Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts

How To Re-Fuel Mid-Air

Tips for mothers to be able to focus on themselves and re-energize even when life is incredibly busy and crazy. Moms can get some self-care in each day without sacrificing their families with some simple steps.

by Carrie Wiley

Have you ever seen an airplane re-fuel mid-air? Yeah, me neither unless you count that one episode of the West Wing or seen the Focus on the Family movie where they try to refuel the Space Shuttle in the middle of outer space. But we've heard it happens, right?

In motherhood, we often don't have the luxury of landing first, or stopping, to refuel. We eat lunch standing up, we shower when we sacrifice sleep for it, and I KNOW I am not the only one who often goes to the restroom with a "helper".

Taking care of ourselves comes at the sacrifice of something or someone else. Or, at least it feels that way. But while we are talking about airplanes, let me remind you about the oxygen mask theory: you can't help others if you don't help yourself.

So, we don't have the luxury of stopping or landing, but we still need to re-fuel, re-energize and take care of ourselves. Here are some tips to re-fuel mid-air:

Friday Finds: Beauty Products and Accessories

Beauty Products and Accessories. Great lipstick, lip balm, eye cream, retinol cream, vitamin c serum, shampoo, conditioner, turbie towel, and pendant.

I have made some new discoveries over the last few months that I am loving! This post contains affiliate links.

Pendant Necklace

This is a very cute necklace that comes in gold, silver, or rose gold. I went with gold because I have very few items in gold. This sometimes goes on lightening deal, too!

Turbie Twist Microfiber Towels

I got this pack for Easter for my three girls and me. I love these! I have a homemade one I have used for years and it was starting to wear out. These were done already and not any cheaper than doing it myself, so I gave these a try. Something I love about these is since they are microfiber, their really soak up the moisture well. It helps dry the hair faster so less blow-drying is need and/or less time needed for air-drying. All of our hair fits in these, which was a concern for me since we have some very long and thick hair at this house. They are also very light on the head. My youngest two do not use these as much as Kaitlyn and I do--it isn't easy for them to put it on themselves.

Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer

I have talked about this on the blog before because I love it so much. There are TONS of colors. The prices can vary on Amazon, This Fig (my personal favorite color) is a good price. I will buy it if it goes below $4 on Amazon. If it is over that, you can probably find it cheaper in a local drug store.

Maybelline Color Sensational Lipstick

I got this for Kaitlyn when she played Sebastian in the Little Mermaid this past spring. I have loved using it myself! This stuff lasted on Kaitlyn's lips through her entire show. I can wear it for a very long time before having to reapply, which is impressive since it is red. I always gets tons of comments when I wear this in real life and on Instagram. If red isn't your thing but you do want something long-lasting, they have a ton of colors.

Revlon Matte Balm

My friends and I had a favorite things party a few months ago. We each brought something that is under $5 (3 of each). Then we drew names out and three people took home the item we brought. I brought my Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer, of course, and one of my friends brought this Matte Balm. I was a lucky winner! This is another lip color I get a lot of compliments on when I wear it. It lasts almost the whole day, even through eating. I like to pair it with some chap stick because it is so matte, but that is just personal preference. There are lots of different colors.

Maybelline Baby Lips

This is a great, light lip balm for spring and summer. This is consistently VERY cheap on Amazon compared to what I see it for around town. $2 or less is a go on Amazon. I must say, however, that this is a very similar effect as Lip Smacker chap stick. So if you are like me and use that still (yes I do!), you might not find a love in this. But if you are going for something more grown-up, you will love this.

Brocato Shampoo and Conditioner

This is not a new product for me. I have used this since 2004 and I LOVE it! It got hard to find in stores locally, so I have been thrilled to find it on Amazon. This works so well on cleaning, conditioning, and leaving my hair light and bouncy all at the same time. It isn't harsh on my hair, either.

LilyAna Naturals Face Products

I plan to do a full post on these with some before/after pics. I have been using some of these for two weeks and some for a few days and I LOVE them. I can see a real difference (for the better) in my skin. The skin tone is evening out. This product line has been compared to Rhodan and Fields in effectiveness and is way cheaper. These products will go on lightening deal sometimes, too. I have been using the Vitamin C Serum, Eye Cream, and Retinol Cream. They also have Face Cream, but I haven't tried it yet (I still have face moisturizer).

Related Beauty Products On The Blog

A Mother's Impact on Her Son

A Mother's Impact on Her Son. What ways does a mother impact her son and how can she develop a healthy relationship with him.

Mothers have a profound impact on her children no matter their gender. The mother-son relationship is no different. There are many unique things a mother teachers her son and varied ways she impacts his life and the way he treats others as an adult.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Men are what their mothers made them." Mothers know their children best. Mothers teach literally and through example. Mothers set the tone and climate of the home.

1-A mother is often the teacher of emotional intelligence

When a mom talks with her son routinely and helps him understand his feelings and the possible feelings of others, she has a great impact for helping the son grow up to be a person who is attuned to the feelings of others. This means your son will learn how to have empathy and sympathy from you.

2-A mother is often the teacher of communication

I started mothering with a son. He is not, by nature, a chatty person. I have to be creative and patient to get him talking. Having a daughter right after has always been a sharp, stark contrast. I get all the details from Kaitlyn. I hear more about Brayden's day from Kaitlyn than I do from Brayden. I work to teach him how to communicate and why we communicate. I talk about the real details of communication.

"Men are what their mothers made them." Ralph Waldo Emerson

3-A mother is a huge contributor to teaching a son how to treat women

I believe this really falls on both parents. The father can be an example, but the mother needs to set the stage of expectations. The son will recognize what the mother expects in terms of how women should be treated. A mother can teach her son how to treat women, but even more powerful is the way a mother commands to be treated.

4-A mother impacts who her son will look for in marriage

When looking for a spouse, we often look at our parents, for better or worse. We might look for someone just like our opposite-sex parent or we might want to avoid certain traits. A mother has a strong influence over the type of woman her son will seek to marry some day. This has a generation impact as the mother of the grand children will strongly influence how they are raised.

5-A mother impacts the way her son views manhood

While sons will look to their fathers to see how to behave, they can go the opposite way of their father if that is nurtured by the mother. Do you want your son to be a husband who helps his wife? Raise him to be so. Do you want your son to be a husband who is kind, sensitive, and patient? You can breed those traits in him.

A Mother's Impact on Her Son. What ways does a mother impact her son and how can she develop a healthy relationship with him.

Never discount your ability to impact your children. Mothers have powerful influence over children that cannot be beat. Take that responsibility seriously as you guide your children through their growing years and allow them to flourish in their adult years.

See also:
A Mother's Impact on Her Daughter

How On Becoming Babywise Saved My Motherhood

How On Becoming Babywise Saved My Motherhood. Babywise helped me love motherhood and thrive in it.

When I had my first baby, I was sure motherhood would be easy and natural. I would have no problems, my baby would sleep like a baby, and we would live in bliss. I had imagined my life as a mother of babies my whole life. I had spent many hours playing babies and I knew just what to do. Motherhood was going to be perfection.

Well, some babies come into this world and give their mothers that idealistic experience, but not my first baby! And not even most babies. Real life meant my baby slept like a baby...but the real way a baby sleeps like a baby when he has no guidance--not the sweet phrase way people imagine. He slept while I fed him. We had nights he didn't sleep a single minute all night long, which meant I didn't either. While I loved being a mom, I wondered why we had done this to ourselves already. Things had been so nice before a baby! I had slept. Life was drastically different and I missed sleep and freedom. I missed me. I had imagined having a large family, but now wasn't sure I would have a second child.

Fortunately I remembered a friend from church telling me about Babywise while I was pregnant. I had asked her how she had such a great baby. The answer was On Becoming Babywise (affiliate link). I had politely nodded at the time. That sure sounded nice, but it sounded like work and seemed silly since babies slept like babies anyway. Hadn't she ever played dolls? I didn't pay it much heed and forgot about it.

In my hour of need, I remembered the term of Babywise and headed for the bookstore (that is how we got books 14 years ago). My baby was only 3 weeks old but it felt like significantly longer than that since I had slept. Time crawls when you are up for most of it.

I read the entire book that night. I put things into practice right away.

And things got better.

So much better.

Brayden started sleeping. Actually sleeping! He immediately went to waking only once each night. Things weren't "by the book" perfect immediately--that didn't even happen until he was six months old--but they were significantly better.

When Brayden was six months old, I found out I was pregnant with baby number two. This was surprising and seemed a bit scary, but I said it was something you either laugh or cry about and laughing seemed much happier. Now, if it had not been for Babywise, I am sure that would have been a cry moment instead. Because Babywise was a part of our lives, we were nervously excited rather than crying.

We sadly lost that boy to stillbirth. I can't tell you how happy I am that I was able to be excited for his addition rather than sad. I would have had immense guilt otherwise. It is another small and simple way Babywise saved my motherhood. It saved it for that sweet boy I lost.

We immediately decided to try to have another child and expand our family. We had 3 more daughters over the years.

Our next baby had silent reflux. Oh the reflux babies! They are so very hard. Again, Babywise saved my motherhood. While my reflux baby didn't sleep as well as the non-reflux baby, she slept incredibly well for a reflux baby. I was able to take care of my two sweet children as a fully-rested mother of two. I was also willing to have a third child.

Baby three was finally that easy baby I had dreamed of. Amazing sleeper. She would sleep anywhere any time. Now, this is in large part thanks to me having a great understanding and grasp of Babywise, but she definitely was a natural when it came to sleep.

As she got older and her personality emerged, it became clear she was a strong-willed soul. It again was a moment Babywise saved my motherhood. She was hard. But I had great foundations for discipline to get me through those hard moments. I knew what to expect and that it was okay to expect it. We made it through and have been able to help focus on the positives of being strong-willed and use it as the great strength it can be.

Baby four was another easy sleeper. As a mom of four, I was able to give her the sleep she needed and still let my older three children have lives and be involved in things. I had predictability and was able to arrange schedules and manage the family so things were as smooth as can be with four children to manage.

I am not being dramatic when I say Babywise saved my motherhood.

Babywise made it possible for me to sleep. I think that right there is enough evidence to say, "yep, motherhood saved," but let's go on.

Babywise gave me time each day when naps happened. With that time, I was able to sew, clean, cook, prepare learning activities, visit with people, and do things like blog.

Babywise gave me time each day when independent playtime happened. I was able to do everything listed above and then some. This was an extra break each day. I was able to read. Shower, Exercise. Brush my teeth.

Babywise gave me predictability and order to my days. This added to my sanity and moral. The predictability allowed me to arrange playdates with friends, which kept me socializing. As an extrovert, that was invaluable to my happiness.

Babywise allowed me to focus on things beyond my child's sleep. It allowed me to focus on teaching my kids respobisilities. I was able to work chores into our days. I was able to teach morals and character traits. When I had a baby, I still had time to focus on the older children. I was even able to consistently write this blog.

All of the things I was able to focus on when my children were young has paid off as they have gotten older. The time we spent doing learning time has made it so school has been easier, meaning less homework at home and no issues with school. The responsibilities they learned have helped them to have personal responsibility now and not expect me to track and organize their school work. My oldest has his first job and completely tracks where he should be when without me having to think about it.

Because of On Becoming Babywise and the books beyond, I have been able to have the large family I wanted and still be involved in my children's lives. It allowed me to be the mother I always wanted to be. Sure, it is still harder than it was when I played dolls, but manageable enough to be what I had always dreamed of and then some.

Get your copy of Babywise here (affiliate link)

Do you want to do Babywise? See my post on How to Do Babywise.

The Gist of Babywise

Myths versus Realities of Babywise

How The Babywise Mom Discovered Babywise

How to Choose the Right Curling Wand For You

In this post: How to choose the right curling wand for your hair type

I have only been using a curling wand for six months, but I am completely in love with it! I love tools that help me to look great in a short amount of time, and a curling wand definitely does that. I can curl my hair in about ten minutes and it looks like I spent a whole lot longer getting ready.

I did a lot of researching before settling on a curling wand. I could have gone with a very cheap one, and almost did, but my husband talked me out of it. He is all about getting good quality tools for the job you are doing, and I realized all that would happen is I would get a cheap wand and eventually buy a nice one and would have spent more money than I needed to overall AND I would have clutter because I would have a hard time getting rid of the cheap wand. I just struggle getting rid of things that work (you never know!).

So after some searching, I settled on a wand from L'ANGE (affiliate link). I love it! The curls last so well that it saves me even more time on my second day hair. I got a couple of wands and some hair products and loved it all. I loved them so much I approached them and asked if I could work with them. If you click to their website through my link, you will get 50% off at checkout (if it isn't working for some odd reason, enter code "Babywise" when you are at checkout).

There are so many great options from L'ANGE that it can be hard to decide what type to get. Titanium or ceramic? 25 MM or 32 MM? Here are some tips when choosing your wand size and wand type.

How to Choose Your Curling Wand

MATERIAL

You first need to decide what material to go for.

Titanium

When in doubt, go with titanium. We have a lot of different hair types in our house and the titanium universally works best on every person's hair. It is especially good for:

Hard to curl hair (even if it is fine)
Coarse hair

Ceramic

Ceramic gets to the same temperature as the titanium, it just delivers the heat differently. Ceramic is good for:

Easy to curl hair
Damaged hair

I have both titanium and ceramic. My hair is easy to curl, so they both work well on my hair, however, my daughter has hard to curl hair and the ceramic just doesn't work. I will also say that when I use titanium, my second day curls are great, but with ceramic, I basically have to re-curl all of my second day curls.

SIZE

The next big decision is the size of wand.

25 MM

The 25MM is the smaller of the two sizes. When in doubt, go for the 25MM. I think this is a great first-size for everyone. It is ideal for:

Shoulder length or shorter hair
Breast or shorter hair
Curls that last longer

My girls all have hair to their waist and this is the size of choice for all of them. This is a versital size--you can go for tight curls or for looser curls just by changing the size of the chunk of hair you wrap around the wand.

32 MM

The 32MM is the larger of the two sizes. This is ideal for:

Breast or longer hair
Looser curls
Beachy look (if you have the longer hair)

This size gives a very different look, and I personally use both weekly. My advice is to start with the 25 unless you are absolutely sure you only want more relaxed curls or your hair is very long.

STYLE

As if the sizes and material weren't enough of an agonizing decision, there are different styles.

Ondule

This is the basic wand and is less expensive. It has one heat setting at 410 degrees. That is the ideal temp for most hair types, so it works well.

Lustre

The Lustre is more expensive but has more features. The heat temps range from 170-450 degrees, so if 410 doesn't work well for your hair, you can try other temperatures. This has a cool tip end to help you prevent yourself from burning yourself. It has an automatic shut-off so it will turn off after being on so long.

Heat Shield

You want to use a heat shield with this hot of temperatures. A full product discussion is a post for another day, but the heat shield is a must for protecting your hair.

Hair Products

See my post for a full L'ange hair product review.

Enjoying the Magic of Motherhood

Basically every single week at church, a woman who has entered the stage of being a great-grandmother approaches me and tells me to enjoy the time with my children. I have always taken this advice seriously, so even on those days that are super, super hard, I try to step back and look at the big picture. On the flip-side, I do not guilt myself for having thins about young children or even motherhood that I do not like. I am positive I will not miss every single thing. There are memories we will all be happy to leave behind us.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mother. I played with my dolls and was sure I would have twelve children someday. I have no doubt that I will look back in equal fondness on the magic that was motherhood, allowing time to erase the realities of what it felt like to be utterly exhausted.

I am at a serene moment of parenting. I am still in it, but I also have some space for reflection. I look back on memories with the babies and the pudgy toddler fingers. Those were indeed good old days.

I don't want them to be THE good old days. I want all of the days to have elements I can look back on with fondness. I want the teenage years to be good old, also. I want the years they have grown and I am a grandmother to be good old. When I am a great-grandmother, I want to be able to look back on my time spent in those days with fondness and be able to sigh, "Those were the good old days."

No matter what days of my life I look back on, they have potential to be the "good old" ones. I love the song "Good Old Days" by Macklemore and Kesha.

I wish somebody would have told me thatSome day, these will be the good old daysAll the love you won't forgetAnd all these reckless nights you won't regretSomeday soon, your whole life's gonna changeYou'll miss the magic of these good old days

I love that. All the love you won't forget. You'll miss the magic of these good old days.

There are so many things about young children that are magical. The peace that surrounds a sleeping newborn. The wonder of a toddler. The giggle of a preschooler. The first word. The first steps. The first time you have a real conversation with your child. It is all magical.

Never thought we'd get old, maybe we're still youngMaybe we always look back and think it was better than it wasMaybe these are the momentsMaybe I've been missing what it's aboutBeen scared of the future, thinking about the pastWhile missing out on nowWe've come so far, I guess I'm proudAnd I ain't worried about the wrinkles around my smileI've got some scars, I've been aroundI've thrown some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here nowThose good old days

This. Maybe these are the moments. Been scared of the future, thinking about the past while missing out on now. But I'm here now.

All of these moments in life are moments we can potentially look back and miss. The great trick to life is to learn to love the moment you are in. Love that moment. Live that moment.

See also:

How to Yolo When Parenting Solo

by Emily Parker

My husband has an extremely flexible job that allows for him to be home for the majority of our children's big events and allows our family the ability to travel together throughout the year. He is the breadwinner of our home and works hard to provide for us. For all of this, I'm so thankful! However, with this amazing job also comes a decent amount of travel. Every couple of weeks he may be gone for a night or two on a work trip. I grew up with my father traveling for months at a time, so my husband missing out on a handful of nights a month isn't a big deal to me from the perspective of him missing out on family time. I know that he's home majority of the time and is playing an active, hands on role in our children's' lives.

Those days away though? Can be TOUGH on Mama. I know that my "solo parenting time" is nothing in comparison to the single moms out there who do it daily. Or the military wives who do it for long lengths of time while simultaneously worrying about the safety of their husbands. I am in no way saying what I deal with those few nights a month is even close to what these ladies deal with (and my solo parenting times make me have an even deeper appreciation for those mamas!) but they are still times that aren't the "norm" for me and are often tough to get through. I'm used to my husband being home. Being hands on. Being my partner in all areas and aspects of parenting and household managing. It's my norm. And when he travels that norm is disrupted.

We have four children and our oldest is almost nine. My husband has been traveling for work since before our oldest was even born, yet it has taken me years to finally have a solid system down. I've come to be well-adjusted to the times of travel and have even come to enjoy them on a level too! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Sometimes we all need a break and breather!

Here are my tips for making the most of those times of solo parenting responsibility:

Feel Safe

Feeling safe is crucial. A big part of my issues when my husband would travel were that I didn't feel safe. I know my husband will protect our family in the unlikely event of an intruder situation. I always felt scared that an intruder would break in while he was away and that I wouldn't be able to protect my babies or myself.

We invested in am awesome alarm system that I set each night. We have a small dog that barks like crazy. I have a gun (in a safe!) by the bed. I keep lights on. I do all of the tips and tricks to help keep intruders disinterested in our home. Putting all of those safety precautions in place has allowed ME to feel safer when he's away!

Get Rest

A big thing when my husband is away is that I don't sleep as well. I think it's just missing him beside me plus that combined fear issue that causes me not to sleep as deeply as I normally would when he's home. Rest is crucial. It allows us to function at our best and you have to be on your a-game when you're solo parenting!

Make sure to keep the kids on their schedules. And keep yourself on one too! I'll admit that it's EASY to binge watch a favorite show or get caught up browsing social media when my husband is away. Our evenings are usually our together time and when he's gone I get a big extra dose of ME time and what mother doesn't long for more of that? It's EASY to glance at the clock and realize it's 1 AM. I have to put a conscious effort into going to bed early so I'm able to get the full rest I need.

Plan Ahead

Planning ahead is so important. I know when my husband is gone that certain tasks are harder to accomplish. I plan for those and try to knock things out in advance when possible.

I am my best self when my kitchen is clean so I will give that area a good cleaning before he leaves. I like to make sure I have easy to cook meals for myself and the kids planned out. I arrange their bath nights to minimize the evenings where they need baths while he's gone (bath duty usually belongs to him!). Figure out what areas will be the toughest without his help and knock them out together before he hits the road!

Maintain Routine

Children thrive best on routine...and so do adults. We are "schedule people" so I make sure to keep my kids on their regular schedules as much as possible when Daddy is away. I make sure they keep their bedtimes and nap times and meal times pretty close to the normal times.

By keeping the kids on their regular schedules, they are less likely to have an negative reactions to their dad being away. Of course they miss him and it can be hard not having him there, but it can also just be "business as usual" when their daily routine stays in tack.

Keep in Touch

Maintaining as much communication as possible with your husband while he's away will ensure a smoother transition when he gets back home. I have the kids call him to fill him in on news ("I lost my tooth!" or "I got an A on that test!") and try to FaceTime as much as we can in the evenings.

Throughout the day we make sure to text often and keep each other in the loop on everything we're each experiencing. Absence can make the heart grow fonder and sharing that you miss each other can make that reuniting time even more special. However, absence can also easily create distance. It's easy to get in a new routine that doesn't include your husband and that can make it tougher when he comes back home. By trying to keep a constant flow of communication it makes it feel like he's not really so far away at all!

Yolo

All of these things have helped me to personally survive while my husband is away. But the thing that took me from survival to thriving? When I decided to "YOLO" when I'm solo.

I realized that so often the job of "mom" means the "boring parent." I'm the one that keeps us on our schedule. I'm the one that reminds to get things done. Pushes the chores. The homework. The healthy eating.

When my husband is away? That's a PRIME TIME to let my fun side SHINE.

Rather than get frazzled while he's gone. Rather than feeling over-worked with my plate over-filled and my patience level at a minimum...I try to let it all GO and just ENJOY!

While it's a huge blessing to have a husband who is so hands on and involved in all aspects of our kids' lives...it also means our kids are pretty much always around both parents. They are used to my husband and I talking to each other about "adult things" while they sit there listening. They are used to sharing their time and attention with us both. Hearing both of our opinions on things. Getting both of our feedbacks. Having both of us discipline. Both of us weigh in on everything.

When my husband is away it's a great chance for my children to connect with me. Get to know who I am as a person. It's a great time to let loose a bit and show them my fun side. My silly side. My go with the flow abilities. They can get my individual perspective on things and an opportunity for one on one time with just me!

Here are a few of the ways I use the times while my husband is away to have FUN:

An outing: I take all of the kids somewhere. Anywhere. Even just to Publix or Target. Anytime you go somewhere with four small kids and have it be a success it just feels like a HUGE WIN and you instantly feel so great about yourself!
Kids Nights: Many restaurants have kids eat free (or cheap) nights and many include fun crafts or activities. Kids love getting to eat out...and makes solo nights easier without worrying about dinner
Treats for dinner: Speaking of dinner...my very first "yolo when solo" idea actually came about when I had a craving for ice cream and decided we'd all just go get some ice cream for dinner that night. My kids thought I was both crazy and super awesome and it was a fun memory we'll never forget!
Movie night in bed: We don't co-sleep so the kids aren't used to spending time in Mommy's bed but curling up all together to watch a movie before bed is SO fun and something they LOVE doing!
Being flexible: Getting to stay up a little later, skipping a nap, eating dinner in the living room while having a picnic dinner. Even the littlest change in the normal routine can feel special
Crafts: My husband isn't a "craft guy" so it's not something we really do as a family but when he's away it's a great time for us to work on our scrapbooks or making cards for family members
Bubble Baths: We don't do bubble baths often but when we do they are a HUGE hit. I've found that a fun bubble bath can give Mommy a solid 20 min or so of peace and quiet too ;) Win-Win
Special Traditions: If your husband travels decently frequently maybe it's a good opportunity for a tradition. My husband actually has the tradition with my kids to make homemade pizza and watch a movie whenever I'm out of town on a girl's trip or something. Rather than being sad about Mommy being gone, they look forward to that pizza (who knew I was so easily replaced? ha!)
Individual Time: Something we've started doing is solo Mommy time where I have a set amount of time to spend with each child doing whatever they'd like to do. If my husband is gone for several nights we'll do one kid each night. If it's just for one night we will do 20-30 min each child. This is not only fun, but it allows me to learn so much about each child! What they enjoy and how they best connect.

It's never easy parenting alone. It's hard when your husband is away. The kids miss him. I miss him. Our natural routine is thrown a bit off balance. But I firmly believe by feeling safe, planning ahead, getting good sleep, maintaining routine, keeping in touch and having some yolo thrown in that a tough time period where I'd normally struggle can be one where I truly thrive!

Emily loves bargain hunting, is passionate about keepin' it real, and considers Disney World her happy place. She's the mother of four (Kye, Britt, Tess and Spear) and blogs at The Journey of Parenthood.

How Women Can Ease the Mental Load They Carry (and how men can help)

In this post: How to ease the mental load. How men and women can lift family burdens and keep the load more equitable.

There are days I feel completely over-burdened. These are days I feel like if one more thing pops up, I will surely melt into a puddle of tears on the floor. Those are days that a glass of spilled milk seems like a 1,000 pound brick has been placed on my back. My brain feels like it will explode and I cannot take one more piece of information into it! I cannot possibly take another problem to solve or task to do. This is the impact of the mental load growing too large.

How Women Can Ease the Mental Load They Carry (and how men can help) | Motherhood | #mentalload

The "mental load" is every single thing you have to keep track of. It is the myriad of things that have to be kept track of for a family. We all have our daily "to-do" lists, and those can be long, overwhelming, and seemingly insurmountable. Even heavier and more overwhelming is the mental load we carry. All of those invisible tasks or things that can't simply be checked off you have to keep track of in your mind.

Add on top of that mental load a day filled with children who talk constantly and you just can't take one more thing. You can't even adequately track that mental load because you can't even complete a sentence when you talk to yourself. You are constantly interrupted by a child; a child whom you love and whom you want to talk to and whom you want to take care of, but whose endless talking is significantly adding to your stress. A child who is so excited to tell you what she learned, or ask all of the questions that pop in her mind, or who needs a lot of help because she is just little. Now you have the load to carry while juggling the children.

Men are more and more doing more in the home to help out. For the most part, gone are the days when a man gets home from work, sits down, and relaxes the night away. Men are coming home and jumping in. Men are helping out and are even happy and eager to help. They want to be more involved and they want to help their wives. This is such a great step!

The next step is acknowledging "mental load" a woman carries and helping ease some of that mental load. Studies are showing that even women who work full time carry the brunt of the mental load. Women can get quite good at learning to balance and track all of these things. But when something comes along that is suddenly added to that load, it can be that straw that breaks the camel's back.

Even something as simple as Suzy coming home from school sad because she had a big fight with her friends at school can be enough to put a mother over the edge. It is no small thing to talk through a situation like this and carefully respond. A mom worries about her child and the pondering continues long past the time the conversation ends, often even through the night. What advice should she best give? What is the right thing to say? Did she say the right thing? How can she help heal her daughter's broken heart?

Then of course, the already present load of things to track start to feel like even more of a weight. How can she keep track of all of that while putting her mental focus into this new dilemma?

Yes, it is great when someone steps in and helps out when asked. It is even better for someone to come along and say, "Hey, I got this. I will just take care of this burden I see it and take care of it."

When a woman asks for help with something, she doesn't let go of that in her mind until the task is complete. So when she asks Dad to help Johnny with his homework, the fact that Johnny needs his homework done is still on her mind and being juggled as a "to-do" task in her brain until the homework is actually done.

So let's get the conversation going. How can the mental load be eased?

Women can help ease the mental load by:

Avoid overscheduling the family. Do not let your children participate in more than you can keep track of and still maintain balance of that load in your head. Where possible, sign up for things with friends so carpooling can happen (and friends are usually great reminders to help you remember things you need to keep track of!).
Vent when you need to. Sometimes you need to talk to someone and just get it all out. Let them know you are venting. Often, when we rattle off the list of things stressing us out, we realize it all isn't a big deal. Be cautious with the ventint; you don't want to be negative or pessimistic. But I do find it helpful to talk about things you are stressed about.
Write down everything on your mind. Do a mind purge every once in a while. Sit down and write down every single thing you are thinking of that is on your "to-do" list. Everything. Then, find a way to track it. Get an app. Keep a simple list. Get a planner. Write things on a calendar. Put reminders in your phone. Whatever works for you, do it. Get those things off your brain. Bonus tip, when you have this list completed, highlight or star things that can be done in 5-10 minutes and knock them out right then. Removing things from your brain helps ease stress significantly.
Ask your spouse to take something over. If there is something your spouse can take over, ask him to. Do be aware and sympathetic to any mental load he may bare. You aren't the only one with worries, but studies show women carry the vast bulk, so in most cases, it is perfectly just to seek some balance. You must, however, be willing to give up anything you delegate. Your spouse may not take over a task in the same way you would do it. You have to walk away and let him do it his way. It is not relieving your mental load if you micromanage it. That actually adds to your mental load because now you have the task of overseeing.
Do not get mad when your husband takes initiative and does something without asking you. If he goes grocery shopping and buys the wrong brand of peanut butter, just be grateful he bought the peanut butter. If he decides to make dinner without checking with you to see what should be made, do not get upset.
Have fair and clear expectations. Look at the things each of you is over and try to get things in a reasonable place. If both of you work, the home life load can reasonably more even. If one person works and the other stays home, it is reasonable that the person staying home will have more of the mental load to carry than the one working outside the home. Also, talk about what you are hoping for. Don't stomp around the house mad that he isn't reading your mind. Communicate your needs.
Be willing to accept help as it is. If your husband cleans the bathroom but doesn't do it your way, accept it and move on. The bathroom will get dirty all over again and need to be cleaned soon, so you can clean it then.
Do something every once in a while that distracts your mind. A "To-Do" list is never finished. You will always have more you can do. Find something that clears your mind so you can't think of anything on the list. My way to do this is to read a book. While I am reading, I am only focused on the book. I am not worried about my list. It rests my brain and allows me to recharge mentally. You might do this through something like a girls night out, a date night, Sudoku, or a movie.

Men can help ease the mental load by:

A note to men. Many men, to at least some extent, wait to be asked to do something. They are happy to help, but they do not do so without their wife or partner explicitly saying, "Will you please go change that diaper that is barely hanging on the toddler?" She asks this question while she is trying to help the 6 year old with homework and make dinner at the same time. You agree to change the diaper and do it. You probably feel great and pat yourself on the back for being so helpful.

Let me bring you in on a secret.

It would have been nicer for you to have taken note of the dirty diaper and gone and changed it yourself. That is what women are hoping for. Initiative. Noticing what is going on around you and responding appropriately. While you are patting yourself on the back for being so helpful, your wife is wondering why she has to ask a child's father to change a diaper. Here are some ways you can help ease the mental load your wife carries.

Pay attention to what is going on around you and take initiative. When you look around the room and see your wife balancing dinner and helping the six year old, look further and think, "What else needs to be done right now? Oh! Look at that diaper about to fall off the toddler. I will go change that."
Sit down and discuss the list of chores. What can you take over? What can be your thing, day

after day, that she doesn't have to worry about any more?
Ask your wife what things stress her out and see if you can take over any of that. When my husband and I first got married, I tracked all of the bills and finances. Once I had two children, this came to be too much for me. My husband took over tracking bills and the budget so that I could remove that mental load off my brain.
Take care of everything for a while so you understand it. We can't fully appreciate and understand what a person is dealing with until we experience it. Send the wife away for several days and see what it is like to track it all. Don't just turn to technology to entertain the kids while she is gone. Get them to their events. Make sure their homework is done on time. Make sure their clothes and bedding are clean and they are showering. Make sure they have lunch money. Keep the baby on schedule and tweak it correctly if she is off. Make dinner.
Sort through problems on your own. Many years ago, I injured my foot and could not walk well for at least a month. During that time, my husband went grocery shopping for me. He literally called me about once every five minutes to ask a question. There were all sorts of questions. He didn't want to mess up, but it was exhausting! It is okay to figure things out on your own (and women, we have to be okay with things being done differently than we would do them in these cases).
If you agree to do something she has asked you to do, do it in a timely manner. The reasons wives end up "nagging" you to do something is she is desperately trying to get that item out of her head. She can't until you do it. If you can't do it quickly, let her know, "I won't get to this for about an hour (or a week)." Then she can reshuffle the things she is trying to track.
Encourage your wife. Encourage her to take breaks. Be grateful for the efforts she makes.

Examples of a Mental Load

It is utterly exhausting to keep track of everything for an entire family. There are countless invisible things a woman typically keeps track of that no one sees but her. A short list of things that need to be tracked are:

Dentist appointment visits
Doctor visits
Birthdays of your small immediate family as well as extended (and for some reason, the woman is often expected to keep track of events for both sides of the extended family)
Social events and play dates
Changing sheets
Hair cuts
Clothing (what size everyone is, what needs to be purchased, what can hold on for a bit longer, and when sales are so things can be frugally purchased)
Napping schedules
Laundry
Cleaning
Teaching chores
Lessons and extra curricular activities
Carpool schedules
Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner
Paying for the lessons and extra curricular activities
Doing hair
Making sure homework is done
Talking to the children about their day and life
Reminding you complete your tasks you are supposed to be doing (whether from calling your mom to taking out the garbage)
Bathing children
If there is enough toilet paper in the house
Making sure children brushed their teeth
Teaching children life skills
Changing diapers
Potty training
When the car should be registered
How the yard is looking
Preserving family memories (journaling, taking photos, organizing photos, sharing photos with friends and family...)
Celebrating holidays and occasions

The list above is just a snippet of the things a typical woman is trying to keep straight in her head day in and day out.This is a surface list, and it doesn't even expand past the home. It doesn't reach out to staying in contact with friends or taking a meal to someone in need. It doesn't account for volunteering in the community or for any work the wife may be doing.

Understanding the mental load, what it is, and how it impacts your life daily helps you understand why a seemingly small thing can feel like Mount Everest. It can help you better understand what tasks you can add to your plate, and it can help you delegate things out and accept the best others can give. It can help you on those days, that do come, when you feel completely overwhelmed, you can step back, empty your overcrowded brain, and reach out for help.

See Also:

How to be Kind and be Firm with your Kids

by Carrie Wiley

Today, I'm sharing with you something that has been a struggle in my own heart and life lately and one I am very much still learning as I go: how to be kind and still firm with my kids.

I think it is so natural to get frustrated when our kids disobey, or give us attitude or make bad choices. You know, when it's time to actually parent them. I think it is really easy to give short, clipped instructions and corrections. And I for sure think it's easy to lose your cool. I know I struggle with this. It is something my husband and I talk about frequently and hold each other accountable to.

There is a line though, right? Certain behavior is completely unacceptable and needs to be corrected. But, isn't the same true of us as parents? It IS possible to be kind and firm in our instructions and corrections, even though it is difficult at times.

I have one tip for how to accomplish this and it's actually a tip that works across the board with talking with any human being (including your spouse, wink wink).....

consider the other person.

Being considerate of your child when you are correcting them doesn't mean you let them have their way and it doesn't mean you let them get away with poor choices or bad behavior. It means you consider the best way to communicate it to them. We all know there is a kind way to communicate with your child and the other way(s) that comes out of impatience and frustration. So yes, consideration takes a minute longer and often requires a bit of humility on your part too. But I think the response and results are worth it.

To this day, I remember times my parents corrected me and 90% of the time it was with kindness and with the intent of helping me grow into a responsible adult. I really want my kids to be able to say the same thing about me one day.

Why is this so important? Why does it matter? In our family, we believe discipline is a means of discipleship. Of helping shape their hearts and minds to love God and love His people. It is really difficult to do that if we aren't modeling that behavior for them. So we model kindness when we talk about hard things or things we disagree on. We model repentance when we get it wrong. And we model forgiveness and grace when they get it wrong.

Consideration shouldn't be such a foreign concept, but in the world we are living in now - this high charged, high-opinionated culture where everyone has a voice on social media and so many hot political topics vying for our attention - we have to be very very intentional to teach, train, and model consideration and kindness for our kids.

Carrie is wife to Kyle and mom to Laura Kate(9), Shepherd(6), Fischer(5), and Archer(3). She blogs at www.wileyadventures.com. She is a Jesus-loving, routine-following, travel planning mama, finding adventures in everyday life.

It is Okay That We Are All Different

As humans, we want to fit in. We want to be like others around us and others we look up to. So much of the marketing we see out there hones in on that fact to try to get us to buy what they are selling.

Here is reality.

We are all different.

And that is okay.

It is okay that we are not all the same. It is even good that we are not all the same.

This concept can be difficult to grasp, especially in our youth. As I have gotten older, I have come to really grasp, understand, and accept that fact. Once we do accept that, life actually gets so much better. When we work with others who are different instead of pushing against others who are different, our results are even better! Let me illustrate with an experience from this past summer.

I was asked to be over camp for the young women in my ward (church congregation). This is ages 12-18. Each summer, they go camping where they unplug, grow closer to each other, bond with their youth leaders, and hopefully grow stronger in their faith. I was told I could ask an assistant to help me. Well, of course I wanted (and needed) an assistant!

I was very prayerful in who my assistant should be. One day, the answer hit me, as I hoped it would. She accepted and off we went. This is a woman I get along with very well. We have a lot of similarities, but we also have some very, very strong differences in our personalities (when we were at camp, we played a "would you rather" game, and we chose opposite answers almost every time). As we worked together, I saw how beneficial it was to the overall picture that we are different. Her strengths are my weaknesses. Without her help, there would have been gaps in what we did. With it, it was whole.

"...it is by divine design that not all the voices in God's choir are the same. It takes variety--sopranos and altos, baritones and basses--to make rich music...When we disparage our uniqueness or try to conform to fictitious stereotypes--stereotypes driven by an insatiable consumer culture and idealized beyond any possible realization by social media--we lose the richness of tone and timbre that God intended when he created a world of diversity." Jeffrey R. Holland, "Songs Sung and Unsung"

I love that quote. If we were all the same, how boring would that be?!?

This quote is applicable in all areas of life, but in the interest of parenting, I wanted to focus on a few things.

First, if other mothers parent differently than you do, that is okay. The vast majority of parents out there want the best for their children and are taking measures to be good parents. Different doesn't mean bad. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong. It just means different. We are all in the orchestra together. We all have different instruments. We have different timings. Some have the melody. Some have the harmony. Some have a counter-melody. Sometimes we borrow a note we like that we heard from someone else. Sometimes our notes are completely dissonant. While the specific notes and timings we may be playing are vastly different from each other, we are all playing the same song. When all of those notes come together, the results are beautiful.

The second point I wanted to make was that each of your children will be different. That is okay. You may have dreamed of having a flute player, but it turns out your child is more of a tuba player. That's okay. We need all of the instruments in the band.

This means you may have hoped your child would be a star athlete. That might not be the case. Find out what your child is. You may have hoped your child would share your love for mechanics. That might not be the case. Find out what your child loves. You may have hoped for an artist, a horseman, a musician, a baker, a dancer, an academic...there are so many things we can imagine and hope our children will be. This hopes can stem from wanting to share what we loved as children or stem from wanting our children to be good at the things we weren't good at. Help your child find his or her instrument. Accept that. Embrace that. Cultivate that.

It is okay that we are not all the same. It makes for a richer world and sweeter sound.

How To Re-Fuel Mid-Air