understand this concept.

If a child spills a glass of milk on accident, it is absolutely appropriate for the child to help clean it up as the child is able. If the child hurts someone, the child absolutely should offer an apology (which, by the way, is often very difficult for children to do--they often do not like apologizing for accidents. Side bar--stress to your children that it is important and okay to apologize for things even if no ill intent was there. The action was still done whether it was intentional or not. See I'm Sorry vs. Forgive Me for more on this).

You also need to have a lot of patience for your child. Be patient with your child's efforts. Accept your child's best. Remember your child is a child. Try to imagine judging life and how to act based only on the last three years of life. That can help you put into perspective what a child automatically know and what she doesn't. Also realize that children are little scientists. A child will often repeat behavior that she was told was not okay in an effort to figure out exactly what wasn't okay. This will happen because the child is still building her vocabulary. Brinley has always been very verbal, and she has asked what words mean from a young age. I would give an instruction and she would think for a minute and then say, "What [fill in word] means, Mama?" Your toddler might not fully understand what you meant when you said it wasn't okay to blow raspberries while eating. So she will try it again and try it with variations so she can figure out what is not okay and what isn't okay.

This leads us to the importance of you being consistent in your corrections. You need to consistently correct for behavior so your child has the best chance of learning what she can do and what she cannot do. Try to explain things clearly and in a way your child can understand. You might need to demonstrate.

HOW NOT TO REACT

Do not jump to conclusions. While children often make mistakes, most children make them innocently. Most children are not trying to make you upset or cause trouble.

Do not assume your child understands all of the rules and social graces of life. If you have not explicitly taught your child about something, your child likely does not know. A common encounter parents have is the day the child loudly points out something about a stranger. Like the time McKenna asked why a man's tummy was so big. As parents, we are usually quite embarrassed! The child usually has not ever been told that such a question is not polite. Children are also usually black and white and can't understand why it isn't okay to ask a question about what they observe.

Do not expect your child to draw connections. Teaching your child to be quiet in one setting is not going to mean that your child will be able to enter a similar setting and draw the conclusion that it is likely necessary to be quiet in the new setting also. As children get older, they are better able to make those connections and judgement but younger children are not.

Do not freak out. Maintain your "cool." Be patient with your child. Be kind in correcting. Overreaction on your part will stress your child out. No one likes to be berated for accidents, including children. I guess no one really likes to be berated no matter the reason. Harsh correction can influence self-worth and make children anxious. Encourage your child to improve and keep working at it. Accept our child's best effort.

CONCLUSION

Have patience for these moments of childishness--they happen quite often. You can do your best to prevent childish behavior, but you will still encounter childish behavior quite often. It is important to treat it as childish and not as premeditated action. Children take time to learn the intricacies of life. Help your child learn why it wasn't okay, what would have been okay instead, and how to make restitution if necessary.

Optimal Waketime Lengths for Toddlers (12-24 Months Old)

It isn't only babies who need their waketime length correct. It is also toddlers. A toddler who is up too long can get grumpy and stay awake through the entire nap time, which leads to a less-than-fun evening. A toddler who is not awake long enough before nap time can stay awake through the entire nap...which again leads to a rough evening. If you want your toddler to nap well, you need waketime length correct.

Caring about naps and night sleep doesn't go away when your baby leaves "baby" and moves to "toddler" (and won't go away after that, either!). When I recently posted a helpful graphic on Optimal Waketimes for 0-12 Months, many of you asked for one for the toddlers, too. So here you go! I love to know what you want and need, so please always give that feedback.

You can view this graphic on this blog--you can bookmark the page or Pin the image. You can also view it on my Drive. I have added it to my Chronicles Book of Logs. When you purchase that ebook, you will have it included.

How long a toddler should be awake infographic

Distraction as a Discipline Tool

A very handy tool for discipline with older babies, toddlers, and even at times preschoolers is distraction.

What is Distraction

Distraction is taking your child's attention and placing it elsewhere. Let's say your little pre-toddler is determined to pull the leaves off your plant. If you are going for distraction in this situation, you will find something else of interest for your pre-toddler to pay attention to.

When and How Often To Use Distraction

You want to limit how often you use distraction in its raw form. The problem with distraction is that it can easily become you trying to find something exciting for your child anytime he is upset in an effort to prevent the little tantrum. You don't want to try to prevent your child from ever being upset--those feelings will come and unfortunately life is full of disappointments.

There are circumstances where distraction is absolutely okay to use. I would say any time you are in public and see a melt-down coming on, you can go to distraction if needed. An example might be at church your 11 month old is trying to grab the scriptures off your neighbor's lap. You pull out a toy you have brought with you that day to distract your child from grabbing the scriptures. Also if your child is hungry, tired, or sick, distraction can be a great tool. I often use distraction with a tired child when out and about--I try to do things to distract her from being tired. So I might lift her in the air, get out a book, get out a toy, get out a snack, tickle her, etc. Exactly what I do depends on our location and what is appropriate for where we are.

When using distraction, try to avoid something that seems like a big reward. Let's go back to the plant. You can pick up your child and say, "Let's read a story together!" and go read the book. That is a great distraction. You don't want to say hand your child some treat. It won't take your child long to figure out if he grabs at the plant, he will get a tootsie roll.

I find I use distraction often as a tool to avoid even going to a tantrum or mini-fit. Here is an example. This morning, I got Brinley out of bed. I typically let Brinley go straight to breakfast after getting up. She does a bath after breakfast many days. I also figure I prefer one less meal in her clothes for the day (less food on the clothes, though she isn't too messy of an eater). This morning, however, I was going to help in Kaitlyn's class soon after Brinley got up. I wanted her dressed before breakfast so she would be ready for the day when my mom came to watch her.

I knew that since getting dressed was out of her normal routine, and I also knew she is hungry when she gets up and excited to go eat. I got her out of bed and told her we were getting dressed first thing today. I put her on her changing table and before she could process to the point of protesting, I immediately started asking her if she had a good sleep and talking to her. This distracted her and got her thinking about what I was saying rather than dwelling on the lack of immediate breakfast. There was no tantrum or sign of being upset. This is the best way to use distraction--literally distracting your child from even thinking about the chance of being upset. You are distracting the brain before it even goes to tantrum or fit mode.

Alternative Methods

A great method that is along the same idea line as distraction is Substitution. The difference between substitution and distraction is subtle. Both methods attempt to draw the child's attention away from the undesirable behavior. The beauty of substitution is that you give the child something to do that is similar and yet done in a desirable location or medium. You look at what it is your child is wanting to do and try to give the same sensory/physical experience in an acceptable location. An example might be spitting water. This isn't something you want done at the table, but it is fine in the bathtub. Children are little scientists, so offering them the chance to explore the activity or something similar enough will prevent them from insisting on doing the activity in an unacceptable location.

Another similar method is redirection. I think the difference between redirection and distraction can be largely semantics, but your view of the method is important. With redirection, you take your child from the unacceptable behavior and point them toward an activity that is acceptable. Your point here is to stop the undesirable behavior and give your child an idea of what can be done instead. Your point is not to prevent a meltdown or to avoid making your child sad. Sometimes with the idea of "distraction," we are willing to do things that become a slippery slope.

With redirection, you might say, "You may not pull the leaves off the plant. You may play with your fridge magnets, though." There will be many times your child will insist on the plant and be unhappy with your idea. Follow through. This is learning time for your child. When using redirection, remember to allow your child to Surrender with Dignity.

Conclusion

No matter what you call it, keep principles in mind. Do not give in to the tantrum that will often follow when your child is told no. Give your child an idea of what is acceptable instead of what he is trying to do. Do not offer alternative activities with the intent to bribe your child out of the tantrum or tears. With these basics in mind, you will be on the right track.

See Also:

How to Align Baby's Meal Times with Family's Meal Times

As I have been doing "Hash it out Monday" on Facebook (come join us--we talk out our problems), I have gotten at least one question about aligning meals with the family each week. I have an old post on the topic and in it I talk about it being a natural progression. It really is. It isn't something you will need to really plan out or stress over. However, I know we all like information, so here is some information to help guide you and help you get mentally prepared.

Start with Finger Foods at Family Meals

I would consider the first step in aligning meals with the family to be starting by having the baby sit with you at family meals and eat finger foods while the family eats. You will likely feed the baby her meal first, then do a family meal. Let's take lunch for example. If your baby is eating at 7-11-3-7, then you would feed baby her liquid and solids at 11. Let's say your family eats lunch at noon. At noon, you would put your baby in the high chair (or whatever you use) and give her finger foods that are safe for her while your family eats lunch.

Start with Breakfast

Breakfast will likely be your easiest meal to align with the family. This is a matter of having baby eat her first meal of the day with the family. If she wakes up earlier than the family eats, you can simply get her dressed and ready for the day prior to eating to extend the time before she eats. You also might need to move breakfast earlier to meet the baby's needs of eating.

Shift Family Meals if Needed

This leads me to my next topic. Shift the times of day your family eats if needed. We eat dinner pretty early compared to most people I know. We do this so that whatever baby/toddler we have at the time can eat soon after nap time is over. As your child gets older, you can shift the family meal time back to what you want it to be.

Add Lunch Time

The next meal that is easy to add is lunch. You might need to shift lunch time, but most babies are up during lunch whether they have two naps or one. The trick would be if your child can wait all the way until your lunch time to eat lunch.

Snack Time Might Be Required

Another option other than shifting family meal times is to offer snacks to the toddler. If your spouse isn't home until later and you need dinner later in the evening, for example, you can do a snack right after nap and then dinner when it works best for your family. Always be mindful of snacks with children. Keep them healthy and small. You don't want to create a snacking habit. You don't want your child eating enough at the snack that she isn't hungry for dinner and then wakes early in the morning. You have to come to a place where she gets enough to be satisfied but not so much she won't eat her next meal.

Do Not Rush It

Quite frankly, sometimes it is easier to not have a baby's meal at the same time the rest of the family is eating. I found this true when nursing my babies. I couldn't very well be fixing a meal at the same time I was breastfeeding a baby. I did the feed baby the meal, then give baby finger foods while we eat thing for as long as I was breastfeeding.

The day will come when your child is eating with you at meals rather than at different times. There is no reason you need to force it or make life more stressful by trying to get meals aligned. I do think family meals are important, but you can have your child eat finger foods rather than stressing a meal earlier than you or your baby are ready for. It is great to have your baby present at the meal. You can gain benefits of family meal time just by having your child at the table--she doesn't have to be eating her official meal.

Age Guidelines

There really isn't a right or wrong age for this. Do what seems right for your child and your family. People do this anywhere from 9 months to 24 months. That is quite a range. For me, I didn't even consider aligning meals until the child was done breastfeeding. So that put us at 12 months old before thinking about it. I did have finger foods at meals earlier than that. It is a great thing to do if your child is awake for the meal. I would say so long as your child is awake during the meal time, have your child sitting with the family.

By the time your child is at one nap, she is likely ready for having meals with the family. At that point, she is eating breakfast with the family, up for lunch with family, and can eat dinner with the family if you shift dinner time or offer a snack post-nap.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

Poll Discussion: Sleep Totals for 12-15 Months Old

Today's poll is on sleep totals. Parents often find themselves wondering if the amount of sleep their child is getting is in a normal range. This poll is specifically for children in the 12-15 month age range.

1-What was your child's optimal waketime length for 12-15 months old?

2-What time was your child's morning waketime (what time did he/she get up) at 12-15 months?

3-What time was your child's bedtime at 12-15 months?

4-How many hours did your child usually sleep at night at 12-15 months?

5-How many naps did your child take a day at 12-15 months?

6-How long was each nap usually at 12-15 months?

7-Looking at all of the sleep as a whole, do you think your child was getting the sleep that was ideal for your child at that age range?

8-Other comments if desired.

Best Things: 15-18 Months Old

I have shared before that the newborn stage is not my favorite. I know some of you think that is crazy. It isn't that I didn't love my newborns, it just isn't what I thrive on. I LOVE the toddlers. Love. I can't get enough of toddlers.

Fascinated with world: I love, love watching a toddler of any age take the world in. They watch everything. They drink in every detail. It helps me to see the world with those new eyes, also. Toddlers want to learn. I love working with eager learners.
Growing independence: They just get more and more they are able to do on their own and they get more and more willing to figure out how to entertain themselves when they need to. I am sure this is in large part due to them having had independent playtime, but at this age, my children would start finding something to do when they were waiting on me. For Brinley, that meant emptying cupboards and that wasn't so fun, but for the rest it was benign.
Still pleasant: This is the pre-possessive age. Right around 18 months, most kids get possessive and don't like sharing so much, so this is the end of the era when you don't have the "share" talk so often with the toddler.
Plays more independently: The child really starts to love independent playtime enough to recognize that they want it. They will start to ask for it.
Easily amused: It is still pretty easy to entertain, amuse, and distract a child at this age.
Still sticks by mom: At this age, my little toddler still didn't want to stray too far from me, so going somewhere like the park never resulted in any surprise disappearing acts.
So smart: You just really see how smart these little ones are! It is amazing what these little people can do, and you can watch their intelligence blossom before your eyes.
End of baby: Toddlers in this age range often have a tug-of-war with themselves about if they want to be a baby or a "big kid." So even with this new independence, the child will want to be babied and cuddled at times. It is a weaning process for them, and for you :).
Constant new skills: The new skills are constant with toddlers. New words, new abilities, new emotions...constant. It is an adventure.
Sleeps a lot: Most babies in this range are napping a good bit. Sleep can be a struggle as some drop their naps or are almost ready to drop the nap, but it is usually the last time you will have two naps. I actually love one nap, but two naps has its benefits so it is good to appreciate it for what it is.

What do you love about this age range?

The Screaming Non-Verbal Baby/Toddler

You may be familiar with it. The child who is old enough to know what she wants and certainly has an opinion on what she wants, but she can't communicate it with you. The screaming. The crying. The despair. And that's just you! Kidding, kidding.

Of my four children, Kaitlyn was by far and away my easiest pre-toddler (the age range of 12-18 months). One of Kaitlyn's big talents in life is communicating. She started signing before 7 months. She started talking around the same time. By 14 months, she was speaking sentences. She could communicate what she wanted and she knew we understood her, so there weren't the tantrums that come with communication frustrations.

During Brinley's pre-toddler months, we had a lot of tears shed over communication issues. Now, I happen to be a really good communicator. I read non-verbals like a pro--and really my minor was in communications and we studied those things closely, so I am not just operating off of instinct. I have read studies on such things (fascinating, let me tell you). I often find myself interpreting what my friend's children are trying to tell them--I catch it faster than the mom.

All that to say, even without words, I know what a baby or pre-toddler wants.

But Brinley didn't seem to have respect for my education or years of experience--news flash child! You are my fourth. This isn't my first time in the saddle. She didn't care. Any time she asked for something and I didn't give it to her, she was sure I mis-understood her meaning. Positive. And she has a flair for dramatic emotions. We are talking hands covering the face while crying, "No!" (those moments when you turn around and walk away so you can laugh without the child noticing).

The older children don't help. They love to inform me of what Brinley wants. My response is, "I assure you I know what she wants. I know what she wants better than she knows what she wants. I promise I get it." And why doesn't that help? Because I have a desperate pre-toddler along with her three desperate body guards who seem to think she should never cry. And because they interfere with her making an effort to communicate on her own. I read about this when Brayden was a baby. Children with many older siblings often speak later because they have several people "speaking for them."

We have happily moved past it. Brinley realizes that I get her and she is putting a lot more effort into communicating. So I know you are wondering what can you do to help your child move past the fits when she can't communicate them verbally? Here are some tips.

1-Teach Sign Language

If you have a 14 month old, you might cringe at this tip if you haven't taught any signs yet. It is never to late to learn signs! I didn't teach Brayden until he was older than a year (I think it was 13-15 month range).

I always say to teach a sign that is going to reduce fits. So one of the first signs I taught Brayden was "help." I have shared this before, but he would want help with something and go into a fit. That wasn't the way I wanted him communicating help, so I taught him to sign it. It is best to teach when they aren't mad and screaming. Then when I knew he could do it, I would not help him unless he signed for help.

If you have a young baby, start working on showing and helping your baby sign when they are young. I like to teach "more" and "all done" as two of our first signs. It helps immensely with meal times.

2-Require Communication Effort

Do not fulfill the desires of your fit-throwing or screaming child until effort to communicate has been made (effort beyond the fit). Moms like to say, "Use your words" to fit-throwing children. If your child wants you to pick her up, don't do it at the first tears. Tell her to ask you to pick her up.

When you first start requiring communication, the communication your child will give you will likely be through tears and anger. I still remember telling Brayden he needed to say please for something and him slapping his chest in anger in order to sign please. A recent memory is Brinley saying, "buh!" through her tears when she wanted me to pick her up. I always reward the communication early on, even if the heart is still angry.

I have hierarchy to this learning process. I want them to learn that communicating is the way to get what they want, so when they communicate, even if they are angry, I cheerfully respond to the "request." Once they get used to the fact that communication is what gets them what they want, then I will start to work on them asking for things with a cheerful heart. I will usually say something like, "Oh, that isn't how we ask for things. You ask me nicely."

And RESPOND when your child makes an effort. Don't say, "just a minute" or ignore your child. You are trying to teach your child to turn to communication first instead of screaming or crying, so reward communication efforts.

3-Learn to Read Non-Verbals

Get to know your child. Learn what your child means when she says a word (most words come out quite wrong initially). Know what she means when she gestures a certain way. And get to know the pre-fit signs. If you can catch your child before she moves into tantrum mode, you will be more likely to coach her through the communication process without the fit occurring. This will be great reinforcement for her to communicate rather than have a fit.

4-Repeat What Your Child Has Told You

Make sure you remain calm and firm. You need to be a rock right now. When your child has commnicated something to you, repeat it. A big fit-session we would have with Brinley was when she would want some sort of treat (the girl has a sweet tooth). She would gesture for it and I would tell her she couldn't have it right now. She was sure I misunderstood and she would move into upset and frustrated mode that she wasn't being heard.

Try to get eye-contact and say, "I know that you want a treat right now." You might even point to the treat to help her further see that yes, you get it. "You may not have a treat right now. Even if you cry about it." I add in my own non-verbals. I shake my head no.

Once your child knows you get what she is saying, it doesn't mean she will happily move along thinking, "Oh well. I wanted a treat but mom said no. That is okay."

Nope.

She will likely cry.

She is learning what it is like to be told no (and she doesn't like it). Once she realizes the fits don't get her anywhere, they will start to go away.

5-Don't Give In To Fits, Screaming, and Tears

And this leads me to the important factor to not give in to the tears. Don't say no unless you intend to stick with it. And once you have said no, stand by it. This gets trickier as kids get older; their desires are more complicated and you might get more information that can change your opinion on the matter. I am not talking about that. Your baby and/or toddler has very simple, basic desires. Take 10 seconds to think it through before you answer. You want to teach your baby that your rules don't change based on decibel levels or water shed.

6-Give It Time and Consistency

You won't follow the above five steps and have this screaming solved in a week. Nope. Things are not that fast with children. It will probably take at least a month, maybe a few. Improvements will be made along the way, but it will take time for your child to move past the fit-throwing. Have faith! I promise it will work if you stick with the tips above.

7-Get the Family In On It

I find I often need to sit down with my older kids and really explain what is going on to them. I need to tell them why she is doing what she is doing and what their reactions do to help/hinder the situation. I need to tell them why I do what I do. And they get it once it is explained! (much like an adult being told about their reactions and how it affects their child). And they get on board. And they are supportive of helping to improve the situation instead of being three more hurdles for me to get over. And this is a new situation with Brinley--I never had issues with Kaitlyn or McKenna as babies. I think my kids were too young then.

Give the tips a try! You will start to see improvements and you will move toward communication happening and screaming and tantrums diminishing.

Related Posts/Blog Labels:

Finger Foods Basics

Side Note: (side note to side note, isn't it odd I am starting with a side note?). Back to side note. Somehow, as I planned this week, I happened to put down all posts related to food and children. Even the giveaway. I didn't plan it that way but if I had thought it out, I would have.

Sorry if you are randomly reading this post three years from now--if you want to see what I am talking about, just scroll through what was yesterday and what will be in the next few days. Okay, back to post).

Finger foods! What a conundrum finger foods can be (conundrum=problem--had to clarify because I had to in Sunday School yesterday). I get a lot of questions surrounding finger foods. I totally get it. You have a child you have been feeding nothing but milk for about 6 months or more and suddenly you are supposed to feed finger foods...but what is safe! At what age can I feed it! How small do I need to chop it! Do I cook it! What if my baby gags! Just a few questions that pop up.

WHAT AGE CAN YOU START FINGER FOODS?

You can start when your baby is ready. Don't you just hate answers like that?!?!? That answer exists because there is no magical age when all babies are ready. Babies are individuals.

Generally speaking, some babies are ready as young as six months old. I have really done finger foods around the 7 month mark with all four of my children. See, mom needs to be ready, too.

Keep this in mind. There are thousands of mothers out there feeding their babies solids through Baby Led Weaning--which involves feeding a baby chunks of real food, not purees. These babies are not choking to death, so your baby can handle finger foods.

WHAT ARE SIGNS YOUR BABY IS READY?

Chew: You will want baby capable of making a "chewing" motion with her mouth when she has food in it.
Desire: You will need baby to want to eat the food--you can't force feed food--especially finger foods.
Fine-Motor Development: Your baby will need to be able to pick up foods in order to eat finger foods.

Your baby does not need molars or any other type of tooth. Your baby will not get molars until closer to a year (Brinley is 13 months and has no molars yet).

Keep in mind that your baby will need to practice to get good at eating these foods. So don't be alarmed if baby is not good at first. It will take time! She will get better as she practices it.

HOW DO I START?

Choose a food you feel comfortable with (see lists below). Cut it into the size/shape you feel comfortable with. Put a few pieces in front of baby.

Next, I busy myself with something else to do--I stay close by, but I don't stare down the child. I tend to get involved more than I should, so if I see the poor dear struggling, I will pick the food up for her and put it in her mouth. I think it is best for the child to learn to do it, and the best way to learn is practice. If you can sit and watch the struggle without saving your child, do it! But if you are like me, wash some dishes or look through a recipe book or something.

The first few times, there is a good chance your baby will gag. Don't freak out. This is not for the feint of heart. Be there in case gagging leads to real choking (which in my four children it never has), but let the child work it up. This is unfortunately a real life experience in learning how to chew and swallow food.

SIZE/SHAPE/TEXTURE

Size depends on you. You either want to go small or big--not in between. It can be big enough the baby needs to take bites of it (so cut into long strips or wedges) or more into bite-sized pieces already. Bite-sized pieces require a pincer grasp to pull off. I am a bit more cautious, so my pieces start out bite-sized, which is why my kids are a bit older than many with starting finger foods. You can also start with whole foods--like a whole bagel. Your baby won't put that whole thing in her mouth, but she will be able to hold the thing to her mouth. The younger the baby when starting, the larger the size will need to be.

The size you don't want is the in between where the child shoves it all in the mouth and has too much to chew. The size about the size of a Cheerio is good.

The shape to avoid is the perfectly round circle--the one shaped like the esophagus? You know. You don't want the baby putting the round beauty in her mouth, swallowing it whole, and lodging it in her throat.

I like to cut mine into little squares. If the baby is grabbing larger chunks, the Baby Led Weaning people say to do wedge-shaped food. This is easier for a baby to "fist."

Be sure the foods you start out with aren't too slippery. If you chop a banana up into squares, it will be too slippery for a baby to pick up. To do bananas, I cut about a 1-2 inch piece and then run my finger down the middle of it. It will break into 3 pieces. I then feed those pieces to the baby. You can help the texture by rolling the food in something safe for baby that is dry--like oatmeal (this tip is found in Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron).

As your baby gets older, she will be able to pick up even slippery foods.

WHAT DO I FEED BABY?

In reality, if it is cooked correctly for a baby (in other words, soft enough), and cut into a good size for baby, you can feed baby just about anything you would normally eat. Nuts are a no as whole foods. Honey is a no....but baby couldn't pick that up anyway.

You want to watch for allergies, so feed baby foods she has had in pureed form OR wait a few days between each new type of food so you can watch for allergic reactions.

Here is a list of good first foods:

Gerber rice puffs--I start with these because, like I said, I am a bit cautious. I like that these dissolve easily.
Cheerios
Breads: Bagels, bread, crackers that get mushy (not ones that soak up all moisture like saltines)
Cheese that has been pasteurized
Fruits: Banana, melons, cucumber, peaches, pears, mango (just remember, if it is slippery, it can be difficult and therefore frustrating for your child).
Veggies: Peas (frozen pease can be quickly thawed by running under cold water), sweet potato sticks, other veggies that have been cooked
Black beans

Here is a list of other good foods to add to it as your baby gets older and more able:

Pasta--well cooked
Cooked eggs--scrambled or boiled and crumbled
Cottage cheese
Rice
Pancakes and other breakfast grains like that (waffles, muffins..)
Grated carrots
Soft meats
Olives
Make old foods taste better--add some cream cheese to that bagel. Spread a thin layer of peanut butter on that bread.
Whatever you are eating--whatever you are having for dinner, figure out how you can get it into baby-safe size for her to eat, too. Having tacos? Give her some taco meat, some tomatoes, some olives (chopped), some cheese, and some tortilla pieces. The taco would be messy, but she can feed herself the parts. Do the same for soup--separate it out of the broth and into food pieces baby can eat. The sooner you get baby eating what your family regularly eats the better chance you have for having a toddler and older who just eats dinner rather than complaining about dinner.

CUTTING TIP

Make life easier! Use things to cut that will make it easier on yourself. Use a pastry cutter, a pizza cutter, or kitchen scissors to quickly and easily chop things up. We use pizza cutters to cut up pancakes. Sometimes your fingers are the fastest and easiest--for example I don't cut olives with a knife, I just kind of smash them into several pieces. I squish it until it breaks and I rip it into four pieces. Much faster than cutting!

GOOD BOOKS

I love, love LOVE Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron.

Another resource you might like (that I haven't read) is Baby Led Weaning by Gill Rapley and Tracey Murkett.

What are your finger food tips? Any favorite finger foods?