Little Kids, Little Problems...

About five years ago, I bought an elliptical. My third (living) child had just turned one. In the previous five years, I had carried three babies to term, one baby to half term, and had nursed three babies for a year each. It took a number on my body and I wanted to get into some semblance of shape.

The elliptical I purchased had pre-programmed workouts. It changed the resistance and incline for you at different intervals and told you how fast to go, changing speeds as the workout went on. I tried out a simple 20 minute workout and I about died after five minutes. Seriously. I didn't know if I would ever be able to complete a 20 minute workout! Never-the-less I pressed on. I spent a few works working up to being able to complete the 20 minute workout.  It was hard for me in the state I was in.

Jump ahead five years. I have been consistent and faithful in my exercising. I have added more than the elliptical to my life. Today, a 20 minute workout is basically a cakewalk. I typically do 50-60 minutes when I get on the elliptical now. I am sweaty when I am done and I have pushed myself, but I never think death is around the corner. I actually reach that state of endorphins flowing through my body from the exercise. If you challenged to only work out on my elliptical for 20 minutes, I would smile and do it happily with my hands tied behind my back if you wanted me to.

About ten years ago, I had my first child. The hours were long and hard. It was a shock to my system. I stressed about sleep (for me and my baby!). I about died. I wondered what we were thinking having a baby. Why would we do that to ourselves? I thought I could not possibly make it through each day until my husband got home to offer some sort of relief, even if only mentally.

I worried about everything. I analyzed everything. I felt like I had no time to myself. A baby waking up early from a nap left me pondering and analyzing for hours. Then the child grew to be a toddler and another one came and my worries only continued. How would I potty train? How would I keep my house as clean as I wanted to? Why even bother washing windows when they would get dirty ten minutes later? When would I ever go to the bathroom alone again (I mean, a couple of times I had a child on my lap people). These parenting dilemmas were hard for me in the state I was in.

Ten years later, I know why the phrase "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems" exists. I would love for my biggest concern right now to be a child waking early from a nap as it was ten years ago (and I know--my kids have a lot of growing left to do which means bigger problems to come my way). I could solve that early waking problem with my hands tied behind by back if you challenged me to. Admittedly, the bathroom thing is still an issue--kids have a radar! I swear (though luckily it has been many, many years since a child was on my lap). Even so, I have built up a tolerance and endurance for facing such bathroom invasions. That is annoying, like a fly can be annoying, but I have larger worries on my mind. I am facing decisions that have long-term effects and implications on my children's lives. Boundaries and rules, activities, advice on friends, freedoms allowed, moral teachings...it is a lot heavier than early waking.

However, I must say this. In no way would I ever consider dismissing another mother's struggles with those long, endless and lonely early days as "little problems." I would never tell a mom with two young children she shouldn't worry about nap length because some day the stresses will be bigger than that. 

Just like I slowly built up my endurance on my elliptical all those years ago, I have slowly built up my parenting endurance over the years. Yes, I can go back and do a workout now that just about killed me five years ago without even breaking a sweat. I can do that because I have been exercising those muscles consistently for five years. I have also been exercising my parenting skills for many years. Ten of them. Of course those issues that caused me to sweat ten years ago won't now. I have bigger "muscles," years of experience, wisdom, and hindsight all working in my favor. But I had to work to get here. I had to face those hard days in the early years to build that endurance up. 

Change is not a future event, but a present day activity. Each day, I got stronger as a parent. Each day I tried again. Each day, I learned from my parenting mistakes that had come in the days before. I put in effort to become a better parent. That effort has allowed me to get strong enough to face the bigger hills today.

Many years ago, I taught a group of 12 and 13 year olds in church. One Sunday as I gave a lesson, one girl commented about a struggle she faced. Then she quickly dismissed it and said, "But that is just kid stuff. It isn't really a big deal. It wouldn't worry an adult." I am sure her well-meaning parents had tried to help her gain some perspective on her concerns. "Silly teenage concerns." I looked at this girl and said, in effect, "To me, those concerns are not a big deal, but I have lived more life and I have already faced those experiences. Those are big concerns for you in your life, and because of that, they do matter. They matter to you."

The problems we face today help us to get stronger to face our bigger concerns tomorrow. If we dismiss them without dealing with them and facing them, we do not gain the strength we need to. Having little children is hard! They are hard even if they bring with them "little problems." There do not need to be any apologies for feeling that way. Those feelings do not need to be dismissed. Maybe some day you will look back fondly on some of those hard things, but right now they are piling up and can make you want to crack. That doesn't make you weak. That doesn't make you inadequate. That doesn't make you ungrateful. That makes you a young mother experiencing life as a young mother. 

Take the time to work through those feelings and emotions. Take the time to learn how to stress and worry over problems for your children, even if it is "just" naps. Work through these little problems. By working through these things, you will learn how to process problems for your children and be better prepared to help them with their "bigger" problems as they get older. You are building your endurance and strengthening your muscles for your years ahead you still have as a mother.

Yes, some day you will remember some things fondly that currently just drive you crazy. Yes you will miss some things (a lady at church swears to me she misses the constant fingerprints on her windows). But that future doesn't not change the difficulty of today.

And let's be honest. We humans tend to forget certain details of things. Once we are out of the thick of things, we can't quite remember what it was like to be so consumed in those "little problems." My children want snow in the summer and sun in the winter...we forget the worst parts and recall things in a very positive light. 

So never feel silly for having little kids with little problems. Do not let other people dismiss your difficulties. Right now, they are big problems to you, and that is your reality. Just like you built endurance in your arms for carrying your baby (remember when your arms got tired from holding an 8 pound baby for a while? Now you haul that 35 pounder around like she is a little pillow on your hip), you are building endurance for parenting these little ones. Take each difficulty and learn what you need from it. That includes feeling the frustrations, pains, quandaries, successes, and joy that comes with it.

The Journey IS the Destination

There I was, watching The Voice. I was doing a major multi-task session as I rode my elliptical, read Eldest (The Inheritance Cycle), and watch The Voice. Never did I imagine I would be thrown a golden nugget of wisdom. Out of nowhere, Usher shared a mantra of his that just struck me hard.

The journey is the destination. 

Got that? 

This saying is akin to "Enjoy the moment," "Carpe Diem," "Stop and smell the roses," etc. But I love the way it makes you look at life.

This phrase doesn't say, "Hey, it's a long road to get to your end-goal with ups and downs, so you might as well live in the moment and enjoy everything for what it is" like many of these other sayings seem to direct my thoughts. No, it tells me, "The road you are on is where you are going. You have already arrived." 

It is similar to the idea of there is only one day. Today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't happened yet. 

I like thinking of it as the journey being the destination because it still leaves your mind to focus on a goal. We aren't aimlessly wandering through life. We have goals, dreams, and aspirations. We do have things we need to accomplish and we do need to have a plan for how to figure it out. We can't possibly only live in today--we need to learn from the past and plan for the future or each day will be of little worth to our overall growth. 

Remembering that the journey is the destination means that we remember to learn from the past. It means we have set goals for our future. It means we have plans and somewhere to go. We make preparations and adjust as we go along.

But it also means that we find value in what is happening now and not just looking ahead at all times. 

We we read an adventure book, like the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, the things we cherish in the book are the events that happen along the way. The book would mean very little if we were told the protagonist set out and then jumped to the completion of the goal without sharing the journey along the way. 

Keep this in mind as you parent. Your journey in raising your children is your destination. Have your goals, but live in today. In many ways, you have arrived. And sometimes the journey frankly sucks. Sometimes it is boring, monotonous, difficult, infuriating, tiring, frustrating, and more. Other times, it brings you unspeakable joy and satisfaction. Your heart burns within you like you never knew it could. It is rewarding, fulfilling, fun, and full of contentment. 

Your journey is your destination. Wherever you are, you have arrived. The things you do each day as a parent IS the point of your parenting. You will have fruits and rewards along the way. You will also have hardships and trials along the way. But "along the way" is the point. This is what is teaching you, refining you, and molding you and your children into who they are each day.

Quotable Mondays: Perspective

Today's quote is:

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."

-Abraham Lincoln

I love this thought. It is a great way to simply put the power of perspective. Many years ago, I wrote a post on this:

It's All About Perspective

How has your perspective changed with experience? Or how has your perspective you have taken changed your mood?

How to Overcome Mom Guilt When Pregnant

How to Overcome Mom Guilt When Pregnant. Tips for accepting life as is when you are pregnant and have other children to take care of and not taking on more than you can.

A couple of weeks ago, as bedtime approached, I was far spent. My energy was zapped. I had done a lot of work that day. It was a hot day and my body temperature was elevated and my feet were swollen. I walked into the family room and plopped myself down on a couch all by myself as we gathered for family scripture study. I put my feet up to help with the swelling and took a nice sigh of relief. I was sitting, feet up, and ready to relax.

All three of my children hopped up from their spots to come squeeze themselves by me. "I just want to sit by myself tonight," I told my children. Brayden (7) and Kaitlyn (5) were visibly disappointed and McKenna (3) started to cry. I of course immediately felt guilty and wanted to retract the statement. My husband insisted the children sit on the other couch. I couldn't shake the guilt, and since that night, no matter how tired, swollen, or hot I have been, I have surrounded myself with all three children each night.

It struck me how much guilt a pregnant mother experiences!

Positive Attitude Makes All the Difference

Parenting is hard. Our children throw things at us that we don't know how to handle. Moms with multiple children seem to handle difficulties with more calmness and grace than first time moms. Why is that?

I have been pondering lately why a second, third, fourth, etc. child seems to often be easier to the parent even if in reality the child is not easier. Of course a the reason we all go to is "experience." The parent is more experienced and knows better what to do. There is some truth to that, however, when I think of my children, they have all been very different. I can only think of a handful of things in the lives of Kaitlyn and McKenna that were made easier because I had already done that with Brayden.

No, I think what it is is my changed perspective. I have talked about perspective in this post: It's All About Perspective. I have shared in the past about a tantrum from one of my girls not phasing me like it did Brayden. With Brayden, I thought my sweet child was gone forever. I literally once sat down and cried when he was 18 months old because I was so worried about a fit he had. It is so amusing to me to look back on now with my gained life experience, but at the time it seemed like he was gone forever! With my girls, I understood tantrums were a normal part of life and didn't let it phase me.

So my experiences have taught me to have the proper perspective, and with the proper perspective, I can have a positive attitude about life. A positive attitude is really a powerful thing. Psychologist and philosopher William James wrote, "The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspect of their minds" (A Toolbox for Humanity page 127--quoted in Living the Abundant Life). 

We get to choose our attitude each day. Yes, circumstances can make that harder or to do, but despite what is going on around us, we can choose to look on the positive side and have a positive outlook in our situations.

Perspective helps us understand that certain difficulties in life are fully normal. We don't stress and worry when things go wrong, because we know a surety in life is that it will go wrong. We also know that things have a way of working out and that we will be okay in the end. 

We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails. How true it is. All the grumbling in the world about the direction, force, or temperature of the wind won't get us anywhere, but adjusting our sails to work with the wind will get us to where we want to go. 

McKenna Newborn Summary: Week Eight

This is a summary for McKenna ages 7-8 weeks (the eighth week). Last week was a week of bliss (see Newborn Summary: Week Seven ; this week was a difficult one! Let's move right on to the summary.

GRIPE WATER
I wanted to mention something else about gripe water. Some brands of gripe water come with a dropper to dispense the gripe water while others do not. If you buy a kind that does not come with gripe water, be sure to buy a syringe to dispense the gripe water. You can get it from your pharmacy or often in the baby section of a store.

NURSING
Nursing remains the same.

WAKETIME
Waketime got shorter this week. Strange? I thought so. Remember that a few weeks ago optimal waketime for her was about 60 minutes? This week it was back to 45. After thinking it over, I am assuming she needs shorter waketime now that she is more alert for her waketimes. She is taking so much in that she is getting more stimulation, so she therefore needs shorter waketime.

Another thought on waketime, waketime can vary based on the previous nap. If your baby takes a 1.5 hour naps, she might need a shorter waketime than she would if she took a 2 hour nap. Now remember, a 1.5 hour nap is nothing to be upset about. It is a good nap length. She just might need a shorter waketime than she would after a 2 hour nap.

NAPSHer naps continued on as usual until her growth spurt started.

GROWTH SPURTYep, she started another growth spurt this week, which is right on track. Hogg says growth spurts happen every 3-4 weeks. She had her first one at 4 weeks old, so to have at 7 weeks old is right as it should have been. And boy did she grow! She grew several inches in a few days. I tried to put her in an outfit that fit just one week earlier--and it was very much too small! Those babies sure grow fast.

McKenna has an interesting rhythm to her growth spurts. She starts by eating more often for a couple of intervals one day--2.5 hours instead of 3. The next day, she does the same. The next day, she eats every 2.5 hours more often. She continues this until the final day of her growth spurt. The last day of her growth spurt, McKenna eats every 2 hours for most of the feedings in the day. Then she is done. Happily, her nighttime sleep is not really disrupted. She might eat earlier in the night, but not more often.

WITCHING HOURAbout halfway through this week, McKenna suddenly had a "witching hour" experience one night. The witching hours are between 6-10 in the evening. There is no known reason for it. Baby is fussy during this time. It typically lasts until baby is 3-4 months old.

I was really quite concerned. McKenna had never had a hard time falling asleep in the least, and here she was between 6-10 having a hard time! That evening, I ended up feeding her every two hours--doing what Hogg calls "cluster feeding" or "tanking up." More on that below.

This was a funny experience when I look back at it. At the time, I was naturally very concerned. McKenna had never had a hard time sleeping and I worried something was wrong. I found myself asking myself what was wrong and I remembered a question I had answered from a reader only a day or two before. Basically I said, "This is a normally fussy time for many babies. If your baby is sleeping well for other naps, you can put baby in the swing, bouncy, or rock her." I had to step back and look at my situation as though I was asking myself a question in order to gain proper perspective.

McKenna didn't have this "witching hour" every night--just two in this week. Kaitlyn never had this witching hour, though Brayden did.

CLUSTER FEEDING
I fed her at 6, 8, and then her dreamfeed at 10. Many people swear by this practice for extending baby's sleep at night. I had thought about trying it with McKenna from birth, but she had previously just been hard to feed sooner than three hour intervals. After feeding her like this, she slept much later into the night--by a couple of hours! That is very nice for my sleep :).

I decided to make cluster feeding part of our schedule. It makes for a hectic evening, but it also makes for better sleep for both McKenna and me.

NIGHTTIME SLEEP
Due to the cluster feeding, McKenna moved her nighttime waking later into the night--even during her growth spurt. She was sleeping about 6 hours. McKenna is at the age where most Babywise babies are supposed to start sleeping 7-8 hours at night. I am honestly not expecting that from her yet. She still has a week of being 8 weeks old, so it is possible, but as I have mentioned in the past, McKenna is small.

Size is not something often considered with Babywise moms and their hopes/expectations for sleeping through the night. I think it is something that needs to be considered. Size gives indication of the capacity of the baby's tummy, and capacity has an effect on nighttime sleep. Most books I read say a baby can't sleep through the night until baby is 12 pounds. My doctor's office says 11 pounds, so obviously opinions differ. McKenna is growing really well, and her percentile is moving up (in other words, she started life in a low percentile and is now in a higher percentile), but she is a small girl.

My guess is she has 2-4 weeks before she hits the weight most babies are at when they sleep through the night. I will remain patient. I can tell she is waking from need. So long as she needs the feeding, I am happy to give it to her.

OUTINGS/EVENTSMy in-laws watched our kids one even while my husband and I went on a date. McKenna of course was somehow aware of my absence and not happy about it, but she eventually settled down and was fine. All was well in the end. She sure likes me :)

45 MINUTE INTRUDER
McKenna is in the age range for the 45 minute intruder. This is when baby wakes 45 minutes early from nap or 45 minute into nap (BW says it both ways). Did McKenna experience this? I guess the answer is yes. Babywise says it appears the 45 minute intruder is a feeding issue and to treat it as such initially. Since she had a growth spurt, I suppose that is a feeding issue and woke earlier from her naps in order to eat.

PERSPECTIVEThe witching hour experience was an interesting one. It is because of this rough evening that we tried cluster feeding, which in turn showed me how well it worked for McKenna and gave both of us longer periods of sleep in the night. It is often through our difficult times that we learn and are able to improve ourselves and our lives.

I was also able to get to know McKenna better. I got to know her personality more and get to know some methods for soothing her. She has been so good at soothing herself that I haven't needed to sooth her. Through this difficult evening, I was able to get to know her better and improve on my abilities to help her when she needed it.

HELPFUL BOOKS
My list of helpful books for the newborn period:

• On Becoming Baby Wise
• The Nursing Mother's Companion: Revised Edition
• Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby
• The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems: Sleeping, Feeding, and Behavior--Beyond the Basics from Infancy Through Toddlerhood
• What to Expect the First Year

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS

• newborns (blog label)
• newborn summary (blog label)
• Growth spurt (blog label)
• cluster feeding (blog label)
• perspective (blog label)
• 45 minute intruder (blog label)

Baby Whisperer: P.C. Parent

A P.C. parent is one who is patient and conscious (The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems, page 5). I love the things Hogg points out as she discusses being a P.C. parent. This comes in handy when dealing with the Big Three problems (sleep, eating, or behavior--I had to laugh at this because these are the three topics I get the most questions about also) as well as your trips to the store and other daily interactions with your child.

Patient
Parenting is a long road and requires perspective (see It's All About Perspective ). Hogg points out that today's big problem is a distant memory in a month. While living that big problem, we forget that. Of course. We don't know when this big problem will go away and we stress about it. These are moments we often create situations that are harder to break in the future. We want to remember the funnel and put work in today so we don't have to reparent tomorrow.

As a parent, you need patience for a variety of things. You need it for the mess that is seemingly never-ending and those finger prints that are constantly on your window. You need it as your child learns new skills. It takes forever for a toddler to button up his shirt, but patience now will give him the chance to learn how on his own, and you the chance to move him toward dressing himself earlier than if you continue to do it for him. Your child will spill food, take 5 minutes to walk up the stairs and 15 to walk down, put the dishes away in the wrong spot, and miss a section on the carpet when he first starts to vacuum, to name a few. You need patience for these situations.

Patience can help prevent you from hovering over your child. I think many moms get a shock when the second-born child starts to do things on her own that the first born child is not yet doing. Why? Child number two has learned to take more initiative and not rely on mom and dad to do everything for her, while child number one has always been told to hold still while mom does it. This is especially true if the children are close in age. I remember before I ever had Kaitlyn a story a good friend told me. She has a boy and girl who are about the same age distance as Brayden and Kaitlyn. She told me one day as she was putting shoes on her oldest, her little girl put her shoes on herself rather than wait her turn. At that moment she realized if her daughter could do that, her son could. I learned from her story and have been patient and encouraging to Brayden to do things for himself. But you still miss things because you just don't have the experience to know what to expect sometimes.

Hogg points out that you must also be patient when changing habits and fixing problems. You can't expect things to be fixed immediately. Be patient through the necessary process.

I also want to implore you to be patient through the bumps in the road. They come. Baby will have short naps. Toddler will challenge every rule you set. Child will act as though he has no hearing. It happens. These are not times to freak out and wonder what we have done wrong and worry that all efforts to this point are now moot. Yes, you want to consider the reasons for these problems, but realize that they are a part of the developmental process. Find the reason and address it, but try to remain patient.

Conscious
Get to know your child and try to see things from her perspective (see Baby Whisperer: Know Your Baby and Get To Know Your Child's Personality: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/get-to-know-your-childs-personality.html).

You also need to think through situations and make a plan. Don't just react to situations. Think them through and be sure your plan of action is the best move to make. You also need to be aware of what you do and say; you are your child's number one example in life. Also, be consistent. Be there for your child and take advantage of the time you have to teach him right now.

Related Posts:

• baby whisperer
• Get To Know Your Child's Personality: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/02/get-to-know-your-childs-personality.html
• Baby Whisperer: Know Your Baby
• It's All About Perspective

Parenting is All About Perspective

Parenting is All About Perspective. How to have the proper perspective when parenting. 

"The grass is always greener on the other side." Isn't that so true? One of the hardest things to do in life is to be content with where you are and what you have. Perhaps that is one reason childhood is such a happy time. You are so content with life as a child.

When Brayden was a baby, I often felt overwhelmed and like things were very hard. I looked to the future thinking, "When he can crawl, things will be easier" or "As soon as he is walking, life will be a lot easier for me." Brayden was a busy boy, and I was exhausted. At some point, I decided I needed to enjoy him at each stage. I worked on it and have really been able to do that. I have learned to become content with life. I have found that each stage has its benefits and drawbacks. As a result, I am much happier. The downside is that time goes by much faster, so my kids are growing up too fast :(.

It is all about perspective. When Kaitlyn was born, I really had to work with myself again. Newborn stage is definitely my least favorite stage of a child's life thus far. I think they just get more and more fun as they grow. I love toddlers. I love talking with my children, playing games, and watching them learn at a rapid pace. I know some people love the newborn stage best; I have several friends that way and we just laugh over our personal viewpoints of the stages. It is all about perspective.

The other day, I told Brayden (almost 3) that Daddy was going to mow the lawn. He asked me if he was going to mow those pretty yellow flowers. What yellow flowers? Those dandelions?!?!? See, it is all about perspective. I see dandelions and think obnoxious weed. He sees dandelions and thinks pretty, yellow flowers.

For me, having my second child was a whole lot easier than having my first. I think this is a common occurrence. For one thing, you are a lot smarter and more experienced in the role of a parent. You've been there and aren't going to make those same mistakes twice. There are the difficulties unique to a second child, like learning who your second is as an individual and not placing the personality of your first automatically onto your second, but overall, you just know better what you are doing.

Kaitlyn has honestly been a very easy baby (now 13 months old). She has had her 45 minute nap runs, and we have our troubleshooting times every so often. But she is so easy in comparison to Brayden, I don't feel any need to complain! :) It is all about perspective.

I would feel ungrateful if I complained about any of the difficulties I have with her, simply because it was much harder with Brayden. A lot of it is due to the fact that I am just wiser and this isn't my first rodeo, so they say. When it comes to raising children, experience is worth a whole lot! Plus, I don't stress as much as I did the first time around. Why? Because it is all about perspective.

I know the difficulties will get better at some point, and I know that hiccups are all a part of the process, so when one comes along, I am better at rolling with it. Yes, I have had my moments of wondering "Will this stage ever pass?", but I have known from experience it would. I have also learned that there are pros and cons to every single stage. I don't want to wish away what is before me and not savor every one of those benefits.

I think many second, third, fourth, etc. time parents don't get as worked up over bad days or over things not going perfectly...we have learned it isn't a huge deal. It is all about perspective. You do what you can, you try to solve problems the best you can, and you just press forward. We know things do get better and get to be extremely predictable. It takes time and effort on the part of all parties. Your personal consistency, your circumstances, and your child's personality are all individual factors that contribute to when things get better. We also are better at seeing more of the picture as a whole rather than just the small pieces of the puzzle.

So as you go through your rough patches (because they will come), try to keep the proper perspective. You will work through those rough patches with more grace, patience, and happiness if you do. It's all about perspective.