Managing Babywise with Daycare

Babywise is definitely a philosphy that requires time and attention from the caregiver. This can be difficult enough when you are home with your baby all day and know exactly what is happening when and have some control over it. It becomes more difficult when your child is in daycare of childcare and you have to rely on someone else to do things and keep you informed.

I recently asked readers on Facebook how they make Babywise work with daycare. Here is the advice they gave. 

Be Flexible (and find someone you can trust)

Ashley said: Be flexible. I only work part-time in the mornings. My boys (aged 3 years and 11 weeks) go to a friend's house while I work. She knows my basic schedule with my baby and works toward it. But I also understand that she is working with a child that is not her own. If he breaks schedule (which happens a lot with a newborn), I trust her to do what she is comfortable with. He is often overtired once he gets home, so I let him sleep in the swing for a quick nap to help him get back on schedule. I tell myself that he will ultimately drop his morning naps so I really need to work with him on solid afternoons. That's the key with inconsistency: keep the big picture in mind. This is how I survive daycare, church, and many other things 

Kim said: Flexibility- when my middle daughter was starting at a center at 1 year old, she had a very hard time with naps in the morning and afternoon. Now she had trouble taking more than 45 min naps at home too but at least she would sleep for 45 min. I learned to be ok with her moving out of her morning nap sooner than I would have liked but it was ok. My middle now (2 year old) takes a great 2 hour nap in the afternoon every day. My 3 year old will not take a nap at daycare anymore. They asked me what I wanted to do and I asked if she could read on her cot or play quietly and they are fine with that.

Daycare centers generally have some sort of schedule (ex quiet/nap time in the whole center from 12:30-2:30, lunch and snacks at a certain time) so it might not match your schedule.

Choose the Necessary

Kim said: At the infant level, they will have a 4 to 1 ratio so again, they will try to follow your schedule as best they can but it won't be perfect since they probably have 3 other schedules to follow as well. Think about what main things you would like to keep consistent - for me it was the eat play sleep so I really stressed that to them (again at the infant level)

Relinquish Control (and have consistency at home)

Jessica said: Accept that you can try your best, but you cannot control naps when your child is at daycare. My son would rarely sleep well for them and if he did fall asleep it would be for 30 minutes or less. Respect bedtime because your little one will likely be exhausted.

Communicate

Kim said: Communication is huge. You also will need to be understanding and flexible. Daycare is a different environment- different lights, sounds, etc so things will go differently than at home. Talk with them to see how your little one is doing, when your little one is being successful, when they are not, etc. We have done both at home and a center and communication and flexibility were key. All of our daycare workers love our kids and really try to do what we ask.

Establish a Hierarchy
Amanda said: I honestly love schedules and babywise and tinkering with them - and since I am getting ready to send #3 to daycare in the spring I also have a strong LOVE for babywise and daycare and ways to make it work. A few things that I do that have really helped with my kids is

1. set up my goals and my hierarchy for that child and their time at day care. for kids that I do not worry about eating to sleep, maybe that is low on my list. If i have a baby who is having a hard time falling asleep on their own and we have just made big strides at home it may be my highest priority to make sure we arent messing with that. But I set up my hierarchy and then I slowly share those with the day care workers. Typically this looks like working on one thing at a time. One week I may say, baby has had a really hard time snacking on bottles all the time and we really want to make sure hes only eating every 2.5-3 hours to make sure he is getting full feeds. Once I feel like the teachers are on board with that and have created that into their routine with baby I will move on.

2. I set my schedule early on based on when baby needs to wake up to get to day care etc. I start thinking about it when they are born so I can know ahead of time what my goals are for DWT and bedtime early on. I find it also helps to have day care know if they are going to be ready for a bottle right when they get there, or a nap or what not - you start the day setting them up for success and they can easily get in the flow.

3. It is important to know that even with the tiny babies, day care is set up for lunch at 12 and naps right after. This is a priority and many daycare centers will turn the lights off and it ends up being the most opportune time for good naps even for tiny ones. Knowing this helped me prioritize that nap early on - and actually made the 2-1 nap transition a lot easier with my second who started day care earlier than it did for my 1st. The final thing is to keep in mind the end goals and the great things that can come from learning to sleep at day care. My children can easily sleep on a nap mat just about anywhere starting at age 1, this makes travel and being somewhere besides home at nap time much easier. The 2-1 transition can be a lot easier because often kids will get a small cat nap in the AM and then the longer nap in the afternoon early on in day care and they quickly learn to consolidate the sleep in the afternoon. Another bonus - during nap regressions, it can be nice to have a break for trying to get kids to nap! I have encouraged many of my friends that it is possible to do babywise and have a child in day care. It takes some flexibility (which is good for my type A personality) but it helps you see what the goals really are!

Related Posts:

• Working Outside the Home

• Baby Whisperer: Daycare Tips 

• Babysitters

• Church Nursery/Daycare/Playcenter 

• Daycare/Childcare and Babywise 

Caregivers index

• 5 Tips for Using Family as Babysitters
• Babysitters
• Baby Whisperer: Daycare Tips 
• Church Nursery/Daycare/Playcenter 
• Daycare/Childcare and Babywise 

Working in Your Appointments (Dr., Dentist, hair, etc.)

image source

Perhaps one of the hardest things about being a mom is figuring out when to work in your appointments. As moms, we have appointments to go to the doctor, dentist, salon, insurance agent...there is suddenly a myriad of places we used to go that seemed like no biggie that seem pretty much impossible to enter. How do you work these things in as a mom?

1-Delay and/or Don't Go

This isn't going to seem like a great answer, but one idea to consider is to just delay the appointment and/or just stop doing that appointment. Keep in mind that the time you are "stuck" home is really quite short in the grand scheme of things. I know it seems like forever, but I promise it goes by really quickly. The minutes crawl, but the years fly. It won't be too long before either your youngest is old enough to come along or your oldest is old enough to watch siblings.

You might have to get your nails done less frequently--or maybe even stop for a year or two. You might be a month or two late for the dentist. This isn't all ideal, but sometimes it is life with young children, especially a newborn. I know that with each of my kids, my dentist trips during the baby's first year are more than 6 months apart. It isn't what I consciously plan, but it happens. The day will come when you can leave your child home more easily so you can go to your appointments. 

2-Get a Babysitter

The obvious here is to get a babysitter so you can go to your appointment. If you want or need to go and you can't or don't want to take your child(ren) along with you, then you need a babysitter. This could be a young babysitter you pay. It isn't really ideal because a) who wants to us babysitting budget money for a dentist trip? and b) it makes the whole thing even more expensive! 

It could also be a family member (see my post with tips for using family as babysitters). I primarily use my parents for watching my kids when I have an appointment to go to. If you don't have family nearby, you might have an older neighbor or friend from church who would watch your children for you.

Another great idea is to trade with a nearby neighbor or friend who has small children, too. You watch her kids while she goes to the dentist and she watches yours while you go. 

You could also get a neighbor to watch and schedule during naptime. I know my kids are easiest during their naps, so for someone to either have my child sleep at their house or sit at my house while my child sleeps, it is easy. I know a lot of people who live in apartment buildings or close homes will leave a monitor with the neighbor and a key to get in if the baby needs something. 

3-Use Your Spouse

For dentist trips, typically my husband stays home and I go in early for an exam and then I drive home and he goes in for his exam and then heads to work. He can then work through lunch to make up for the late arrival if needed. We make sure to tell the receptionist when we are making the appointments what we will be doing so they know that if they are running behind, it will make the spouse late.

You could use the same idea and have your spouse either watch the kids in the waiting room or take them to a nearby park or run some errands nearby while you do your appointment. Perhaps your spouse works somewhere that allows children to visit and your spouse could even have the kids at work while you did what you needed to. 

When my husband worked too far away to do a swap and still work, he just took a day off. He needed to see the dentist, so he had to use PTO to do it. Then I did my visit the same day. If you plan in advance, you can make lots of appointments all on the same day and take time off. It is just part of the deal in being a parent with young children. 

Some places might even be open on weekends and you can get things done while your spouse is home from work. 

4-Find a Kid-Friendly Location

Some places are set up to be able to have children around. If you have places like these, use them.

Another point I want to make here is to do take your kids when it is reasonable to do so. For my OB appointments when I am pregnant, when I had a regular visit, I took my kids. That way I wasn't over-using the resources I had for watching my children. My OB has a basket of toys in each exam room, so it is very kid friendly. 

Some places might even offer childcare on sight.

5-Schedule While Kids are Busy

As your children get older, they will likely start to get involved in things. I often make appointments while my children are in school so that when I am asking someone to watch the remaining children, it isn't so many.

6-Think Outside the Box

When it comes to a doctor or dentist, you kind of have to do things the conventional way or going to them and having your exam done. For other things, however, there are a lot of options. I have a good friend cut my hair instead of going to a salon. She even comes to my house to do it. She comes during naptime and I am able to get my hair cut without Brinley being an active participant. Since Brinley has been old enough to get her hair cut, we schedule it for just before nap. Then she gets her hair cut, I put her down, and then we do my cut. 

For a short time, I enjoyed getting my eyebrows waxed. I find that to be something I don't need to regularly spend my time or money on, so I have been using at-home waxing kits for years. So far, I haven't done any damage to the eye-brows :). 

Hopefully you will find something here that will help you have an easier time working in your appointments. Do you have other ideas that you utilize for getting your appointments in?

Maintaining a Consistent Schedule and Discipline with other Caregivers

I am mom of two fantastic kiddos, age 4.5 and 6.5 (and don't just say "6 years old" to my son"--it is "6 and A HALF" now). They continue to truly amaze and astound me on a daily basis with their remarkable personalities. As much as I hate for them to leave behind some of my favorite ages and stages, I am absolutely enthralled by their growth and understanding. They are great individuals all on their own, but I really do attribute the principles of the -wise series in much of their growth and our parental success. Using Babywise and the core tenants of consistency and first-time obedience really helped my husband and I to parent on the same page and see amazing results in a relatively short amount of time.

On the flip side, we have had a large challenge in all of this from the day I found out I was pregnant with my first. I work full-time. I could write a whole post just on the emotions and challenges I felt during pregnancy while working. In fact, I blog (quite sporadically) about just that and other issues working moms face. There have been many times (sometimes hourly still) where I feel in despair about working...but I am learning that there are equally as many reasons to rejoice over working. 

One of the biggest blessings has been the nannies and caregivers that we have had to rely upon to help us. God has brought some of the most amazing young women into our life and the lives of our children. Keeping our children at home with a caregiver has been quite difficult financially but whether you use a babysitter for date night, grandparents for a weekend, daycare, or a nanny-share I am certain you will face some of the challenges we have...as well as some of the blessings.

The most terrific benefit has been the ability to maintain consistency. I am writing from the perspective of having a consistent caregiver, but much of this success can also be applied to even a teen babysitter. However, there was a time last summer right after our current nanny started working for us where my son thought that he was hot stuff. He point blank admitted she wasn't in charge, he didn't have to respect her, and he wasn't afraid of her consequences....!!!!!!! What?? We truly have done babywise from Day 1 with him. Sometimes we were too strict in our methods. I was appalled and shocked and really had no idea where to go. My sweet little boy. Where did we go wrong?

We had some quick work to do. Here are the steps we took:

1. Evaluate freedoms and consistency.

Even after a short amount of reflection, I realized we had stopped being consistent in a lot of ways. (I know. Shocking that inconsistency was the culprit :) Summer had just started. Our new sitter had just started. We moved. My husband started a new job. Whew. We were so busy we really just left their daily routine to our sitter and assumed they were having so much fun that we wouldn't be too rigid with her. Through no fault of her own, she really did not have many rules and they played.all.day. My kids loved it. It was really about 3 months right about the time my son started Kindergarten when everything came to a halt. You see, his Kindergarten teacher had RULES. Actually, he loved her rules. He loved her and wanted to please her so badly. When he came home after lunch to lack of rules, he balked. His behavior was great at school but then he was downright rebellious at home. Consistency and too much freedom was the bulk of our problem. I know this is touchy when you have family members involved but look for ways you can pick your top 2-3 priorities. Are naps always late? Is your child always choosing the activity?

2. Establish authority and respect.

It didn't take too much brilliance to understand that my son especially did not see our sitter as an authority figure. He clearly stated as much. I tried to follow through with discipline when I got home and it had no effect. We had few issues with him in the evenings but I felt like I spent all my time trying to fix the things that had happened during the time I was gone. My husband and I did make sure that we were maintaining authority consistently, but that did not bring huge improvement at first. We really had to find ways to show the kids that they had to respect anyone charged with their care. Some of this we focused on in times of non-conflict. "How should you answer her when you don't want to get dressed?" Avoid implied consequences or setting them up to fail such as "Don't you yell at her like yesterday unless you want to lose your favorite toy!" We also had to get our sitter on board and teach her how to be authoritative not just fun. We gave her some ways to script things and reviewed what first-time obedience really means to us.

3. Re-evaluate your schedule and discipline plan.

I realized that my kids are still way too young for lack of routine. Again, probably not eye-opening in hindsight. At the time, it seemed like they had so much fun without the busyness of our school routine that we never really enforced even a loose daily schedule that summer. Granted they were only in preschool at the time, there is still a beautiful consistency even going part-time to preschool and a benefit to using daycare. Last summer they swam, went to parks, went to the library, played outside...that all sounded so good. We realized we really had to limit the number of "free play" days. Not that they had to stay home and do independent play time every single day...but there needed to be a consistent balance between more structured activities and all-day-play-every-day. We also had to do re-vamp our discipline plan. We never changed our expectations for first-time obedience but we had to equip our sitter with some ways she could effectively discipline immediately. Swiftness was the key for her. No rationalizing, no coddling...just a simple "you refused to put shoes on so we cannot do x." Again, this can be difficult when grandma refuses to give any consequences but most babysitters and nannies are very glad for instructions on how to handle disobedience. One of the things I did was literally make a list of 20-30 "consequences" she could give right on the spot. If they refused, they were given a second consequence or tell mommy about it for a final consequence. That only happened two times! They were not all logical consequences tied to the action, but that made it interesting as well. They never knew if they would be told to sit on their hands for two minutes or do 10 jumping jacks. Throwing some funny things in there were still effective. It lightened the tension and helped burn energy on all those rainy summer afternoon.

Did it work? Yes!! Almost immediately. As my kids have gotten older, success sometimes feels like it takes longer to achieve but using some of the most basic -wise principles we saw amazing results. My son stopped kicking/pushing/sneaking (I told you it was baddddd!) and went straight from difficult-all-day to happy-and-compliant all day. We stopped spending every afternoon in his room with tearful/heart-broken phone calls to my husband at work to talking about all of the things he was learning and doing with our sitter. We still have rough days and challenges but being a working mom has never been better!

By Bethany Lynch who blogs at The Graceful Mom about working full-time and ways to have grace while doing it. 

BFBN Week: Finding a Babywise-friendly Sitter {Guest Spotlight}

It’s Babywise Friendly Blogs Network Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

•  Monday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
• Tuesday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom 
• Wednesday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom
• Thursday: Rachel Norman, A Mother Far From Home
• Friday: Emily Parker, Journey of Parenthood

Today's post is from Bethany over at TheGracefulMom.com. Bethany goes through her advice on finding a babysitter for your children. She is full of good ideas and helpful tips! She focuses on how to find a babysitter you are comfortable with so you will be willing to go out on those all-important date nights with your spouse. Bethany says,

It doesn't matter if you follow a certain parenting method or work/stay at home, time to yourself is vital. It is vital for a healthy marriage and a healthy family. Your children need to see that you place priority on taking care of yourself. They need to see that you do not revolve around them (are you seeing a common theme this week ?!). 

I posted yesterday on making it work with family as babysitters and Bethany's post gives ideas for how to find the best babysitter you can and how to make them an even better fit with your family. Go on over and check it out!

How did you find your babysitter?

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• BFBN
• childcare 

5 Tips for Using Family as Babysitters

We are fortunate enough that most of the time we have a babysitter for our children, we are able to use my parents, who watch our children for free. Here are my tips for using family as babysitters. These tips are in the context of you are having a family member watch your child for free and it is on occasion. These are not the same tips I would have if you were going back to work and your family member was watching your child consistently. This is you going out on a date or going to help in the school or going away for a little vacation. You can see more tips on my Babysitters Post. You can also get reader advice in this post on Daycare/Childcare and Babywise.

my mom watching Brinley

WRITE OUT THE SCHEDULE

Write or type out the schedule for your family member. Go basics here. What time is each meal? What time is each nap? What time is bedtime? 

Include details as needed. How many ounces should they expect the child to drink at each meal? What are some food ideas for each meal? Any special nap instructions? Any medications needed? Where are the diapers kept? Does your child need to be reminded to go potty?

The first time my family watched Brayden for an extended time, I wrote out his schedule. He was 7 months old. They were super impressed that I knew what time he would be up and what time he would want to go down for a nap.

As technology has improved, I have started texting the information to my parents. If I am going to be gone a short time, I just text what time Brinley will go down and anything my mom should/could expect. Then they can easily reference the text at any time to see what the schedule is.

MAKE IT AS EASY AS POSSIBLE

Make this experience as easy as possible for your family member. They are doing you a favor, so make it simple for them. Just think through the routine and what they will need to do while you are gone. Here are some examples of things I do to make it easier:

• Set out PJs before you leave. For the baby, I set out the PJs, diaper, diaper cream, etc. on the changing table. 
• Prepare food to eat. My mom recently watched Brinley for the day while we all went to a local amusement park. I packed all of her food into a pic-nic basket so it was all in one easy spot for her. Then she could easily access what Brinley can eat and what she likes to eat without hunting through the kitchen.
• Allow for flexibility--more on that in the info that follows below.
• Write down information for them to refer to. See that section above for full details.

And a tip, make it clear you did these things to make it easier for them, not because you think they are incompetent.

WRITE DOWN THE SCHEDULE & INFO

Take a moment to write out your child's schedule for the person watching your child. I just write the basics--what times do your child eat and sleep. I don't include structured play, free play, independent play, learning activities, etc. The family member is watching the child for free and this is a once-in-a-while thing, so I just focus on the basics.

I will, however, write down when independent play usually happens. I explain what it is and tell the person if they want to, they are welcome to do independent play but it is okay if they don't. 

I also include a meal plan written down for younger children. I write what they usually eat (and as I mentioned above, I will pack it up to make it easy).

ALLOW FLEXIBILITY

Allow some flexibility here. When our parents watch our kids, we let them stay up a bit later than usual. We give fair warnings--like McKenna becomes a lot harder to handle after the clock strikes 8:15 (true story), but if you want to let her stay up until 9:00, go ahead. We do keep our babies on the same routine, and the grandparents wouldn't want to mess with it anyway because the babies get a bit grumpy when they are late for their sleep. With Brinley, I will say, "Her nap starts at 2:30, but if she is being happy you can keep her up until 3:00." Then they can get some extra time in with her but she still has a good nap time set for her.

Pick your battles. Remember they are working for free.Only ask for the things that are of most importance to you. Keep the adage "beggars can't be choosers" in mind here. They are doing this for free and you can't be picky about it.

TALK WITH THE KIDS BEFORE YOU LEAVE

As age appropriate, talk with your children before the babysitting time starts. what is allowed and what is not allowed. Remind them of rules that you want enforced that you know your family member won't enforce. I have a friend whose parents will show her children media she isn't comfortable with, so she has a rule that they have to call her and ask permission to watch any show they are thinking about. If they don't follow that rule, she won't let them go to grandma's the next time. They are sure to call. Once you have explained ground rules, ask your child questions to be sure he understands the rules. For more on this concept, see my post Ask and Tell. 

RESPECT THEIR TIME

Don't take advantage of the generosity of your family members. Ask them what time they want you back by. Don't abuse the help. Exactly how this plays out will vary from person to person. For example, my dad is super relaxed and really doesn't mind sitting on our couch late at night, so we can stay out past midnight when he is watching our kids. If it is just my mom, she prefers us back around 10. When both of my parents come, they will drive separately and my mom will leave after Brinley and McKenna are in bed and my dad will stay and party with Kaitlyn and Brayden. 

What tips do you have for using family as babysitters?

It’s Babywise Friendly Blogs Network Week again! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

•  Monday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat
• Tuesday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom 
• Wednesday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom
• Thursday: Rachel Norman, A Mother Far From Home
• Friday: Emily Parker, Journey of Parenthood

Working Outside the Home

image source

I have had lots of requests from moms to share information on how to implement Babywise while working outside the home. Since I have no experience with that, I turned to my friend Bethany. Bethany even went so far as to create a blog for Moms who work outside the home! Be sure to check her out here: http://thegracefulmom.com/

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My husband and I both work full-time.  We have two energetic children, 3 years old and 18 months old.  Without Babywise, I cannot imagine how we would manage.  I think I appreciate it more even now than I did with a newborn.

We first heard about Babywise from my step-sister and my sister-in-law.  We witnessed firsthand the success that they had with their newborns, and it truly complimented our parenting style and philosophies.  To this day, we are strong advocates of sleep, routine, and first-time obedience.

I think the biggest things that makes it hard to incorporate Babywise as a working parent is that you are not always physically there to implement it.  I was quite naive about daycare and shocked to realize that much of the effort I put in during my 12 weeks of maternity leave could be lost in a matter of days.  I was also blown away by how hard it would be to return to work.

The best advice I can give to any working mother, especially if you are trying to incorporate Babywise principles, is to find a high quality childcare provider.  If you are not satisfied with your provider, you will probably be constantly torn and conflicted about working.  Changing childcare providers was probably one of the most important contributors to being at peace with returning to work.  It was not easy, and it took months to find another solution.  Ultimately, we hired our own sitter/nanny, and it is one of the best decisions we have made.

I have been blessed beyond belief to find nannies that are even better at incorporating Babywise than I am, in some aspects.  We have still been able to add structured Babywise activities, such as independent play.  My kids are with their sibling all day, and they get to nap in their own bed for a full nap every day.  That does not mean that my priorities have to be your priorities, by any means.  Daycare can also be very structured in the older toddler rooms, but I truly appreciate the control and the close interaction with my caregiver that we have. 

No matter which kind of caregiver you choose, make sure that you communicate closely and effectively.  I would encourage you to use some sort of daily log so that you still have an idea of your child's daily activities and meals.  Our log has even helped me determine whether diaper rashes are from a recent dirty diaper versus not being changed enough.  Talk often with your provider and be open to their suggestions as well.

Realize that you cannot do everything.  Chances are you will not be able to incorporate all of the Babywise principles.  We have not done blanket time consistently (or often at all).  We have had nannies that are better at routine and structured learning than others. 

No matter what, make the most of the time you have with your children.  Live in the present with the time you do have.  PLAY, and play HARD.  Know that it does get easier in many aspects.  Your baby will stay awake longer and often have very little trouble with separation anxiety.  Babywise has given us the routine and structure to keep us and our kids well-rested and happy. 

What to Do When Your Babysitter Won't Follow Your Routine

I often get questions about what to do about a babysitter who won't follow your outline when watching your kids and what to do about it.

First, if it is a babysitter you are paying, I think they need to do their best to comply with what you ask. Do make sure, however, that you are asking things that are within reason for the circumstances. I say that for the benefit of your child. If, for example, you are in the middle of CIO, you don't want to put a babysitter in charge of monitoring it. As much experience as I have with CIO, I would be a bit stressed if someone brought their baby to me and asked me to have her CIO and then left. I would do my best, but I would most definitely err on the side of caution, not knowing the baby and not being the mom. 

I use CIO as a simple example, but that same idea can be applied to a lot of situations. 

If the child, however, is adept at falling asleep on her own, you can ask that the babysitter put your baby to bed awake rather than rock her to sleep.

Now, let's say this is a babysitter you are paying but it isn't a regular ocurrance. In other words, you are a stay-at-home mom who wants a babysitter either for running errands or for going out on a date with your husband. In this case, I would not stress about things and simply find a different babysitter next time. 

If it is a babysitter you are paying but it is regular, this is something that would need to be addressed. In other words, you are a working mom who has your child in childcare while you are at work. I would talk with the babysitter (day care provider, nanny, etc) about what needs to change. Again, you are paying the person so you have the absolute right to ask certain things be done, I think. This person needs to be an extension of you. Sure, he/she can't be exactly like you and she shouldn't try. But she can do her best to follow your rules to her ability. If she can't, I would find another child care provider. If that isn't an option, I would say the only option left is to change your expectations.

But this question from a reader brings up a complicated issue:

1.       My question is, do your parents follow BW? Both my In-Laws and my parents don't really agree with having a routine for my LO. 

Here is where things get tricky and not all people agree. It is relatively easy to understand that when you pay someone to do something, it is reasonable for you to dictate to a certain extent how that is done. If you hired a cleaning service, you would not keep them around if they didn't do as good of a job as you wanted. Nor would you (most of you) go back to a hair stylist who repeatedly gave you a bad haircut. 

But when you move into the free babysitter and the babysitter who is family, things become more complicated. "Beggars can't be choosers." If your mom came and cleaned your house for free, you might not love everything she did, but you couldn't really tell her how to do it different ly. You would either accept it as it is or decline her offer to do it. Perhaps you could make requests like "Just leave the bathroom. I will clean it myself" but you couldn't say, "You aren't getting the bathrooms as clean as I like--especially the floor. Can you please improve on that?" 

If you got a free haircut that turned out to be bad, you just wouldn't ask/accept another free haircut, right? You could try again, at a risk, and ask that she really only take one inch off, but if she messed up again, you can't really complain about it.

The same principles can easily be applied to children. If your free babysitters don't follow your requests/instructions, find a different free babysitter.

Of course, we are dealing with humans all around, so it can't really be that simple. 

Family will want to see your child. Your child will want to see the family. So simply cutting off the interaction isn't necessarily a  good or right thing to do.

But you are also talking about  your child--the person YOU are responsible for. You and your spouse are responsible for raising this child correctly, so there might be times you feel like you need to "pull visitation rights"--or at least only do them with supervision. If there is a moral issue at hand, you absolutely do not need to be flexible. But on issues like sleep and food, I think it is a time to find a common ground.

Let's mull over some points on this topic. None of it is black and white, but we can get some basic gists here.

If you have a free babysitter who watches your child on occasion, I think this is a time to be flexible. Do they keep your child up late? Do they feed him food you don't want him eating (assuming it is food that is age-appropriate)? Do they hold your baby for nap time? 

These are things you need to weigh and decide if the free childcare is worth it or not. In most cases, I would say that your child being held through a nap every so often isn't going to cause a major problem. 

There are things that you can do. You can try talking to the person about it--let them know what you do and what you prefer. 

If the person doesn't follow your wishes, then you have the choice of whether or not the free childcare is worth it. I am not saying cutting off ties--just if you will leave your child alone with that person or not anymore. Again, I don't think you can demand a person follow your every desire if you are not paying them. So your child might get more TV and snacks and less sleep than you would prefer.

Some people will encounter issues more serious than a package of fruit snacks. In these cases, again, I think start with a conversation, and if things don't change, you find other childcare options.

If you have a free babysitter who watches your child regularly, I think the same rules apply so far as you first talk to the babysitter, then find other options if you and the babysitter can't come to a compromise. However, I do think when things are consistent, the "little things" like not enough sleep, too much TV, and lots of snacks become big things. Even as often as once a week, these little things aren't going to cause major problems, but several times a week will cause issues.

My Personal Experience

My parents and my in-laws follow what I ask them to do when they watch our kids. However, I do not ask them to do everything that I do.

If they are watching a baby, I outline eating and sleeping times. What they do for playtime I leave up to them. They are both responsible and I can trust them with that. 

If they are watching a toddler, I outline only sleeping times. I figure meal time is pretty self-explanatory--breakfast, lunch, dinner. 

A preschooler, I outline bedtime. Nap time I leave open "She can take a nap if she is cranky. If not, you can let her stay up. But if she doesn't nap, she will most likely need to go to bed early." 

For a child-age range, I give a "latest" acceptable bedtime to me, which is later than Brayden's regular bedtime. I know staying up late every so often is okay for him at this point. 

I don't ask for things like independent playtime to be followed. One time, our parents split a week watching Brayden and Kaitlyn while we went to Washington D.C. I wrote down when we usually had IPT and told our parents that it was an option if they needed it, but also told them I didn't care if it was done or not. It never was. No big deal.

I know that when my kids are with grandparents, they get as many snacky-foods in one afternoon as they would get in a month at our house. I know naps will be short and bedtime will be late. I know they might talk grandma into one more show than I would like. 

But I also know they will be in good hands. I know they will feel very special. I know they will have lots of fun. 

And I know they will come home a bit whiny and cranky and that is the price I pay for a bit of freedom. But I also know they will snap back quickly and will be back to their normal selves by the next day. 

And things also vary from grandparent to grandparent. My husband's mom was a very scheduled mother herself, so she is pretty good at following things to the minute. My mom was absolutely not a scheduled mother, but has become a believer after watching me with my kids, so she does her best to follow things, and is usually on by a few minutes. My dad, however, I just know has very little concept of time. I know the demeanor of the girls (AKA crankiness) will ensure they get to bed pretty close to on time, but I also know that Brayden will see hours he has never known while awake before. We have even come home to find Brayden and my Dad asleep on the couches. And so far, we have all survived just fine. 

So, there are a few main points I am trying to focus on here:

1. If you are paying for childcare, you have the right to expect your desires to be followed to the best of that babysitter's ability
2. If the babysitting is not a consistent, regular thing, you don't need to stress out about little things. Your child will bounce back, and your child will soon realize certain people have certain rules
3. If the childcare is free, you can request things, but you can't demand them. If your desires are not followed and that is absolutely not okay with you, you can find other childcare options
4. If the childcare is a consistent thing, free or paid for, the little things can become big problems. In the case of consistent childcare, you need to find someone to watch your child who can do the things you ask
5. A little spoiling from grandparents (or aunts/uncles/trusted friend) is not going to destroy your child

Related Blog Labels:

• childcare
• family relationships
• Dealing with Difficult Family Members: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/10/dealing-with-difficult-family-members.html

1.      

How to Balance Daycare/Childcare and Babywise

How to Balance Daycare/Childcare and Babywise. You can do Babywise even if you are a working parent and your child is in daycare. 

There are many moms out there who, for a variety of reasons, need childcare. As I do not have experience in this situation, I again turned to friends for their advice for moms using daycare and Babywise. Here are their thoughts:

BaumShelter said:

Thankfully my daycare provider is a Babywise mom herself . . . she's actually the one that gave me the book! I've even found her to be a great resource when it comes to troubleshooting. In the beginning I tended to be somewhat strict with my schedule (when she is more of a relaxed personality) and she was very respectful of my wishes. I just wrote out a detailed description of McKenna's schedule, talked to her before and after I dropped her off or picked her up, and even asked her to keep me a log for a while of my daughter's waketimes, naps, amount eaten at a feeding, etc... I know that not everyone will be in this same situation of having someone so familiar with the principles, but I WOULD hope that each person's daycare provider would be respectful of that woman's wishes . . . especially since they're probably getting paid pretty good. A few weeks ago when my mother-in-law came to visit I asked her to read the Babywise book so she would understand our philosophy, routine, etc... Thankfully she did so willingly. Perhaps that is something that some moms using daycare could do--provide the person watching their child(ren) with a copy of the book and set up a time to talk with them about how consistency is a vital key in them having a happy baby to watch! What can beat that?! I hope this information has been a least somewhat helpful.

A Friend said:

I can't speak to the daycare centers, but I can share my experience with my nanny. First off though, if your daycare provider seems to have a strong parenting opinion against BW, you should obviously find someone else. Ask if they have heard of or read BW in the interview process. Also ask how they feel about CIO. Try to feel them out.

My nanny is 25 and doesn't have any kids of her own and hasn't heard of BW. Nor has she heard of attachment parenting. She didn't have an opinion of either, which was good. Fresh slate. She COMPLETELY respected my wishes. I posted our schedule in the kitchen and gave her an overview of the basics. After a while, she would help me troubleshoot. It was great to have her as a sounding board since my DH was away. She became a great friend. She also didn't have any issues with CIO. In fact, for a couple of our training sessions (rolling over, swaddle weaning), she did the first 1-2 CIO sessions, which was great. She had an easier time listening to it than I did.
On top of all of this, my nanny was also caring for my older DS. She cooked healthy meals (for me too!), cleaned and even did my laundry! She charged $12/hr. for the two kids. I use past tense because she's currently looking for a full-time job. I only had her come 1-2 days a week and she needs health insurance. We are both very sad about it and are having a harder time emotionally than we thought we would. That is THE ULTIMATE in a childcare provider. Not only do you want them to follow your instructions, but you want them to become attached to your child and begin to love them! I'm going to start crying here!

Spencemom said:

We have a nanny for our son, and it is working out fabulous. She is 26 with one daughter. She did not use BW, but after being with us for 4 months, she is asking me for tips on sleep and eat patterns:) She fully respects our schedule, and she'll email me during the day is something is "off" to get my opinion. I'm never nervous DS with miss nap time or get off his normal routine. The one downside is she is $13.50 an hour which for a few days a week is much more costly than daycare. However for our schedule (and less illness), my DH and I think it is WELL WORTH IT!

Bethany said:

I'm still having issues with terrible naps, but my best advice is communication. We are currently using a daycare center. Every morning we write down his feeding times and nap times on his daily report that they are required to fill out by the state. I've also typed up a sheet with his schedule and other tips that stays on his clipboard. Now, it is extremely rare for him not to be fed on time.

They haven't quite figured out how to please me with his naps :) Sometimes they forget it's his naptime or don't think he's tired. Again, communication has really helped so that now they know to leave him in his crib when he wakes early and to always put him down even if they don't think he's tired. Every single teacher has commented on his happy disposition. He's the most well-rested infant in there.

I still have lots of gripes and most days his naps are all over the place. Constant communication is the only thing that has made a difference. I wish I could require the directors and teachers to read BW. Most moms in the room are AP, though.

Dana said:

I don't know if this will help, but I used to be a nanny and I have also worked in a daycare center. My children have not been in childcare, so I can't speak to actual experience with babywise babies/children.

As a freshman in college I worked as a "teacher" in the 1yo classroom of a daycare center. The ratio of 1yo/teacher was 7/1. They had one naptime per day, no cribs. They were expected to lay on mats and sleep for 1-2 hours. Most were so tired they crashed for at least an hour. When you have 14 1yo's and 2 teachers it is very difficult to keep the ones that wake corralled, doing quiet activities and let the others sleep. Naptime was also when teachers took their lunch breaks. Leaving one teacher to handle those that woke early.

I was often found in the baby room during my breaks. (Despite the new rule that any one not hired to be in there was required to stay out.) The ladies in that room often peaked their heads into our room to ask me to come over and help on my break. (I did not know anything about babywise at this point.) The ratio in that room was 4 babies to 1 adult. Which meant there were 8 babies a day in the room with 2 adults to care for them. The cribs were in the same room. Lights were on all day, with only one set naptime where the lights were turned off. Most babies were overstimulated, tired and cranky unless being held.

I was a nanny for a boy of an AP mom from the time he was 15mo to 3.5 yrs. (I found out I was pregnant with my first baby 2 wks after I started. I didn't take the Prep for Parenting/babywise class until 2 wks before my son was born.) Even though I hadn't read babywise, I quickly tired of the routine the old nanny had of rocking the little boy to sleep for his naps. I started to let him CIO about a month after I started. I sat right next to the door, b/c the mom worked from home, so I wanted her to see that I was really listening and paying attention to what was happening. My son came to work with me from the time he was 6wks on. The mom was always amazed at how well Kyle slept, how happy he was and how well he ate. By the time I left, she still couldn't figure out how I got her son to behave so well, when she couldn't, and why Kyle was such a happy, good little boy. (I shared my thoughts with her many times, but I don't think she listened.)

After doing both these jobs, I feel the best environment for any baby, but especially a babywise baby is with a nanny or an in-home daycare. With a nanny, they are in the familiarity of your home, making the routine easier. At an in-home daycare the ratios are much better. They can only have 1 or 2 babies in the home depending on how many children are there. This would make it easier for the caregiver to follow your schedule.
I hope this info is helpful in some way.

As a nanny, the mom I worked for was able to do a background check on me and I believe was able to check my driving record through the company she hired me through. Since she knew my driving record and felt safe with the car I drove, she had me take her son to classes. I took him to Kindermusik, baby swimming classes as well as a toddler play group. Those ended once I had my son, but with the two of them we often went to parks and indoor play areas. So those moms concerned about socialization have that option with a nanny as well.

My Advice
I appreciate the advice of each of these women. If you have advice and tips to share, please add them. Here are some of my own thoughts on the situation. I haven't ever had my kids in childcare/daycare, but I have worked in a daycare. Here are my thoughts based on what I do know:

• I completely agree with Dana when she says that the best environment for a baby is at home with a Nanny or other provider. After working in a daycare, I would never send my children to a daycare. I am sure there are some great daycares out there. I also know some parents don't have much of a choice. But if you do, I would look in to a nanny or an in-home daycare.
• Know there will be some disruptions with naps and feedings. Hopefully you can find a person or place who will work to comply with your schedule. I think one reason a nanny is preferable to a daycare is that a nanny can do what you want her to, whereas a daycare has a lot of babies and children to care for and needs to create a schedule of their own. It would be hard to have 8 different schedules for the 8 different kids. Even 8 Babywise babies will have different schedules somewhat.
• Do certain things at home. If you are in daycare, that isn't going to be the best place to have them do independent playtime. I would do that at home, which I can see as being difficult because you will want to spend all the time you can with them. But you could have your child do independent playtime while you make dinner. If you have a Nanny, you can certainly have her do independent playtime with your child during the day. You could likely also request this if you take your child to a home for childcare.
• Try to find a person/place who can comply with your schedule. Some daycares can and will comply to your schedule.
• Always go with your "gut." Pray about the situation if you are a praying person. Be in-tune with your child to be sure the current option is the best one for him.

Related Posts:

• childcare (blog label)
• daycare (blog label)

Reader Advice:

• Susan and Ethan Peterson said...
  I have my 6 1/2 month daughter in an in home daycare. Although we have had to make some adjustments to BW her sitter has done a great job following my wishes, and has really helped me to keep Haley on a schedule. She feeds her when and how I ask her to, and we talk every day about what she did and didn't do. It was an adjusment for her at first, but now she tells all new moms that she knows to go get babywise. I have truly been blessed!
  July 8, 2008 7:45 PM
  Plowmanators said...
  Susan, Thanks for your thoughts! It sounds like you have a good setup there.
  July 9, 2008 11:05 AM
• G-Man's Mama said...
  Just wanted to include my experience with a daycare center and babywise. Our son started daycare 3 weeks ago. He is 4 mo. and I have been consistent, constant and insistent (he was previously watched by his G'ma's and my aunt) about his schedule before he started. He is pretty well established in his schedule. Anyway, the daycare center we take our son to requires that the caregivers have read the babywise book, which helps a little. They have his schedule w/ tips & babywise princpals posted in the classroom and they are pretty awesome about sticking to it. They even succeed in getting him to take a fourth nap, something I am unable to do. This daycare is one of the best in the area and we feel like they really listen to us and are very compliant with our wishes. I hope anyone who chooses a daycare center finds the same wonderful experience we have.
  September 23, 2008 4:03 PM

Reader Questions:

• Nicole Flowers said...
  I am sleep training right now -- putting him down in his crib every time he seems sleepy throughout the day/night after each waketime. But he starts daycare part time (every afternoon M-F) in about a week. Clearly I won't have the same control with that. Should I continue doing what I'm doing in the daytime to sleep train? BTW, my baby is 2 months old.
  August 28, 2008 3:08 PM
  Plowmanators said...
  Nicole, I would do what they are going to do at daycare. If they are going to CIO, I would definitely do that so you can try to learn his patterns and give them some clues.
  September 2, 2008 10:21 PM

Church Nursery/Daycare/Playcenter

source

I know that many churches have nursery for children starting at young babies. My kids don't go to nursery until 18 months, so I don't know how starting young affects a child's view of nursery. I only have 5 more months to go before Kaitlyn goes to nursery! At our church, it seems like most kids have a difficult time when they first go to nursery. I find this to be completely understandable. They are in a strange room, usually with strange people, and wild children. It seems Babywise babies really don't have a huge struggle with mom leaving them alone in the nursery, though some do.

The first day my son started nursery, I stayed in the room for a while (like 20 minutes). I waited until I was sure he was comfortable there before I left. Then I told him I was leaving and hugged him and told him I would be back in a little while. He was fine for about an hour, then an older kid hit him and he cried and they came to get me. The next week, my husband stayed with him for about 20 minutes again, then he left. My son was fine that day. We haven't had a problem since.

When it comes to how you leave your child in the nursery (or daycare or play center while you work out) you have to do what you think is best for the personality of your child. My son does better if he has someone familiar there with him at first while he gets used to things, but quickly warms up to the situation. With my daughter, I think I will have to just put her in there, say goodbye, and walk out. The longer I would stay, the more likely I believe she will get clingy to me.

Whether you stay for a bit or leave right away, I think it is always good to tell your child you are leaving. I don't think it is good to sneak out. Your child will notice your absence at some point. Just keep the good-bye short, simple, and matter-of-fact. Save your emotion for once you leave the room (I know I got teary-eyed when I knew my son had graduated to nursery age--it is bittersweet).

I have also heard from many nursery workers that they perfer you to just leave. If your child is crying and throwing a fit, it is easier for them to work with your child without you there. Again, you need to know your child's personality. When I stayed with Brayden, he wasn't clinging to me and crying. He was just looking to make sure I was close by in case he had troubles. I could see Kaitlyn crying for a minute when I leave. But she would quickly get over it. I will be sure to keep you all abreast of the situation when it arises. The nursery workers can come get you if your child won't calm.

I have a Babywise friend whose son did great in nursery for 6 months, then suddenly didn't want to stay in there. That lasted for about 3 Sundays. She believes it was simply separation anxiety. They also happened to get a new nursery worker at the same time, and she was mindful of the situation. Unfortunately, we live in an age where you have to be very careful. If your child really doesn't like nursery, or suddenly starts disliking nursery, I would be sure there isn't a serious reason (like abuse from a nursery worker). I know the vast majority of workers out there would never harm your child in any way, but some would. The safety of our children should always come first. I hope I didn't scare us all today :)

As always, please share your tips/experiences with leaving your child with caregivers.

Related Posts:

• childcare (blog label)
• daycare (blog label)
• separation anxiety (blog label)

Reader Comments/Thank Yous/Advice:

• Dana said...
  Thanks for your thoughts on this! Here's my experience: We started each of our children in nursery at 3 mo. My son (3yr) has loved nursery from day one. The only times he ever had problems were when I was volunteering, and he didn't want me holding other babies. My daughter (11mo)hasn't had any problems in nursery, except a couple times she wouldn't take a bottle from the worker. She even doesn't seem to have any problem when I volunteer w/ me holding other babies. I think starting them early helped, plus the fact that we have consistant nursery workers they are used to being around.
  May 20, 2008 2:11 PM
  Plowmanators said...
  Thanks for your thoughts Dana! I think some kids have a more natural tendancy toward "jealousy" than others. It is interesting.
  May 21, 2008 11:06 AM
• mommytoisabella said...
  I had a very good experience with leaving Isabella in a church nursery. We were visiting the US during the holidays and at first I was hesitant about leaving her in the nursery at 4 months. I was sitting with her in the nursing mothers room or the family room. However with so many kids in there I could not concentrate on the messages. Being when I am at home in Kosovo I am the nursery worker in the church, therefore I am unable to attend the services, I decided while in the US to put her in the nursery and she did well. All of the nursery workers we surprised at what a good baby she was. When I checked her in there was a sheet where I could write down what her needs where i.e. the time to give her a bottle and if she needed a nap etc... The nursery workers were surprised that I knew the times she would be hungry and tired. Thanks to Babywise. I would get comments like "she was the only baby that didn't cry."
  May 22, 2008 1:53 PM
  Plowmanators said...
  Thanks for sharing that! It is a nice sucess story :)
  May 23, 2008 4:44 PM

Reader Questions:

• popuri said...
  Hi, in our church, the nursery room is open to babies & nursing moms as soon as they turn 1 mth old until they start to walk. The only issue is that they expect non-nursing moms to attend the service no matter what age the kids are. Some kids did great and stay with the roomful of strangers without a tear. My kid just won't. He is shy & gentle by nature and needed someone familier to be around. So I had to stay around. However, I noticed as he grows older 12mths, he begins to warm up to strangers a little better, by smiling, still hiding his face. At least he doesnt cry. So i start to spend some time in the nursery with him until he warms up to the surrounding and then tell him I am leaving and will come and get him later.
  
  I do this progressively and lengthens the time I am away. I also make sure there is a care-giver he will be comfortable with. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it does not. Then I realised he did better in a room with not so many people & when it is not too noisy. We have a different set of care-givers each wk, it is difficult for the child to form relationship with anyone.ps: my son is trained in babywise mtd at home.
  
  Do u have any suggestions how can parents can work together with the church for kids who won't stay without thier moms? Is there something we can do with the current structure? thanks!
  July 29, 2008 10:05 PM
  Plowmanators said...
  Popuri,I don't know if there is really a good solution for you. Does he have independent play at home? If not, that might help. It is hard since he doesn't have consistent people in the nursery. I think what you are doing sounds good. Some kids really don't like other noisy kids, especially when they are the oldest. Otherwise it might just be something you have to continue solowly working ont.
  August 1, 2008 11:14 AM