Managing Babywise with Daycare

Babywise is definitely a philosphy that requires time and attention from the caregiver. This can be difficult enough when you are home with your baby all day and know exactly what is happening when and have some control over it. It becomes more difficult when your child is in daycare of childcare and you have to rely on someone else to do things and keep you informed.

I recently asked readers on Facebook how they make Babywise work with daycare. Here is the advice they gave. 

Be Flexible (and find someone you can trust)

Ashley said: Be flexible. I only work part-time in the mornings. My boys (aged 3 years and 11 weeks) go to a friend's house while I work. She knows my basic schedule with my baby and works toward it. But I also understand that she is working with a child that is not her own. If he breaks schedule (which happens a lot with a newborn), I trust her to do what she is comfortable with. He is often overtired once he gets home, so I let him sleep in the swing for a quick nap to help him get back on schedule. I tell myself that he will ultimately drop his morning naps so I really need to work with him on solid afternoons. That's the key with inconsistency: keep the big picture in mind. This is how I survive daycare, church, and many other things 

Kim said: Flexibility- when my middle daughter was starting at a center at 1 year old, she had a very hard time with naps in the morning and afternoon. Now she had trouble taking more than 45 min naps at home too but at least she would sleep for 45 min. I learned to be ok with her moving out of her morning nap sooner than I would have liked but it was ok. My middle now (2 year old) takes a great 2 hour nap in the afternoon every day. My 3 year old will not take a nap at daycare anymore. They asked me what I wanted to do and I asked if she could read on her cot or play quietly and they are fine with that.

Daycare centers generally have some sort of schedule (ex quiet/nap time in the whole center from 12:30-2:30, lunch and snacks at a certain time) so it might not match your schedule.

Choose the Necessary

Kim said: At the infant level, they will have a 4 to 1 ratio so again, they will try to follow your schedule as best they can but it won't be perfect since they probably have 3 other schedules to follow as well. Think about what main things you would like to keep consistent - for me it was the eat play sleep so I really stressed that to them (again at the infant level)

Relinquish Control (and have consistency at home)

Jessica said: Accept that you can try your best, but you cannot control naps when your child is at daycare. My son would rarely sleep well for them and if he did fall asleep it would be for 30 minutes or less. Respect bedtime because your little one will likely be exhausted.

Communicate

Kim said: Communication is huge. You also will need to be understanding and flexible. Daycare is a different environment- different lights, sounds, etc so things will go differently than at home. Talk with them to see how your little one is doing, when your little one is being successful, when they are not, etc. We have done both at home and a center and communication and flexibility were key. All of our daycare workers love our kids and really try to do what we ask.

Establish a Hierarchy
Amanda said: I honestly love schedules and babywise and tinkering with them - and since I am getting ready to send #3 to daycare in the spring I also have a strong LOVE for babywise and daycare and ways to make it work. A few things that I do that have really helped with my kids is

1. set up my goals and my hierarchy for that child and their time at day care. for kids that I do not worry about eating to sleep, maybe that is low on my list. If i have a baby who is having a hard time falling asleep on their own and we have just made big strides at home it may be my highest priority to make sure we arent messing with that. But I set up my hierarchy and then I slowly share those with the day care workers. Typically this looks like working on one thing at a time. One week I may say, baby has had a really hard time snacking on bottles all the time and we really want to make sure hes only eating every 2.5-3 hours to make sure he is getting full feeds. Once I feel like the teachers are on board with that and have created that into their routine with baby I will move on.

2. I set my schedule early on based on when baby needs to wake up to get to day care etc. I start thinking about it when they are born so I can know ahead of time what my goals are for DWT and bedtime early on. I find it also helps to have day care know if they are going to be ready for a bottle right when they get there, or a nap or what not - you start the day setting them up for success and they can easily get in the flow.

3. It is important to know that even with the tiny babies, day care is set up for lunch at 12 and naps right after. This is a priority and many daycare centers will turn the lights off and it ends up being the most opportune time for good naps even for tiny ones. Knowing this helped me prioritize that nap early on - and actually made the 2-1 nap transition a lot easier with my second who started day care earlier than it did for my 1st. The final thing is to keep in mind the end goals and the great things that can come from learning to sleep at day care. My children can easily sleep on a nap mat just about anywhere starting at age 1, this makes travel and being somewhere besides home at nap time much easier. The 2-1 transition can be a lot easier because often kids will get a small cat nap in the AM and then the longer nap in the afternoon early on in day care and they quickly learn to consolidate the sleep in the afternoon. Another bonus - during nap regressions, it can be nice to have a break for trying to get kids to nap! I have encouraged many of my friends that it is possible to do babywise and have a child in day care. It takes some flexibility (which is good for my type A personality) but it helps you see what the goals really are!

Related Posts:

• Working Outside the Home

• Baby Whisperer: Daycare Tips 

• Babysitters

• Church Nursery/Daycare/Playcenter 

• Daycare/Childcare and Babywise 

Caregivers index

• 5 Tips for Using Family as Babysitters
• Babysitters
• Baby Whisperer: Daycare Tips 
• Church Nursery/Daycare/Playcenter 
• Daycare/Childcare and Babywise 

Working Chores Into Your Child's Day

You know how when you have a baby, things change all the time? You just get waketime length figured out and then BAM! Time to drop a nap. These moments help train you for what parenting brings all along the way. Just when you get a great chore system in place, BAM! Your child enters school and you aren't sure how to work chores in anymore. Here are some tips to work past that.

The culture I grew up and and currently live in is one that values work. My father is the son of a dairy farmer. They worked hard. Because of the example of my parents, I am a hard worker. I always knew that I would want to teach my children to be hard workers as well.

I spent many hours during the first several years of my oldest child's life reading and reading about chores--developing my own opinion and philosphy as I poured through countless "expert" opinions. We worked on chores in our home and had a great system going.

And then something interesting happened.

Life.

Organizing and implementing chores was and is easy if I am home and my children are home all day every day (for the most part). When you are all home, you have an entire day to fill. Chores are almost necessary just to keep the masses sane. You need to balance the structure with the the free play. But when we started adding school, lessons, sports, etc. to life, it became a little trickier. I would imagine much of my dilema with it all is similar to what many of you readers experience as your children become school age or you go back to work.

I have a hard time knowing where to fit chores into our day. I can think of times that work on paper, but fitting it in real life is something that pulls at me. Here are some ideas.

We could do chores each morning before school starts. My children typically have about an hour they can spend playing with each other before school starts. An hours is plenty of time to work chores in. But...I have a hard time with the idea of chores before school. My three older children are about to go to a day highly full of structure--I love that they can spend some time just letting their imaginations take over before they head off to school. My fourth child (3) has this precious hour to play with siblings before she is left in the house with me for the day, so I hate to have her play time spent doing chores.

On the other side, after school, we have the same issue. They just spent the day at school and away from family. I don't want to then greet them with, "Hey! Time to work!" Plus they have homework and activities that take time after school. 

Another option is to load a bunch of chores onto Saturday. Saturday can be our work day. But do I really want to turn the one day of the week we have off into chore day?

With all of all of options...it almost seems easier to just forget the chore thing!

The reality, however, is that I am still a big believer in the benefits of chores. I believe that work has more than an economic value (Work: More than Economic Value). Most of us who have had our children help with work around the house know full well having the child help with chores does not make things easier (at least initially--since I have children who are 10-3 I can promise you the day does come that they do actually add quite a bit of help as they get older). Work is a necessary part of life, and I even believe work is good for us (see Work and Responsibility).

I want my children to leave my home self-sufficient. I want them to be able to do their own laundry, clean their bathrooms, and make food for themselves. I want my son to be the type of man is is able and willing to help clean around the house. I want my daughters to be able to keep their homes clean. Their is value and satisfaction in work. If all work and no play makes Johnny dull, then all play and no work makes Suzie pretty intolerable.

I deeply believe all of this, and yet the decision is hard on when to best work chores into our lives when school is in session.

When I first faced this problem, I realized the root of problem here was that I hadn't ever changed my strategy. I was trying to apply my previous plan on a new situation, and that doesn't always work. A new life situation will likely mean a restructure in the chores plan.

So how do you figure out the best time for chores to work in your home?

1. Write down on paper the possible times you can do chores. You want to choose times that are consistent each day--times you know you can follow through on. 
2. Think through your options--visualize each scenario in your mind. Follow it from beginning to end. Does it seem to work?
3. Think through the possible reasons that time doesn't work for you. If you can't resolve your "nay" reasons, that likely will not be a successful time for you to have chores. 
4. Choose the time you think will work best and implement it. 
5. A great idea is to work some chores into certain routines that happen each day. For example, making your bed can be part of your morning routine. You can have a routine where each person clears his or her own place after each meal. Each evening, we clean up all of the toys that have been played with that day as part of our bedtime routine. There are many small things you can make part of the routine of the day.
6. Be willing to change your strategy if the one you picked is not working after a time. There is nothing wrong with changing things up if what you are doing is not optimal.

So what do we do? We actually have a combination of the options. I encourage the children to get chores done before school. If the chores were not finished before school, then they must finish them after school before free play. Anything not done during the week will mean it has to be finished up on Saturday. The children all prefer working toward getting all chores done before school. 

For much more on chores, see all of my chores posts here: Chronicles of a Babywise Mom Chores Index.

Thriving and Surviving the Morning Rush

I don't care where you are going, if you have to be out of the house with your children ready for something in the morning hours, things get hectic. Hectic! And any moms knows that the mom who feels hectic and stressed about being on time just isn't the nicest mom ever. Most of us don't like being mean moms. So the question becomes, how can I survive this morning rush?

I want to push that further to how can I thrive through this morning rush?

Do What You Can the Night Before

A little preparation the night before can do a lot for you the morning of. You can choose your clothes the night before. You can help your children choose their clothes the night before. You can make a list of things that need to happen in the morning before you leave. Pack the diaper bag the night before. You can even put it in your vehicle the night before if it is secure enough. Pack lunches, prep breakfast foods...there are a lot of things you can do the night before that can save you a few minutes here and there in the morning. 

Here is the biggest thing the night before. Get to bed at a reasonable hour. Make sure you and your children are in bed early enough that you can wake up the next morning.

Calculate Time Table

Really think about how much time you need to get everything done before you need to leave the next morning. How long do you take to get ready? How long will you need to help each child get ready? How long will breakfast take? Figure out how much time you need.

Wake Up Early

I am telling you that it is 110% easier to get yourself ready if you do so with your children out of your picture. What takes me 30 minutes childless and uninterrupted can easily take me 90 minutes with children popping in and out of my system. Get as much done as you can before your children are awake. It is so nice to just be ready yourself before you have to help the children get ready. 

Let the Children be Independent

Do all that you can to get your children to be independent in the mornings. Help your children learn to make their own lunches (see my post on Organizing School Lunches for ideas on that). Organize their clothes for the week using my free printables Hanger Tags. 

My biggest help in the mornings is having the Morning Chore Cards for my children.  Each of my older children (10, 8, and 6) use these. They are always excited about them at the beginning of the year, then honestly get annoyed about me continuing to make them use them. They do get used to what is there, but inevitably if they don't use them, I run through the list and they have missed something. I often remind them that I made the cards for a reason and they need to just use them as a reference point. 

I love the cards because I don't have to keep track of where each person is on the path to being ready. I don't have to remember that yes, Brayden has showered but he hasn't brushed his teeth but McKenna still needs to shower and practice her piano and Kaitlyn needs her socks and shoes on...instead of them relying on my brain tracking all of them and myself, they just use the cards to guide them through tracking themselves. These cards make the biggest difference of all of the tips I list here. When the kids are independent, it frees me up to get ready and get other things ready. It also makes it so I easily have time to help them with the tasks they need help with. 

Start for the Car 10-15 Minutes Before You Need to Pull Out

I have learned that if I need to leave the house at 8:45, I can't tell everyone to get in the car at 8:44. If I am leaving alone, sure. But if I have children with me, I need to tell them to load up ten minutes before I actually want to leave the house. With four children I often have one who "forgot" to put shoes on when I say to get in the car. Someone else might suddenly realize how close he/she is to dying of thirst. Then you have the factor of buckling up a child in a car seat. All of these little things add up to minutes on the clock. If I am leaving with just the older kids, I find 5 minutes is often adequate. Figure out what time you need and make sure you have that time in your head to leave the house.

Have you found anything helpful in getting you and yours out of the house on time? Please share!

Success with Older Children

by Bethany

Our family has used Babywise principles, in many ways, for over seven years now. We did not really have a "name" for our parenting philosophy when we first found out I was pregnant, but as soon as I read Babywise, I knew that our thoughts were almost identical to principles the book. Both my husband and I are big believers in structures, discipline, fun, marriage-first, and parent-directedness. We have not always agreed, but the vast majority of the time, we are very much on the same page with our parenting. One of my favorite moments was when I overheard my husband telling another couple that they really "needed" to get their infant on a routine/schedule and stick to it. He is one of the biggest proponents of putting in the work early to see lasting results later.

 

Fast forward several years and many lessons learned. Now my children are 5- and 7-years old. My youngest is starting Kindergarten, and both are in multiple sports/activities. I feel busier than ever with much less time to instill values and principles. At times, it even feels overwhelming to practice anything from the -wise series. Both my husband and I also work full-time outside of the home. Babywise has helped make us successful though.

 

For one thing, all of the years of effort and training have paid off. My kids have heard things for years now, like "Obey right away, the first time, with a happy heart." They know that if I say, "You lost the privilege to play outside today," it means they lost that privilege. No changing my mind or bluffing. Consistency. Follow-through. First-time obedience. Earning/losing freedoms. These are the things that have primed them to be successful for life! I am certainly not saying that you will not be successful without Babywise or that you cannot find/teach these principles elsewhere, but the -wise books verbalized these so well. I needed something tangible to demonstrate why these were so important and illustrate lots of examples for me. I knew that, without some suggested guidelines and a good support community, I would most likely not stick with these principles when it first became difficult.

 

There have been times we have done things differently, but overall we still follow most of what is in the -wise series to this day. Even though we have built a solid foundation, we still have to put in a lot of effort and make difficult parenting decisions on a daily basis. I have found that these decisions/principles are sometimes even harder than all of the constant training when they were little. Consequences need to be more creative, structure is not always as feasible, and there are so many other things that start to influence them. I thought sticking to a nap schedule was difficult (and, it was!!) but I am not always prepared for the flexibility and finesse that is needed for an older child. However, the -wise series has also helped prepare me for the times when structure is not as important as flexibility. Our children are still under our guidance and authority, but they have a lot more ability to choose whether to heed our advice or not. We have taught them "the rules." We have shown them the importance of obedience and structure. Now it is their turn to practice and fail, at times, but we are never far away.

 

It is a different phase of life now. The consequences are different. The rules are sometimes different for each child. That may appear inconsistent, at first, but Babywise has helped us learn when to be unbendable and when something else is needed. It taught us to troubleshoot. It taught us to follow a schedule...but really a routine...but sometimes neither. There are times the routine goes out the window, and I've learned two things. One, my kids definitely love their routines (for the most part!) and it absolutely pays off in the long run to have a routine. Two, when we do break routine, my kids do just fine for short amounts of time. Babywise isn't mean to be so strict that you cannot make good parenting decisions. It's the complete opposite. Obedience and structure are paramount to setting a good foundation, but you still have to do what is best for your family. This has worked for us. It took years of hard work, and it still takes lots of work!

 

Last point, I promise! I would be remiss if I did not mention how Babywise has helped me as a working mom. Without Babywise, I would have been (more of) a disaster! It gave me structure when I had to depend on others. It gave me peace when I was physically not able to be there. It helped make the time we did have invaluable!! I have had happy, healthy, adaptable, obedient children! I could write many, many more blog posts on this alone. I am a better mom for having read Babywise, and I go to work every day knowing that it has helped us thrive!

 

Bethany works full time outside of the home and has a healthy, thriving family! Her full life consists of a hard-working husband, two wildly creative children, three insanely energetic dogs, and several other hobbies to balance out her full-time job. She blogs at The Graceful Mom and is passionate about encouraging other moms with work obligations.

Starting, stopping, and coming back to Babywise {Guest Post}

Today is BFBN day! We have added quite a few new ladies to the Babywise Friendly Blog Network, so be sure to check out the blogs you know in the network and find the new ones! You will get to meet all of them on this blog in July. Today, I am posting on Shea's site, so head over there to get ideas on balancing academics with relaxation during summer. 

by Kim

I'm new to the BFBN, so I'll take a moment to introduce myself.  My name is Kim, and I have been married to my wonderful husband Patrick for 6 years now.  We have a 21 month old son, Ben.  I am a mom who works outside of the home.  I have a slightly different situation than most moms who work outside the home, in that I bring my son with me to work every day.  I have been doing this since he was two and half weeks old.  It works for us right now.  It brings some unique challenges, and I feel like I get a taste of what stay at home moms and work out of the home moms get.  

I knew from the moment I was expecting my son that I would be going back to work as soon as possible.  Besides being helpful to our family finances, I knew I would be happier and better able to adjust to motherhood if I was still working.  I know that sounds a little counterproductive.  How does going back to work right away let you handle the huge, all encompassing life change of having a baby?  Well for me, it was easy.  It gave me a schedule to my days.  I might not have been the most efficient worker, and I might not have gotten to everything around the house that needed doing, but I had a plan.  I am a person who does much better with a schedule.  Even on a day off, I have a mental list of what is going to take place and when it is going to happen.  When I gave birth to my son, it made sense to try to get on a schedule as soon as possible.

I talked to a lot of people about schedules for babies.  Unfortunately, I did not find a lot of help for my situation.  Most people I talked to who worked told me that day care took care of it for them.  Well, I was Ben's daycare, so that didn't help.  The people I talked to who stayed home with their children said they generally fell into a schedule around 8 months.  That was way too long to try to struggle through every day with no plan or system. So I googled away and found all sorts of information on schedules.  Sadly, a lot of them only talked about schedules for older babies.  I couldn't find too much for younger ones.  Fortunately, I was able to find some information on Babywise.  Through that I learned about wake times, nap lengths, feeding schedules, and more.  

The information I learned from Babywise was very helpful at first.  I learned about Eat, Play, Sleep.  I learned about independent play time.  I learned about setting wake times.  These all helped me plan Ben's day in a way that allowed me to work consistently, but still focus on Ben as much as possible.  The one part that I wasn't quite into was the length of time between feedings.  Ben was a good eater from the start, and he grew fast.  He often would be hungry long before the three hour mark.  I understood the logic behind making sure babies get a full feeding, and snacking frequently does not coincide with that.  I couldn't let my little guy go hungry though.  Not only did that not sit well with me as a mother, it made working impossible for me and my coworkers.  I did little more online research, and sadly found a lot of information going against Babywise.  Honestly, it worried me quite a bit.  I read about how Babywise encouraged mothers to let their children go hungry, or that they let their babies cry for hours on end.  This was not at all what I wanted to do!  So I backed off Babywise a little bit.

As time went on, Ben's napping was all over the place.  Fortunately, he was a good night sleeper, and as I said a hearty eater.  Naps were always a toss up.  I could get one good nap in the middle of the day, but that was not enough for my little guy.  He was over tired and unhappy.  I know for myself if I am hungry or tired, nothing is going to go right.  I assumed the same is true for babies.  So I decided to actually get read the Babywise book and make my own decision.

Well guess what, no where in that entire book did it tell me to let my child go hungry.  No where in that book did it say to leave him crying for hours.  No where did it say this was the only set in stone schedule one could follow and use the Babywise principles.  Instead it gave me guidelines, suggestions, and formulas to follow to work out what was best for Ben and my family.  We were doing pretty well with a feeding schedule, as I had kept the idea of having a set wake up time.  The next big thing was the get naps in order.  I had been journaling his day in search for any pattern, and that combined with sample schedules from Babywise gave me a guide to follow.  I picked a week I knew wouldn't be too busy, and I set nap times.  The first couple of days were rough.  Ben was confused, and didn't really want to nap, and generally not thrilled with what was going on.  But you know what?  Within five days he was on board with the nap plan.  

I am so glad we powered through that tougher week to get back into Babywise.  Ben started being happier during wake times.  He was rested.  He knew what was happening, and what would happen next.  He could be confident that his needs were met.  And me?  I was thrilled.  I knew what parts of my day I could dedicate to work.  I knew when I could schedule meetings, confident that I knew when nap time would happen.  I could plan activities and help Ben and I both get the most out of our time.

I am very happy I found and follow many of the ideas given in Babywise.  I understand why it might scare some people away, given the negative press on it.  One thing I noticed when I read Babywise, it never said I should ignore my maternal instincts.  It also never said I had to follow everything they said to the letter and ignore everything else out there.  No, it is a suggestion, a guideline, and one way to approach parenting.  And you know what?  It is a guide that has worked very well for me and my son.  He is happy when he wakes up.  He goes down for naps easily.  He can play by himself when needed.  He is a happy kid.  I have seen him thrive with it, and plan to use the same guidelines with future children.

-Kim http://teamcartwright.blogspot.com/

Maintaining a Consistent Schedule and Discipline with other Caregivers

I am mom of two fantastic kiddos, age 4.5 and 6.5 (and don't just say "6 years old" to my son"--it is "6 and A HALF" now). They continue to truly amaze and astound me on a daily basis with their remarkable personalities. As much as I hate for them to leave behind some of my favorite ages and stages, I am absolutely enthralled by their growth and understanding. They are great individuals all on their own, but I really do attribute the principles of the -wise series in much of their growth and our parental success. Using Babywise and the core tenants of consistency and first-time obedience really helped my husband and I to parent on the same page and see amazing results in a relatively short amount of time.

On the flip side, we have had a large challenge in all of this from the day I found out I was pregnant with my first. I work full-time. I could write a whole post just on the emotions and challenges I felt during pregnancy while working. In fact, I blog (quite sporadically) about just that and other issues working moms face. There have been many times (sometimes hourly still) where I feel in despair about working...but I am learning that there are equally as many reasons to rejoice over working. 

One of the biggest blessings has been the nannies and caregivers that we have had to rely upon to help us. God has brought some of the most amazing young women into our life and the lives of our children. Keeping our children at home with a caregiver has been quite difficult financially but whether you use a babysitter for date night, grandparents for a weekend, daycare, or a nanny-share I am certain you will face some of the challenges we have...as well as some of the blessings.

The most terrific benefit has been the ability to maintain consistency. I am writing from the perspective of having a consistent caregiver, but much of this success can also be applied to even a teen babysitter. However, there was a time last summer right after our current nanny started working for us where my son thought that he was hot stuff. He point blank admitted she wasn't in charge, he didn't have to respect her, and he wasn't afraid of her consequences....!!!!!!! What?? We truly have done babywise from Day 1 with him. Sometimes we were too strict in our methods. I was appalled and shocked and really had no idea where to go. My sweet little boy. Where did we go wrong?

We had some quick work to do. Here are the steps we took:

1. Evaluate freedoms and consistency.

Even after a short amount of reflection, I realized we had stopped being consistent in a lot of ways. (I know. Shocking that inconsistency was the culprit :) Summer had just started. Our new sitter had just started. We moved. My husband started a new job. Whew. We were so busy we really just left their daily routine to our sitter and assumed they were having so much fun that we wouldn't be too rigid with her. Through no fault of her own, she really did not have many rules and they played.all.day. My kids loved it. It was really about 3 months right about the time my son started Kindergarten when everything came to a halt. You see, his Kindergarten teacher had RULES. Actually, he loved her rules. He loved her and wanted to please her so badly. When he came home after lunch to lack of rules, he balked. His behavior was great at school but then he was downright rebellious at home. Consistency and too much freedom was the bulk of our problem. I know this is touchy when you have family members involved but look for ways you can pick your top 2-3 priorities. Are naps always late? Is your child always choosing the activity?

2. Establish authority and respect.

It didn't take too much brilliance to understand that my son especially did not see our sitter as an authority figure. He clearly stated as much. I tried to follow through with discipline when I got home and it had no effect. We had few issues with him in the evenings but I felt like I spent all my time trying to fix the things that had happened during the time I was gone. My husband and I did make sure that we were maintaining authority consistently, but that did not bring huge improvement at first. We really had to find ways to show the kids that they had to respect anyone charged with their care. Some of this we focused on in times of non-conflict. "How should you answer her when you don't want to get dressed?" Avoid implied consequences or setting them up to fail such as "Don't you yell at her like yesterday unless you want to lose your favorite toy!" We also had to get our sitter on board and teach her how to be authoritative not just fun. We gave her some ways to script things and reviewed what first-time obedience really means to us.

3. Re-evaluate your schedule and discipline plan.

I realized that my kids are still way too young for lack of routine. Again, probably not eye-opening in hindsight. At the time, it seemed like they had so much fun without the busyness of our school routine that we never really enforced even a loose daily schedule that summer. Granted they were only in preschool at the time, there is still a beautiful consistency even going part-time to preschool and a benefit to using daycare. Last summer they swam, went to parks, went to the library, played outside...that all sounded so good. We realized we really had to limit the number of "free play" days. Not that they had to stay home and do independent play time every single day...but there needed to be a consistent balance between more structured activities and all-day-play-every-day. We also had to do re-vamp our discipline plan. We never changed our expectations for first-time obedience but we had to equip our sitter with some ways she could effectively discipline immediately. Swiftness was the key for her. No rationalizing, no coddling...just a simple "you refused to put shoes on so we cannot do x." Again, this can be difficult when grandma refuses to give any consequences but most babysitters and nannies are very glad for instructions on how to handle disobedience. One of the things I did was literally make a list of 20-30 "consequences" she could give right on the spot. If they refused, they were given a second consequence or tell mommy about it for a final consequence. That only happened two times! They were not all logical consequences tied to the action, but that made it interesting as well. They never knew if they would be told to sit on their hands for two minutes or do 10 jumping jacks. Throwing some funny things in there were still effective. It lightened the tension and helped burn energy on all those rainy summer afternoon.

Did it work? Yes!! Almost immediately. As my kids have gotten older, success sometimes feels like it takes longer to achieve but using some of the most basic -wise principles we saw amazing results. My son stopped kicking/pushing/sneaking (I told you it was baddddd!) and went straight from difficult-all-day to happy-and-compliant all day. We stopped spending every afternoon in his room with tearful/heart-broken phone calls to my husband at work to talking about all of the things he was learning and doing with our sitter. We still have rough days and challenges but being a working mom has never been better!

By Bethany Lynch who blogs at The Graceful Mom about working full-time and ways to have grace while doing it. 

Second Chances

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When I was pregnant with my first child, I literally knew no one my age who had young baby.  At the time, my mom worked at a local military base.  She talked to me all the time about several families there who had children who were just the most well behaved children that she had ever seen.  She spoke to them and found out that they all have one thing in common - babywise.  She was such a believer in the results that she saw in these older kids that she bought me the book.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I read it with an open mind.  I am a teacher and an overly organized person, so from the start, this just seemed like a perfect fit for me.  My husband and I talked it over, and we agreed that we would both be happier with a schedule for our baby.  

Our daughter, Lorelai, was born in February 2009, and I started babywise two weeks after she was born.  While I did go along with the guidelines in the book, I felt like I was doing a "loose" interpretation with her.  We did it - we just weren't super hardcore with her.  She was having trouble napping?  We'd just hold her.  Wanted to go out and about?  She could just nap wherever we were.  Wanted to go to dinner with friends?  She could just go to bed a little later.  So while we were doing it, we weren't really DOING it.  

In October of 2011, I got pregnant again.  I knew from the get go of that pregnancy that I wanted to be much more strict with our babywise plan.  Lorelai was two and, because we were more relaxed with her, I felt like we were still dealing with issues that we shouldn't be.  And I knew it was my fault.  Again, my husband and I talked about it and decided that we were going to go big or go home.  We were going to do this the right way!  In June of 2012, we welcomed a beautiful (big!) boy into our family.  From the time that Cooper was born, my goal was getting him ready to start babywise.  We put him down sleepy, but awake, in his own bed starting the day that we got home from the hospital.  We focused on full feedings in those early nursing days so that he fell into a natural schedule. When he was two weeks old, we started the process again.  Luckily, with Cooper, I was able to stay home with him until he was a little over three months old.  We prepared all of our family (my children are blessed to stay with my mother-in-law when I am teaching) to let them know that things were going to be MUCH more strict in the way things were done.  If they came over and it was nap time - too bad.  If we were at their house, we would be leaving to make it home in time for bed.  We.  Worked.  So.  Hard.  

And the funny thing is, it really wasn't that hard.  It was hard to stand our ground at first, but it wasn't hard to give Cooper that stability.  We now have a newly-turned one year old that is a breeze to be around.  He is happy.  He is silly.  He is relaxed.  He knows what to expect from every part of every day - and he loves it.  I am so thankful for second chances.  It was amazing to be able to see what we would like to do differently, change it, and love the results.  Even as a working mom, it IS possible to have a babywise baby!  Our family runs so smoothly because we all know what Cooper needs and when he needs it!  It gives us the freedom to have fun, enjoy each other, and not sweat the small stuff!

Robyn @ Life, Love, and Lorelai - robynmullican.com

I have two children: Lorelai, 4 years and Cooper, 1 year

Index: Working Parents

• 8 Ways to Stay Productive as a Work-at-Home-Mom {Guest Post}
• Babywise Tips for Working Parents
• Working Mom Activities
• Working Outside the Home

Working Mom Activities

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By Bethany from thegracefulmom.com

Valerie and I have both written about activities, about cutting them out and adding them in. Prioritizing them and evaluating them. We have written about the guilt and pressure involved in being there. Like most of you, we tend to stay fairly busy and have a lot going on in our lives than just outside activities. Nonetheless, we always want to give the best to our kids and fit in the activities that matter so you will also find lots of ideas for activities on our blogs (like here and here).


One of the things that I struggle with is fitting in activities in a very narrow window of time. A lot of mom groups are out, many museums/zoos have limited day time hours very similar to my work schedule, weekends are often filled with necessary errands like grocery shopping. It gives me a headache trying to figure out how much family time and when to give up for outside activities sometimes. Yet I don't want my kids to miss out on doing fun and/or important activities like swim lessons or sports because I am out of energy with limited time.

I do think it takes a little bit more creativity to fit in activities, but I am also able to streamline some of my household tasks while I am at work...with no fussy siblings in the background or emergent diaper changes. I will make an insurance phone call during lunch or run by the post office on my way home. I try as much as possible to reserve my time in the evenings as dedicated family time. If necessary, we will reserve one night a week to do grocery shopping so that the weekend is not needed as much for errands. I have also shifted my schedule at my new job 1 hour earlier. While I didn't love going in 1 hour earlier at first, I must say that I love getting home 1 hour earlier. I feel like it actually gives me more than 60 minutes of quality time in the afternoons!

Another thing that I do is discuss every single outside activity with my husband. Together, we evaluate the time commitment, the need, the cost, the impact. We decided that private swim lessons were not in our immediate budget but we ended up doing a fun set of group lessons through a Living Social deal in our area. After much discussion, we let our son go on vacation with his grandparents two days early and are using that time to spend some one on one time with our daughter doing specific activities geared to her age level since she ends up getting grouped in with older brother sometimes. We discuss "me time" activities, church activities, lessons...together.

We are also very protective of our weekends. Our extended family would love for us to come visit more, but we reserve most weekends to stay at home. Sometimes we even block out a "no plans" weekend. We have no events or specific plans, but we purposely keep that weekend open for those fun activities we cannot squeeze in during the weekend or impromptu activities that we may discover. We have done Lowes Build and Grow clinics, homeschool style learning activities (busy bags, preschool packs, arts/crafts), baking, swimming. Occasionally, we do reserve a weekend here or there to go on a more involved activity like camping, but most of the time we stay close to home. While many working moms love to use their weekends to travel or fill with activities, this is the way our family has decided gives us the most balance. It helps me feel more involved in activities I wish I could do like homeschool or baking with my kids.

Balancing activities can be hard for everyone, but I don't think that being a working mom makes it impossible at all. If anything we have learned how to better prioritize, evaluate, and make time for the important activities. I have even taken a day off just to be at home with my family for activity time! We make our activities count, even when they're a bust...kale smoothies or book readings that were cancelled after we arrived. It is a matter of blocking out the time, reserving the time just for the activity, and not over committing yourself even if it means cutting something else out.

Bethany is a working mom of two and blogs at thegracefulmom.com.

Babywise Tips for Working Parents

It’s Babywise Blog Network Week! All week, we’ll be featuring blog posts from other Babywise-friendly blogs. The schedule is as follows:

• · Monday: Valerie Plowman, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom 
• · Tuesday: Maureen Monfore, Childwise Chat 
• · Wednesday: Hank Osborne, Daddy Life
• · Thursday: Rachel Rowell, My Baby Sleep Guide
• · Friday: Bethany Lynch, The Graceful Mom

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by Bethany Lynch from The Graceful Mom


I read Babywise while pregnant with my first child. It just jived with our natural parenting philosophy and gave us structure for how to start. I think that is what I love most about Babywise…the ”start as you mean to go on” mentality. We parent very similarly to this day as we did over 4 years ago. We do not change our tactics after they sleep through the night, or walk, or start preschool.

What I was unprepared for was losing much of the structure when I returned to work. I was heartbroken at the thought of daycare changing everything I had worked on the previous 3 months. It took a lot of trial and error and a few tears to figure out how to keep our parenting goals and philosophies when we were not always physically there.

While our goals may not match everyone's goals, I think there are quite a few things that are applicable to many working moms and dads. Here are my favorite aspects of babywise that make a huge difference in our satisfaction and ability to be very involved while we are at work:

• Find a mutual caregiver. If daycare is not working, find something else. If your family member refuses to work with you, consider daycare. For us, a nanny was the best solution. We still evaluate it every 6 months or so. Being happy with our caregiver was probably one of the biggest factors in my peace and happiness while away at work.
• Use a log just like daycare even if your mom or best friend is watching your children. Sometimes just knowing if they ate or slept is extremely helpful. Down the road, you can use it to look for structure, potty training, time outs, funny stories.
• Don't be afraid of structure when you are home. For awhile, I thought that I needed to be fun and carefree on my days off or the weekends. My kids really do like predictability, and they need to know the rules and reasons are still the same.
• Don't be afraid of flexibility. Yes, I know I just mentioned structure. I also tend to be overbearing or overstructured as a working mom at times. Recently I decided to start waking my son up 40 min early when my work schedule changed. It was much more important to cuddle with him and start his day early than to deal with the attitude from missing me.
• Take your children on dates. I think this is important if you stay at home or work outside the home, but I think it is crucial for working parents to provide that extra special attention. I have even taken personal days specifically for taking a child on a special date. My kids need one-on-one time on a regular basis. We often run errands with one child, and not for ease but for special time. Make sure that dates are dates, and not errands, though.
• Aim to stay on the same page as your spouse, especially with obedience and discipline. My husband backs me up 100% as a mother and validates almost all of my parenting decisions. We regularly take time to discuss discipline strategy, sleep needs, education, childcare. While this tip is not unique to being a working mom, I am absolutely certain that I would not be the mother that I am without the support of my husband.
• Find unique ways to implement structured activities like room time and couch time. We still make a point for our children to observe us in conversation without interruption each evening. It may be while we fix supper, while we sit in the backyard, or while the kids finish eating those last 3 bites. Roomtime comes and goes. I wish I could do it every day but it depends on our nanny and how often I have errands on my days off. As they get older, it gets easier, and I try to do it even for 15-30 most days. Some of my favorite moments have been listening to them play together nicely and use their imagination by themselves.
• Give your children (and yourself) the gift of sleep. I work with so many parents that feel guilty about missed time and let their kids stay up late every single night. We have certainly made exceptions but consistently teaching our children to sleep well has been one of the best things we did. Bedtime is usually without exception. We also started sleep training from birth. Our kids slept through the night around 4 months of age, for the most part, and I could not imagine working full-time more than a couple of weeks without a full night's sleep.
• Don't over-commit your family time. As a working mom, I feel like I need to have the same attention to detail and opportunities as moms that work in the home. Soccer, classroom volunteer, playgroups. Sometimes it just isn't possible, and the most important thing is that our family gets enough time together even if that means cutting out other obligations.
• Don't wish for what isn't. I love the structure and parent-directed emphasis of Babywise. I love the results of sleep training. I hate that I am not here all day to implement my dream routine. I hate that I feel like I have to compromise with caregivers. I hate that I often wonder "what if." The best tip I could ever give another working mom (or dad) is to value what you have. Value what you can do, the values you can instill, the time you can structure...and those sweet grubby hands.

Bethany Lynch is a full-time mother of a two young children, a son and daughter. She also works as a full-time NICU pharmacist. Frustrated with the lack of resources for Christian working moms, she decided to start her own inspirational blog. She is very passionate about encouraging other mothers balancing work and family.

Success Story from a Teacher

            As an elementary school teacher, I make sure to provide plenty of structure, routines, and consistency to my students’ day, all the while being flexible when needed.  I know firsthand that children thrive on structure, and it gives them the security they need to be able to understand their boundaries and focus on learning while they are at school.  So, when I became pregnant with my first child in 2009 and started reading the Babywise book my friend had loaned me, I knew that this was just the resource I needed!

            I was blessed to have my son at the end of one school year and be able to take a maternity leave at the beginning of the next school year, so I didn’t have to return to teaching until he was 4 ½ months old.  I had very specific goals for my time at home with him:  teach him how to fall asleep on his own and sleep through the night, establish a consistent routine, and have him be the kind of child that my babysitter would find enjoyable to watch during the day.  I am pleased to say that all of these goals became reality!  That doesn’t mean that it was always easy, however.  It’s very difficult to wake up a sleeping baby in order to keep him on his routine, I had a VERY hard time breastfeeding and had to mostly pump and supplement (which wasn’t what I had planned on doing), and there were many tough days with short naps, determining the best waketimes, etc.  During these tough times, though, I always had a plan and structure to go back to and plenty of ideas from the Babywise Chronicles, which made all the difference.  I always knew what my goals were, I prayed and asked God for wisdom, and I believed that perseverance would pay off, which it did! 

I do get compliments all the time from people saying how laid back and happy my son is, and while I do think temperament plays a part in all that, I also know that using the ideas from Babywise have made a big difference, too!  I really don’t think I could have had such a smooth transition from being home to being a working mom if it hadn’t been for Babywise.  Now that it’s summertime again and I get to be a full-time stay at home mom to my 1 year old for a few months, I look forward to structuring my son’s day in a way that he can continue to learn and develop and we can make the most of our time together every day!

Hannah D.

Working Mom Success

My husband and I both work full-time outside of our home.  If it were not for Babywise and the subsequent -Wise series, I would be a crazy person.  We started BW from the get-go, and both kids STTN between 3-4 months...which seemed long for BW standards, lol.  I physically cannot imagine being back at work for longer than a few weeks without a full night's sleep.  Let's just say that I am an 8-hour kind of girl.  To this day, my husband does the majority of MOTN checks.

The things that make working parents and BW successfully go hand in hand are consistency and routine.  We were fairly strict with Eat, Wake, Sleep from birth.  Of course, there were exceptions and flexibility, but we placed a lot of emphasis on starting off as we intended to go on.  Hardly any naps are missed and bedtime is hardly ever pushed back.  That does not mean you cannot be succesful if you are more flexible, but for us, we try to meet those standards the majority of the time.  Our kids know those times are almost set in stone and non-negotiable.

I see so many sleep-deprived co-workers nearing the 6-12 month mark after returning to work, and their babies are still not STTN.  It is also a temptation to budge on bedtime to spend more time with your children after being at work, but we have seen such a positive effect on our children from getting the maximum sleep possible and staying on a routine.  The time that we do have is much higher quality when they are well-rested.  BW also enabled us to give very specific instructions to our sitters, and our kids thrive even while we are away at work because they know what to expect and when. 

I do have to add that I think a large part of our success has also been due to the ability to keep them at home with a sitter.  We do not have to wake them to get out the door early, and they nap in their own beds every day.  We've also been able to incorporate BW principles, like roomtime, that would not be possible in most daycare settings. 

I am so thankful that BW helped us lay the structure and routine that has contributed to my kids being so well-rested and well-adjusted, despite my physical presence at all times.  It helped us, especially as first-time parents, and also made communication with our sitters very effective.  BW has given me peace of mind and made me a happier mom.

Bethany

http://thegracefulmom.com/

Working Outside the Home

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I have had lots of requests from moms to share information on how to implement Babywise while working outside the home. Since I have no experience with that, I turned to my friend Bethany. Bethany even went so far as to create a blog for Moms who work outside the home! Be sure to check her out here: http://thegracefulmom.com/

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My husband and I both work full-time.  We have two energetic children, 3 years old and 18 months old.  Without Babywise, I cannot imagine how we would manage.  I think I appreciate it more even now than I did with a newborn.

We first heard about Babywise from my step-sister and my sister-in-law.  We witnessed firsthand the success that they had with their newborns, and it truly complimented our parenting style and philosophies.  To this day, we are strong advocates of sleep, routine, and first-time obedience.

I think the biggest things that makes it hard to incorporate Babywise as a working parent is that you are not always physically there to implement it.  I was quite naive about daycare and shocked to realize that much of the effort I put in during my 12 weeks of maternity leave could be lost in a matter of days.  I was also blown away by how hard it would be to return to work.

The best advice I can give to any working mother, especially if you are trying to incorporate Babywise principles, is to find a high quality childcare provider.  If you are not satisfied with your provider, you will probably be constantly torn and conflicted about working.  Changing childcare providers was probably one of the most important contributors to being at peace with returning to work.  It was not easy, and it took months to find another solution.  Ultimately, we hired our own sitter/nanny, and it is one of the best decisions we have made.

I have been blessed beyond belief to find nannies that are even better at incorporating Babywise than I am, in some aspects.  We have still been able to add structured Babywise activities, such as independent play.  My kids are with their sibling all day, and they get to nap in their own bed for a full nap every day.  That does not mean that my priorities have to be your priorities, by any means.  Daycare can also be very structured in the older toddler rooms, but I truly appreciate the control and the close interaction with my caregiver that we have. 

No matter which kind of caregiver you choose, make sure that you communicate closely and effectively.  I would encourage you to use some sort of daily log so that you still have an idea of your child's daily activities and meals.  Our log has even helped me determine whether diaper rashes are from a recent dirty diaper versus not being changed enough.  Talk often with your provider and be open to their suggestions as well.

Realize that you cannot do everything.  Chances are you will not be able to incorporate all of the Babywise principles.  We have not done blanket time consistently (or often at all).  We have had nannies that are better at routine and structured learning than others. 

No matter what, make the most of the time you have with your children.  Live in the present with the time you do have.  PLAY, and play HARD.  Know that it does get easier in many aspects.  Your baby will stay awake longer and often have very little trouble with separation anxiety.  Babywise has given us the routine and structure to keep us and our kids well-rested and happy.